12x06 - Tent

[bunniefuu]

♪ Just hanging around
With my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

BREATHES IN DEEPLY

Ahh.

Now who wishes we'd gone
to Disneyland?

Right, packs off, everyone.
We are going to pitch tent here.

Well, are you sure
we're in the right place?

We're in the middle of nowhere.

Why are you allowed a phone,
Mum, but not us?

You know the rules, Benji.
No gadgets this week.

And this is just being used
as a map.

I can't get a signal anyway.

We don't need a phone.

Well, we do if
there's an emergency.

There's not going to be
an emergency.

SCREAMING

Get it off me!

It was a leaf, Anna. A leaf.

A bloody enormous one,
and it went in my mouth.

This suitcase is ruined.

You think that's bad?

How Edmund Hillary climbed Everest

with that pull-along Louis Vuitton
is beyond me.

Get off.

Uh, share nicely, Jack.

Sorry, Anna, but we actually
left our kids' devices at home.

Don't worry, Lucy,
we brought spares.

No, I mean we deliberately
left them.

We're hoping to give them
a bit of a digital detox.

Well, normally I'd be agreeing with
you, but I'd rather Jack close by me

playing on that thing
than running off

and being att*cked by something
unpleasant in the woods.

Mummy, are there really unpleasant
things in the woods?

Don't.

So, this is the spot you chose,
is it, Lee?

Yeah.

I suppose we'll just have
to make do.

Sounds like your speech
at our wedding.

Packs down, everyone.
Let's pitch tent.

I've already said that.

Well, this is going to be such
a lovely weekend.

I'm so glad you're both with us.

Nothing was
going to stop us from coming, Lucy.

I can confirm that.

Excuse me,
where are the facilities?

You mean the, uh,

the hot yoga and
the badminton courts?

Interesting you should say that.

I might have slightly oversold
the weekend to Anna.

You said glamping.

Oh, no. I've been glamping.

Full of glunts.

Don't worry, Anna.

I have arranged some
toilet facilities.

If you need bigger,
I've got a shovel in the boot.

We're, uh,
we're on a slight incline,

so it's best that it
faces downhill.

Not if you're facing into
the wind and rain.

Who the hell suggested
a camping trip

at this time of the year?

Trust me. I've done my research
and it is not going to rain.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Have you actually put this
tent up before?

No, but the woman in
the shop said it was foolproof.

That bar needs lowering.

This is so much fun.

Kids, why not put your screens down
and explore?

It is pouring with rain, Lucy.

Yeah, but there are still things
to see.

For example, when it rains,
worms come to the surface.

OK, that was rubbish.

LEE SIGHS AND GROANS

There you go. Job done.

Then why is there
a pole in your hand?

At least we know it's easy
to take down.

This should keep the wolves out.

As long as they don't blow on it.

Right, let's get the food on
the go, shall we?

Do you remember when we got
in the car?

What was the last thing I said?

"That's disgusting.
At least open a window?"

After that.

"Did you definitely pack
the right hamper?"

It's the kids' dressing up box.

Great. We're going to be discovered
starved to death.

Dressed as the Village People.

I need to eat.

She gets grumpy when she's hungry.

I don't get grumpy, Toby.

All right, you stay grumpy.

It's called blood sugar-related mood
disorder and I suffer from it.

Oh, we all suffer from it.

Look, we've got some
travel snacks in our car.

Crisps and sweets. That should
tide us over for tonight,

and then tomorrow we can drive
to a shop for fresh supplies.

It's a long way back to
the car, Toby.

I'll be fine.

I know, I'm saying hurry up.

I promised the kids it was
going to be chilli and rice tonight.

Now what am I going to tell them?

Kids, it's sweets for dinner.

KIDS: Yay!

I think they'll get over it.

♪ Talkin' 'bout hey now
Hey, now

♪ Hey, now
Hey, now

LEE AND WENDY: ♪ Iko, iko un-day

♪ Jock-a-mo fee-no ai na-ne

♪ Jock-a-mo fee-no ai

♪ My grandma and your grandma
were sittin' by the fire... ♪

I hope not.

My mother used to spit
at northerners.

She never forgave them for gravy.

ANNA: Toby should've been back
by now.

Never mind. The hungrier we are,
the better it will taste.

Lucy, if your mum is
abusing anti-depressants,

she can at least share them
with the group.

♪ Ayy. ♪

Aww, lovely singing, guys.

Isn't this great, kids?

It's perfect.

Just one thing missing.

Apart from food, Wi-Fi, sanitation,

and the other components
of basic human dignity?

A ghost story.

Hooray!

Just don't make up anything
that's too scary for the kids.

Oh, I won't be making anything up,

because every word
of this story is true.

Ooh! It happened in these
very woods.

HE STRUMS MYSTERIOUS SPANISH TUNE

What's that?

Bit of atmos.

Were not in Barcelona, Don Quixote.

HE ALTERNATES CHORDS

Not so long ago,

a group of family
and friends went camping.

Just like us.

They pitched up a big tent
and lit the fire.

Just like us.

They were having a fantastic time.

Here we enter the realms
of fantasy.

But then one of the group went
into the forest to look for food.

When it got dark
and he hadn't returned,

they went into the tent.

But then they heard someone outside
trying to get in.

HOLLOW KNOCKING

Oh, that's the sound of someone
knocking on a canvas tent, is it?

Who's telling this story?

Well, it's not Stephen King,
that's for sure.

Who was there?

It was a wild-eyed man, stark naked,

with all blood coming
out of his mouth.

And then...

..he...

..chopped them all up
with a Kn*fe.

A massive big one.

HE STRUMS MINOR CHORD

That's it, is it?

No.

And then he put all the body
parts in a sack and ran off.

The end.

How wonderful.

And all true.

How do you know that?

Because the k*ller...

..was me!

SHRIEKING

Not really.

He's probably still out there
in the woods somewhere.

Right, inside, Jack.
Looks like it's going to rain.

I need the toilet, Lee.

Well, it's a powerful story.

I'm not going out there all by
myself in the middle of the night.

Especially after hearing
that story.

If you see any more firewood,
bring it back.

Well, we can always put
Lee's guitar on the fire.

We've got plenty of wood,
thank you, Geoffrey.

I know, but let's put the guitar on
the fire for fun anyway.

KIDS: Hooray!

RUSTLING

What?

There was a movement.

You'd better hurry up, then,
hadn't you?

I'm not joking, Lee.

Toby?

It could've been a psycho.

Yeah, thank God it was just
Peter Rabbit,

off to buy some cr*ck from
Squirrel Nutkin.

Oh. This will do.

Hm. Well, this is romantic,
isn't it?

Well, at least there's
a lovely full moon.

Well, there will be in a minute.

Well, look the other way.

Oh, my God. What?

It's a bone.

You're obviously not
chewing properly.

It's probably just a dead animal.

What animal?

Well, rabbit?

Something a bit bigger, maybe.

Like what?

Chris Packham?

We're going.

I thought you needed the toilet.

Oh, it can wait.

THUNDER RUMBLES

You're back quickly.

We brought something to show you.

Oh, aren't you meant
to bury it after you've finished?

Oh, my God. What is that?

It's just an animal bone, right?
Like a deer or something.

There are no deer in this forest.
Has anyone seen a deer?

I haven't seen a deer.
Probably just passing through.

Oh, yeah, maybe it was flying
overhead on Christmas Eve

and had a heart att*ck.

It's a cow bone.

A cow? In a forest?

Did it fall out of its nest?

I'm saying it's a cow bone
from a butchers' that

a dog was probably carrying.

Are you sure it's not a human bone?

Of course it's not a human bone.
Why would it be a human bone?

I said it wasn't a human bone.
Can we all stop saying human bone?

We need to show it to Toby.
He'll know, he's a doctor.

Toby isn't here.

He's still not back?

Or maybe a little part
of him is here.

SHE CHUCKLES EERILY

Of course, if we'd gone somewhere
with phone reception,

we could've called the police
and reported him missing.

Calm down, Anna.
You're perfectly safe in here.

Oh, yes, perfectly safe behind this
unbreachable monster-proof sheet

of thin nylon.

ANNA SCREAMS

Not the least friendly welcome
she's ever given me.

Has something happened?

What is it? What?

It started raining.

Is that it? Yeah.

Hunter gatherer returns to
the village with food for the tribe.

There's something terrifically
primeval about that,

don't you think?

All he's done is get KitKats from
his Lexus.

You were gone for bloody ages.

I thought you'd driven off
and left me.

It never occurred to me to do that.

I couldn't have driven off anyway.

While I was in the car, I turned the
radio on to get the weather report,

and I'm afraid I have some rather
alarming news.

What? The rain earlier has flooded
the river further up the valley.

The road out of here is under
three feet of water.

But we need to drive out of here
tomorrow to get more food.

It's not going to happen,
I'm afraid.

So we need to eke out these supplies
for as long as...

Right. I should probably have
started with that advice.

The weather report doesn't explain
why you took so long coming back.

Well, no. I...

Is there something else
you're not telling us?

I didn't want to mention this,

but the weather report finished
and then...

Go on.

It was time for The Archers.

Bloody hell, Toby, we thought
something serious had happened.

I'd say foot and mouth
at Grange Farm is fairly serious.

Have I missed something?

Wow, you were hungry.

I don't know which child you ate,

but at least it stopped them playing
with their iPad, hey, Lucy?

This bone was found in the woods.
It's caused a bit of a commotion.

Would you please confirm,
using your medical expertise,

that it isn't human?

This is the fibular of an animal.

Ah!

But can you name the animal?

I don't know.
Shall we go with Sparky?

I think cow bone. Carried by a dog.

Probably.

So we've solved the mystery.

Yes, it's a relief to know we can
all starve to death

in relative safety.

Well, there's no need to go hungry.

I noticed something on
the walk up here.

Please say Pret.

Even better.
We are in nature's kitchen.

We are surrounded by edible plants.

Well, aren't some
of these plants poisonous?

Easily solved.

We simply test everything out
on Lee.

Not necessary.

I was the secretary of
the Oxford University

Postgraduate Foraging Society.

Blimey, even by my standards
that's a very poncey sentence.

Don't forget, kids, if you find
a pignut, what do we do?

Leave it on the pig?
Don't eat it.

Toby, they don't eat anything.
Certainly not till it's washed.

Right, everyone,
let's spread out and start looking.

Let's head in that direction.

Maybe we should go in
the other direction.

I think that way is better,
Geoffrey.

Might want to give that
five minutes.

Let's go that way.

ANNA SCREAMS

Oh, what now? Another leaf?

I dread autumn. It's like
the shower scene in Psycho.

It's blood.

Oh, it's probably just berry juice.

Course it is.

Whatever it is,
there's a lot more of it on this.

On what?

This.

Lee obviously planted it there
to scare us.

I swear to God I didn't.

ANNA: Toby, get me an Uber
right now.

The roads are flooded.

Well, they must do helicopters.

WENDY: This is all a bit like
Lee's ghost story, isn't it?

The man chopping up his victims
and putting them in a bag.

Thanks for the recap, Mum.

Nobody's chopping people up
and putting them into a bag.

I've found a bag.

Oh, God.

I suppose we should look inside.

No!

We're all
going to just very calmly

and quietly walk back to the tent.

Run!

SHRIEKING

GROANING

LUCY: Dad, are you OK?

I think he must've put his foot in
that little hole. What hole?

The hole I dug to go for a...
GEOFFREY: I'm going to k*ll him!

All right,
let's take a look at that foot.

Why the hell did Lee not fill that
hole in?

I think you'll find he did fill it
in, in a manner of speaking.

Where is Lee?

He was right behind us.

Maybe the k*ller's taken him.

He's probably been chopped up
and put in the bag

with the other body.

ANNA GASPS

What are you doing?

I went back and got it. Why?

Thought we could have
a butcher's.

Excuse the wording.

Well, hang on,
we don't know what's in there.

Yeah, haven't we seen enough
bones already?

Don't be ridiculous.

Toby's already said
that's an animal bone.

Right, Toby?

Yeah.

Maybe.

What do you mean, maybe?

Look, you were all panicking
and I knew we were trapped here,

so I just told you what you wanted
to hear.

The truth is, I have no idea whether
that's animal or human.

You're a doctor.

Of gynaecology, not bones.

Why didn't you try harder
at university?

I got a first.

I mean with that nice girl Emma.
You could've married her instead.

Perfectly simple explanation
for this.

Go on.

The owner of the machete
was using it

for some perfectly innocent reason.

They accidentally cut themselves,
hence the blood,

and then they abandoned it

and the bag in the rush
to seek assistance.

And the bone?

I've already said,
they probably own a dog.

Don't listen to him. We need to get
back to the car park right now.

We're not going to be able
to make it to the car

with Geoffrey's ankle twisted
like this.

No, but we could get there
without him.

You mean leave him behind?

We are not leaving Dad.

But maybe Anna's right

and we shouldn't be staying in such
an exposed area.

Well, I suppose we could shelter
behind the copse I saw earlier.

Oh, thank God, the police are here.

No, I mean copse,
as in dense clump of trees.

I hate you.

Look, nobody's going anywhere
without my say-so.

I am the leader
of this expedition.

In this group,
I am Scott of the Antarctic.

You do know that everybody on that
expedition d*ed?

All right, I'm Captain Cook.

Stabbed to death
and boiled by natives.

Dr Livingstone. Malaria.

All right, I'm...

Well, come on, Lee.

See if you can name one
successful explorer.

Dora.

For God's sake, there's an easy way
to settle all this.

Lee, open the bag.

I'm giving the orders.

Toby, open the bag.

ANNA SQUEALS

Sorry, thought it was a spider.

TOBY GASPS

No chopped up body.

Of course there isn't.

But there is a wallet.

Sorry to disappoint you all,
it's not a serial k*ller.

It's a tree surgeon.

A map of the forest.
Pamphlet on Dutch elm disease.

Now what did I tell you?

Clearly injured himself and had
to leave in a hurry to get help.

Perhaps we did overreact slightly.

Dog treats.

See? It was a dog bone.

Oh, God. There's something else.

It's all soft and fleshy.

Ooh.

Sausages.

Pasta, noodles, sauce.

I told you I was good at foraging.

I knew this weekend was
going to be jolly.

Not quite.
I'm still in significant pain.

Well, I think I may have
a solution to that, too.

Aspirin comes from willow bark.

Elder balm is good for sprains.

A bit more foraging, and we'll have
you back on your feet in no time.

Oh, hang on. Take the kids.
This is educational.

Good luck getting them off
their devices.

Kids, put your iPads down.

You're going into the forest
to look for dr*gs. KIDS: Yay!

How is he?

He's getting quite drowsy on these
meds I made.

Nonsense.

It will take a lot more than some
wild plants to knock me out.

I know your sort.

Try and drug an old man
and then take advantage of him.

Just you try it, sonny.

I'm a black belt in sudoku.

Oh, nurse, nurse, nurse!

I want this man removed from my...

Oh.

I think that's the last
we'll be hearing

from Geoffrey for the night.

You must give me the recipe.

At least I can play my guitar
without him complaining.

Don't let him.

Lucy?

Lucy?

What? Are you asleep?

I was, what do you want?

Nothing. I just wanted to know if
you were asleep.

SHE SIGHS

It's been good this weekend,
hasn't it?

Which bit?

Being woken up in
the middle of the night?

The starvation?

Or the thinking
we'd all get m*rder*d?

All of it.

Actually...

..do you know, it really has.

Shall we go camping again soon?

No.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Oh, it's not going to rain again,
is it?

Oh, I hope not.

Need to pop out of the tent
for a number two.

It's like sharing a tent
with Peter O'Toole

in Lawrence Of Arabia.

BIRDS SQUAWK

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

THUNDER CRACKS

HEAVY BREATHING

RUSTLING, HEAVY BREATHING CONTINUES

LEE SCREAMS

Lee? Lee?

He's in the woods!

Who?

The k*ller. He's found his big Kn*fe
and he's come to get us.

SHE SCREAMS

What's happening?

THEY EXHALE

There's somebody out there.

Anna? Yes?

LEE SQUEALS

There's somebody in the woods.
And they've got a Kn*fe.

Oh, God.

Wake Geoffrey up.
Ask him what to do.

I thought you were
the group leader.

I am.

And I'm ordering you to wake
Geoffrey up and ask him what to do.

Lee, what exactly did this person
look like?

A bit like that.

Don't come any closer.

I've got a...trowel.

You can't use that as a w*apon.
Why not? You do.

We just need to talk to him.
Do not break my guitar.

MAN GROANS

Ahh!

MAN GROWLS

What the hell do you think
you're playing at, Geoffrey?

Geoffrey?

Dad?

Oh. Where am I?

What am I doing with this?
What?

MACHETE CLATTERS

I think I may have given him

a bit too much of
the mushroom medicine.

Mushrooms?

A chap at medical school
told me about it.

Called himself Spaceman.

Ended up in prison in Bangkok.

Well, that dressing up box
came in handy after all.

Ah, there it is. Ahh.

You lot seen a bag anywhere?

I'm guessing you must be
the tree surgeon?

Who injured his arm whilst using
his machete

and had to hastily run off
and look for first aid?

Yeah. How do you know all that?

Because I'm the only sensible one
round here.

DOG WHINES

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪