04x02 - Fat Chance!/Dag in the Mirror

[bunniefuu]

( Lively dance music playing )

♪ A-a-angry beavers ♪

♪ Beavers. ♪

( Wind blowing... )

Narrator:
as autumn leaves fall
in the forest

Every animal has to put on
weight before winter comes

Or else they'll freeze
and starve

And get cold and starve
and die... And starve!

( Screams )

Oh, norbie...!

Norbie, you got to help me!
I've been eating like a pig

And I still lost
seven-sixteenths of
a stone, whatever that is.

Winter's coming.

I'll freeze and turn

Blue like
those frozen blue guys

On tv with the hat!

Every animal has to put on
weight before winter comes

Or else they'll freeze
and starve and get cold

And starve and die...
And starve.

I heard that someplace.

You're not listening to me!

Huh?

Even you put on fat.

I'm doom-ed...
( Crying )

Well, I know you're not
coming along as nicely as me

But we got a few days
to whip you out of shape.

( Sobbing )

Stillrobics!

Three easy steps to getting fat.

Are you a skinnybones?

A beanpole?

A slender reed?

A piece of dental floss...?

You see, dag?
This video will help you
round out in no time.

Shh!

If you find joy
in moving around

Well, that may be your problem.

So let's try a very simple
exercise, shall we?

Fattiness, here I come.

( Laughing )

All you have to do is sit still
while I count to 300,002.

Are you ready?

Ready.

Get set...

You can do it, daggie!

Relax... Now remain
perfectly still.

One... Two... Three...

Four... Five...

Six... Seven...

You see, dag, that's been
your problem all along.

You're too high-strung.

That's why you're not
putting on any f...

Dag...?

( In distance ):
I'm over here.

It's tuesday and
I have to build
my spaceship

Tuesday is
spaceship day.

But dag, what about the tape?

Huh? Oh, yeah, I forgot.

I'll get to it just as soon
as I install the sauna

And the laser chamber
of death chamber

And jump around a lot
for no good reason.

On to step two.

( Popping )

Heh?

( With french accent ):
hello, peasant!

My name is luc warme.

You are both
filthy and impure rats
with no taste or culture

But I accept this job
if only to abuse you verbally.

( Chuckling )

Eee.
( Grumbles )

And this is my sous-chef phip.

( Rattling )

Eh?

Meet step two,
daggett.

He's here
to cook you

A huge amount
of fatty food.

You'll pack on pounds quicker
than a cockney bank robber.

Ooh, yummy.

You call this a kitchen?

This is a pathetic collection
of poorly sorted store-brand
utensils

Assembled in some sort
of chaotic heap.

Of course,
I cannot blame you

Since you are beavers
and impure.

If he's
this obnoxious,
he must be good.

Ou-i.

Yes.

That's what I said.

So make with the eats,
frenchy.

( Cracking )

Yes... Impure one.

I suppose it is time...

( Phip speaking rapidly )

Phip! Oh! Oh!

Ooh-la-la!

Oh, my little foie gras...

I am so sorry
and I apologize
with all of my heart.

( Rattling )

I need a new sous-chef

And you are him!

Even though you're
a beaver and impure.

Okay, let's cook!

Ooh!

( expl*si*n )

( Gasps )

Huh?

Eee.

That's it?

It is only
the first course.

How many courses
are there?

752, Give or take.

( Woman singing ):
♪ ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ha-ha ♪

♪ The beavers make a toast ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ha-la ♪

♪ Who's at the window? ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ha-ha ♪

♪ A hot and hearty soup ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ha-ha ♪

♪ A very desperate cook ♪

♪ Drink the water,
it's so fine ♪

♪ Chew the food
one bite at a time ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ha-ha ♪

♪ He's back at the window! ♪

( Slurping... )

Did it work?

Oh, yeah, it worked.

Of course it did

Because I am the best chef
this side of the maginot line.

You only doubted me

Because you are beavers
and impure.

( Loud gurgling... )

Norbie, I don't feel
so good.

Oh, no...

He's going to blow!

( Small fart )

( Hissing... )

Man:
name's huttin divan.

But you can call me
morbidly obese.

And this here
is my fat farm.

Now, if you look
off yonder

You can see my fat field.

Soon we'll be harvesting

The first crop,
if you get my meaning.

Or if you don't know
what I mean.

Whichever.

Anyway, over there
is sucksy

Our butter-producing cow.

The tough part
is churning the butter

While it's still inside
of old sucksy.

Daggett:
ouch.

And if you look
right over there

You see
the old lard mill.

That vein's been producing
since 1972

And haven't even hinted
at tapping out.

Norby, with all this,
I'll be fat faster

Than you can say
roscoe arbuckle.

Well, my small-boned
friend

And I don't mean that
despicedlately

I think it's a little
too close to winter

To use conventional
methods of fattening.

Right now's the time
for them desperate measures.

And I am desperate, mr. Divan.

Oh, I can see that.

( Crows )

Huttin ( sniffling ):
does my heart good

To see old granddaddy's fat suit
put to use again.

You know, he was unnaturally
thin like you is, boy.

( Engine starts )

Wait until my friends
get a look at me.
( Chuckles )

I bet not even barry
is as big as I am, baby!

Okay, dag, just
thank the nice man

And we can...

Oh, wait,
wait, wait.

Do I hear a hint
of jealousy

Coming from my itsy-bitsy
perstickinterpitable brother
norb?

Now listen here,
doofus.

Well, how would you feel if I
was even fatter, interpitable?

Whoa, I'd like to see you
indubitably try.

Well, fine, I will.

No! No, no, don't!

That ain't no olestra, boy!

It's unprocessed lard!

It's volatile!

Top of the world, ma!

I'll be as fat
as the fattest guy

Who ever lived fatly
on this fat earth!

( Grinding and sputtering )

( Clanking and whirring )

( expl*si*n )

( Screaming... )

Oh, man, this is worse than
the great grease fire of '67!

Good one, dag.

I blame you.

( Panting ):
so you... Destroyed your last
chance at surviving the winter.

You, uh,
you never know.

Maybe this winter's
not going to be so bad.

Maybe a comet
will hit the earth

And knock it
closer to the sun.

Or maybe a volcano will
spring up next to the dam.

Huh? That could happen.

Don't cry for me,
norbentina.

( Crying )

I may be a svelte
and well-toned outcast

But I am still
a beaver being

And I will live
my life

With honor
and dig-nitey.

And if it means that I turn blue

Like one of those frozen blue
guys on tv with the hats

So be it.

Brave little soldier.

( Wind blowing... )

( Norb sniffling... )

Well, that crazy
little groundhog came
out of his hole today

And it looks like winter
will be over soon.

Did you hear that, dag?

Winter's almost over.

( Dag talking, voice muffled )

What's that, little buddy?

I said great!

I'll go iron my swimsuit.

And now, back to
the day the clown cried.

This movie always makes me cry.

( Norbert crying... )

Huttin:
well, nothing to do now
but hide in the sewage cellar

And hope
someone shows up

With a, a real greatodius,
big old... Pot lid.

( Owl hooting )

Daggett:
come on, come on, come on!
What do you do in there
for three hours?

( Toilet flushing )

Perfect!

( Muttering )

Alread-ya
for bed-ya.

Bathroom's
all yourses.

( Grumbling )
it's about timey.

Just be careful
not to move my mirrors.

I got them just rightey.

Yeah, yeah...
"Watch my mirrors."

( Glass breaks, daggett grunts )

Hey, what the...?

Eee.

( Grunts )

Ooh!

Spooty mirror!

( Grunts, groans )

Spooty mirror!

( Grunting )

( Glass breaks )

( Grunts )

Norbert:
good night

Shaggy baggy saggy
haggy raggy-y-y daggie.

( Chuckles )

Yuh... Bleh.

( Grumbling... )

Good night, baggy saggy waggy...

Spooty, spooty stuck-on-himself,
thinks-he's-so-cool guy!

( Gasps )

Norbert, this has
got to stop.

You're so stuck
on yourself

You're like really...
Stuck on yourself.

You're driving me insanitary.

Ooey!

Short drive,
block and a half at best.

Very funny, ha-ha,
doctor jones.

Listen, daggie cakes, because
this is a very important point

That's likely to affect
the course of your life.

Unless you like yourself,
others won't like you.

Oh, yeah, well, people
just like me just fine

Thank you very much,
good night, sir.

( Laughing )
sorry...

What's so funny?

Almost no one likes you.

What about barry,
and stump, and...

Nyet, nada, no way, dag-gay.

Face it-- I'm the only person
that likes you.

As your brother,
I'm required to by law.

People... Don't... Like... Me?

( Glass breaking )
geh?

( Clattering )

( Affecting accent ):
the amazing, likey-likey-
liking-himself-a-lot dag

Is wearing his new look
for the day

And everybody
likey-like-likes it.

Good morning, norbie.
Say hello to the new

Likey-likey-
liking-myself-a-lot me.

You look like
you dove into
your underwear drawer.

Ooh! Who told you!

That's a fashion secret!

Now I'm pouting, because
that's what beautiful people
like-like-likey myself a lot

Do when we're upset. Mmm!

Isn't everything I do wonderful?
It's like you said.

Unless you like yourself,
others won't like you.

Peace, love and gossip

Of course, you have to be cool
first, which you isn't!

Norbie's jealous,
norbie's jealous.

♪ I'm too sexy
for my clothes. ♪

That ought to do it!

When everyone sees
how dopey dag looks

He'll be embar-rassed right back
into his old oopya-poopya self.

( Chuckles )

Oh, daggie-doopy, you can stop
wearing that underwear.

Geh!

Already have, love,
but I can't stop the world

From doing it.

Guh!

Daggett?

Ooh-la-la?

( Tires squealing )

( Gasps )

For the love of dog,
has the whole world gone mad?!

Yes! They've gone mad
for moi.

That means "me"
in sophisticated french talk.

By the way,
I've outgrown my old name.

From now on,
you may call me d. Deux.

That means "d. Two."

Here, trois, have my symbol.

Sorry, norb

But I have to ignore you now
like you usually do to me.

It's what we fashionable likey-
likey-liking-ourselves-a-lot
people do to vous common types.

Wait a second.

You don't ignore me.

I ignore you!

Stop not paying attention to me
this instant!

I'm norbert foster beaver!

I do the ignoring around here!

You come back here
so I can not care!

( Creaking... )

Man:
you are simply the best.

No one is better than you.

You're the smartest,
the prettiest and the
nicest darn person around

So likey-like-like yourself.

( Snoring... ):
Moi...

And now it's time to get up,
you beautiful, wonderful person

For another glorious day
of being you.

Ooh, the way you walk,
that way you...

( Tape speeds up, continues... )

( Tape stops )

Oh, what a glorious morning!

Dag is in his heaven and
all is right with the world.

♪ Oh, norbie...? ♪

Time for another day
of me, moi, myness.

Hmm, he must already be
up rejoicing.

( Music playing )

( Coughing )

What is that music pathetic cue?

Don't they know I'm here?

( Chuckling )

( Burps )

Welcome to the slob channel.

It's 8:00 a.m.

All you slobs should
still be in bed like me

But since you're up, here's
the slob tip of the day...

Hey, shut that trailer door!

What do you think
this is, a barn?!

Never tuck your shirt in.

You're only going to
have to untuck it again

To wipe that pork rind grease
off of your fingers there.

( Belches )

Oh, excuse me.

( Turns off tv )

( Sniffs )

Eww, time to take out
the recycling!

Ooh-hoo!

Recycle this, pretty boy.

Norbert!

I can't believe it.

Believe it, pal.

There is no dog, and from
now on, my name's bert.

I can't believe you'd
be in such a pathetic
condition in my presence.

This is all about you, isn't it?

You mean vous.

Go back to that 24-hour
beauty parlor lie
you call a life.

Daggett:
look at you!

Remember
what you said.

Unless you
like yourself

Others won't
like you.

I'm liking me just fine.

Now b*at it!

( Both coughing and gasping )

Fine-a!

Wallow in
your loserliness.

I am the best.

No one is better than me.

I'm the smartest, prettiest,
nicest darn person around.

There's a whole world
out there that... ( Coughing )

A whole world out there
of people that can't get
enough of me.

In fact, I declare today
a national holiday.

Merry dag day, bert.

Yap, yap, yap.

Ain't you gone yet?!

Don't forget to buy me
something nice.

Don't forget to run off a cliff.
( Burps )

Come along, come along,
move along, people, move along

Loyal followers of
the methode de dag deux.

Welcome to your new home,
dag-ri-la.

( Deep voice groaning )

Heh?

You...
( Chuckling )

But not you.

You seem to have some sort
of intestinal problem.

Norbert ( muffled ):
hey, one of you mutants go out
and get me a cheese log.

I'm feeling a bit peckish.

( Music and laughter )

If you don't want to end up
like bert-- the beaver
formerly known as norbert--

Watch this tape.

Hey, I was watching
that infomercial!

Somebody write down
that toll-free number.

I need me that jerky maker!

Daggett:
hi, friends.
Are vous like I vas?

Not liking vousself much
and not liking it?

Well, that can all change today.

Just follow my d. Deux
tres step le plan

And soon vouse will be

Likey-like-liking
yourself

As much as I
likey-like-like-like me.

( Chuckles )

All:
aw...

Look at you! ( Burps )

Are your lives that crummy?

This is dag
you're listening to.

Dag, remember?

He has trouble standing and
breathing at the same time.

( Gasping )

I...( Gasps )...
Deux... ( Gasps )... Not.

Ooh! ( Wheezes )

Okay, so I do,
but that doesn't mean

You shouldn't still
likey-like-like me.

I still likey-like-like me
a whole big, big amount.

And lots, too.

Oh, yeah?
Well, if you

Likey-like-like-like
yourself so much

How come you're
living with a...
( Burps )

Stinking garbage heap
like me?

( Burps )

Hey! I thought you said
you like you just fine!

You can only be
a garbage pile
for so long

Before a little
self-loathing
creeps in.

Norbie, for a moment there,
you appeared almost...
Vulnera-bleh!

It's a cry for help.

This calls for a dagtervention!

Look at yourself, norb!

See what you've become!

( Screams )

Yes!

How could I have
slid so far?

Come, my friends. As your
leader to the methode de deux
of likey-like-liking yourself

Follow me! Come hug!

Hug this big stinkpile
that is mon frere!

( Door slams )

So much for
your followers.

Ah, easy come, easy go.

Anyway, them
following me everywhere
was getting kind of creepy.

You don't have to
do this, dag.

I know I don't,
but how much can a guy
likey-like-like himself

If he can't hug
his own brother?

Even if he is
covered in filth.

( Holds breath )

Big hug! Big hug!

( Groaning )

Daggett:
you know, except for the...

( Wheezing )

The gagging stench--
geez, you stink--

This isn't so bad.

( Coughing )

I think it's time for
a little showerfication, eh?

Yeah, baby!