04x09 - Doug Ripped Off!/Doug's Babysitter

[bunniefuu]

[ Yelps]

[ Barks]

[ Electric guitar playing]

[ Man singing scat]

[ Barks]

Cool! Whoa!

[ Thwack]

[ Barks]

Doug:
dear journal

How could I ever forget
the day I got my first bike.

It was all sparkly and shiny

The coolest bike
in the neighborhood.

But when the shine
started to wear off

And everybody else started
getting new dirt bikes

I realized how lame
my old bike was.

That's how things stood this
morning when skeeter came over.

Oh, man.

[ Doorbell rings]

Hey, man.

Want to go ride bikes?

I wish I had a cool
dirt bike like yours.

Your bike's okay.

Yeah, right.

I'm thinking about hiring
somebody to steal it.

[ Screams]

Who did it? Who did it?
Who did it?

Relax, man, who did what?

[ Screaming:]
who stole my bike?

[ Footsteps]

[ Hinge creaks]

[ Barks]

That's me.

Hey!

[ Barks]

[ Yelps]

Bluffington operator,
what is your emergency?

Hello, somebody
stole my bike.

What is your
address, please?

Jumbo street.

[ Doorbell rings]

Who is it?

Woman:police.

Somebody report
a theft?

Both:
wow!

Thank you.

So where are
your parents, kid?

Shopping.

Will you dust
for fingerprints?

Yeah, sure, kid.

How much would you say
the bike is worth?

Well, at least $.

[ Grunts]

Did the perpetrators
expropriate anything else?

Ex... Excuse me?

What else did they steal?

Nothing, I think.

A professional would have
taken something more expensive.

My guess is it was just
some kid about your age.

But I know all
the kids around here.

Maybe not as well
as you think.

Okay, that should do it.

We'll mail you a copy
of the report in a week or so.

Skeeter:
you're going to get
the bike back in a week?

Nah, I doubt
we'll get it back.

Both:
what?

No clues, no leads, no evidence.

Son, your bike is long gone.

Have a nice day.

My bike... Gone.

Mmm, I know how
you feel, man.

I know how
you feel, man.

I know how you feel, man.

[ Doug groaning]

[ Bell sounds]

I know how
you feel, man.

Skeeter didn't have a clue
how I felt.

Nobody did.

I felt completely alone.

[ Whines]

Except for you,
porkchop.

I wish I knew
who took it.

What if it is
someone I know?

Come on, guys.

They seem so... Innocent.

Hi, doug.

Sorry about
your bike.

Want to come to the
honker burger with us?

Oh, sure, I guess.

Great.

Let's go!

Sorry.

Wouldn't a real burglar

Take something
like a stereo or a tv?

The police said
it was probably a kid

Because all they took
was a lame, old bike.

Sip?

It wasn't a lame bike.

It was a classic.

Okay, maybe not a classic,
but it was mine.

Look on the bright side.

They didn't
steal your brain

Like in zombie beach party.

[ Laughing]

What were they all laughing at?

Think they unloaded
the bike yet?

No, they probably
chopped it up for parts.

You got to move fast,
it's a cash-and-carry business.

How did they know
about stealing bikes?

That's what
they do on tv.

Hey, you guys.

Here, doug,
I bought you some fries.

And where was connie suddenly
getting all of this money?

What about the
registration number?

That comes off
with a file.

It seemed like it could
have been any of them.

Rats!

It's open, you numbskull.

Duh, it's gone.

Roger:
I got here
first, losers.

Chalky:
hand over the bike
and nobody gets hurt.

All:
chalky.

Nobody gets out
until I get the bike.

Connie:
not so fast,
beebe.

The bike is mine.

Ooh!

Give me the bike or...

[ Whack]

Or everybody gets it.

All:
the bike is mine.

Give it.

[ Clamoring:]
the bike is mine.

Whoever had stolen my bike,
well, I was going to make sure

They didn't get
any more of my stuff.

But before I could do that,
I had to get it all back.

It took almost an hour

But I got back everything
I had ever loaned to anyone.

Guys, it's me, doug,
I came for my flashlight.

We're busy, you cannot come in.

Why not?

What are you hiding?

Power is mine.

The heat of a thousand suns.

[ Demonic laughter]

Doug, you need goggles in here.

You might have been blinded.

Sorry, can I have
my flashlight back?

Certainly,
it's over there.

When I had all my stuff back

I made sure nobody could
ever steal it again

But I still didn't feel safe.

[ Snoring]

Hmm.

[ Loud drilling]

Hmm.

[ Thunderous expl*si*n]

Hmm.

Security?

You've come
to the right place.

I own more security
devices than fort knox.

I've got alarms
on my alarms.

Why, I could show you...

Wait, what are you
looking for?

I want to be totally safe.

Well, safety is
a relative thing, douglas.

Relatively expensive, that is.

I mean, do you think
you need computerized locks?

Yes.

Oh, well, how about
closed-circuit tv?

Yes.

Laser-activated alarm system?

Yes.

b*llet-proof glass windows?

Yes.

Steel-reinforced concrete walls?

Yes, I need
all these things.

I want my room to be a fortress.

I want to know
everything

That happens in it.

I want to be totally
safe from everybody.

I trust no one.

Douglas, are you insane?

[ Siren wailing]

There goes the alarm.

Shouldn't we check it?

It's probably a squirrel.

Darn thing goes off
all the time.

I don't pay attention anymore.

You're right.

It's just al and moo
on their bike.

Wait a minute.

That's mybike.

Give me back my bike.

Doug funnie
has gone berserk.

We are doomed.

Both:
whoa!

You creeps!

You stole my bike.

No, insane doug.

We purchased it.

At a thrift store.

Don't lie.

b*at it before I call the cops.

[ Screaming]

What have they done to you?

They've mutilated you,
those monsters.

Hey, there, mister.

Have we got a surprise for you.

Ta-da!

It was on sale.

You bought me a new bike?

Let's just call it
an early christmas gift.

Don't worry about
your old bike.

We recycled it.

You did?

Yes, we gave it
to the thrift store.

Skeeter:
whoa! Cool bike!

This is the best.

Now you can ride
with us again.

[ Siren wailing]

There he is,
officers.

Careful, he's dangerous.

Hold your horses, you two.

Excuse me, mr. And mrs. Funnie

But these kids claim your
boy doug took their bike.

Is this true, son?

I can explain.

That's how I got my new bike.

I gave my old bike back
to al and moo.

I was glad it had found
a good home.

Once I explained everything
to mom and dad

They just grounded me
for a week.

I guess it serves me right.

How could I have suspected
my friends of stealing from me?

I'm glad I got over that.

Well, good-night, porkchop.

Doug:
it was going to be paradise.

Mom and dad won a cruise

So judy and I would have
the house to ourselves

For a whole week.

Mrs. Funnie:
you have the doctor's
phone number?

Mother, dougie and I
will be fine.

Don't worry.

We're not babies.

We're counting
on you two.

Don't you worry
about us.

Everything will be
just fine.

Phil, this is
the first time

We've left our babies
alone for a week.

They're not babies.

They're responsible
young...

[ Crash]

Judy:
give me that.

Doug:
hey, I was
watching that.

You little twerp,
give me the remote.

Porkchop, catch.

All right.

I'll k*ll you.

Hey... Ow!

Can it, judy.

[ Doug and judy gasp]

Mom! Dad!

Forget something?

Mrs. Stinson...

Thank you for coming
on such short notice.

Douglas!judith!

I want you to meet
mrs. Stinson...

Your baby-sitter.

Both:
baby-sitter?

[ Footsteps]

[ Hinge creaks]

[ Barks]

That's me.

Hey!

[ Yelps]

[ Barks]

Don't worry about a thing.

Have a nice vacation.

[ Slam]

Now, why the long
faces, children?

We're spending a week together.

Let's make the best of it.

How do we do that?

It's simple
once you know the rules.

♪ For every thing
you'll want to do ♪

♪ There is a rule or two ♪

♪ To help children
to learn some discipline. ♪

♪ According to the rules,
we always do our chores ♪

♪ According to the rules,
animals live outdoors ♪

♪ Before we watch tv
or go out to have some fun ♪

♪ Fill out these forms
and tell me... ♪

Where you're going,
who you're with

The name of two adults
who'll be there

♪ And make sure
your homework's done. ♪

Shakespeare?
No, no...

That man had a dirty mind.

♪ According to the rules. ♪

♪ According to the rules. ♪

Don't be nervous, sunflower.

Mommy is baby-sitting again,
and she needs your help.

Children, I smell children.
♪ According to the rules. ♪

And while we're at it...

♪ No telephone calling ♪

♪ No reading comics ♪

♪ No crazy outfits ♪

♪ My late husband ♪

♪ Dark glasses are not worn
inside the house ♪

♪ And a dinner made
entirely of prunes. ♪

Eat up, children.

That woman is bizarre.

Man, you look weird.

Youshould talk.

And I'm k*lling you for this.

Me?

If you weren't
so immature...

No talking
at the table

Or do I need to
sing the song again?

Both:
no!

Now dig in before
your food congeals.

Prunes are the best thing
for your digestion.

Ooh.

Oopsie.

There we go.

Mmm... Yum.

See, all gone.

Well, better get to my homework.

An hour later, I was starving.

Porkchop snuck out
for peanutty buddies.

Stinson:
come on, baby.

That's it.

Just a little closer.

[ Yelp]

Ah-ah-ah!

Naughty doggie.

It was the worst week of my life

And it had only been one day.

It would take a superhero
to handle mrs. Stinson.

Announcer:
once again, the adventures
of quail man.

Parrot:
daydreaming.

He's not doing his homework.

Thank you, sunflower.

Oh, what do we have here?

You know the rule,
young man.

And as my late husband
always said:

"The rules were not made
to be broken."

Now, get to work.

Get to work.

I never thought I'd be so happy
to go to school.

Mr. Bone:
and finally, on
today's lunch menu

My personal recommendation...

Mmm-mm...
Creamed bologna burritos.

Just a reminder that tickets
are still available

For the civic awards ceremony

Where yours truly
will be receiving

The disciplinarian
of the year award.

I'll have bologna burritos

Fries, mustard, relish, ketchup

Creamed corn with beef topping.

Man, I've never seen
anybody so excited

About school food.

Stinson:
hold it!

That won't be necessary.

Douglas's parents would
never forgive me

If I didn't make sure
he had a nutritious lunch.

[ Kids laughing]

Stinson:
children...

Now that you've
finished your homework

We'll watch exactly
one half hour of tv.

Announcer:
top prison guards--
the show that takes you

Inside correction facilities

And shows you life
as a prison guard.

Oh, I love this show.

My late husband and I
watched this show every week.

Oh, look
at the time.

Better hit the sack.

But judy, it's only :.

Shut up.

I mean, early to bed,
early to rise.

Sensible girl.

Huh?

You could learn
a lot from her.

Hmm, yeah, maybe I could.

Judy?

Wait, I'm coming, too.

Quiet.

Someone has to stay here
and distract her.

You... You, stay.

You don't
want her
to find out

What you've
been doing

With your
prunes.

But...

It's every man for himself.

Okay, at least bring me back
a cheeseburger.

Oh, sure.

What would you like on it?

Ketchup and mustard and fries,
large fries.

Stinson:
children!

I've got some nice warm
buttermilk and cod liver oil.

Oh, no! Judy!

Judy?

No, don't go...

Where's your sister?

Oh, um... She's, um...

[ Whispering]

What?

Oh, really?

Well, we'll see about that.

Boy, can I relate
to her despair.

Man:
excuse me

But is there
a judith funnie here today?

Oh, judith, you're safe.

You had me worried
half to death.

Thank you both so much.

Cheeseburgers?

How do you want to die,
stool pigeon?

Quick or slow?

I didn't rat on you.

It was the parrot.

Honest.

Listen, judy...

To get out of
mrs. Stinson's clutches

We'll have to
combine forces.

That woman has nothing better
to do than annoy us.

She needs to
get a life.

Wait, judy, that's it.

I know how we can
get her out of our hair.

See.

Yeah.

It's awfully quiet around here
all of a sudden.

Too quiet.

You keep an eye out.

I'll do a perimeter check.

Righty-o.

[ Whistle]

Hello, handsome,
new around here?

[ Whistles]

Oh, baby.
Oh, baby.

Why don't you come over
and see me some time, big boy?

Sunflower:
hubba, hubba, hubba.

[ Giggles]

Oopsie.

Children?

Oh, thank you.

I'm so clumsy sometimes.

[ Sunflower squeals]

[ Muffled:]
let me out.

You know what to do.

Meet at city hall at hours.

Judy?

I knew it, I knew it.

Sunflower?

[ Sunflower cawing]

Trick.

Children escaped... City hall.

City hall?

Sunflower:
hours.

Don't worry, sunflower.

Mommy will discipline
those nasty children.

Mr. Bone:
you know, webster's dictionary
defines discipline

As training that corrects, molds

Or perfects the mental faculties
or moral character.

It's always been my motto
that contrary to popular belief

The rules were not
made to be broken.

Thank you very much.

Stinson:
bravo! Bravo! Bravo!

Encore!

What a beautiful speech.

You... Think so.

Announcer:
top prison guards--
the show that takes you

Inside correction facilities...

Mrs. Stinson, we're going
to the honker burger.have fun!

Take your time.

Prune?

Oh, thank you.

Life was great

Once mrs. Stinson got
together with mr. Bone.

Judy and I learned
we made a pretty good team

Once we cooperated.

Hey, you... Oh!