02x03 - Doacters

[bunniefuu]

- Nice and warm in here, innit?
- Oh, aye, it's lovely, aye. Roasting.

Mind you, Jack, we're not the only
old 'uns in here getting our heat.

(Both laugh)

Victor.

- Do you think this will do us?
- Aye. I would say so, aye.

I have an all clear on my side.

Hold on.

Hang fire.

- All clear on my side.
- After three, then.

One, two...

Three.

- What's this?
- Salmon.

Pink?

(Tuts) Red, thank you.

Oooh.

Here, Jack.

How many years have we been
coming here and eating our lunch?

Must be ten years. Aye.

Never been caught either.
That's got to be some sort of record, eh?

(Laughs)

(Gasps)

(Woman) Ow!

(Jack) Oh.

- I've k*lled her.
- It's all right. It's tomato soup.

- Oh, is that what it was?
- Aye.

Come on.

(Laughs)

Oh, that was smashing.

That was a right good read, that.

So, what have you got to go,
or pages?

It's funny that, in't it?

Eh?

You got that book at the library
the same day I got mine out.

Ryan, put that down! It's dirty.

There's me finished my book and
you're still plodding along wi' yours.

Ryan. Come and get a sandwich, son.

Here we go.

There we are.

There we go now.

You've got a fat belly, you've got
a fat belly, you've got a fat belly.

Eat your sandwich, son.

Ah, you see,
I was a good reader at the school.

They would put me up in front of
the class and I would read Mark Twain,

- and Burns and Shakespeare.
- You've got a fat belly...

I was well renowned for it.
The best reader in the school.

Ryan's a smashing reader too,
aren't you, son?

Aye.

Bob The Builder books and Postman Pat.

- You've got a fat belly...
- I read three books a week just now.

Very well read.
Are you much of a reader yourself?

- No' today I'm no'.
- What's that, then?

Ooh. The Prague Heist, eh?

That's about a heist in Prague.

Have you got to the bit where they break
open the safety security box

and it's just full of broken glass?

No, I'm at the bit
where they're outside the bank

about to see the safety deposit box
and what's inside it.

You'll no' know that McQuaid's
away with the sparklers.

- No.
- Aye. Away to meet Maria Gambretti.

- No.
- It's no' Maria, it's Lucia Bernadetti.

- No.
- Interpol, polis.

- No.
- That's him caught.

Jailed, done, the end, end of story.

Yeah, it's a smashing yarn.

- You've got a fat belly...
- Thanks for that, Tam...

- You've got a fat belly...
- I've an underactive thyroid, you prick!

(Cries)

Feeble. We're getting feeble.

That's the word for it.

First the body goes, then the mind.

Imagine not being able to catch
a rolling flask, for God's sake.

Ach, dinnae b*at yourself up, Jack,
it's no' your fault.

I'm the daftie
that's shoved it off the shelf.

I mean, take yesterday, for instance, lads.

minutes it took me to open
a can of bloody peas.

I couldnae do it.
I've ended up making a tiny, wee hole

and getting 'em oot pea by pea.

Wait till you see this.

It does spring back.

But I've timed it. full minutes for that.
Put your finger in there.

Indeed I will not put my finger
in your bloody leg.

Aye, Eric, we've got food coming.
Play the game, son.

Nae blood down there, nae muscle tone.

Wasting away.

- Aye. Waiting on the final whistle.
- Aye.

I love coming in here. It's a rare laugh.

- Oh. Here we are. There you go, guys.
- Thanks for that, Bobby.

Lovely.

See, when I take my cock oot
when I'm having a pish,

I do my pish, then I'm finished,
but I'm careful.

I gi' my cock a right good shake,

shake, shake, shake, shake,
to be sure.

Then I gi' it a wee squeeze
to get the rest of it out,

a last wee shake for safety
till I know I'm good and finished.

Put the old cock back in the troosers,
zip up, then boof!

A good mugful of pish anyway.

All on my troosers.
Like the map of China.

Old age?

It's a bastard.

Aye. It is a bastard, right enough.

(Car pulls up)

Here, Jack.

Is that no' Stewart Anderson
getting out of that motor?

A motor? No, won't be Stewart,
he couldnae drive it.

- I'm telling you, it is. He's coming in.
- Pish!

I'm telling you, Jack, it is him.

No, no.

He does look like him, I'll gi' you that,
but Stewart's out of his box.

- He has been for a long time.
- Jesus!

Somebody get a doctor,
this place is dead.

- What can I get you?
- You must be the undertaker.

- Pale lager?
- No, you balloon. A fresh orange juice.

Make it cold.

- Stewart.
- Oh, hello. Who's shoutin' me?

Oh. Jack.

- Victor.
- How you doing?

Aye. Stewart.

- I must say, you're looking, er...
- Great.

- Aye. Because you were looking...
- Shite.

- Aye. What's up with you?
- Nothing, Jack boy. I am on top form.

You certainly look it.

What's the story?

Why has there gottae be a story?
There's nae story, nothing to tell.

These.

What are they?

Phenopropalene.

- Eh?
- No' even on the market yet.

I'm trying them for Dr Wilson
at the health centre.

It's a trial.
It's a Yankee drug for depression.

I tell you, within six months
the whole world's gonnae be into them.

Aye. Except for me and him.
Ain't that right, Jack?

Eh. Aye. Oh, aye, aye.

No, no. Cutting about feeling smashing,
that would be rubbish.

You must be worried, Stewart, you know,
pumping yoursel' up full of dr*gs.

Oh, I'm worried sick. I'm that worried
I've bought mysel' a new car,

and I've asked Kathy Tate oot
to that dance down at the centre.

Worried sick, so I am.

Nah.

No, it's no' for us.
Grow old gracefully, that's the way of it.

(Toilet flushes)

Oh, Jesus.

- Health centre, you say?
- Aye, Dr Wilson. Pheno... What was it?

(Jack and Victor) Hurdy-gurdy-gurdy,
in the window boxes

See this doctor at the health centre,

he won't hand out these tablets
willy-nilly, you know.

No, we're gonnae have to make out
we're depressed to go in this trial.

Lay it on a bit thick, you know.

Oh.

Jeezo.

I don't know if I could swing that, Jack.

Right.

Gi' us a look at it.

- What?
- Your depressed face.

Oh, right. (Clears throat)

(Laughs)

- What the hell are you laughing at?
- You.

That's no' depressed, that's constipated.
All you'll get for that is laxatives.

Shut up.

I'd like to see you doing any better.

Right, off you go. Do your face.

No. Because I'll not be doing any face.

I'll just be sitting there in front of him
saying nothing.

That's not depression.
That's just moody.

That's different, Jack. There's nae such
illness as moody bastarditis.

Gonnae have to gi' it a bit of thought,
then, eh?

Right, I'll go the doctor, and you go you.

And you're conning me into giving you
these tablets.

- Right. OK.
- Away you go to the door.

- (Sighs) Do I have to?
- Aye.

Right.

Chair over there. There we go.

Come in.

Morning, doctor.

Hold all calls please, Agnes.
I have a patient to deal with.

Oh. That's a lovely picture of you with
a big trout. Where did you catch that?

No, no, no. That's hallucinations.
It's depression you're supposed to have.

Away you go. You were talking into
an imaginary intercom a second ago.

Please do not raise your tone in here,
Mr McDade.

This is my bloody house!

Right. We'll start again.

Off you go to the door.

No.

Right. OK.
What seems to be the problem?

I don't know,
I was hoping you could tell me.

Oh. Good tactics,
keeping the cards close to the chest.

What are your symptoms?

I cannae be arsed with anything
or anybody.

You're clearly depressed.
Here, enjoy these tablets.

Lovely.

- Right. Now me.
- Right. Oot you go.

Come in.

- Good morning, doctor.
- Hold all calls, Linda.

Linda?

I had to let Agnes go.
She was an arsehole.

I liked that woman. She was in here
for years. She was due for retirement.

Too bad, I call the sh*ts.

- Now, what's the matter with you?
- I'm depressed.

How is this depression
manifesting itself?

I cannot be arsed with anything
or anybody.

It sounds like you're depressed,

- but I'm afraid I cannae help you.
- How?

I just gi'ed the last of my tablets away
to a lovely fella called Victor McDade.

- Oh.
- That's nice to see.

- Somebody actually borrowing a book.
- How's that?

They think I don't know, in here clotting
out the cold. Do you enjoy reading?

Oh, yes, I erm...
I'm very rarely without a book, you know.

They used to make me
stand up in the class

and read out Burns and Mark Twain
and Shakespeare, big, long passages,

I was renowned for it.
Best reader in the school.

That's admirable.
It's rare to meet a well-read gentleman.

Generally men your age
are just into the pub and bookies.

Vulgar.

Do you, er... enjoy the works of Dumas?

No' really, no. I love Emily Brontë.
Do you know her work?

No.

"As I rode up and then his fingers
sheltered themselves

"with a jealous resolution
still further in his waistcoat

"as I announced my name.

"'Mr Heathcliff? ' I said..."

"A nod was the answer."

That's where the old cooperage
used to be, eh?

Oh, aye.

(Giggles) Used to stink.

- Look at all they new houses there.
- Aye.

You see, they should have
just done the old houses up.

Aye. Barely recognise it now.

Is that not where they sisters stayed?
The ones we asked out, remember?

Oh, Christ. Aye.

That must be about years ago.

They werenae sisters at all, were they?

No.

Mother and daughter, sure.

I cannae remember...
which one of us got the mother again?

You know fine well
who got the bloody mother.

That was great, all that, weren't it?
Pubs, dancing.

I'm having second thoughts
about these tablets.

How?

Well, Stewart, he was bad,
he really needed them.

- And?
- We don't really, do we?

No, we don't.

Be a gas, but, wouldn't it?

Aye. But listen, Jack, all things
considered, we're no' bad, we get about.

- Aye. Slowly.
- We've still got wor marbles.

Aye. How long for?

- How long do you think we've got left?
- I don't know. year.

Face it, man. Five.

Maybe ten.

This is on a downward slope now.

It's not a gradual decline.

It's a cliff. The man up the stairs
is shoving us off it.

- What age do you feel in there?
- . .

Aye. That's the bastard
Eric's on about, in't it?

Young man trapped in
an old man's body.

Listen, if you don't wannae take
these tablets, I'll no' take them as well.

Let's dump the whole idea.

Be good, though, wouldn't it, eh?

A couple of days feeling magic.

- Get the old feeling back.
- Aye.

Aye, it would, Jack. Aye.

- Stretchmarks.
- Eh?

That's what gi'ed it away. Stretchmarks.

- Oh, aye. (Laughs)
- Apart from that, you couldnae tell at all.

- Morning, Navid.
- Winston.

Steak pie. Fray Bentos.

Classy.

Yes, indeedy. And you'll notice it's the
bigger version, not the wee pie for one.

- Dinner for two?
- Shrewd deduction, Navid.

- Let's hope so.
- Morning.

Ach.

Oh. Frosty. What's the score here?

- You two not talking?
- No, not at all.

He's just a bit raw cos a certain librarian
prefers Brontë to the Beano.

I was about to ask out the lassie
in the library when this rat muscled in.

Ah. Love w*r, huh?

Two friends vying for the attentions
of the book lady.

Ah, 'tis the stuff of novels.
How fitting that the setting is a library.

Aye. Very fitting indeed.

And you are going to woo her with a pie
and a tin of tatties?

- Is that a fact?
- As a matter of fact,

I was gonnae ask her over to mine
for her tea.

She'll be pleased with that,
her being a vegetarian.

What?

I was informed of that last night
when I walked her home.

Ya bastard!

- Packet of tic tacs please, Navid.
- Mints?

Oh, Winston. Accept defeat.

He's freshening the breath
in preparation for a snog.

Remember, don't stick your tongue
in her mouth, she doesn't eat meat.

(Laughs)

- We'll put the Fray Bentos back.
- Aye.

(Sighs)

Well?

- (Both laugh)
- Happy days, here we come.

(Both groan)

- Oh, Navid. How's business?
- Ah, Jack, Victor, lovely to see you.

You can help me
with consumer research.

- Oh, it's no' sweeties, is it?
- Aye.

Oh. What are they?

Got them from the cash and carry
this morning. They're no' out yet. Go on.

Good. The weans will go a bundle
on them. What can I get you?

Two ounce of Drum.

- Is my Trout And Salmon magazine in?
- Tomorrow.

Hello there, fellas. Hey.

- Hey, Stewart.
- One carton of OJ, please, Navid.

Did you get down the health centre?

- We're packing. We start the morrow.
- The morrow?

Never put off till tomorrow what
you can do today. Right you are, boys.

If I don't see you through the week,
I'll see you through the windae, eh?

Have you any wee bottles of water?
I might bust into they happy pills now.

No, no. Look, Jack.
It's the back of four now.

That means you have to wait till the back
of four tomorrow to take your pill.

Take it in the morning.
It's much cleaner that way.

- All right. The morrow. OK.
- Start what tomorrow?

Course of Yankee tablets.
For depression.

- Phenopropalene?
- That's right.

They put that in the paper.
Sweeping America.

We start tomorrow.
That's what Stewart's on.

Meena, maybe that's what I need, huh?

Meena, every morning I wake in my bed,

I lie and I think, "Will I get up and open
the shop, or will I cut my wrists?"

- Thanks, Navid.
- A word of warning to you.

This drug is untested
in the British market. Be careful.

Ah, the Yanks
will take pills with anything.

I have a cousin in Philadelphia, PA.

He was a baldy bastard,
he was on pills to grow his hair back.

- Did they work?
- Oh, aye.

Fantastic mane of lustrous,
jet black healthy hair, soft to the touch.

But his cock shrivelled
to the size of a cashew nut. Useless.

- Let me know how you get on.
- Aye, aye. We will.

- You.
- Hello, Winston.

What you doing
with that big stupid paper?

- How do you mean?
- You don't read that paper.

You say the print's too wee.
A lot of snobby shite about politics.

- You read this paper.
- A wee change, you know.

Your arse. That's for show, that.

Aha.

Frances.
You remember Frances, Winston?

- I do, yes. Hello, Frances.
- Nice to see you, Winston.

- There you are, Tam.
- Oh.

w*r and Peace?
You'll never get through that.

I'll get through that in a week.
Thank you very much, Frances.

This place is a bit... earthy.

It is a wee bit rustic.
Maybe we should have went elsewhere.

It never used to be like this.

- I havenae been in here since...
- Yesterday.

- Sorry?
- Nothing.

Could you move your tabloid, please?

Now, this should interest you, Frances.

- A theatre review. The Cherry Orchard.
- Ah!

Oh. Do you get to the theatre often,
Winston?

Oh, yes. Yes.

What was the last thing you went to see?

- The Bombardier's Wife.
- Who wrote that?

- Arthur Symington.
- Arthur Symington.

What else did he write?

Erm...

The Kensitas... Club.

Oh, did he no' write the Benson Hedge
an' all?

Arthur Symington?
I don't think I've heard of him.

No, he d*ed of cancer.

Oh. There's a table there.
Come on over there, Frances.

Excuse us, Winston.

Oh, here. You forgot your...

(Victor) Here, did you see that...
(Jack) Aye.

- Chris, how are you this fine morning?
- Fine.

Anything for Jack Jarvis esquire
this morning?

- No.
- No matter, Chris.

Cos all I get is junk mail anyway, and
I have to put it in the bin. More garbage.

Less junk mail, less garbage, less trips
to the chute, happy days, ha, ha, ha!

- Eh?
- Fine. Whatever.

(Running footsteps)

(Yawns) Jack, what time is it?

Half nine.
Have you no' taken your tablet yet?

Yes, indeedy. I took it at :
this morning and I feel fabulous!

Come in, come in, come in.

- Cup of tea?
- Oh, aye.

I took mine at half six this morning,
washed all the windaes,

organised my magazines
and sorted all my tins alphabetically.

Beans, Carnation milk,
rhubarb, spam, Yoyos.

- Ooh. Bubblicious?
- Flavour?

- Watermelon.
- Don't mind if I do.

- What do we do now?
- Watch TV.

- Oh, smashing. Fire on?
- Three bars, I'm no' caring.

(Man)... timber frame, th-century...

- That's that arsehole we don't like.
- He's an eejit.

- He's good, in't he?
- He's brilliant. Turn it up.

- (Knock at door)
- Oh.

- I'll get that.
- I'll get it.

- Sit down.
- I'll come wi' you.

(Both) Isa!

Eh. Hello, Jack, Victor.

I was just wondering, you want me
to run a mop over this landing?

Not at all. We'll get that, won't we, Jack?

That's for sure. Why don't you come in?

That's a great idea, Jack. Come in.

Oh, yeah. Right, you are.

- Gi' us the goss.
- Eh?

Aye. What's happening?
Give us the latest.

Noreen Kelly sliced the top off her finger
at the baker's. Had to go to casualty.

They had to throw three trays of pies oot
in case it turned up inside one.

- Do you mind Chewy Feelton?
- Aye, aye.

He was laid off frae Templeton's Carpets,
never worked again.

Well, he get five numbers up
on the lottery and only won pound.

Oh, he's for k*lling hisself.

What else?

Old Stewart Anderson.
He was at death's door.

Well, he's on some wonder drug
frae America.

Got them down the health centre.
You wantae see him now.

Oh, he's like a teenager, he's all perky.

Eh, well, er...

I'd better be going, eh?

- So soon, so soon?
- Aye, aye.

There must be more you can tell us.
Break-ins. Who's pregnant?

- Who's shagging who?
- Something, at least!

Piles, anybody got piles? Don't go!

- pound. That's not a bad lottery win.
- Aye. Good amount of money.

- Nice wee win. Nice bit of luck. Lucky.
- Lucky. Lucky.

- Lucky. Lucky.
- Lucky. Lucky.

Winston. Winston,
hold on there a minute.

Oh, good. I was just coming to see you.

- You left that in the pub.
- Aye, good, good.

Winston, last night in the pub,

I never meant to make you look like
a halfwit in front of Frances.

- Did you no'?
- No, really. I didnae.

Well, you know I havenae been on a date
for years, you know.

I've taken a shine to Frances, you see.

I knew you liked her an' all.

Well, I panicked, didn't I?

Started showing off, running off
at the mouth like a bloody smartarse.

I made you feel small. Well,
I'm sorry, Winston. We're old pals, eh?

Aye.

Och. Nay danger, Tam. Forget about it.

My book.

Er, aye.

- Is that no' due back? I'll take it for you.
- And steal my bird? You monkey.

(Slow waltz)

This is utter pish.

I'm bored. Hold on.

- Where are you going?
- Back in a sec.

(Beautiful Sunday)

- Turn, old mate?
- Aye, aye.

Eh. Come on.

- Jesus. Look at Jack and Victor.
- Sunday morning, up with the lark

I think I'll take a walk in the park

Hey, hey, hey, it's a beautiful day

That looks rare, Winston.

- Are you getting up?
- No.

Well, I am.

Hi, hi, hi, beautiful Sunday

This is my, my, my

Oh, the Slosh. I love the Slosh.
Watch my bag, Tam.

When you said, said, said

Said that you loved me

Oh, my, my, my

- Winston.
- Tam.

- You no' a Slosh man?
- No.

I'm more of a Dashing White Sergeant.

... hi, beautiful Sunday

Oh, eh.

- I'm up.
- Who's going?

Come back! Isa!
Come on. What's the matter with you?

- Keep it alight.
- God. See.

Oh, what a night, Jack boy.

Oh, aye, yeah.
Won't forget that in a hurry.

Did you see the look on Tam's face
when I was bowling that Frances about?

- Aye, aye. He was fizzing.
- Is that you, Jack, Victor?

- Is that you, Stewart?
- Aye. Good night, eh?

Whoa. Aye, aye. They tablets
you put us onto are smashing,

but they make you piss like a racehorse.

I've not found that.
Are you still on the soft drinks?

(Both) No.

- What are you drinking, then?
- Lager.

How many?

(Both) Five.

- You're no' meant to do that!
- What?

Drink on top of they tablets.

How?

Side effects.

(Both gasp)

(Screams)

(Scream echoing)