14x05 - Brideless Groom

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING,
WOMAN SINGING]

Now, you see,
Miss Dinkelmeyer.

That's the way
it should be sung.

Shall we try it again?

I'll try anything for you,
professor.

That's fine, fine.

If you please, doctor.

Doctor.

Doctor.

Ooh!
Play.

[PLAYS PIANO]
[HUMMING]

[SHRILL]
♪ Ah... ♪

♪ I hear the voice
Of spring in you ♪

♪ Ah ♪

[SHRIEKS]

♪ The birds return
To skies of blue ♪

♪ Ah ♪

[SHRIEKS]

No, no.

You are too fortissimo,
too allegro, too quantro.

Oh, is that bad?
It ain't good.

You're supposed to be singing
about the voices of spring,

not the eruption of a volcano.

Give with the throat,
not with the bellows.

Oh. Oh, professor,
you want it more like a bird.

That's it. That's it.
Give me the bird.

[SNORES]

[MASHES KEYS]
Oh! Oh.

Look.

Ahh.

Play.

[PLAYS PIANO]

♪ Ah, ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪

[PLAYS FLOURISH]

♪ Ah ♪

[REPEATS MELODY]

[HIGHER]
♪ Ah ♪

[REPEATS MELODY]

[ASCENDING]
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! ♪

[REPEATS MELODY]

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! ♪

[SHRILL]
♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

[SHRIEKING]

Enough. Enough.
That's enough. That's enough.

We've done enough for today.

You might hurt your voice.

You know, bend it, cr*ck it,
or break it or something.

Oh, professor,
you're so considerate.

[GIGGLES]
I'm just crazy about you.

Don't forget, we've got
another lesson Tuesday.

Gargle with old razor blades.

All right, professor.

I know you wouldn't want
anything to happen to my throat.

Except to have somebody
cut it.

How would you like to be married
to a dame like that?

Don't even say that.

[THUD]
Ooh! I oughta--

You oughta what?

I oughta
be a little more careful.

Well, shut up and listen. Do you
remember your Uncle Caleb?

Do I?
Why, that old tightwad.

He'd steal flies
from a blind spider.

But Shemp, he's--
He's a louse and a weasel.

Yeah, well he just d*ed
and left you , bucks.

Just like that old skinflint.

[SPUTTERS]

Five hundred thousand
bucks.

[WHINES]

Poor old Uncle Caleb.

Like I was saying,
he was a swell guy.

Give you the shirt off his back
and throw in the buttons too.

But there's one
little catch.

You get the dough
provided you're married.

So--
[GASPS]

Married.
No, no, fellas.

I'm gonna faint.

Oh...

Or...
Or what?

If you get married
within hours

of the reading of the will.

What time was that?

Six o'clock,
the night before last.

You just got seven hours
to get yourself a bride.

It can't be done.
No woman is interested in me.

Maybe not, pal,
but if you look real hard,

you might find one
that's interested

in a half a million bucks.

Maybe you've got something.
You're darn right he has.

Do you know any girls?
I got a lot of numbers,

but I haven't had much luck.

Well, you can't get
k*lled for trying.

Where's the phone?
Down the hall.

What are we waiting for?
Come on.

LARRY:
Down the hall.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh!

Oh.
Here, here's six nickels.

That makes . You oughta hit
the jackpot with one of 'em.

Go ahead.

Give me Susquehanna
two-two-two-two.

Say, he's been in there
over an hour.

What are you getting
nervous about?

When Shemp pours on the charm,
no dame can resist him.

I hope you're right.

Hello. Is this Ginger Gray?
It is?

Well, this is
your little snookums.

I'm about to do you
a big favor, heh-heh.

Will you marry me?

Oh. Oh.

[GROANING]

Hey. Any luck?

I've got one phone number
and one nickel left.

Well, start usin' it.

You clumsy ox, you.
Where'd that go?

It went down here
someplace.

Let's find it.

I think it went over
that side.

Look out.
Get off of me here.

All right.

Here, take this receiver.

I got it, I got it.

Oh!

All right, just take the--

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Here, now, wait a minute.

Get this outta my hair here.

All right, all right.

MOE:
Easy, easy, easy.

Get off your foot.

Look at--
Look at what I got here.

What's that?
I don't know.

Wait a minute,
it leads around under my arm,

then up here around the neck.

Get you hand off of me here!

SHEMP:
Oh, all right, all right.

MOE:
Easy. Easy.
Wait a minute.

The line. Here we go.
Easy, easy. All right.

Now, wait a minute.
Can you dial from there?

No, can you?
Yeah.

[SOUND OF PHONE DIALING]
Oh. Oh.

[CRUNCHING]

If I come around
like this way

and get up in this one.

How's that?
Well, it don't feel as good

as when I did this.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

Wait, now. Take it easy.
Now, look.

We ain't getting
no place fast.

Let's get at this thing right
the right way.

Let me get this off.

SHEMP:
All right, wait a minute.
All right.

I can't stand it any longer.
It started with the book.

Moe. Where's you hat?

[LOUD BANG]

How ya doin'?

Get your hand
outta my face.

That ain't my hand,
that's your hand.

Well, all right,
you asked for it.

[CRUNCH]
Ow!

MOE: Wait, wait.
SHEMP: Oh.

Say, miss, would you like
to get married?

What?
Get married.

Well, I don't know.

But you are kinda cute
at that.

Oh, it's not me.
It's him.

[SCREAMS]

We gotta get outta this.
All right.

There isn't much time left.
You know that, don't you?

What happened?

That's what I wanna know.

Wait a minute.

[ALL WHISTLE]

Did you get a load of that?

What a dish.
I wonder who she is.

We'll soon find out.

Oh, boy.
Yes.

Who's the new dame?
A Miss Hopkins.

Miss Hopkins.
Did you hear that, kid?

And good-looking too.
Go get her, Shemp.

[SQUEALS]

Oh.
Wait a minute.

You can't propose to a girl
looking like that.

We gotta give you
the works. Come on.

Go on.

Stand still, will ya?
We gotta get going.

It's : now.

Yeah? And if you don't
marry that girl by : ,

we're outta the money.

I said stand still.

[BOING]

Oh. Oh, Moe.
Moe, I'm blind.

You burnt my eye out.
Get a towel, Moe. Get a towel.

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Oh, oh.

Hey, where are the towels?

SHEMP:
In the bottom drawer.

I got it.

[LAUGHING]

You sure look funny
with a Buster Brown collar.

Hold that.
Oh.

You do too.

Where are ya?

Here.

Say, I forgot to tell you.

When the afternoon papers
come out,

you're gonna be famous.
How come?

I gave the story
to the reporters. Yes, sir.

"Shemp Howard to inherit
a half a million bucks."

Let's get going, kid.

[SCRAPING]

I'm telling you
to hold still, now.

I'm warning you.
Oh, excuse me.

[HISSES]
Ah.

MOE:
Hold still.

[SCRAPING]

Oh.

Oh, almost had seven years
of hard luck. Heh.

Oh.

How do you like that?

[SCRAPING]
I said stand still.

[BOING]
Oh. Oh. Ooh.

Hey, I cut of my head.
I cut off my head.

Moe, my head is off.
Moe. My head is off.

[SOBS]
My head is off.

Oh, there I am
and as pretty as a picture.

MOE:
Yeah, of an ape.
Now, get going.

This means, uh,
half a million dollars.

SHEMP:
I know what it means.

Here you are.

Boy, am I tired.

Where do I throw this water?

[HISSES]
Ahh!

Oh.

You look good. You look great,
kid. You're a cinch.

Go to it.
[GASPS]

Come on, come on.

Hello.
Oh, hello.

[SPUTTERS]

Come in.

Cousin Basil, oh.

I'm so happy to see you.
I-I--

I've just been dying
to meet you.

I--

And you're even cuter
than Aunt Sadie said you were.

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah,
mwah, mwah.

Oh, boy. Success.

Yeah, listen
to those kisses.

Cut it out.

Oh, you must be exhausted
after your long trip.

Sit down.

Let me look at you,
Cousin Basil. Oh.

[PHONE RINGS]

Now, don't you go away.

Hello?

Yes, this is Miss Hopkins.

You're Cousin Basil?

Well, then who is--?
I was just--

How dare you pretend
to be my Cousin Basil?

I'll teach you
a thing or two. You wolf.

[BONK]
Oh.

Don't you dare strike me.
Who--?

Taking advantage of a poor,
weak, helpless woman.

Boy, his kisses
are getting' louder.

You, you,
you horrible person, you.

Get up.

What happened, kid?

Can I help it
if I ain't Cousin Basil?

Oh, professor.
Are you all right?

Oh, I'm fine.

All I wanted to do
was propose, but--

Propose? Oh, professor,
this is so sudden.

You mean,
you'll really marry him?

Oh, of course.

He's my little old dream boat.

Your little dream boat
is sailing.

[IMITATES HORN]
Wait a minute.

You're gonna sail away
from a half a million bucks?

We only got two hours left.
Come on. Get goin'.

[SHEMP MUTTERING]

Come right in, folks.

[ALL CHATTING INDISTINCTLY]

Yes, indeed.

Here's the license. My pal wants
to get married in a rush.

Oh, splendid.
[PHONE RINGS]

Oh, excuse me.

Hello?

Who?
Mr. Howard?

Yes, he's here.

Hello. Yes? What?

How many of them? Wow.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, thanks.

That was the clerk
at the apartment.

Those dames you phoned
this morning

found out about the grand
in the papers.

Come on, pal.
We gotta make this fast.

Have you got the ring?

Why, certainly.
Certainly, I got it. Oop.

[PIANO CHIMES]

It went in the piano.

Get it.

You see anything?
Yeah, wires.

[MASHES STRINGS]
Listen, you.

What?

You know, I think
the piano's out of tune.

Go on.
[MASHES STRINGS]

I think I see it.

Ah! Oh!

Look out.
Get up out of there.

Help. Get me outta here.
My face. Oh.

You wanna spoil my looks?

Impossible.

Never mind your face
and get that ring.

It's a quarter of .

[SCRAPING]

Oh!

Oh, I'm awful sorry.

So am I. Get outta here.

Oh, whoa, whoa. Oh, oh.
Get me out--

Quit playing around in there
and get that ring.

Oh, oh.
[PIANO RUMBLES]

Oh. Get me outta here.
Get me outta here.

That dummy.
All right.

[WIRES CREAKING]

Oh, oh.

He's all tangled up
with wires.

We'll back him up
and we'll break him out.

All right, easy.
[WIRES CREAKING]

Oh, my poor piano.

Shut up.

Hey. Sit him down.
We'll get a new grip.

Easy, now. Wait.
Get this stuff off.

Oh, oh, oh.

You get into messes
every time here.

Give me your arm.

Well, a few minutes left
and no ring, no nothing.

Wait a minute, fellas.

Here's the ring.

How do you like that?
Get up.

Okay, partner.
We're ready for the kickoff.

Uh, join hands,
you lovebirds.

[GIRLS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

There he is.

WOMAN:
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Who is this character?

CLERK:
She's the bride.

Oh, yeah? Not while
I got my strength.

Tell the truth,
didn't you propose to me?

Yes, but I'm with--
Didn't you?

Yes, but you turned me down.

That was before
I read the papers.

Now I accept.

Okay, toots.
Let her rip.

Oh, no.
He proposed to me too.

[ALL SHOUTING]

Look at that.
We better do somethin' fast.

Yeah.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What's going on here? Oh!

[MOE GROANING AND SHOUTING]

Ladies! Ladies! Ow!

WOMAN:
Stop it, you big bully.

[ALL SHOUTING AND SCREAMING]

[RIPPING]

Oh!

Oh, justice please.
Please.

Yes. Yes, indeed.
Hurry up.

Hold hands, you lovebirds.

[BIRD TWEETING]

[GIRLS CONTINUE SHOUTING]

Oh, my goodness. Oh.

[GROANING]

Ooh! Ooh, ooh.

Uh...
Wait a minute.

You wouldn't
hit a lady with that.

Use this, it's bigger.

Oh, thanks.

[SCREAMS]

Oh!

[BONK]

[CRUNCHING]
Will you marry me?

Never.

No! Oh!

[SCREAMS]

[BONK]
Oh.

What happened?
[BONK]

[SQUEAKING]

[SHOUTING CONTINUES]

[BABBLING]

Oh, oh, oh, oh, ahh!
Ooh-hoo-hoo!

I'm gettin' a headache.

I'll fix your headache.

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh. Larry,
an octopus has got me.

Larry. Oh. Whoa.

Hold still.
Hold still a minute.

I'll get it. Hold still.

Now what do you say?

I give up. I'll marry you.

Oh, Mr. Benton.
Please, please hurry.

Hold hands,
you lover birds.

[GROANING]

[SIGHS]

How are you?

How am I?
What do you mean, how am I?

Congratulations,
both of you.

Oh, thank you.

We're married.

We made it.
It's : and you're married.

What happened?
What happened?

You're married, kid.
Say something.

Help! Help!

[♪]