Match Me If You Can (2023)

[bunniefuu]

[faint raspy breathing]

[soft growling]

-[gasps]

-Oh! Cripes.

[whispering]

Sorry.

[man]

We have to circle round.

Approach the escalator

from the east.

Remember what's at the top

of that escalator?

Abercrombie.

Where they breed them.

Okay...

We're gonna run

to the brick wall,

and then we're gonna

get on the escalator.

That's risky.

We'll be trapped.

Hey, dudes, dudes, um,

what's our position on online

matchmakers instead of the apps?

-Get over here.

-Bitch, please.

My mother wants to sign me up.

She's desperate.

Guys, can we please

talk about this

when no one is trying

to k*ll us?

Dating algorithms

are basically meaningless.

There was a 2012 paper

published by

Northwestern University

that basically eviscerates

-the very concept--

-Meta.

-Yeah. Yeah.

-Are we ready?

-Yeah. Yeah.

-Great. Let's go.

[snarling]

-Abort. Abort.

-Oh, bad choice, bad choice.

Abort. Abort.

Take as many

as you can with you.

-Gentlemen, it's been an honor.

-[zombies groaning]

Say hello to my little friend.

Oh, bugger.

[Kip]

Ugh.

[groaning softly]

Next time, we need more people.

[man]

That all you got, Dumbledork?

Come on.

Where are your Hobbitses now,

Gandalf?

Dan?

Kip.

-Hey.

-Hey.

-How's it going?

-Oh, sh*t.

Is that the same Dan

that ghosted you last week?

[whispers]

It doesn't matter.

[LB]

Yes, it does. It's rude.

Okay, okay, you're right.

I should have texted.

But get this, our second date,

she asks,

"Outside of the Marvel Universe,

who could pick up

Thor's hammer?"

[laughs]

I mean, come on.

Next date you go on

with a guy,

maybe keep that weirdness

tucked away a little bit better.

-You know?

-Hey. You are dismissed.

Fine. Whatever.

[Dan scoffs]

-Come on, Zoe.

-Data.

What?

Data from The Next Generation.

He could lift Thor's hammer.

Yes! Also, Ted Lasso,

but he'd do it by accident.

-[laughs]

-[Meta] Please.

Two words: Superman.

And Betty White.

Neville Longbottom.

[Meta]

Ah.

Not worth it.

I feel sort of bad

k*lling you now.

Oh, no, that's okay.

Death sounds pretty good

right now.

All right then.

[snarls]

Turn it up, turn it up

Turn it up

Turn it up

Turn it up, turn it up

Drink it up, shake it up

To the sound

Shake it on down

Break it on down

Turn it up and down

If you want to

Turn it inside out

If you need to

Turn it up, turn it up

Turn it up

Turn it up

Turn it up, turn it up

Break it down

Listen to the bass, man

He don't say much

But when he does

Give a listen

Boom, boom, boom, boom

Change it up

So we don't get sued

[all whoop and laugh]

[clears throat]

[music turned off]

[man] Yeah, buddy!

Thank you. Thank you.

But the real thanks

goes to my family,

who never, ever learned

how to knock.

-Hey, hey, do "Wonderwall."

-[all laugh]

Oh.

Here.

Thanks, Mom.

-Sweetie.

-Okay, Mom...

You cannot keep doing

these all-nighters.

I know, I know.

But you should

have seen the numbers.

We doubled our users

in the last month.

Well, then it's time

to hire someone.

And it has to be from

outside the family this time,

since Sarah's the only one

that doesn't work for you yet.

Mom, I get it,

and I will...

I'll think about it.

Okay, well, it's...

It's not just you

I'm worried about.

If you slip up,

the entire company

is at risk.

I get it.

Okay. I'm going.

Thank you for the coffee.

[Ivy] Sure.

[typing]

[panting]

[man, on TV] I got so tired

of swiping left, left, left.

[woman, on TV] Those other apps

are all based on looks.

[Kip]

Jones.

I created for you a bride.

And we shall give it life!

-[laughs]

-[woman] His sense of humor.

[man]

Her plans and dreams.

[woman] When you answer

the app questions,

you really think about

who you are.

Your soulmate is out there.

I promise.

[Kip]

Hey, Jones.

Your grape is out there.

I promise.

My soulmate, however,

apparently got lost.

Although, if he really is

my soulmate,

his watch would be synced

to the atomic clock.

Bye, Jones.

[Kip reading onscreen text]

[Kip] At least you didn't

have to deal with dating apps,

where, I swear,

every third photo

is some guy posing

with a fish he just caught.

"I'd like to believe

there was someone special

in your life once.

And I'll find someone too.

But maybe I'm just

old-fashioned

and the world doesn't work

like that anymore."

You're okay that I blog

about you sometimes?

You'd tell me, right?

Oh. Check this out.

I made it for you.

[motor whirring]

I got to get my bus.

See you.

All I'm saying is,

guys figure there's something

wrong with the other person,

While women assume there's

something wrong with us.

No, I pretty much always assume

that I'm the problem.

Yeah, well, in your case,

you'd be right.

[LB] Hey, you know

what'd be awkward?

If one of these guys

reads about himself on

your blog.

I have, like, three readers,

and two of them are my mother.

Dude, I read it.

Don't read my blog, you creeper.

Then don't put it

on the Internet.

[Marco laughing]

Ugh, Marco alert.

Banking in, port side.

[Sanjay]

Marco's a douche.

I can't believe they hired him

instead of promoting you.

I can. They were never

gonna promote me.

Why not?

Uh, women's intuition.

Years of watching men like Marco

take credit for my work.

-There's a word for that.

-Patriarchy?

I was thinking "d*ck,"

but sure.

[imitating knock]

-Interrupting?

-No. What's up?

I need your help

with the Gemco presentation.

Oh, you want me to run through

the technical content?

[snorts]

No.

I've got all that covered.

Presentation itself is superb.

Are you sure?

It's pretty advanced.

I mean, the processing

requirements alone--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you womansplaining this

to me?

-Uh...

-That's not very woke, Kip.

Am I right, guys?

[Marco laughs]

[toy squawks]

Look, I just need you

to fix a virus on my laptop.

Must have been infected

by a competitor

trying to sabotage us.

But we can't fix it here,

because I can't risk

contaminating the network.

So I need you to fix it tonight

from home.

I would do it myself,

but I've got a date.

Ooh!

Okay?

Superb.

Well, I might have plans

tonight too.

[snorts]

God, you're hilarious.

Boop!

Yeah.

[Kip sighs]

Dickhead.

Stain.

Such a cretin.

-[snarling]

-[Riley] Hey.

Ready? Ready?

You ready? You ready?

But seriously,

how are you still coding

all of I Promise by yourself?

Well, it's easy, I just,

you know, survive on popcorn,

I sleep at my desk,

and my application

for the monastery

just arrived in the mail,

so, hey!

[laughs]

Honestly, volunteering here

is the only time

I actually get outside.

Well, when you're hiring,

you know how to find me.

Thank you.

[laughs]

Oh, I thanked you.

I know a p*rn virus

when I see one, you sleaze.

Uh... yup!

Hmm. See?

I am superb, Jones.

And how about I put

a little picture

of your gross search history

in the middle

of your presentation, Marco?

How superb would I be then?

[Kip sighs]

"I hope Mr. Lawn Chair Man

talks..."

Oh, that's nice.

"Come to church with us.

There's so many nice men"?

God, Mom.

"Is your poppy floppy?"

Gross.

Hmm.

Hmm. What do you think, Jones?

Yeah.

That's a really bad idea.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Ugh.

Huh. "Would you share your

toothbrush with your lover?"

Uh...

I know where his mouth has been.

-No.

-[punches mouse buttons]

"Are you a good dancer?"

Seriously?

That's the second-most

important thing to catalog?

"Have you ever had sex

in public..."

Who are these people, Jones?

It's disgusting.

Hey, Jones, three no's.

It's like a drinking game.

"Have you been to a bar

this week?" No.

"Do you k*ll spiders

rather than carry them outside?"

Never.

Number 14. "Your romantic

partner is bitten by a zombie."

Head sh*t immediately.

"Would you rather

vomit on your hero

or have your hero

vomit on you?"

On me. On me.

244: Nude beach.

Sure.

"Have you, uh...

ever...

Have you ever

been skinny...

skinny dipping?"

[mouse button clicks]

[Dirk]

Question 500:

Who ended your last

relationship?

Don't lie to me.

I hate you.

Congratulations.

Your matches will be sent

within 24 hours.

[cell phone vibrating]

[groans]

-What?

-[Meta] Where the hell are you?

Rideshare's on the way.

-Mom?

-Yeah, it's your mom.

Marco's Gemco presentation

starts in 20--

Correction, 19 minutes,

and you have his laptop.

You're not his favorite person

right now.

He's sniffing around your desk

like a rabid skunk.

A driver's gonna be there

in one minute.

Get down there now.

Where is she?

Yeah, yeah.

She's always late on Tuesdays.

It's her day to babysit

during morning Mass.

[laughs nervously]

Bring it right over. I'll stall.

Yeah. No problem.

[elevator dings]

Make a hole!

Oh!

[exhales]

[whispering]

You are in control. Right?

You are a goddess.

He is nothing.

He's a pimple on the butt

of a big baboon. Nothing.

[Marco]

Now I'm not just saying this

to blow smoke up your behinds,

but the new build truly is

one of a kind.

So, once we incorporate

the new code,

we will have the fastest product

on the market.

And with that processing speed,

your ROI will be superb.

Get the lights.

[sighs]

He is so gonna write me up.

No. You were terrific in there.

Seriously, guys,

I don't know how to thank you.

You can start

by brushing your teeth.

-Damn, girl.

-And you have keyboard scars.

Guys, really?

She's also got her T-shirt on

back to front,

but she's still the best.

Good night, Kip.

Jeopardy!

Tournament of Champions?

Yup. And Shirley's making tacos.

Ugh, you're living the dream,

Meta.

I am. I am.

[laughs]

Oh, hey, Marco.

How'd the presentation go?

Superb!

No thanks to you.

[Meta] Inside voice, Marco.

Inside voice.

Right.

[imitating Marco]

No thanks to you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,

I'm superb.

[in normal voice]

Oh, really?

So your smut virus

just healed itself, did it?

Great.

[computer chimes]

Oh.

Hmm.

No.

Okay.

[mouse wheel clicks]

A dog?

That's it right there.

That's the moment

I had my epiphany.

Every time I get ghosted,

Meta says there's nothing

wrong with me.

But it's pretty hard

to maintain that position

when a whole-ass

matchmaking site

rejects you as unmatchable.

There were always signs.

I mean, I played with Barbies.

I just accessorized

differently.

Oh, my God.

You're so weird.

[Kip] I had a sweet 16,

like everyone else.

Mostly.

Thank you!

Who wants to play D&D?

I know I'm not a real woman.

My shoes don't hurt.

I like math.

I couldn't flirt if I tried.

And for me, dressing up means

putting on mascara.

Everything in my life

has told me that's not enough.

That I'm not enough.

But I guess I never really

believed it before.

In their huge database,

there wasn't one guy

who might like me?

Really? Not one?

Statistically,

is that even possible?

"Read this blog."

I don't know how to fix this

without pretending

to be someone I'm not.

Hmm. It's nice.

I feel seen.

And look, I have a good job.

A nice apartment.

I take my own trash out.

I know how to use a plunger

and a comprehensive

set of power tools.

Hell, yeah, we do.

I don't need a man.

It's just that maybe,

every now and then,

I'd like to reach out

and find someone there.

Reaching back.

I don't care what

the I Promise people say.

There is someone

out there for me.

For all of us unmatchables.

I promise.

Hey.

And don't you forget it.

[laughs]

-[barks]

-Whoa, whoa. Quiet down.

[scoffs]

Wrong brother, Bonus.

All hair and grooming questions

go to David and me.

Have I taught you nothing?

Dad told me

why you call me that.

It's a term of endearment.

Everyone loves a surprise.

[laughs]

And the parentals wonder why

you're still single.

She's doing my nails later.

Hmm. That's not all

we're doing later.

Hey!

There we go.

A blog?

Who still blogs anymore?

Just read it.

[Kip]

This is unreal.

My blog has, like,

20 comments.

I usually have,

like, two.

"Thanks, Kip,

for speaking for me."

"I could have written this."

"I'm crying as I write this."

Oh, wow. It's up to 32 now.

Look.

[imitating Scooby-Doo]

Ruh-roh.

["Scouting for Girls"

by Famous playing]

Staying in again

On a Saturday night

I'm gonna settle on the sofa

And turn down the lights

I got 900 channels

But there's nothing to see

No wonder everybody thinks

They should be on TV

Oh

We all want to be famous

Oh

And be a face on the screen

Oh

Read our name in the papers

Oh

Everybody wants to be on TV

Oh

Oh-oh

Oh

Oh-oh

Oh

Oh-oh

We all want

We want to be famous

We all want

To be like James Dean

So you believe

just because you couldn't

find Mittens all night...

Yes, she was abducted

by aliens.

And they brought her back.

-In time for breakfast.

-Yeah.

Yeah, so there I was

making bacon,

and she just came trotting in

like she hadn't been MIA

all night.

She looks at me differently.

There's something

in her eyes, she...

I can't explain--

You know what?

There's this thing on her butt

I want to show you...

Oh, and we are done.

[laughs]

Thank you so much

to this week's guests,

Kevin and Mittens.

Now, before I go,

I appreciate

all of the comments

about the I Promise sitch.

If you're not following

the shenanigans

of my soon-to-be-new-bestie

Kip Parsons, you should be.

I'm gonna get her in here

to spill more tea with me,

Annie Lee.

Check back soon.

Okay, you're getting tagged

in this over and over.

This is huge.

Then what are you still

doing here?

-Call her, get her in here.

-Okay.

Don't look at me like that.

[dog panting]

She's straight-up lying.

No one gets rejected.

I mean, I can't even find her

in the system.

[Ivy]

It doesn't matter.

Hashtag "unmatchable"

is trending,

and lying or not,

she has hit a nerve.

Oh, this couldn't happen

at a worse time.

We have to handle this

carefully.

[Phil] There's nothing

malicious in her blog.

This just doesn't feel like

some massive corporate plot.

[Ivy]

Dirk, call Frankie.

Tell her we're gonna need

the office tomorrow.

-Perfect.

-Whoa, whoa.

You know,

just a radical idea here.

Maybe we should just

invite her here

and, um, tell her the truth.

No, no, no, no.

We need to impress her.

You mean scare her.

Riley, you hired us

to make the tough decisions.

Now let us make them.

Yes, is this Kip Parsons?

This is Ivy Detamore,

chief legal counsel

at I Promise.

They want to meet to clear up

any "misunderstandings."

So, you go down there

and you smack the sh*t

out of their lying asses.

I'm not good

with confrontation.

[zombie-like groaning]

[footsteps running]

You'll be fine.

You're like Saint Joan

at the Siege of Orleans.

You know, you're not just

fighting for yourself anymore.

That's right, you're fighting

for all of us unmatchables, Kip.

Hey, you're her.

Hashtag "unmatchable."

I love it.

Those ass-hats say they promise,

look at what they do.

I literally cried

reading that.

-[Kip] Seriously?

-[woman] Yeah.

Look at me.

You don't see anybody

queuing up to date me?

Oh, well...

in the name of sisterhood,

could you give me a pass?

[scoffs]

Get real.

They k*lled Joan, didn't they?

b*rned her alive

at the stake?

-[snarling]

-Oh, God.

Yeah, it's not

a perfect metaphor.

[all]

We need more people.

[Annie]

Have you seen the retweets?

She's like the digital

Bachelorette.

I've been promoting it

everywhere.

We need to get her in here.

I've left six messages.

Well, call her again.

Be her friend.

She sure sounds like

she needs one.

Raina?

This story could launch me.

And wherever I go,

you'll be right there with me.

Now call her.

Wait, your motto is "I promise,"

and you told her

she was unmatchable?

-It's Riley's fault.

-No, uh-uh.

No, the code is perfect,

thank you.

Well, you can end up

in the crapper on this one.

She could sue you dry.

She would have to prove

that she got rejected,

which she can't do.

So without that,

the most she can do is,

I don't know,

complain about us.

Yeah, all over the Internet.

Which never dies.

So why are you

bringing her here?

To show her

we're the good guys.

[Frankie]

So in other words,

you want her

to take the blog down.

Pretty much exactly.

You can leave that on, you know.

Nah, our market research says

that we're better

positioned

if people think

I'm straight and single.

We live in weird times.

Well, it's go time.

So, we get the call she's here.

From the lobby to here,

you charm her with your

"I'm a sun god" shtick.

You take her down

to the broker room.

Show her a couple of computers,

right?

Ten minutes tops. She's out.

All right, I'm gone.

Careful she doesn't see you.

Um, it doesn't matter,

remember?

She doesn't know who I am.

[Dirk]

Still.

Mr. Detamore

will be with you soon.

Help yourself

to some water.

Oh, hey. What are you?

[camera shutters click]

Huh.

Puffer fish, huh?

So is this your deflated state?

You are so sweet.

-Oh, I wouldn't do that...

-Ah!

Oh, sh*t.

Uh...

-No!

-No!

Should we grab him?

-Hell no.

-Whoa.

-Are you gonna faint?

-No. Are you?

I don't think so.

[both]

No!

-Okay, what do we do?

-Uh, move the couch.

[Kip]

Okay.

Okay. Shh.

Go!

Oh, no. Oh!

[both cheer]

-Ah! Oh, uh...

-No.

That was amazing.

-You have such good reactions.

-Oh, thank you.

-I hunt zombies, so...

-Do you get medical with that?

Absolutely.

We're a full union now.

[both laugh]

[clears throat]

Um, Kip Parsons?

There was a spider.

It was sizable.

I need a Band-Aid.

Oh, of course.

Right this way, please.

[mouthing]

Wow, huh?

I mean, I know she almost

k*lled you, but...

other than that... wow.

So, this is my office.

-Thanks for this.

-Oh, yeah.

No, of course. Please.

Uh, have a seat.

Um...

Look, I never expected

so many people to read my blog.

I'm as surprised as anyone.

[laughs]

Well, you put it

on the Internet.

I put a lot of things

on the Internet,

but no one

ever reads them.

I guess...

I guess I was just angry.

I mean, unmatchable?

Here's the thing that's really

curious about that.

I checked with Development,

and they assure me

there's no code in the system

that rejects people.

So, are you sure

you used I Promise?

Well, unless you have

a doppelganger.

-[both laugh]

-I'm pretty sure.

Yeah, but if you got rejected,

why hasn't anyone else?

Well, I don't know

about anybody else.

I only know about me.

And besides,

how would I know

that no one else been rejected?

Because you told me?

And if your code's so great,

then how come

you haven't found love yet?

Look, I'm just trying to clear

up any misunderstandings

-that we have.

-I understand.

I just think you have

a credibility issue.

Because I have no reason to lie

and, well, you guys...

You do.

How about that tour?

[sighs]

Sure.

Great.

So, yeah,

so this is it.

These are your programmers?

Sure, yeah.

[Kip]

Those guys? Them?

[Dirk]

Uh, yeah. That's them.

Thank you for your time.

I hope we've resolved

any old feelings.

And so you'll take down

your blog?

Hey, man.

That went well, huh?

I have no idea

what just happened.

[Kip] They say Google performs

six billion searches a day,

but it only took me four

to prove something.

I Promise is a pack of liars.

Score! Retweet that.

Already on it.

[Kip] Ironic,

since they just accused me

of lying about being rejected.

But that's what liars do,

isn't it?

Go get 'em, Kip.

You know that slick building

in the commercials?

That's home to a brokerage firm

called Kaplan-Meyers.

Meyers, coincidentally,

is the maiden name

of Dirk's mother.

Aren't search engines cool?

[sighs]

Hashtag "unmatchable."

It's not their building.

They just use it to look cool.

They're lying about everything,

and here's the fun part:

they didn't even get to know me

before rejecting me.

If they had, they wouldn't

have tried to pass off

a bunch of brokers

as programmers.

Ties and headsets

on programmers?

Not in this world, pal.

Represent, bruh.

-[chuckles]

-Oh, her.

Oh.

-[Kip] But the clincher

was a glass statue.

A huge honor, really.

Employee of the Year.

Lotus Corporation.

Only problem is,

as any self-respecting geek

could tell you,

Lotus was bought by IBM in...

-'95.

-Duh.

June 12, 1995, actually,

for 3.5 billion

in a hostile take over.

I believe it was a Monday.

[Riley] 1995.

"I doubt Dirk D. Detamore

was employee of the year at 8,

as gifted as he may be.

But that fourth search?

Yep, Francesca Meyers.

Lotus Employee of the Year,

1992."

Please make it stop.

"So my question is,

do you trust your love life

to someone who doesn't even

bother to get to know you?

Me? I'll take my chances."

What?

"And while we're speculating,

I think Dirk is married.

But why hide it?

I'd rather know he found love

than to see underdressed models

hanging on him in every ad."

I told you.

She doesn't miss anything.

She's worse than Mom.

-Hush!

-[Phil] And she finishes with,

"P.S., against all laws

of probability,

if the cute guy

in the waiting room is reading,

I'd fish-wrangle again

with you anytime."

Did she say "cute guy"?

Ow! What the actual hell?

I can't believe

you hit on the chick

trying to ruin

our company.

How was I supposed to know

who she was?

-[Riley yelps]

-[Ivy] Oh!

Knock it off! Right now!

What is wrong with you?

We are going to lose everything

that we have worked so hard for,

and all because this silly girl

thinks she has to express

everything she feels.

You know, maybe a little legal

action would calm her down, hmm?

You mean, sue her? For what?

[scoffs]

Slander.

Libel, actually.

Oh, yeah.

I always get those backwards.

You got to be kidding me, right?

The Internet

is the written word.

You can't just say

whatever you want.

Well, yeah, you kind of can.

Okay, well, then you give us

another solution.

Um, we bring her here

and we tell her the truth.

Riley, no.

That's a terrible idea.

Not when we're trying to expand.

And we can't risk having her

write about it.

We'll sound like

a mom-and-pop shop.

But we are a mom-and-pop--

This is a family business.

And since I'm in charge,

no legal action.

Where are you going?

To improve my mental state.

-Come on, Sarah.

-Okay.

Hey, Jones, what do you think

about a dog?

Yeah, me too.

But maybe they're right.

Maybe I should go look, hmm?

-[dog barking]

-[Riley] Get rid of it!

Get rid of it, get rid of it,

before he eats your hand.

-[Sarah] Go get it!

-[Riley] Nice one!

-Fergus, come here.

-Why can't we adopt Fergus?

-He's been here for, like, ever.

-You know why, stinker.

What's Mom's one rule

about me taking you here?

[Sarah & Riley]

No stowaways.

[Riley]

Exactly. Fergus, come here.

-[Sarah] Come on. Come on.

-[Riley] All right, ready?

-[Sarah] Go get it.

-[Riley] Nice one.

[Sarah]

Aw, good boy.

So, like, why can't I throw

as far as you?

Um, maybe it has something to do

with me being, like,

-super manly!

-[laughs]

Hi! Are you looking

to adopt a dog?

-Because Fergus needs a home.

-Maybe. Yeah.

-Hey.

-Hey.

Do you remember, um...

I'm not sure.

Something about you seems...

-Fishy?

-"Dolphin-ately."

[all laugh]

[stammering]

[Sarah]

What does that mean?

[Kip]

I have a hermit crab.

-Cool.

-Yeah. Named Jones.

He was my first pet.

So a dog just feels like

this huge step

up the commitment ladder.

[Riley]

Yeah, I mean, well...

Uh, I guess I work from home,

so it's pretty easy.

Oh, I wish

I could do that,

but my boss,

he takes micromanagement

to a whole new level.

Oh, a nano-manager?

[laughs]

A pico-manager.

[Sarah]

Hey, Riley, watch this.

One, two, three.

[grunts and laughs]

Oh, my gosh, that was amazing!

-[laughs]

-She loves cartwheels.

Mm.

So are you, like,

a cool dad

that lets his daughter call him

by his first name?

-[laughs]

-What?

No, no, no,

I'm like a...

You know, a very cool

much older brother

who is just happy

when his sister calls him

by his actual name

instead of one of the thousands

of kind of rude nicknames

that she has for me, so...

Yeah, kids are brutal.

Yeah.

Hey, so...

super awkward transition.

Are you, uh, seeing anyone?

Like an apparition?

-[chuckles]

-Or like a therapist?

Or a boyfriend?

Uh...

Any. All.

No.

To all.

Kind of a disappointment.

If you saw ghosts,

that would be cool.

So, uh, I don't know.

Maybe we could...

We could, uh...

Sometime, we could...

-I don't know...

-Bus!

Oh, uh, thanks.

[Sarah]

Please adopt Fergus next time.

Yeah, I'll...

I'll think about it, okay?

Um...

Bye!

Hey, what's wrong?

I just-- I...

I didn't get a chance

to ask her out.

I know.

It's because you have zero game.

Now, you have to give it

back to her.

Boom.

Who are you?

I'm your amazing sister.

Period.

[humming]

[reporter]

Do you know her socially?

[Marco] What? It wouldn't

be appropriate.

You heard it here first, folks.

Channel 8 news.

This is Janine,

signing--

What are you

doing tonight, Janine?

Cut.

[cell phone vibrates]

Hey.

Did Marco finally get arrested

for felony-level assholery?

[Meta] Not this time.

They're here for you.

-Oh.

-Side door, LB's waiting.

Great, I lost my badge again.

[Marco]

She's just late.

She does soup kitchen stuff

in the mornings.

As if!

-[laughs]

-What a scrote.

[Janine]

And do you know Miss Parsons?

Oh, absolutely, I know her.

She's like...

She's like my assistant.

His assistant?

That's it, I'm k*lling him.

Wait, wait, wait,

this is the best part.

[Janine]

Do you know her socially?

Of course not.

We work together.

It wouldn't be appropriate.

-Ugh.

-Right!

Like he hasn't tried to bone

every girl in the office.

Except, you know, you.

-Yeah, it's taken.

-What, the whole thing?

-Yeah.

-But there's a girl in there.

Yeah, I know.

Perhaps you should consider

holding a press conference.

No, no. Do a live AMA.

-All right, I...

-What'd I say?

-I have to go!

-Well, go to the fifth floor.

The fifth floo--?

I don't know

how to set up an AMA.

I'll set it up.

Tomorrow, 9:00 a.m.

In the conference room.

-Sure.

-Okay, let's go.

[Meta]

Oh, you're still here.

-[Kevin] Thank God.

-You're safe now.

I think we got most of them.

Just watch your back.

[sighs]

Good night.

[sighs]

Okay.

-[sighs]

-Riley?

Kip. Hey.

Um, hey, you left this

at the dog orphan--

The, um, the shelter.

Right. Thank you.

Yeah.

Oh.

Was that your bus?

-Yeah.

-Oh.

Um...

Are you doing anything?

Like, right now?

[Riley]

So, we're really leaning heavily

-into the fish thing, huh?

-[Kip laughs]

[Kip]

It's the new VR aquarium.

I thought it was topical.

Or tropical.

[both laugh]

Oh, well, we got, uh,

like two hours until they close.

-So...

-That's a cool watch.

It's synced to the atomic,

of course.

It's binary? For real?

Yeah, naturally.

[Kip]

Sharks are so cool.

They've been around

since the dinosaurs.

[Riley] Well, yeah, they

basically haven't had to evolve

because they're, like,

perfect creatures.

I know, even shark embryos

can sense danger approaching,

and they stop moving.

I actually

read this study

where a scientist

followed a female shark

for, like, 20 years.

And they found

that they returned

to where they were born...

-To give birth.

-...to give birth, yeah.

-I'm a geek.

-Same here.

Yeah, I have, like,

all these totally random,

useless facts floating around

in my head,

and then half the time

I can't even remember

it's my mom's birthday.

But that's boring. I'm boring.

Tell me more about you.

Oh, no, I'm significantly

more boring.

Well, I don't

believe that at all.

I mean, for starters, you...

You wrangle fish.

Oh, that's true. Yeah.

It's a gift.

A calling, really.

And, um, and you don't drive,

so you're, like, what,

a greenie?

Not really.

My car got stolen.

Oh, my God.

Do you think the police

are gonna find it?

Probably not.

It's been two years.

-Oh.

-[chuckles]

[Kip] It's just a whole thing,

getting a new car.

[Riley]

Well, I mean, it could be easy.

I actually have a CarMax app

on my phone.

We can get you one

right now.

They have all different

colors of cars now.

You can get blue ones

and red ones.

-You could do like a pink car.

-Wow.

-Wow.

-Yellow.

Wow, you know a lot

of colors.

Yeah, well, it's like

a hobby of mine.

It's just memorizing

different color names.

-I have a weird hobby.

-What's that?

I make templates

for windup toys,

and then I upload them

so people can print them

from their 3D printers.

That is so cool.

Thanks.

Oh, puffer fish.

[Riley]

Oh. There he is.

Fang's cousins.

You know, because...

Oh, that's--

Oh, I see.

Yeah, no, that's--

Well, we should maybe...

-To commemorate.

-[laughs] Okay.

-To Fang.

-To Fang.

[camera shutters click]

[Kip]

Wow, this is a fancy car.

[Riley]

Yeah, it's my brother's.

It's a lot.

-Okay, controversial question.

-Hmm?

Episodes Four, Five, Six.

Luke or Han?

Luke or Han what?

Who's your dream

Star Wars guy?

Sweet, earnest Luke,

or bad boy Han?

Oh. Neither.

What?

Neither Han nor Luke

is the perfect man

in OG Star Wars.

That title undeniably belongs

to Chewbacca.

-[snickers]

-Don't laugh.

Okay, wait, so...

Sorry, big, hairy Chewie?

Oh, my goodness, yes.

You know, he's loyal.

Just turn up here.

[Riley]

Oh, okay. So big, hairy, loyal.

Which is why

you're looking for a dog.

He's macho, but he's not afraid

to show his feelings.

And he hates being away

from the people that he loves.

Who just happen to be

of the male persuasion.

-Which is fine...

-[gasps] No way.

-It's not a bad thing.

-Chewie? No.

Chewie's totally straight.

Uh, just turn up there,

and then it's another block up.

And the best part

about Chewie?

He wears nothing

except for that g*n belt.

Oh, a g*n belt.

Now I know what I'm doing wrong.

Mm-hmm.

Who says you're doing

anything wrong?

Oh, just, you know,

when I go on dates,

uh, I just seem to always

do something wrong.

Yeah. Me too.

My last date, I asked the guy

who, outside the MCU,

could hold Thor's hammer.

Easy. Janet from The Good Place.

Oh, uh...

[reporter]

Oh, there she is. Miss Parsons!

Actually, no,

Can you go around the back?

You need to go around the back.

[Riley]

What's going on?

[reporter]

Miss Parsons! Got it.

[gear stick cranks]

Is there something

you're not telling me?

No! Uh, well, yes.

It's just...

It's embarrassing.

Look, it was just a bad day

involving my bad boss

and his bad habits.

I blended up some margaritas,

and before I knew it,

I signed up for online dating.

Not the apps.

Just that I Promise thing.

So you signed up drunk?

Yeah. But that's not

the embarrassing part.

Oh, I mean...

-Just...

-No.

The embarrassing part

is that they rejected me.

Yeah. There I was going lower

than I thought I'd ever go,

and then they said

I was unmatchable, so...

And I got pissed off,

so I wrote a blog about it.

And I didn't expect

anybody to read it,

and then it kind of took off,

and now the company's

calling me a liar.

It's just all gotten

really ugly.

It was like they knew me

and they still thought I sucked.

Well, I...

Yeah.

It's weird. It's fine.

I'm gonna do

an AMA thing tomorrow.

and I'm gonna get everybody

to just stop talking

about it.

I don't want

to talk about it anymore.

[sighs]

You think I'm whacked.

[laughs]

I think you're

a little whacked.

And a little wonderful.

You're really a nice guy,

you know that?

Even if you think Chewie plays

for the home team.

[both laugh]

I had lot of fun

with you tonight.

Me too.

[vehicle approaching]

Crap. Uh, I got to go.

[sighs]

[Ivy]

Anything?

[sighs]

I finally found her application,

but I haven't found any record

that we actually replied to her.

I've been through this

a hundred times.

I thought we auto-checked

and sent replies to everyone.

We did, and I'm telling you,

we...

We have no record of sending

a response to her.

A match report, nothing.

Okay, but it's a computer,

right?

So all the info is in there.

It's just a matter

of pulling it out, right?

Thank you, Steve Jobs.

Riley, just tell us.

Is it possible

she's telling the truth?

No.

No, I-I test everything,

every change.

There is a very slim chance

that she didn't receive

any response at all,

but there is no code in here

to reject her or anyone.

No way.

-[sighs]

-[typing]

Guess what?

I'm doing an online talk thing

Probably gonna t*nk,

but I bought a new shirt

just in case.

What do we think? Hmm?

And I even put

some eye gunk on.

Huh.

But the big news

is I went on a date

with the fish cowboy.

I know. I know.

I really like him.

So...

All right, I gotta go.

Wish me luck.

Hey.

Oh, no one showed?

Yes.

Nobody cares.

As predicted.

What? What's so funny?

What don't I know?

It's because LB

set up a waiting room.

-They're all in there.

-How many people?

Five... hundred.

The maximum allowed.

Filled up over an hour ago.

No. Not doing it.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

-I'm not doing it.

-I don't want to do it.

-[shushing]

That's too much.

I'm not doing it!

Breathe. You got this.

I don't know

what I'm gonna say.

-Didn't you prepare something?

-No, I didn't prepare something.

I didn't think that far ahead,

mentally.

What's that black sh*t

on your eyes, dude?

[all]

Shut up!

I can't do this alone.

Who says you're doing it alone?

Okay.

Okay.

-Let them in.

-All right.

I'm good.

She has a posse?

For a girl

who can't find a date,

she's got options.

They're her friends.

What? She told me about them.

[Kip]

Good morning.

Um, thank you for coming.

I'm sorry, I'm really nervous.

I didn't expect so many of you

to show up.

But, um, as my friends say,

when you put something

on the Internet,

you take your chances, right?

Um, I've had so many

wonderful messages

from so many of you.

Uh, I wish that I could just

match you all with one another.

But I came on here to say that,

thank you,

but I would like all of this

to stop now, okay?

Lots of hands up.

-What?

-Lots of hands up.

Oh. Oh.

Okay, uh, yeah. I'll take--

I'll take some questions.

Kip, Annie, from "Spill the with Annie Lee."

We would love to have you

on the show to interview.

No. Please stop asking.

It would be so good for your

blog's brand awareness, and--

[sound muted]

Kip, what do you have to say

to all the other unmatchables

out there?

Uh, I guess to ignore

labels like that.

But have you given up on love?

No, um, I haven't.

Actually, uh, I met

an amazing guy this week.

So maybe love can find anyone,

even us unmatchables.

[woman]

Kip, I love your blog.

I'm definitely

Team Unmatchable.

Can you tell us what I Promise

said in the rejection email?

You know what? I'd rather not

relive that particular moment.

Oh.

Kip, is online dating a scam?

Look, we are the online

generation, right?

We work, and shop, watch movies,

and express ourselves

creatively.

Some of us

maybe a bit too much.

Uh, so I think that you can

find love online,

I just think you might want

to use a different company

than I Promise.

Go.

[phone beeps off]

Kip Parsons?

-You've been served.

-What?

It's a temporary

restraining order

barring you from discussing

I Promise or risk arrest.

What did you do?

Riley, you said it yourself.

Either she believes

she was rejected,

or else she's a master liar.

In either case,

she's a very troubled girl.

And this is how you thought

you'd help her?

After I explicitly

asked you not to?

She's gonna destroy our business

if we don't stop her.

Dad ran the numbers,

and it's not good.

Let me ask you something,

since we're talking about truth.

When was the last time we once,

just once told her the truth

about who we are?

About who I am?

Those were business

decisions.

Well, when did we become

that kind of business, Dad?

[sighs]

No, you know what?

I started this company

because I was so tired

of working for shitty,

sleazy people.

And now here I am,

working with more--

Riley.

You're fired.

You're all fired.

Hey, hey, Riley, come on.

No, I'm serious.

You're fired. Go.

I mean it. Go.

Leave.

-Hey, Law & Order girl.

-[Kip] Hmm?

-Did you check your code in yet?

-Tomorrow.

I'm reading about

temporary restraining orders.

[Meta, laughing]

Is this your first?

Yes.

Are they really

gonna send me to jail?

Well, not if you avoid

saying "I Promise."

Which you could do by staying

in your cube and working.

Hey, dude, dude.

You got to get on Twitter.

If I wanted to listen to people

yell, I'd go visit my parents.

Look, look, look.

Some guy named Michael Rex

made a fan account for you.

Look, it has 92,000 followers

already.

Michael Rex?

Oh, I dated this guy in college

for, like, five minutes.

You better hope he doesn't have

any indiscreet pictures of you.

-Ooh, does he?

-No! Jeez.

[clicking mouse button]

Are any of those important?

No, it's just guys

asking me for dates.

And they all send pictures.

Any decent ones?

You tell me.

-[all] Oh!

-The hell's wrong with you?

You cannot show us some dude's

tackle without warning.

Oh, really? That's the sound

of every woman on the Internet

rolling her eyes.

Seriously, Kip,

you gotta delete those.

You can't have pictures

like that on your work computer.

Oi, oi. Pictures like what?

[all] Nothing.

Are they naughty ones?

Ugh.

Are your 15 minutes up yet?

Marco, I never intended--

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

You're not a victim.

You set this into motion,

and you kept it up

at every turn.

I don't know if you're doing it

to spite me,

or you just want attention.

I give up, Marco.

How is this possibly about you?

It is about me,

because we're releasing

tomorrow,

and you still haven't checked in

your code for the build.

And that, sweetheart,

has everything to do with me

and my department.

You're right.

I'm gonna work all night.

I'll get it done.

[sighs]

[car alarm chirps]

[exhales]

[typing]

[Riley whistling]

[laughs]

Hey. What are you doing here?

Oh, I am taking you to dinner?

Ugh, 404. I have a deadline.

Come on, it'll be fast.

We can go get sushi.

You're over-embracing

this fish theme a little bit.

Please come out with me.

I just...

I'd love to talk to you,

and I'll bring you right back.

We'll get takeout,

and then... yeah.

Okay.

Crap. You're married?

-No.

-Gay?

Ryan Reynolds confuses me,

but no.

Convicted felon?

[laughs]

Not convicted.

Oh, this is a friend-zoning

session, isn't it?

No. No, absolutely not.

[sighs]

Listen, just hear me out, okay?

Two years ago,

I quit my awful job

working with awful people

because I wanted

to start my own company.

And when I left my awful job,

I told myself

that from here on out,

I only wanted

to work with people

who were super talented,

but also ethical people,

right?

So I hired my mom and dad.

And I hired my brother

and his husband.

And it was great.

But then today, I-I realized

we've become a company

that I hate.

And, um...

I fired everyone.

Whoa.

And the reason I'm telling you

this is because...

-[cell phone ringing]

-Oh, my God.

[sighs]

Hold on one second.

I'm sorry.

Hey, look,

I don't want to talk about it.

Which hospital?

Okay, I'm on my way.

Is everything okay?

Um, no.

Um, you can take the car

to get home.

No, it's okay.

I take the bus all the time.

Don't worry about it.

Get in there.

Oh, Riley. Riley.

Riley?

Riley.

The good news is that

she didn't have a stroke.

-They're still running tests--

-Riley.

What the hell is she doing here?

-Dad, she doesn't know.

-Hey, you dropped your phone.

Thanks. Um...

I think you need to leave.

You know what? Don't worry.

I'll-I'll-I'll just, uh...

-I'll explain it to you later.

-Okay.

I'll...

-I'll call you soon.

-Sure.

What are you doing here?

How's Mom?

Mom?

-[Riley] Kip, I can explain.

-Mom?

-Oh, no.

-Kip, no, let me explain.

-This is...

-Oh, I'm so stupid.

-No, no.

-I'm so stupid.

[Riley]

Kip!

I'll be always falling

Yeah

Only to rise

And fall again

Kip. Hi.

I'm Raina from...

[both]

Spilling the Tea with Annie Lee.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Are you my stalker now?

Look, she's doing

a show tomorrow...

Actually, today.

...and she is desperate

to have you on.

I have a restraining order

against me right now,

which is a sentence I never

thought I would say in my life.

But the result is, I will not

be spilling any tea.

Okay, but you don't have

to mention I Promise.

Just... just talk about

the challenges of finding love

as a woman in this digital age.

Raina, I'm not good

at this stuff.

I get really wound up,

and then I just say things

I don't want to,

and I get into a situation

I don't want to be in.

Yeah, and that's why

people love you.

Kip, you speak

so many people's truths.

They're listening.

You should use your voice.

Are those Croc earrings?

Yeah. I love Crocs.

Don't tell my boss.

She would k*ll me.

Okay, I'll make a deal.

I have a friend.

His name is Sanjay.

He is a really sweet guy

with a good heart.

You go for a coffee with him,

I'll do your show.

-Just coffee?

-Just coffee.

And if I check

offender databases?

Oh, my God, no.

Not there. I swear.

Deal?

Okay. Yes.

-Yes. Deal.

-Great.

Go home.

-Hey, Kip?

-Yes?

What happened

to that nice guy you met?

Uh...

turned out he wasn't that nice.

[typing]

Come on.

Come on.

You know, Jones,

in retrospect,

this has been the crappiest day

of my life.

[sighs]

But I know what you're thinking.

"Suck it up, Kipper,

and get me a grape."

Jones?

No, no, no, no, no.

No.

[sniffles]

No.

Jones.

[crying softly]

[typing]

[cell phone vibrates]

I can't believe you're not

going to fight this.

I missed the deadline.

We all miss deadlines.

There were naked guys

on my computer.

We all have naked guys

on our computers.

Look, my Internet presence

was becoming disruptive.

Come on, guys,

this was inevitable.

Marco read some management book

about getting rid

of the competition,

and I just gave him

a way to do it.

Because f*ring our favorite lead

is the best way

to rally the team.

Hey, Kip, you know,

I'm old enough

to have been there

for "fight the power"

and "stick it to the man."

Are you sure

about doing this show?

You know, you talk about

wanting this all to be over,

and then you turn around

and poke the bear again.

Well, Meta, I made a promise,

and there's nothing else

left to lose.

Look at me.

There's always more to lose.

Always.

Be nice to the replacement,

okay?

And clean your desk

from time to time,

-for everyone's sake.

-I will.

A woman named Raina

will text you.

Go out with her.

Please wear matching socks.

I'm gonna miss you most of all,

Scarecrow.

Ah, you'll be back.

You'll see.

So I'm just gonna say, uh,

"See you later, kiddo."

I got fired,

so I won't be able to see you

every morning anymore.

Okay then.

It's been really nice chatting

to you for all these years.

I mean,

I'm gonna come by when I can,

it just won't be every morning.

You know, right now would be

a really good time

for, like, a Yoda moment.

Or some advice?

Anything?

Cool.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen.

Now, I know you're upset

about me letting Kip go,

but I'm still your boss.

Giving me the Gandhi treatment

ain't a power move here.

I can fire you all.

You know, as soon as the next

release is out.

And, and, and you train

your replacements.

Guys?

Guys?

Guys, look,

this is just childish.

Well, uh,

it's good we had this talk.

So... yeah.

Yeah, get back to work.

And you too.

Is calling me Gandhi r*cist?

I like how he said

he let her go,

like she was trapped and

he released her into the wild.

You fired her,

you bearded fruit bat!

[LB] Hey, your car got

a big trunk, right?

[Riley]

Um, ahem, hello.

Uh, is-- Is Kip Parsons here?

Nope. Not since they fired her.

She got fired?

Who are you?

My name's Riley Detamore.

I'm... Well, I guess

I'm kind of a friend...

Uh, nice chicken.

That's Grimaldi QR model?

We love meeting couples

who have found love,

but remember, not everyone

gets a happy ending.

-[Raina] Stop fidgeting.

-Our next guest...

You look beautiful.

I feel awkward.

Graceful.

Dorky.

[sighs]

-Like a gazelle.

-Hmm.

Just remember, you're live.

Watch what you're saying.

Got it.

Please welcome my special guest,

Kip Parsons.

Oh, wait. Any bats in the cave?

All clear.

Thanks to Wild Mountain Chai

for providing us

with our tea today.

You can taste the mountain air

in every sip.

Oh, and please don't forget

to subscribe.

[laughs]

Kip, it's lovely

to finally put a face

to your name.

-Many of us unmatchables...

-She almost looks like a...

...feel like we know you

already.

...like a girl.

How has this all been for you?

She looks beautiful.

[all] Shut up.

-Guys, grow up.

-[Annie] I bet.

You've gone from lowly

computer programmer

to woman's spokesperson

in a week.

Of course, as you know,

the dating service...

Which I cannot name.

...because they're taking

legal action against you...

Okay, you are ready to go,

but we have some things

to go over.

[all shush]

I'm sure you've heard

the rumors.

You can't actually prove

that the dating service

rejected you.

Uh, I could.

But why should I have to?

Well, see, you keep dodging

the question,

and that makes me question

whether it really happened,

or whether this

is a publicity stunt.

Publicity for what?

I'm-I'm...

I'm just a normal person.

I'm not trying

to sell anything.

[Annie] But why would I Promise

come after you

unless they knew you couldn't

back up your claims?

You know why, Annie?

Big guys taking on the one

person telling the truth.

It happens every day,

and it's so easy

to hide behind lawyers,

and getting other people

to do your dirty work.

I'm standing here, alone,

talking about my experiences,

and I'm the one

going to court.

And she's off.

I mean, Dirk didn't serve me

those papers.

He knew where I was.

And his brother Riley,

he definitely knew.

But they were too afraid

to man up and face me.

You know what?

Just once, Annie, just once,

I would like to see someone

from that company say,

"Hey, we made a mistake.

We're sorry."

But they will never do that.

Because that's not

the kind of people they are,

and it's not the kind of company

I Promise is.

[door opens]

No. Stop!

[officer]

Kip Parsons...

you're under arrest for

violating a restraining order.

Oh, no.

Did you know about this?

No, I...

[handcuffs click]

[door closes]

I...

I don't know what to say.

I...

We're gonna end it here

for us today,

and I will report back once

I get to the bottom of this.

-[Ivy] Wait.

- [Annie] I'm Annie Lee.

Aren't you supposed to explain

the discharge plan to me?

Figure it out yourself.

It's not that hard.

I promise.

[camera beeps]

Oh, my God, Annie.

Where did the cops come from?

I-I didn't let them in.

I'm so sorry.

They were in my back room

the whole time.

Wait, you set this all up?

I knew she wouldn't be able

to keep her mouth shut.

I was counting on it.

Now I'm gonna go watch

my view count go up.

[scoffs]

[indistinct chattering]

[door lock beeps]

Y'all have fun now.

-[Riley] I need to talk to her.

-Yeah, well,

only a lawyer can get in

to talk to her now.

Maybe it's time

she got a lawyer.

Funeral home's two doors down.

[Riley] Uh, we're actually

Kip Parsons' attorneys.

Firm?

Dorkus...

Knapsack...

Ruffles...

and Crocs.

[all laughing]

That's good.

You know, I call my ex

"the appendix."

He caused me a lot of pain,

gave me a few scars,

but once he was gone,

I figured out

I didn't need him anyway.

[all laugh]

Okay, okay, I have one.

Chewbacca: straight or gay?

[all] Straight.

-Yes.

-Oh, man!

-And that g*n belt?

-[gasps]

-[woman 1] Come on, now.

-[woman 2] Damn.

That's what I said!

Kip Parsons?

-Yeah?

-Your lawyer's here.

What? I don't have a lawyer.

Well, now you got a whole firm.

[laughing]

Oh, my God, guys!

This has been crazy.

So, what's the plan?

-Meta...

-It's gonna be okay.

We'll, uh...

We'll wait outside.

Kip, we gotta get you

out of here.

Well, you put me in here.

No, it...

It was my parents.

It wasn't me.

And that's because

they were scared

and they didn't know you.

Oh, okay. And you do?

You're just like me.

-Kip, you got to believe me.

-Why?

Riley, you lied to me.

Over and over.

What I told you was true.

Okay, I used to work for this

super sleazy dating app company,

and I left to start my own

because I wanted to build

something with integrity.

So I coded everything,

you know, from the ground up.

And that's how I know

that you didn't get rejected.

And it's okay

that you made that up.

I didn't make it up!

I didn't make it up.

And if you think I made it up,

then you don't know me at all.

-Kip, I--

-I should have gotten the dog.

He would have been

more trustworthy.

Uh, there's been a mistake.

They're not on my side, so...

[Dennis]

You fired them all?

-I fired them all.

-[Dennis laughs]

You think they'll be

at the hearing tomorrow?

Yeah. Probably. Oh, hey.

Oh, all right. Have fun.

You should have gotten

a smaller dog.

[scoffs]

Yeah.

[laughs]

Remember when that used to be

your standard

placeholder error message?

Stack overflow.

Get a dog.

Null pointer exception?

"Get a dog."

[laughs]

Holy sh*t balls.

What?

Come on, I need your help.

Excuse me.

[bailiff]

All rise.

The Honorable Judge Wilks

presiding.

Be seated.

Well, I've got to be honest.

You know, I've been sitting

up here a long time,

and I don't believe I have ever

been quite this popular before.

Sir?

You ordering a pizza, sir?

I'll call you back.

Your Honor, we would like

to respectfully...

Settle down.

I know why we're here.

I read every little piece

of paper that you gave me.

Miss Parsons?

Yes, sir?

[Wilks]

Sit down, please.

I'm thinking I should probably

explain how this all works,

as it appears that your counsel

may not be the finest

this city has to offer.

[camera shutter clicks]

Temporary restraining orders

are issued ex parte,

which basically means

anyone can get one.

As for the other party--

You, in this case.

--doesn't have much of a say.

But today is your chance

to convince me

that this restraining order

shouldn't be made permanent.

Whereas the folks over there

are gonna try to convince me

that they should.

Now I've read

all they had to say.

It sure sounds like

you've been mouthing off a bit.

Yeah.

I do that now.

I used to be nicer.

Sorry.

Well, why don't you

just scoot yourself up here

and tell me all about it?

Okay.

Do you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth,

so help you God?

-I do.

-Be seated.

Miss Parsons, you signed up

with an online matchmaker.

Yes, sir.

And in their advertising,

this dating service implied

they can find at least one man

to go to dinner with you.

-Correct?

-Well, they did more than imply.

Their company name

is literally "I Promise,"

and their slogan is...

Yes, sorry, sir.

Well, I think we all

agree so far.

But here's where

our paths diverge.

You say they rejected you.

But you have no proof.

And yet, you're still

talking about it,

despite the restraining order.

How was your night

in our fine facility?

Not my best, Your Honor.

Your Honor,

we did not ask the police

to arrest Miss Parsons,

and regret that she had to spend

the night in jail.

[Wilks]

It's hard to imagine

who else would have

a vested interest

in seeing Miss Parsons

go through that ordeal.

I know who.

Sit your ass down.

And what is your name,

young lady?

Raina Suryanarayama.

And your role in this

twisted little drama is?

Well, I was Annie Lee's

assistant...

until yesterday,

when I quit.

She was the one who had

the police on standby

because she wanted Kip

to be arrested live.

And which one of you is Annie?

It's all about the followers,

sir.

Bailiff, please escort Miss Lee

from my courtroom.

On what grounds?

Well on the grounds

that just you piss me off.

[laughter]

Bye-bye now.

Ooh, ooh-hoo

Ooh, ooh

Miss Parsons, if we knew

what the message said,

then the folks at I Promise

say they would be happy to prove

that there's no rejection

message like that

in the system.

But since you can't tell me

what the message said...

I can tell you exactly

what the message said.

I thought you said

you deleted it.

I'll remember that message

until the day I die.

Well, let's hear it, please.

It's just really embarrassing.

Miss Parsons?

I'm gonna have to rule

against you.

Look, Your Honor,

I didn't do anything wrong here.

And this is just often

what happens with women.

You know,

everyone calls me a liar

because I told the truth.

I don't know what you...

[sighs]

[Wilks]

I am sorry.

But I'm gonna have to ask you

to be honest just one last time.

"Unmatchable.

You're a nerd and a loser.

No one will ever

find you attractive.

Take our advice.

Give up on love and get a dog

so you don't die alone."

[spectators gasp and murmur]

Damn.

[Riley]

Wait...

I Promise would like to drop

the restraining order,

Your Honor.

Miss Parsons

is telling the truth.

And you are?

Uh, I'm Riley Detamore.

I programmed

the I Promise system.

And the...

The message is real, Your Honor.

Oh, no.

-[Wilks] Keep talking.

-[Riley] Well,

when I initially coded

the I Promise system,

I-I used myself

as a test subject.

That message, Kip...

it was meant for me.

I guess I just...

I forgot to delete the code.

And I didn't think of it

until Dennis reminded me

that the initial test response

was, "Get a dog."

And then I thought about us,

and-- And Fergus.

And I realized why you were

trying to get a dog

in the first place.

The reason why that message

never triggered is because...

no one ever signed up

that was like me.

You know...

weird, I guess.

Like me.

Until now.

Riley...

I'm so sorry, Kip.

You were telling the truth

the whole time, and I...

I didn't believe you.

Can you please forgive me?

No.

Miss Parsons...

Kip...

I'm the one who escalated this.

Not Riley.

Please don't hold a grudge

against my son.

I'm not holding a grudge,

Miss Detamore.

I'm trying to set a boundary.

You really hurt me.

So why would I give you

a chance to do it again?

As much as I would like

to see what happens next,

my job is to keep

this room moving.

So if no one

has anything else...

I'm gay!

[spectators murmuring]

And I'm married to David.

What?

Oh, come on.

How could you not know?

I went back in the closet

because I thought it would hurt

my brother's business

to have a gay,

married spokesman.

But Kip's right.

Truth matters.

And that's all.

I'm so proud of you.

Well, thanks for that,

my friend.

You have my sincere hope

that no one cares.

Anyone else like to share?

No?

Okay.

If there are no

further objections,

I am declaring the order void.

[cheers and applause]

[Kip]

Sorry, Jones.

You were the best roommate ever.

[knock on door]

Kip, come on. Please open up.

-Go away.

-[sighs]

[gasps]

[screams]

Kip? Are you okay?

-[pounding on door]

-Open the door!

My crab, he's immortal.

Oh. What?

Jones d*ed,

but now he's in there.

Well, was he just lying there,

like, out of his shell?

And did he just molt?

Oh. I guess so.

He's never done that before.

I thought he was dead.

See, he can't grow

in his old skin,

so he has to shed it.

Actually, fun fact

about hermit crabs--

I'm doing that nerd thing again.

I'll stop.

Jones, uh,

I am so proud of you.

That must have hurt

like a bitch.

You just do your thing in there,

and I'm gonna get you

something special,

like a real pineapple.

Okay, you can leave now.

Question 82.

Question 82 on the I Promise

questionnaire.

"What's one thing

that you will always regret?"

You know, I felt a little weird

writing that question

because I didn't

have an answer for it.

I mean, I should floss more,

but...

Anyway...

just...

now I'll have something I regret

for the rest of my life.

Also, the Immortal Crabs is the

name of my new calypso band.

[Kip]

And I haven't seen him since.

I'm not mad anymore.

I'm just...

I don't know.

I did all of that for nothing.

I lost my job.

My dignity.

My privacy.

And for what?

I've spent my life feeling like

no one really gets me.

Like I'm not enough.

But with Riley...

With Riley, I felt enough.

Then he's the one.

Hi.

You're enough, Kip.

The real question is...

Is he?

[laughs]

I guess I got to stop

tucking away my weirdness, huh?

[both chuckle]

Yes.

See if he can keep up.

[cell phone dings]

Can we talk?

[Kip]

Let's go. Come on.

Come on.

-Hey.

-Hey.

Oh, my God! Is this Fergus?

Yeah. Someone--

I can't remember who.

--suggested that I get a dog.

[giggles]

Too soon?

Kip.

So, this is it.

Corporate headquarters.

Also known as my house.

If you'll excuse us,

we have that appointment.

[Phil]

Right. We have to see that guy.

-What guy?

-Uh, about that thing.

Ahem.

[Ivy chuckles nervously]

[Sarah]

Bye, guys.

Oh, they're not very good

at pretending

that they have

other things to do.

I feel-- I mean,

I'm embar-- I'm embar--

Oh, dear.

Yeah, uh...

Okay, now I'm really

embarrassed.

Uh, Mom, I think that's...

Yeah, so, Mom, I think now

is probably a good time to...

-Um...

-Oh, I-I-I'm going.

-I'm going.

-Okay.

Can I show you my office?

It's kind of cool.

-Sure.

-All right, I'll show you.

[panting]

So I took my own advice

and got a dog.

That's Odin.

You asked me here to talk,

so talk.

Um...

[sighs]

Kip, I-I didn't...

Kip, that message

wasn't meant for you.

I would never say anything

like that to you,

or anyone else.

But you did.

You said it about yourself,

and that's not okay.

[chuckles lightly

We hospitalized my mom.

Yeah.

We traumatized

an innocent fish.

Mm-hmm. I got fired.

I destroyed my company.

I got both served and arrested

live on the Internet.

We have a terrible record.

We're a dumpster fire.

But if there's any way

that we can...

[Kip] In the end, I Promise did

match me with my perfect man.

The man I adore.

[panting]

After the trial, Raina

and Sanjay got coffee together.

Then dinner.

Then breakfast.

I Promise did survive,

and eventually

Riley rehired his family.

Of course, under the condition

they will never send

another client to jail,

and that I Promise brand

wasn't skyscrapers

and supermodels,

but helping people find a home.

A family.

However they define it.

Riley also hired

his friend Dennis.

And Raina, who has them all

next-level organized.

It didn't take long

for my CEO to realize

who was actually doing all

the work Marco took credit for.

Soon after, Marco himself was

released back into the wild.

They offered me his position.

I accepted,

as long as they paid me

exactly one dollar more

than he made.

Riley became

an important member

of our zombie strike team.

And a few more

members joined too.

Business boomed after Dirk

made several TV appearances.

Apparently not that many people

come out, go back in,

then come out again

in a courtroom.

Love is love,

and we all need help

finding it.

"With that in mind,

please listen to these words.

From one unmatchable

to another.

Don't tuck away

your weirdness for anyone.

Someone is out there,

waiting for you.

And they will love you,

not in spite

of how you really are,

but because of it."

I promise.

[all yelling]

I see it in your eyes

It's where forever starts

Your love is like the sky

So wide and deep

And near and far

I want to be close to you

And feel my feet

Rising off the ground

I'm gonna hold on to you

Hand in hand

Here we go again

'Cause you take me higher

'Cause you take me higher

And I won't let go

'Cause the world is ours

Tonight

I see it in your smile

It's where forever starts

Your love is like a fire

Burning wide and deep

And near and far

I want to be close to you

And feel my feet

Rising off the ground

I'm gonna hold on to you

Hand in hand

Here we go again

'Cause you take me higher

'Cause you take me higher

'Cause you take me higher

'Cause you take me higher

And I won't let go

'Cause the world is ours

Tonight