03x09 - No Noble Rite

[bunniefuu]

Don't worry about the council.
I got them sorted.

That's what I like to hear.

I reckon she gives him
information for that.

Ooh. sh*t.
Van!

Hey, Jethro. Hey, council lady.

We're done and dusted.

What? Are you breaking up with me?

Yeah, cos you're toxic. I don't
want you anywhere near my life.

I, uh, rather asked Pascalle
to marry me, and she said yes.

Don't worry about me. You're the one
I should worry about — with bird flu
and everything.

I'm gonna study it, not catch it.

Did you pack those
extra masks I gave you?

I did. Thank you.

But can we talk about Linda?

Look, I told you —
I'm cool with Linda.

I don't want you worrying about that
when you should worry about birds.

My sister's hard work, OK?

Yeah, you said.

She's pretty tricky but staunch.

So don't let what
she says get to you.

No, I won't.

Some people find her
quite offensive—

Shh...

♪ ...you lost your ticket.
Have you got a new...

[ HORN HONKS

♪ ...saviour? ♪

Listen up. Listen to me.
I'm only gonna say this once.

Good.
No interrupting! OK,

this means a lot to me.

More to me than any of you. I know
you're my family, and I love you cos
I have to,

but being accepted into Bruce's
family is way more important.

So if any of you screw up when
Bruce's sister comes to visit—

You'll do what?
Leave?

Why would we screw this up?

You may not be able to help it, Mum.
Linda is a really staunch Muslim,
and you're... you.

Linda is not a very Muslim name.

She was born here, dummy.

But she lives in London, and all
the Muslims in London are really
staunch.

No, they're not.
Well, Bruce says this one is, and
I believe him over you any day.

This is what we're going to do.
All the women — you too, Loretta —

will welcome Linda into this house
in the traditional fashion — their
tradition, not ours —

which means no dr*gs, Van; no piss;

and, Mum, no flashing
your tits about.

I do not flash my tits about.

And what do the menfolk do?
f*ck off.

Is that the Muslim term?

They segregate the sexes in
the Muslim world, so that is
what we'll do here.

Bruce is my world, and his
sister is gonna love me,

and if any bastard fucks with
that, I'll rip out their heart

and jump on it till it looks
like a hamburger patty.

Heh!
Got it?

Good.

HELLO SAILOR'S 'GUTTER BLACK'

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

♪ My luck in the gutter black.

♪ I guess I'm running back...

♪ ...to you.

♪ You in my brain.
You in my heart. ♪

So, do I get the loan, Lloyd?

It's a very strong application.

I thought so.

Unfortunately...
Unfortunately what?

The bank has strict criteria.
We can't lend to just anyone.

I'm not just anyone.

I know that, Miss West.

Lloyd, under my management,
the Video Hut now turns
a healthy profit.

Once I own it, it'll go through
the roof. I know my customer base,
I'm smart, and I'm hungry to expand.

And you're . We don't actually
lend this amount of money to
-year-olds.

Are you discriminating against me
on the grounds of my age, Lloyd?

It's not just your age, Miss West.

We needs security. You have
no assets or guarantor.

If I have a guarantor,
you'll give me the loan?

An established professional...

with a stable income.

Well, why didn't you just say so?

No.

Ha ha. Very funny (!)

Sign it.

Loretta, that is
a shitload of money.

I'm good for it.

Obviously you're not,
otherwise you wouldn't need me.

It's just a bank formality.

I need someone older holding my hand
cos I'm just a sweet little girl.

Uh-huh.

Jethro, don't be a prick.
I know what I'm doing.

That's what worries me.

I'm not going to lose money.

No, I know. You'll make money.

Then you'll hide it, and when you
get bored the Video Hut will go
out of business,

and I'll be left in the g*n.

You have such a suspicious mind.

Only when it comes to you.

Sign it.
No.

Jethro.

Sign it.

No.

You're a prick. f*ck you.

Fair enough. And don't even
think about forging my signature.

That's the most fun
you'll have all day.

Shut up. Now, is this acceptable or
does this count as flashing my tits?

I don't know. Come here. Giz a look.

Shouldn't you be leaving now?

I'm gonna miss out
on all that mint tea.

Come on, you — get out before I get
Pascalle in here to throw you out.

Anything but that. No, no, no.

Hey, what are these?

Dates.

They look like arseholes.

No, the arsehole looks like you.

Nah.

Mum! Tits!

Oh, for God's sake...
Arsehole?

And no blasphemy. The Muslims are
really sensitive about blasphemy.

What's that?
You said we had to cover our heads.

No. Not in a stupid way. Mum.

Put something sensible on your head.
Where's yours?

I'll do it soon. How did
the meatballs turn out?

Small and brown. Like the dates.

Which look like arseholes.

Everyone with a penis, out now!

Does that include her?

Now!

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
No.

Bye, baby.

f*ck off. Enough!

Pub?

Yeah, righty—oh.

INSTRUMENTAL ROCK MUSIC

I thought this was a family thing.
What is she doing here? In fact,
what is she doing here at all?

Well, we have a deal.

And Van's probably out getting
pissed. She's really coming through.

Um, actually, I got Van a job.

Since when?
He starts tomorrow. As a courier.

Your father hired him?

I had to beg him,
but I believe in Van.

I mean, he's been to a dark place.
But he can turn his life around.
Starting with this job.

OK. She stays.

You better not stuff this up.

I have always been there for
you, especially at parties.

This isn't that kind of party.

No. No chundering,
or water polo teams.

And we won't be mentioning that. OK?

Because Bruce is your one love and
you were a virgin when you met him.

OK. That's what we're talking about.

Are vast amounts of bullshit
OK in Muslim world?

Hey, ladies!
Hey.

What the f*ck are you doing here?

Cheryl said there was a party.

No! No party! Out!

Pascalle, I asked Kasey and
Rochelle, as female friends,
to give us moral support and stuff.

Except they have no morals.

Sorry to hear about your boyfriend.

Mum, you can't do this sort of sh*t.

Nice to know you're not wanted.

You're worse than her
with her bazookas out!

And, you, I strictly
said no alcohol!

Oh, no, no. This is for
later — after Muslim curfew.

Hey, I've got a sitter.
I'm in for the long haul.

No! There will be no long haul!
This is a serious night. And you
don't even have things on your head!

Was she serious?
I thought you were joking.

Yeah, they're not wearing
anything on their heads.

Pascalle.
No. Not one more f*cking
stupid comment from you.

OK, but you might want to know
that there's a woman behind you.

Oh. Where?

Hi. You must be Linda.

You must be Pascalle.

God, it is so good to meet you.
I mean,... it's really good to
meet you, but without the God.

Though there is one.

Hello, everyone.

Hi.
Hi.

Hi.

♪ It's out of my hands. ♪

I've got a surprise for you.

Yeah?

I'll tell you at the restaurant.

What's wrong with now?

What's wrong with the restaurant?

I, uh, I'm not very good at
surprises. Just tell me now.

I've left my husband.

How come?

All those business trips?
He's got some slut in Blenheim.

Really?

Bastard.

Yeah.

How's that different from
what we've been doing?

He got caught.

Right.

I'm really looking forward to
tonight — being able to go on
an actual date.

Yeah. Mm. We should go, eh? Yeah.

DIRTY BLUES PLAYS

Oi! Shop!

What can I get you?

Munter, what'd you
do with the barman?

Tonight, I am the barman.

You're sh1tting me.

Nope.

What can I get you fullas?

I don't share his attitude
to your employment, son.

Thanks, Ted.

Drinks on the house, then?

No can do. Nice try.

On me. Beer, Munter.

And a port.

Lifestyle change. Work for a living.

They needed someone a couple
of nights. I put my hand up.

Oh. Good boy.

It's for Kasey. All her boyfriends
were losers who couldn't hold down
a job. I'm breaking the mould.

Yeah, the things we
do for our women, eh?

I reckon. I'll get you that beer.

Two ticks, guys.

Munter with a job. Wow.

He is really into the idea.

It's really great too — the man
being the breadwinner of the family.

I do still have a job.

Well, yeah, I know, but it's
traditional that the guy goes
out and works.

And you stay home and cook.

I love cooking.

Since when?

Since ever.

Um. Pascalle made all of this
herself. She's a real awesome
homemaker.

You enjoy the traditional
woman's role, do you, Pascalle?

Totally.
I like a traditional roll myself.

So, Linda, are you back for good?

Oh, just a visit — see the family.

Meet... Bruce's... bride—to—be.

So, West Auckland must be real
different from London, eh?

Yeah. Yeah.
It is.

He's a really cool guy, eh, Bruce.

Yeah, yeah. He's the bright
one of the family, apparently.

So, which ones are the dates
and which ones are the meatballs?

Well, if they taste like meat,
then they're the meatballs.

So, they kick you out?

Not so much as 'kicked out'.

They say go, you go. Smack you
with a p*ssy whip on the way out.

They're drinking tea, we're at
the pub. Who's winning, Falani?

That's right.
Though it's not
the company I'd choose.

Always a pleasure, Ted.

Another port, then.

I bought the last two.
Your round — I'll have a beer.

Oh, yeah. I'll have a vodka.

Shouldn't you be running
back home to Mrs Falani?

Hey, the cock in my house crows,

not the hen.

She's not home, is she?

Apia. Visiting her Mum.
But I'm still the cock.

Oh, no argument there.

You're going to make me pay?
I served for my country.

Your only service was serving time.

I served — in the jungle.

Oh, come on. Pay up, Ted.

Put it on the pig's tab.

Hey, he hasn't got a tab.

f*ckin' cheapskates.

Hey, keep swearing, I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.

Arsewipe.
I heard that.

Get your own.

A bottle of the pinot, thanks.

I love this.

What's that?

Not having to hide at your place.
Not that there's anything wrong with
that.

I'm sorry, by the way,

about your husband.

I'll get over it.

Well, if you need a bit of time
for yourself, you know, get things
sorted out. I'm fine with that.

What's to sort out?

Oh, I don't know. Where you're
at in your head, with your life.

I'm with you at dinner —
I'm exactly where I want to be.

I was just giving you the option.

The option to call it off.

Nah, just put us on hold for
a while if that's what you want.

Jethro, I knew the minute I saw you
you were going to change my life.

I never broke any rules before,
but for you I wanted to.

It felt like being alive
for the first time, and...

sh*t.

What?

Ah. It's your mate.

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

Jethro.
Gary.

Oh, Treena, Gary; Gary, Treena.

Pleased to meet you, Treena.
I've heard a lot about you.

Not too much, I hope. I like
to keep a bit of mystery.

Well, I won't linger. You two
look like you wanna be alone.

I changed my world for you.

and now we've got the chance to
really get to know each other
better.

Mmm. Just pour.

More mint tea, Loretta?

Oh, no, thanks, Rochelle.
I'm completely minted.

Linda, it's a real pleasure to
welcome you into this family.

Oh, thank you, Cheryl. I feel
honoured to be welcomed like this.
Is this how you normally do it?

No, this was all Pascalle's idea.

She wanted to embrace your culture
the way she's embraced Bruce.

But not the way that sounds.

No. Cos they're waiting
for their wedding night.

Which, um, culture is this?

Um, the, you know,...

Muslim one. Bruce and I
have talked about it heaps.

Is that so?

I've been trying to get to grips
with all the traditions and stuff.

Will you being doing the bra'zan?

Oh, actually, I haven't
come across that one yet.

It is a purification ceremony.
Preparing the temple of the body
for the sacrament of marriage.

Fun.

The bra'zan is a group ritual,
actually — all the women of
the wedding party take part.

Yay.
Now would be the perfect time.

Do we need any, you know,
special equipment or anything?

Just the Yellow Pages.

I didn't know Muslims were
big on beauty parlours.

Oh, we like to look good.

And the bride is a special canvas
to be prepared for her husband.

How, exactly?

Uh, the bra'zan involves the removal
of all body hair below shoulder
level.

All of it?
The stripping away of the old.

Like a Brazilian?

Ah, but the word has nothing to
do with Brazil. It comes from
the bra'zan.

Huh. I never knew that.

So, who's first?

Traditionally, the bride goes last.

Well, Loretta's the youngest.

But Draska probably
has the most to do.

What's the matter Loretta?
Afraid of a bit of pain?

The pain symbolises
the agony of childbirth.

Some of us have felt
the actual agony of childbirth.

I have no intention of feeling
the agony of childbirth ever.

I thought we were here to support
Pascalle. And you are her sister.

Come on, Loretta. You can go first.

They can do your armpits as well.

Whatever they're paying you,
I'll give you double not to—

WAX RIPS

f*ck!

I know one guy who's gonna
really dig this later tonight.

WAX RIPS

Oh God! It's a forest!
WAX RIPS

Oh, yah!

Ha!

OK, love. This is what I want.

Well, that wasn't too bad.

I'm a former model. This is nothing.

Women do this voluntarily?

Well, some women have boyfriends
who like it. Not you, obviously.

So, where's Linda?

If there's a God — Muslim or any
other — she's outside doubled over
in pain.

Right. I need a f*g.

So, uh,

what's in the bottle?

Water.

Tequila. I loaded up on the plane.
This gay-as steward was just handing
them out like lollies.

Right, so, um, drinking's not
really a Muslim thing to do, is it?

Were you under the impression
that I'm Muslim?

Aren't you?

Not particularly.

Pascalle thinks you are.

Ooh yeah.

Yeah. She does, doesn't she?

Just kinda running
with that, aren't ya?

Yeah.

So we all got our pubes
ripped out in there for nothing.

Look, Cheryl, you seem a really
straight—up kind of lady.

And I hate to say this about your
daughter, but she's full of it.

Really.

There's a ritual that can
deal with that actually.

Call me evil, if you want.

Wow, I really do feel like
I've started over. All tingly.

Oh. This means that you're
ready for the hu'si.
The what?

The hu'si. Now that the exterior has
been prepared, the interior follows.

Like, meditating?

There is a certain element
of faith involved.

Well. Where do we go for that one?

They do it here.
Really?

Colonic irrigation — no f*cking way.

Loretta! Language!

I don't care. No one is sticking a—

No, no, this is for the bride
and the bride alone.

But Bruce and I aren't actually
getting married for ages.

Oh, well, the hu'si must follow
straight after the bra'zan.
That's tradition.

Preparations are completed.
They're waiting for you.

You are too good.

What?

Bra'zen — Brazilian, hu'si — hose.

Oh, are these not rituals?

Oh, God.

No, no. Don't you dare tell her!
Don't you dare tell her.

She's going to get a hose
shoved up her butt for no reason!

She totally deserves it.
Yeah, it won't be that bad.

Don't be such a party pooper.
Ladies.

Oh, I could kiss you.

It was tradition, Draska. First
comes suffering, then marriage. At
least it's not the other way round.

You sure you don't want an oyster?

Mm—mm, can't stand them.

Ah, another thing I've learnt
about you. I'll know in future.

And what future would this be?

The one with you and me in it.

Look, I just don't want, um, you
know, what, what's happened with
your husband

to head us off down a— a path
that we're not entirely ready for.

And what path is that?

Want some water?
Do you want a water?

Sure.

Thought I recognized the lovely
Treena — seen her at the council
offices.

Yeah.
Yeah. She's your inside contact.

Yep, she is.

You dog. Thought you'd bribed some
old prick to supplement his pension.
Well done. She scrubs up well.

Mate, you're welcome to her.

She's no fun in the sack?

She could shag for her country.
But she's gone all needy on me.

So?
Well, I just don't need
neediness in my life right now.

Plan was — take her somewhere nice
and quiet, give her the flick.

In my experience, Jethro, it's never
really clear who needs who the most.

For example, how
much do you need her?

Thanks. Ah, well, Moselle Heights
is all through now, so...

What about the next one?
We're not stopping.

She wants commitment,
romance — everything.

You did a bloody good
job on Moselle Heights.

There's an art to it mate, eh.
You just keep her at arm's length.

What was all that about?

Oh, business. Sorry.

Prawn?

OK, that was strange.

ALL LAUGH

What's this?

I tried to stop it, honestly.
But they wouldn't let me.

Why is everyone drinking?

Because she is not a Muslim at all.

Hey. Dad is, Mum isn't. Sometimes
I get a little bit confused.

There's no such thing as a bra'zan
or a hu'si — she made them up!
Why?

I don't know. Maybe its how I react
to people who try too hard to be
something that they're not.

OK, on that note, I think
we should move on, eh?

So can we get pissed now?

Yep.
Yay.

Yay.

I am so sorry, babe. Was it awful?

Yes.

You'd think after the hospitality
we've shown him, he could swing
a free drink.

It's not really his to give away.

You can't take
the force out of the cop.

All I'm saying is that it's not his
piss to give to cheap old bastards
like you.

If you're going to bloody insult
me, I might as well go home.

Good luck.

I'm not scared of them. I'll march
into that house and tell them what's
what.

Sneak round the side and hide
in your caravan, more like it.

I'll bloody do it.
I'll tell those pushy cows.

Off you go then.

Eh?
Tell the pushy cows.

Hello.

What happened to your tea party?

Oh, it got moved on.
I got a surprise for you later.

Ted was just talking
about you, Cheryl. Really?

Yeah, what? What were
going to say to Cheryl?

I was just saying if they walk in
here right now, they better bloody
be buying the drinks.

Fair enough. Same again?

Yeah, nice recovery.

Hey, ladies. What can I get youse?

This, for starters.

Hey, hey, darling!
Not here! I'm working.

So, this is the famous Munter, then.

Yes. My boyfriend. With
a job. Rum and Cokes, ladies?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, and, uh,
three for them over there.

Except for Loretta, obviously.
What?

I know for a fact you are under age.

I've got ID.

I saw you buy it from Corinna
Balani. Just the Coke for you.
She's your responsibility.

Jesus. Thanks, Munt.

You're a f*cking useless barman.

I've warned your Grandpa, and I'm
warning you — no foul language in
my bar!

Arsewipe.

Eh! That's what he said!
Final warning!

Cheers.
Cheers.

She is such a bitch making
everyone laugh at me like that.

I know. Evil ho.

She probably is one too — a ho.

We should wait till she goes to the
loo — follow her and break her arm.

No, I can't. She's Bruce's sister.

But you've still got to get even,
babe. Otherwise she's won.

Shh, shh! She's coming.

No hard feelings, eh?

All I was doing was just trying to
be nice to you — you know, seeing
as we're going to be related soon.

Look, you're totally wrong for
Bruce. No way should he be marrying
you.

What a cow.

Bitch.

Pascalle, are you sure that's wise?
Seeing as how you're, you know,
empty?

ALL LAUGH

How was your steak?

Good.

Where should we go next?

Aren't we going down separate paths?
Isn't that what you were saying?

No.

Well, it sounded like it to me.
'Thanks, Treena. You were real
useful. It was fun, now f*ck off.'

I don't know why you thought that—

Don't crap on to me, Jethro —
you brought me here to dump me.

Uh, no. I didn't.

I didn't. Things have changed with
your husband. Let's talk about
where we can take things.

Take things where?

Well, I don't know — that's what
I want to talk to you about.

Honest.

Do you want dessert?

Excuse me.

I don't think this is a good idea.

Shut up.
You're pissed.

Hey. You. So, do they have pool
in London or wherever you're from?

Sure.

Do you want a game?

Rack 'em up.

So, you don't think I'm
good enough for Bruce, eh?

I don't think you're right for him.

I think you're wrong.

Well, then, that's
just the way it is.

So, do you want to make this game
a little bit more interesting?

Pascalle—
Uh, uh, uh.

Do you think this is a good idea?

What did you have in mind?

Strip pool.

So every ball I sink,
you take something off.

And vice versa.

If you can sink anything.

QUIETLY: Say yes, say yes...

You're on.

There is a God.

I'll break.
What's going on?

Pascalle's challenged
Imran's sister to strip pool.

Is Pascalle pissed?

Yep.

Sorry.

I really love Bruce.

I know.

Guess I'm on overs.

Shouldn't you be stopping this?

No, no. Shh. Just wait.

Do you know how much I love Bruce?

Really?
Really, really.

[ Come on, sweetheart. Concentrate.

Way to go, baby!

So Pascalle's not pissed?

Yeah, yeah, she's pissed.

And nothing you say will
stop me from marrying him.

So Pascalle's good at pool?

Nah, usually she's sh*t at pool.

Except when she's pissed, then
there's this window where she's
pure genius.

She's like the West family champion
of playing pool while pissed.

Then she has one drink too
many, and the window closes.

Get it off!

So, do you want to show us what
your bra'zan looks like up close?

Take it off!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! What do you guys
think this place is? Some kind of
strip club?

That's it! Out!

Eh?

You're drunk and disorderly!
You're throwing me out?

I'm doing my job.

We should change
your name to w*nk*r.

Have you been drinking?

I'm in a bar. Yes, I've
been f*cking drinking!

You're out! You too.

Well, why?

Because she was your responsibility.
Actually, that's it. All you girls!
Come on! Up! Take it somewhere ele!

Come on! Up! Get! Get
going. Let's go. Get out.

You got her good, girl!

Get out!

Spoilsport.

You are a bad man.

Yeah, and you fellas are
on your last last warning.

I know you think that they're the
same thing, but they — they really
don't have to be.

OK, sex and love. They're
very different things.

And what are they for us, Jethro?

Are you telling me that you've loved
every guy that you've had sex with?

Yes.
Really?

There have only been three.
Really?

There was my high-school boyfriend,
then Kevin — I married him, and you.

Well, uh, that surprises me.

It surprised me too, when I,
you know, started up with you.

See, Treena, there's
a whole new world out there,

especially now you're a single
woman. I don't want you settling
for just me.

Try new things.
That's all I'm saying.

Why is your mum such a bitch to me?

Because she hates your guts.

I'm glad we lost those old hags.

Oh my God.

Who is that?

w*nk*r.

Who's she?

No one.

No! No free piss!

Come on, I'm broke, man.

I know you carry a spare
hundie in your undies.

Who told you that?

You did, when you were pissed, like
you are now, so I can't serve you.

(HISSES) Ai polo lou tama!

Don't tell me to eat my Dad's balls.

Who taught you how to speak Samoan?

You taught me and
Van heaps of insults.

I got to stop telling
you guys stuff.

Go home. Go home to Mrs Falani.

Give her one for me.

Yeah, yeah, when,
when she gets back, maybe.

You didn't have to
kick him out, Munter.

He's intoxicated. I can't
serve an intoxicated person.

What's the point of drinking?

It's the law.

Bit of flexibility, Munt.

Like you did when you were a cop? No
offence, but look where it got you.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, whose side you on? His or ours?

Sounds quite good.

He'll love it.

God, I hate being a Mum. I've got no
staying power. Hey, where did that
cask go?

What?
I hated it.

What?
Munter, at the pub.

Well, you can have angry make—up
sex with him for kicking you out.

That's not what I'm talking about.

No, where did the cask go?

Uh, hm.

Oh, another man with a job.

If he ever makes it to work.

Shall we wrestle it off him?

Good luck. I'm too tired.

Mm. Me too.

No! Hey, what about the long haul?

I should get the bill.
I ordered another bottle of that
dessert wine. I'm in no hurry.

I am right for Bruce.
And he is right for me.

Oh, no he's not.

Yes, he is.

He's definitely not.

Well, who the f*ck asked you?

Do you know that no one in our house
likes you. Everyone hates you.

Oh, and who would like you?
You are bitter and you are evil,
and Pascalle is my best friend.

And she is the best, always has
been — longest legs, best boobs.
Oh, really?

And she has had so many guys after
her. Like whole teams of them, all
after her!

And most of them had her.
Shut up!

And you are out of here right
now. Before you feel my fist.

You're trashed.

f*ck off!

This is nearly as good as Brixton.

You should stop being
such a stuck-up cow,

because how many way hot chicks want
to marry someone from Fuckistan?

Bruce is from Pukekohe.

Pascalle doesn't care that Bruce is
short and brown with a big Muslim
stick up his arse. Draska!

Because she loves him. She does.
She— She loves him so. Oh. Oh, God,
I'm gonna hurl.

Wow, that's some pal
you got there, Pascalle.

She didn't mean it. Any of it.

Bottle of champers.

Bit of a night.

Oh, look — Jethro's meal ticket.

Everyone makes their own way.

sh*t. That's profound. I should
have come to you instead of him.

For what?

Why do you care? I'm only .

Really? I would have
put you at about,..

what, uh, ?

I need someone to guarantee a loan
for my business because "I'm too
young to know what I am doing".

Well, do you know what
the f*ck you're doing?

Yes.

Send me the paperwork that
proves that. I'll consider it.

I'm not going to screw you.

In business?

That too.

I don't want you to screw me
in any sense of the word.

I can do that.

Good. Do it.

All I wanted was your blessing,
and now you're gonna tell Bruce I'm
a ho—bag, and your parents as well.

Why would I do that?

Cos you don't think
I'm good enough for him.

No. I think you're too good for him.

Bruce is doctor,
and he is like really sweet.

Look, I love Bruce, but he is way
too serious for his own good.

And you clearly, are not. Look, your
mate was right about the stick up
the arse.

It's about, you know,
yay long. Rammed up there.

And you don't want to marry
a boring bastard like Bruce.

No, but I do.
I really do. Because...

I love Bruce, and I want
to be boring just like him.

And even if he does have a big stick
up his bum, I am the woman to take
it out. And I want to.

And I want you to want me to.

OK, you can have my blessing
on one condition.

OK. But as long as it's
not, 'Don't marry Bruce.'

Get me the number of that
cute guy over there.

Which one?
The one with the blonde?

That one?

Mm, yeah. I could ride him
till the cows came home.

Man, you are so not Muslim.

If you can get him to give you
his number, then you can have Bruce.

I already have Bruce.

You know what I mean.

OK.

Hi, sorry for interrupting.
I need your cellphone number.

You have it.

I need you to write your
cellphone number on this, please.

Why?
Just do it.

Are you having a lovely evening?

Bye.

Who was she?

Oh, no one.

Can I have your blessing now?

Hey it's closing time.
Come on, you two.

Look, I'm just doing my job.

Oh, is that so, Munter?
Yeah.

You had a bar full of semi—naked
women and you kicked them out.

How is that meant to enhance
our entertainment experience?

Look, can you two just bugger off?

Munter, you need to take a good
look at yourself tonight, and say
to yourself, 'What did I achieve?'

Because maybe the answer is 'not
a lot'. Because maybe you're not
cut out for this hospitality game.

Hey. This tap is stuffed.

Hey!

What'd you do?

I believe it's closing time.

What'd you do?

Nice work, old man.

Don't butter me up, pig.

Hey, hey!

CELLPHONE RINGS

Excuse me.

Jethro West.

You don't know me, but I've been
watching you all night and I want
to screw your brains out.

In fact, the thought of it got
me so hot that I had to take my
panties off.

Don't look now,
but I'm up at the bar.

Uh, oh, you looked. And now
your girlfriend's looking too.
How embarrassing.

Uh, look, I think you've
got the wrong number.

No, I don't.

Who is she?

Who's who?

OK. I think I'm getting
the message here.

How's it going?

Mate, I haven't got a f*cking clue.

As it should be. We should get
on the piss one night soon.

Yeah. I live for nights on the piss.

Heads up.

See ya later.

This is Linda. I believe
you guys have spoken.

We should order brandy.

Hi.

Hey, baby.

I thought you was
going out on the town.

How was your night?

Pretty stink. Yours?

Real stink.

Yeah?

I missed you. All night.

Even when I was kicking you out?

You were just doing your job.
And you only took it for me.

Yeah.

But if I work during the day and you
work during the night, then we're
never gonna see each other.

I'll be stepping in,
you'll be stepping out.

We'll have sex in the doorway.

That's great, but not all the time.

I always thought bars were
for drinking in, not working in.

You'd quit for me?

But before I do,

I've always wanted to
have sex on that pool table.

Rack 'em up, big boy.

It's a heart.

Yep.

Why?

Why shouldn't I give you my heart?

Hey, I'm really sorry, but someone
had to tell her, and I hope I didn't
stuff things up for you.

No, you didn't.

I didn't?

Linda thinks I'm perfect for Bruce.

I knew that she would
get it, eventually.

So, is she going to be,
like, your bridesmaid?

Linda? Hell no.

So, who is?

Do you want to be?

Do you mean it? Really?

You said I had the best boobs.

You do.

And you get it — and no one else
does — that I love him so much.

Oh my God, yes. I do.

And I will. I will
be your bridesmaid.

And maybe one day you can be mine.

Yeah, sure I will.

So we're friends?

Bestest friends.

Does your fanny feel funny?

Really funny.