♪ Wheel's on fire ♪
♪ Rollin' down the road ♪
♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪
♪ This wheel shall explode. ♪
MAN: (ON RADIO)
You're listening to BBC Radio .
Coming up on Radio at : ,
My Oxbridge,
a half-hour of in-jokes...
(EDINA SIGHS OVER SPEAKER)
and unashamedly impenetrable
exclusive anecdotes
- from the varsity...
- (SIGHS)
with Sir Bernard Ingham
and Stephen Fry.
- This is followed by Woman's Hour...
- (SIGHS RASPBERRY)
- where Jenni Murray talks to...
- (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
about the Islamic references
in Jane Austen's novel...
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
..Pride and Prejudice.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Hello? Hello?
Hello, hello, hello! Can you hear me?
Can you hear me? Is anyone there?
Hello?
I'm under att*ck! I'm under att*ck!
Call the police! Call the police!
Hello? Hello?
Testing, testing,
testing, testing.
(SINGS) ♪ I'm a-walking down the road ♪
- ♪ Just a-lookin' in the fields... ♪
- Mum!
- Could you hear me, darling?
- Yes. What is that?
I was talking to you
from my panic room.
- Panic room?
- Yeah.
Yeah, a panic room, darling.
My new panic room.
You know my old nuclear shelter?
I'm refurbishing it now, darling,
as a panic room.
So if we panic, you know,
it's a little safe room, darling,
in case, you know, we're att*cked
by murderous thugs or...
or t*rrorists, darling.
Everybody's got one.
- How ridiculous.
- Ridiculous?
Because I tell you, darling...
Look, sweetheart.
This little baby on the...
This little baby on the way,
darling...
- Is it still in there?
- Yes!
Has made me realise, sweetheart,
just how unsafe the world is.
There's some mean mothers
out there, baby.
- There's one in here.
- Oh, shut up.
Anyway, sweetheart, I want you to be
more aware of keeping things sealed.
Windows sealed. Doors locked.
Alright, sweetheart?
I mean, you'll be glad
of that anthr*x filter
when the inevitable dirty b*mb gets
dropped on Holland Park, I tell you.
Now, will you help me
carry some stuff down, darling?
Darling, help me. I can...
Help. Help. Carry. Carry.
More things.
I... I want more.
This is all the stuff I can't get
in the panic room at the moment
so be careful.
Mind my Eames chair.
It's coming in eventually.
Don't touch the door, darling.
Mind your fingers! Mind your fingers!
Don't touch that door, sweetheart.
I haven't worked out the, uh, keypad
and the codes
and everything, sweetheart.
Ohh!
Ta-da! Safe room.
- ♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba! ♪
- ♪ Chick-chick-chick-cha! Boo-boo! ♪
- Darling, look.
- ♪ Diddle, ching-chong! ♪
Pizza ready, darling.
Look, darling, sweetheart.
- ♪ Ba-ba-ba! ♪
- Small branch of Sainsbury's, darling.
And look - all the conveniences,
sweetheart. Little toilet.
(MIMICS FLUSH)
I wondered where
everything was going.
Is that MY Trivial Pursuit?
- Yes, darling.
- What IS that, sweetheart?
- It's a board game.
- Oh.
Well, it's for here, if we panic,
darling, so you can play it here.
Yes, well, I want
to play it in the house.
Yeah, but, darling,
then, if you panic,
you're not gonna have time to
get it!
Do you think some m*rder*r's
gonna honestly say,
"Oi, Jim, let her
get her Trivial Pursuit
"before we chop off her arm and
pull off her Rolex," do you, darling?
Whoosh-pow!
Boing-boing-boing-boing-boing!
Boing! Kkkkkk!
Hmm?
Mum, you're just paying into
the whole panic culture. I hate it.
The world is actually safer
than it's ever been.
In fact, you're more likely
to be hit by a bus.
Oh, yeah, darling.
That'd be ironic, wouldn't it?
The closest I've ever been to public
transport, and it... runs over me.
And even then, there's no guarantee
the bus won't come off worse.
(HUFFS)
I'm gonna get
some more stuff in here.
Come on! Follow me. Follow me.
Mind my Eames chair,
and don't touch this door.
Come on, clog feet!
Anyway, darling, it's not me
that's changed, darling -
it's the criminal that has changed.
I mean, nowadays, darling,
these are big-time players.
These are celebrity K*llers.
These are t*rrorists, sweetheart.
Do you think you'd get
a two-book-and-a-movie deal
for snatching a handbag?
Oh, no, darling. Oh, no, sweetheart.
These people don't plan a job,
darling - they write the script.
They have it serialised
in the Daily Mail, darling.
These are the people
that make Jack the Ripper
look like a manicurist -
believe me, sweetheart.
Total overreaction.
I know your sort, darling -
"Don't want it till I need it."
"Don't want it till I need it."
Well, you're not invited in.
Oh! What a weekend I have had!
Requests, requests, requests!
Elton John's invited me to his place
in the South of France.
I said, "No, thank you."
His villa is like
a halfway house to The Priory.
Will I go and keep
Elizabeth Hurley company?
Will I bugger!
Has she got no friends of her own?
Who is this now? Who has she become?
Oh, and I've had
Anoushka Hempel calling me -
will I go down to her yacht
in St Tropez?
Will I bugger!
- What? St Tropez?
- I know. How common!
How did... how did you get in?!
Window.
I told you, sweetheart -
you have to shut the windows,
keep everything sealed!
You could've let in
contamination, darling!
Nothing can be as bad
as what's in here already.
- Oh, shut up.
- PATSY: Eddie, Eddie, Eddie!
- Oh!
- Oh, no.
Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!
I take that back -
it just got worse.
- Oh, sweetheart. What is it, darling?
- Eddie. Eddie, Eddie.
- Eddie-Eddie-Eddie-Eddie-Eddie-Eddie!
- What? What? What? What, sweetheart?
- How did she get in?
- You didn't lock the door!
Sweetheart. Go on. Go on. Go on.
- Eddie, Eddie, Eddie...
- Yes? Yes? Yes? What? What?
- What, sweetheart? Calm down.
- What, darling? What, darling?
- I was at work today.
- Oh!
- Sweetheart...
- No. No. Eddie, Eddie...
Now we're ALL in shock.
- Go on, sweetheart.
- Eddie, the girls were off.
(GASPS)
So I was on the floor.
(GASPS)
Nothing new for you.
Oh, kuss-kuss-kuss-kuss-kuss!
I was working. I was... selling.
- Oh, no, sweetheart.
- Yeah.
- Not you s... selling?
- Yeah.
- On the shop floor?
- I wasn't happy, Eddie.
WOMAN: Excuse me - how much is this?
What?
How much is this bag?
I heard you.
Why? Are you worried
you can't afford it?
I don't know.
Then you can't. Get out.
- But...
- Get out. Put the bag down.
I wasn't going to steal.
Get out before I call the police.
WOMAN: Can you help me?
What?
The oxygen bar.
Yes?
Is it just oxygen?
No. Read it.
We have a range of gases.
Pamper is sodium pentothal,
Happy Time is nitrous oxide,
Sleepy Time is carbon monoxide.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
(ALARM BLARES)
You can't come in.
You're too fat. Get out.
Alright, let me help you.
You're probably looking
for the way out.
Or didn't you bother
to read the notice?
It says,
"No T-shirts. No flip-flops."
In fact, no you.
(GASPS)
Minnie Driver!
Lilene? Yeah.
- I'm not shopping, I'm looking.
- That's why I'm calling you.
Yeah, there's a seed pod bag
in Versace that I want,
and these feathered cuffs in Dior.
No, I tried. I tried.
They kept asking me to pay!
Yeah, I want the Tod bag, OK?
Did you tell them?
No, I don't want a discount -
I want it free. Right? Free. Yeah.
OK, well, you tell them. Yeah.
No. I don't know where I am
right now. Where am I right now?
What?
My publicist. Where am I right now?
It's Jeremy's.
OK, I don't know. I'll find out.
- Patsy Stone?
- Minnie Driver.
- Patsy Stone?
- Minnie.
- Patsy Stone?
- Minnie.
- Patsy Stone?
- Min.
- Are you Patsy Stone?
- Yes, I'm Patsy Stone.
Yeah, my publicist told me
that you were a stylist.
Yes, yes. Well, I'm a buyer
and style consultant to Jeremy.
- What is it?
- It's a man.
- No, what is this place?
- Oh. Uh, this is Jeremy's.
What is it?
It's, um, a concept.
A philosophy. Um, a destination.
- Oh, it's a shop!
- Yes, it's a shop.
Ah. Not much in it, is there?
No. Only what
our customer wants, Minnie.
In fact, what most of our customers
want is a bag from Jeremy's.
Minnie, Minnie, would you like
a Jeremy's bag, darling?
What is that smell?
Oh. That's Jeremy.
Our new perfume and room aromariser.
It's exclusive to Jeremy.
Perfectly suited to his customer.
- Smells like formaldehyde.
- (SNIFFS)
Oh. No, that IS his customer.
I'm so sorry, Minnie.
That's Uma Rottweiler.
She's not long for this world.
In fact, she may
have already passed away.
But she can't stop shopping!
It's only the embalming fluid
that keeps her on her feet. (LAUGHS)
Now, darling, is there anything
I can do for you?
No, I don't think so.
- There's nothing here for me.
- Oh?
In fact, the whole of Bond Street
is a complete let-down.
I've been into most of the designers
and they keep asking me to...
Sign autographs and borrow things
for premieres...?
Pay!
Oh, no, Minnie!
Oh, no. Well, darling,
I think I can help you here.
Good, good. Right.
Hi. Is that Heat magazine?
Yeah. I've got some pictures
of Minnie Driver shopping.
Yeah, she does look bloody rough.
Minnie, Minnie, Minnie! Minnie!
Minnie-Minnie-Minnie-Minnie-Minnie-
Minnie-Minnie-Minnie-Minnie-Minnie!
- Minnie-Minnie-Minnie-Minnie-Minnie!
- Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi? What happened, darling?
- Shall I slap her?
- No! No! Shut up.
- Can I?
- Sa-sa-sa-sa-sa!
- Minnie, Minnie, Minnie...
- Sweetie, darling.
- What happened, darling?
- Ed. Ed.
Tell us what happened. Yes?
She's coming here tomorrow
for a styling session!
What, here?
- Yes. I-I thought...
- Well, that's fantastic.
- That's fantastic.
- Yes. I thought...
We could get some stuff in,
see what she likes.
Oh, Eddie, this is my first
celebrity client!
- Get out!
- Oh, we'll get some stuff in.
I mean, if she likes some stuff,
we'll come to a little arrangement.
- Oh, I like Minnie Driver.
- I like Minnie Driver.
I like little Minnie Driver.
- Minnie?
- Yeah, Minnie.
Minnie Driver's coming here, yeah.
- Minnie Driver?
- Yes, Minnie Driver.
Is it a dwarf?
- What?
- Is it a dwarf?
What are you saying?
Why are you saying that?
- (DEEP VOICE) Is it a dwarf?
- Stop saying that! That's just weird!
Ask her if it's a dwarf.
- Is it a dwarf?
- No, it's Minnie Driver!
- It's Minnie Driver!
- Well, I don't know...
- She's a huge Hollywood star!
- Minnie Driver.
Well, what's she been in?
Darling, darling,
what's she been in, little Minnie?
- Oh, darling, she... um...
- Little Minnie, darling.
- Little...
- Um...
Minnie Driver -
she's been in... Good...
- Headhunting.
- Good Headhunting!
- Good Headhunting.
- And what else, Eddie? What else?
Come on, come on!
I love Minnie Driver.
She was in Circle Of Friends.
I think I know who you mean.
Stop it now,
I don't like this attitude,
I don't like this one.
Is she one of those
English actresses...
I said stop it!
That's gone to Hollywood?
- Oh, shut her up, Eddie.
- Shut up.
Oh, I know the type.
The type that's always asking
for free clothes.
No!
Nothing is free, I know that,
you always pay for it.
You have shop openings, parties,
names to remember,
people you have to talk to.
Favours are always called in.
No, no, but Eddie, there are little
people like Dolce & Gabbana.
- Yeah.
- Lovely sweet Stefano and Domenico.
You know, darling, they treat stars
as billboards!
- They're advertising. They're...
- Badoing! Badoing!
- Walking column inches.
- Badoing-doing-doing!
- Eddie, Eddie, darling, darling...
- Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
A business without advertising is
like winking at a girl in the dark,
you know you're doing it,
but nobody else does.
Winking at a girl in the dark?
Well, not me!
Yeah, and not Stefano and Domenico if
I'm any judge of character, darling,
I can tell you! (LAUGHS)
- It's a quote!
- Oh, darling!
- This could be so big for you.
- Yeah.
- Couldn't it, sweetheart?
- Yeah.
I'd better go out and pull some
really fantastic clothes for her.
- Yeah, darling.
- Today, Bond Street.
- And tomorrow, the Oscars!
- Cheers.
- Ooh, Hollywood beckons, sweetheart.
- Oh, yeah.
Darling, do you think it's time
for a little... (PUCKERS)
- What, a little collagen?
- ..plumping, yeah.
Mmm.
It would take more than collagen
to fill your face.
- Oh, sweetie.
- It's just a little plumping.
How many whales will have to die
to fill those crevices?
- Shush, sweetheart.
- It's just a little filling.
The whaling fleet may not be able
to cope with the demand.
Shush! Sweetheart,
just a little filler.
Mountaineers have d*ed
falling into shallower ravines
- than your wrinkles.
- Oh, shut up!
- Oh, darling, I want that!
- Jackson, Dolce & Gabbana.
- Dolce, Dolce, Dolce.
- Stella McCartney.
Sweetheart, she's not gonna want
all this stuff. I want it.
- Eddie, just leave them here.
- I'd look good in that.
Sweetheart. Pats. Darling. Darling,
can I be here when she comes?
What, darling?
Can I be here when Minnie comes,
darling? Is it alright?
Look, Eddie, you see the thing is
I've told her this is MY store.
- But it's my house.
- I know, darling.
- I said it would be very discreet.
- Oh!
- I really like Minnie.
- But Minnie, little Minnie...
I like Minnie.
She doesn't want the world and
his wife to see her in her scanties.
- I'll just be casually found.
- Well, maybe just be casual.
(DOOR BUZZES)
(BOTH GASP)
That's her. That's her, darling.
Bubble, give us a bit of time!
Move this around to the side.
Off you go.
Move around to the side.
Yeah, hold on.
I'm here to see Patsy Stone.
Are you Minnie Driver?
- Yes.
- (POSH VOICE) Then come in.
Wipe your feet!
- Ta-da!
- Oh, hi, Minnie. Come in.
- Come in, darling.
- Who are all these people?
- Oh, well, this is...
- Don't tell me names!
I don't do names.
Lilene? Yeah, I'm really pissed
at Dior.
You tell them to make it fit
and make it free, right? OK.
Right. So that's all of us.
Now, Minnie, would you like
something to eat or drink, darling?
What's happened to you?
Oh, just a little plumping.
Listen, first rule -
mouth should be smaller than face.
- Now, what have you got for me?
- Oh, right,
well, look, I pulled things from
all kinds of designers, darling,
I've got embroidery,
a modern take on the classics.
And, um... Now, what size are you
so we can change all the labels?
- I'm a two.
- A two?!
A two.
- What is a two?
- A two is a four.
- What's a four?
- A four's a six.
- What's a six, darling?
- Alright, alright! I'm a ten!
A ten. She's a ten.
Come on.
(SMIRKS) "I'm a ten!"
Yes. Yes. No. No.
Hate it. Maybe. Like.
Don't know. Maybe.
No. No. That's cute. That's...
Why are you still here?
I don't want everybody
watching me in my scanties.
Of course not, Minnie.
Of course not.
- Eddie, please, can you just go?
- Me?
Yes, darling. Please go. Because
Minnie Driver, she... (GRUMBLES)
Oh, Minnie, yes, that's it, darling.
Hold that one.
Yes, I will, darling,
I'd hold anything for you.
- Maybe.
- Yeah.
How much of this stuff
can I actually have?
- What, have?
- Mmm.
Oh, well, I'm sure we can come
to some sort of arrangement.
You know, I rather
like that necklace your...
fat little hippo chubster friend
was wearing.
Who? Who?
Oh, little fatty fat hat.
- Oh, Eddie?
- Mmm.
You like her necklace?
It's no problem. I'll get it.
- That's no problem. She won't mind.
- (LAUGHS)
That's no problem, sweetheart.
No problem, Minnie.
So just make yourself at home,
darling. Just...
The necklace,
I'll get it for you, darling.
Eddie, darling, can you give me
that necklace.
- What necklace, darling?
- This necklace.
- I want this necklace.
- No, it's my necklace!
- Darling, I want the necklace!
- Let go of my necklace!
- Minnie wants it. Minnie wants it!
- No!
Sweetheart, your necklace!
(DOOR BEEPS)
Can you open it, Eddie?
Open it. Open it.
Sweetheart... Oh! Oh! Oh!
- What have you done? I can't open it.
- Hang on.
Don't touch anything, darling,
I'll get the instruction book.
- Hang on, darling. There's a code.
- Oh, my God!
There's a code.
Don't touch the buttons!
Don't touch the buttons, sweetheart!
- There's a code. There's a...
- Bah, bah, bah.
Sweetheart, don't...
Will you stop touching the buttons?!
It says every time
you put in the wrong number,
we have to wait another hour.
How many times
did you touch those buttons, Pats?
- I hardly touched them.
- How many times?
- I hardly touched them.
- Look at those numbers on the thing!
- Oh, God! Minnie! Minnie! Minnie!
- You fool! Oh, God.
Minnie!
So how is it in...
(SINGS) ♪ Hollywood? ♪
Catherine Zeta-Jones rather stole
your thunder, didn't she?
What?
PATSY: (OVER SPEAKER) Hello.
Hello, Minnie. It's Patsy.
Who?
It's Patsy Stone.
The lip.
Darling, I can't come back today.
I'm...
I'm stuck. I'm called away.
I'm sorry, darling.
Where is she?
In the walls!
How bloody rude of her!
That's magic.
How long have we been in here,
Eddie?
Oh, I don't know, darling. I think...
(SIGHS) That looks as if we've got
three days or something left,
but the way you went at that keyboard
like a hyperactive typist,
it could be months.
You should have just given me
the necklace!
Oh!
Oh, look, we're here now, darling,
we might as well get on with it.
I suppose that's goodbye
to Hollywood for me.
- Here, sweetheart.
- Cheers, darling.
- Careful, sweetheart, watch it.
- Cheers, darling.
- I don't want it on my pod.
- Well...
Oh!
(SIGHS)
(HUMS)
She's right about your lip, darling.
What do you mean?
Well, you just need to...
balance it or something.
- On the bottom?
- Yeah.
I did, but I haven't got
very much left.
- Put a little bit more.
- On the bottom?
(ROLLS TONGUE)
(PUFFS)
You shouldn't have started.
Once you get the top beak, you've
gotta balance it with the bottom beak
and then you gotta balance
the whole beak with the cheeks,
you see, darling?
Before you know, you're just
a visitor in your own face.
How much longer, Eddie?
Oh, sweetheart,
would you stop asking,
it's not gonna go any faster
if you keep asking.
- Do you want to play a game?
- No.
Where is it, darling?
Where's my magazine?
Where's my magazine, darling?
Come and sit here.
- Yeah.
- Come and sit here, sweetheart.
Look. Look.
Right, it's a random page,
I'm choosing a random page.
Random, random, random,
random, random.
- That page, sweetheart.
- Yeah.
Alright, darling, you've got to sleep
with someone on this page.
You have to, alright?
You have to sleep with one person.
Who's it gonna be?
Oh, I've slept with them all.
- All of them, darling?
- Yeah.
- What, Brad Pitt?
- Oh, yeah.
- Well, sweetheart, him?
- Yeah.
- Oh, Hugh Grant?
- Yeah, well, who hasn't, you know?
Well, Prince Philip, darling?
My lips are sealed.
Well, just nod.
- Mm-hm.
- Oh!
What? Carol Smillie? Oh, come on!
- How much longer, Eddie?
- Oh, I don't know, darling.
Will you stop asking. Why?
- Eddie, I need the toilet.
- (GROANS)
Well, I'm not even sure
it's plumbed in, darling.
Have another drink. Come on,
come on, then. Have another drink.
Ah...
It's quite nice, this, actually,
isn't it?
Yeah.
Here, away. No-one can get at you.
Yeah.
Time to think a little bit.
What are you thinking?
Oh, just about the world,
you know, darling.
You know, cosmopolitan society
that we live in, sweetheart.
It's funny, 'cause you see
loads of people, don't you, now?
You see, like, Africans
on the street, you see Arabs.
Chinese, Eskimos, don't you, darling?
Yeah.
And everyone has just sort
of assimilated into our society.
But I was just thinking,
you know what you never see, darling?
No. What?
Pygmies.
You don't ever see them.
You never see a pygmy.
You never go walking down the street,
see a little pygmy on the buses or
anything like that, do you, darling?
No, "Oh, my daughter's
going out with this lovely chap."
"By the way he's a pygmy,"
you know.
You know, it doesn't happen -
little pygmy restaurants,
pygmy cuisine, pygmy TV.
You just don't have it, do you?
(LAUGHS)
You're right there, Ed.
Yeah.
Ed, on the TV, what...?
Yeah?
Where is that?
What?
Where is that?
Where is that, darling?
Oh, I like that table.
Where is that, sweetheart? (GASPS)
Is that little Saffy?
What's Saffy doing on TV?!
(SCREAMS) Darling, that's my kitchen!
Look, is that the sink, is it?
This is in my kitchen, darling, look.
Sweetheart, I've got security
cameras, darling. Look at that!
- Look at that.
- Oh, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
Oh, whoo, whoo, whoo,
whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
- Darling, darling. Does she know?
- Well, even I didn't know, darling.
How's she gonna know?
Oh, Eddie, let's watch her.
Oh, yeah, yeah, let's watch her.
Let's see what she does.
Oh, she's picking her behind.
Oh, she's drinking something.
- Putting it down again.
- Yeah, putting it down.
Putting a little lid on.
A little lid on something.
Oh, this is quite good.
Sitting.
- I think we should tell her.
- Darling, no, no, no,
we might get something on her.
What? She's not gonna do anything,
it's not like Saffy's gonna
suddenly lob out an old titto,
is she, darling, huh?
- Probably not.
- Oh, look, she's moving!
- She's gonna do something!
- Oh, oh, oh.
- She's going over...
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
She's coming. She put it...
She's coming back.
- Put it down.
- Oh, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
Oh, darling, let's get in
some more drinks, darling.
- This could become addictive.
- (LAUGHS)
Here we go.
(HICCUPS) Oh, Eddie,
get her to do something.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Hello.
This is Big Mother speaking.
Darling, me and Patsy are locked
in the panic room.
We may be here for some months.
We have no idea, darling.
You are our only amusement.
Please stay active, Saffron.
Don't ignore me, darling, come on.
Your first task, Saffron,
is to put the television on, darling,
so we may watch it.
SAFFRON: Stop it!
Well, darling,
please just do something, hmm?
Put the television on
or just do something amusing.
We can see you!
How?
I don't believe you.
No, there's just cameras everywhere,
sweetheart. We can see you.
Saffron, please come to the cupboard
under the sink.
Come on, sweetheart.
Just move the salad spinner
so we can see your face, darling.
What are you doing?
We are stuck.
- Well, it serves you right.
- Oh, sweetheart.
Sweetheart!
- Now, here's the question.
- Yes.
(SIGHS)
"Which is the most visited mountain"
"in America's Black Hills range?"
Oh, I know this. I know this.
- Is the most...?
- Visited mountain.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- In America's Black Hills range.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you say 'which' or 'what'?
Which!
- Is the most...
- You don't know this.
- No! I know this, I know this!
- She does.
- Well, what's the answer?
- It's Mount Rushmore.
- I don't think it's that.
- No, I don't think that's right.
- Oh, no, no. No, that is right.
- Is that in America?
Darling, I want... give me
Entertainment, sweetheart.
- No, it's not your turn.
- Oh, sweetie.
I think you've got
the wrong questions for us, darling.
We don't want to play anymore. We
don't wanna play that game anymore.
(SIGHS)
Have you got a joint, Eddie?
Oh, darling, I've got most
of a northern Pakistani field here
- if you want it.
- (CHUCKLES)
- What's happening?
- Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm.
- Oh.
- Oh, hoo-hoo.
Ooh. Ooh, darling.
Oh, look, darling,
she's got a little housemate.
Oh, yeah. A little
will-they-won't-they situation.
Ooh, yes, darling.
- No, I don't think they will.
- No, I don't think they will.
Unless that's old Titicaca Two-Ways.
Hello?
- Where are you, mum-to-be?
- I'm here.
- But don't say anything.
- Why? What's the matter?
Just be quiet. (WHISPERS) I have
to tell you something.
(GIGGLES) Oh, no.
I hope it's not,
"I'm going to be a mother"
"and you're my threatening
single girlfriend."
Don't be so stupid!
Just come and sit down.
Now, listen...
my mother is watching us
and can hear everything we say.
What?!
There are secret cameras everywhere.
(LAUGHS) Oh, is this some kind
of fantasy thing?
What do you want me to say?
No, it's the truth.
She's watching us!
OK, loosen up.
Why don't we just, like, open up
some of her booze like normal?
Shall I open a bottle of champagne
and we can either drink it
or just flush it down the toilet.
Just stop it!
Isn't this what you want me to say?
Isn't this part of the fantasy?
Oh, it's so dangerous!
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
Oh, I feel fantastic.
Right. I think you should just go.
Oh, remember when we went upstairs
into her bedroom
and we put on all her clothes
and we played Patsy and Eddie
in the bath and we...
(GASPS)
Just get out.
No, stay.
Get out.
Darling, tell her to go...
Titicaca, to the sink cupboard.
Get out!
Titicaca, to the sink cupboard!
(SCREAMS)
Titicaca, to the sink cupboard! Oh.
Oh, sweetheart.
Where is she? Where is she?
You're not authorised to leave.
Titicaca, you're not authorised
to leave, sweet...
(GASPS)
Eddie, Eddie, it's open!
Look, it's open, darling!
- Quick, go, darling.
- Eddie, Eddie, I can't stop peeing.
- Quick, stop peeing.
- I just can't stop peeing.
I've stopped, now.
I've stopped now, Eddie.
Eddie, is this plumbed in.
No, I don't think it is plumbed in.
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) Oh, darling,
we're free, sweetheart.
Oh, sweetheart, what century is it,
what year, what month,
what day, sweetheart?
How long were we in there?
Two hours.
Two hours?
Oh, Minnie! Minnie!
Minnie? Minnie!
Minnie!
BOTH: Minnie, Min-Min,
Minnie, Min-Min. Minnie, Min-Min!
Min.
Min.
Oh, God,
she's taken all the clothes.
Even the cheesy nibbles.
♪ This wheel's on fire ♪
♪ Rolling down the road ♪
♪ Best notify my next of kin ♪
♪ This wheel shall explode... ♪
How could she, Eddie?
I don't know.
I'll have to pay for those clothes.
I know, sweetheart!
I hope some pap gets his telescopic
right up her crotch, darling!
Full tit and minge!
Yeah.
Four chins and half-blinking.
Yeah. Bumpy arse.
I hate Minnie Driver.
I hate her and her type, sweetheart.
(SIGHS) Still...
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Got something out of it,
didn't we, darling? (LAUGHS)
Oooh-ooh-oooh.
(HUMS)
In the bath, sweetheart?
We were .
♪ This wheel shall explode. ♪
05x03 - Panickin
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Series features Edina Monsoon, a heavy-drinking, drug-abusing PR mogul who spends her time failing to lose weight and chasing bizarre fads in a desperate attempt to stay young and "hip".
Series features Edina Monsoon, a heavy-drinking, drug-abusing PR mogul who spends her time failing to lose weight and chasing bizarre fads in a desperate attempt to stay young and "hip".