05x16 - O Wonderful Son (That Can So Astonish a Mother)

[bunniefuu]

I know some of you don't think that
much of Hoochie, so I've handed it
over to Jethro.

Cheers, Mum.

So what do you think?

They look very young.

I made you boss. I gotta suck it up.

Well, yeah, but I don't want
you to hate me for it.
I don't.

You had no problems with
me the first time we met.

(LAUGHS) So your place or mine?

No laws were broken.

Wayne won't see it that way.
What I want is to be a model,

and you can help me.

What plans have you
made with Jethro?

We kinda went behind her back.

She'll calm down.

I'm telling you
that I'm out. I quit.

OK, resignation accepted.
Pack your sh*t and get out.

f*ck off

forever.

LOUD ELECTRONIC MUSIC BLARES

You're not in Kansas any more, Toto.

Are you calling me Tonto?

Toto!

I can't hear a bloody thing over
this music, if you can call it
music.

Shall I ask them to
put on some jazz (?)

No, don't. They might do it.

Good look with the straw, Wayne (!)

Yeah, well, the beer's sh*t.

Yeah, it's Polish.

More like polish.

Mm. That'll be the antifreeze.

Hi, Cher. Mwah. Mwah.
Isn't this great?

Yeah (!)

Oh, come on. It's cool. And I'm
so excited about my new designs.

You get pissed faster
when you use a straw.

Oh, maybe something good will
come out of this after all (!)

Or maybe not.

Hey, welcome.

Surprised to see you here.

When I walked in I thought,
'Wow, a room full of wankers.'

How right I was.

Enjoy, then.
That'll be a long sh*t.

PA: Ladies and gentlemen,

creatures of the night,

Hoochie Mama, in association with
Excellence, is proud to bring you
Hoochie Babe.

♪ Why can't you find,...

BOTH SCREAM

♪ ...your way back home?

♪ Your way back home.

♪ Your way back.

♪ Why can't you find

♪ your way back home?

♪ Your way back home.

♪ Your way back.

♪ Your way back home.

♪ Your way back.

♪ Your way back home. ♪

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Oh yes, there will be blood.

HELLO SAILOR'S 'GUTTER BLACK'

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

♪ My luck in the gutter black.

♪ I guess I'm running back...

♪ ...to you.

♪ You in my brain.
You in my heart. ♪

Thanks for looking after Jane.

That's OK, Mrs West.
She was awesome.

And we taught her some new words.

Oh, I don't want to know.

Babysitting over.
Time to spark up, bro.

Sweet.

Yo,... was there heaps of, you know,
hot models at the thing?

Depends on your point of view.

Damn, I'd tap that ass.

You want a tap, I'll give
you a f*cking tap, mate!

Hey, Wayne! Leave them alone.

So, did you, uh, take any
photos on your phone?

Um, I didn't because there was a
lot more fun to be had elsewhere.

DELEESHA: Wayne, you wear
what you get paid to wear. ]

Well, next time, if there is
a next time, wear more of it.

I thought you'd be proud of me.

My first-ever modelling job.

Cos my sister with her tits hanging
out's a real source of pride (!)

I'm going to party.
You've got school tomorrow.

Kasey was really worried that
your mum was going to flip out.

Mum was remarkably calm, actually.

We'll talk about this tomorrow.

OK.

That was like a Mafia film where
the capo kisses his favourite
gangster before he whacks him.

Yeah.

So it was a good night had by all?

Yeah.

And here you are in the ladies'
toilet — how appropriate.

Want a line?

MUNTER: What happened?

Nothing. It was great.

And you guys can get
out of my room now.

Hey.

Ah! Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

All in good time, sis.

(LAUGHS) All in good time.

You don't have to walk to the door.

You like it when I
walk you to the door.

Well, yes.

I had fun last night.

I know. I could tell.

I had fun too.

I could tell.

Mmm.

MYSTERIOUS SPLASHING

(SCREAMS)

Oh!
Grandpa!

You old prick!

That's what happens when
dogs lie down with pigs.

Grandpa, I'm going to
rip your f*cking d*ck off!

Ted, don't piss on your
granddaughter and her boyfriend.

Not my fault they were standing
where I wanted to go.

We have a toilet.

Grandpa made a point.

Yeah, but he doesn't have
to point it at Pascalle.

It's a valid protest.
What she said.

You should back up to the railing—

BOTH: Loretta.

Don't encourage him.

You are a sick and twisted old man.

And you root pigs.

Mum, can we chuck him out?
Yeah, I'm tempted.

I'm allowed to express my feelings.

Not all over me.
Pig rooter.

Yeah, like mother like daughter.

Shut up, Loretta!
Ex-pig.

He's not a cop any more.
Thank you.

If he goes back to the bacon boys,
I'll line him up. I've done it
before.

If you point your penis at me one
more time, I will cut it off.

This must be why breakfast is the
most important meal of the day —
all the good sh*t happens.

Come on. Time for school.
DELEESHA: Piss off.

I don't care how late you stayed out
last night. You're going to school.

(GASPS) Get out!

sh*t!

Get out of my house now.
Chill out, lady.

You can not just come in here.

Yeah, I can. Get out.
You, out.

Wayne, leave him alone!

Hey, you ain't her father, man.

Close enough.
Wayne, you f*cking bastard!

Deleesha, the only place you're
going today is school, now sit down.

You're making a big
mistake, arsehole.

Just feel lucky no one peed on you.

(CACKLES)

What? I didn't do anything, man.

You think you're a man? You think
you're a man? You don't know who
you're dealing with.

The guy who is leaving is who.

(GRUNTS) I'ma mess you up, man!

This ain't over, arsehole!

Oh. (GROANS)

Why me?

What else are you doing?

Looking after Jane. How come I have
to look after stupid Deleesha too?

Take her to school, look after Jane,
pick up Deleesha, don't let her go
where she bloody shouldn't.

Like going to see her drug-dealing
boyfriend. Just saying what the
word is on the street.

Just do it, hon.
First I get peed on and now this.
God, it's so unfair.

You are coming with me. Just do not
speak, OK? I don't want any
speaking.

We'll talk about this later.

Hurry up.

I don't think this is all her fault.

Don't worry. That little
boonga is not coming back here.

No, I'm not talking about that boy.

Someone else. The one
who started all of this.

Yay, Jethro's gonna get a smacking.

Good night last night?
Great.

(CHUCKLES) And I know you
were having a good night.

Thanks. It's having bloody kids.
I am so not piss-fit any more.

Oh, good to know.

Hey, Mum.

Jethro.

Uh, we'll just be over
here if you need us.

About Deleesha.
What about her?

She's retired as a model.
You told her that?

You and your mates leave her alone.

Oh, come on. Mum, she's not exactly
a wallflower. Christ, it's like
watching Pascalle, the Sequel.

I don't care what she is.
She's not modelling any more.

OK, fine.

Is that it?
As a matter of fact, no.

Mum, you said you
were fine with this.

Then I saw it right in front of me.

You've thrown away everything
this company stands for.

I'm making it profitable. We are.

I didn't start this bloody
company to see sh*t.

I didn't take it over
to watch it go under.

This is not what
Hoochie Mama is about!

(SNORES) ]
God, it used to be fun.

Making stuff I love for people I
know. You know, ordinary women
with hips and tits.

Not that f*cking freak show
I saw last night.

You saw what we were doing
and you were fine.

Well, I was wrong.
I should have said so before.

Well, tough sh*t. You put me
in charge and I took charge.

Not any more.

You're offended by a brand that
might make a profit, and, 'f*ck
off, Jethro.'

Thank you, Jethro, for taking
care of Hoochie Mama for me.

And Hoochie Babe.

We'll see. As of today,
I'm starting back at work full-time.

Mum, you're about to give birth.
You can't do this.

It's my company.
You should be congratulating me.

OK, thanks a heap, Jethro. I need to
run this company how I see fit, and
if you can't deal with that...

What?
If you can't deal
with that, you're gone.

(LAUGHS)

Big mistake, Mum.

Huge mistake.

He knew the score. He had to look
after the place until I was ready
to come back full-time. Now I am.

What?
Well, did he?

What?

Know the score. I didn't know it.

You were never that clear on the
score, Cheryl. You know, I kinda
like the new designs.

They're great if you're an anorexic.

That's a bit harsh.

Have you guys got
a problem with this?

'Course not.

But you'll want to change
everything back, won't you?

Oath I will. It was working before.

But we're making
heaps more money now.

You don't like the models,
but skinny b*tches are people too.

None of them are underage. And you
wouldn't want to get rid of the
new designs.

Why not?

Because I designed them.

You know, so they're like my
children. I mean, not my real
actual child, you know.

Just working with Jethro would
be good, that's all I'm saying.

Yeah, working with each
other is all we're saying.

I wanted to grab them by the throat.
I didn't. You would have been proud.

But how could he do this?
How could he turn them against me?

Or am I the one who is
in the wrong here?

It's your business.
You know what you want for it.

What if what I want
isn't for everyone?

Jesus, I could smack the little
prick. Don't tell me to let it go.

I'm on your side %.

What about that thing
about me not working?

After last night, I'm with you %.

It's always a pleasure
to take your money, eh.

Oh, business and pleasure, right?

Ain't that the truth.

And if that don't look suspicious...

What do you want, Wayne?

Yeah, come in.
You, out.

I don't have to do what you say.

Do you want to keep your teeth?
Yeah, you want to try?

Isaac, I don't need this sh*t here.

Walk, junior.
Dickhead.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey.

I'll catch up with
you later, all right?

(MOUTHS)

If this is about your sister,
the message has been delivered.
No more modelling.

And no more hanging around
with your drug-dealing mates.

What, you mean him?

And any others you know. ]

Isaac puts parties together,
sh*t like that.

Oh, that's a whole lot
of difference (!)

All right, fine.

I'll have a word, all right? But
they are pretty sweet on each other.

Why are you pulling this
sh*t with your mother?

It's the other way, Wayne.

What happened to the number-one son
act? You get a bit bored with that?

Hey, she fired me, right?

And where's the f*cking gratitude?
Have you seen what I've done?

What did you expect?

Not to have my arse
fired for no reason.

I want peace and quiet for my
family, and I want you to help
make that happen.

Your family?

Christ, haven't you
come a long way fast.

Yeah, well, get used to it.
And sort this sh*t with your mum.

I intend to.

Good.

So we done? Sermon over?

Yep. (SIGHS) Don't be a smart-arse.

You know, Wayne, I want to make this
right just as much as you do, OK?

I'll sort things out.

Good.

I'm so gonna get him back big time.

Who?
Grandpa, cos he peed on me.

Oh, were you not into that?

Don't be sick.

Anyway, I know how I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna get the strongest laxative
I can find and put it in his port

You're not very good at thinking
things through, are you?

How do you mean?

What are you doing?

Going to the fridge. OK with you?

Yeah, just don't you dare do a
runner. I don't need the grief.

This is so ironic.
How?

You could be teaching
Deleesha the ways of the ho

and yet here you are,
her morals officer. It's ironic.

You're really weird.
But I enjoy life,
and that's what counts.

Why can't I think
things through properly?

How many toilets
does this house have?

One.
And what's the main
problem with that?

Grandpa's always in it.

And yet your evil plan means that
he'll spend even more time in there.

Oh yeah.
Hey.

No one in this house likes you.

Good. Where's Mum?

Downstairs doing the washing.

What about Deleesha?

In her room tunnelling
out with a spoon.

Hey.
Shouldn't you knock?
I could have been naked.

Yeah, just letting you know that,
um, cos of all the sh*t I've been
getting,

your modelling career at Hoochie —
it's gotta go on hold, OK?

For how long?

Well, just till things
chill out, all right?

You just want to get rid of me.

No. No, no, no, no, no.
Like I said, it's just a break.

OK? And it's not like we've got
any shows coming up anyway.

And when you do...?

Hopefully everything will have
sorted itself out, so you'll
be sweet.

I'll be at the top of your list?

Absolutely. Of course.

And till then, you've met people,
right? You've got your little toe
in the door, so you'll be sweet.

OK? I'll call you when
it's good to go again.

Hey.

Hey.

(SIGHS)

You know I love you, right?

Yeah, and you're my son,
so I love you.

OK. So how do we make this right?

You know what I want.

I've sorted the Deleesha thing.

Bully for you (!)

I was there for you, Mum.

When you needed it,
I stood up for you.

Yeah, and I said thank you.

And now I want you to change
things back to the way they were.

I can't.
Well, I will, then.

You can't.
Well, I will.

No, I mean you can't.

You don't have the legal right.
I beg your pardon?

When you signed the business
over to me, when you needed me,

you signed the business over to me.

You gave me complete control over
Hoochie Mama to make all decisions.

And now I want you to undo—

No, Mum, listen to me!

I got trademarks on new labels.

I entered into deals with
manufacturers, suppliers,
retailers — all in my name.

You renege on those deals, I'm
the one in the sh*t, and, Mum,

I won't go bankrupt
from your f*cking hissy fit.

No, no. You don't have to do
anything, Jethro. I will do it.

No, Mum, you won't because it is not
your company any more! It is mine.
Got it?

This is the paper trail to prove it.

Look, you'll still get
a share of the profits, OK?

And there will be profits because of
me, and you should have thanked me
for that, but you're gone.

All right? You're no longer
part of the business.

What a bastard.

Get your big boyfriend
to sort him out.

I'm not listening to you.

sh*t like this happens
when you trust Jethro.

I came to you first, so you don't
get to give me grief about it.

Now I am totally on your side.

You offered it to me first,
even though it's huss underwear.

OK, Mum, I'm sorry
that this happened.

Mum, the point is,
you can't just take this, OK?

The point is, we have to make Jethro
suffer for what he's done. It's time
to think about revenge.

Are you sure that was wise?

What else could I do?

Uh, find a way of moving
her gently to the side?

You know my mother.
Yeah, I do.

She's not the 'move gently' type.

She's also an 'unleash hell' sort
of woman when she's pissed off.

I'm not scared.

That's not what I'm saying.

What are you saying?

OK, wasn't there a way of doing
it without pissing her off?

No.
If you say so.

I do. OK? ]

And I'm not afraid of her.

No, you're a good son just
trying to do the right thing.

What's that meant to mean?

Nothing. As long as you're happy
that you've done the right thing.

The right thing?

Hayden, I've done the only
f*cking thing, all right?

Have you gone and joined the moral
squad with Loretta now, eh?

I'm just saying, that is all.

It is done. Got it?

It's over.

If you say so.

Hey.

What are you doing out?

Came to see you.
Mm-hm.

You know, you got what you wanted.

I'm not modelling lingerie any more.

Wise move.

You happy?
Sure.

I am going to be a model, though.

We'll see about that. ]

I'll do what it takes, Wayne.

As long as that involves finishing
school, it works for me.

Oh God.

You think you can just get what you
want when you want it, don't you?

Just like any guy.

Not really.

All men do, Wayne.

They think because they make a few
bullshit promises, they expect us to
get on our knees and worship them.

Jethro's the same.

But what they don't see is that we
can get way more out of this than
they can.

You know, a night of fun, plus I get
to meet all these people who can
help me out later on.

What does he get? Another wannabe
model to add to his list.

Big deal.

(SIGHS CONTENTEDLY) It's totally
worth it, though.

You better not be bullshitting me.

Ask Jethro. I bet ya
he's a crap liar.

I don't get it.

It's not Hoochie Mama
without Cheryl.

Yes, it is.
But it's Cheryl's company.

Not legally.

But she was there
when we started it.

And now she's not.

How is that the law?

(SIGHS) It is when she signed the
controlling interest over to me,
right?

You'd use the law against your
own mother. That is so low.

I didn't use it against her, OK?
I just pointed out the facts.

Yeah, but it's Cheryl.

Do you guys want to
keep earning money

or do you want to rip it
all up and start over again?

OK, earning money is a good point.

But it's Cheryl!

I didn't want to do this.
I had no choice.

You are stabbing her
in the back with the law?

I was completely upfront about the—

You stabbed her in the face, then!

f*ck's sake!
Hey, there's no need to swear at us.

I'm not sw—

I'm not swearing at you guys, OK?
I'm just trying to tell you how it
is.

I am not the bad guy—
You cannot get rid of Cheryl!

It doesn't feel right to me.

Guys, think—
I've been looking for you.

Oh God. What now?

Like f*cking young girls, do you?

(LAUGHS) I don't know
what you're talking about.

My -year-old sister.

(GASPS) Ew.

You f*cked Deleesha.
That's such a breach of trust.

Oh, on the same day
you fired Cheryl.

It wasn't on the same day.

Yeah, but you did f*ck her.

That is so wrong.
You fired Cheryl?

You didn't even want her working.

And I didn't know your sister was
. She's not exactly a picture
of innocence.

She knew exactly what she
was doing every step of the—

PATRONS GASP

And this is for Cheryl! (GRUNTS)

PATRONS CHEER

Yeah!

Oh!

PATRONS LAUGH

Wayne, you're a legend.

Good on ya, sonny.
I knew you had it in ya.

Hey, I'm not proud of what I did.

[ Oh no, be proud.

OK, he had it coming.
Totally!

We got a few hits in just for you.

It seemed rude not to.

Actually, it did feel pretty good.

Embrace that. Repeat as necessary.

Oi, down girl.

No, Mum, this is just the start.
He has to suffer, and you know it.

He has to suffer till he comes
to you for forgiveness.

We have to find new, imaginative
ways to make him suffer.

I'm not burning his house down.

I hadn't considered that.
Now you mention the possibility—

No.
Mum! You have to do what it takes
till he comes crawling to you.

Can none of the things include
striking or me not getting paid?

Come on, Mum. He declared w*r
on you. Take no prisoners.

So you slept with Jethro

to advance your career? (SCOFFS)
You've got a lot to learn.

I did all right out of it.

You got to walk around in tramp
undies for a night. Big deal.

Why don't you sleep with someone
who might actually be useful?

Plus I met Isaac.

Oh, and that's going really
well, isn't it (?)

I like him. I like him a lot.

Pascalle, you need to leave.

OK.

Guess what we're talking about.

I don't get why
you're mad at me. He—

Oh, pull the other one. You played
Jethro like a pinball machine, so
don't try the innocent act on me.

This can't go on.

Go on, then. Flick me down the line.

I don't mean like that.

I'm actually scared for you —
doing all this sh*t, hanging
with these people.

I know what I'm doing.

Do you? It looks like you're doing
whatever pops into your head and to
hell with everyone else.

I am sick of being trucked all over
the place like I'm this thing —

this thing that people are stuck
with, except when they want to
piss off on their own.

That's when I can be flicked
off to the next poor sucker.

Look, I know you've
had it pretty rough.

I am sick of it.

I don't want to be
that person any more.

Then stop causing all this sh*t.

I am sick of it.

I am sick of people making my
decisions for me. What I want
is to live my own life

and for you to back off.

Well, what if you screw up?
Then I'll be the one screwing up.

Nah, I'm sorry. I still win. ]

No way.

I've got the shittiest family —
my back-stabbing bastard son beats
your delinquent sister hands down.

Jethro knows he's being a prick.
Deleesha's way too young to have
a clue what she's getting into.

God. I was pregnant when
I wasn't much older than her.

Oh, that makes me
feel heaps better (!)

It turned out all right in the end.

[ Except for the bit where one of
them's a back-stabbing bastard.

No, no, it wasn't like that.

[ Seems like it to me.

Deleesha won't back-s*ab you.

Kin oath — she's not even
getting the chance to.

Sounds like famous last words.

I can be pretty persuasive.

Really? I can be
pretty persuasive too.

Oh, sh*t, I hadn't noticed. Ooh.

I reckon we go over there, sort them
all out, man. Show 'em who's boss.

It's not a good idea, Isaac.
Why not?

You don't know the Wests
and their associates.

Yeah, I ain't scared of them.

They would find so many new and
interesting ways to mess you up.

Shut up.
Nah, he's right.

And this is all Jethro's doing,

[ so tough titty.

Thanks for the support.

Will you whine about being innocent?

Hey, you know you can piss
off any time you like, eh?

And I'm not whining cos I'm
the one that's in the right here.

Yeah, sure you are.

Why don't you go back to Loretta,
Hayden? She's clearly sucked all
the man out of you.

You know what?

This thing you've got where you
att*ck anyone who says stuff you
don't want to hear, it's not good.

Well, f*ck off, then, dickhead.

f*ck you. You know what,
I might just do that.

Good. See you later, p*ssy.

Yeah, whatever.

What are you doing here?

I could ask you the same thing.

f*ck off.

Was that the answer?
No, that was an instruction.

Well, I'm not so good
at instructions.

Go away, Hayden.

You can't tell me to go away.
It's not your office.

It's not your office, either.

Jethro's got a bottle of scotch
here, and I came to glean it on
the way home.

You're stealing from Jethro?

No, I'm gleaning.

Though, the guy's acting like
a prize d*ck at the moment.

Then glean away.

So what are you doing?
How do you mean?

Well, here and now.

Stealing stuff or gleaning it,
as you'd put it.

Fair enough.

It's for Mum.

That's very sweet of you.

Piss off.

You're this big softy
now, aren't you?

Yeah, yeah, that's me.
Except when it comes to you.

Oh. Well, I'll keep that in mind.

Are you gonna tell Jethro?

What?

That I'm stealing stuff.

Do you want a scotch?

Jethro's laptop and all the Hoochie
paperwork I could find.

Find where?

The cop gene's still strong.

Did you steal all of
this from his office?

I liberated it for the greater good.

OK, strictly speaking, some laws
were broken. But it's Jethro,
for Christ's sake.

It's not like he's gonna report it.
And it was kinda fun.

You know what we could do next?

Does it involve more scotch?

Trash the office. Make it
look like an actual break-in.

When he realises what's missing,
he'll know it's you.

But we get to trash Jethro's office.

We could even piss in
the drawers if we wanted to.

You piss in his drawers.

I'll watch. (CHUCKLES)

You're a sick man on many levels.

I thank you.

He's a knob. He deserves it.

Actually, I do need a slash.

Mum, this is the stuff
that we need to be doing —

kicking the crap out of him till he
pulls his head in. Screw the legal
bullshit.

We fight the way this
family's always fought.

You mean dirty?

OK. OK.

That's what I'm talking about.

It's not my fault.
What isn't?

Deleesha's not been
in her room all night,

but I can't look after her every
single hour of every hour.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, f*ck.

What?
Have you seen my sister lately?

Is my mother there?
Is she with you?

Deleesha? No. Is Mum there, please?

Do you know where Deleesha is?

Yeah, I've got a rough idea.

Good, see you later, p*ssy.

Yeah, whatever.

Yo, D.

Zac.
What's up?

I am way past my bedtime.

Look, I really need to—

Where is your mate?

Tell Mum I need to talk to her
before this gets out of control.

Where does he live, Jethro?

Did you find her?

I will. Jethro's kind of pissed off.
He wants to talk to you.

Time to put the boot in some more.

You may very well be right.

I love these family-bonding moments.

OK, girls, let's do this.

So we steal everything we can carry?

No, no, not steal.
Liberate.

You can't steal what
is rightfully yours.

So we liberate it.

But only the Hoochie stuff, not
the petty cash. We're not thieves.

No, we're liberators.

sh*t. Try yours.

No, that's a different lock.

sh*t! It is too.

Bastard Jethro.

God, what a sneaky prick
getting in before us.

Hold on.

What's she doing?

(SCREAMS) You go, girl.

Ooh, bags me first.

Oh, it's Mr Popularity (!)

Where is she?
She who?

Mum.
Not here.

Is there any point asking
for my stuff back?

What stuff is that?

Loretta, I know it was you, OK?
I know how you work.

Pissing in my desk drawer was a
little bit more like something
Van would do.

Actually, that was Hayden.
He doesn't like you either.

Whatever.

Jethro, no one actually likes you.
Not even your former best gay
boyfriend.

Could you just please tell
Mum I need to talk to her?

No. ]
What?

I don't think she should talk
to you ever again, actually,

after what you did.
f*ck, I did what I had to.

You did what you wanted to do, which
is what you always do. You're a
snake in the grass, Jethro.

Keep your opinions to yourself and
your nose out of sh*t that's not
about you.

It's pretty similar, Jethro. First
you shafted me, then shafted Mum—

Shut the f*ck up, Loretta!

And don't you dare use Mum
as a way to get back at me.

All right?

Oh, are you hurting, Jethro?

You're a little mummy's boy whose
mummy doesn't love him any more.

f*ck you, you bitch.

What are you two doing?

Jethro's having difficulty
accepting that no one likes him.

Everyone is pretty slutted at you.

Could you please just tell
Mum I need to talk to her?

What's that?

It's my pee.

I had to drink so much. It's really
hard to collect — the angle's all
wrong.

What are you doing
with it, Pascalle?

I'm gonna tip it on Grandpa's chair,
and then he's gonna sit in it and
see how he likes it.

Yeah, OK, that's a
really good idea (!)

Why are you making
it sound like a bad one?

You haven't thought
this through either.
I thought I had.

OK, what's going to happen
after Grandpa sits in the pee?

He'll probably jump up and swear
a lot, and then go get changed.

Leaving us with a piss-soaked chair

stinking out the house.

Oh. All I wanted was revenge.

Don't we all.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, come on, Chelle,
put some effort in.

Oh, you have a bloody go!

We can't. We're pregnant.

(MUTTERS)

OK, how's that meant to help?

It's making me feel better.

OK, give it to me.
Good luck.

It's not about brute force,
Chelle. It's about technique.

Well, aren't you the bloody
crime queen all over again?

Well, f*ck me.

(WHOOPS)

Young people today — they give all
us Islanders a bad name with their
dr*gs and gangs and hip-hop music.

Today we teach a boy
a lesson in respect.

Oh, typical of drug dealers today —

hiding behind a veneer
of respectability.

We're here to get Deleesha back.

Yeah, plus dish an all-you-can-eat
portion of righteous fury.

Just the girl.
Plus some righteous fury.

The girl.

And hold the fury?

Oi!

Mrs Anesi.
Falani, what are you doing here?

We're not paying for repairs
on a car that still doesn't go.

Uh, would Isaac Anesi be here?

Probably asleep in the sleepout —
useless lump that he is.

And how come you haven't
been to church lately?

I dunno. I've been a bit busy, eh.

Too busy for God?

You could have warned me that the
evil drug-dealing, sister-stealing
Isaac is Isaac Anesi.

Why? Will he be armed?

Yes, with a very scary mother.

But I will say one thing. If Isaac
Anesi is the scary drug dealer you
seem to think,

then he's come a long way
from simply being a d*ck.

(GASPS) sh*t!

Get out, man. Piss off.
Just leave her alone.

Whoa, horsie.

Get your clothes on. We're leaving.
No.

Don't argue with me.

Weren't you listening to me before?
I want to live my own life now.

Not with him.

But I love him.
What?

I love him, Wayne.

I love Isaac.

And he loves me too, and we're
gonna get a place together.

You didn't tell my mum that I've
got a girl in my room, did you?

Chelle...
Yes, Cheryl.

Why are you emptying
the booze cupboard?

It's a creative tool.

Fair enough.

So what if he tries to steal
everything back from your place?

I say bring it on.

God, I love you, Cher. What next?

Uh, get those file boxes,
and I'll get the hard drive.

We're like the pirates on the news
who steal oil tankers off the coast
of Salamia.

Kase.
We'll hold this to ransom
until he comes to his senses.

Kase.

Ew, did you just piss yourself?

No, I don't think so, no.

Oh.

sh*t! Rochelle!

I just really got on with Isaac
the first time I met him,

and then we just started talking
and, you know, connected.

And if you'd stop being so uptight
about everything, you'd see that
we work really well.

And I'll get a job.

I'm just not meant for school, OK?

I remember my eldest daughter when
she got caught with a minister.

Not time for story, Falani.

Okey-dokey.

Do you feel the same way about her?

Yeah, for sure.

She rocks my world.

d*ck.

I'm gonna take care of her. I will.

Do you deal dr*gs?
No way.

You let people think you're tough.
Look, I don't do that.

So why didn't you talk to
me instead of giving me attitude?

Oh, it's a Samoan
young-guy d*ck thing.

PHONE RINGS

What's up?
CHERYL: Me is what's up.
I'm in labour.

What? For real? But you're only—

weeks.

sh*t. Where are you now?

In the car going to the hospital,
if Kasey doesn't k*ll us first.

Right. I'll meet you
there. I love you.

I love you too.

Go down Ihimaera Rd.

No way! There are roadworks on
Ihimaera. We're taking Karl Maughan.

HORN BEEPS

f*ck, Kase.

We meant to have a
kid at the hospital.

But by the time we figured out Mrs
Falani was in labour, and not just
indigestion, it's too late.

Polynesian women — they sh**t
out babies like an AK- .

Ooh, Wayne, Wayne! Hi, Wayne!

She's down there and to the right.

She's down there! Down there!

Hey, how come Falani gets to
go down there and we don't?

No! No! Wrong room!

WOMAN SCREAMS

In the next one!

The next one!

Uh, things have kind of paused.

Is it gonna be OK?

Yeah, yeah, they all think so.
Falani, what are you doing here?

I kind of followed him in.

No offence, but I don't
want anyone here who isn't him

or a trained professional looking at
my bits, you know, while I do this.

Oh, right. Well, I'll go, then.

They become like wild horses, so
don't put your head anywhere where
she can kick it.

I'm such a drama queen. I'm sorry.

(SIGHS)

Ooh.

Are you OK?

I think we were just waiting
for you to get here. (SIGHS)

That's my boy.

Oh my God, but she's so early.

Mum's gone into labour.

It's gonna be OK, and if she's like
me, she's got the dates wrong
anyway.

PASCALLE: Is she OK?
I'm sure she'll be fine.

WAYNE: Push, push,
push, push, push. ]

Don't tell me how to push. I know
how to f*cking push. I've done
this before.

I'll stop telling you to push when
you stop trying to crush my hand.

Come on, you're nearly there.

And everyone here is really amazing,
eh, you know? They're so friendly
and reassuring.

KASEY: We are so gonna come
and have our baby here.

That's good, but Van's keen to know
how his mum's doing right now.

Ooh, last time we had an update,
she was doing awesome.

Awesome.

Awesome.

Thanks.

Come on, baby, you can do it. Almost
there. Almost there. Good girl.

It's a boy.
(CRIES, LAUGHS)

It's a boy, I told you.

I told you. You're amazing.

You're amazing.

Why isn't he crying?

Oh, cos he's a laid-back
crazy Maori kid.

What?
He's getting stabilised, Mrs West.

What? Is there something wrong?

What's the matter?
Still no pulse.

Right, vitamin K.

What the f*ck is wrong with
my baby? What's going on?

[ He's not responding.

[ He's gone.

♪ Another page of written
thoughts that I will send.

♪ We began with four words
and we will end.

♪ Beyond them,
there's an easier way.

♪ Cos you can't wrap your
arms around an idea.

♪ No, you can't wrap
your arms around an idea.

♪ So hold on to me.

♪ Yes.

♪ Hold on to me.

♪ Yes.

♪ Another day of hidden
foes to comprehend.

♪ Foes that break,
but never bend between us.

♪ There's an easier way.

♪ There's a space in
everything we see and do.

♪ There's a space — I feel it too.

♪ Face to face —
it's the easiest way.

♪ Cos you can't wrap
your arms around an idea.

♪ No, you can't wrap
your arms around an idea.

♪ All I ever wanted was to
share a life with you together,

♪ but you were
half a world away. ♪

Gidday, love.

HELLO SAILOR'S
'GUTTER BLACK' PLAYS

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'