05x08 - Some Vicious Mole of Nature

[bunniefuu]

I've finally had to face facts and
hand over Hoochie Mama, which is
why I've handed it over to Jethro.

Jethro?
Mm-hm.

Why?
Are you loaded?
You can't come in here all—

You're meant to be
looking after a kid.

You are ripped off
your tits all the time.

When the f*ck did you
start caring about Jane?

I would not leave
a dog in your care.

You can't tell Mum, cos I'm the bad
child, and we should just keep it
like that.

Have a jungle gym
here with two swings.

If we're going to do this, we're
going to have to get serious, OK?
About money.

Well, this is it.
I just got the keys and...

I so wanted you to see it.

Oh, it's, um...
It's a dump, I know.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

It's all we could afford,
well, barely afford.

No, it's adorable, and, you know,
with a little bit of work...

Van can do stuff when he gets back.
Mm.

Yeah. If we can afford it.

I mean, it needs a lot of
work, if we can afford it.

Oh, I know exactly how I can help.

You do?

Colours!
Sorry?

I am so good with colour.

She is.

Just promise me that you won't
choose anything without me.

OK.

Cool. OK, now I have to run,
cos I have a funeral.

So sad cos Mr Heller was such a
happy person, and he literally
sang when he worked.

Well, until he had the heart att*ck,
and then he stopped singing,
obviously. OK, bye.

And I love your little place.

Colours? What the
f*ck was that about?

Oh, they make a world of difference.

Nicky, I need money, and you are
supposed to be backing me up.

You won't play happy housewife here.

I have to make do, cos the shitload
of cash that was coming hasn't.

It will.

So that is still the plan?

It's still the plan.

HELLO SAILOR'S 'GUTTER BLACK'

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

♪ My luck in the gutter black.

♪ I guess I'm running back...

♪ ...to you.

♪ You in my brain.
You in my heart. ♪

Hi.

Hi. What's the occasion?

Me and Van just got
possession of our house.

Great.

Sheree.

Have a word? ]

Hey, Mrs.

Who gave Janie her breakfast?

I did.
You were out.

I did it before, then I put her down
for a nap — approved procedure?

Yeah.

Believe it or not, Mrs, the world
does not fall apart when you sleep
in.

I just got f*cking fired!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Who fired you?
Isn't that damn obvious?

Look, it's not a criticism of you,
OK? It's just a matter of...
restructuring.

You know, necessary changes to
the business, that kind of thing.

It's not personal, OK?

Not personal, my arse. He knows
what this means to me and Van.

And that stupid slag Rochelle — she
hasn't sold squat in months, and she
had a grin on her ugly face.

But why am I telling you this,
Cheryl? You probably knew already.

No, I didn't.

Well, he's your son, so I
know whose side you'll be on.

Well, I'm not, actually.

I might as well go and clean out the
place, especially if we have to sell
it again, which is on the cards ow.

COMMENTARY ON TV

Oh, would you look at that?

It's called food, Aaron.
What's that for?

It's a reward for your hard work.
It's awesome.

Man, when you asked us here today, I
thought it was for a major grilling.

Why would that be?

Uh, no reason. No reason at all.

At least you guys work, unlike
my other crew of slack stoners.

Hey, Van and Munter are the men,
you know? They're original Tools.

They are lazy dickwads.

No, it's good for guys to have guy
time, even if they didn't invite me
on their fishing trip.

Or me.

They wouldn't invite you.
Could have.

But you have fish right here.

Because we're, like, your
top team now — A-grade Tools.

That's certainly how I see you.

All right.

That's awesome.

We're doing great stuff, like that
wall in Massey Heights. Did you
know?

Um, it was completed?

It was humongous — one of only
two structures you can see from the
moon. I tell you, we are on fire.

Except for that thing in French Bay.

What happened in French Bay?

What about Green Bay? That guy
was creaming himself over our deck.

What happened in French Bay?

We had to get the Bobcat
in for the levelling.

What happened?

Just a teeny-weeny problem, and
someone might give you a call about
it,

but I said that's OK because you're
bound to have liability insurance,
you know?

A great manager like
you, and hot, hmm?

Death, damage? What happened?

No one got hurt.
It was a tree.

A tree?
A few branches, bit of trunk.

That's all?
We've got a load of firewood
if you're interested.

No, I'm not.

This fish — wicked.

Great. Finish it up,
then get back to work.

It's all right that I'm here?
Yeah. I asked you to come.

Well, I won't stay for long.
You are looking really good on it—

Why has Sheree been given the boot?

Well, it was nothing she'd done,
even though she is a total bitch.
But, boy, did she wig out.

f*cking prick! I'm going
to get you, Jethro!
Hey!

f*ck you! f*ck you!
f*cking arsehole!'

♪ That I've ever seen,
♪ a low-down dirtiest, darkest...

Jethro ended up wearing the
doughnuts, but he was cool about it.

Sheree is our top party seller.

Yeah.

So what the hell's he playing at?

Well, that's not all
that important any more.

What? Selling's not important?

Well, there isn't going
to be any parties any more.
What?

Cheryl, I'm relieved because it's
hard doing parties with a new baby.

You start and the milk leaks out—

Jethro has cancelled
the parties, why?

Well, maybe you should ask him.

Cheryl, sit.

Hey, guys.

Where's Nadine?

She's not here.

Why not?

She's away.

What? She went on holiday now?

For a few months, yeah.

You what?

Well, it was more of
an enforced holiday.

But in the end she did volunteer
to go into the programme, so that's
good.

She's in rehab?

Yep.

What for?

So the woman who invented the
product got addicted to the
f*cking product!

You have to take a lot for that.

If this gets out—!

Hey, hey, hey. She is not going
to say anything, all right?

And she's more than happy to stay
on as a consultant on a profit-share
basis with, um...

She won't be coming
back to the business.

Did you think of consulting me?

Hayden's handled it.
Yep.

This is the best thing for her.

CELLPHONE RINGS

Well, for everyone.

Fantastic, if everyone's
happy. Hey, Mum.

Jethro, get your
butt round here now.

I can't. I'm doing something.

Yeah, well, I can't move, so get
your arse round here right now.

You decided not to
consult me about this?

No.
Why the f*ck not?!

You put the business in my hands.
You're meant to be resting.

A restful time's been had (!)

You think I want you to fire people,
Jethro? What the hell's canning
parties about?

The labour costs are huge.
The returns aren't great.

Sheree was relying on that job.

Hoochie does not exist to
give f*cking Sheree a handout.

She's a good worker.

Who's having twins any day now.

How in the hell can you do
that to your own brother?

Mum, as far as I'm concerned,
my loyalties are to you.

You put the business in my hands,
and I am doing what I can to keep
it from going under.

OK.
You knew it was bad, Mum.

Yeah, yeah. All right.

Look,... (SIGHS) I'm about to make
a deal with a couple of lingerie
outlets.

Which ones?

The point is I'm trying to get
Hoochie back into a profit, OK?

I can take Sheree back no worries,
but then I have to let Rochelle go,
OK?

And that would be a shame, cos she's
f*cking great. And I just made her
general manager.

But, you know,...

look, it's up to you, Mum.

I've got to go.

Hey.

I got your message. It sucks.

Yeah, and I've got, like,
bucks left in my bank account.

Come on. Hey, it's OK. It's OK.

CRIES: No, it's not OK,
Nicky, and I'm sick of it.

Hey, I'll help.

And what I'm sick of is you saying
that you'll help. The plan — it
needs to happen, Nicky.

Hey, look, it's not that easy.

You've been living with her.
Don't you know how to collect?

It's not like she leaves
grand in her purse.

You promised me, Nicky. It's time,
and you have to make this happen.

No more excuses.

Jethro was the wrong one
to be running the business.

He's mean, and he's cruel and—
Thanks. We need to do something.

I don't think Jethro
will change his mind.

I know, because he's got a
rock for a heart. But I don't.

(SIGHS) Look, this is my problem.

No, but it was my evil
brother who did this.

I was thinking I could sell my car.
Why?

It's worth quite a bit,
and I don't need a flash car.

But I gave it to you.

Yeah, I know, but it is just a car.

No, it is way more than that.
It was my first gift of love to you.

And if you sold it, it would be
like you're selling me. And you
would never sell me. No.

No. Both of our families are
involved, and we are involved.
If we're going to help,

we do it together, because we
have hearts that are not rocks.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Hi.
Hey.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Now, we got you some dinner, so you
just sit down and completely relax.

Thanks.
And look at this.

Paint charts, and I've found the
sweetest colour for the babies'
room.

We're gonna probably have to
sell before I get round to that.

No, you don't. Nicky told
me what you want, and—

He did?
Mm-hm, and we want to help.

You do?

It's all going through my company,
but let's not talk about money.

I don't mind.

No, you need to keep
up your strength.

Just come by the workshop tomorrow,
and that'll be that. No more
worries.

That is so great and so kind.

Now, I was thinking Highland Tussock
for the lounge and Sunshine Daisy
for the babies' room.

Yellow.
Yes, it's creamy
yellow. It's so sweet.

Great.

Has Jane gone down?

Yeah, just did it.

And how was she? Was she
funny about her dummy?

No, no. Pretty good.

Great. How was playgroup?

Great. She rocked it.

Cool.

Hey there.

You all better? Loretta said you
were sick, going from both ends.

Yeah. Yeah, I was bad,
but, uh, it's all good now.

Well, Jane's, um,
Jane's gone to bed.

I'm here to see Loretta, actually.

Oh.
Could we, um...?

Sure.

Do you think that they're...?

Nah. I don't think so.

You didn't say anything to Cheryl.

About you being a whacked-out
druggy? Oddly, no.

It's been a long time.

You came because you
wanted to see my room?

No.

Look, I have to thank you, all
right? For what you said, what
you did.

It was a wake-up call that I needed
about me and Nadine. Mostly Nadine,
but me too.

I didn't do it to be nice.

I know you wouldn't.

Anyway, I'm good now.
Druggies say it and
steal your wallet.

Seriously, I am off the pills.
I've even cut back on my drinking.

I'm not NA, you know?

The point is...

I'd like to see Jane again.

Well, she's here most days,
apart from her crazy social
life — playgroup, library, the pool.

Swim class? I'm still in recovery
from Helga Schwarzenegger
and the saggy mummies.

You actually got in? In togs?

What else would I wear?

(CHUCKLES) If you want some
company, we can go together.

God no. You can have it. Baby
swimming is the most stupid thing
on the planet.

Still Tuesdays?

Fridays. She's in the Olympic
development squad now (!)

Tuesdays, and there's a new
instructor. You'll probably
like her.

Oh, how's that?
Oh, blonde, and, you'll see.

Oh, well, who says I prefer blondes?

You can piss off now.

OK. But maybe I can buy
you a drink sometime.

It better be a real drink.

Vodka straight-up.

OK, fine.

Bye.

Night.

See ya.

(GROANS) Is this fuzzy?
No.

f*ck. I think I need glasses.
sh*t, I feel like such a nana.

Yeah, but a sexy nana. Bang!

(GIGGLES)
Hi.

Hi.
Did Van call?

No.

It doesn't matter.

Hey, Sheree?
Yeah?

Hey, I talked to Jethro today, and I
couldn't change his mind. I'm sorry.

Right.
If things get too hard with the
house and Van, there's room here.

No, it's OK, Cheryl.
No, it's not.

Pascalle is going to help us.

Is she?

She's been so amazing.

I'm just going to go and call Van.

♪ You're a rich

♪ girl.

♪ You're a rich

♪ girl.

♪ And I wanna ask, 'Would
you run tonight?' yeah. ♪

Hi.

Hi. I'm just going over some
figures with Ngaire cos I'm
such a ditz about that stuff.

You have better things to think of.
No rush.

Oh, I should introduce you.

Oh, I know Ngaire.

Yes.

This is Dot. She's on
phone lines and orders.

And this is Red and Colin,
and this is Mrs Corbett.

Hi.

And this is Bilkey, and he is
amazing. And he is such a style
queen.

Oh, get off.
He knows stuff about bags
you wouldn't believe.

I've met a few in my time.

And Bilkey's going to show
you exactly what to do.
Do?

You'll be on details and
finishing. Mr Heller used to do it.

I'm still sad when
I think about it.
I'm not—

But it is amazing how the universe
works. We have a vacancy, and you
need a job.

A job?
It's regular income. Bilkey
reckons once you know the ropes,

you can do it from home,
even after the twins are born.

Mm. So, yes, let's get you
introduced to the rivet punch
and the leather stretcher.

KNOCK AT DOOR
Hello? ]

Holy crap.

Graham? What the f*ck
are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

I work here.

I was after the Tool Guys' manager.

Well, that's me, for my sins. But
shouldn't you be rangering with
the dotterels in Tutaekuri Bay?

Well, not any more.
How could you leave them?

I'm doing something else.

Graham, what about the mustelids?
The ferrets and stoats will be
stealing eggs this minute.

It's past breeding season.
Now about the Tool Guys...

They're not endangered.

I'm an arborist for the council.
I'm here about a problem to do
with your company.

Not my company. Like I
said, I just manage them.

I was given your contact about
an infringement in French Bay —
a destruction of a native tree.

Right, so you've stopped
looking after stupid birds

and now you're worried about
things that can't even chirp.

You don't like trees?

I love them. They're
great, but, you know...

This tree was a -year-old
pohutukawa on the property of
Emily Perkins Pl.

It was over m and a native.

Cutting it down means you face
prosecution under the Resource
Management Act.

Get out of here.

It's actually an offence, and
you may need to appear in court.

Well, no, I won't.

If you had consent for work on this
tree, we don't have any record of
it.

Right. Well, Graham,
I'll get back to you on that.

The fine's going to be quite steep.

Oh, really?

Oh, we take trees pretty seriously.

Oh, I'm sure you do.

Good to see you again, Loretta.

You too, Graham.

Tell me about the tree.

No fisherman's basket?
Tell me about the tree.

Feeling a bit bad about that.

Oh, not as bad as I'm feeling.

It was a big tree.

No, it was a bad tree and dangerous.

How could a tree be bad?

Lots of ways, eh?

Dropping and shedding.

Don't forget allergies.

Kids getting asthma from the pollen.

No one is allergic to pohutukawa.

Don't believe everything about
pohutukawas. They coast on their rep
for being Christmassy, but this one—

What about it?

One of the branches nearly fell on
the Bobcat, which we needed for the
job, so in the interest of safety—

You cut it down?

Just the dangerous limbs that were
in the way of the Bobcat, which
turned out to be a bit—

Oh Jesus.
Look, it was about to fall.

Do you swear this is true?

There has to be an
exception for bad trees.

If we face prosecution from the tree
police, you know who's going to be
in the f*ring line, right?

You?
Think again.

The Gooch?
It wasn't me.
I told you not to do it.

Did you know? Did you know what she
meant when she said she wanted to
'help'?

Look—
I went in there expecting
a big, fat company cheque,

and instead I get a dead sh*t job
sitting in a dead man's chair.

Poor Mr Heller. He
had the heart att*ck...

There?

It was there?

Don't worry. We cleaned up.

Being ordered around by that f*cking
evil old poof, working on a stupid
machine.

To think some poor cow
d*ed for this. Do it again.

There's no need for a face like
that. You're all puckered up like
an old horse fanny.

♪ Pick and choose. ♪

And then there's Ngaire.

Downing tools already?

I'm pregnant, Ngaire.
My back is k*lling me.

Well, they've got gout, arthritis,
infected haemorrhoids. I don't hear
them complaining.

♪ He's a sneaky, sneaky dog— ♪

And I'm meant to put up with
this for lousy bucks an hour.

It's a job, OK?

You were sorting it.

OK. Look, even if I could rip off
Pascalle for the kind of cash you
want, where does that leave me?

I don't care.

Don't you?

Oh, no, I didn't mean that.

No traces — that's how I work.

That's why I'm not in the can,
unless that's where you want me
to end up.

No, of course not.

All Pascalle's cash is tied up
in the business, and now you're
in there.

Right.

You're smart.
You can work the angles.

This was all part of the plan?

(SIGHS) You should've told me.

You have an opening,
so quit whining and use it.

THE BLACK SEEDS'
'ONE STEP AT A TIME'

Here we go. Sign here, please.

That's it.

Here we go, Jack.

Goodness, there's an improvement.

Practice makes perfect.

That's what we like. You're quite
pretty when you put a smile on it.

Coffee time. Rum time.

Oh, goody. Double sh*t on payday.

Great.

Thanks, love.

Oh, nothing for you, I'm afraid.

We pay weekly in arrears.

Just wondered if you'd
like a coffee, Ngaire.

Very kind of you.

White with one?

With a sh*t and an afghan.

The tree was dangerous?

My workers were acting in the
interest of public safety.

You still can't do that.

You mean you can have a branch about
to fall on someone's head and you
can't chop it off?

You'd still need to apply
for consent under the RMA.

That makes no sense.

Maybe we could talk
about it over lunch.
Lunch?

A meal usually eaten
in the middle of the day.

Or we could get a drink, do a movie.

Are you asking me out, Graham?

That's about the size of it.

But is that ethical, considering
that I'm an enemy of the tree?

This would be outside of work.
Would it help my case?

No. You'd still face prosecution.

Well, so what's in it for me, then?

I don't know a hell of a lot
of people down here, and I—

That's your pitch?
You're sad and desperate?

I do like you.

I'm sorry, but I hate nature in all
of its forms. I have no sympathy for
the fluffy or endangered,

and trees are just toilet paper in
the making, as far as I'm concerned.
There is way we'd ever get on.

Have you already got a boyfriend?

I'm not answering that.
Why not?

Because you're here as tree police,
not to annoy me about my personal
life.

Though I might
consider a movie, if...

Sorry, no.

Right.

So, you'll be wanting to
defend this or pay a fine?

No. Actually, I
won't be doing either.

And if you're lonely,
Graham, hug a tree.

JANE BABBLES

Got the swim naps?

All set, aren't we, huh?

And you're better?

There was really nothing
that wrong with me.

Yeah, but, you know,
tummy bugs, pools.

No worries. ]

It's great — a load off
for Wayne you doing this.

Yeah, and Loretta.
Loretta?

Yeah. Oh, she's been
great, actually.

Loretta's been great?

Yep. Taking her during
the day, swimming.

Oh. Loretta's taking her
swimming? But that is—

It is out there, I know. But you
didn't know about this, Cheryl?

No.

See ya. ]
See ya.

Hey.

She here?

Out with Kasey.

How was your day?

Well, I got these from Dot —

likes to stay busy when
she's not taking calls.

But, more importantly, I found
out exactly what's going on.

Someone else already has their
snout right in the trough.

Falani with lunches and the grog.

That's nothing. We've got some
serious competition here.

From who?

Isn't that obvious?

ODESSA'S 'BRING THE MONEY BACK'

♪ Bring the money back, baby.

♪ Bring the money
back, baby, yeah.

♪ Bring the money back, baby.

They're ripping off wages?

It's like taking candy from a baby.

All the wages are paid in cash,
except there are a few extra
workers —

ones who don't actually exist.

♪ ...or so he said.

Jasmine.

♪ Too proud for welfare, but— ♪

Their money goes direct to Grandpa,
Ngaire and the old fruit.

f*cking bastards.

God knows how long the buzzards
have been at it, and Pascalle has
no idea.

It has to stop.
I know.

It stops now.

Hey.

Stop right there.

I haven't done anything.

You have been helping out with Jane.

Why didn't you tell me?

You told her. You said you wouldn't.
No, no. Not guilty.

It was Hayden. I've dealt with
him. Why didn't you tell me?

Because I knew you would go soppy
and weird. I haven't been helping
out that much.

She's done heaps.
Have not.

She's been a big help to me.

I think it's great, and
it's a shame she's not here.

Who?
Jane. ]

Mum, if you're expecting some big
lovefest, you can forget it.
I tolerate Jane. That's all.

She's too young to realise that I
speak to her to stop myself going
mad with boredom.

Aw, love.

COMMENTARY ON TV

I thought it was time we had a
catch-up, us being almost family.

Right, you are.
GLASSES CLINK

It's great — Pascalle taking you
guys on — equal opportunities.

No, young whippersnappers wouldn't
know a full day's work if it bit
them on the jacksie. (CHUCKLES)

So what do you think of Pascalle?

She's a good girl, all
right. Easy on the eye.

Well, if you think so much of her,
then why the f*ck would you repay
her by ripping her off?

Eh?

I know what you're doing, old man.
(GRUNTS)

Age is no barrier to you getting
taken outside and worked over

if you and your missus
don't stop this sh*t...

right now.

MELLOW MUSIC

Then the bastard grabbed me. Work me
over? That prick. I should've taken
him out then.

It's good you didn't.
Fists of steel, these are.

Ted, I know, but you—

He deserves it — jumped-up piece of
gobshite, speaking to me like that.

Pascalle can't know about it yet.

I can still take him, and I will.

Ted, the important thing
here is closing the leak.
How do you mean?

Well, someone's discussed
our arrangements with Nicky.

Bilkey — he was always a squealer.

Far more likely to
be the bitch sister.

Sheree?
Mm. She needs to be dealt to.

Can't take her outside.

No, we take her out altogether.

But she's expecting.

She's also dangerous and poisonous,
but I can handle that. You leave it
to me.

Must be time for a break.

I just had one.

Have another one. Fresh air — just
what you need in your condition.
I'll make us a nice cuppa.

Here we go. I put a sugar in it.

I don't take sugar.

Afghan? I made them myself.

Cut the bullshit, Ngaire. If you
want to fire me, go for your life,
because I will go to Pascalle

and tell her all about
your extra workers.

Which ones are those?

Uh, the ones getting paid
even though they're not here.

My dear, they're outworkers.

I saw the list, and I
saw you take the cash.

Some of our old dears don't have
cars. I make a personal delivery.

You're so busted, Ngaire.

Oh, I did worry it would go like
this, which is why I met Pascalle
last night.

Whatever bullshit you spun
about me, I can do a lot worse.

My dear, you have such a negative
outlook. Can that be good for those
children?

I've got your f*cking number, woman.

My dear, I visited Pascalle out
of concern for your welfare.

It's probably none of my business,
and I shouldn't interfere, but...

a pregnant woman working on those
machines, round dyes and chemicals —
it can't be good for her.

Oh, bullshit, she did it for me.

Pascalle agreed with me,
also with my solution.

You're f*ring me for my welfare?

I'm proposing a new position
for you as my assistant.

Ha. Crap on.

I have a lot to do — finance,
administration. You could help
Dot out with the phones.

You'll have to do better than that.

Oh, I feel sure we'll
come to some arrangement.

Hi.

What are you doing here?
Oh, you know, just out and about.

They'd better not be
giving you more sh*t.

No, actually, I'm out on a delivery.

Delivering wages to
one of our outworkers.

And voila — delivered.

This sh*t was supposed to stop.

I'm working in the office
alongside my new best friend Ngaire.

What?

I thought the point was access.

Hundreds of bucks are walking
out the door every week.

Ngaire is an evil, vindictive cow.
If we try to take her on, she'll go
us.

But she's ripping—

We will deal with the old buzzards
when we have to. In the meantime,
this is working for me.

MELLOW MUSIC
KNOCK AT DOOR

Piss off.

I'm running Jane's bath,...
unless you want to do it.

No, I don't.

WATER RUNS

You look nice.

It's how I always look.

Is that new? You going out?
Trying to.

Who with?

No one. It's a work thing.
Hayden?

Going.

(MUTTERS)

JANE GIGGLES

She's got a date with Hayden.

It'll be work.

In that outfit?

Come on, you know, it could be more
than that. It could be, like...

What? Are you serious?

Yeah. Be nice for Jane, wouldn't it,
if Mummy and Daddy got back together
again.

Hang on a minute. You're talking
happy families and Loretta.

Yeah, yeah. It could happen.

It's Loretta.

Yeah.

Yeah, true.

PEOPLE MURMUR

Hi.

You are looking very
hot this evening. Yeow!

Piss off.
But before we do—

I said, 'Piss off.'
I want to let you know that
we ditched the chainsaw.

And the firewood. We sold that.

Why should I care about this?

Cos if the cops come for
us, there's no evidence.

But you still did it.

It's what I said.

(SIGHS) OK. Look, OK, if it comes to
it, I'll take the rap for the crap,
do the time on the crime,

all the way down to pokey town.

OK, no one is going to 'pokey town'
over a stupid tree. It'll be a fine,
that's all, and I will sort it.

But you said—
I was making you suffer.

Oh, man, we had such a bad day,
worrying and fretting we weren't
top team.

Good, and you can piss off now.

Ooh, do I detect the reason
for the hot-patootie factor?

No, you don't.

You guys getting it back on?
No, we're not.

Oh, you can't fool me.

Yes, I can, and I frequently
do. And I said, 'Piss off.'

Come on.

Hey, you enjoy.

(GROWLS SOFTLY, LAUGHS)

Hello, you.

Hey. Busy day?

Oh, so busy and so fantastic.

Me and Kase met the web guy, and, oh
my God, you should see the upgrades.

All right, after tea, eh? Yeah?

OK.

Oh, and guess what else?

I can't.

We got orders from Australia,
even though we haven't screened
an infomercial there.

That's great.
I'm thinking that I might have
to buy some airtime there.

And I'm also wondering if I'm going
to have to sh**t the whole thing
again in Australia.

It's not a silly idea cos we're
meant to speak the same language,

but they are prejudiced against
our accent — fush and chups.

No, it's not silly.

Why are you staring at me like
I've got something on my face?

I was just thinking
how great you are.
Really?

Yeah.
GLASSES CLINK

Is that, like, clever
great or cute great?

Mm. Both.

Oh.

And you're also kind and generous.

sh**t sh**t.
I meant to ring Sheree.
Why?

To see how her day was. I can't
believe I didn't think about the
pregnancy.

Thank God Ngaire was on to it.

Yeah, she is that.

She is amazing. She
takes care of everything.

Kind of old-fashioned, though.

How do you mean?

I mean, paying people in cash.
That went out centuries ago.

Are you being mean to Ngaire?

It could be a bit of a risk
having cash lying around, and
it's time-consuming.

I guess.
It's about better systems — freeing
people up so they've got more time.

I know how much you care about
the people who work for you.

Yeah.

I can't believe you're
drinking orange juice.

Clean and sober, that's me.
Well, this week, anyway.

You don't have to prove stuff to me.

I'm doing it for
myself and for Jane.

Hey, she was the total star
at swimming today. And that
new instructor, yeah, she is hot.

I'm so relieved for you. What?

What's with the staff?

Oh my God.

(CHUCKLES) They seem to have
got the wrong end of things.

Yeah, they do. Guys, f*ck off.

Don't worry. Sex is the
last thing on my mind.

Even with the hot instructor?

I mean relationships. That thing
with Nadine — I kind of fell for
her.

Oh.

And breaking up was just sh*t.

Can't you get back together
with her when she gets better?

No.
Why not?

Because I have this rule, right?
Once it's over, it's over. You do
not go back.

Right.

It's, like, you and me. If we ever
got back together again, it would
be sh*t, right?

We couldn't help it. And we're
friends now. We're colleagues,
and that's just better.

Yeah, it's great.
Do you want another drink?
Yeah, line them up.

OK, cool. Um, I'll just get it
when I get back from the toilet.

MELLOW ROCK MUSIC

[ Psst.

Piss off, Aaron.

Don't chuck stuff. I just wanted to
say sorry if we, like, ruined the
mood.

You didn't, OK?

Mostly it was the Gooch, cos
he's poison with the ladies.
It's probably cos he's got no tact.

Piss off, Aaron!

OK.

It's a waste, because you're looking
good down there. Those lawns are
well trimmed.

f*ck off!

All right. OK, OK.

CRASH, FLUSH!

(YELLS)

They're apple and cinnamon.
They're for morning tea,
and I baked them myself.

Oh, what a lovely treat.

But first, I have a better
surprise for the two of you.
Great.

Because of the new website, we will
have heaps more orders to process.
I can handle it.

I know, and that's great, but
Ngaire might have to help you. So I
am introducing a new payroll system.

What?
It's, like, this electronic way—

I know what it is. We don't need it.

It's gonna free up your time and be
heaps safer, cos we won't have to
keep cash here.

Our staff like to be paid in cash.

It is cash, but better. They
won't have to go to the bank.

You don't want to pay
a payroll company.

I've talked to the guy who does
Nicky's pay stuff, and it's not
that much.

And he's really nice, and
he's going to keep in touch.

But Ngaire does such a great job.

And I have Sheree to help me.

But I'm doing this for you, and it's
already set up, and it's my company.
I can do it this way if I want to.

Now I think we should have
some lovely morning tea.

TAP!

WHISPERS: Did you say
something to her?

Wasn't me.

Was it your idea?
The payroll?

No, baking f*cking muffins (!)

Yes, it was my idea.

I had Ngaire totally
where I wanted her.

Ngaire was on the take,
and now it's stopped.

Being on the take was the point.
Pascalle wouldn't notice.

That is not f*cking clever.
Auditors will look at the books.

You think I'm scared of accountants?

Pascalle is really good to you, and
Ngaire, Ted and all the parasites—

Are you calling me a parasite?

I'm not gonna stand by and let this
happen to her. She doesn't f*cking
deserve it.

Oh my God.

You're not... in love with her?

Piss off.

It certainly sounds like it.

I just think...

Where does that leave me and
the twins? Where do we come?

Hey, I still care about you.

But not as much as her.

Look, if it's money you want —

lousy bucks a week. That should
make it up. Take it if it makes you
feel better.

Yeah.

Yeah, I...

I feel great.

MELLOW ROCK MUSIC

Hi.

Hi. Don't worry. I haven't chopped
anything else down, though it
is tempting.

I don't think you'd
get away with it twice.

Oh, do you want to try me?

Are you meaning a particular tree?

Oh, nah, I'm just messing
with your head, Graham.

I was a little surprised getting a
call from a city councillor, telling
me to 'cease and desist'.

Do you mean Vern?

Vern Gardiner, yeah.

Yeah, he's a sweetie and
a greenie in his own way.

He's a dodgy bastard in his own way,
but no surprise your family knows
him.

Yeah, he's a friend of the family.

(SCOFFS) There'll be no
prosecution in this instance,

but in future, you'd better warn
your workers to apply for consent
under the RM—

What was that?

That's called a kiss, Graham.
I thought I was sad and desperate.

The passionate way you
talked about the legislation—

I didn't know the Resource
Management Act could have this kind—

Shut up and f*ck me.

Do you think if we leave them
here they'll get nicked?

You could've called.

Yeah, but it'll be a lovely
surprise, and everyone loves
surprises.

God, I love you.

I know. That's why you
wanted to get married.

No, I...

I really do.

Then why does it look like it hurts?

(LAUGHS) Um,...

I've never loved anyone before.

Never?

Well, not like this. Um,...

kind of new for me.

That is the sweetest thing I have
ever heard in my whole entire life,
and I love you very very much.

MELLOW ROCK MUSIC

HELLO SAILOR'S
'GUTTER BLACK' PLAYS

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

MUSIC CONTINUES