15x06 - Heavenly Daze

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, yes, yes.

Shemp is not?

Oh, Shemp is.

Oh.

Miss Jones, bring in
the earthly report

of my nephew, Mr. Shemp.

Shemp, there seems to be
some mix-up

regarding your eligibility
to enter these portals.

But Uncle Mortimer, I...

Is this what you want, sir?

Thank you.

[HICCUPS]

Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep!

Shemp!

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Mm-mm.

Bad, Uncle Mortimer?

I hope you brought
your asbestos suit with you.

Asbestos suit?

Gosh, no. I wouldn't need it
up here. I...

Oh, no.

Look, what did I do
that was wrong?

I wouldn't know, having d*ed
before you were born,

but your report shows
that you and your cousins,

Moe and Larry,
have been pretty bad boys.

Oh. Well,
I'll be on my way.

Get me a pitchfork and a red
union suit and I'll go.

Wait. I'll give you one chance.

Go back to Earth
and reform Moe and Larry

and you can
come back here for good.

Gee, thanks. I'll reform that
Moe and Larry if it kills me.

Hey, that doesn't make sense.
I'm already dead.

[CHUCKLES]

You realize that they will not
be able to hear you or see you.

They won't be able
to hear me or see me?

That's great.
That's perfect.

[HICCUPS]

Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep!

[CLEARS THROAT]

File this report, Miss Jones,

until Mr. Shemp returns
from his earthly visit.

Oh, by the way,
my nephew, Mr. Shemp.

My secretary, Miss Jones.

How do you do?

Charmed.

[TRAIN BELL TOLLING DISTANTLY]

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

MAN:
All aboard the heavenly express,

bound for the Big Dipper,
the Little Dipper,

Earth, Mars, Venus,

Cucamonga,
and high and low points south,

leaving from Cloud .

All aboard!

You'd better hurry
or you'll miss your train.

Now, the depot is
down this way one block

and one block to your right.

Gee, thanks.

Well, goodbye.

Goodbye, she says.

If I leave now,
that proves I'm dead.

Well...

[CHUCKLES]

goodbye.

Listen, you old rain cloud,

why don't you look
where you're going?

I had the right of way.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

what's the idea? You think
you're in California?

Gee whiz.

[WOLF WHISTLES]

[WOLF WHISTLES]

Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo.

[expl*si*n]

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

[GRUNTS]

Cut it out, Uncle Mortimer!

MAN:
All aboard!

Wait for me!

[TRAIN CHUGS]

[MOE AND LARRY WEEPING]

"Et cetera, et cetera.

"And furthermore,
whereas I, Shemp the stooge,

"being of unsound mind,
do hereby prove it

"by leaving
all my worldly possessions

"to my cousins, Moe and Larry.

Share and share alike."

[BOTH BLUBBERING]

Poor Shemp. He was
such a sweet stinker.

FLEECEM:
Boys.

This is all of poor Shemp's
worldly goods.

A hundred and forty dollars.

To be divided
equally between you.

Poor Shemp.
He left us all his money.

BOTH:
Money?

Let go of that.

Oh!

It's a good thing
you hit me with money,

or I'd resent that.
Quiet.

We gotta divide this
dough up fair and square.

Say, there seems to be
some more in here.

Wait a minute.

[LOUD SNAP]
Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh! Oh!
[LAUGHS]

[SCREAMING]

Oh!
Laugh that off.

[MURMURING INDISTINCTLY]

A hundred and forty smackers.

That makes bucks
for you, Larry.

One, two, three, four...

Say, at what age did you
graduate from grammar school?

Eighteen.
Eighteen,

, , , .

Robber.

Say, tell me,
how old do you have to be

to collect your old-age pension?

Sixty-five.

Sixty-five,

, , , , .

There we are.

Hey!

Your pile is bigger than mine.

Here's where I start
reforming you, mister.

[BLOWS]

Why don't you watch
what you're doing?

What are you talking about?

You know
what we're talking about.

Yeah. You blew the money
right off the desk.

Ah...! Ah!

I'll divide it this time.

[MONEY RUSTLES]

That's better.

I think you gypped me.

Oh!

You been picking on that
little guy long enough.

It's about time you got a dose
of your own medicine.

Oh!

Oh, a wise guy, huh?

Go on...
I didn't do nothing.

Why, you. I'll..

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

[LAUGHING]
Now, wait.

I'll mash you!
Hey!

That's enough of this nonsense.

Pay me my fee.
I've got a luncheon date.

Oh, yes. Your fee.
How much is it?

A hundred and fifty dollars.

Why, Shemp only left us .

I'll take it.

Are you sure
this is all you've got?

That's the last red cent,
Mr. Fleecem.

See?

[CHORTLING]

Any other lawyer would have
taken the case for $ .

Oh, is that so?

[LAUGHING]

That's what I call
easy pickings, suckers.

Are you telling me.

[CHUCKLING]

Well, be seeing you
later, chump.

Don't stay in the office
too long.

Dirty crook.
You mind if we breathe?

That dirty crook.

Well, that did it.
We're flat broke.

Got a dime for carfare?

Say, I had some airmail stamps.

Well, what do you know?

I know you're trying
to gyp me again.

[GROANING]

Moe, I wasn't trying to gyp you.

I thought I had a couple of...

Moe.
Yeah?

You took my money, didn't you?

Yeah, sure.

My pocket was empty, wasn't it?

Sure.
Well, what's this?

Hey, there's something funny
going on around here.

I got it.
You know, Shemp said

he was coming back
to Earth to haunt us.

Ah, let him come.

I ain't afraid of that fathead.

Oh! Oh!

Moe, what'd you hit me for?

MOE:
I didn't touch you.

That's what I was afraid of.
Shemp's here.

It's him.
His ghost just hit me.

Oh, I ain't afraid of ghosts.

Stand aside.
I'll prove it.

Keep your hands in your pocket.

Shemp, if you're around here,

give me a smash on the chin
and convince me.

Oh...! Ow! Ow!

Oh.

I'm convinced.

And how I'm convinced.

Well, I'm not. Shemp,
if it's really you,

do something else to prove it.

See? He ain't here.

Ah...! Ah!

Whoa! Whoa!

[CHUCKLING]

Well, things are looking up.

[LAUGHING]

I say, Lord Larryington.

Oh, there you are,
Sir Moeington.

Cheerio, pip-pip,
and all that sort of rot,

old thing, old stuff,

old fishmonger, old skunk bait.

You don't have to overdo it.

Well, we're trying
to be elegant, ain't we?

Yeah. Say, where's
that butler of ours?

Oh, Spiffingham.

BUTLER:
Cheerio, sir.

Yes, sir?

Is everything in readiness?

Yes, sir.
Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you.

That's enough.

Hey, you know, I'm worried.

I hope this little scheme
of ours works out.

It had better, after we spent

all of Shemp's inheritance
to rent this apartment,

get these suits
and hire that butler.

Well, we had to do something
to impress the Depeysters.

After all, we're trying
to sell them that phony

fountain-pen invention of yours
for grand, ain't we?

MOE:
And how.

Say, why would anybody
want a fountain pen

that writes under whipped cream?

Well, uh, a fellow
can be in the desert

where there ain't any water
to write under, can't he?

Yeah.
I never thought of that.

I sure hope the Depeysters
will be impressed

with our butler.

Mm-hm. If you have a butler
after I get through

giving him the business.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That's funny.

I'm sure I heard
that doorbell ring.

Uh-oh.

If someone's in here,
how come I can't see him?

And if they ain't in here,

then this hat and coat's
out for a walk by itself.

Uncle Mortimer,
let him hear this.

MORTIMER:
Okay.

[SNEEZES]

Gesundheit.

Who am I Gesundheiting?

[WHIMPERS]

[MOE AND LARRY LAUGHING]

Oh, boy.
I can hardly wait

till we get our hands
on that grand.

Here's to success
with the Depeysters.

[SPITS]

What's the big idea?

You did it and you're asking me?

Quiet.
I didn't do it.

Moe, it must be Shemp.
He came back to haunt us.

Shemp, if you're in this room,

give us a clue, will you?
But no tricks!

Oh, no?

Ow!
Ow!

Ow!

It's him.
Shemp, where are you?

Shemp!

Gentlemen,

does this hat and coat

belong to either one of you?

Oh, no. Those belong
to our dear, dead cousin.

Did you say "dead"?

MOE:
Yes.

Then if he's dead, who gave me
this hat and coat?

His ghost.

Says which?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, uh, that must be
the Depeysters.

Spiffingham, answer the door.

No, sir.
That might be that ghost.

It can't be the ghost.

He's right here in this room,
maybe alongside of you.

Oh...

[SNIFFLES]

Feet, why don't you get going?

[BODY CHATTERING]

Yes, get going
and answer the door.

I'm going,
but my heart ain't in it.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Say, hurry up.
We better clean up.

Come in, folks.

Why, you look as if
you've seen a ghost.

Mister, you don't know
the half of it.

DEPEYSTERS:
Good evening.

Seat? Plotz.

We shall return
momentarily, aye, wot?

[SCREAMS]

[GASPING]

[SCREAMING]

Guess I got rid of him.

Now to see that the Depeysters
don't get gypped.

Here is our invention.

Well, I'm dying
to be the first one

to see a fountain pen
write under whipped cream.

Indeed. So am I.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Now, you take the fountain pen

and place it in here.

And put the paper in thusly.

And pour the cream over all.

Now, turn the motor on to low.

LARRY:
Low.

MOE:
It must turn slowly.

Otherwise, it would overflow.

Now, would you care
to make out your check

for , now or later?

Ah!

[GASPS]

[LAUGHING]

This is preposterous.
What next?

A towel.
I'd like to have a towel.

Oh, my...

[WHIMPERING]

[SCREAMS]

Idiot!

Oh, thank you.

You and your invention.

Now, you look...

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Ow! Ah! Ah! Ow!

Oh!

Uncle Mortimer,
it's working out.

I think they'll turn honest.

[expl*si*n]

Help! Help! Oh!

Help. Help me.

I'm burning.

I'm...

No! Oh, Moe!

Oh!
Want a piece of pie?

Moe! Larry!

That guy's dreaming again.

Why don't you...?
Hey, Larry!

He's been smoking in bed again!

Get the water and the a*!

Put me out!

You nitwit, you!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Why, you brainless idiot.

Oh! Oh!

Turn him around.
Hurry up.

MOE:
That's it.

Why, you nitwit.
Get some more water.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Okay. Look out. I'll...

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

[SIGHS]

[expl*si*n]

[SIZZLING]
Oh! Oh! Oh!

[SIGHS]

What a dream.

You know, fellas, I just dreamt
we invented a fountain pen

that writes under whipped cream.

[LAUGHS]

Under whipped...

[SPUTTERS]

There's your whipped cream.

And there's your fountain pen.

Write yourself a letter.

Dear Ma...

[♪♪♪]