01x07 - NUTH0UZ

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪♪

[ANNOUNCER] All right, everybody!

Who's ready for "Billy & Scoops?"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[ASSISTANT DIRECTOR]
Stand by for first team.

♪♪

I don't get it.

The show has always
been called " Scoops."

They can't just add Billy
to the title for no reason.

Marcus, honey, they have a great reason.

- Everyone loves Billy!
- I know I do.

But I'm the lead. So what?

Billy gets a few laughs.
Now, he's the next Urkel?

I mean, even Billy's fanclub
is twice the size of mine.

Well, he's twice as funny. [LAUGHS]

Stop it. Your dad is so bad.

Well, at least he's not my real dad.

You know, you should thank
your lucky stars for that.

Hmm?

You'd still be living in a taxi cab

if your unhinged father
didn't go to jail.

Go, take your mark.

[ASSISTANT DIRECTOR] All right.
We're gettin' ready to go.

[BELL RINGING]

[ANNOUNCER] All right, g*ng,
we've got a great show for you today.

- We hope you all...
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Okay, here we go.
Ready, three, two, one.

[APPLAUSE]

- Mmm.
- Lenny Scoops, you slow down!

You'll hurt your tummy.

Oh, yeah?

Tell that to my sweet tooth!

[SPARSE LAUGHTER]

We have to open the ice cream store.

I wonder what's taking Billy so long?

[TOILET FLUSHING]

[LAUGHTER]

He's so cute!

[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

[MEEMAW] Marcus!

[DOG BARKS]

Marcus, it's your line.

Oh!

Oh, my f*cking God! Holy sh*t!

[SCREAMING]

Who's a good boy now, Billy?

[SCREAMING]

God! Oh, sh*t!

Line?

Hello?

Anybody in there?

How the hell am I supposed
to pick up this package?

Cross the moat.

Hell no! You go.

Uh, that water is gross as f*ck.

I'm not swimming in that toilet river.

This doesn't make any sense.

I'm gonna throw a rock at it.

Oh, great idea, genius.

[GRUNTS]

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Don't you say it.

- Um...
- Oh!

- Right here.
- I... I told you so.

[CREEPY VOICE] This way.

The f*ck? Where are you goin'?

You heard the creepy disembodied voice.

"This way." Come on, coward.

[CREEPY VOICE] Getting warmer.

[LAUGHING]

Now he's giggling.

I can't believe you're enjoying this.

Oh, come on.
It's like a haunted house.

The smoke, the creepy
lighting. I'm half expecting

a vampire to just pop out
of the smoke and say...

[CREEPY VOICE] Hello.

- [SCREAMING]
- God... Oh, my God.

You got me, man. [LAUGHING]

Oh, please tell me you live down here.

[LAUGHING]

[CREEPY VOICE]
Oh, no. I don't live down here.

[GASPING] Twist!

I don't have time for this tomfoolery.

Show yourself.

[CREEPY VOICE]
Why would I reveal my face?

You see, there's power in anonymity.

Wait a minute.

Are you Calypso?

[CALYPSO] What?

I read that name everywhere.
"Believe in Calypso."

- "Calypso is real."
- Yeah! Are you him?

[CREEPY LAUGHTER]

- I guess that means yes.
- Huh.

[BUZZER]

Secret compartment. Choice.

Hey, Calypso, I usually
get a supply bump

when picking up deliveries.
We need gas, man.

[CALYPSO] The package
is what you've earned.

No more, no less, no free handouts.

Well, can we at least get a peek inside?

Or a deep dish for the road?

What are you gonna do with a dish?

It's not a dish, dummy. It's a pizza.

Oh, my God. Have you never had pizza?

Oh, we have to try it. It's like, uh...

imagine a wheel made
of bread and cheese.

- Oh, f*ck. I want that.
- Yeah, we want that.

[CALYPSO] You have what
you need. Now, get.

Take it back to Raven
like a good milkman.

Your San Francisco
treat awaits. Ding ding.

This is really well done.

[CALYPSO] Thank you.

Oh, and John, may all
your wishes come true.

[LAUGHS]

I mean, I gotta hand
it to that Calypso guy.

What a showman. Do you think that steam

was actually coming from the pipes,

or do you think it was dry ice

that he filtered in for ambiance.

I'm more concerned with making it

to New San Francisco in one piece.

- [BRAKES SQUEAL]
- Just let me take the wheel.

I got it. See?

We can't go back the
way we came after Topeka,

so now we're gonna have to
go north and hook back around.

[LAUGHS] There's a Pits.

Cool. That sounds awesome.

- Should we stop at the Taints after?
- Funny.

It's an old milkman pitstop.

You stop off, share
intel on delivery routes,

gas up, maybe get some chow.
sh*t, maybe even a shower.

Uh, why the f*ck didn't
we stop by one sooner?

Well, 'cause there are
only two of them left.

They have very strict ground rules.

Rule one... don't talk about your job.

No one cares what you're moving,

but what you're getting paid...
that's a different story,

- so we leave it at the door.
- Mmm-hmm.

Rule two... no weapons allowed.

Anything can be a w*apon.
I stabbed you with a pen.

What about your hands?
You can strangle, pummel.

- You can thumb-f*ck the eyes.
- Your hands aren't that strong.

- They seem pretty strong to me.
- I'll pull over.

Why would you do that?
We're on a schedule.

Woah! Oh, got it. Oh... [CHUCKLING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[ROBERTS] Roberts for Agent Stone.

Come in Agent Stone.

- Go for Stone.
- [ROBERTS] Agent Stone, sir, it's...

Look, this better be about
the mute and the milkman.

[ROBERTS] Sir, it's the clown.

Sweet Tooth hit our Colorado outpost,

just like Utah and the dam.

He k*lled everyone and
took the prisoners with him.

[SIGHING] f*ck! Ah! Ugh!

No. Oh, no.

[ROBERTS] Also, not urgent,

but there was a small
snafu at the motor pool.

Minor collision, Jamie
and I are fine but...

[JAMIE] Shut up, he
doesn't want to hear it.

- [ROBERTS] You don't know that.
- [JAMIE] Uh, sir, everything's fine.

Listen.

Nevada, Utah, Colorado.

These are not just random att*cks.

That smiley faced son of
a bitch is going somewhere.

♪♪

Now, don't go asking for
different drink flavors.

You get what you get,
and you don't get upset.

So, eat up and take your shits.

Maybe play some pick-up basketball.

No snack for you. You're with me.

- Come on.
- Sure.

Harold! You're in charge.

- Uh, everything okay?
- Ah, sweet of you to ask.

Look at my fan club. Growing every day.

But not everybody believed in me.

We didn't just stop
here for poops and hoops.

We're here for something important.

What?

Closure.

[GROWLING]

Ow! Steering wheel. Ugh.

Evelyn leave a love mark?
She likes to play rough.

- She's not a real girl, John.
- I know.

So, this is where the milkmen hang out.

Wow, it really is the pits.

All right, let's divide and conquer.

My thoughts exactly.

I bless you an honorary milkman.

You gas up, I supply up.

Hey.

Hey piss flaps, I was next.

[GROWLING]

At least get a girl off
before treating her like sh*t.

I outta choke you.

Ooh, promise?

[LAUGHING]

- [GRUNTS]
- Bye, Grady.

[CHUCKLES]

He's got nothing.

Tiny little penis.

You're up.

Thanks.

I thought, uh, weapons weren't allowed.

[GASPS]

Oops!

♪♪

I haven't seen you around here.

Are you taking over a territory?

Oh, no. I'm here with...

Johnny?

Mary?

Oh, my God.

Hmm.

- Hi.
- [GROANS]

You left me for dead, assh*le!

I thought you were dead, assh*le!

I guess you two know each other?

What... wait-wait-wait-wait.

You're with this son of a bitch?

[LAUGHING]

How clenched do you think
his butthole is right now?

Oh, I'm gonna guess it's pretty tight.

Mm-hm, like a teeny tiny starfish.

Did you miss me?

♪♪

So seven sh*ts in,

Johnny bets me he can surf his car.

[SCOFFING]

We go out in the parking
lot. He gets Evelyn to .

And as he climbs
through the window, bam!

- His ass ragdolls on the concrete.
- [LAUGHING]

Just blood pouring out of his head.

[QUIET] It's so funny,
because he told me that he got that scar

from a seven-on-one vulture car chase.

That's how I got the other scar.

- Mm-hm.
- Uh-huh.

So, how did you two meet?

My mother, may she rest in peace,

ran one of the first pits
in sunny San Juan Capistrano.

When she croaked, I took over

and Johnny would pass through to, um...

what'cha call it?

Drain your t*nk?

Fill her up.

Nuzzle the guzzle.

[QUIET] C'mon, man.

Then a g*ng of burnouts
torched the place.

A blessing in disguise, honestly.

I would've done anything to
get the hell out of there.

Johnny knows.

I heard about the fire.

And you didn't come back for me?

- They said nobody survived.
- Well this bitch did.

Luckily, I knew a place in a church

where no one could find me.

The bell tower? Oh, my God.

I haven't thought about
that place in ages.

- All the bird sh*t!
- The bird sh*t!

[LAUGHING]

Of course that's what you remember.

- We made love there.
- So now you're a milkman.

Mm-hm. No thanks to you.

I always wanted to be a milkman,

but no one took me seriously.

Ain't that right, Johnny?

So what's your story, hm?

No way you're driving cars.

I mean, that ass is way too perky.

I'm from the OC where
they cut off body parts

and wear them like jewelry.

Sounds fun.

Never leave a woman's glass empty.

sh*ts on Johnny! [POUNDING]

[CHEERING]

Yeah, lucky me.

Okay, Quiet. Look, about Mary...

Oh my gosh, you weren't
a virgin when I met you?

I could give two soggy
dumps about your ex.

You're dicking around.
We're on a schedule.

Dicking around?
Before you came up, I found out

there was a vultures nest
a few clicks from here

that we definitely
would have driven into.

I say we butter up these
milkmen with a few buttery nips.

Get what intel we can and
get the hell out of here.

Okay fine. One more drink.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey! [CHEERING]

All right!

- Whoa!
- Bloody Mary's a character, isn't she?

Bloody Mary, really?

[MR. SLAM] Hey, you're laughing,

but she's made more runs than anyone.

She'll wipe out a whole vultures nest

just for craps and cackles.

[CHEERING]

Nicknames mean a lot out here.

We all got one.

Pizza Boy,

Petunia,

Pit Viper.

Well, I can't wait to hear yours.

They call me Mr. Slam.

- Why?
- 'Cause I can crush anything

with my massive penis.

Sorry. [LAUGHING]

[DOOR SLAMS]

You have a shower here?

Out back.

We got everything to take
the road ass right off of you.

Here.

For your nooks and crannies.

Mr. Slam, don't you
worry about my crannies.

- [PIZZA BOY] Pizza, baby!
- [PETUNIA] Pizza, baby.

- Pizza.
- I'm Pizza guy.

- Yeah. People love pizza.
- You never lose.

You never trust a guy
that wears a jacket inside.

[PIZZA BOY] Yeah, you
f*ckin' hang up on him.

You know, my parents sent me here

because I got in a
disagreement with my co-star.

Well, actually, they
sent me to the kiddy ward.

And then I moved to the
juvie wellness center.

Oh, and then finally got
bumped up to Blackfield

after I m*rder*d my roommate.

Trust me, that guy was a psychopath.

What did he do?

He thought Chris Kirkpatrick
was the best member of NSYNC.

Are you nuts?

But this... this is where I grew up.

It was hard at first.

Nobody came to see me.

Not even my parents.

They said they would, but they lied!

[ECHOES]

You felt alone. I get it.

Don't make this about you, Stuart.

- It's unbecoming.
- Sorry.

[GROANING]

Then I got to know the guys in here.

And guess what?

They were just like me.

Yeah.

Blackfield was the best
ten years of my -to-life.

Hold onto your butt cr*ck.

We're going in.

Home, sweet home. [SNIFFS]

Huh, still smells the same.

♪♪

Your co-star was a dog?

f*ck Billy, that son of a bitch!

Uh, sorry, Mommy. I-I
didn't mean to swear.

Stu, meet my mommy.

Mommy, meet my Stu.

Hi, Wesley. That's right.

I still won't call you dad.

You-you locked your parents in here.

I wrote. I tried calling.

They ignored me.

They always ignored me.

So when the world ended and
the cell block opened up,

I tracked them down
and I left them in here to rot,

just like they left me!

You, uh, you got their attention now.

Yeah, I do.

Mommy, Wesley,

I never wanted to try
out for that sitcom.

I was perfectly happy

doing summer stock in the Berkshires.

But you needed a Lexus!

You were my parents.

You were supposed to be my biggest fans!

And you know what?

I don't need you assholes,

because I have found my people.

And those guys out there?

They love me for me!

[SCREAMS]

It's okay.

I don't need you!

[GROWLING]

[PANTING]

And that concludes our tour!

♪♪

♪♪

Ooh, I'd k*ll for those areolas.

Bump?

Uh, nah.

All right. [SNIFFS]

Ah.

I know that brand.

You lost a finger and you
got the law on your ass?

Are you crazy or just unlucky?

Bit of both, I guess.

Me too.

Check it.

- You got those from law?
- A few of them.

Mostly from being a pedestrian.

After the fire, I had to start fresh.

I got this one from playing
possum with some butchers.

Between you and me,

grilled dude tastes not that bad.

Hey, you're on my sh*t.

Oops.

So what's it like driving with Johnny?

Is it as wet and wild
as he always said it would be?

[SCOFFING] He would say wet and wild.

Riding with John is mostly irritating.

I'm sure I'll get used to it.
It's only been a couple days.

You just met and you're
already goin' on rides?

[CHUCKLING]

I mean, just this one job.

- [SIGHS]
- [MARY] Well, must be nice.

Johnny always said it
would be too dangerous

for me to ride with him.

Milkman have an expiration date,

blah, blah, blah.

Guess I had to figure it out for myself.

Listen, I wouldn't
read too much into it.

It's not like he lets me drive his car.

Of course not.

But I see the way he looks at you.

He likes you.

Like, like likes you.

But he will never
pick you over that car.

Evelyn is his ride or die.

Till death do they part.

But what do I know? [LAUGHING]

Maybe he likes you behind the wheel.

Or the wheel behind you.

Naptime's over, f*ck-os!

Time to go...

♪♪

No! Harold, why did you k*ll everybody?

♪♪

Oh, sh*t. Get down!

[g*n f*ring]

[YELPING]

[CARL] It's gonna be maggot
Thanksgiving down there.

That's a good one, Carl.

Jamie, you and your brother,
back with me to base.

Mike, get another guy.

Double taps on everybody,
collect their weapons.

Uh-huh.

And grab the clown's mask.

I want it for my wall.

Let's go.

♪♪

[JOHN DOE] Come on, Ev, drink up.

Damn, running water
always makes me have to go.

[GRUNTING]

Oh f*ck, Mare!

Do you mind?

No.

[URINE TRICKLING]

So Johnny, what brings you out east?

- Pfft! Are you serious?
- [MARY] Yeah.

I mean, come on! My job!

You know I can't give you the deets.

Your job. [LAUGHING]

John Doe would never leave California.

It gets too cold,

and he doesn't like goosepimples.

Maybe it's a really good job.

- Oh!
- Ooohh!

Maybe that's why you need a partner.

No, okay, it's not like I recruited her.

She kinda just fell in my lap.

- Mmm.
- I didn't mean like that.

Look, Quiet saved my ass.

If it wasn't for her, I'd
be road sauce right now.

Oh, I mean, I've been
doin' it alone for a while.

I seem to be doin' fine.

- [SCOFFING]
- Oh.

- Unless you're gettin' soft.
- Soft...

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, gettin' soft.

Well, good thing it's my last run.

It's gettin' cold out
here. I'm gonna head in.

- Your last run?
- Huh?

Come on, you can tell me.

You used to tell me
all kinds of crazy sh*t.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay?

And I told you sh*t, too.

Well, let's just say

I'm gonna get what I always wanted.

No.

[POPS LIPS]

- Inside?
- Mmm, oh!

- [QUIET] Hey John!
- Yo!

Thought you'd wanna know,

Mistress Lane's about to perform.

I do not wanna miss that!

[DOOR CLOSING]

- After the show, I gotta get back on the road.
- Uh-huh.

Because New San Francisco awaits.

- John... John!
- [CHUCKLING]

Are you serious?

Jello, Mare!

♪♪

[JOHN DOE] Oh, sh*t! Oh, I'm good!

Y'all in the front row,

you're gonna get wet!

So, how's the car?

She's good, gassed up, and ready to go.

You smell like fresh
forest, like camping.

Oh! You're drunk.

You're drunk!! And also...

I'm drunk.

- [CROWD CHANTING]
- [ALL] Slam! Slam! Slam!

- Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam!
- Slam? Slam?

Y'all ready to see
this watermelon explode?

Hell yeah!

- Slam!
- Slam!

[CHANTING "SLAM!" CONTINUES]

Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam!

Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam!

Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam!

Shh! Shut the f*ck up!

Oh. [CHUCKLING]

Gee, Johnny,

looks like word got
out about your package.

Guess you're not the only one

trying to get inside
New San Francisco, huh?

You couldn't have waited one minute?!

You told them about New San Francisco?

What the hell happened
to rule number one?

This is why we have rule number two!

♪♪

I told you that was a
f*ckin' stupid-ass rule!

All right, fine!

Okay, there's no need for v*olence.

I'll give you the package.

But who do I give it to, huh?

Give it to you?

How about you?

Don't tell me you haven't
discussed amongst yourselves

who's gonna get it.

[LAUGHING]

Getting in is a pretty big prize.

Slam!

[GRUNTING, GROANING]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Quiet!

[GRUNTING]

♪♪

John!

[GRUNTING, GROANING]

[SINISTER LAUGHTER]

Careful, you might nick yourself.

Not f*ckin' likely.

[GRUNTING]

♪♪

What the hell is this jacket made of?

♪♪

[GRUNTING]

[PANTING]

[GROANING]

[GIGGLING] Is this just me,

or is this kinda hot?

- It's kinda hot.
- Yeah. Do it.

f*ckin' do it. Gimme another scar.

Add it to the f*cking pile!

[WEAKLY CHUCKLING]

I would have followed
that milkman anywhere.

All he had to do was say
"Come with me," but he didn't!

Okay, I suffered because of him.

So f*ck him if he thinks he
can waltz into a better life!

[PANTING]

Here's a little free advice.

Don't let revenge ruin a second chance.

♪♪

[GRUNTING]

Behind you!

[GROANING]

[LAUGHING]

[THUDDING]

[PANTING]

g*dd*mn, Mary.

[PANTING]

♪♪

Hey, Slam!

Nice dong moves.

♪♪

[GROANING]

[g*n f*ring]

♪♪

Stu! Stu!

[SNIFFLING] I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to, man.

[GASPING] Holy sh*t! sh*t!

I thought I k*lled you, man.

You tried to k*ll me?!

Uh, no?

- [MAN] No! No, no, no!
- [SWEET TOOTH] Who did this?!

Answer me!

Those were my people!

- My fans!
- [BONES CRACKING]

Oops.

f*ck-f*ckin' Stone! It was Stone!

Stone did this, man!

[GAGGING]

Please! Please! Please!

I can help! I can help!

I know where Stone is!

[GAGGING]

Wait! Stone hurt you.

He can help hurt him back.

[GASPING, COUGHING]

You want a pet? Fine.

But you clean up after him.

'Cause we all know what I do...

to naughty dogs.

[GRUNTS]

Here... You drive.

At least till I sober up.

[ENGINE STARTING]

♪♪

[STONE] They're going
to New San Francisco.

Huh, interesting.

You guys ever sh**t trout in a barrel?

The fun part isn't
actually sh**ting them.

It's trapping them in the barrel.

Boy howdy...

do I love a good trap.

♪♪

♪♪