01x03 - Our Figures Are Slipping

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Ground floor,
perfumery, stationery

and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,

kitchenware and food, going up.

First floor, telephones,
gents ready-made suits,

shirts, socks, ties, hats,
underwear and shoes, going up.

- Good morning, Captain Peacock.

- 8:58.

- As departmental head
of ladies' ready-mades

I hardly think it necessary for me

to clock in like a char.

- I'm not asking you to do anything

that I have not done
myself, Mrs. Slocombe.

Captain Peacock, 8:31.

And what has happened to Miss Brahms?

- She isn't late, she's
powdering her nose.

- She ought to sign in first.

- It was very urgent that
she powdered it when she did.

And I gave her permission so to do.

- Morning, Daphne.
- Morning.

- Morning, Captain Peacock.

8:59 and 10...

10 seconds, yes.

I would've been here at 8:58 but I caught

my handbag in the lift.

- Well, it's Miss Brahms' actually.

She left it on the stairs.

She must have been in rather a hurry.

Besides, I wouldn't be seen
dead with imitation crocodile.

Not with these shoes, anyway.

Morning, Mr. Grainger.

- Good morning, Mr. Humphries.

- My word, we have got nice
rosy cheeks this morning.

- Yes, I walked through the park in order

to give my toast crust to the ducks.

My wife doesn't like me to leave them,

but these new teeth of mine
were a little too much for them.

You know, even the ducks have
to wait until they go soggy.

- They'll probably be all right

when you've run them in a bit.

- That was a near thing.

- Not quite near enough, Mr. Lucas.

It is one minute past nine.

- That is not the point, Mr. Lucas.

You're expected here at nine
o'clock, not one minute after.

- Ah well, Captain, I was here.

I was outside at five minutes to nine,

but just as I was coming
in a man was crossing

the road and he got knocked down.

A tall, m*llitary-looking man he was.

Oh deary me, I thought,
it's Captain Peacock.

He was early like me and
he's got knocked down

crossing the road.

My heart was in my mouth, sir.

I thought to myself, not Captain Peacock,

not struck down at the
height of his career.

"Stand back!" I said.

"I'll give my blood for Captain Peacock!"

Anyway, by the time I fought
me way through the crowd,

found out it wasn't you,
but some dirty old tramp

and then got back here
it was one minute after.

Oh, just a minute, sir.

- A small insect has crept
out of your carnation

and crouched on your collar.

- Deal with it, Lucas.

- Certainly, sir.

There you are, it's dead.

Was there anything else, sir?

- Yes.

Get me a 15 1/2 collar from stock

and then present yourself
to Mr. Rumbold's office

at 9:15 with your sales book.

- Yes sir, certainly, sir.

- Sorry I'm late, Captain Peacock.

- That's all right, Miss Brahms.

- She has been powdering her nose.

- To your counter, Mr. Lucas.

- Sir.

- Take your coat.

- He said I've got to report to Rumbold

at 9:15 with my sales book.

What does that mean?

- Well, in the terms of
the Almighty's grand plan

for the universe, very little.

But as far as you're concerned,

it probably means you'll
be at the Labor Exchange

at half-past nine.

- I was struggling with this
for 10 minutes yesterday,

and in front of a customer, too!

- Mine's just as bad.

It's this damp weather,
it's always the same.

I better give it a bit of encouragement.

Well, they
should be, Mr. Rumbold,

it's nearly five past nine.

- All righty, I'll go and have a word.

Is Captain Peacock there?

- He's just arrived, sir, he's
just putting his collar on.

- We expect you to get
dressed before you arrive

at Grace Brothers, Captain Peacock.

I do not expect to find you
unattired at five past nine.

- I can explain, sir.

- I don't want to hear any excuses,

I want to have a word with all

the members of your department.

- Of course, sir, of course.

Mr. Grainger, would you step this way,

please, if you're free?

- Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.

- Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas.

- Free, Captain Peacock.

Oh, very free, Captain Peacock.

- Step this way.

Mrs. Slocombe, Miss
Brahms, one moment, please.

- Oh, Miss Brahms.

Before we go any further, Mr. Rumbold,

Miss Brahms and I would like to complain

about the state of our drawers.

They're a positive disgrace.

- Our drawers, they're sticking.

It's always the same

in damp weather.

- Miss Brahms could hardly
shift hers at all just now.

- They sent up a man
who put beeswax on them

but that made them worse.

- I'm not surprised.

- I think they need sandpapering.

- Well, you see, I puff
French chalk on mine

and they're as smooth as silk.

- Well, perhaps you could
puff some French chalk

over Mrs. Slocombe's.

- Would that solve your
problem, Mrs. Slocombe?

- They ought to be changed.

I've had them ever since I've been here.

- Perhaps we can look into it

some other time, Mrs. Slocombe.

Mr. Rumbold has matters of a much more

pressing nature to discuss.

- They're very pressing
as far as I'm concerned.

Perhaps Mr. Rumbold
would like to have a go

and see how far he gets.

- I think we should
consider the matter closed

for the moment, Mrs. Slocombe.

Now, I
have been deeply distressed

to learn of the slump in our
sales over the past four weeks,

which I'm sure you've all observed, hm?

- Yes, I have observed it.

Haven't you, Mr. Grainger?

- Oh, a very definite slump, I would say.

Had you observed it, Mr. Humphries?

- Oh, I've observed it, Mr. Grainger.

You observed it, too, didn't you,

Mr. Lucas?
- Oh yes, definitely.

I had observed it, Mr.
Humphries, yes, oh yes.

- If you remember rightly I mentioned it

to you last Tuesday.

- Yes, and I mentioned it
to you Captain Peacock.

- That's right.

That's what caused me to
discuss it with you, sir.

- I think that's what first
alerted me to the crisis

in the first place.

Now, the thing is, I don't want to put

too fine a point upon it, why?

- Ah.

Have you any theories to
advance, Mr. Grainger?

After all, you've been

with us longer than most.

- Well, from a very considerable
experience in the trade,

I would say that these things come and go.

- That's very true, of course.

- And very profound.

- As departmental head
of the ladies' section,

I think I should've been asked next.

- Of course, Mrs. Slocombe, I'm sorry.

Have you any suggestions?

- No.

- Thank you.

- But I do like to be asked.

- Well, I think it's the
weather, don't you, Mr. Lucas?

- Yes, yes, that's it,
definitely, definitely.

Yes, it's definitely, oh,
it's the weather, yes.

That, plus the fact that
we've had no customers.

- Well, the points that you've all raised

are very valid, but I think
the time has come for action.

- Here, here.

- Thank you.

I therefore think it
would pay us to examine

our whole customer handling technique

and to that end I shall
be holding a course

in salesmanship, a class in salesmanship,

this evening after the store closes.

- It's very short notice.

There's my p*ssy to consider.

- I beg your pardon.

- If it's not convenient, I
shall of course understand,

but I would remind you all
that unless sales improve

we shall have to cut down on our staff.

- Oh, it's convenient.

- I suppose it'll be all right.

- Tiddles will have to cross his legs.

- I presume you will
not be needing me, sir.

I have two tickets for
the Tidworth Tattoo.

- Your attendance would be
valuable, Captain Peacock.

- It's ta-ta to the Tattoo.

- Yes, well, I think
that's all for the moment.

Oh, Mr. Lucas, perhaps you
would come to my office now.

I want to go over your
personal sales record

for the past month.

Oh, and bring your book with you, hm?

- Yes, sir.

- I don't know what
you want your book for.

I would've thought you'd
remember your sales,

all three of them.

- Oh, charming.

Hey-ho, hey-ho, it's out of work we go.

- Honestly, it's the limit.

They don't pass into
your private life at all.

- No, but I might've had.

- I suppose I ought to phone Mrs. Grainger

and tell her to keep the
pie warm in the oven.

- Yes, tell her to turn the
Regulo down to a quarter.

If she hardens that crust it'll
play havoc with your gums.

- Right, positions everybody,

the meeting's over.

Come on, ladies, come on, please.

- Come in, Mr. Lucas.

Oh.

- I believe you wanted to have
a little chat with me, sir.

- Shut the door, please.

Now, Lucas, I have here
your personal sales graph.

I presume you know what this means?

- I'm afraid so.

I presume you understand it?

- Well, if I was a doctor the patient

would be dead.

- There is no cause for levity.

- It's nerves, sir.

- Understandable.

Nonetheless, this is a
very poor performance.

I always think that there is a reason

for a poor performance.

Now, a happy salesman is a good salesman.

And you don't look happy, Mr. Lucas.

I think if you could
smile more it would help.

- Well, I'm sorry if I haven't

been smiling enough, Mr. Rumbold.

- There must be a reason.

Are you, and I don't wish to pry,

but are you, are you unhappy at home?

- Ah, yes.

That could very well be it, yes.

- And now we're getting somewhere.

Sit down and tell me about it.

- Thank you, yes.

It's my environment, you see, sir.

You see, I've only got this
one shabby little room.

- Yes, yes, a very poor part
of Highgate, though, mind.

And ever since we took in that Asian

to help make ends meet, well...

The strain has been too
much for my crippled mother

and she's had to give up
her job at the skating rink.

Taking the tickets.

- I had no idea.

- Yes.

Well...

What with that and the fact that

the cat's got asthma and has been

coughing all night.

Well, with all that and
also the fact that I

have to, we have to cook on
a broken old gas ring, well,

there are days when somehow life seems

to have lost its magic.

And particularly since we've had

an eviction order this morning.

But as you suggest, Mr.
Rumbold, I will do my best

and try and smile a bit more.

- This really is a most terrible story.

- I feel it should be
entered into your record.

- Ah, yes.

- Now, let me see, you
live in Cripplegate.

- Highgate.

- Highgate, Highgate.

And your mother is an Asian.

- No, no, we took in an Asian.

- Your mother has a cough.

- No, no, the cat's got the cough.

- And you're supporting this
Asian on a broken gas ring.

- Yes, well, if the elastic goes again,

we'll return them to the manufacturer's.

Good morning, madame.

- Mrs. Slocombe, I hope
your cat won't suffer unduly

from its enforced confinement.

- Oh, it's not confined, it's shut up.

Well, let's hope
that you won't be too late.

- And too bad about your
Tattoo, Captain Peacock.

- I always thought tattoos were things

you did on men's chests
with needles and blue ink.

- Not only on men's chests, Miss Brahms.

- Oh, Captain Peacock,
what will you say next?

Well, as a
matter of fact, it reminds me

of a bit of doggerel I
picked up in the mess.

- Oh yes.

- On the chest of a barmaid from sail,

was tattooed all the prices of ale.

Whilst on her behind

for the sake of the blind

was precisely the same but in Braille.

- I do hope your husband
likes the sweater, madame.

And the washing instructions
are very simple.

Use lukewarm water, no soap, no detergent,

and don't put it in the washing machine.

And don't dry it in the sun
or in front of an open fire.

Oh, and madame, if I were you,
half revs on the spin dryer.

You're back quick, I
was just going to start

a collection for your leaving present.

- I talked me self out of it.

I'm stayin' on.

About your grandfather in the iron lung

and how you can't afford
a shilling for the meter?

- No, I gave him the crippled mother

with the Asian and the asthmatic cat.

- You used a lot of material, there.

What did he say?

- He said I should try
and smile a bit more.

- Take that silly grin
off your face, Mr. Lucas.

It's very bad for trade.

- Take no notice of him, he's jealous.

If he tried it they'd drop on the floor.

- No talking, Lucas, there's a customer.

We'd better have a two-minute silence.

- Don't be facetious, Mr. Lucas.

Your future with this
firm is still very much

in the balance, you know.

Mr. Grainger, are you free?

- Oh yes, yes I'm free, Captain Peacock.

Yours.

- Sharp!

- No, and I'd like to see the assistant

who served me last Tuesday.

- Oh yes, that will be our
Mr. Humphries, I think.

Mr. Humphries, are you free?

- Yes, I'm free, Mr. Grainger.

Morning, sir, can I help you?

- No, it wasn't you I wanted.

He was younger and good looking.

- Oh.

It had to happen eventually.

- Well, then it must be our Mr. Lucas.

Are you free, Mr. Lucas?

- Oh, as free as air, Mr. Grainger.

- Yes, that's the one I want.

- There's no accounting for taste.

- Well, I'll leave you with our Mr. Lucas.

- Yes, I remember you, sir.

You're the gentleman I sold the Glen Check

with the two vests to last Tuesday.

- That's right, and you said if I decided

I didn't like it, I could bring it back

and you'd refund my money.

- Yes, and I don't like it.

- Well, ya did like it.

- Well, it's my wife that doesn't like it.

- Yeah, well, Glen Checks
take a bit of getting used to.

- I don't want to get used to it,

I just want my money back.

- If I may interrupt for a moment, sir,

we are of course willing
to accept the return

of your garment, but it is
not our policy to refund.

We can however give you a
credit note for that amount.

- But he said if I didn't like it

I could have my money back.

I might have done.

- Well, in a sudden rush of enthusiasm

I might have given that impression.

- Mr. Lucas, did you or did you not

say that the customer
could have his money back?

I must have an answer.

- Well, in the light of Mr.
Lucas's confession, sir,

we have no alternative
but to return your money.

Lucas, the till.

- Oh, things to be improving
for you, Mr. Lucas.

How much am I to ring up?

- Ring down 20 pounds and 50 pence.

- What a load of old codswallop this is.

- No.

- How 'bout comin' out to
the pictures with me, then?

- Well, there's Bambi at Studio 2

and then 'round the corner
there's The Unsatisfied Virgin.

I've seen Bambi.

- Forget that because by
the time Rumbold's finished

rabbiting on, the virgin
will have been satisfied

and they'll all have gone home.

- I'll tell you what, you pretend to faint

and I'll carry you out.

- I can't faint without an excuse.

- We'll tell 'em you're having a baby.

- What a pity your ear
holes aren't a bit bigger.

- 'Cause then you could shove a toothbrush

in them and clean out
that filthy mind of yours.

- Look out, here comes Rumbold.

- Oh, just coming, Mr. Rumbold.

I was putting my evening face on.

- And it's even lovelier than

the morning one, Mrs. Slocombe.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Lucas.

- All right now, I've
delegated Mr. Humphries

to get some refreshments
from the canteen, sir.

Hot cocoa and buns.

- Hot cocoa, Miss Brahms.

Did you hear that?

Hot cocoa and buns.

It makes the whole thing worthwhile.

- Of course there'll
be a collection for it.

- Oh, I think the management will allow

that out of the petty cash.

- Oh, that's most generous, Mr. Rumbold.

Yes, Grace Brothers certainly know how

to look after their workers.

- Oh well, we do our best.

A satisfied team is an efficient team.

- And a satisfied virgin
is a virgin no longer.

- Dinner is served.

Where shall I put it?

- I guess we can

serve it on the table.

- Right, now then.

Oh, where's Mr. Grainger?

- He was here a short time ago, sir,

taking stock of his shirts.

See if you can find him,
Mr. Lucas, will you?

- Oh yes, certainly, Captain Peacock.

He's probably putting his
evening set of teeth in.

Mr. Grainger, Mr. Grainger.

Mr...

I've got some bad news.

I think Mr. Grainger's d*ed at his post.

Unless I'm terribly mistaken,

he's gone down with his shirts.

- Don't be witty, Mr. Lucas.

After this morning's incident
your continued employment

with Grace Brothers is a
matter for grave doubt.

- Poor old soul, he's
been on his feet all day.

He probably goes to sleep
about this time on the train.

- Mr. Grainger.
- Mr. Grainger.

- Mr. Grainger.

- Miss Brahms.

- Mr. Grainger.

- Baldy.

- One hesitates to lay
hands on him, but still--

- Oh no, I wouldn't if I were
you, Mr. Rumbold, no, no.

I mean, just think of it.

Sudden shock, heart
att*ck, kicks the bucket.

News of the World, "Aged Worker
Dies at Hands of Overseer."

That wouldn't look good for Grace Brothers

now would it?

- Okay, Captain Peacock,
I think I know what to do.

Are
you free, Mr. Grainger?

- Yes, I'm free.

Oh, good afternoon, sir.

- Good afternoon, Mr. Grainger.

I think we're ready for you now.

- Oh, I'm ready, sir, yes.

- Now, if you'll all take your places.

- Thank you, Captain.

- Now then.

The first question we have to decide on is

do we take our cocoa and buns now

or do we wait until we've
been going for an hour or two?

Mrs. Slocombe, do you feel
like having cocoa and buns now?

- I never feel like having cocoa and buns.

If I'd known the firm
was going to be so stingy

I'd have gone out and
had a Wimpy cheeseburger.

- I believe there's
some cheese in the buns.

- I don't like cheese.

- There's not very much
cheese in the buns.

- I feel I should mention
that young Mr. Grace

may be coming through
during our conference,

so perhaps it would be as well to eat now

and get the, uh, get the, um, uh--

- Get the banquet over and done with, yes.

- I second that.

And let's not bother about seniority,

let's just dive in, eh?

- Good idea.

- Would you like to be
mother, Mrs. Slocombe?

- Well, seeing as I'm not having any

I don't see why I should
be lumbered pourin' it out.

- Perhaps you'll do the
honors, Captain Peacock.

- Certainly.

This is very hard.

- I'll see if I can find you
a softer one, wait a minute.

Those that you haven't squeezed around

he's had his chops around!

It puts me off.

- Aren't you going to
have one, Mr. Rumbold?

- No, I don't think I want one, thank you.

- Anyone else for a
half

- No thank you.

Hardly used, one careful owner.

- Yes, but I'll have some just the same.

- Oh, that army training certainly came

in useful, Captain Peacock.

- Now, shall we get down
to the purpose for which

we are come together?

- I was wondering when we were
going to get 'round to that.

I think it would pay us

to examine our whole modus
operandi, as it were.

Vis a vis the handling of customers

from the moment they arrive to the moment

when we make the sale.

- Or not.

- I sometimes regard
our whole organization

as a ship at sea.

Peacock here is at the helm,
keeping his eyes skimmed.

I am in the engine room making sure

we're all going full-steam
ahead, and you men are the crew.

- Oh, you're the crew, too.

Now, what happens when the lift doors open

and out steps a customer?

- We all man the lifeboats.

- Lucas.

- Now, I will tell you what happens.

Captain Peacock spots him and steers him

over to the counter.

- Ah, I see, yes I see, sir, yes.

The customer has now become the ship.

And all the counters are docks.

And when he gets to one of our counters

we tie him up with our tape measurer

and hang on to him until
he's been unloaded.

- That's not quite what I meant.

- Perhaps if I could put
it, not more succinctly,

but in a way that would
be more easily grasped

by those unable to understand your simile.

I look upon it as a battle.

The customer is the enemy.

We deploy our forces, lift doors open,

customer steps out, and what happens?

- We open up the machine g*ns
and bang, bang he's dead.

- If we're going on like
this, I'm going home.

- Bear with me, bear with me.

Now, I engage the customer
in a little verbal skirmish.

He is then outflanked by
the ever alert Mr. Grainger.

Humphries.

- Yes, I'm free.

- Thank you.

Now, the trouble appears to be

that some of the customers
are getting away.

Now, where is the weak link in the chain?

- I think you may have something
there, Captain Peacock.

Perhaps there is a weak link in the chain.

Perhaps we really should examine our

whole customer handling technique
from the very beginning.

Now, I will be a customer.

I shall arrive at the
lift and I want you all

to take it right through from the moment

when Captain Peacock spots me,

to the moment when we make the sale.

- Good idea, sir.

- Now, I want you all to observe

very carefully what happens.

We may possibly learn
something from this, hm?

- Now, deploy yourselves
in your usual positions

and keep your eyes open.

As Mr. Rumbold says, we may
all learn something from this.

We are ready, Mr. Rumbold.

He's stuck.

Get him out, Mr. Humphries.

- Well, we've certainly
learned something, Miss Brahms.

We've learned that Mr.
Rumbold doesn't know

how to open the lift.

- I'm sorry, I pushed the floor button

and then the lift moved so
I pushed the emergency stop

and then, of course, the
doors wouldn't open.

- Oh, there's somebody coming
down in the other lift.

- That'll be young Mr. Grace.

- Young Mr. Grace is coming by.

Good evening everybody.

Good evening, Mr. Grace.

- I hear you've been
having a sales conference.

- That's right, Mr. Grace.

- And it's been going very well, sir.

- I was a salesman once, you know.

I had a stall in the markets.

We sold fish.

Smelly stuff.

- You were very wise to
have a department store

instead, Mr. Grace.

- Been having a good
tuck

- Oh yes, thank you, Mr.
Grace, it was delicious.

- Good, well, I'm glad
we're looking after you.

Well, you've all done
very well and it's time

you all went home.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Grace.

- You're a cheeky young
monkey, aren't you?

- One of our most
promising young men, sir.

- Yes, well, sir.

It's a good fit.

Nice material.

- Yeah, it's vicuna, sir.

- Yes, I always wear vicuna.

Well, I'll take it.

Have it put on my account.

A very forceful sale.

- Personally trained by me, sir.

- Yes, we could do with more of that sort.

- Yes indeed, sir.

- Well, don't be late in the morning.

No, Mr. Grace.

- You've all done very well.

Thank you, Mr. Grace.

- He seems in a very good mood.

- Yes, I've seldom seen
him in such a good mood.

- That was a very smart
bit of selling, Mr. Lucas.

You see, the smile does the trick.

- Oh, it does indeed, Mr. Rumbold, yes.

- You obviously know your stock very well.

Even I was unaware that
we had a vicuna coat.

- We haven't.

Mr. Lucas sold Mr. Grace his own coat.

- Mr. Lucas sold Mr.
Grace Mr. Lucas's coat?

- No, Mr. Lucas sold Mr.
Grace Mr. Grace's coat.

- I see.

Well, I think we've all learned

a great deal this evening.

- Here, do you still fancy
The Unsatisfied Virgin?

- Well, I'm game if you're game.

- Oh, all right then, come on.

- I must practice that smile myself.

Ground floor,
perfumery, stationery

and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,

kitchenware and food, going up.

First floor, telephones,
gents ready-made suits,

shirts, socks, ties, hats,
underwear and shoes, going up.

Second floor, carpets,
travel goods and bedding,

material, soft furnishing,
restaurant, and teas,

going down.