21x03 - Pals and Gals

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

Well, doc, how about it?

This man has a very bad leg.

You're tellin' me.

The vein in his right leg
is greatly enlarged.

See here:

Midway between the kneecap
and the ankle joint

there's an area
of great congestion.

This vein is the cause
of all your trouble.

I've never seen
a vein like it in my life.

It's enormous.

Well, what's the answer, doc?

I ain't going to lose
my leg am I, doc?

I've had it ever since
I was a little kid.

Oh, of course not.

Just go out West,

couple of months and you'll
be just as good as new.

Oh, thanks, doc.

The leg is as good as new.

It feels great. Hah-hah.

[GROANING]

It's all right, it's all right.
We'll get him West.

[PIANO PLAYING]

Boy, that sawbones
had the right dope.

My leg feels swell.

Good.

What's the matter
with that stuff?

Give me something with
a jolt in it. I'm tough.

Look, we're out West now,
so we've got to be tough.

Don't worry about us,
we'll be tough.

We know what to do.
Okay, boys, get Western.

sh**t you for the drinks.
Right.

[g*nsh*t]

Yeah?

sh**t you for the drink.
Throw.

You throw.

SHEMP:
Hold it.

Okay.

Here's your change.

There we go.

[GROANS]

[GASPING]

What's the matter with you guys?

What are you tryin' to...?

[SPUTTERING]

Hey, easy, easy.

Smoo-ooth as silk.

Those jaspers down there,
who are they?

I don't know, boss.

Nell, come here.

Go find out who those men are.

Doc Barker, I won't do it.

You won't do what?

You're forgettin', gal,
who I got locked up down there.

That's better.

He's all right.
Hello, boys.

What brings you to Coyote Pass?

Well, lady, it's... It's my vein.

NELL:
Your vein?

SHEMP:
Biggest vein you ever saw.

Quirt, I always knew there was
gold around these parts.

I'll show you, it's right there.

Ain't it a whopper?
It certainly is.

You see, it's just
halfway between...

It's all very interesting,
but I must go now.

I want to tell you some more
about my vein. I...

You can tell me.
I'm Doc Barker.

Well, pleased to meet you, doc.
This is right up your alley.

Did you ever see a vein
like this in all your life?

Um, I should say not.

You know something,

I could do things
with a vein like that.

You mean, operate?
That's right, partner.

We'll really go to work on it.
No small-time stuff, either.

No?
If it's near the surface,

we'll use men
with pick and shovel.

Well, that might be...
Listen, Doc...

And if the vein is any deeper,
we'll use dynamite.

Oh, no, not on my vein.

There are tinhorns
around here who say

Doc Barker ain't a big operator.

Well, they won't have
a leg left to stand on.

Neither will I.
[LAUGHS]

Oh, mister, you're a card.
You k*ll me.

[LAUGHS]

Doc, all right.

Thanks anyway, doc.

But we'll handle
the vein ourselves.

Yeah.

Come on, let's go, boys.

I saw it.

It's worth millions.

Big operator, he ain't kiddin'.

What's the matter?
What's the matter?

I've got to talk to you.
Follow me.

Go ahead, go on.

Doc Barker is a no-good crook.

He stole the Red Dog Saloon
from me and my sisters,

and he's locked them up.

Nell.
Nell.

Zell, Belle.
[ALL GASP]

[UNISON]
Well, well.

[WHOOPING]

Oh, boy, oh.

Maybe these gentlemen
will help us.

Please, get us out of here.

Doc Barker said
if Nell didn't marry him,

something terrible
was going to happen to us.

Oh, don't worry, gals.
We'll get you out of here.

But how will you get
the keys from Doc Barker?

He keeps them
in his coat pocket.

I'll get those keys.

I'll dry-gulch that Doc Barker.

That's what I'll do,
gal. I'll...

[ALL GASPING]

Hey, wait a minute.
Listen, fellas. Come here.

Hey, I got a scheme to make
Doc Barker take off his coat.

Yeah?
You get in a poker game.

Yeah.
Larry and I...

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Thanks.

Well, boys, drinks are on me.

Okay.

Where's that bartender?

Oh, he's out.

I'll fix the drinks.
Don't go away.

[CHUCKLES]

Ickeymay.

Let's ante a dollar.

Did you take care
of the bartender?
Yeah.

Good work. What do you know
about mixin' drinks?

Nothin'.
That's fine, get me a jigger.

Old Homicide.

Molasses. That ought
to sweeten 'em up.

Yeah.

Tabasco.

Open for ten.
Pass.

Beats me.

These boots are killin' me.

[CHUCKLES]

Seltzer.

Oh, eggs. that ought
to make 'em cackle.

Whew.

Hey, you put paint in there.

So I did.

What's that?

Paint remover.

MAN : Pass.
MAN : Give me three.

I'll take the same.

Three.

One.

I'll bet you .

Well, mister,
Quirt bet you bucks.

Can you call?
Darn right I can call.

Only I ain't got bucks.

Don't let that worry you.

Just give me that paper
of yours for security

and I'll advance you five grand.

You mean this?
Why, sure thing.

Start pourin'.

Easy, now.

Good.

Can you call, or can't you?

I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

I'll see you and raise you
another thousand.

Call, king-high straight.

Four aces.

Come to papa.

Give me the sarsaparilla.

This drink is for Shemp.

I've got to remember that.

Okay.

Oh, why don't you look
where I'm going?

What's the matter?

I don't know which glass
is which.

Come on, hurry up
with those drinks.

Here's to crime.
Yeah,

a short life, and a merry one.

Yeah, a very short life.

Bottoms up, doc.

Well, let's get along
with the game.

[FUSE BURNING]

[expl*si*n]

Oh! Water, water, water,
water, water...

I'll get some water.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

Get that wet coat off.
He'll catch pneumonia.

Yeah.

They're in here someplace.
Here they are.

Okay, I got 'em.

Quick.

Are...? Are you all right,
boss?

Yes, I'm all right.

[ALL GROAN]
Get a chair there.

I have the keys.

The buggy's waiting.
Drive to the house.

I'll be there soon.

Quick.

Why, he's dead.

Well, he must have had
heart failure.

Yeah, he's dead

and I'm taking over.

Now, if any of you boys object,

you can step right
outside here and we'll...

[CHATTERING]

Giddy up, boy.

Why, the gals got out
of the basement.

Now, if Doc had those keys
in his pocket,

then I don't see how they...

See if we can find
something else.

Nothin' in there.

[WHISTLES]
Uh-huh.

[ALL WHISTLING]

[MUTTERS]

Now, wait a minute...

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[BOTH GROANING]

Ah, good.

Well, we got you anyway.

And we'll take care
of your pals later.

Let's take him down to
the basement and lock him up.

And we'll get a new lock.

Get goin'.

After you, gentlemen.

Oh, all right.

Suckers.

The window.

Wait a minute,
I was coming back, fellas.

I was only kiddin'.

Moe! They got me,
they got me.

[WHIMPERS]

I'm going to get a cheap lawyer.

There, that'll hold you.

Okay, boys, we'll sh**t him
at sundown.

Hey, Moe, they're gonna
sh**t me at sundown.

Relax, kid,
you're practically free.

I better get upstairs
and keep an eye on them.

Okay, toots.

Oh...

Shh, quiet, quiet.

Shh.

Come on, help me, will you?

[GROANS]

[CLANKING]

Dave, play something,
I feel like singing.

[PLAYS PIANO]

♪ 'Tis the last ♪
She'll be a pretty bride.

♪ Rose ♪

♪ Of summer ♪

Ouch!

Hold your ear.

What's that, a cross cut?

How do you like that?

Let's get busy here.

Hurry.

Hold that bar.

Ouch.

♪ Rosebud is nigh ♪

Give me that hammer and chisel.

All right, here.

That's it.

[SINGING CONTINUES]

[GROANING]
You're k*lling me.

Oh, I'm pullin'.

So am I.

I'm off balance.

[ALL GROANING]

You had your g*n caught
in my belt.

I didn't know that.
Hey, let's disguise,

then we can get out of here
without being recognized.

Nice work, kid.

Come on, get an armful
of clothes.

[SHUDDERS]

What happened?

Something going
on downstairs, boys.

Come on.

I'm from the South... Shh.

We got to get out
of here quietly. Come on.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, did you see
a fella come out of there?

ALL:
Yeah, he went thataway...

Come on, fellas.

Come on, let's get the horses.

A gorilla.

Where are we, in Africa?

Get out of here.
Get out of here.

[MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Hey, take it easy, will you?

[GROANS]

What happened?

What's the idea of pulling
me off the horse?

Hey, Moe. Larry.
Come here.

Now, listen, our...

Here they come again.
Into the wagon, quick.

Come on, hurry up.
Out of the way.

Boy, if we only had our g*ns.

Or some hamburger.

Hey, I found a box of b*ll*ts.

Well, give.

Get it in there.

Hey, that got 'em.
Look at 'em go.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Oh, here we are at last.

I thought we'd never make it.
Boy, I hope they're here.

Hey, look who's here.

SHEMP:
Oh, boy.

Howdy, girls.

Glad to see you all again.

NELL:
I don't know how we'll
thank you for what you've done.

Oh, shucks.
[g*nf*re]

[ALL SHOUTING]

STOOGES:
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

[ALL SIGH]

[SQUEALING]

[♪♪♪]