12x04 - If a Body Meets a Body

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

Say, how about this?

"Wanted: Gravediggers.
Good salary, apply--"

No, no. Too-- Too morbid.

The morbid the merrier.
Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck--

Get out. Oh, whoa.

Hey, here's one.

"Wanted: Waiters.

"Free uniforms,
free transportation,

"free lunches,
free sleeping quarters,

and free cigarettes."

Oh, boy. Free cigarettes.

What, no matches?

I wouldn't work for that piker.

He's right.

He's probably the kind of guy
who would put water in his soup.

Water in his soup.

That reminds me, I'm hungry.

Me too. Me three. Let's eat.

Yeah.

Ah.

What do we got? Nice soup

from a nice, juicy bone.

Hot soup.

[SNIFFS]

Whew.

Smells like a dead horse.

Why, you numbskull.

We sent you to the butcher shop
for meat,

not to the glue factory.

Oh-ho. Ooh.

He's trying to poison us,
that's what.

You get out of this house
before I split your head open

from ear to ear,
you Lucrezia Borgia.

If that means
what I think it does--

So what?

So I'll go.

[HONKS]

Hey, Larry, look.

Goodbye, fellas.

Wait a minute, kid.

We were only fooling.

Gee, really?

Yeah. Haven't we always shared
everything you ever owned?

Certainly.

By the way, didn't you say
your last name was Link?

You know my name
is Curly Q. Link.

What's the Q stand for? Quincy?

No. Quillop?

No. What does the Q stand for?

Cuff. Oh, Cuff link.

Oh--

Didn't you once tell me
you were born in Oxford?

I don't remember.
I was born awfully young.

Think hard. Concentrate.

Didn't you say you had an uncle?

Yeah, Uncle Bob O. Link,

but the family
didn't speak to him.

He had millions.

That's it. We're rich.

We're filthy with dough.

You're filthy without it.

Look, spongehead,
I ain't kidding.

You're rich.
You're a millionaire.

You're in the dough.
You're swimming in filthy lucre.

You're in the moola, kid. I am?

Yeah.

Then why am I bothering
with you two hobos?

Oh, a snob, eh?

A double-crosser. Ooh.

Wait a minute.

Can't I be a millionaire
without you two guys?

No. No.

That's all I wanted to know.

Let's go and get the dough.

ALL:
♪ Let's go and get the dough ♪

♪ Go and get the moola ♪

♪ Go and get the moola ♪

♪ Go and get the moola ♪

♪ Go and get the-- ♪

[SIZZLES] [SCREAMS]

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Good evening, gentlemen.

My, oh, my, oh, my, oh, my.

Ho, what a night.

Good thing I brought
my umbrella.

[SPITS]

[SIGHS]

Boy, what a beautiful place.

[GRUNTS]

What knicky-knackers.

We ought to get plenty
in hock for this, kid.

Yeah.

Look at those
Harveytoonionian rugs.

Ho-ho. Is that what they are?

What a beautiful place.

It reminds me
of the reformatory.

Yeah.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Come on. Ooh-- Ow!

Oh, I beg your pardon,

but do you know when
they're gonna read the will?

[ALL CLAMORING INDISTINCTLY]

Quiet, quiet.

Keep your shirt on, folks.

There ain't gonna
be no will read.

Then what are we here for?

You're here because Professor
Bob O. Link didn't die.

He was m*rder*d. m*rder*d?

m*rder*d?
Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo--

And his body disappeared.

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo.
Say, it's absurd.

You don't think we did it?

Well, maybe you did
and maybe you didn't,

but you're not leaving
here till I find out, see?

Besides, some of you
is still missing.

I beg your pardon--

Who are you?

I'm Curly Q. Link.

Oh, you're the missing Link.

No, I'm the found Link.
Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Quiet.
What's the matter with you?

Who are you?

Don't tell me you haven't heard
of Link, Mink, and Pink.

Never heard of them.
What do they do?

We're in the sausage business.

Link sausage, Mink sausage
and Pink sausage.

Ooh... [BARKS]

Easy, Fido, easy.

MAN: Help! Help!

[MUFFLED SCREAMS]

Oh...

[GASPS]

[ALL GASP]

They got the lawyer too.

Ah--! Ah--!

And they stole the will.

My money.

Come on, get out of here.

LARRY: You heard the man.

Oh, this--
No, you don't want to see this.

Nobody enter that room
or touch anything.

You fellas guard the door.

Aye, aye, sir. ALL: Ooh!

Where's the phone?

Over there.

There's been another m*rder
at Riverside Drive.

Yes, I'll file
a complete report later.

[HANGS UP]

Halt. Who goes there?

Friend or enemy?
Give the call sign.

ALL: Ooh!

ALL: Pass, friend.

[GASPS]

[GASPS]

[INDISTINCT MURMURING]

Now, that settles it.

Hey, Jerkington.

Yes, sir.

These people are staying
all night. Give them rooms.

[ALL GROANING]

Take the south room, please.

You take the north room, please.

MAN: Oh, dear, we
don't want to stay here.

Well, get going.

This way, please.

[GROWLS] [BARKS]

[WHIMPERS]

MOE: Ah--! Ah--! Ah--!
CURLY: Oh!

MOE: What's going on here?

What are you do--?
What's the matter with you?

CURLY: It's dark in here.

MOE: I can see the darkness.

What are you--? Oh, it's you.

Get down out of here.

I don't like darkness.

Storm must have
put out the lights.

Come. This way.

[WHIMPERS]

I wouldn't go into that room
if I were you.

That was the master's
laboratory.

Laboratory?

Yes.

He was a chemist.

Made his experiments in there.

This room gives me the creeps.

Poor Mr. Link,
he was m*rder*d in this room,

on the very spot
on which you're standing.

Wow!

[SHIVERING]

What's the matter with you,
lunkhead?

And then the master's body
disappeared.

Do you have to keep
reminding me?

Sorry.

Goodnight, gentlemen.

I hope you'll have
a nice, long sleep.

Thanks, Dracula.

We might as well go to bed.

Suppose the-- The m*rder*r
comes back again.

Shut up. You got
nothing to worry about.

If he stabs you in the head,
he'll wreck his Kn*fe.

And don't say "m*rder" anymore,
will you?

Hey. What's the idea going
to bed with your clothes on?

I wanna be ready
in case something happens.

Oh, a fraidy cat.

Yeah.

Ah.

[MOE SIGHS]

Blow out the candle.

Oh, no.
Then it'll be dark in here.

I'm scared. I might see a ghost.

Blow it out, I said,
or I'll blow out your brains.

Or a reasonal facsimile thereof.

A reasonal facsimile? All right.

[BLOWS] [SNORING]

Hey, hey. What happened?

Wake up and go to sleep.

Or a facsimile thereof.

Come on-- Shut up.

[SNORING]

[CREAKING]

Hey, Moe.

[STUTTERS]

What's the matter? The door.

It o-o-opened by itself. Moe.

You're crazy.

The wind probably blew it open.

Now, go on to sleep.

Oh.

[WIND GUSTING]

[SQUAWKING]

[CHIRPING]

Hey, Moe. Hey, Moe.

What's the matter this time?
I hear somebody groaning.

The place is full of spooks.

[CHIRPS]

Let's light the candles
and look under the bed.

Okay, if you promise
to go to sleep.

Oh, I promise.
Honestly, I do. I promise.

Okay.

Oh.

Ooh.

There.

Get up.

I'll show you there's
nothing around here.

Show me.

Pull the light down here.

I don't understand
why you should get so spooky

just because a guy
got croaked in this room.

Now, look under there.
CURLY: Yeah?

MOE:
There's a mattress and a spring

and a bedstead

and a few termites.

I don't see no termites.

Well, look under here.
I'll start again.

There's a spring,

a bedstead and some bed slats.

There's a rug

and a mattress...

Moe. Moe. Moe, Moe.
and a few ter--

A skeleton.

I don't see anything.

What's the matter with you?

If you don't stop seeing things,
I'm gonna gouge your eyes out.

Now, there's nothing
around here, you understand?

Here. Take a good look
under the bed.

There's nothing there
but a mattress

and a spring
and there's some slats.

Hello.

It's a fine time
to be "helloing."

There it is.

It spoke to me again.

It's walking around.

The spook spoke.

Hey, what's going
on around here?

There's a hideous ghost
walking around

with its head in its hands.

Where? There.

There's nothing over there.
Where?

It went behind a chair.
I saw it.

Now, look. Once and for all
we'll show you

there's no ghost behind chairs.

Hey, is there?

Go on, you guys go first.
I'll be right behind you.

Now, come on.
There's nothing to be afraid of.

LARRY: We'll sneak up on it.

MOE:
I'll handle the whole situation.

Where? Behind there.

Oh, I can't look at this.

I can't. I can't.

Ow! Oh!

You burn me up.

Get out of the way.

I'll find this thing.

Skeletons. Bunk, that's what.

[BOTH SCREAM]

Now, where's your ghost?

A skeleton with little feet, eh?

Carrying his head in his hands.
All right, stop it!

Go on back there into bed.
Stop it!

Breaking up my sleep.

If you so much as breathe,
I'll tear your tonsils out

and tie it around your neck
for a bow tie.

Shut up. Get in there.

Out to the edge, now.

You're a sleep-wrecker.

Go to sleep.

I tell you, I saw a ghost.

Go on. Ah...

Ghosts. Spooks. Skeletons.

Kid's stuff.

There are no such things
as ghosts.

Ooh.

Hey.

What's the idea
of hitting me on the head?

I didn't hit you
on the head... yet.

Ooh. Go on, go to sleep.

Ah...

[SQUAWKS] [SCREAMS]

[STUTTERING]

Moe. Moe, Moe.

He's right. It's a ghost.

It's right there. It's on the--

Uh-- Uh, what?

Oh, you too, eh? No, it was--

I'm gonna have trouble with you.
No--

Well, let me give you
a little advice.

What? That.

Now, go on. Go to sleep
before I m*rder you.

You guys somnambulas?

[PARROT LAUGHING]

[CACKLING]

[ALL GIBBERING]

[PARROT LAUGHING]

There it goes again.

MOE: There it goes again.

[PARROT CACKLING]

MOE: Let's get out of here.

CURLY: Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo.

[ALL GIBBERING]

See? I told you
there was ghosts.

Yeah. If I hadn't
seen it with my own eyes,

I wouldn't believe it.

Now, b-b-be calm,
fellas, like me.

I-I-I ain't scared.

But let's get the heck
out of here!

Yeah.

It's locked.

There m-must be a key.
See if we can find it.

Yeah, all locks got keys.

Now, let's see
if we can find the key.

Ah--! Ah--! Ah--!

[SIGHS]

Oh, come on, fellas,
don't lean on me now.

I'm all excited
and tired and I--

I see I'll have to take action.

Why I--

[SCREAMS]

[SPUTTERING]

CURLY: We're trapped like rats.

Let us out of here.
Open the door.

Help!

I got an idea.

Stand aside.
I'll break the door down.

It's the detective.
Get some water.

Are you all right, mister?

Oh, come on, fella,
say a few syllables--

[GROANS]

Who hit me?
It-- It was the ghost.

Ghost? Yeah.

And there's a body in that room.

It's my uncle, Bob O. Link.

Where is he? Show me.

Right this way.
Here he is, come on.

You see, it was--

[ALL WHIMPERING]

Well, where's the body?
Where is it?

Well, it was right there.

And it leaned
right on my shoulder.

Yeah, I saw it.
What kind of a gag

do you think you birds
are pulling on me?

Listen, mister.

Yeah, this joint's haunted.

Haunted my eye.

Now, don't give me
any more trouble.

[PARROT CACKLING]

Ah!

[ALL SCREAM]

Sorry, bub, we didn't know--

[ALL SCREAM]

Out this door.

[MUFFLED SCREAMS]

Ah!

[SLAMS] [ALL SCREAM]

Whew. Boy.

Hello.

[ALL SCREAM]

Oh, excuse us, lady.

Pardon me, lady. Help her.

Here's your wig.

And here's the will.

She's a he. Hey, wait a minute--

Hold on there, you.

What's going on here?
What's going on?

Here's your m*rder*r
and here's his disguise.

And we found a will on him.

Oh, so it's you, huh?

Well, come on.

Hey, gimme my will.

Let me read this.

Don't shake, take it easy.

"Section :

"To my neice Liza Link
I leave $,,.

To my nephew Curly Q. Link--"
That's me! That's me!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How much? How much?

"To my nephew Curly Q. Link,

I leave a sum total
of cents, net."

Sixty-seven--!

Sixty-seven cents!

Sixty-seven cents.
Sixty-seven cents.

ALL: Sixty-seven cents.

Sixty-seven cents. Sixty-seven.

[♪]