14x01 - Half-Wits Holiday (1947)

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

I say environment.

Heredity.

Heredity is the very foundation
of social distinction.

Environment.
Heredity.

Your theory,
my dear Professor Sedletz,

is completely illogical,

preponderantly impracticable,

and moreover it stinks.

Tut-tut.
Poof-poof.

To say nothing of piffle.

I'll wager you $
that my theory is correct.

Poo-poo and hubba-hubba.

I'll accept that bet.

And I'll take a man
from the lowest strata of life,

and in two months,
through environment,

make him a gentleman.

[LAUGHS]

Come on. Oh, excuse me,
sir. The plumbers.

Come on.

This is it.

You men connected

this gas log
backwards yesterday.

Now, please fix it properly.

Don't worry.

We always fix it right
the second time.

All right, boys,
let's get busy.

[CRASHING]
Oh, oh, oh.

[THUD, POP]
[THUD, POP]

The world speaks
of one missing link,

but I swear there are three.

We'll cut that
with a chisel.

I'll hold the chisel,
you hammer away.

Larry, you guide him.
Okay.

Get it right, now.

All right.
Square off.

Easy now.
Little to the left.

To the left.
Okay.

[CLANK]
[CRUNCH]

Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Why, you...

[CLANG]
[WHIMPERING]

[SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]

[CLANG]
Oh!

MOE:
Little to the left, huh?

There are your guinea pigs,
professor.

If you can make gentlemen
out of them,

you'll go down in posterity

as having proved
the Darwin theory.

Quite so,
Professor Sedletz.

I'll show you how
an expert does it, lunkhead.

I'll do the pitching,
you do the catching, Larry.

Come on.
Let us interview them.

[THUD]
Oh.

I'm sorry, bub.
But you should have honked

your horn
before you approached.

Oh, I'm all right.

You with
the mattress head.

Now, if I gave you
a dollar,

and your father
gave you a dollar,

how many dollars would you have?
One dollar.

You don't know
your arithmetic.

You don't know my father.

How would you boys
like to make $ ?

Who do you have to m*rder?

Oh, nothing like that.

All you have to do
is let me make gentlemen of you.

No, no.
Not that.

Our father
would never forgive us.

There ain't been a gentleman

in our family
for generations.

Quit braggin'.

Okay. For $ ,
we'll even become gentlemen.

Then it's settled.
Please sit down.

It's a good thing
Kilroy wasn't here.

Yeah, we'd be disgraced
for life.

Now, please cross
your knees.

May I borrow this?

[CLANK]

[CLANK]

Remarkable,
my dear Sedletz.

Inconceivable,
my dear Quackenbush.

[CLANK]

[THUD]

[CLANG]

[THUD]
Oh...

[GROANS]

[CLANG]

There is definite evidence
of vacancy of the cranium.

Gee, thanks.

You made the bet,
you are stuck with them.

I'll be back to collect
my money in days.

No, no. I'll win.

What? With these morons?

Yeah, but we're organized.

Amalgamated Association
of Morons.

Local
and seven-eighths.

[UNISON]
We are morons, tried and true,

and we'll do our yell for you.

[ALL BABBLING INDISTINCTLY]

LARRY:
Well, here we are,
professor.

MOE:
Rarin' to go.

Oh, that's fine, boys.

Uh, by the way,
my daughter Lulu

arrived from college
this morning

to help me
with your education.

She's preparing
a little lunch for us.

Now, I'm sure that--
Here I am, Daddy.

Gentlemen,
this is my daughter Lulu.

What a Lulu.

[WHISTLES]

[HOWLS]

[ASH HISSES]

[CHOKING]

Listen, you--
Boys, boys,

no more nonsense.
Yes, sir.

Now, gentlemen,
the first lesson in etiquette

will be table manners.

You must always observe
the rules of etiquette.

Beg pardon.
Luncheon is served.

Whoo-whoo-whoo.
[THUD]

You know, babe,

you and I can make
beautiful music together.

I-- Oh!

[GROANS]
Come on.

[GRUMBLES]

Now, first,
you unfold your napkins

and place it in
your laps like this:

Hey. In your lap.

Now, boys,
watch Lulu carefully,

and whatever she does
at this table, you must do.

Yes, sir.

Pardon me.
I'll be right back.

You know, babe,

you sure are
the hubba-hubba kid.

Hubba-hubba.
Wa-hoo.

MOE:
You're right, boy.

Toots, I'd love to cover you
with furs and automobiles.

LULU:
Well, thank you.

MOE:
Only the best furs:

mink, skunk, porcupine.

Only the best for you.

[CHUCKLES]
You're a lovely.

And then I can
picture you and I

walking down Fifth Avenue.

You covered
with those gorgeous furs.

What's the idea, flattop?

The professor said
do everything she does.

Why, I ought to
tear your tonsils out.

Shut up.
Ah...

Mm.

Now, as I was saying--

Honey, you're the apple
of my eye.

You're the cranberry sauce
of my turkey.

Say the word,
and you and I will fly

around the world forever
or even longer.

[TWANG]
Ow. Oh.

All right.

Now, we will resume
the lessons.

You may start serving,
Sapington.

Yes, sir.

Some olives or celery,
Miss Lulu?

Thank you, Sapington.

Some celery, sir?

Thank you.

I just love celery.

[CRUNCHING]

[SOUND OF OLIVES
SPLASHING IN STOMACH]

Hey, pig. What do you want
to eat all those olives for?

I like 'em.

[THUD]
[COUGHS]

Water.

[SOUND OF WATER POURING]

[SIGHS]

I almost choked
on those olive pits.

I ought to choke you.
[HONK]

This make-believe eating stuff
may be all right for you,

but my stomach don't think so.

Pipe down.

[CRUNCH]
Aah...

Soup, Miss Lulu?

[SIZZLING]
Ooh!

What's the matter with you?

The soup's too hot.

Nyah-ah-ah.

What's the matter with you?

There's a hair in my soup.

You're crazy.
That's a cr*ck in your plate.

I never saw a cr*ck
go that way.

Well, that's neither hair
nor there. Go ahead.

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

[SLURPING]

I love noodles.

[SLURPING]
[SIPPING]

Boys. Boys.

Pardon me.
What are we eating now?

Why, lamb chops.

Yummy, yummy.

They sure look invitin'.

Boy, I wish I had

some Worcester-cester-
sheer-sheer-shire sauce.

I can't say Worcestershire.

Hey, what's the idea
of eating with your Kn*fe?

I always eat my peas
with my Kn*fe.

You dummy. You never eat
peas with a Kn*fe.

No?
No.

You mix 'em
with the mashed potatoes.

Then you eat 'em
with a spoon.

Oh, thanks.
Yeah.

Oh.

What's the matter with you now?

My lamb chop
lost his pants.

Well, dress him
and eat him.

All right. We'll now start
our first reading lesson.

Turn to page one.
Read, Moe.

"Tar yittridy eath say.

"Glug, zap,
snorgtlats, ramits,

ramasance, teberits--"

Oh. "See the cat.

"Does the mouse see
the cat?

Yes. The dirty rat."

Don't get personal.
Aah.

Here, here.
Read page four.

"Oh, see the little deer.

Has the deer a little doe?"

Yeah, two bucks.

[LAUGHS]
Oh.

No more levity.
Read, Larry.

"Oh, see the pretty cat.

Does the pretty cat
have chickens?"

QUAKENBUSH:
That's kittens.

A cat does not have chickens.

Oh, no?

Well, I had a cat,
and it got in the chicken house,

and that cat had chickens.

[STOOGES LAUGH]

[RIPS]
[GROANS]

I don't know why
I ever took this onto myself.

No, thank you, Sapington.

WOMAN:
I'm allergic to pastry.

Now, gentlemen,
try and remember

everything that you
have been taught.

And if your debut into society
tonight is successful,

the money is yours.

Professor Quackenbush,
have no qualms or trepidations.

We will justify your faith
in us indubitably, sir.

Professor, the vicissitudes
we've encountered

have elevated us
to a lofty position.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Come. I'll introduce you.

Good evening.
Good evening.

May I introduce
my three proteges?

Mrs. Gotrocks.

Delighted.

Devastated.

Dilapidated.

And the Countess
Shplitsvosser.

Enchanted.

Enraptured.

Embalmed.

Oh, pardon us.

Quaint aren't they,
but cute.

I hope you have
your checkbook with you.

It's a miracle.

But the evening is still young.

Good evening,
Miss Lulu.

My, but you
look charming.

Oh, thank you, boys.
You look charming too.

[GIGGLES]

Oh, by the way, may I present
Mrs. Smythe-Smythe.

Oh, very, very,
happy, happy.

Oh.

"Shampagney."

You know, this is our first
entree into society,

and we find it very delightful.

So different
from our first party

at the reform school.

Oh, uh, Curlington.

Yesington?

May I present
Mrs. Smythe-Smythe?

You certainly may.

Hiya.

I'm charmed.

I kiss your hand, madam.

[CRUNCH]
SMYTHE-SMYTHE: Isn't he gallant?

Would you
please excuse us?

Certainly.

Come on. Come on.
Where's that diamond?

In my safe deposit box.

Give it back.

I lost the combination.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck,
nyuck, nyuck.

[POP]

Well, what do you know?

[LAUGHS]

Dummy.
I hope nobody saw us.

Pff...

Nyah-uh-uh...
You stupid...

Now, I gotta get something
to cover this silverware.

Oh.

You fool.

Boys, I've been
looking for you.

Come along.
Yes, sir.

This is a most
interesting experiment.

I'm very anxious
to talk to those boys.

LULU:
Well, they're here.

I know they'll be very happy
to speak with you,

Mrs. Smythe-Smythe.

You petty larceny stooge.

What are you trying to do,
ruin us?

Give me that pie.

Now, get over there and sit down
before I crown you. Go on.

LULU:
And you know, my dear,
when they first arrived,

they were absolutely uncouth.

But now they're the epitome
of refinement.

There's one of them now.

Excuse me, dear.

My dear young man.
Do tell me about yourself.

Well, you see, uh--
Well, that is, uh--

You'll pardon me.
If you don't tell me

all about this metamorphosis,

I shall always feel
that I've missed something.

Lady, if you don't leave
right now,

you're not gonna
miss anything.

Young man, what's wrong?

You act as though
the sword of the Damocles

is hanging over your head.

Lady, you must be psychic.

Wonder what's wrong
with that young man.

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Oh!
[GASPS]

You feather-brained imbecile.

Are you trying to ruin us too?

[GUESTS CHATTERING]

You know
you're a little bit too bossy.

[CRUNCH]
Aah...

I'm too bossy, huh?

Wise guy.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

You forgot to duck.

So did you.

Oh.

MOE:
Why, I never heard
of such a thing.

No, wait. Wait.
Let's call a truce.

Come on, now.
Come on. You started this.

Your drink, madam.

Pardon me, madam.

Stop it.
Stop it this minute.

You disgraceful vagabonds.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Who do you think
you're talking to?

You want to play rough,
do you?

Well.

Wait a minute, lady.
Take it easy.

My dear councilman--

[GASPS]

Wait a minute.
Oh...

Well, that was easy money.
[GUESTS SHOUTING]

[LAUGHS]

Here's your check back.

And believe me,
I've learned

that you can't make a silk purse
out of a sow's ear.

Yes, professor,
and I've learned something too.

What's that?

This:
Ooh...

A wise guy, eh?

How do you like that?

[LAUGHS]

Why, you...

Oh.

[♪]