01x05 - The Duke of Vermeer Caper

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

♪ Where in the world
Is Carmen Sandiego? ♪

♪ Sandiego ♪

♪ Where in the world
Is Carmen Sandiego? ♪

[Devineaux] Freeze, right there!

Now rewind.

Stop!

Zoom in on her face.

That is not Carmen Sandiego.

She calls herself "the Duchess."

ACME had no record of her existence
until late last night

when she sashayed
out of Amsterdam's Rijksmuseum

packing a painting
valued at over million euro.

Thirty million euro for that?

"Woman in Blue Reading a Letter"

is one of Johannes Vermeer's
most important earlier works.

See the hallmark of his style?

The way he paints natural light
makes his subject look so realistic.

Ms. Argent, need I remind you

that you're the only one
who cares about such dull facts?

Excellent eye, Agent Argent.

Attention to detail
is the very cornerstone

of ACME surveillance.

[stammering]

Precisely why we should further analyze
the particulars of this, uh, uh... hmm.

Swipe here.

I highly suggest acquainting yourself

with our CrimeNet technology,
Agent Devineaux.

You're not with Interpol anymore.

Your first mission as agents of ACME
will be to recover that painting

and ascertain whether or not
this Duchess is working for VILE.

Or whether she is an accomplice
to Carmen Sandiego.

[Carmen] Blue isn't really my color,
but I have to admit...

I've never stolen anything so luminous.

[Player] Enjoy it while you can, Red.

You have a whole hour before you need
to get into character.

Right.
Let's get the crew up to speed.

Zack! Ivy!

Avast, me mateys!
Arrrhh!

Is this a good look for me?

Those aren't toys, people.
They're my disguise.

Now, pay attention.
Here's what we know.

Player's decryption
of the VILE hard drive

revealed details
of an intricate ongoing operation.

VILE operatives have been quietly
stealing paintings by the artist Vermeer

from museums all over the world

and replacing the originals
with amazingly accurate forgeries.

What?

Why would they bother
leaving fakes behind?

To ensure museum security
would never realize

the originals had been stolen
to begin with,

which would allow the entirety
of Vermeer's collected works

to slowly and steadily be amassed
by VILE mastermind Countess Cleo.

What's the big whoop
about these paintings anyway?

No cars, no clowns,
no dogs playing poker.

Yeah, and she's reading.
Snore.

You aren't the only ones who thought that.

But after some research, I began
to see things in a different light.

The Netherlands isn't only known
for its tulips, windmills,

and wooden shoes.

It's famous for its painters
from the Dutch Golden Age of the s,

Vermeer among them.

[Carmen] But the ordinary people
of his portraits weren't the stars.

That would be the mind-boggling way

Vermeer captured natural light
with his paintbrush.

Only confirmed paintings
by the maestro exist.

Not a whole lot for a major artist.

That makes each one
an extremely rare and valuable treasure.

[Player] Which is why we freaked

when we learned there was only
one last Vermeer left for Cleo to steal,

from the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam,
capital of the Netherlands.

[Carmen] So I had to act fast
and got to it first

and made my escape
through one of Amsterdam's canals,

masquerading as the Duchess.

"Woman in Blue Reading a Letter" is our
only sh*t at stealing back the other .

We need Cleo to take the bait
so we can push for a direct face-to-face

in the hopes of figuring out
where she's keeping the rest.

And if she had any suspicion

that she were dealing with
the master super thief Carmen Sandiego,

she'd never let you anywhere near
her stolen prizes.

That's why when Cleo's courier arrives
to authenticate the painting,

it'll be the Duchess
who meets him at the door.

[knocking at door]

Whoa, that can't be him.
He's an hour early.

Yowza!
Room service is wicked fast here.

Wait!

Don't open that do...!

Oh, still running on Moscow time.
Hmm.

Um, you're not a duchess.

You're not my sandwich.

[chuckles] I must have the wrong room.
I... [gasps]

Oh, there she is.

"The Woman in Blah..."

I was to meet a duchess.
You would be her...?

[in British accent]
Duke? Ah, yes. Ahem.

[chuckles] I'm the Duke...
[laughs] of, uh, Vermeer.

Vermeer. Yes. [laughs]

- That's a place?
- Uh, yeah.

[stammering in wavering accent]
In Boston. Boston.

And you would be, mate?

Dash Haber.

Executive courier to Countess Cleo.

[electronic chirping]

I'll wire the funds immediately
and take her off your hands.

Does, uh, this mean anything to ya?

[laughs nervously]
I'll inform the countess.

Mr. Haber, report.

The painting checks out.

But I think the duke would prefer
to deal directly with you.

Duke?

I promised a complete collection.

If I don't have number
in my hands tomorrow night,

I'll be the laughingstock
of the criminal underworld.

The countess wishes to invite you
to a dinner party and auction.

Great!
Yeah, text me the address.

[Dash] Good. A car will pick you up
tomorrow, : p.m. sharp.

And no plus ones, just the painting.

Is your brain made of Swiss cheese?

Yes, the kind with the holes.

[Player] Why would Cleo
auction the Vermeers

after going through so much trouble
to complete the set?

The thrill of the hunt
doesn't last long for her,

and the combined value of the art
could easily surpass one billion dollars.

[whistles]

Hello, VILE slush fund.

We'll only have a brief window to steal
back all while they're under one roof

before they scatter to the winds.

The good news is we're invited to a party.

And the not-so-good?

We only have hours to transform Zack
into a convincing duke.

Cleo will expect a duke
to speak in proper diction.

Repeat after me.
"Park the car in Aardvark Yard."

"Pahk" the "cahr" in Aahrdvark "Yahd."

Park the car in Aardvark Yard.

Pahk the cahr... Hold on, hold on.
I'm gonna get it.

Cleo will expect a gentleman
to wear appropriate wardrobe.

Oh, no, not a monkey suit.

It suits you.

You're way more monkey than man.

Salad fork.

Okay.

- Table fork.
- Got it.

Dessert fork.

[gasps] Yum, dessert!

Fish fork.

[gagging] F-Fish?

Oh, come on!
You never said I'd have to eat fish.

If they serve it, just keep telling
yourself it tastes like chicken.

You need to learn enough talking points
about art history to fit in.

Oh, come on. Why?

Because if Cleo thinks for even one moment
you are not who you say you are,

she'll feed you to her dogs.

Just don't let her feed me any fish.

[ticking]

Okay, okay, okay.
Small fork, salad, dessert fork, cake.

Small fork...

Park the car in Aardvark Yard.

Park the car in Aardvark...

[in British accent]
Park the fork in salad yard.

[slurring] Park the fork in my mouth.

[fork clangs]

Zack, you ready?

[in British accent] Ready to park the car
in Aardvark Yard.

Dude, that's weird, right?

It's showtime.

Arms.

[wand squeals]

[beeping]

- No tracker?
- First thing they check for.

Clean.

We go.

[Carmen] You're doing great, Ivy.

Just keep a safe distance.

We have a tail.

Would you look at that?

A tail tailing a tail.

This ACME technology is more my speed.

Agent Devineaux, the hotel guests
registered under a fake name,

but I was able to connect
the payment source to the van rental.

You may very well be following
the Duchess.

Or Carmen Sandiego.

I suppose that is possible.

[chuckles]

Delighted to hear that you agree for once.

But depriving the world
of historic works of art

does not seem to be Ms. Sandiego's MO.

Agh! Just see what you can learn
in the hotel suite.

I am driving!

But, Agent De...

[Carmen] Hmm, an old admirer...

in a new set of wheels.

Player, there's a bridge half a klick
southeast of us.

- Can you hack into it?
- I'm on it.

Take this turn.

[tires squealing]

[tires squealing]

- [beeping]
- [Player] Ah, a drawbridge.

Coming right up.

- Straight ahead. Step on it.
- Really?

Make the jump, Ivy.
We can't let our tail blow Zack's cover.

You jump, I jump.

[engine revs]

[Ivy] Oh, gosh, oh, gosh, oh, gosh!

- I can't!
- [tires screech]

[in slow-motion] No!

[gasps]

[Devineaux] You!

[laughs] I knew you were behind...

- [car creaking]
- [whimpering]

No, no, no, no, no.

No!

[splashes]

Way to shake a tail.

Agent Devineaux, I've discovered
something curious in the hotel room...

Are you underwater?

Never mind that!

I now know that Carmen Sandiego
is not only behind these crimes,

but working with the so-called Duchess!

You saw them together?

Uh, the Duchess was clearly her driver.

So, she wasn't wearing her eye patch?

Well, uh... ugh.

Why always so many questions?
I have one for you.

Where is the ejector button in this car?

Look below the screen

and swipe in the direction
you wish to eject.

Mm, ah!

[beeping]

So, do we fish him out or follow my bro?

[Devineaux screaming]

- [door closes]
- We're back on the Zack track.

I present to you Countess Cleo...

the Queen of Mean,
the Empress of Distress, the Hostess...

Zip it.

[in British accent] Buona sera,
mia bella contessa. [kisses]

The work of art.

[in wavering accent] 'Course!
Quite luminous, wouldn't you say?

Wunderbar.
Wire the funds.

- [computer chirping]
- [Player] Funds received, Red.

VILE just fed a whole lot of orphans
in your favorite charity.

And I just fed security.

[growls]

[dog whining]

Who's a good boy?
Who's a good boy?

You are!
Yeah, you are!

Shall we dine, Countess?

Aren't you forgetting something,
Monsieur Haber?

My assistant...

he thinks Vermeer's
a neighborhood in Boston.

[chuckles]

[laughs] Imagine!

His idea of art is probably
a painting of dogs playing poker!

[both laughing]

[mocking humming]

Ugh! Duke schmuke.

- [beeping]
- [Player] I'm seeing a disarm code.

- [glass clinking]
- And I'm hearing a speech coming on.

- [chatter, laughter]
- [glass clinking]

Vilest art enthusiasts,

my deepest gratitude for attending
this once-in-a-lifetime event.

The art auction
will directly follow dinner.

Allow me to at least fill your bellies
before emptying your bank accounts.

[guests laugh] Here, here!

[beeps]

[beeping]

Now, this one really speaks to me.

So, where are we at, Player?

First course is on the table.

You need to be in and out
with paintings

by the time bananas Foster is served.

Pressure triggers.

We get one half-second for the swap,
or the place goes into lockdown.

Right, Carm.

[both exhale]

One down, to go.

When the countess asked me to replicate
each of Vermeer's masterworks,

I welcomed the challenge
to capture their essence.

Well, it seems the challenge
for Monsieur Duke here

is remembering to drink
from his own water glass.

[in wavering accent] Sticky fingers.
Uh, once a thief, always a thief, right?

Well, aren't you naughty?

We shall all have to watch
our billfolds around this one.

[guests laughing]

Good news, Red.
Main course was poached pheasant.

Couldn't taste any more like chicken.
Zack's in the clear.

And the bad news?

[Player] Dessert's about to be served.

We could really use more time.

[in wavering accent] Oh, yeah!
Uh, what's for dessert?

Baked Alaska.

But first, a palate cleanser,

dredged from the Russian sea
just this morning.

Fresh beluga caviar.

- [guests chuckling]
- [woman] Oh!

- Ahh!
- Mmm!

This, uh... [smacks lips]

This wouldn't be... fish?

Uh-oh.

Of course not, you cheeky monkey.

It's fish eggs.

[gulps]

What's wrong, Duke?
Not a fan?

[squishing]

[gagging]

I... in fact, love delicious,
tiny, black non-chicken eggs

that don't taste anything like chicken.

[gulps]

[laughs] Funny, I never realized.

"Duke" rhymes with "puke."

[gags]

[swallows]

[door opens]

[Devineaux] Do not be alarmed!

I am Inspector Devineaux,
and I'm here to warn you

there may be a criminal in your midst!

Is that so?

[Player] Red, I think we just bought you
some extra time.

A twisted mastermind
has been stealing priceless works of art

from museums across Europe.

She is a true menace.

She?

Yes, indeed. "She."

Carmen Sandiego.

Carmen Sandiego, here?

Impossible.

[gas hissing]

Not only might Carmen Sandiego
be lurking somewhere on these premises,

but I have reason to believe
she is working with an accomplice...

who could be any one of you.

There she goes!

La Femme Rouge!

Return to your meals.

Dessert's off.

Ha-ha!
Two can dance that tango.

[engine starts]

[dogs barking]

[barking]

You've cooked.
Now it's time to clean.

Scrub the chateau.

[Devineaux] Whoa!

Not tonight, you scarlet ski demon.

Stop right there, Carmen Sandiego.

Who?

You could have maimed me,
you maniac!

[stammering] But your red coat!

What about it?

Red brings out my eyes
and coats are warm!

[Zack] So, Ivy's playing red herring?

Huh. That's one fish I don't mind.

You're not the only one
who can nail a role, Duke.

[camera shutter clicking]

[Chief] Seems someone didn't wanna leave
any trace of this dinner party.

So, you are saying I may have been
standing in the very same room

amongst operatives of VILE?

The very organization
I've dedicated my life to proving exists?

Yes, Agent Devineaux,
that would be an accurate summary.

But we may have both been right
about Carmen Sandiego.

[reporter] Needless to say, the mysterious
return of stolen Vermeers

to institutions around the world
has shocked the art community.

Stealing historic works of art
doesn't seem to be her MO,

though she may have been working
with the Duchess all along.

[groans]

[Chief] A harsh reminder
that we live in a world

where villains may not always look
like villains.

Nor heroes like heroes.

All that we can be assured of

is that VILE will continue to operate
from the shadows.

So it is imperative that ACME
view the world in shades of gray.

[theme music playing]