How's the golfing out there?
How's the golfing out there?
Good.
How's the golfing out there?
Good.
Oh, the wind -- how was it?
Good.
Oh, the wind -- how was it?
How's the wind?
Oh, the wind -- how was it?
How's the wind?
Oh, good, good.
How's the wind?
Oh, good, good.
Are you gonna play today?
Oh, good, good.
Are you gonna play today?
Oh, god, no -- hate the game.
Are you gonna play today?
Oh, god, no -- hate the game.
Hate the people that play it
Oh, god, no -- hate the game.
Hate the people that play it
even more.
Hate the people that play it
even more.
Then why'd you ask me?
Even more.
Then why'd you ask me?
Oh, I'm just not good at
Then why'd you ask me?
Oh, I'm just not good at
small talk, you prick.
Oh, I'm just not good at
small talk, you prick.
[ Shadowy men on a shadowy
Small talk, you prick.
[ Shadowy men on a shadowy
planet's "having an average
[ Shadowy men on a shadowy
planet's "having an average
weekend" plays ]
What?
What?
Where am i?
What?
Where am i?
Oh.
Where am i?
Oh.
I'm home.
Oh.
I'm home.
Surprise!
I'm home.
Surprise!
Huh?
Surprise!
Huh?
I'm back.
Huh?
I'm back.
Oh, hi, honey.
I'm back.
Oh, hi, honey.
I took an earlier flight.
Oh, hi, honey.
I took an earlier flight.
I couldn't stay away from you
I took an earlier flight.
I couldn't stay away from you
any longer.
I couldn't stay away from you
any longer.
Ah, that's great. Mmm.
Any longer.
Ah, that's great. Mmm.
Mmm.
Ah, that's great. Mmm.
Mmm.
Oh. You've been drinking.
Mmm.
Oh. You've been drinking.
Yeah, to be honest, honey, I
Oh. You've been drinking.
Yeah, to be honest, honey, I
got really drunk...with the
Yeah, to be honest, honey, I
got really drunk...with the
guys.
Got really drunk...with the
guys.
You know, all guys.
Guys.
You know, all guys.
You know me, baby.
You know, all guys.
You know me, baby.
I'm a -- I'm a guy's guy.
You know me, baby.
I'm a -- I'm a guy's guy.
Oh, honey, I don't care if
I'm a -- I'm a guy's guy.
Oh, honey, I don't care if
you go out with the guys.
Oh, honey, I don't care if
you go out with the guys.
Oh, that's so sweet.
You go out with the guys.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Your baby's back.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Your baby's back.
My baby's back.
Your baby's back.
My baby's back.
She's back to stay. She's --
My baby's back.
She's back to stay. She's --
oh, it's so --
She's back to stay. She's --
oh, it's so --
[ moans and smooches ]
Oh, it's so --
[ moans and smooches ]
hey, what are these?
[ Moans and smooches ]
hey, what are these?
They're...earrings.
Hey, what are these?
They're...earrings.
Tsk.
They're...earrings.
Tsk.
And why are there earrings by
Tsk.
And why are there earrings by
our bed?
And why are there earrings by
our bed?
They're mine.
Our bed?
They're mine.
What?
They're mine.
What?
[ Sighs ] come on, honey,
What?
[ Sighs ] come on, honey,
it's...the 's.
[ Sighs ] come on, honey,
it's...the 's.
Men wear earrings.
It's...the 's.
Men wear earrings.
But you don't have pierced
Men wear earrings.
But you don't have pierced
ears.
But you don't have pierced
ears.
[ Chuckling ] of course I do.
Ears.
[ Chuckling ] of course I do.
[ Squishes ]
[ Chuckling ] of course I do.
[ Squishes ]
[ squishes ]
[ Squishes ]
[ squishes ]
how do they look?
[ Sighing ] oh, yeah.
I think we overdid it a bit
I think we overdid it a bit
last night.
I think we overdid it a bit
last night.
Yeah, I think so.
Last night.
Yeah, I think so.
Never again.
Yeah, I think so.
Never again.
Never -- never again.
Never again.
Never -- never again.
Oh, my god.
Never -- never again.
Oh, my god.
Oh, and I'm on the birth-control
Oh, my god.
Oh, and I'm on the birth-control
pill now, too.
Oh, and I'm on the birth-control
pill now, too.
[ Groans ]
Pill now, too.
[ Groans ]
what a night!
[ Groans ]
what a night!
[ Laughs ]
What a night!
[ Laughs ]
hey, you guys look pretty funny.
[ Laughs ]
hey, you guys look pretty funny.
Stop it.
Hey, you guys look pretty funny.
Stop it.
Hey, you were with us last
Stop it.
Hey, you were with us last
night, harris.
Hey, you were with us last
night, harris.
Oh, yeah.
Night, harris.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Where did you go?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Where did you go?
The washroom.
Yeah. Where did you go?
The washroom.
[ Sighs nervously ]
The washroom.
[ Sighs nervously ]
what are you wearing two
[ Sighs nervously ]
what are you wearing two
ties for?
What are you wearing two
ties for?
Yeah.
Ties for?
Yeah.
Uh...
Yeah.
Uh...
Hey, guys.
Uh...
Hey, guys.
Everybody's wearing two ties
Hey, guys.
Everybody's wearing two ties
nowadays.
Everybody's wearing two ties
nowadays.
It's the 's. You know?
Nowadays.
It's the 's. You know?
Oh, yeah.
It's the 's. You know?
Oh, yeah.
That's all right.
Oh, yeah.
That's all right.
Get with it, eh?
Isn't this great?
Isn't this great?
I mean, a week's worth of
Isn't this great?
I mean, a week's worth of
banking all at once?
I mean, a week's worth of
banking all at once?
[ Horns honking in distance ]
Banking all at once?
[ Horns honking in distance ]
now all I have to do is find
[ Horns honking in distance ]
now all I have to do is find
that bank card.
Now all I have to do is find
that bank card.
[ All groan ]
That bank card.
[ All groan ]
look, that vein is throbbing
[ All groan ]
look, that vein is throbbing
in your forehead again.
Look, that vein is throbbing
in your forehead again.
Would you just relax?
In your forehead again.
Would you just relax?
[ Sighs ] it's my fault.
Would you just relax?
[ Sighs ] it's my fault.
I'm a line loser.
[ Sighs ] it's my fault.
I'm a line loser.
I always get in the slow line,
I'm a line loser.
I always get in the slow line,
and if I change lines, then
I always get in the slow line,
and if I change lines, then
that line becomes the slow
And if I change lines, then
that line becomes the slow
line.
That line becomes the slow
line.
No, it's not you.
Line.
No, it's not you.
It's the law of lines.
No, it's not you.
It's the law of lines.
What?
It's the law of lines.
What?
The law of lines.
What?
The law of lines.
You see, waiting, like matter,
The law of lines.
You see, waiting, like matter,
can neither be created nor
You see, waiting, like matter,
can neither be created nor
destroyed.
Can neither be created nor
destroyed.
Hey! Look.
Destroyed.
Hey! Look.
Stamps from belgium.
Hey! Look.
Stamps from belgium.
And a peppermint.
Stamps from belgium.
And a peppermint.
[ Chuckling ] lucky me.
And a peppermint.
[ Chuckling ] lucky me.
[ Groaning ] ohh.
[ Chuckling ] lucky me.
[ Groaning ] ohh.
Would you relax?
[ Groaning ] ohh.
Would you relax?
Oink, oink.
Would you relax?
Oink, oink.
Hey, everybody, look!
Oink, oink.
Hey, everybody, look!
It's the flying pig!
Hey, everybody, look!
It's the flying pig!
Oink, oink.
It's the flying pig!
Oink, oink.
Hello, everybody!
Oink, oink.
Hello, everybody!
Whe-e-e-e-e-e-e!
Hello, everybody!
Whe-e-e-e-e-e-e!
Hello, flying pig!
Whe-e-e-e-e-e-e!
Hello, flying pig!
Who?!
Hello, flying pig!
Who?!
The flying pig.
Who?!
The flying pig.
He entertains people at bank
The flying pig.
He entertains people at bank
machines and other of life's
He entertains people at bank
machines and other of life's
many lineups.
Machines and other of life's
many lineups.
Wow. What a lineup.
Many lineups.
Wow. What a lineup.
But don't worry about it.
Wow. What a lineup.
But don't worry about it.
Look at me.
But don't worry about it.
Look at me.
Hey, hey, hey.
Look at me.
Hey, hey, hey.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, hey, hey.
[ Laughter ]
hee, hee, hee.
[ Laughter ]
hee, hee, hee.
Wow.
Hee, hee, hee.
Wow.
I see the line is thinning out a
Wow.
I see the line is thinning out a
bit.
I see the line is thinning out a
bit.
I guess my work is done here.
Bit.
I guess my work is done here.
Bye!
I guess my work is done here.
Bye!
Bye, flying pig!
Bye!
Bye, flying pig!
Bye, flying pig!
[ British accent ] yes.
[ British accent ] yes.
Hmm?
[ British accent ] yes.
Hmm?
We've got through, have we?
Hmm?
We've got through, have we?
[ Clicking ]
We've got through, have we?
[ Clicking ]
we've established contact, have
[ Clicking ]
we've established contact, have
we?
We've established contact, have
we?
Good, brandon.
We?
Good, brandon.
Oh, we're on.
Good, brandon.
Oh, we're on.
Oh.
Oh, we're on.
Oh.
Hello.
Oh.
Hello.
Hello, canada.
Hello.
Hello, canada.
God bless us all.
Hello, canada.
God bless us all.
Explanation, please!
God bless us all.
Explanation, please!
The least you could have done
Explanation, please!
The least you could have done
was give us a call, a ring, a
The least you could have done
was give us a call, a ring, a
dingle.
Was give us a call, a ring, a
dingle.
Oh, no.
Dingle.
Oh, no.
Your faithful monarch has to
Oh, no.
Your faithful monarch has to
read about it in a filthy
Your faithful monarch has to
read about it in a filthy
tabloid like a commoner!
Read about it in a filthy
tabloid like a commoner!
It's humiliating!
Tabloid like a commoner!
It's humiliating!
Now, canada, I want you never to
It's humiliating!
Now, canada, I want you never to
forget that without me, you are
Now, canada, I want you never to
forget that without me, you are
nothing.
Forget that without me, you are
nothing.
Yes, it's true.
Nothing.
Yes, it's true.
I am the only thing that holds
Yes, it's true.
I am the only thing that holds
you together.
I am the only thing that holds
you together.
[ Haltingly ] vous etes encore
You together.
[ Haltingly ] vous etes encore
ensemble...gras a nous.
[ Haltingly ] vous etes encore
ensemble...gras a nous.
[ Normal voice ] see? French.
Ensemble...gras a nous.
[ Normal voice ] see? French.
Unifying.
[ Normal voice ] see? French.
Unifying.
And without me and the french,
Unifying.
And without me and the french,
you are just americans.
And without me and the french,
you are just americans.
And, yes, it's true.
You are just americans.
And, yes, it's true.
And the americans -- they only
And, yes, it's true.
And the americans -- they only
want you for one thing -- your
And the americans -- they only
want you for one thing -- your
body.
Want you for one thing -- your
body.
They don't love you like I love
Body.
They don't love you like I love
you.
They don't love you like I love
you.
I love you!
You.
I love you!
There -- I've said it.
I love you!
There -- I've said it.
I love you.
There -- I've said it.
I love you.
I know, I've never said it
I love you.
I know, I've never said it
before, but that's because, you
I know, I've never said it
before, but that's because, you
know, I'm english.
Before, but that's because, you
know, I'm english.
I have a hard time with my
Know, I'm english.
I have a hard time with my
emotions.
I have a hard time with my
emotions.
You must know what I'm saying.
Emotions.
You must know what I'm saying.
But there it is.
You must know what I'm saying.
But there it is.
I...love...you.
But there it is.
I...love...you.
I love your -- your -- your
I...love...you.
I love your -- your -- your
peameal bacon.
I love your -- your -- your
peameal bacon.
I love your -- your pea soup,
Peameal bacon.
I love your -- your pea soup,
your real maple syrup, your
I love your -- your pea soup,
your real maple syrup, your
mounties, your ukrainian
Your real maple syrup, your
mounties, your ukrainian
dancers, your fiddlers, your
Mounties, your ukrainian
dancers, your fiddlers, your
fiddleheads.
Dancers, your fiddlers, your
fiddleheads.
I love your moose and your
Fiddleheads.
I love your moose and your
trappers and your
I love your moose and your
trappers and your
coureur de bois.
Trappers and your
coureur de bois.
I love those funny little
Coureur de bois.
I love those funny little
woodland creatures, your hockey
I love those funny little
woodland creatures, your hockey
players -- like wayne gretzky!
Woodland creatures, your hockey
players -- like wayne gretzky!
[ Chuckles ]
Players -- like wayne gretzky!
[ Chuckles ]
wayne gretzky takes
[ Chuckles ]
wayne gretzky takes
pierre trudeau into the boards.
Wayne gretzky takes
pierre trudeau into the boards.
Trudeau's down. Good!
Pierre trudeau into the boards.
Trudeau's down. Good!
And the maple syrup bears are
Trudeau's down. Good!
And the maple syrup bears are
riding down the beautiful
And the maple syrup bears are
riding down the beautiful
st. Lawrence river on a boat
Riding down the beautiful
st. Lawrence river on a boat
and I --
St. Lawrence river on a boat
and I --
[ british accent ] mumsie.
And I --
[ british accent ] mumsie.
Oh, please, I --
[ British accent ] mumsie.
Oh, please, I --
mumsie.
Oh, please, I --
mumsie.
I -- oh.
Mumsie.
I -- oh.
Mumsie.
I -- oh.
Mumsie.
Oh.
Mumsie.
Oh.
Mumsie!
Oh.
Mumsie!
Yes! What is it, edward?
Mumsie!
Yes! What is it, edward?
Did you like my joke?
Yes! What is it, edward?
Did you like my joke?
Joke? What -- what joke?
Did you like my joke?
Joke? What -- what joke?
Mumsie, my pretend newspaper
Joke? What -- what joke?
Mumsie, my pretend newspaper
that I made up at the theater.
Mumsie, my pretend newspaper
that I made up at the theater.
Look.
That I made up at the theater.
Look.
It says, "canada abandons the
Look.
It says, "canada abandons the
monarchy."
It says, "canada abandons the
monarchy."
[ Laughs nasally ]
Monarchy."
[ Laughs nasally ]
[ laughs ]
[ Laughs nasally ]
[ laughs ]
edward, my youngest and most
[ Laughs ]
edward, my youngest and most
precious, I'm on the telly with
Edward, my youngest and most
precious, I'm on the telly with
canada now.
Precious, I'm on the telly with
canada now.
Oh, dear.
Canada now.
Oh, dear.
Joke goes poof.
Oh, dear.
Joke goes poof.
[ Chuckles nervously ]
Joke goes poof.
[ Chuckles nervously ]
well...
[ Chuckles nervously ]
well...
Yes, what a kettle of fish!
Well...
Yes, what a kettle of fish!
Well, we're off.
Yes, what a kettle of fish!
Well, we're off.
This never happened.
Well, we're off.
This never happened.
Back to your hockey matches and
This never happened.
Back to your hockey matches and
raging rivers.
Back to your hockey matches and
raging rivers.
Edward, you humiliated me in
Raging rivers.
Edward, you humiliated me in
front of an entire nation!
Edward, you humiliated me in
front of an entire nation!
Edward! Edward where are you?
Front of an entire nation!
Edward! Edward where are you?
Over here, mumsie.
Edward! Edward where are you?
Over here, mumsie.
Look! I caught a fish!
Over here, mumsie.
Look! I caught a fish!
Put that back!
Look! I caught a fish!
Put that back!
That's my river!
Put that back!
That's my river!
Oh, mumsie!
I know I'm going to win the
I know I'm going to win the
lottery.
I know I'm going to win the
lottery.
I just have to try harder.
Lottery.
I just have to try harder.
Sure.
I just have to try harder.
Sure.
I just have to want it more
Sure.
I just have to want it more
than anyone else, huh?
I just have to want it more
than anyone else, huh?
[ Groans ] quite a lineup.
Than anyone else, huh?
[ Groans ] quite a lineup.
Huh.
[ Groans ] quite a lineup.
Huh.
Yeah.
Huh.
Yeah.
Oink, oink!
Yeah.
Oink, oink!
Oink, oink!
Oink, oink!
Oink, oink!
Hey, it's the flying pig!
Oink, oink!
Hey, it's the flying pig!
Hey, everybody!
Hey, it's the flying pig!
Hey, everybody!
Whe-e-e-e-e-e!
Hey, everybody!
Whe-e-e-e-e-e!
Hello, flying pig!
Whe-e-e-e-e-e!
Hello, flying pig!
Whe-e-e-e-e!
Hello, flying pig!
Whe-e-e-e-e!
It's the flying pig!
Whe-e-e-e-e!
It's the flying pig!
He entertains people at bank
It's the flying pig!
He entertains people at bank
machines and other of life's
He entertains people at bank
machines and other of life's
many lineups.
Machines and other of life's
many lineups.
Ah.
Many lineups.
Ah.
What a lineup.
Ah.
What a lineup.
But look at me.
What a lineup.
But look at me.
[ Laughter ]
But look at me.
[ Laughter ]
hey, hey, hey!
[ Laughter ]
hey, hey, hey!
Hee, hee, hee.
Hey, hey, hey!
Hee, hee, hee.
[ Laughter continues ]
Hee, hee, hee.
[ Laughter continues ]
whe-e-e-e-e!
[ Laughter continues ]
whe-e-e-e-e!
Oh, I see the line is thinning
Whe-e-e-e-e!
Oh, I see the line is thinning
out a bit.
Oh, I see the line is thinning
out a bit.
Well, I guess my work is done
Out a bit.
Well, I guess my work is done
here.
Well, I guess my work is done
here.
Bye!
Here.
Bye!
Bye, flying pig!
Bye!
Bye, flying pig!
Bye, flying pig!
Bye, flying pig!
Bye, flying pig!
And thank you!
And now, to present the award
And now, to present the award
for best actor, please welcome
And now, to present the award
for best actor, please welcome
liam gernzy and chalice!
For best actor, please welcome
liam gernzy and chalice!
[ Whistles ]
Liam gernzy and chalice!
[ Whistles ]
well, liam, you recently
[ Whistles ]
well, liam, you recently
played a police officer in your
Well, liam, you recently
played a police officer in your
movie "the badge."
Played a police officer in your
movie "the badge."
Is that why you look so...
Movie "the badge."
Is that why you look so...
Arresting this evening?
Is that why you look so...
Arresting this evening?
Uh...yeah, you also played a
Arresting this evening?
Uh...yeah, you also played a
policewoman in one of your
Uh...yeah, you also played a
policewoman in one of your
movies.
Policewoman in one of your
movies.
Is that why tonight you're so
Movies.
Is that why tonight you're so
busted?
Is that why tonight you're so
busted?
Perhaps.
Busted?
Perhaps.
But tonight we're not cops.
Perhaps.
But tonight we're not cops.
No.
But tonight we're not cops.
No.
Tonight we're here to present
No.
Tonight we're here to present
the award for best actor.
Tonight we're here to present
the award for best actor.
Yes.
The award for best actor.
Yes.
And the nominees are...
Yes.
And the nominees are...
Tyler winston for his
And the nominees are...
Tyler winston for his
portrayal of a deaf man fighting
Tyler winston for his
portrayal of a deaf man fighting
injustice in "hear the light."
Portrayal of a deaf man fighting
injustice in "hear the light."
So, unless anyone has
Injustice in "hear the light."
So, unless anyone has
anything else to say, I think
So, unless anyone has
anything else to say, I think
that concludes our meeting!
Anything else to say, I think
that concludes our meeting!
Yeah!
That concludes our meeting!
Yeah!
[ Cheering ]
Yeah!
[ Cheering ]
ha ha!
[ Cheering ]
ha ha!
Hey.
Ha ha!
Hey.
Hey, hey!
Wait!
Wait!
I've got something to say.
Wait!
I've got something to say.
Let me through.
I've got something to say.
Let me through.
Let me through.
Let me through.
Let me through.
Let me through.
Let me through.
Let me through.
Let me through.
Let me through.
Let me through.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Let me through.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
I can't believe...
[ Dramatic music plays ]
I can't believe...
What I am lip-reading here
I can't believe...
What I am lip-reading here
today.
What I am lip-reading here
today.
Now, I may not be able to hear
Today.
Now, I may not be able to hear
with these...
Now, I may not be able to hear
with these...
But you people...
With these...
But you people...
You can't hear...
But you people...
You can't hear...
With this!
You can't hear...
With this!
[ Cheers and applause ]
With this!
[ Cheers and applause ]
uh, todd langdon for his
[ Cheers and applause ]
uh, todd langdon for his
portrayal of a handi-capable man
Uh, todd langdon for his
portrayal of a handi-capable man
fighting corruption in
Portrayal of a handi-capable man
fighting corruption in
"rolling tall."
Fighting corruption in
"rolling tall."
Now, I'm not against helping
"Rolling tall."
Now, I'm not against helping
the handicapped.
Now, I'm not against helping
the handicapped.
It's just that I'm tired of
The handicapped.
It's just that I'm tired of
lining up for a restaurant on a
It's just that I'm tired of
lining up for a restaurant on a
slant.
Lining up for a restaurant on a
slant.
Okay.
Slant.
Okay.
So, we take down all the
Okay.
So, we take down all the
wheelchair-accessible ramps and
So, we take down all the
wheelchair-accessible ramps and
replace them with large bumps.
Wheelchair-accessible ramps and
replace them with large bumps.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Replace them with large bumps.
[ Cheers and applause ]
large bumps!
[ Cheers and applause ]
large bumps!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
[ Chanting ] large bumps!
Large bumps!
[ Chanting ] large bumps!
Large bumps!
[ Chanting ] large bumps!
Large bumps!
Thanks, kids.
Large bumps!
Thanks, kids.
Large bumps!
Thanks, kids.
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Bastard!
Large bumps!
Bastard!
Large bumps!
Bastard!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
No!
Large bumps!
No!
Large bumps!
No!
Large bumps!
No!
Large bumps!
No!
Large bumps!
No!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Large bumps!
Think!
Large bumps!
Think!
Large bumps!
Think!
Large bumps!
Large bumps.
Large bumps!
Large bumps.
Large...bumps.
Large bumps.
Large...bumps.
All right.
Large...bumps.
All right.
I want to say something!
All right.
I want to say something!
Large bumps?!
I want to say something!
Large bumps?!
I mean, if you put large bumps
Large bumps?!
I mean, if you put large bumps
on the sidewalks and streets of
I mean, if you put large bumps
on the sidewalks and streets of
this city, you're condemning
On the sidewalks and streets of
this city, you're condemning
every handicapped person in
This city, you're condemning
every handicapped person in
this town, man!
Every handicapped person in
this town, man!
And for what -- so the local
This town, man!
And for what -- so the local
bump manufacturer can make more
And for what -- so the local
bump manufacturer can make more
money?!
Bump manufacturer can make more
money?!
Well, if that's your idea of
Money?!
Well, if that's your idea of
america...then count me out.
Well, if that's your idea of
america...then count me out.
[ Thud, microphone feedback ]
America...then count me out.
[ Thud, microphone feedback ]
I'm not the one that's
[ Thud, microphone feedback ]
I'm not the one that's
handicapped.
I'm not the one that's
handicapped.
You're the ones that are
Handicapped.
You're the ones that are
handicapped...
You're the ones that are
handicapped...
In here!
Tom wax for his portrayal of
Tom wax for his portrayal of
a man with a spike in his head
Tom wax for his portrayal of
a man with a spike in his head
in the movie "spike."
A man with a spike in his head
in the movie "spike."
We'd like to welcome home
In the movie "spike."
We'd like to welcome home
nick, who, as you all know,
We'd like to welcome home
nick, who, as you all know,
has been through quite an
Nick, who, as you all know,
has been through quite an
ordeal.
Has been through quite an
ordeal.
But accidents happen.
Ordeal.
But accidents happen.
Let's be thankful for the things
But accidents happen.
Let's be thankful for the things
we do have -- a nice party and a
Let's be thankful for the things
we do have -- a nice party and a
gift.
We do have -- a nice party and a
gift.
Dad.
Gift.
Dad.
Mom.
Oh. It's a hat.
Oh. It's a hat.
Don't you like it?
Oh. It's a hat.
Don't you like it?
You know I can't wear this.
Don't you like it?
You know I can't wear this.
I've got a spike through my
You know I can't wear this.
I've got a spike through my
head.
I've got a spike through my
head.
No, you don't.
Head.
No, you don't.
Yes.
No, you don't.
Yes.
I've got a spike through my
Yes.
I've got a spike through my
head.
I've got a spike through my
head.
I've accepted it.
Head.
I've accepted it.
Why can't you?
I've accepted it.
Why can't you?
I've got a spike through my
Why can't you?
I've got a spike through my
head, a spike through my head,
I've got a spike through my
head, a spike through my head,
spike through my head, a spike
Head, a spike through my head,
spike through my head, a spike
through my head, a spike through
Spike through my head, a spike
through my head, a spike through
my head!
Through my head, a spike through
my head!
It's hard to look at, isn't it?
My head!
It's hard to look at, isn't it?
Look at it.
It's hard to look at, isn't it?
Look at it.
Read it.
Look at it.
Read it.
It says "pennsylvania steel."
Read it.
It says "pennsylvania steel."
Yes, I know I should be dead.
It says "pennsylvania steel."
Yes, I know I should be dead.
Yes, the doctors say I'm a freak
Yes, I know I should be dead.
Yes, the doctors say I'm a freak
of nature.
Yes, the doctors say I'm a freak
of nature.
But there's one thing I do know,
Of nature.
But there's one thing I do know,
damn it!
But there's one thing I do know,
damn it!
I'm alive...and I love you.
Damn it!
I'm alive...and I love you.
And that's the hardest thing of
I'm alive...and I love you.
And that's the hardest thing of
all to accept, isn't it, connie?
[ Cheers and applause ]
And, uh,
And, uh,
sir lawrence reynolds in
And, uh,
sir lawrence reynolds in
"hamlet" for hamlet.
Sir lawrence reynolds in
"hamlet" for hamlet.
Here hung those lips that I
"Hamlet" for hamlet.
Here hung those lips that I
have kissed I know not how oft.
Here hung those lips that I
have kissed I know not how oft.
[ Cheering ]
Have kissed I know not how oft.
[ Cheering ]
and the winner is...
[ Cheering ]
and the winner is...
Yes.
And the winner is...
Yes.
[ Drumroll ]
Yes.
[ Drumroll ]
[ chuckles ]
[ Drumroll ]
[ chuckles ]
the winner.
[ Chuckles ]
the winner.
Trouble?
The winner.
Trouble?
What a bimbo. [ Chuckles ]
Trouble?
What a bimbo. [ Chuckles ]
[ laughter ]
What a bimbo. [ Chuckles ]
[ laughter ]
[ applause ]
[ Laughter ]
[ applause ]
ah.
[ Applause ]
ah.
Oh, my god, it's a -way tie!
Ah.
Oh, my god, it's a -way tie!
Everybody but the hamlet guy!
Oh, my god, it's a -way tie!
Everybody but the hamlet guy!
[ Screams, laughs ]
Whoo! Ahhh!
Whoo! Ahhh!
What the hell was that?
Whoo! Ahhh!
What the hell was that?
The flying pig.
What the hell was that?
The flying pig.
What?
The flying pig.
What?
He entertains people in
What?
He entertains people in
lineups and whatnot.
He entertains people in
lineups and whatnot.
Really?
Lineups and whatnot.
Really?
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
God, I got to keep my, uh,
Yeah.
God, I got to keep my, uh,
ear to the street a little bit
God, I got to keep my, uh,
ear to the street a little bit
better.
Ear to the street a little bit
better.
I think so, partner.
Better.
I think so, partner.
Yeah.
I think so, partner.
Yeah.
A flying pig.
[ Knock on door ]
[ Knock on door ]
just a second.
Hi.
Hi.
I was wondering if I could use
Hi.
I was wondering if I could use
your phone.
I was wondering if I could use
your phone.
It's a -- it's a bit of an
Your phone.
It's a -- it's a bit of an
emergency.
It's a -- it's a bit of an
emergency.
Um, see, I've been the victim of
Emergency.
Um, see, I've been the victim of
an a* m*rder*r.
Um, see, I've been the victim of
an a* m*rder*r.
Yes, of course, of course.
An a* m*rder*r.
Yes, of course, of course.
Oh, thank you.
Yes, of course, of course.
Oh, thank you.
Is everything all right?
Oh, thank you.
Is everything all right?
Oh, yes.
Is everything all right?
Oh, yes.
I just figured I should probably
Oh, yes.
I just figured I should probably
call the police and let them
I just figured I should probably
call the police and let them
know about this, and, uh...
Call the police and let them
know about this, and, uh...
[ Exhales sharply ]
Know about this, and, uh...
[ Exhales sharply ]
is something wrong?
[ Exhales sharply ]
is something wrong?
Well, yeah, actually, i...
Is something wrong?
Well, yeah, actually, i...
Feel a little bit guilty.
Well, yeah, actually, i...
Feel a little bit guilty.
I'm -- I'm afraid I got you to
Feel a little bit guilty.
I'm -- I'm afraid I got you to
let me in here under sort of
I'm -- I'm afraid I got you to
let me in here under sort of
false pretenses.
Let me in here under sort of
false pretenses.
Oh?
False pretenses.
Oh?
Yeah.
Oh?
Yeah.
You see, I am an a* m*rder*r,
Yeah.
You see, I am an a* m*rder*r,
and I have a favor to ask of
You see, I am an a* m*rder*r,
and I have a favor to ask of
you.
And I have a favor to ask of
you.
Yes?
You.
Yes?
You see, I was next door
Yes?
You see, I was next door
chopping up your neighbors --
You see, I was next door
chopping up your neighbors --
the, um --
Chopping up your neighbors --
the, um --
the dumonds.
The, um --
the dumonds.
The dumonds -- yes.
The dumonds.
The dumonds -- yes.
And, well, I guess I was
The dumonds -- yes.
And, well, I guess I was
chopping them up, and I guess
And, well, I guess I was
chopping them up, and I guess
I pulled back too quickly, and
Chopping them up, and I guess
I pulled back too quickly, and
the head flew off my a*, and it
I pulled back too quickly, and
the head flew off my a*, and it
smashed through the window, and
The head flew off my a*, and it
smashed through the window, and
I don't know why I'm telling you
Smashed through the window, and
I don't know why I'm telling you
all this.
I don't know why I'm telling you
all this.
It's kind of embarrassing.
All this.
It's kind of embarrassing.
But anyway, I went out, and it
It's kind of embarrassing.
But anyway, I went out, and it
was so dark I couldn't see my
But anyway, I went out, and it
was so dark I couldn't see my
hand in front of my face, and I
Was so dark I couldn't see my
hand in front of my face, and I
saw that your lights were on,
Hand in front of my face, and I
saw that your lights were on,
and I thought, hey, why don't I
Saw that your lights were on,
and I thought, hey, why don't I
go over there and borrow your
And I thought, hey, why don't I
go over there and borrow your
a*?
Go over there and borrow your
a*?
So, uh, so could I borrow your
a*?
So, uh, so could I borrow your
a*, please?
So, uh, so could I borrow your
a*, please?
I'm sorry.
a*, please?
I'm sorry.
I don't own an a*.
I'm sorry.
I don't own an a*.
Really?
I don't own an a*.
Really?
You don't -- you don't have an
Really?
You don't -- you don't have an
a*?
You don't -- you don't have an
a*?
No, I'm sorry.
a*?
No, I'm sorry.
Whew.
No, I'm sorry.
Whew.
Oh. Oh, wait a second.
Whew.
Oh. Oh, wait a second.
Hold on.
Oh. Oh, wait a second.
Hold on.
It's a souvenir from a trip to
Hold on.
It's a souvenir from a trip to
arizona.
It's a souvenir from a trip to
arizona.
Oh.
Arizona.
Oh.
Well, it's very nice, but, um,
Oh.
Well, it's very nice, but, um,
it's rubber, you see.
Well, it's very nice, but, um,
it's rubber, you see.
I've never used it. Oh!
It's rubber, you see.
I've never used it. Oh!
Oh, I have a hacksaw.
I've never used it. Oh!
Oh, I have a hacksaw.
Ooh. I'm an a* m*rder*r.
Oh, I have a hacksaw.
Ooh. I'm an a* m*rder*r.
I have a hatchet under the
Ooh. I'm an a* m*rder*r.
I have a hatchet under the
sink.
I have a hatchet under the
sink.
Oh, okay.
Sink.
Oh, okay.
Oh, yes.
Oh, okay.
Oh, yes.
Ooh.
Oh, yes.
Ooh.
Is this any good?
Ooh.
Is this any good?
Hmm.
Is this any good?
Hmm.
You're sure you don't have a
Hmm.
You're sure you don't have a
big dangerous a* at all?
You're sure you don't have a
big dangerous a* at all?
Positive.
Big dangerous a* at all?
Positive.
No?
Positive.
No?
Well, you know, this will --
No?
Well, you know, this will --
this will take a little longer,
Well, you know, this will --
this will take a little longer,
but beggars can't be choosers,
This will take a little longer,
but beggars can't be choosers,
huh?
But beggars can't be choosers,
huh?
Yes, it's true.
Huh?
Yes, it's true.
Okay.
Yes, it's true.
Okay.
Well, thank you very much.
Okay.
Well, thank you very much.
Thank you, and again, I really
Well, thank you very much.
Thank you, and again, I really
do apologize for disturbing you
Thank you, and again, I really
do apologize for disturbing you
so late at night, and, uh -- oh,
Do apologize for disturbing you
so late at night, and, uh -- oh,
please, don't call the police or
So late at night, and, uh -- oh,
please, don't call the police or
uh -- chop, chop!
Please, don't call the police or
uh -- chop, chop!
[ Chuckles ]
Uh -- chop, chop!
[ Chuckles ]
it's okay. I'm sorry. It's okay.
[ Chuckles ]
it's okay. I'm sorry. It's okay.
Thanks. Bye-bye!
It's okay. I'm sorry. It's okay.
Thanks. Bye-bye!
Bye.
Ah.
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
[ sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
[ sighs ]
wow, what a lineup.
[ Sighs ]
wow, what a lineup.
You can say that again.
Wow, what a lineup.
You can say that again.
[ Sighs ]
You can say that again.
[ Sighs ]
what's this lineup for?
[ Sighs ]
what's this lineup for?
Free food -- flying pig.
What's this lineup for?
Free food -- flying pig.
What?!
Free food -- flying pig.
What?!
You didn't hear?
What?!
You didn't hear?
Oh, god. Hmm.
You didn't hear?
Oh, god. Hmm.
Well, he was, uh, entertaining
Oh, god. Hmm.
Well, he was, uh, entertaining
people at one of life's many
Well, he was, uh, entertaining
people at one of life's many
lineups -- I think it was a
People at one of life's many
lineups -- I think it was a
bank machine -- when all of a
Lineups -- I think it was a
bank machine -- when all of a
sudden...he hit the wires --
Bank machine -- when all of a
sudden...he hit the wires --
fried to death.
Sudden...he hit the wires --
fried to death.
Ooh! Ah! Ooh! Ah! Ow!
Fried to death.
Ooh! Ah! Ooh! Ah! Ow!
Lucky for us, those wires
Ooh! Ah! Ooh! Ah! Ow!
Lucky for us, those wires
were degrees, and he was up
Lucky for us, those wires
were degrees, and he was up
there for / hours.
Were degrees, and he was up
there for / hours.
The flying pig is dead?
There for / hours.
The flying pig is dead?
Hey.
The flying pig is dead?
Hey.
Think of it this way -- he's
Hey.
Think of it this way -- he's
probably up there entertaining
Think of it this way -- he's
probably up there entertaining
people at the lineup to get into
Probably up there entertaining
people at the lineup to get into
heaven.
People at the lineup to get into
heaven.
Oink, oink.
Heaven.
Oink, oink.
Oink, oink.
Oink, oink.
Oink, oink.
Hey, what a lineup.
Oink, oink.
Hey, what a lineup.
But look at me.
Hey, what a lineup.
But look at me.
Hey, hey, hey.
But look at me.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hee, hee, hee.
[ Sighs deeply ]
[ Sighs deeply ]
whe-e-e-e-e!
[ Shadowy men on a shadowy
[ Shadowy men on a shadowy
planet's "having an average
[ Shadowy men on a shadowy
planet's "having an average
weekend" plays ]
03x04 - Episode 4
Watch/Buy Amazon
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.