13x07 - Football

[bunniefuu]

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
With my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

Yeah, go on, give it.

Go on. Go on. Go on, Benji.

Harvey, Harvey! To me.

Go on, Harvey! Go on, Benji's clear!

Give it to Benji!

Give it!

GIVE IT!

I meant give it to your team,
Harvey, not theirs!

Do those goggles even work?!

Well, you give it %,
and that's all we can ask.

Oh, referee!

Do you know how to use
that bloody whistle?

It's not a lollipop,
you blind cretin!

Can I remind you that I'm only doing
this because nobody else will?

You volunteered to be coach.

I meant being your friend.

Can I also remind you that this
is just a coaching session,

not a real match?

I know it's not a REAL match,
cos we're not losing.

We can always take over
the coaching duties, if you like.

No need to be defensive.

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Actually, you do need
to be defensive

after losing — last week!

Zip it!

No need to be rude!

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Oh, referee, you absolute wan...!

Right, Charlie.

Sorry. I forgot The Archers was on.

Oh, hey, Mollie.
How was school today?

Good. We learned about
the danger of dr*gs.

You know you named two of your kids
after street dr*gs?

Charlie is a name for cocaine,

and Mollie's a name for ecstasy.

So what's Benji short for?

Probably because of all the dr*gs
your mum was taking.

It's nice you have this quality time
with them.

It goes so quickly,
and before you know it,

they've been taken into care.

How did you do at
football training, Benji?

OK.

He was more than OK.

He was the best, as ever.

Honestly, ran his heart out.

Unlike some. Honestly, I think
some of these kids

only play football
for the fun of it.

You think I'll win
Player of the Year?

When's that? This Saturday?

Straight after the last
match of the season.

It's on the calendar.

What calendar?

The one above the washing machine.

The washing machine's
the one below the calendar.

You're worried he won't win?

Well, he deserves to.

He's the best player by far.

Who, coincidentally,
happens to be your son.

That's not a coincidence.
That's genetics.

When I was his age,
I was captain of the team.

Top goal—scorer, most appearances,
most assists.

Remember?
Oh, I remember.

It's one of the greatest PowerPoint
presentations I've ever seen.

I'm just saying,
I'm sure all parents think

their child's the best.

What, even Harvey Walker's parents?

Which one's Harvey Walker?

The one with two left feet.

And he's right—footed.

You know, I might just take Toby
out tomorrow for a coffee.

I know what a great job
he's been doing this season.

Well, don't compliment him
too hard.

Anna's spent years
breaking his spirit.

She'll be livid if it grows back.

I'm just worried that I've been
giving him a hard time

and he might hold it against Benji
when, you know, he gives out awards.

Toby won't take out
your stupidity on Benji.

Otherwise, he'd have drowned him
years ago.

Your hot chocolate.

Slice of cake.

Lemon drizzle with a gentle
sprinkling of icing sugar.

I'm glad you've described
it in detail,

cos I can't actually see it.

You know, with my terrible eyesight.

Look, I'm sorry for
calling you blind.

And there was that other word,
as well.

Well, that's what made you go blind.

Look...

I— am sorry.

Are you?

I know what I'm like.

Take it far too seriously.

I've become one of THOSE parents.

I mean, anyone would think
it's the Premier League.

You've seen our team. No—one would
think it was the Premier League.

Yeah, well, they'd have done
a lot worse

if they hadn't have had you
in charge, mate.

We're going to finish bottom.

Yeah, but because of you...

I hope there's more
to that sentence!

Because of you,

they didn't quit.

A lot of kids their age,
they would've thought,

what's the point? Why carry on?

We lose week in, week out.
We haven't won a game all season.

We've become
a laughing stock of the league.

Some of the opposition,

they whistle the Laurel and Hardy
tune when we walk on the pitch.

One team accidentally
brought a five—a—side team

and they still b*at us!

The referee sometimes plays
for us just to help out.

What's the point in playing?
What's the point in living?

Oh, get to the point.

The point is you made them realise
that, if they give %,

they can leave that pitch
with their heads held high.

The fact that we've
even still got a team

is all down to you.

Thanks.

And what do you get in return?

You get idiots like me giving
you grief and shouting abuse.

Look, don't worry,
you're not the only one.

Last week I had a dad
questioning my tactics.

Oh, that is ridiculous.

You know loads about
football tactics.

I've heard you shouting
from the touchline.

"Kick the ball

"in the other the goal

"as many times as you can!"

So many of them seem to think
that their child

is the best player in the team.

Idiots!

I mean, can't all be right,
can they?

No.

In fact, none of them
could be right, can they?

How do you mean?

Well...

What?

You're going to actually
make me say it?

You want to sing it?

My Benji.

He's the best player, but...

you know that, right?

Do I?

He's the top goal—scorer.

He's scored one!

Exactly!

You must recognise that Benji's
the best player, surely.

Oh, it's definitely true
he's one of the stronger players.

"One of them?" Who else is there?

Freddie? Big Freddie?

All right.
Why do you need to mention his size?

He's the one that decided to play
the match whilst holding a pasty,

not me.

He was peckish.

Leo's OK.

Mummy's boy, Leo?

He's like a young Gazza.

Well, he cries a lot.

No—one comes close to Benji!

Yeah.

True.

He's been a godsend this season.

He's skilful, energetic
and very polite.

They do say it skips
a generation.

So, er,

go on, then.

What?

Who's won the Player
of the Year award?

I can't tell you that.

Between me and you...

I doubt it's between me and you.

You have to be or under.

And even with your mental age,
that is stretching the rules a bit.

Just tell me.

I can't tell you
because I don't know yet.

The players vote for it.

You let the players vote?

YOU should decide!

What if I don't think Benji
should win?

Well, then you put it to the vote.

So have you received
any of these votes yet?

Well, some. There's quite a few
to come in yet, though.

How's it looking for Benji?

Why do you need to know?

Because I've put grand on it with
a Malaysian betting syndicate

and they're threatening
to break my kneecaps.

Just interested, all right?

Look, as I've just said,
most of the votes aren't in,

but from the ones that are,

let us just say that Benji
is a very strong contender.

Of course he is.

It's definitely going to be
between him and Harvey Walker.

Harvey Walker?
Are you taking the piss?!

He's the worst player on the pitch,
and that's saying something!

In the land of the blind...

In the land of the blind,
Harvey Walker's also got no ears!

I know his football skills leave
something to be desired,

but I suspect people are voting
for him because of the tough time

he's going through at the moment.

Tough time? A couple of own goals?

All right, he got teased a bit
and called a muppet,

but that's all part of the game.

And I apologised afterwards!

I mean, the things
he's been going through at home.

What things?

His grandfather.

He's very unwell.

So? How does having
a sick grandfather

make you a better footballer?

If anything, it makes you worse —

less time for training!

What?!

I'm sorry. I am speechless.

I think I'm just blown away
by your compassion.

You don't train a racehorse
with compassion.

You use a whip.

Oh, that reminds me.

One of the boys is out with
a broken leg at the moment.

Could you call a vet and get him
to come round and sh**t him?

Harvey Walker?

Unbelievable!

HE HUFFS

It's always about the emotional
back story nowadays, isn't it?

It's like Britain's Got Talent.

Somebody who can't sing for toffee
wins just because they've got a cat

who's got wheels for legs.

So what did Toby say?

Well, the good news is,
is that he acknowledges that Benji

is one of the strongest
young players he's ever seen.

Like one of Alex Ferguson's
youngsters at Man United.

A Beckham, Scholes and Neville.

But?

No, he never mentioned him.

Has Benji won the award or not?

WE have got competition.

What do you mean, "we"?

You're the overly competitive
parent, not me.

Why do you always have to win?

Well, you know, a great football
manager said

about winning, don't you?

"Once you're married, you have
to let go of that feeling?"

He said, "Winning isn't everything.

“It's the ONLY thing."

What about fun?

Sport isn't about fun!

I meant in a marriage!

Well, let me tell you,
because of this

"it's only the taking part
that matters" mentality,

your own child is about to lose out
on a trophy

that would have meant
the world to him.

So who's the competition?

Harvey Walker.

He's rubbish, isn't he?

Yes, but luckily for him
his grandad's very sick.

Well, some kids get all the breaks!

Dad?

You know, I have to vote
for Player of the Year?

So I hear. Well, I'm thinking
of voting for Harvey Walker.

Ah, good God! He's useless!

I know he is, but I don't want
to vote for someone who might win!

I want to win.

Well, at least you're doing
it for the right reasons.

But don't vote for him

because apparently everybody
is, cos his grandad's ill.

It's football, not charity.

That's my boy!

Right, I've got to do
something about this.

Try and remember, this is
kids' football, not Squid Game.

I'm going to sort this out.

You do realise you're at w*r
with a —year—old boy

and his ailing grandfather?

Yes, I know it's two against one,

but I'm not going to let
that put me off.

All right, son?

Good training session?

I'm not allowed to talk to you.

Quite right. Stranger danger?

No, it's cos my dad
says you're a pain.

Well, I'm Benji's dad.

You know Benji? Top goal—scorer?
Never missed a match?

Yeah, he's had to overcome so much,
that lad.

Used to have terrible agoraphobia.

Didn't come out of his mum
till he was two.

So, um...

...you voted for Player of the Year?

I thought that was meant
to be secret.

It is, so don't tell anyone I asked.

Well?

Harvey Walker maybe?

Own—Goal Harvey?

I've never heard that nickname.

I know. I was hoping
to get it started.

Feel sorry for him.
His grandad's ill.

Yeah, but you're not voting
for his grandad, are you?

You're voting for him.
I know I am. That's what I said.

Wait. Which one's, er,
which one's Nathan?

Why?

Oh, it's just that Benji said
he was voting for him

as Player of the Year, and
I just wondered which one he was.

I'm Nathan.

Are you?

He said you're brilliant.

The raw power and close control ball
skills of a young Peter Beardsley.

Not my words.

So does Benji want me to vote
for him or something?

Oh, he'd never ask us to do that.

Right.

But I would.

And he's definitely voting for me?
You're not just saying that.

Of course not! I didn't even know
you were Nathan, did I?

How would I?

One down...

All right, son?

Which one's Joshua?

I've heard you're fixing
the vote for Benji.

No, I'm not.

Just pointing out
what a strong player he is.

Skilful, energetic.
Never missed a...

quid.

What? quid
and I vote for Benji.

And I keep quiet about you trying
to get people to vote for him.

You're buying my vote
AND my silence.

Does Fagin know you're moonlighting?

quid.
Get lost!

Ten.

I'll tell Toby.

I'm not scared of Toby.

All right.

I'll tell his scary wife.

Five, and I'll throw in
a tub of Haribo Starmix.

Two tubs. Deal.

Thank you.

Thank you, everyone,
for coming to our Welby Wildcats

End of Season awards.

Our boys should be really proud
of their final game today.

Our best result of the season.

To lose by only six goals gives us
real hope for the future.

I'm so proud of all our players
this season.

You are true Wildcats.

Not literally, of course.

Actual wildcats
are solitary creatures.

When they form packs, they often
k*ll and eat the weaker members

of the group,
even their own kittens.

Well, I've seen it on online video
and it's,

it's horrible.

It's really quite brutal.

Anyway, I will be back soon
for the highlight of the evening,

our Player of the Year award.

But in the meantime, please
enjoy the sandwiches,

and, er, boys, eat carefully.

It's hard to hold on to
the Player of the Year award

when your fingers
are covered in butter.

HE CHUCKLES

That wasn't a joke about our
goalkeeper, by the way!

Why...Why would it be?

Got a table near the front.
That's a good sign.

Means you've won.

We got this table because
you got here an hour earlier

and put your jacket on it.

Just remember, Benji, you'll always
be our Player of the Year.

Whatever happens.

That's the most important
thing, isn't it?

No!

You shouldn't raise his hopes —
He might not win.

Oh, he'll win.

HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE

Lee, please stop winking
at young boys.

You look like you should
have a tag on your ankle.

Everyone voted, did they?

Interesting you
should mention that.

After our conversation the other
day, I experienced a sudden surge.

Nice of you to say.

I had a lovely time, too.

Lots of votes

and all for the same player.

He's very popular.

I haven't said who it is.

I know.

So how do you know he's popular?

They've all voted for him.

It is Benji, though, right?

What do you think?
I don't know.

Maybe Harvey Walker's
gerbil's got rickets

and there was a sudden rush
of sympathy votes.

Just tell me.

No!

Yes!

Get in!

What is the matter with you?

I'll tell you what the matter
with me is.

We live in a world where sympathy
has taken over from talent.

Do people even know what the word
"meritocracy” means?

I'm surprised you do.

Well, Benji's won, so you don't
need to worry any more.

But just please keep it quiet
until I make the announcement.

Don't worry. Mum's the word, mate.

NOBODY is going to find out from me.

Nice spread.
Mm-hm.

Do you play football?

A bit. You?

Oh.

Sorry.

It's fine. I've not been out
to this wheelchair for,

what, five years?

But I'd still be too good
for this team.

Very true.

I'm, I'm Harvey's grandad.

Oh, right.

Ernest Walker.

I know the name's a bit ironic!
Ha—ha!

HE CHUCKLES THEN CHOKES

Here you are, Grandad.
Drink some water.

You'll be OK.

Oh. Oh!

Oh, thanks, Harvey.

You're a good grandson.

Harvey inherited his love
for sport from my wife.

She here?

No, she passed.

I wish I could say the same
for this football team!

HE CACKLES THEN COUGHS

HE GRUNTS AND GASPS

Does your grandchild play
for this team?

My son.
This is Benji's dad.

| told you about Benji.

Best player in the team by far.

I voted for him
as Player of the Year.

I think you deserve that award, son.

Oh, shush, Grandad.

IN STAGE WHISPER: Yeah,
Grandad, shut up!

Oh!

HOARSELY: Harvey, please w—would you
get my heart pills, please?

HE GRUNTS

He's a good lad.

H—he deserves to win that award.

There is a chance he won't win,
of course.

No, of course he won't win.

He's useless.

He couldn't score in a brothel!

Maybe stop cracking jokes.

I'm just trying to make a point.

He deserves to win that trophy

for being such a lovely,
lovely, lovely lad.

He does all my caring,
you know,

he cleans for me.

He cooks for me.

He goes to the chemist
to get my medication.

What about his mum and dad?

Oh, they haven't got time.

They work very long hours,

just trying to keep
their heads above water.

What do they do,
teach synchronised swimming?

No.

They're carers for the NHS.

LEE SIGHS

Oh, I'm just here to support Harvey.

Like he supports me in life.

I spent my winter fuel allowance.

I'm buying him some new boots
this year.

Have you thought of getting Harvey
on Britain's Got Talent?

It would be just nice to see
that little boy

have a small moment of pleasure
in his difficult little life.

HE SNIFFS

There you go, Grandad.

By the way, I've been saving
my pocket money,

so I thought I'd treat
us to a taxi home.

Oh, for God's sake!

Toby...

If you want to know if you've won
the raffle, the answer's no.

You have to buy a ticket first.

I need to talk to you.

I'm just about to announce
the award.

I know. You need
to change the result.

Harvey Walker deserves to win
Player of the Year.

More than your own child?

New information has...just
come to light.

You're not Harvey's real father,
are you?

Of course I'm not.
You've seen him. He's useless.

Exactly. You're not Harvey's
real father, are you?

Just give Harvey the award.

It was a democratic vote.

Benji won.

I know, but...

The thing is, after we spoke
the other day, I...sort of

tried to influence the vote.

I knew I shouldn't have shared
confidential information.

Yeah, that was pretty bad of you.

But now I'm trying to
give you the chance

to fix the damage you've caused.

A vote's a vote.

I know, but come on.

You've got to do the right thing.

OK.

I will.

HE TAPS MIC, FEEDBACK

Ladies and gentlemen,
it is now time for the main event,

our Player of the Year award.

Who will win this
magnificent trophy?

This trophy is of course voted for
by the Wildcats players themselves,

and I can't stress that point
enough.

It's not up to me who wins
this award -

is that clear?

Good. So it gives me great pleasure

to give this trophy to...

HEARTBEAT

...give it to...

...one of our parents, who's going to
make the announcement for us.

Come on, up, Lee.

Come on. Me?

It's your mess, you fix it.

Um,

um,

first of all, on behalf
of all the parents,

I'd like to thank Toby,

uh, for his work this season
as the coach.

He's worked very hard.

What would we have done without him?

But there's no point thinking that
way, because that's just hindsight.

Um, and so to the award.

And in an ideal world,
Toby would like to give this

to each and every one of you.

Actually, is that an option?

No. No.

So the award for Welby Wildcats
Player of the Year...

...goes to...

HEARTBEAT

...goes to...

...Harvey Walker.

GASPING

You said I'D won it.

No, I didn't. How would I know that?

Maybe because you tried
to fiddle it.

My son said he offered
to swap votes with him.

Well, hang on... You said Benji was
voting for me!

And me! And me.

Olly said you bribed him with
Haribo Starmix

and a fiver. Only because he
threatened me.

I want a fiver! It's not fair.

I never even got that fiver!

YOU owe me a fiver.

Calm down. Calm down.

There is no I in team.

There's an I in fiver!

You told me Benji would vote for
me as well.

Well, Benji can't have voted for all
of you!

I vote for Harvey. Now Harvey's won!

Sounds like it's a fix! No, no, no.
It wasn't fixed.

But now I'm fixing the fix
so it's not fix.

Hello. So you admit you're a cheat.

I was cheating, but now I'm not
cheating

by giving it to the player
who didn't win.

What? It all made sense before you
start shouting at me!

We should have another vote.

If | vote for Benji, will you give
me a fiver? You know what?

I think we SHOULD have another vote.
ALL: Yeah!

ARGUING, MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

Excuse me.

SILENCE!

My grandson won that fair
and square,

so stop twatting about

and hand that trophy to him

before I punch your lights out!

I have my good days

and my bad days.

Let's be honest.
He's been the busiest all season.

CLATTER

I know footballers fake injuries,

but Harvey's grandad, he took it
to a whole new level.

Even Neymar
would have been appalled.

Who? Neymar.

It's what you call a Geordie orphan.

Can't believe I've been banned
for a whole season

from going to matches or training.

Well, it's one to add to the list,
isn't it?

Alongside Clapham Nando's

and being within a m radius
of Ben Fogle.

Now what am I going to do
on Sunday mornings?

Don't worry. Mollie's
cross—country season starts soon.

You could always go and lay

some bear traps for the other
runners.

Forget that.

From now on, I think it's best
if I take no interest whatsoever

in any of my children's activities.

Not all heroes wear capes.

I hope you've learned your lesson.

Course I have.

And I've got a new—found respect
for FIFA. Why?

I never realised how hard
corruption was to get away with.

Can you do something for me, Lucy?

Well, the lights are out,
so at least I can keep

a straight face.

If you ever see me being
a competitive dad again,

can you knee me in the balls?

Ow!

What did you do that for?!
No reason.

Just a little reminder
that occasionally we can do things

just for the fun of it.

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪