04x16 - Queen for a Minute

[bunniefuu]

♪ Hello, world, hear
the song that we're singin'

♪ Come on, get happy

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin'

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We had a dream
we'd go travelin' together

♪ And spread a little lovin'
then we'd keep movin' on

♪ Somethin' always happens
whenever we're together

♪ We get a happy feelin'
when we're singin' a song

♪ Travelin' along there's
a song that we're singin'

♪ Come on, get happy

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
is what we'll be bringin'

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We'll make you happy

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

Hey, Laurie, I got this new...

Keith, don't you ever knock
before coming into a person's room?

You're not a person.
You're my sister.

Besides, the door is open.

That doesn't make any difference.
It's only common courtesy.

Okay.

Laurie, may I come in? No.

That's why I didn't
knock in the first place.

I've written a little two-way
thing for a piano and guitar.

And I want to hear
what it sounds like

before I finish the
whole arrangement.

Yeah, looks interesting. I'll
go over it with you on Monday.

I don't want to lose
the whole weekend.

Come on, it will only
take a couple of hours.

No way. I'm spending
the weekend with a friend.

What's more important?
An arrangement for the family

or you spending the weekend
with one of your ding-a-ling friends?

Are you saying my
friends are ding-a-lings?

Not all of them. Only
the ones I've met.

Well, for your information,

this particular friend happens
to be a basketball player.

So, what do you
need the bag for?

Well, I'm spending the night.

Huh?

Well, Frankie's parents
aren't gonna be home

and we'll have the
house all to ourselves.

Wait a minute.
You can't do that.

What do you care what I do?

You're my sister.

True, but everybody
knows a sister isn't a person.

You said so yourself.

Yeah, well, never
mind what I said.

Listen to what I'm telling you.

I know what I'm doing.

I don't get it, Laurie. You've
never done anything like this before.

How do you know?

Has anybody seen the paper?

Well, are you gonna
tell her or am I?

Tell me what?

Laurie's spending the
weekend with a basketball player.

In a house. Alone.

Is that true, Laurie?

Well, yeah. You've
met Frankie, Mom.

Oh, yes. Nice kid.

Yeah, I can go, can't I?

Well, I don't see why not.

Thank you.

Now, has anybody seen the paper?

What? Is everybody
going nuts around here?

That must be Frankie
now to pick me up.

Yeah, well, I want to
have a word with this guy.

Be careful. Remember.
Frankie's an athlete.

I'll handle him.

Hi.

Hi, Frankie.

Meet my brother Keith.

Nice to meet you, Keith.

Well, you certainly don't
look like a basketball...

I mean, I meant
that as a compliment.

Well, it didn't come
out like a compliment.

What's a basketball player
supposed to look like?

Like a guy.

- She is, too!
- She is not!

She is, too! She is not!

She is, too! She is not!

Mom, Tracy has got this weird idea
that Frankie's on the basketball team.

Well, not yet.

But wait until the
tryouts on Monday.

There's never been a
girl on the team before.

Maybe it's time there was.

Wait a minute. A girl can't
play on the same team as a guy.

Why not?

There's millions of reasons.

For instance?

They'd be too busy powdering
their noses to catch the rebounds.

Keith, that isn't fair.

There have been many great
superstars that have been women.

Oh, yeah. Name one.

I know. Babe Ruth.

I was thinking of
Billie Jean King. Right.

She had no trouble
putting Bobby Riggs away.

Well, who couldn't
b*at a -year-old man?

Margaret Court.

Well, all I've got to say
is any girl who thinks

she's good enough to play
varsity basketball is crazy.

Lucky sh*t.

Another lucky sh*t.

Frankie.

sh**t some free throws.
I'll be right with you.

You don't think I'm
good enough, huh?

No. You're darn good,
Frankie, but that's not the point.

The point is you're a girl.

You haven't even
given me a chance.

That's really not very fair.

Look, if it was up to me,
I'd give you a chance,

but my hands are tied.

Rules are rules, not to
mention, custom and tradition.

All based on outmoded ideas
which should be changed.

That's right, but I
can't change them.

Then it's final. You won't
let me play on the team?

I'm sorry, Frankie.

Well, I guess the only
thing we have left to do

is take it up with
the school board.

And I don't think it'll
work, but good luck.

Come on.

All right! All right!
That's enough!

I'd like to request a cease-fire

just long enough to rehearse
Keith's new arrangement.

Is that understood? Yes.

Sorry I'm late, everybody.
But it couldn't be helped.

You wouldn't believe
what happened.

Some dumb woman driver
almost ran me off the road.

You've heard the old gag
about the woman driver

who was either signaling for a
left turn or trying to dry her nails?

This one was trying to do both.

And then she turned right.

But through sheer talent
and split-second timing,

I was able to avoid a collision.

There should be one lane
on the freeway just for women.

Two lanes?

Reuben, you're no
better than all the rest.

The rest of what? What's
going on around here?

We're having a
slight family dispute.

All because Laurie's
girlfriend is trying out

for the varsity basketball team.

A girl?

He's kidding?

That's the funniest
thing I've ever heard.

I tried to tell 'em.

What is so funny about it?

Well, 'cause it won't work.

All right. That's enough.

I usually try and stay
neutral in these things,

but your little joke has
gone too far, all of you!

All of us? I just got here.

All you guys think
we're interested in

is being cheerleaders
or homecoming queens.

And then if we get real lucky,

we can all grow up
to be Playboy bunnies.

Now, that's a great idea.

That Laurie can grow
up to be a Playboy bunny?

No, that she could become
homecoming queen. Is that for real?

Sure, it's for real. Any
pretty girl can enter.

Yeah, and this year, it's a big
deal. TV coverage and everything.

Hmm.

Laurie, have you
entered this contest?

No. You really
should think about it.

You know, I mean, you're
good-looking. You've got charm.

And it would be terrific
publicity for the family if I won.

Right. What do you think?

Reuben, I think it's the
dumbest idea you've ever had.

Don't let her upset you, Reuben.

You've had a lot dumber ideas.

It's been a great week.

You get humiliated
by the basketball coach

and I get humiliated
by my own family.

The frustrating thing about it,

you can't even get
the men to listen,

much less admit
there's a problem.

Of course, I wouldn't exactly
call Keith and Danny men.

No, but there's always a
possibility they'll grow up someday.

Yeah, and become like Reuben.

What we need is
mass male education.

Great. How do you
get to the masses?

We can't even get to the
dummies who live here.

Speaking as one of the dummies,
may I make a suggestion?

Mom, I wasn't including you.

Instead of sitting here complaining
about the way things are,

why don't you do
something about it?

Sure, but what?

Enter the homecoming
queen contest.

Mom, that's the way they think.

That women are just pretty
objects to be admired or judged.

And if one is admired enough,

she gets to be homecoming queen

and the homecoming queen gets
to make an acceptance speech.

That's right, and that speech
will be our chance to say it all.

What a fantastic idea.

Frankie, you have
to enter that contest.

Not me, you.

Why me?

Because those basketball tryouts

haven't done much
for my popularity.

You would have a
better chance to win.

A slim chance.

Slim's better than none.

Oh, come on, Laurie.
It's our only hope.

Well, okay, but
I'll need your help.

Anything to put those
guys in their place.

The contest is only
one week away.

You girls better get to work.

Yeah, we got to get busy.

This is gonna be one homecoming
queen contest they'll never forget.

You guys have got to be kidding.

That doesn't sound like
the same Jerry Bishop who

assembled the Volkswagen
in the principal's office.

Yeah, what about the time
you won the pizza eating contest.

Took a lot of guts to eat
pizzas in two hours.

That was a year ago.
I still got heartburn.

What have you done lately?

You're fading away into oblivion. It's
time you did something spectacular.

But me as homecoming
queen? It's ridiculous.

Not more ridiculous than Frankie Kirkwood
going after the basketball team, is it?

You're right. That's
ridiculous. You see?

Right, if they wanna play
games, let's show 'em.

That's right. You'll
be sensational.

Why, the whole town will
be talking about Jerry Bishop.

Come on, say you'll do it.

Okay. All right.

Hi, Jerry. What
are you doing here?

Hi. Nothing. I was just...

I'll withdraw the
question. It was a toughie.

No, I... Really, I was just...

He came over to
borrow a tire rim.

Jerry, Jerry, here
is your tire rim.

Thanks. Bye.

Hi. Hi.

I'll have it back by
Monday. I promise.

Look, I'm gonna get started.
We got a lot of work to do here.

Look, I rewrote the lyric on this. I
think, it will be a little better now.

Hmm. Money,
Money. Good title, title.

Look, the music's
still the same,

so try to keep up with the
rest of us this time, okay?

If you didn't write so sloppily,

we wouldn't make
as many mistakes.

You two do very
well with the arguing.

Think you can do
as well with the song?

Can certainly try.

♪ Money, money
♪ I wish I had some

♪ I'd spend it on you, babe

♪ 'Cause you're really somethin'

♪ Even though I don't have a lot

♪ You can have what I've got

♪ Money, money ♪ Money, money

♪ Money, money ♪ Money, money

♪ Money, money ♪
I just don't have none

♪ But you're
the kind of girl that

♪ Makes me want to get some

♪ Makes me want to
Makes we want to get some

♪ So I can go where
I've never seen myself

♪ And you've never been

♪ Money, money ♪ Money, money

♪ Money, money ♪ Money, money

♪ I've got to get
myself up out of bed

♪ And get some work today

♪ If I'm ever gonna
keep a girl like you around

♪ Got to : to
: it all week long

♪ Till I get some take-home pay

♪ 'Cause everybody knows

♪ That you like
your fancy clothes

♪ And that's where my money goes

♪ Money, money ♪ Money, money

♪ Money, money ♪ Money, money

♪ Money, money
♪ I've got to have it

♪ And if I get the chance again

♪ You know I'm gonna grab it

♪ I'm gonna, gonna,
gonna, gonna grab it

♪ I got to make some money
today if I want you to stay

♪ Money, money ♪ Money, money

♪ Money, money
Money, money, money

♪ Money, money ♪ Money, money

♪ Money, money ♪
Money, money, money

♪ Money, money ♪
Money, money, money ♪

Well, that's coming along fine.

But I think we could use some
work in the smiling department.

Dinner will be
ready in half an hour.

Come on, kids.

I like the song.

You do?

Yeah. The music's great.

Well, thank you, Laurie.

It's too bad the lyrics spoiled
the whole thing, though.

But it's a typical
Keith Partridge lyric

reflecting typical
Keith Partridge values.

What values? It's a song
about a boy and a girl.

Right, but if the boy
wants to keep the girl,

he has to shower her with
money and give her fancy clothes.

So, what's wrong with that?

You still don't get it, do you?

No.

The girl in your
song is just an object.

A pretty object out
to get what she can.

Well, if the shoe fits...

Who asked you to butt in?

Who's butting in? I live here.

Yeah, unfortunately
for the rest of us.

Don't use it all up.

You want to save some for
the homecoming queen contest.

Save some what?

Your charm and personality.

Come on, kids. We'll be late.

Okay. Take it easy.

Oh, honey, you look just lovely.
Our new homecoming queen.

Oh, I hope so.

It's the only way
our plan can work.

Where's Keith and Danny?

They left for the auditorium.

They said to tell you
they had a surprise for you.

Maybe it's a bouquet of roses.

From Keith and Danny?

Scratch that.

Let's go.

That was Sheila Martin,
ladies and gentlemen.

When is Laurie coming
on? Very soon, honey.

Economics and the president

of the San Pueblo
High Drama Club...

They seem to be
enjoying themselves.

And we are going to see many
more before the evening is over.

A little too much.

And I like cooking and
reading and horseback riding.

Very good, Judy.

You're a young lady with
your whole life ahead of you.

What are you looking
forward to the most?

Uh, getting off the stage.

Come on, let's hear it,
ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you, Judy Gritzer.

She's very cute.

The competition is pretty stiff.

You can't blame
Judy for being nervous.

This is really a
big night for her.

Mom is watching.
Try to look worried.

What's with them?

They're up to something.

And now our next contestant,
one of the prettiest birds

you'll see on this
or any other stage,

Miss Laurie Partridge.

Laurie, suppose
you tell our audience

why you entered the
homecoming queen contest.

Well, I think that the
homecoming queen contest

is a wonderful opportunity
for any young woman.

In these days of international
crises... What is she saying?

She's been under
those hot lights too long.

I feel proud to be a part of this
tribute to American womanhood.

And I'd like to take this time
to thank my wonderful family.

My mother, my little sister
and my wonderful brothers,

without whose help and
inspiration this wonderful evening...

Something's weird.

But wait till she gets a
look at the next contestant.

Thank you.

Thank you, Laurie.

Laurie Partridge.

And now, ladies and
gentlemen. Here it comes.

Contests aren't quite
what they used to be.

I guess the best way to
handle it is to go straight ahead.

I give you our next contestant,

Ms. Jerry Bishop.

All right, Jerry. Why do you
want to be homecoming queen?

Well, isn't that the dream of
every red-blooded American boy?

And what do you expect
to get out of this contest?

Well, Judy Gritzer's
phone number, for one.

Well, thank you, Jerry
Bishop. You certainly have guts.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
a minute intermission

while the judges
mark their ballots.

The big moment
will soon be at hand.

Interesting contest, isn't it?

Yeah. It looks like
a toss-up so far.

Cute. Very cute.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourselves.

What did we do?

Yeah, we're just
interested spectators.

Oh, really? I suppose
it wasn't your idea

to have Jerry Bishop
enter the contest.

Oh, that. Well,
you're not saying

there's anything wrong
with that, are you?

Yeah, if a girl can go out
for the basketball team,

why can't a guy become
homecoming queen?

Frankie happens to be a
very good basketball player.

And Jerry happens
to be a beauty.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the moment we've
all been waiting for,

the decision of the judges.

I'll start by announcing the
name of the third runner-up.

Miss Judy Gritzer.

Second runner-up.
Miss Donna Fleming.

And the first runner-up,

Jerry Bishop.

And the Homecoming
Queen of San Pueblo High School,

Miss Laurie Partridge.

Thank you very much.

I want each and every
one of you to know

that I am not the least bit
flattered to have been chosen

to receive this
dubious distinction.

I am appalled at such
customs and traditions

that judge people by labels.

Labels of race, creed,
color, and even sex.

People are people,

and they must be
judged by their merits.

Whether they are
lawyers or teachers

or basketball players.

Now, I had a lot more
to say on the subject,

but I think you know
what I'm talking about.

It's simply that
people are everything

and that women are people.

All we ask is to be
treated that way.

I apologize for using this
contest as a forum for my views,

but it's time that
someone spoke up.

There is one other thing.

I cannot accept the title
of Homecoming Queen

because it stands for so
many things that I am against.

Therefore, according to
the rules, I hereby decline

and turn the crown over
to the first runner-up,

your new homecoming queen.

Of course I was nervous.

You didn't look it.

That's because you
couldn't see my knees.

Goodbye, kids. I'm gonna pick up
Mrs. King. We're going shopping.

I was very proud
of you last night.

Thank you, Mom.

Even I was proud
of you for a change.

Believe it or not, I
even liked your speech.

But, honestly, do you really
think you did any good?

It did me a lot of good
just to get that off my chest.

No, no. I mean about Frankie.

Well, I heard a strong rumor that the
school board's gonna reconsider her case.

It'll take time, but who knows?

Someday I'm sure there'll be
a girl on our basketball team.

And then maybe we women can
begin to break out of our stereotypes.

The speech was last night.

Of all times for
this to happen...

The wagon has a flat. Can
you take care of it for me, Keith?

Oh, sure. I'll call Mrs.
King, tell her I'll be late.

Here's the key to the trunk.

You'll find the spare
tire and the jack

in the compartment
underneath the mat.

Are you kidding? Why me?

Well, I'm just trying to help
you break out of your stereotype.

And maybe this will help
you break out of yours.