02x04 - Baby

[bunniefuu]

Hi, darling.

That's a bit unfair. Shouldn't
YOU be giving HIM the piggyback?

Sorry, this is Dylan. Is he with

you? No, we just met down the road.
He asked if I could give him a lift.

He's my grandson.

You're a granddad? Yeah.

- My daughter, Chloe, has a really
- bad stomach ache, and I offered to look after Dylan for the day.

Well, this'll show
my brother he was wrong.

Why? He always said I was
looking for a father figure.

He was out by a whole generation.

♪ Yeah, not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there's no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're NOT going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

Sorry!

England!

England!

England!

THREE KNOCKS AT DOOR

You're supposed to be Germany.

The sport shop was closed.

Don't look at me like that. I paid

top price for this. The lady in the
Cancer Research shop wouldn't budge.

I suppose we're just going to
have to pretend the World

Cup was between England and...

St Thomas Aquinas Secondary Modern.

Let's see it then.

Well, what do you reckon?

I think I'm going to cry.

Hang on, there's more.

And completed on time!

Right, let's kick off.

So, here we are at Wembley for
minutes of uninterrupted drama.

Hi! Pitch invasion.

What's that? I have no idea.

They were handing them out at Marks
And Spencer's with every £ spent.

It's Guy's grandchild.

Shut it!

Who'd have thought?
My sister going out with a granddad.

I should be taking offence by now.

Thank God I forgot to
wear my hearing aid.

So does this make you
a step-granny, Lucy?

Hey, enough of your silly wisecracks.

Show my landlady some respect.

- Would you like a drink, Lucy?
- Yes, please.

What can I get you?
Sherry, Ovaltine, cough sweet?

MOBILE RINGS

Hello.

Oh my God, when?

Wait!

Slow down.

Just slow down.

Can you ask them to speed up again?

OK. Bye.

Oh God! What?

- Chloe's been rushed to hospital, they think it's appendicitis. Can I
- borrow your car? Yeah, of course.

Oh, hang on, I've had a drink.
I'll drive. What about Dylan?

He'll never reach
the steering wheel.

I'm here all weekend,
enjoy the chicken.

He's still fast asleep. We won't be
long. Why don't we leave him here?

I'm not sure about that.

I'm not sure if me and Tim
are ready to have a baby.

We've always been quite
careful in that department,
haven't we, sweetheart?

Yeah, we're both heterosexual
and I find him repulsive.

We'll be fine, honestly, leave
the baby with us. Well, it's not

really fair to wake him up, is it?

Exactly.

Are you sure you guys will be OK?

Yeah, we'll be fine.

We'll be back as quick as we can.

Great. Now we've got a baby.
Well, it's your fault,
you said you were on the pill.

He's been asleep
for over an hour now.

Is that normal?

You don't know anything
about babies, do you?

I know loads actually.
I've been told I have a

natural affinity with infants.

It's probably the jokes.

"He'll never reach the steering
wheel." Oh, how they stared.

Do you think he's OK? Yes.

Do you think he's the right colour?

Well, he's missing some
of Guy's Afro-Caribbean looks,
but apart from that, he's fine.

I meant his complexion.
He's all blotchy looking.

He's like a combination
of red and pale.

Yeah, it's called pink.

It's the standard colour
for some humans.

I reckon it's because his
head's at a funny angle.

All the blood's rushing
to one side of his head.

Do you think that's dangerous?

- Don't be ridiculous. OK, you can
- explain when they want to know why he's suddenly become left-handed.

Stop worrying, he's fine.
He's sleeping like a...

I'm sure there's an expression
for that but I can't think what.

I don't know why people say that.

- If an adult did sleep like a baby, they'd wake up every five minutes,
- screaming, and covered in wee.

How is your nan? All right?

I wish he'd wake up.

What are you doing?
Opening his mouth.

Making sure he can breathe.

If only evolution could create
something nose-like
to take care of that.

I think we should be doing something.

Why don't you make a decision,
drawing on your natural
affinity with infants?

OK. Let's poke him. At least we'll
know if he's breathing or not.

All right, if it stops you fretting.

But I'll do it. I remember
what you did to that Pavlova.

You have the most middle-class way
of insulting people.

You're supposed to be trying to wake
him, not change channels with him.

Let me do it.

BABY CRIES

Oh, great. At least I was
changing channels, not the volume.

Well, at least we can relax now.

CRYING GETS LOUDER

Actually, can you put him
back on stand-by?

Don't worry, she'll be fine.

Appendicitis isn't that serious.

It's one of those
light-hearted illnesses.

All the funny ones end in "itis".

Like, tonsillitis,
cystitis, meningi...
actually, maybe not that one.

What about bronchitis, hepatitis?

Arthritis. Nothing funny
about that one either. Trust me.

You get arthritis?

It doesn't bother you, does it?

No, of course not.

Because it can get
pretty bad on occasions.

Sometimes my fingers get so stiff,

I can hardly take my teeth
out of the glass or put cream
on my trench foot.

It's not full-blown arthritis.
Just a little bit in the winter.

Hopefully it'll never get as bad
as my father's. Fingers crossed.

I didn't mean... Oh.

BABY IS STILL CRYING

Yes. OK. You've made your point.

Please.

Oh, change the record.

Oh, that's an idea.
Yeah, let's put some music on.

Would you like a nice little
sing song, eh?

That's a good idea, isn't it?

♪ I am an anti-Christ!

♪ I am an anarchist!

♪ Don't know what I want
but I know how to get it... ♪

MUSIC OFF

I tell you what, those
Teletubbies can turn, can't they?

Hold him closer to your body.
Like it's a rugby ball.

Rugby wasn't very high on
the curriculum at my comprehensive.

OK, hold him closer,
like it's a stolen handbag.

Maybe he wants to sit down.

CRYING IS VERY LOUD

He looks like a Dalek
with the lid off.

That's an idea, shall we go to space?

Maybe that will calm you down.
Look, Dylan, you're in a space ship.

Shall we go and see some aliens?

I mean the nice type like Mork
and ET, not the hideous type
that jumps out of John Hurt's chest.

Oh, well done!
Why don't I pop The Exorcist on?

Put him on the table.

Maybe he's a football fan.

Please God, let this baby stop crying
and I'll throw away those magazines.

CRYING STOPS

I didn't say all the magazines.

Goal! - !

It's pretty one-sided, mate.
Pull your finger out.

Sorry about the look. We couldn't
get a German kit in your size.

And they say all babies
look like Churchill.

It's about time one
went the other way.

It's a bit tasteless, isn't it? You
should have seen the first costume.

I only changed it because the
little tash kept falling off.

Hello.

I mean, Guten Tag!

Do you reckon you'll ever have kids?
If I ever meet Mrs Right.

- You mean Miss Right.
- Oh, I dunno, I like a challenge.

Right, it's my kick off.

Where's the ball?

It was there a second ago.

Well, it's not now.

Did he have that
Adam's apple before?

He must have swallowed it.

What are we going to do?

It's all right, we'll use a
Malteser instead. It's not funny.

Maybe we should do
the Heimlich Manoeuvre.

The what? You know...

We'll count it as a throw in.

He's not choking.
It might still be in his mouth.
Put your finger in and check.

I'm not putting my
finger in a baby's mouth.

This from a man who once
dipped a Flake in a boiled egg.

Just do it.

Yeah. Hello, Guy, everything's fine.

I'm just checking for footballs.

It's not in there,
he must have swallowed it.

All you had to do was
keep your eye on the baby.

It's not my fault.
Well, whose fault is it? His.

Bloody Germans.

No, no, everything's fine
this end, Guy.

Yeah, he's had his lunch.

Lee fed him.

Oh, yeah, little Dylan loved it.

In fact, he had a ball.

Yeah, we'll ring you if there are
any problems. All right then. Bye.

So what are we gonna do?
There's not much we can do.
It'll come out eventually.

What, the truth or the ball?

The ball.
They can't handle the truth.

Or the ball now, come to think of it.

So how are we going to say it
ended up in his nappy? Hopefully,
by the time they get back,

he'll have done a poo
and we'll have got rid of it.
Did you do biology at school?

It isn't just a straight
drop-down soil pipe in there.

It'll take ages for it to come out.

We need a laxative.

Believe me, the way I'm feeling,

we don't need a laxative.

My nan swears by coconut milk.

Yeah, but your nan swears
that drinking a pint of
brandy a day prevents scurvy.

Tim, can you start showing
a bit more faith in me?

I know you think I'm irresponsible,
but we're talking about a
child's welfare here.

Er, two pints of lager, please.

And he'll have a Coke.

Here you go.

Six jars of coconut milk.

Six? We're not bathing
an Egyptian princess.

What took you so long? I was
in your ice-cream van, wasn't I?

And this fell off.

It hit a kid in the face.

Took a while
to calm his mum down.

Come on. Open your mouth.

Please, I'm not joking,
open your mouth.

Dylan, this is important,
I need you to eat this. It's a
laxative, do you understand me?

I never thought I'd hear you going
over someone's head. Give it to me.

Hey, hey...

Hey, who's a clever boy, eh?
Who likes his coconuts?

Who likes his coconuts, eh?
Do you know?

Do you know who likes his coconuts?
Who likes his coconuts?

Oh, give up, is it Kid Creole?

Just stick it in his gob.

Dylan, I'm a little bit old school,
so you if you don't eat this,
you're grounded.

There'll be no television
or riding your bicycle.

He's eight months old.

Or... breasts.
Yes, that's what we'll do.

We won't allow your mother
to put her breast in your...

You need medical help.

I know! He's not used to
his milk being fed from a spoon.

See? Now I look like a proper mother.

There's a word missing at
the end of that sentence.

Please, Dylan, just eat it.

Otherwise I'm going to tell
Father Christmas you've been evil.
You can't...

Don't undermine my authority.
It's called tough love, Tim.

If you'd had a bit more, you wouldn't

still drink lager with lemonade.

It was it only a question of time
before you found your audience.

Do the one about not reaching
the steering wheel.

You don't think we're
putting him off, do you?

I can never go under pressure.
Even when the doctor asks
for a sample, I struggle.

Yeah, but you're weird.

You have to wait for the gents'
toilets to be empty before
you can use the urinal.

It's a recognised condition.

It's called bashful bladder.

Anyway
I'd rather be like me than you.

What's that's supposed to mean?

Well, you can go anywhere,
can't you?

For the final time, I was drunk
and I'd spilt a cup of tea.

I did not wet the bed.

Don't tell me.
Tell your one night stand.

This is like waiting
for a firework to go off.

Yeah, well don't get too close,
it might go off in your face.

Come on mister, can
we have our ball back?

Wait a minute.
His expression's changing...

Is he pooing?

Either that or he's just
remembered he's left the gas on.

Well, has he done it?

I dunno. Smell his bottom.

You do it! "Put your finger in his
mouth," "Smell his bottom," it's
like being on a Japanese game show!

Oh dear! What does that mean?
Oh dear, he has,
or, oh dear, he hasn't?

Oh yes! For once in my life, sh*t
happens and it's not a bad thing.

Right, just change his nappy, then

you can start panning for the gold.

What do mean, change his nappy?
Why don't you do it? You know what
Confucius said.

"He who feed baby plastic toys
must put hand in smelly poo-poo."

What are you doing?
I'm changing him.

You can't put him face down. What
are you going to do next, cuff him?

Do you want to change him?
No, you don't.

I do everything round here. Change
his nappy, feed him his lunch, get
up in the night and breast-feed him.

And you never make
love to me any more.

Oh, my God...

Well, is there
a Subbuteo ball in there?

There could be a basketball
in there and not see it.

You're going to have to have
a proper rummage.

Please do not make me do this.

Oh, we wouldn't want you breaking a
nail, would we? Pass me that pencil.

What are you going to do?

Write to Jim'll Fix It and ask
for a bloody peg for my nose!

What do you think I'm going to do?

Oh...

This is like
the early stages of X-Factor.

Oh, it's no good, it's not in there.

Hold that.

What are you doing? Putting
his nappy back on before I puke.

You can't put it back on!

It's filthy.
Give it a good scrape first.

Actually forget the scraping.
There's more coming.

We're going to need a bigger pencil.

Well? Still no sign of it.

And you're doing the next one because
the smell is starting to get in here.

He shouldn't be pooing this much.

Hang on. I've just realised...
What have we done? You can't
give a baby nuts. We didn't.

Yes, we did. We gave him coconut.

A coconut's not a nut.

Well it's got the word "nut"
in the title.

So is he allergic to
Knutsford Services as well?

If it's not a nut, what is it?

I don't know,
a woolly mammoth's testicle.

Does it matter what it is?

We didn't give him coconut,
we gave him coconut milk. It comes
from the flesh of the coconut.

No, it doesn't. Where do you think
it comes from?

It's monkey wee.

What?
The monkeys wee in the coconuts.

This is like a special needs edition
of Call My Bluff.

Do you think he really
might be allergic to nuts?

I dunno.

We're going to have
to check with his mum.

Phone Lucy and tell her
to ask this Chloe woman.

- I can't ring up and say, "Don't worry about Dylan,
- he's absolutely fine...

"Oh by the way, is he allergic
to nuts? Or monkey wee?"

Well, we're going to have to go
to the hospital and find a way of
asking ourselves, aren't we? Come on.

Monkey wee. Who told you that?

It was your nan, wasn't it? Yes.

Why don't you get back? I'm sure
Dylan needs you more than me.

Oh, don't worry, he's in safe hands.

Yeah.
My brother's very responsible, and
even my flatmate has his moments.

Looking after a baby is probably
bringing out the grown-up in him.

Dad, don't worry.
They say at my age there's
hardly ever any complications.

How old are you, Chloe? .

Wow!

The wicked step-mum's
younger than the daughter.

That's...

strange.

I wouldn't worry.
You make a lovely couple.

See. Nobody thinks anything.
It's all your imagination.

Sorry,
I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask
you and your father to leave now.

Yeah... Come on, Daddy.

Get yourself in that car now! I've
got plans for you when we get back!

I was always his favourite.

Bye, Dad. Bye, sweetheart.

No, you don't.

Hello, I'm one of the surgeons that's
going to be doing your operation.

Doctor Whippy?

It's pronounced Wipey.

That's worse, isn't it?

So, er... Have you had
your appendix out before?

Of course you haven't.
Just my little joke.

Just a few routine questions.

Have you got any allergies?

Allergies?
Yeah, you know, the usual...

penicillin, aspirin... coconuts.

No. Nothing. What about children?

Am I allergic to chil...?
No, have you got any children?

Yes. Just the one boy.

And has he got any allergies?

Sorry to be rude, but how does
that relate to my appendix?

Well, we need to know
if he's allergic...

to your appendix...

You've lost me. Well,
you know what some people are like.

They like to take the appendix
home, fry it and eat it.

That's placenta.

I know but some people
do the appendix as well.

It's all the rage.
Think of it as a mixed grill.

No, that can't be true.
Oh, it is, honestly.

And surprisingly very nice.

Especially with a nut sauce.

Does your son like nut sauce?

I'm not taking my appendix home.

I know, but if you did, would you
serve it to your son in a nut sauce?

No. Why? Is he allergic to nuts? No.

What about coconut?
You think he might eat my appendix
if I made a nice Thai sauce?

Just answer the question, please.
No, he's not allergic to coconuts!

Yes!

Look, are you a real doctor,
or do I need to call security?

Er, no, I'm a real doctor.
This is just a wind-up.

It was either that or
sew a fake hand into your stomach.

Excuse me, excuse me! >

I'm not a doctor.

I know, I want an ice lolly.

What are you doing?

I told you to wait in the van.
What if Guy and Lucy see you?

There are laws against
being parked in an ambulance bay,

in an ice-cream van with a baby
you may have accidentally poisoned.

Yeah, well the good news is,
we haven't.

He's not allergic to nuts.

Oh, thank goodness.

Now we just have to hope
the ball's on its way out.

I just wish
there was a way of knowing.

Don't even think about it.

What about a choc-ice?

No.

So what do you think Chloe
thinks about me and you?

Oh, honestly, she's cool about it.

I've often dated younger girls.

In fact, at one time I was even
going out with one of her friends.

Didn't that bother her?

Not at all. Although
she didn't like all the teasing
she got in the playground.

That's a joke.

Lucy... please don't let
our age gap get in the way.

I love you, you know.

I know.

- Why don't we sneak into one of these rooms and I'll show
- you just how old I really am.

Really? Do they have equipment
that does carbon dating?

Come on. No, we can't...

Is THAT a ball?

It's his liver, isn't it?

If that's his liver,
he's the youngest alcoholic
I've ever seen.

Is this thing actually working?

No idea...
Price check, till nine, please.
What the hell's going on?

Actually...
it's a really funny story.

Well? He tells it better than me.

Dylan wouldn't stop crying and
we didn't know what to do. Go on.

And so we thought we'd bring him down
here to see you two because he was

obviously missing his grandad.

There's still a piece missing
from this jigsaw, isn't there?

Dylan swallowed it.

Shut up. And...?

And then we got down to the hospital
and something else happened,

which I would to tell you about
but feel I'm hogging
this funny little anecdote.

Tim.

We thought whilst we were here

we may as well show little Dylan

the inside of his body.

We thought it would be educational.

Well, we'd better hand little Dylan
back to you and be heading off.

There we are.

Ahh, sweet.

Grandad's eyes.

I thought for a second you were
going to say spleen. Just walk.

Well, I think we got away with that.

Until they change his nappy
and want to know why
he's started laying eggs.

I hope you're not blaming me
for this.

- Why would I?
- Oh, that's right... it's your fault.

Oh, stop panicking,
you big soft middle-class blouse.

Once we explain everything
they'll understand. Sure.

Sorry Guy, your grandson
was having a little cry after
he was poked by the Antichrist.

We tried all the usual stuff,
you know, threatening him with

starvation, dressing him as h*tler,

but we couldn't get him to stop,
so in the end we had to resort

to letting him eat a football.

But don't worry, it was all sorted.
We went to the pub and Lee's
alcoholic grandmother recommended

we gave him a laxative of nice,
fresh, nutritious monkey urine.

My nan is a very clever woman!

She won't wear leather gloves in
case she gets att*cked by wolves!

Well, she never has, has she?

She might be a bit eccentric
but at least when she encounters

a problem, she doesn't cry
and wet her knickers.

Yes, she does. You know what I mean.

You need to calm down, he's only
swallowed a tiny little football,

you soft, prancing, nancy boy.
Oh yeah?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

How many balls came with this set?

One.

So he didn't swallow anything.

Unless he swallowed everything
and we're in his stomach.

On your own? Or is Guy just taking
his time getting up the stairs?

He's gone back to the hospital.

Apparently the anaesthetic's
making Chloe a bit confused.

She keeps mumbling some weird stuff
about wanting to eat her appendix.

Fancy a game?

OK.

Well, thanks for
looking after Dylan today.

What a wonderful job you did.

I've always had a connection
with babies.

I recently helped out
at a friend's water-birth.
I got in the water and everything.

It went very well
till the midwife chucked me out.

And why's that then? You know.

Diving, bombing, heavy petting.

Tough crowd.

Goal!

One-nil already. But then again
I've got an unfair advantage.

I've got an extra player, haven't I?
Have you? Yeah, look.

I've got ,
you've only got ten.

Am I right in saying
that he's not the only one

in a whole pile of sh...?

♪ Not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
With my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We are not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪