05x01 - Cleanin

[bunniefuu]

BUBBLE:
So I went on to this bar
and I was really hammered.

Which was mad!
And I'm going, "Way!"

And he says, "Hello, ma'am."

Just went, "Way!"
It's so funny.

Ah, so funny. (CHUCKLES)

And then we went
on to this other bar.

I saw this vomit on me shoe.

And I thought...

Then I vomit on meself.
(LAUGHS)

And they're all cracking up
and I'm going,
"Shut up and get the basin!"

Anyhoo, thinking,
"Well, it would be rude
not to.

"So I net the lot."
(LAUGHING)

Now, I don't remember anything
about the hour after that,

which was just brilliant,
I'm told.

And then, I, just about...
(SPLASH)

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

Come on, swim, Eddy, swim!

Turn that off.
I'm only in here
because I want to pee!

Turn it off!

Ah. That's better.

-Do you want a prawn, Eddy?
-Oh, yeah.

Throw Flipper a prawn.

(MAKING ANIMAL NOISES)

You can always get your
toes sewn together, Eddy,
it'll help you swim.

(SIGHS) I love
my new bathroom.

Is this the shower
I told you to buy?

Oh, yeah, darling.
That baby rocks,
let me tell you.

I mean, that is a shower,
a sauna, a massage,

depilatation, exfoliation,
sound system. It's fantastic!

(CHUCKLES)
Gives you a full wash and wax

and it polishes your hubcaps
at the same time.

(SIGHS) You have to be careful
with the wax cycle, though.

Came out yesterday,
I'd been bearded by my pubes.

(PATSY LAUGHS)

That's the seeing-eye toilet,
that one.

-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah, gives you
a full wash and dry,

tests you for diabetes.
Whoo-hoo!

In Bangkok, you can get one
that inserts a cigarette.

(CHUCKLES)

-Fantastic.
-(TOILET FLUSHES)

Oh! Oh, what happened?

You moved, darling.

I haven't moved since .

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Darling, did I tell you
it's got Internet access
and a videophone as well?

-Eddy?
-Yeah?

Eddy, look. Can I get away
with this mouth?

(SQUEAKING)

Only in L.A., darling.

Ah, one's bleeding
a little round the edges.

It's haemorrhaging.

Oh, damn. I have to see
the collagen man today.

Eddy, I might have
to use you as a donor.

I don't think
I've got enough left.
(CHUCKLES)

(SMACKING)
My arse on your face?

-(CHUCKLES)
-Darling, come on,
hurry up.

We've got a lot to do today.
We're on the razz!

Who knows when
that little bitch troll
from hell's gonna turn up!

Towels! Towels!

I haven't... (COUGHS)
I haven't heard anything
from Saffy, darling.

-We've got to burn every day
as if it's our last, babe.
-Yeah.

We've gotta saddle up
the wild stallions
and ride 'em out!

Hitch.

It's still doing my feet.

I'm hungry and ravenous for
the pleasures of now!

EDINA:Yes! (CHUCKLES)

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

-Oh, what's that?
-Well, that'll be your tan.

-Light oak, antique pine...
-I don't like those ones.

-No, no.
-What's that shiny one?

Patent leather.
That's for body builders.

-Oh, no.
-Oh, I can't do that one.

-What about this one?
-Yeah, this one.

-The Donatella collection?
-Yeah.

But what about
the crocodile skin?

That's Valentino.

-I think we want
winter Donatella.
-That one.

-That one.
-Right.

-(INHALES)
-Hmm. Right.

Stand against
the wall, please.

I hope you're better at this
than you are at St Tropez.

It's hard to tell how many
coats a pasty white pudding
like you will need.

Was it too dark?

Let's just say
I narrowly avoided
two arranged marriages

and an audition
for Bombay Dreams.

Am I doing just the face?

PATSY: No, no, all over, Eddy.

With or without pants?

With pants. I don't mind
having a mark.

Without!

Pants off.

Right. I'll need
a bigger nozzle.

(MOUTHING)

(CLICKING MACHINE)

Any last words?

Yes. I'm...

Oh, that's a good shade, Eddy.

Eddy, pants off.

I have got my pants off.

Lift the belly up, dear,
so I can get under.

You don't want to look
like marble cake.

Come on. Lift it, lift it.

Now turn around.
Pull everything apart.

Where's that daughter
of yours, still away in Iraq?

Yeah, we think so.

Keep turning.
Keep up, woman.

What was it she went to do?
I keep trying to remember
to tell all my friends.

-Human shield!
-Just spray.

Are you going anywhere nice
on your holiday this year?

Oh, shut up!

It's customer service.
I am trained, you know.

Okay, you're done.

There you are, Eddy.
Told you it was the best.

You better do something
about your arse, Eddy.

But, darling, I'm wearing
the shaping pants.

Yeah, but what shape?

I mean, you know, it doesn't
look as if "buttock"
is in their repertoire.

Oh, stop it.

It's a whole pulley system.
You have to tighten them
up here.

I can't wear them any higher
or I'll be using them
as a headrest!

Anyway, I got a good
bum, ain't I?

I don't want a great,
big fat bum like J.Lo,
do I, darling?

I mean, how high have
that woman's heels got

to keep that nancy off
the pavement now?

Oh! Why is it such a mess
in here still?

Mmm, book a cleaner.

I booked a cleaner!
I booked a cleaner every day

for the last six months,
darling. It's just
no one turns up.

Why would they just go?

-We could always go
to Jeremy's penthouse.
-Huh?

Yeah, he's going to be
in Tokyo indefinitely.
He gave me the keys.

-Well, who's running the shop?
-I am.

I did that little
management course, you know.

Buy, sell, hire, and fire.

-Mmm.
-You know, the secret is,
Eddy,

is you got to hire people
while they're still
in awe of you,

treat 'em like sh*t
and then sack 'em
before they despise you.

That's fantastic.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Would you like to see
my new telly, darling?

-Right now?
-Like that.

Journalist and presenter,
Katy Grin.

Thank you, Fern.
- (CHATTING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh, sh*t!

Katy, you've got this new
book out called
My Iraq: An Account.

Yes, well,
it's called My Iraq,

but really it's collection
of reminiscences
from various journalists

and members of the public.

Because you, of course,
were sent out to be embedded
with the troops,

but then you never
quite made it.

Yes, well, I just
landed in Kuwait,

and was giving my
first report back for GMTV,

when the elasticated toggle...
(SIGHS)...on the bottom
of my fatigues,

which you have to pull tight
to stop your pants
filling with sand,

got caught
in the caterpillar tracks
of a passing American t*nk.

I, I was pulled under.

I think, actually,
we've got that clip.

If you have a look at this,
you actually talk us
through it.

Good morning, Eamonn!

And as you can see,
I'm here in... (SCREAMS)

Can you believe
I still represent that woman?

She's stuck to my arse
like an old barnacle.

-Who else have you got?
-(SIGHS) Oh, darling,

it's just Baby Spice,
Queen Noor and the cast
of Cutting It now.

-Lulu?
-No, she left me, darling.

-She said she despised me!
-You should have sacked her!

I know I should have.

Oh, darling,
don't talk about that.
Don't even think about it.

-No talk of work today.
-No, no talk of work.

Today, darling, we're gonna
give ourselves
some big treats.

-Oh, yeah.
-Today, we're gonna have some
serious fun!

Yes, darling!

-Like yesterday. Yesterday was
serious fun, wasn't it?
-Yeah.

In fact, darling, every day
since Saffy's been gone has
been serious fun, isn't it?

Yeah, it's fantastic!

-We can do anything we want!
-Yeah, we can, darling.

-Because nothing is naughty
if teacher ain't here.
-No, nothing!

Hey! Nothing is a sin!

-We are in paradise.
-Yeah.

-We are eating of
(GRUFFLY) the forbidden fruit.
-Yeah, darling.

Forbidden food. Every day
is just a pick and mix.

All you can eat for cents
of forbidden food,
isn't it, darling?

-Mmm? Yeah.
-Yeah.

(INHALES) Hmm.

It's just... Darling...

Don't you think
the forbidden fruit

used to taste a little bit
sweeter when Saffy was here?

I don't know, I just think
sometimes you need a little

soupcon of guilt to
- make carte blanche depravity
taste that little bit better.

I don't know. I don't know.

No, you're right, Eddy.

Now, darling,
you should be at work.

You've got bread to win.
You've got meetings
to organise.

You've got to get
back in the loop!

It's got to be hard graft,
darling, : to : , / !

Yeah, but darling, I...

I could do something
with you this morning

and then have my meetings
in the afternoon...

No, it is forbidden.

Yeah, but darling, but that's
only half a day.

And, you know, darling,
this time in my life
ain't going to last forever.

-Is it, darling?
-You're not on flexitime,
Eddy.

We have no mananas.

Yes, we have
no mananas, darling!

But half a day, whole day,
what does it matter? Hmm?

-No, darling, it's wrong!
-I deserve this!

-It's naughty! It is evil!
-It's me time! It's my time!
I want to!

You deserve nothing.

It is forbidden

to have breakfast
at Patisserie Valerie.

-Would that be very naughty?
-It's forbidden.

-It'd be very, very naughty.
-Very naughty.

-All right, let's go!
I wanna go! I wanna go!
-(SCREAMS)

Ooh, darling!

We have to do
something about the tits!

Yeah, we'll do something
about my tits. (LAUGHS)

-Come on, Eddy.
-I had four of these
chicken fillets in!

-Put these in as well,
darling.
-Oh, don't put in any more...

Ooh! There we are.

-That's good.
That's good, isn't it?
-Arse pert, tits pert.

Yeah, darling,
I'm the push-me-pull-you
of pert!

What's that?

Oh, that's a Hummer.
I got it for Jeremy
on approval.

-Yeah, no, cancel.
-No, Bubble.

-Cancel that.
-No, I'm not
coming into the office.

-Cancel my day. Cancel him.
-Cancel her.

Emma Bunton?
Tell her I've got SARS.
How desperate is she?

It was the answer phone.

(SIGHS) Have a little
lovely breakfast in Soho.

(SIGHS)

Can't hear
what you're saying, Eddy.

A little...

A little breakfast in Soho.

BOTH: Ooh!

A sniff round
Agent Provocateur.

Slide down Bond Street,
a little McQueen,
Hermes, Asprey's.

I'll just call Bubble,
shall I, darling?
Just to...

-No, Eddy. No, Eddy.
-Just very quickly, darling.

-Just give her a quick mobile,
quick call!
-No, no, no, no, no!

EDINA: Oh!

(MOBILE RINGS)

Oh, oh!

Oh, that was yours.

Hello?

Oh, I'll come now.

Can you turn around?
I've got to go to the office.

-Oh, no, Eddy. Oh.
-I got to go, darling.

Wait here. Oh!

Would you like a Jelly Baby?

Right, I'm here,
Bubble. I'm here.

Did you get Baby
everything she needs,
darling? Hmm?

Hi, Baby.

Not "Baby". Bye, Baby Bunton.

What? What?
What did she say?

My name is Emma.

And I'm an alcoholic.

That's not funny.
That's not funny.

Sorry, darling Emma.

Erm, did you meet Patsy?
Patsy Stone?

She runs Jeremy's.

Yeah, I'm a stylist.

Yeah, she does everyone,
Minnie Driver.

Stylist?

Oh, I'm too rich
and famous to ask
for free clothes myself.

Will you do it?

Will you be my stylist?

Well, excuse me, but
I thought we were supposed
to be having a meeting.

Yes, we're having a meeting.

Your two dumb
and dumbers are waiting
for you downstairs.

-What?
-Downstairs.

Clip-clop!

-Eddy, I won't be long.
-Come on, out.

Since when has your office
been in your house?

Oh, darling, no one has
a proper office any more.

You know, my work is me.
It's called cocooning.

Everything is me.
I am my own desk,
I am my own filing cabinet.

Everything is stored in me.

In your cheeks,
by the look of it.

I'm multitasking by myself.
Parts of me are taking
a memo as we speak. (CHUCKLES)

Well, then, could part of you
get on with this?

Yeah, yeah. Of course,
darling. Darling, of course.
(SNAPPING FINGERS)

-Ben... Bunton...
-Emma.

Emma. Emma. Emma darling.
Yes, of course, darling.

Lots of new stuff
come in for you.
Bubble, read the list.

Do you want to press
the Lotto button?

-Ooh!
-No!

"Celebrity Millionaire?"

-Yes.
-No.

"Celebrity Weakest Link?"

-Yes.
-No.

-"Celebrity Fat Farm?"
-Oh! Oh!

"Celebrity Rehab,
Celebrity Junk Search,

"Celebrity Wannabe,
Celebrity Celebisity,

"Celebrity Celebisity,
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

-"Celebrity Or Die
With Donna Air?"
-No, darling.

-No, no, no! Nothing
with "Celebrity" in it.
-(EDINA SIGHS)

Well, you're limiting
yourself, frankly.
Let's have a look.

But, erm, no,
here's a good one.

Do you want to go
into Chicago?

I did six months in Chicago.

Did you... Did you?

The show, darling.
Not the Windy City.

-Yes, I know,
and you never came.
-Oh!

Oh, here's a good one.
"Do you want to go on holiday

"in a camper van
with Tamzin Outhwaite?"

Oh, no, that's just an offer.
That's not a programme.
Hang on.

Hell, I hope you haven't burnt
your Spice millions.

You know, I think, darling,
off the top of my head,

you need to get
some more music going.

You need to get
a single out there,
you know?

I have got a single out.

Have you?

(HESITANTLY)
Yeah, we knew that.

Well, sing it, then.

(MOUTHING)

# Babe

# Babe

Start! Start!

(VOICE QUAVERING)
# Baby #

Come on.
Sing anything
I've ever done.

I can't. I can't.
Anyway, that's stupid.

Look, darling, the trouble
with you is you're not...

You're not kind of
giving me anything,
you know?

If you want something
from the tabs, you gotta
give 'em something back.

You're just kind of flatlining
in nice and sweet, aren't you?

And they want a
little bit of a heartbeat.

They don't want to know
your mum's your best friend,
do they?

They want her
to be some one-armed,
lesbian asylum seeker.

They want the full
cellulite sh*ts.

They want
a -in-the-bed perv orgy
with your Spice mates.

They want you mainlining,
arm-jacking, smack, cr*ck,
nightmare, darling.

They want you... They
want you filleted and splayed
on the butcher's block

so they can photograph all
your organs for Heat magazine.

Very frankly, for once
I would like to see you

foaming at the mouth,
stinking of piss
in the gutter!

With this.

With this little thumb
stuck up
Justin Timberlake's arse

and you wearing nothing
but a Gucci belt!

(MOUTHING)

No?

Okay.

Well, I think all we've
got left is mingin'
or blingin' with Geri.

So...

Listen, hold on a minute.
You were supposed to be
getting me something new,

-something interesting,
something different.
-Yes, yes. Yes.

She's put you in
for the Eurovision
Song Contest.

No, I haven't! I haven't!
I haven't! I haven't!
I haven't!

And she's written the song!

I haven't! I haven't!
No, darling! No, I haven't!
I haven't!

EDINA: That's a lie.

-That's a lie.
-(HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL)

I have to think
of something else,
something brilliant.

Hang on. Hang on.
Hang on.

-(EXCLAIMS)
-Mmm!

It's so good just to get away
from the shop
just to get some food.

Oh! So, are you going
to tell her?

-Give Patsy a piece of...
-My mind?

Yes, I'm boiling furious.

-In a...
-Rage.

Mmm.

She... She leaves everything
to us and we're not...

Not up to it!

-Not putting up with it.
-Oh.

And your chocolate idea.

-Oh, right. Yes, well,
I'll run that by her.
-Hmm.

Right. What do you two want
to see me about?

I'm very busy.

Oh, right.

(STUTTERS) Well,
that was you, wasn't it?

No, you're the one in a funk.
(CHUCKLES)

You were going
to have it out with her.

Well...

Oh! You were going to tell her
that she wasn't pulling
her weight. (CHUCKLES)

And if things didn't improve,
you were going
to talk to Jeremy.

Talk to Jeremy?

I was having a very
bad...period.

Brutus!

Oh! Tell her about
your chocolate idea.

-Oh! Right, well...
-PATSY: No!

...just near where
we sell the sunglasses...

One whiff of a cocoa bean

and our customers would fly
like vampires before garlic!

Jeremy's must remain
a sterile oasis,

free from street-eaters
and coffee carriers!

Aseptic!

And razor sharp
as our customers' hip bones!

These women shop for lunch!

Labels are their
only sustenance.

Their skeleton legs
in their Manolo Blahniks

have worn trenches
down the pavements
of Sloane Street!

I understand.

The uber-rich sinews
with just enough muscle
left in their arm

to lift up a credit card.

Keep it clean, no chocolate!

Genius.

Have I made myself
perfectly clear?

-As ice.
-Transparent.

And if you...

ever try anything
like this again...

(GROWLS) I will k*ll you!

All right, I've got it,
I've got it, I've got it!

All right. Here we go.
Here we go. Here we go.

A documentary.
(CLICKING TONGUE)
Good one.

On or with Queen Noor.

-Not her again!
-Oh, oh, oh!

She tries to fob her
off to everyone.
That's why Lulu left.

No, no, no, no, no.

Who's Queen Nor?

No, Nor. It's not "Nor".
Queen Noor. Oh!

All right. Think again.

Have you had
a really bad tit job?

No, it's just
these little things
that Patsy puts in.

So I can see how big
I want them if I do
want a tit job.

They're pretty good,
aren't they? Love these
babies, get some looks,

-I can tell you. (LAUGHS)
-I bet they do.

-Yeah.
-Especially, with
your streaky fake tan.

I think it's pathetic.

You've got
no self-control,
no willpower.

She's like a smoking beagle
to Patsy's vivisectionist!

Shut up!

I mean, look at this place!

-It's... It's... It's sad!
-What?

It's a pad!

I've seen downstairs.
It's squalid and revolting.

It's like two winos
have been squatting here.

(GASPS) Oh!
When's Saffy back?

I know, why would you care?

We went to school together
and she was a brilliant
head girl.

And I hate the fact
that she might have
to come back to this.

Oh, come on.
Lighten up there,
little junior prefect.

On the pages of the days.

What?

She comes.

What is she saying?

She says she knows
when Saffy's coming home.

What? (STAMMERS)
Ask her when.

When?

On the paper days,
the paper days.

-What?
-It's on the calendar.

Oh. She's channelling you,
she's channelling you.

Why haven't you changed
the date?

It happens anyway.

Sun comes up,
sun goes down.

Oh, God.

Saffy's coming home today.

(GASPS)

Oh! (SCREAMS)

Hoover! Hoover!
(PANTING)

Hoover!

You have to turn it on,
not just make the noise!

-(MOUTHS) I know.
-Stupid girl.

Come on, guys.
We haven't got long.

I don't understand
where it goes.

It doesn't say where it goes.

You spray and wipe.

(MUMBLES)

And you. You're not
doing anything.
Put that in the drawer.

It's funny how you can
lose things and not know
where they've gone.

We got some pens.
We got Sellotape.
We got some old pins.

Yeah, I'm gonna try out
all these pens

and see which ones work
and which ones don't

and then I can throw away the
bad ones ones and we'll do it.

You got quite a lot of money
in here.

We got lots of money in
here, Eddy. We got dimes.
We got francs.

You know what, darling?
Just chuck 'em in the bin.

No, Eddy, Eddy, this is money.

You can't throw it away.
We need a little container
to put it in.

Got a little something
from a cornflake packet.

Oh, is it a footballer?

No, it's Ian McKellen.

Oh, don't throw him away,
darling! I like him.

I was going to collect
the whole set,
but I went off Honey Pops.

-Got lots of dead matches.
-Well, chuck 'em, chuck 'em.

No, no, no, darling,
'cause the striker's
still good.

Well, take the striker off.
Take it off.

(BOTH TALKING AT ONCE)

Eddy, I tell you
what we need here.

-We need a little piece
of furniture, darling.
-Oh!

We need... With little slots
down the side.

You can put everything in
neatly down there.

And then lots and
lots of little drawers

so you can put things
in the little drawers...

-Darling, darling, darling,
darling, darling.
-Yeah?

We're gonna have to
go shopping.

-Oh, yeah.
-We'll have to go shopping

because we need some magazines
so we can find
someone to do this for us.

-To put there. Good. So, we
can get some ones with the...
-Yeah, yeah.

What are you two doing?

We can't go on until we've got
a new piece of furniture
designed for here,

so we're just gonna...

-I found the poppet!
(CLANKING)
-EDINA: Oh!

That's my poppet.

(ALL SHOUTING)

Shut up!

It's just the flick,
it isn't working.

Will everybody just
get this place sorted?

I seem to be the only one
doing anything around here!

And just for once,
do you think, just for once,

you could do something
and get it done?

(SNOOTILY) Mmm.

Ooh, yeah, little change
of image now, isn't it? Huh?

Little flip-flop there.

From "girl power"
to "buckle under",
isn't it?

Yeah, you lot!
You and your
little generation.

You think you're so cool
and so badass, don't you? Hmm?

Well, you and your little
Ms Dy-Na-Mi-Tee-Hees,

you know what
you are, darling?
Do you know what you are?

New puritans!
That's what you are. God!

In my day,
people actually
said something

about real rebels
screaming something, darling.
Weren't there?

I mean, you're looking
at someone here
who actually b*rned her bra.

While it was still on.

Not you, no. Now it's all,
"Do this, do that, be good,
be safe, don't be naughty."

From "zigazigah" to
house-proud hausfrau,
look at ya.

If you think I'm gonna take
that kind of sh*t

off a sweaty overeater,

the colour
of an old man's scrotum,

then you have got
another thing coming.

Are we keeping old corks?

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

It'll be her.
Little Saff's home.
Little Saff's home.

Here she is.
Stay back. Sit, you sit...
Get down.

Sit. Here she is!

Who is it, that stranger?

Is it Odysseus
returned from the sea?

It's Saffy, dear.

Recognised only by his old
dying dog and us.

Give your gran a kiss.

-Ah!
-Hello, Gran. How are you?

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

-How are you?
-Oh, really well.

(GASPS) Mum!

I know it's all changed,
isn't it, darling?
Do you like it?

Everything we need
is here now.

We don't have to use
the stairs uppy-downy.

Yeah, but wait
till you see upstairs.

-Yeah, well, sit down.
-What's happened upstairs?

Nothing's happened upstairs.

Come on! Have you got photos?
Tell us all about it, darling.

Were you a shield?

No, I was
a humanitarian aid worker.

Oh, she was a humanitarian.

Eddy, I'm going.

All right, darling.
I'll see you later.

Nice to see some
of the old fixtures
and fittings are still here.

Patsy darling,
she's rusted in,
isn't she?

Have a look in that drawer
and try to keep it that way!

Well, don't everybody go,
come on.

There's a lap pool
in her bedroom

and S*ddam Hussein's feet
in her office

which is now upstairs.
I'll see you later.

-Yes, I think I'll be
going, too, dear.
-Oh!

Let you get some rest.

-I can tell
something's brewing.
-No. What?

-I'll see you tomorrow, Saffy.
-(SIGHS)

-Oh, goodness, gracious me!
-Oh, stop it.

Oh! Hello, darling.

Oh, look at you, sweetheart,
you look so well.

Got a little tan, haven't we?

(GASPS) Ooh, a mark.

Look at that, darling.
Mmm, cheeky! (CHUCKLES)

(INHALES) I love your
brown hands as well,
sweetheart.

Oh. Darling,
almost to the elbow.
That's a record, isn't it?

Nice to have you
home, darling.

I'm gonna get you a drink,
sweetheart.

Here we go.

(SIGHS) Did you get
my videophone messages?

-Yes, one of you drunk,
naked in the shower...
-Yeah.

One of your nostrils
and a couple of the darkest
recesses of your inner ear.

Oh. Listen, sweetheart.
Here we go.

Pop, cheers, clink.

-About the pool...
-I don't care about it.

No, no, but since your little
friend brought it up, darling,
about the pool...

It's not a huge pool.

It's more like
a little Jacuzzi, darling.

Because I can't use that one
at the spa any more.

I mean, so many people
have been in it.

It's become just
a sort of smoothie
of old excretions.

-Mum, there's something
I wanted to talk to you about.
-I know you disapprove.

-I don't.
-You always do. I mean,

honestly you come back
with this attitude,
don't you?

You haven't even noticed,
darling, I've cleaned.

Look, I have cleaned
this place.

I have touched
and rubbed polish here, you
haven't even noticed that.

-Did you?
-I'm just really tired.

You're tired?

We're all tired, darling,
aren't we?

I mean, I'm tired.

We're all tired,
aren't we, darling?

And since I haven't got
that attitude.

I'll just put them here.

Oh, yeah, looking at me.
Looking at me in that way.

You always look at me, darling
'cause you disapprove.

You're looking at me,
looking at what I'm wearing.

"Ooh, look,
there's big, fat Mother."

-I am not thinking that, Mum!
-Yeah, you are.

Actually, can I say, darling?

You may be looking quite well,
but not so thin yourself.

Do I detect a slight
thickening, sweetheart?

You know what that is,
don't you?
Cruel genetic fate.

You are turning into me!

The sausage shape
that comes to us all,
sweetheart, is you now.

This is self-induced
indignation.

No, 'cause you are now

fat, fat, fat, fat,
fat, fat, fat, fat!

That word that has haunted me
my whole life

can now be a specter to you!

Oh, yeah, I'm not the only
bloater around here
any more, am I, darling? Ooh!

I mean, I know
I might eat and drink
a little bit too much,

but what's your excuse,
eh, lard-arse?

How did you get so fat
on AIDS rations?

I am not fat!

I'm pregnant!

Pregnant?

Yes.

Darling.

(SIGHS) What do you think?

Darling, I should think
you should tell people as soon
as you see them.

You don't want them
thinking you're fat!