02x13 - Don't Bring Your g*ns to Town, Santa

[bunniefuu]

[THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY'S
"COME ON GET HAPPY" PLAYING]

♪ Hello, world, hear the song
That we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We had a dream
We'd go traveling together ♪

♪ We'd spread a little love ♪

♪ And then we'll keep
Movin' on ♪

♪ Something always happens
Whenever we're together ♪

♪ We get a happy feeling
When we're singing a song ♪

♪ Traveling along there's
A song that we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

[FAMILY PLAYING
"WINTER WONDERLAND"]

[SINGING "WINTER WONDERLAND"]

I hope we make it home
before dark.

I wanna rattle presents.

Yeah, well, we can thank
Reuben for that.

Booking us in Las Vegas
right before Christmas.

What's wrong with Vegas?

Well, I like to spend
Christmas Eve at home.

Can't we go any faster, Mom?
Yeah, why are we slowing down?

Something must be wrong.
I have the gas pedal

all the way down
to the floor.

Will we make it home?

[ENGINE BACKFIRES
AND SPUTTERS]

Sorry I asked.

[♪♪♪]

Well, oil is leaking out
all over.

I'm not sure, but I think
the engine block is cracked.

For those of us
who don't read

Clutch and Brake,
what does that mean?

It means we're stuck here
until we find a garage.

Well, there must be one
in town somewhere.

Really? Where?

[♪♪♪]

We are in
big trouble.

Does this mean we're gonna
be stuck here for Christmas?

I think we can cancel
any plans for New Year's too.

[♪♪♪]

What rotten luck.

There's a whole world
of girls out there

holding mistletoe
over their heads,

and I'm stranded in the desert
getting chapped lips.

MAN:
Howdy, folks.

Come on, Ella.
My goodness.

Looks like you're
having a lot of trouble.

We certainly are.
around here?

This is a ghost town, ma'am.
Nothing around here but just me.

Are you a ghost?
No, no. I'm not a ghost. No.

How far is it
to the next town?

Well, it's about miles.

But their garage
won't be open.

This is Christmas Eve.
We know.

Well, I'm Charlie.
And this here is Ella.

How do you do, Charlie?
How do you do?

I'm Shirley Partridge.
This is my family.

How do you do, family?
Glad to meet you.

Reuben Kincaid.
I hate to greet and run,

but could you
drive us to the next town?

Why, I don't have a car.

I just got Ella,
that's all.

Well, guess there's only
one thing left to do.

Tear apart the engine and
hope it's not a cracked block.

Reuben, give me
a hand, will you?

Mom, does this mean

we won't be home
for Christmas?

It's beginning to
look that way, Chris.

Cheer up, kids.

Maybe we'll write
a song about this some day.

♪ Stuck in this lonely town
For Christmas ♪♪

That's not funny.

My goodness, it's getting cold
out here.

Why don't you all... All you
folks just come into my cabin,

and I'll fix you up
some good hot chocolate.

Thaw you out. All right?
Charlie. Thank you.

Let me help you off.
Thank you, Charlie.

Come right on in.

[♪♪♪]

Well...

Boy, I've been waiting
for Christmas all year.

Oh, come on, Tracy,
it's not that bad.

I know, we'll celebrate
Christmas a day later.

Or in the middle
of January.

Depending on when
the bus gets fixed.

I wish we could tell
Santa where we are.

He'll never find us here.

Strange you should say that,
Chris. Very strange.

Because a little boy
just about your age

said those very words in this
very place years ago.

Why did the boy say that?

Well, see, when the first
settlers built this town

all the kids were afraid,
just like you are now, Chris.

They were afraid Santa would
never find them way out here.

So the parents,
they figured out a plan.

What was that?

Well, they--
They made a bell.

[♪♪♪]

And they made a bell
out of the purest silver.

And that bell was
so shiny it gleamed

like a beacon
even at night.

And the tone,
the tone of that bell

was so crisp and beautiful
you could hear it

for miles
and miles and miles.

So every Christmas Eve,
exactly at midnight,

they rang the bell.

They rang the bell
to guide Santa into the town.

Did it work?

It sure did.

It sure did. They never
missed a Christmas.

And people came-- People came
from miles and miles and miles

just to see
that beautiful bell.

And some of them stayed.
They stayed right here.

[WIND WHISTLING]

This wasn't
always a quiet, shabby,

lonely little
ghost town. No, sirree.

Once this was a
hustling, bustling place.

[♪♪♪]

Everyone was happy
and doing real well.

It was a good town too.

So good that the sheriff
didn't even carry a g*n.

No, sirree. He carried
a guitar instead.

He was a handsome devil,
that sheriff.

His name was Sheriff Swell.

Not only was he sheriff,
he was the only source of news.

And as town historian,

he sang about all the important
events going on in town.

♪ He swept the streets
From dawn till daybreak ♪♪

[♪♪♪]

CHARLIE:
And there was a beautiful lady

named Miss Belle
who ran the saloon.

It was a real nice place

that served lemonade
and lollipops.

♪ I guess I'll lick
my lolly later ♪♪

CHARLIE:
were all sharp as a whip

because they had a pretty young
schoolmarm to teach them.

Well, things went real smooth
in town until that day.

The day before Christmas,
a stranger rode into town.

The meanest man in the West.
Mean Sidney.

Whoa.

CHARLIE: No one saw
Mean Sidney for a while,

so things
got back to normal.

The rink-a-tink piano player
began rink-a-tinking,

and Belle bought
a round of drinks.

[SLURPING]

Everything all right, boys?
Need more lemonade?

Someone stole
the bell, Belle.

What's a bell-bell, Belle?

Only in America.

The Christmas bell
is gone.

How will Santa
find us this year?

Don't worry, kids.
We'll find it.

Well, who could have done
such a mean thing?

[CROWD GASPING
AND MURMURING]

Somebody call me?

[♪♪♪]

What have you got there?

Why, it's my shaving kit.

Anybody here
doubt my word?

Sometimes I wish the customer
wasn't always right.

He's got our bell.
We gotta get it back.

Let's get the sheriff.

He's busy.

I should have known.

He's trying
to solve a stickup.

What can we do?
I have an idea.

Although I know
that the very sight

of Mean Sidney
repulses you,

you might try charming
him out of the bell.

It's your choice, dear.

If that's what I must do,
then do it I must.

Children, don't look.

He's mean.
I know.

He was thrown out of the cavalry
for being rude to Apaches.

Now what?

I think it's about time
I bought him a few drinks.

[♪♪♪]

Enough of this drop-at-a-time
stuff. Heat up the cow.

Amazing.

I never saw a man
hold his milk so well.

Belle, we've used up our
bag of tricks. I'm worried.

I think it's time
we let the sheriff try.

Now I'm really worried.

If Sheriff Swell talks to Mean,
he might just bore him to sleep.

It could work. He sure
has that effect on me.

[♪♪♪]

I'll see that and raise.

♪ He's bluffing
With a pair of sevens ♪♪

Sheriff.
Sheriff?

Could you come here
for a minute?

Oh, of course.

You wanted to see me?

Mean Sidney has
the Christmas bell.

What should we do?
Forget Christmas?

Sheriff, you have
to get it back.

Me? I can't do that. A man can't
take the law into his own hands.

You are the law.

Oh, yeah, right.

Well, he may be mean,

but I have a w*apon
he's never dealt with before.

Oh? What's that?

A cunning mind
and a glib tongue.

I'll talk him
into giving me the bell back.

Well, it's a long sh*t.

[♪♪♪]

Well, so much
for long sh*ts.

There's only one man
who can help us.

♪ There's only one man
Who can help us ♪♪

Who is that one man
who can help us♪

The bravest of the brave.

The bravest of the brave♪
Who's that♪

Here he comes now.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Of course. Why didn't I think
of him? Little the Kid.

My hero.

[CROWD APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

This Little the Kid,
what was he like?

I hear he had
red hair and freckles.

Why, just like you.

Doesn't surprise me any.

Lots of heroic figures
throughout history

had red hair
and freckles.

Like who?
Ann-Margret.

Van Johnson.
Howdy Doody.

I wanna hear
more of the story.

Me too.
CHARLIE: Well,

the Kid was a reformed
riverboat gambler

who hung up his cards
and went straight.

Kid, we're so glad
to see you.

All things come
to those who wait.

Including disaster.
And one just showed up.

You have to take
the good with the bad.

♪ He takes
The good with the bad ♪♪

But no one should have
to take something that bad.

Mean Sidney stole
the silver Christmas bell.

The Mean Sidney?

The meanest man in the West?
That's him.

You have to get
the bell back, Kid,

or Santa won't find us tonight
and we won't have Christmas.

I'll do anything I can.

Would you--?

Would you play cards
for the bell?

When I hung up my cards,

I swore I'd never touch
a deck again.

But if you don't, Kid,
we'll miss Christmas.

Do it for me, Kid.
For me too.

And for me.

Okay, I'll do it
for you two.

[♪♪♪]

It's the Kid.

[SPURS JINGLING]

Howdy, Little.
Howdy, Sid.

Folks call me Mean, Little.

Folks call me Kid, Sid.

Kid, you know
Mean Sidney?

It's been a long time.

I knew him when
he was just "Nasty."

And I've known
Little since he was...

Haven't
changed much, Kid.

Afraid I have, Mean. Now I'm
on the side of law and order.

This is a showdown.

Cards?

Belle, the silver box.

BELLE:
I have it right here, Kid.

Clear a table.

[♪♪♪]

How's that?
Glad I didn't ask you

to sh**t the breeze.

Hey, a real box.

Mighty fancy deck, Kid.

♪ That is a mighty
fancy deck, Kid ♪♪

That is the worst thing

I've heard
in my entire rotten life.

So I don't wanna hear any
more of it, you understand?

[CROWD CLAPS]

This is a showdown, Kid.
I got luck and $ .

I've got guts

and cents.

[♪♪♪]

It's : .

Only two minutes
till Christmas.

Oh, come on, Kid.
You can do it.

I'll raise your bet $ .

Here's cents.
I'll owe you the rest.

No deal.
Oh, you know I'm good for it.

I'll rob a bank tomorrow.

Cash. Unless you'd
care to put up your, uh...

E-flat shaving kit.

You are shrewd, Kid.
But I see right through you.

You just wanna win this bell
so the town can have Christmas.

Well, I ain't
falling for the old

bet-the-bell-to-win-
Christmas-back trick.

What do you care? The bell
isn't worth all that money.

Only one
minute left, Kid.

MEAN: No way you're
gonna get this from me.

It just so happens I got
a hand that can't lose.

Put your bell
where your mouth is.

[BELL RINGS]

Full house.

Four aces.

Loaded g*n.

You win.

♪ Nothing beats
a loaded p*stol ♪♪

You know, you are really
beginning to irritate me.

I won't let you
steal Christmas.

[CLOCK CHIMING]

It's midnight.

I won. I won.

There ain't gonna be
any Christmas.

Oh, no.
What a mean person.

[LAUGHING]

[VOICES SINGING "WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS]

What was that?
It sounded like

eight tiny reindeer.

[♪♪♪]

Santa was here.

It can't be.

It's Christmas
and the bell didn't ring.

Somehow he found us
without the bell.

You know, Kid,

maybe the bell didn't bring

Santa to town
all these years after all.

Maybe he came because

he sensed
the spirit of Christmas.

Lies. All lies.

For years, I've been sitting out
there in that desert alone

just waiting for Santa
to bring me something.

What did I get? Nothing.

But I always heard
your rotten

silver bell over here,

and you got all the presents.

Well, that's why
I stole the bell.

I'm full of
the Christmas spirit.

I'm willing to take
anything Santa would give me.

What does he give me? Zero.

Mean, the spirit of Christmas
is really the spirit of love.

Why should you expect
to receive something

when you're
not willing to give?

Well, if you have
to give to receive,

then forget it.
I mean, where's the profit?

Mr. Sidney,
since that silver bell

seems to mean
so much to you,

why don't you keep it
as a present from us.

Well, you mean,

you'd give me
your silver bell?

Why not?
Merry Christmas.

Well, it don't belong to me.

It belongs to the town.

Here, I want you
to have it.

See there, Mean? You're
getting the spirit already.

You got your first present
and you gave your first present.

Mean, why don't you stay
and have Christmas with us.

Me? Why me?

Because I think
you're tired of being mean.

Well, I ain't tired
of being mean, exactly.

But I am getting tired
of wearing basic black.

You see? That's a step
in the right direction.

Come on, folks.
The drinks are on me.

♪ Merry Christmas ♪♪

Can I be mean for just
five more seconds?

[ALL LAUGHING]

I love that story.
Oh, it was charming.

You kids
come around any time,

because I got a lot
of stories to tell.

Even better
than that one.

Well, we got the bus running.
Great.

It wasn't a cracked block,
it was just a blown gasket.

I made a new one
out of an old inner tube

so I think
it'll get us home.

[KIDS CHEERING]

DANNY:
We're going home.

[♪♪♪]

TRACY:
Hey, there's the bell.

And it's not
silver and shiny.

Well, what do you know?

Somebody must have
switched bells on me.

It was there
just yesterday.

Better check
Mr. Kincaid's shaving kit.

What?

Charlie, thank you
so much for everything.

I hope
we see you again soon.

Well, you folks are sure
always welcome.

We got plenty of hot chocolate
but not so many visitors.

Thank you, Charlie. Goodbye.
Goodbye, folks.

Bye, Charlie.
You stop by any time.

Bye, Charlie.

TRACY:
Thank you, Charlie.

KEITH:
Bye.

CHRIS: Goodbye, Charlie.
Goodbye.

Goodbye, family.
Goodbye.

[♪♪♪]

Merry Christmas, Charlie.

Merry Christmas.

[BELL RUNNING]

[FAMILY SINGING "HAVE YOURSELF
A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS"]

[♪♪♪]

You know, I'm glad we spent
last night with Charlie.

It's almost like having
two Christmases.

It's all right, if you care
for that kind of thing.

Mom, can we open
our presents now?

Not until Tracy
does her thing.

[♪♪♪]

Mistletoe.
You have to kiss me.

It's a good thing I only have
to do this once a year.

Now can we open
our presents?

Wait a minute.
Come here. Come here.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

ALL:
♪ Merry Christmas ♪♪

Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.

[♪♪♪]