21x05 - sh*t in the Frontier

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ I will never let you go
My pretty sweet one ♪

♪ For you're mine, love
To hold, my joy and pride ♪

[DISCORDANT NOTE]

♪ And I hope and trust
I'll never, ever meet one ♪

♪ Who will try to take you
From my loving side ♪

[DISCORDANT NOTE]
[HORSE APPROACHING]

They're coming!
The boys are coming.

Yeah, and they're riding
head-bent-for-leather.

[HOOFBEATS]

[DISCORDANT NOTE PLAYED
ON GUITAR]

Whoa.

[BONES CREAKING]

[ALL GROANING]

Larry!
Shemp!

Moe!
Ella!

Bella!
Stella!

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Gosh, we sure missed you.

Yeah. So we got everything
ready for the wedding.

From now on, we're gonna be
at your sides forever.

That's a powerful thought...

You know,
you all is just right...

[STRUMMING]

♪ You're the flame
Within my heart ♪

♪ That keeps a-burnin'... ♪

Hold hands, everyone.

♪ ...I'll answer to the call ♪

[DISCORDANT NOTE ON GUITAR]

Now, repeat after me:
"With this ring I do thee wed."

With this ring I do thee wed.

With this ring I do thee wed.

With this ring I do thee wed.

Oh, with this ring...
Oh, pardon me.

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

[ALL LAUGH AND SHOUT]

[LAUGHING]

[CACKLES]

[SPITS]

Oh!

Oh!

Mm!

Honey.

Why don't you throw that
to Mandy?

I'm sorry.

Mandy, catch!

[GLASSES SHATTERING]

[LAUGHS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

I hope you'll excuse me,

but I've gotta catch
the train in half an hour.

Much luck to all of you.
Sorry I've gotta leave.

Well, when you gotta leave,
you gotta leave.

Gosh, with the sheriff
out of town,

there's gonna be trouble.
Yeah.

While you were gone,
the Noonan brothers

forced their attentions on us.

They said if we married you,
they'd sh**t you on sight.

On sight?
We'll leave town right now,

then we'll be out of sight.

[GIBBERING]

So you'd turn tail and run
instead of fight for us.

You cowards.

Aw, wait a minute.
We can explain.

We're leaving you, chicken.

STOOGES:
Oh!

Hm!

You heard what they said.

Sheriff will be leaving town
in a half-hour,

and the Noonan boys'll be
a-gunnin' for you.

Say, I'll go over
and order you some coffins.

STOOGES:
Oh, thanks.

Coffins!

How do you like that?

If we leave, we lose our wives.

If we stay, we're as good
as dead in a half-hour.

Dead in a half-hour?

[SOBS]

Say, we gotta have
more time to think.

[SNAPS FINGERS]
Wait, I'll fix that.

Listen, we're all nervous.
Let's have a beer.

Maybe it'll relax us.
All right.

That'll give us time to think.

Oh, stubborn, eh?

[BELLS RINGING, CUCKOO TWEETING]

Here's how.
I know how.

All the luck in the world...

Ooh!

Oh, oh.

I'm sorry, fellas.

Why, you...
No, wait a minute, look.

We're doomed.

[SOBBING]
We're doomed, we're doomed.

I'm nervous.
I gotta have a drink.

Me too.
Me three.

Phew, oh, boy.

I can't drink this stuff
straight.

Here, you take it.

[COUGHS]

You stoop.
Oh...

[GULPING]

[FIRECRACKERS POPPING]

[GULPS]

[PANTING]

Boy, that's liquid dynamite.

What is that?

Come on, fellas.
Let's get out of town.

Yeah.

Hey, this town is sure deserted.
I wonder why?

Because of the sh**ting.

Hey, look.

[♪♪♪]

They're coming.

I'm going.

Don't be a coward.
Oh, well, I...

[♪♪♪]

Drill them on sight.

Out of my way.

I'm going in through that door.

Wait a minute.
There's no door there.

Well, I'll make
a door on my own.

Stoop.

Oh!

What do you think you're doing?

Taking my coat off
so I can run faster.

Good idea.
Ooh!

Listen, if we're gonna
take our coats off,

let's do it all together.
Ready? Go.

[LARRY AND SHEMP GRUNT]
Get out of here.

Come here.

We'll sneak out to the street
and watch them go by.

Then we can run for it.
Right.

But be very quiet.
Be very quiet.

Okay.

LARRY:
Hey, watch the rear...

[CAT SQUEALS]
[SCREAMING]

[♪♪♪]

They must be behind us.
Let's go that way.

Come on.

[♪♪♪]

I don't see them anyplace.
Shh.

They must have got scared
and run away.

If you think they're scared,
tell my knees to quit shaking.

Well, if you're gonna
be a coward, okay.

As for me, I'm a-stayin'
and I'm a-fightin'.

Yes, sir! I'm a-fightin'
to your last breath.

Right in your face.
Me too.

Oh, Moe, now. Moe.

[♪♪♪]

STOOGES:
Hi, Noonan.

[SCREAMING]

[BARKS]

[g*nshots]

Over here.

[g*nshots]

[GASPS]

[READING]

[LAUGHS]

Hey, Moe, look at your stone.

[READING]

[LAUGHS]

That's a hot one.

MOE:
Larry, what's it say on yours?

[READING]

[LAUGHS]

[BIRD SINGING]

Why, you varmints.

[g*nsh*t]

[g*nshots]

[g*nsh*t]

[LAUGHS]

[g*nsh*t]

Ah!

Oh, they got me!

Oh...

Why, you...

[g*ns CLICKING]

Hey, we're out of b*ll*ts.

What are we gonna do now?

We're sunk.

If I only had a slingshot.

Hey, Larry, come here.

Get over to the general store

and see if you can find
some more amm*nit*on.

Keep me covered.
Go ahead.

[g*nsh*t]

[g*nshots]
Ow! Ah!

[g*nf*re]
[WHIMPERING]

Ready, kid?
Right, right, right.

[g*nshots]
Range: across the street.

Elevation: feet.
Weight: pounds

[g*nsh*t]

Weather clear, track fast.
They're off!

Give.

Ah, good one.

I fixed you.

All right, ready, aim.

Now this time
right between the eyes.

Ouch! Oh, oh, oh!

Give.

[g*nsh*t]
Ouch!

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

[DISTANT g*nshots]

Oh, boy, a g*n.

And shells!
Am I lucky.

[CHUCKLES]

[DISTANT g*nshots]
Oh...

Oh, gee, it's stuck.

Ah, excellent.

[DISTANT g*nshots]

[g*nshots]

Let me at him. I'll blast him
out of this world.

Give it to him. Now!

[g*n CLICKS]

All right, give it to him.

[g*n CLICKS]

They're f*ring back at us.

[RACKS g*n]

I better get him now.
It's our last b*llet.

All right.
Blast him.

[g*n CLICKS]

I could use it as a club.

That guy must have cat in him.
He's got nine lives.

Wait a minute, Noonan.
We're out of amm*nit*on.

Come out and fight like a man
with your bare fists.

Why, you...

I'll tear you limb from limb.

Wait a minute.

You take him first, k*ller.
Why, certainly.

Why, I got you coming.

I'll chop you
into little mincemeat,

that's what I'll do
to you. Yes, sir.

Why, I got you prowling.
I got you prowling.

Why...

Larry, ram him in the belly
with your head.

Right.
Come on.

[METAL THUMP]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

MOE: I'll get you.
NOONAN: No, you won't.

[BOTH GRUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

I'll get you.
Oh, no, you won't.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[BOTH GRUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

[PUNCHES LANDING]
MOE: Shemp, Larry! Larry, Shemp!

Hurry up!

Come on, Shemp.

Let him have it.
I got him.

MOE:
Okay, Shemp!

Oh, I'll get him this time.

Oh!
I did it.

It's Moe.
That'll fix you.

[SCREAMING]

Get him up there.
Come on, kid.

Where's the horse
that kicked me?

Leave it alone.
You're all right now.

Larry!
Moe!

Shemp!

Ella!
Bella!

Stella!
Ah-ah!

[LAUGHING]

Oh, darling, thank goodness
you're not hurt.

We would never leave you.

We just didn't want you
to disgrace yourselves.

♪ For you're mine, love
To hold, my joy and pride ♪

[DISCORDANT NOTE]

♪ And I hope and trust
I'll never, ever meet one ♪

Why you diddly, dag-blamed...

♪ You're the flame
Within my heart ♪

♪ That keeps a-burnin' ♪

♪ But when duty-bound ♪

♪ I'll answer to the call ♪

[HIGH-PITCHED DISCORDANT NOTES]

♪ So don't stray away
Because for you I'm yearnin' ♪

♪ I'm just asking you
To stick around, that's all ♪

[DISCORDANT NOTES]

Mm!

Give me a kiss, baby.

[GIBBERING]

[♪♪♪]