20x04 - Tricky Dicks

[bunniefuu]

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[PHONE RINGING]

That phone.

Detective Bureau,
Sergeant Moe speaking.

Yes, Collins.

You say you don't know
what to do about a woman

being annoyed by a man with a
wooden leg by the name of Smith.

Well, find out the name
of his other leg.

I have to do everything
around here.

You know, my sister was engaged
to a guy with a wooden leg.

Yeah, what happened?
She broke it off.

The engagement?
No, the leg.

Oh.

Charming sister.

Hiya, fellas.

Hi, Shemp.
What do you got there?

A dip.

How dare you look
like somebody I hate.

Go on, sit right down here.

What's the name?
Chick.

First name.
Slick.

Oh, Slick Chick. Born?

I think so.

Where were you born?

In bed.

I wanted to be near my mother.

Listen, toots,

you're accused
of picking pockets.

Now, don't get excited,
handsome.

Oh, gee, thanks.

You are handsome, you know.

Oh, you just said that.

No, I didn't.
Well, somebody just said it.

You know, it's ridiculous you're
accusing me of picking pockets.

Look into my eyes.

You know, baby, you've got
the most beautiful eyes

I've ever seen in my life.

You know, I wouldn't take
anything from anybody.

Please, tell me that
you believe me innocent.

Please, say that you do.

I believe you, baby,
I believe you.

Oh, thanks.
Got a match?

Certainly. Here.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh! A mouse!
A mouse!

A mouse! A mouse!

Shoo! Shoo!
Git! Git!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

It's all right. He's...

Oh, one of those wise dames, eh?

Thought you'd get away with it.

Come on, get it up, get it up.

Give me back my matches.

Scram.

That's how I got 'em.

Uh, deal me in,
fellas, will you?

LARRY:
Oh, I had a good hand.

Hey, you guys.

Get me the files on the
Ambrose Rose m*rder case.

Okay, Chief.

Hey, you.
Get that file.

Get it yourself.
Go on.

Ohh.

Ohh!
Step aside, nitwit.

I'll show you how to do this.

Ow! Oh, oh, oh!

A fine time to play hopscotch.

I have to do everything
around here.

Now, pay attention,
you two pickle-brains,

and learn something.

[LAUGHS]

See? You have to use
your brains.

Ooh! Ow, ow, ow, oh!

Ohh. What happened?

LARRY & SHEMP:
You used your brains.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Ow!
What happens with me?

Nothing. You...!
Ow!

Never mind the files, boys.

I didn't know it,
but I had 'em all the time.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, he had the file
all the time.

How do you like that guy?
What a dope.

How do you like him?
I don't like it.

And besides, I don't like this.

But it's a matter
of principle with me.

I'm going to shut that drawer
if it's the last thing I do.

Oh!
Ow!

Oh, oh, oh!

That's the last thing I'll do.

I'll just see it.
Three queens.

[LAUGHS]
Wait a minute.

Tens full.
Huh?

Hold it.
Four aces.

Pretty lucky, ain't I?

[LAUGHS]
Yeah.

CHIEF:
He can't do this to me!

I'll do something about it!

Why you no-goods.

Playing cards while
the whole town's in an uproar.

Listen to this!

"Slug McGurk k*ller
still at large.

"'I'll reshuffle
the Detective Bureau, '

"threatens Police Commissioner
Ronald Shrinker.'"

But if you guys think I'm going
to take the rap for this,

you're crazy.

Now, I'll give you just hours

to catch the k*ller
and get a confession,

or I'll throw all three
of you out of here.

Oh, now, take it easy, boss.
We'll find him.

Remember, just hours,
not one minute more.

[SCREAMS ANGRILY]

Larry, go down and get
that guy in cell number .

Listen, we got to do something.

Think! Think!

Use your head.
Oh.

Attaboy, kid, think it up.

Think hard.
That's it, kid.

Harder!

I got it.
What?

A terrific headache.

Do you like sugar
in your coffee?

I don't drink coffee.

Well, here's a lump
for your cocoa.

Oh!

Wait a minute, Moe.
I want to think.

[SQUEALING]

[CLICKS TONGUE]

I can't think.

Will you loosen my scalp?
Sure.

There, how's that?

I'm getting it.

[SQUEALING]

Moe, I got a thought
in the back of my head.

Okay, I'll knock it up front.

Oh! You knocked it out
entirely. But I'll get it.

[SQUEALING]

Moe, I'm gonna think.

Quiet everybody.
Genius at work.

[SNORING]

Think louder, kid.

[SNORING]

Come on.

MOE:
All right now, kid.
Think it up.

Think it up.

I, uh... I, uh, beg your pardon.

Could I see you
for a moment, please?

Can't you see we're busy?
You back here again?

I told you a thousand times
to stay out of here.

Now, get out and stay out.

Come on.

Hey, fellas.
I got Chopper.

Get him over here.
Sit down.

Now, listen, Chopper, we're not
going to waste any time on you.

The body of your friend
Slug McGurk

was found wrapped up
in newspapers.

Now, I know you can't believe

everything you see
in the newspapers

but the fact remains he's dead.

Are you guilty or not guilty?

I am the culprit who perpetrated
this heinous incident.

Stop evading the question.

Larry, b*at him with the hose.

Oh, no!
Not that!

Oh, please, please,
not that. No!

Oh!
That's enough.

I don't want you to bruise him.

Now, are you guilty
or not guilty?

Indubitably!

Oh, so you still won't talk, eh?

But gentlemen, I reiterate...

Not in here, you won't.

Nevertheless, I reiterate,
indubitably.

There!

Larry, take him away.
He refuses to sing.

Come on.
Is there no justice?

Go on.

Hiya, babe.
Wait a minute.

Stay here.

Hey, babe, you forgot something.

That's what you forgot.

Trying to get away, eh?
[WHIMPERS]

Come on.
You wise guy, eh?

[SQUEALING QUIETLY]

We got to do something!

[RINGS]

Detective bureau.
Yes, this is Sergeant Moe.

Oh, hello, dear.

Why, of course, dear.

Oh, sure. You've got nothing
to worry about.

Goodbye, sweetheart.

That was the mayor.

Oh, she's a wonderful woman.

And not bad to look at.
What are we going to do?

Oh, take it easy.
Take it easy.

You're all dry now.
[GRUNTS]

Hey, wait a minute.
We forgot the main witness.

He's down in one of the cells.

How long has he been there?
About four weeks.

Go on down and bring him up,
if he's still alive.

Go ahead.
All right.

[RINGS]

Hello. Yeah. Detective Bureau,
Sergeant Moe speaking.

Oh, wait a minute, Clancy.

Go ahead.

You say there's a dead horse
on Ticonderoga Street?

How do you spell Ticonderoga?

Oh, you don't know either.

Well, drag him over
to First Street.

I have to think of everything.

Go ahead.
Get going there.

Sit down.
What is this?

He's the Italian organ grinder,

Antonio Zucchini Salami
Gorgonzola De Pizza.

Sounds like a bad meal.

All right, Toni,
where were you on the night

of October the th?
Now, speak up, Pisan.

I say, ole chappies,
it was a beastly night,

if I remember correctly.

And I was at the home
of Mrs. Van Derrick,

the oil heiress.

I stopped there for a spot
of tea and a crumpet.

Mm-hm.

Well, what were you doing
at the time of the m*rder?

Well, we had a glass of...
m*rder!

Good gracious,
let me out of here.

I detest blood. Oh!

TONI: Oh!
[DOOR SHUTS]

That settles it.
Slowly but surely,

we'll tighten the noose
around Chopper's neck.

That's evidence.

Yeah.
Did you put it down?

No, I couldn't find a pencil.

Go on. Did you?
No.

BOTH:
Did you?

No.

Go on, fill out that report.

Mm. Oh!

Come on, you.
Get going.

[SQUEAKS]
Ow. Always picking on people.

[SQUEAKING]

Antonio Zucchini Salami...

[RINGS]

Hello. Oh, yeah, Joe. Look,

release that guy that stole
those bottles of whiskey.

I know he's guilty,

but the D.A. says we can't make
a case out of bottles.

Spot of tea at the...

Where did I put that address?

Oh, here it is.

Oh.

I'd better put oil
on that thing.

Forty...

MOE:
Hey, Shemp, come here. Hurry!

Ah, you're always call...

Ooh.

[SQUEAKING]

Oh, you did it,
you little rascal.

I'll fix you.

I'll crush your skull.
I'll mangle you.

Boy, is this knot tight.

[GROANS]

There, it's loose.

That cockeyed monkey.
I'll flatten him, believe me,

Ohh! I'm losing my mind!

[SCREAMS]

Oh, oh!

[MONKEY SQUEAKING]

I must have iron in my blood.

[SQUEAKING]

Monkey with me, will you?
I'll fix you.

[SQUEAKING, GIBBERING]

[SQUEAKING]

Oh, Moe! Moe!

I meant to hit the other monkey.

That's all right, kid.
I know you did.

Oh! You're not sore, then?
No.

Well, that's fine.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.

That was a mighty swipe,
wasn't it?

Why you...
I fooled you, didn't I?

Yeah.
OH! Oh!

Let go! Oh!

SHEMP:
Don't spin me, Moe,
don't spin me. Oh.

Hey, sarge,
Chopper wants to confess.

Come on, sit him down here.

Write down my confession,
please.

Start talkin'.

I... Wait a minute.

Take it down in shorthand.

Right.

I, Gilbraith Q.
Tiddlewadder,

herewith confess
that I did willfully k*ll

one Slug McGurk.
Just a moment.

I k*lled Slug McGurk,

and nobody is gonna
take away the glory from me.

I'm a "Thrill-k*ller" and I'm
gonna get the rest of you guys!

[ALL SCREAM]

[SCREAMS]

[g*nshots]

[SCREAMING]

[g*nshots]

[g*nshots]

Oh!

Ah!

What's going on here?

[SQUEALING]

Oh! Oh,
this is dangerous.

I'm getting out of here.

[g*nshots]

[SQUEAKING]

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

So you're the k*ller, eh?

Well, I'm gonna let you have it.

[SQUEAKING]

[MELODY CHIMING]

Ah!

Take it easy, kid. Here.

He got me.
Okay. Here.

Here, take a swig of this.
A little swig now.

All right,
put the cuffs on him, Larry.

Get a move on
so he won't get away.

LARRY:
I'm handcuffing him.

Come on, Larry.

LARRY:
I'm hurrying. Relax.

[GULPING]

Hmm, serves him right.

I wanted to get into the movies

and he spoiled
my publicity stunt.

Hmm!

Hey, Moe, we got them...

Hey.

Poor Shemp is dead.

[HICCUPS]

Not dead, dead drunk.

Come on, kid, get up now.

Ohh.
Take it easy.

He sh*t me.
Larry.

Quick, get a doctor.

Get an ambulance.
No, get a plumber.

Saturday night.

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