12x03 - Idiots Deluxe

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

[STOOGES ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]

Order in the court.

Order in the court.

Do you hear me?
BAILIFF: Break it up!

Break it up, you guys.

Break it up. Go on over there
where you belong.

Yeah, go on where you belong.

Hey, you, sit down.

Don't interfere again.

Mr. Moe, you're accused of
assaulting your two roommates

with intent to commit mayhem.

You mean m*rder.

Yeah, and he tried
to k*ll us too.

Quiet!

This complaint states

that you att*cked the plaintiffs
with this.

State's exhibit A.

You admit this is your property,
do you not?

Well, Your Honor,
do you mind if I look at it?

You see, I had the name
carved somewhere on the handle--

A born k*ller, eh? Sit down!

But Your Honor, if you let me
tell my side of the story--

You mean, you have something
to say in extenuation?

Oh, not that.
No, no, not that, Your Honor.

You see, I had a good reason.

Were you ever indicted?

Not since I was a baby,
Your Honor.

But I'm a sick man.
A very sick man.

And I've had two
very serious operations.

And this one here,
for crushed grape seeds.

Right here.

Oh, I have one
exactly like that.

You have?
Yeah, let me show it to you.

Look, see here?
Oh, that's a bum job.

That's like hem stitching
with a picot edge.

[LAUGHS]

Sit down. We'll continue
with the testimony.

As I said before, Your Honor...
Yes.

I'm a very sick man.

And my doctor prescribed
peace and quiet.

He impressed me
that it must be quiet...

Quiet. Quiet!

Quit stomping around.

Scat!

[CAT SQUEALS] Oh, my nerves.

Oh...

I must have
and seven-eights.

[GROANS]

[LOUD OFF-KEY BIG BAND
MUSIC PLAYING]

MOE: Quiet!

Quiet, you imbeciles!

[HORN DRONES]

Hey, did you see that slide?

It must have gone in there.

Hey, did you see
a trombone slide anyplace?

Why, yes. Is this it?

Yeah, gimme it.

You got it.

BOTH: Oh! Ooh!

[BOTH GROANING]

Now play it, you rats.

My nerves.

Oh...

You're ungrateful.

Just when we were gonna
take you on a trip too.

What kind of a trip?

A hunting trip. Where you can
commute with nature,

live in the outdoors,
breathe fresh air.

[INHALES]

[COUGHS]

It'll make a new man out of you.

Picture yourself
in the great outdoors

under the beautiful blue sky...
Wonderful.

an open campfire blazing away.

And off in the distance,
we hear the call of the wolf.

[WOLF WHISTLES]

Quiet, wolf.

Ooh! Why, you... You--

Ooh! Don't excite me.

Don't excite me. You wanna go?

My pills. My medicine.
First the blue one.

No, me, me, me.
Yeah, him, him, him.

Me. The red one, the red one.

That's enough. The red one now.

There. The red one.

[GURGLES] Swallow.

[HUMMING]

Come on, get a move on.
Grub will be ready in a minute.

Okay. I'm sure glad we found

this old cabin.

[SIZZLING]

Get busy there. Mm.

Ooh! [DINNER BELL DINGLING]

MOE: Come and get it! All right.

Come on, you.

Oh, boy, hot groceries.

I'm starving.

Get that food on. Come on.

There ought to be plenty
of sh**ting around here.

This is game country.
How do you know?

I just saw a sign:
"Fine for hunting."

I think you got something there.

Yes, I have.

Scrambled eggs.

And don't touch them until
I come back with the potatoes.

Haven't seen this in years.

Hey, there's something missing
on this.

It's sugar. I know,
I'll go get some.

You worm.

Where's your manners? Why didn't
you leave me some of them eggs?

CURLY: I didn't touch them.
MOE: Oh, shut up

and don't make things worse.

The next time
a thing like that happens,

I'll gouge your eyes out.
CURLY: But--

MOE: I'll tear your tonsils out.

You ain't supposed to eat
until we're all seated

and everybody has a chance.

Oh, shut up. Hm!

What did you say? Hm!

Ugh!

[SPUTTERS]

Now, behave yourself.
You can take my word, Moe--

Your word's no good.

At least I'll get
my rightful share

of those potatoes.

Oh, another chiseler, eh?

What's the matter with you?

Wait a minute,
I didn't do nothing.

You didn't do nothing, eh?

You ate everything
but the platter.

All right, now you're full,
you guys cook my breakfast.

Boil me some noodles
and fry me some eggs.

And get going!
I wasn't even here.

Go on. Oh, my nerves.

Oh, my nerves. Oh...

Get the spaghetti. Okay.

How do you like the eggs?

Sunny-side down.
And don't turn them over.

[SIZZLES]

Where's that fresh honey?

Oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy.

Ah...

If there's anything I like
better than honey and ketchup,

it's bologna and whipped cream,

and we haven't got any.

I'd love that.

Nice spaghetti.

Ah--! Ah--! Ah--! Ah--!

MOE: Hey.

[SCREAMS]

MOE: You imbecile.

You're a nitwit,
that's what you are.

What's the matter with you?

Hey, Moe-- Moe,

there's a b-b-b-b-bear
in the window.

You're wacky. What do you mean,
bear in the window?

There's no bear around here.

[ROARS] Oh! Oh--! Oh!

You're right.
There is a bear around here.

Here, you take this bear trap.

You take this g*n.

Now go on out there and get him.

I'd go with you,
but my nerves are sh*t.

I ain't got the nerve either.

Go on, scat, now!

All right, all right. Whoo-whoo!

Oh. Oh, my--

Ah-- Ah--

[GRUNTS]

Don't be afraid,
I'm right behind you.

Thanks.

Look at me shaking.
I've got the chills again.

Oh, my.

Hey, we'll set a trap for him
here.

When he comes back for lunch,
we'll get him.

Great.

There. Let's camouflage it.

Okay.

I'd like to see the expression
on that bear

when he gets in that trap.

[SNICKERS]

Ah--

[SPUTTERS]

Ah-- Ah-- Ah-- Ah!

Oh!

Oh, he's got me.

[CRIES]

Oh! Oh, Moe, Larry!

Ah--! Ah--! Ah--! Ah--!
Ah--! Ah--! Ah--!

Did you hear that?
He's got him. He's got him.

You want the bear
to eat him alive?

Go out there and help him.

That bear don't need no help.

What are you, a coward?

Yes.

Go on out and save him.

I'll go but my heart
ain't in it.

Go on.

If I wasn't afraid--

I mean, if I wasn't sick, I'd--

I'd help you too.

How do you like that?

Afraid of a little teddy bear.

[SNIFFING]

[GROANS]

[SNIFFS]

Ooh, ooh, ooh,

ooh!

There, it was only the trap.

What's the idea
of scaring us half to death?

The bear was here in person,
I tell you.

I saw him with my eyes,
I heard him with my ears

and this trap got me
by the tail.

Where did he go? That way.

Come on.

It's the bear!

[SCREAMS]

Oh-- Ow! Ow!
Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Ah-- Ah! It's Moe.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Oh...
You looked just like that bear.

Shut up. Give me that g*n.

I didn't do nothing-- Shut up!

Boy, a duck!

That's what I call hunting. Ha!

What are you doing?

Waiting for the dressing
and the cranberry sauce.

Isn't this a pretty spot?

What a place.

You sure you feel good enough
to go hunting, Moe?

I feel wonderful.

Go on. You boys sh**t your bear.
I'll wait here.

Oh, still afraid, huh?

Afraid? Me, afraid?

Now I'm mad.

It's either the bear or me.

I'll bring up the rear
in case he att*ck from behind.

Go ahead.

Oh!

Oh!

Ooh!

Why don't you fellas
be careful? Get down.

[BOTH GROAN]

Ah-- Ah-- Ah--
Hey, fellas, I got the--

Mm!

[BARKS]

[WHIMPERS]

Mm!

Hey, you cowards,
come back here.

He's a coward too.

Mm!

He went in there.
Well, go on after him.

What's stopping you? The bear.

Why, you...

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck--

Come on. Oh!

Hey, wait a minute.
Look at these rocks.

Let's barricade that cave
and smother him to death.

I think you got a little piece
of brain now.

Okay, let's go.

Here you are.

LARRY: Here's one. Catch it.

Signals!

[GROANS]

Hey, Moe-- Ah-- Ah!

Hey, Larry, hey, Larry,
Moe's fainted!

Oh, the excitement
was too much for him.

Let's get him back to the car.

Come on.

Come on.

Take it easy.

Okay.

One, two, three.

Now, rest easy.

Let's get the cave blocked up
before the bear gets out.

Okay.

Hey, catch.

[GROANS]

Why, you...

Oh! Oh, you wanna play, eh?
I got you-- No.

Hey, you, this is no time
to play games. I had--

Whoo! Ah--! Ah--! Oh!

Hey, Larry, we got him,
we got him. Look.

Uh, are you sure he's dead?

Certainly. If you don't believe
me, put your head to his chest

and listen to his heart.

I'll take your word for it.

Say, he'll make a beautiful rug.

Do you know a taxidermist?

Certainly. My cousin Willie
from Pittsburgh.

He drives a taxi.

Taxidermist, taxidermist!

Taxidermist to you too.

Come on, help me put him
in the car.

Oh, boy. We got a bear,
a great big bear,

without f*ring a single sh*t.

That's what I call hunting.

Ah--! Ah--! Ah--!

[ROARS]

Oh! Oh! Oh, my nerves.

Oh! Mm.

Cut it out.

Cut what out?

Don't be cute.

Oh! Mm!

Ooh!

What's the idea
of hitting me on the head?

I hit you because you hit me.

I didn't hit you.

Oh, yes, you did.

You hit me,
but I didn't hit you.

Oh, skip it.

Oh!

See? You did it again.

Hey, how could you hit me over
here if your hand's in your lap?

Yeah.

What a dope I am. I'll say.

It was Moe all the time.
Listen, I--

[BEAR GROWLS] [BOTH SCREAM]

Whoo-ho!

Look!

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[LOUD CRASH]

CURLY: Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo.

What'll Moe say
when he sees this?

You forget,
Moe is no longer with us.

The bear ate him up.

CURLY: Poor Moe.

LARRY: Oh, woe is Moe.

Oh, woe is you. Whoa, Moe!

Oh! Oh-ho! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Oh, look.

And now my doctor says

I'll have to go back to bed
for six months.

[CLUCKS TONGUE]

I find the defendant not guilty.

Case dismissed.

Thank you, Your Honor.

You're entirely welcome.

Do you mind if I have exhibit A
back again, Your Honor?

Certainly not. Help yourself.
Thank you, Your Honor.

Unfair, that's what it is.
Why, it's a good thing--

Oh, boys. Come here. Yes?

I have something for you.
Give it to us!

Come on. You got it.

LARRY: Whoa! CURLY: Ah--! Ah--!

I'll get you for this!
I'll get you...!

[♪]