02x04 - Fun and Games

[bunniefuu]

- (BLACKBEARD GROANS)

- STEDE BONNET: Yes!

(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)

Yes, I'm here!

- (BLACKBEARD MUMBLES, GROANS)

- What is it? What is it?

I thought I lost you.

(GROANING)

- (GRUNTS)

- (WAILS) Ahh! Ahh.

Oh, God! Did you mean to do that?

Think you broke my nose!

- Was that on purpose? Ed?

- (CHEERY THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

Alright, everyone. Great to

see us all together here again.

What happened to your face?

Bet Blackbeard did that, didn't he?

Uh, it was an accident.

- (CREW SCOFFS)

- Okay? I think Ed just sat up too quickly.

That's what they all say.

As you know, he's gone

through quite the ordeal,

and he does need to regain his strength.

Yeah. He'll probably get around

to k*lling you after he's rested.

LUCIUS: Yeah, I'd say it's

a pretty obvious mistake

- letting him get strong again.

- Yes. Hello?

Kick him off the ship already!

- Facts, facts!

- STEDE: Hey, hey, hang on.

We don't just banish people, do we?

That's not us.

Let's give him some time,

perhaps to rebound a bit.

Uh, medically speaking,

the man can't speak,

and his brain is maybe couscous.

Also, gonna need that steak back.

- It's dinner.

- Right. Yes, aye.

Uh, maybe we should put it to the vote.

(SIGHS) Do we have to do this now?

(ALL AGREEING, SHOUTING)

BUTTONS: (ECHOING)

Hello there, traveler.

You've been down to the

gravy basket, haven't you?

Been down there a few times myself.

Did ya have a vision?

(UNSETTLING MUSIC PLAYING)

(BLACKBEARD GROANS)

Hey.

Oh he's seen better days, hasn't he?

At least he's still got both legs!

Yes!

Oh, he can't hear you, he's got no head.

You've got a head, though,

which you should

- look after.

- What do you want, Bonnet?

Uh, well, here's the thing.

The crew, they're in a bit

of a deadlock over the whole

banishment of Ed thing,

and I just thought, seeing as, well,

you were the one

who kept his body aboard,

maybe you should weigh in.

You've already m*rder*d him once.

Seems like a pretty

good payback. (CHUCKLES)

So, what do you think?

My vote?

A rotten leg's got to come off.

Right.

Just to confirm, was that a

nay or yay on the banishment?

So! We, the crew of "The

Revenge," have voted

and we've chosen

banishment, unfortunately.

So, uh, yeah. Effective immediately.

Your complimentary dinghy

awaits you portside.

- Now leave, please.

- f*ck off.

Alright. Rude.

- OLUWANDE: Uh, uh

- (LAUGHS) f*ck you.

It's the first time I've been on

this side of a walk of shame.

- Way to make this awkward, bruh.

- Shitty sailing with you.

You're making it really

hard to look up to you, man.

Hey, made you this

sandwich, uh, for the trip.

Don't you want your sammie?

Ed? Say something, at least.

(BLACKBEARD SIGHS)

You're not a f*ckin' mermaid.

- (BLACKBEARD GRUNTS)

- What?

(WATER SPLASHES)

I'm no mermaid? What does that mean?

(SCOFFS) Pay him no heed.

He's still half dead.

Here. Walk with me over yonder.

I'll explain.

I'm huntin' for a vessel.

So's I can turn into a bird.

Alright. Fine. Yeah.

Let's do it.

- (LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)

- BLACKBEARD: So

here I go again on my own.

f*ck off, nature.

Walkin' down the only road

I've ever known.

Like a gyp

A wolf.

(RABBIT SQUEAKS)

♪♪

Are you a friend, Wolf?

I don't even know why I

got this one. It's a big spider.

I don't even like spiders,

but I thought maybe

I'd be able to get over

my fear of spiders

if I got a big spider on my hand.

But every time I look

at it, I freak out.

So that's why I wear

those black leather gloves.

God, look how much

I'm opening up to you.

(SIGHS) I feel like I've just

found my new best friend.

We're just like two lone

wolves, you and me.

It's a very rare thing,

to find someone who understands you.

You'll always be safe with me. Okay?

- (RABBIT SQUEALS)

- (GASPS, YELLS)

What the f*ck? What the

f*ck?! Who the f*ck did that?!

- Teach?

- Read?

- What the f*ck? (LAUGHS)

- Oh. Oh, my God. (LAUGHS) Ah!

STEDE: Well, it really

does sound like hell,

this gravy bucket thing.

Betwixt hell and high

heaven, to be more precise.

So he escaped, but now

he's sort of unmoored?

Aye. Can't tell what's real

and what's the basket anymore.

Ooh!

♪♪

They'll have a beaut

of a vessel in there.

♪♪

Hello! Are these things for sale?

They are available, yes.

For lovers of beauty.

Well, uh, my friend

is looking for a bowl.

Specifically, somethin' suitable

for an avian transmogrification ceremony.

STEDE: Ah, yes, he's, uh,

turning into a bird, apparently.

Huh. Well, you might wanna check

down yonder by the headboards.

Have a little dig around.

- Superb.

- (CHUCKLING SCOFF)

Oh, my God. This is a

Louis XIV Giltwood console!

Look at the detailing!

That is exquisite.

Don't you have an incredible eye?

Anne Bonny. Collector.

Stede Bonnet. Lover of beauty.

- (LAUGHS)

- MARY READ: Annie!

Look who I f*ckin' found.

Where's my Annie f*ckin' Bonny?

Eddie m*therf*cking Teach!

- Oh!

- Oh, my darling! f*ck.

- (SING-SONGY) Good to see you. Yes, it is.

- (ANNE MUMBLES ALONG)

Hello, Edward.

(SIGHS) Jesus Christ. Here we go.

Hi.

(CHICKENS CLUCKING)

I wasn't looking for you, by the way.

- Uh

- Oh, mate, I don't care if you were.

Wait, you two know each other?

- What are the f*ckin' odds?

- Very high, apparently.

- Shipmates. (LAUGHS)

- Former.

Huh.

- Well, you should both stay for dinner.

- MARY: Yeah.

Oh, I, I don't wanna make

him feel uncomfortable.

Him? Hey, look, you do whatever you want.

You're good at that.

Um, I mean, I could.

Potentially, I could have dinner.

Whatever.

- Whatever.

- Whatever.

Is it just me or does the

energy around here seem off?

By "the energy," do we mean him?

- (BIRDS CAWING)

- (STARTLED) Ooh!

ROACH: Or him?

Well mythical creature?

Anything to say for yourself?

(YELLS) f*ck you!

Or them?

- (SCRUBBING)

- (GRUNTING)

FRENCHIE: Do you still see blood?

Yeah. We'll get it. Just keep scrubbing.

(SHUSHES) They're lookin' this way.

- They've got a feral quality.

- ROACH: Mm-hmm.

I hate to say it,

but I think Blackbeard

really messed them up.

I think I know what

we should do for them.

They just need to be reminded

that they have value.

- WEE JOHN: Mm-hmm.

- And that this is a safe space.

Sea la madre, they're

definitely planning something.

- Yeah.

- Sharp, innit.

It's gonna be really disappointing

if we k*ll them in self-defense.

- (SIGHS) Yeah.

- Great scrubbing.

- So clean. (LAUGHS)

- Oh.

MARY: So, the jail guard,

with the most beautiful

eyes I've ever seen,

pulls his entire f*ckin' face off.

Turns out, this one had

sliced the face off some Brit

- and come to my rescue. (LAUGHS)

- (CHUCKLES) Wow.

Now that-that's, that's romance.

The trick is, you gotta

slice, cut while ya peel.

Most people, they try to muscle it,

and that's how ya tear a face.

Quite the shift, going

from wearing people's faces

to becoming antique collectors.

So, what about you two?

How did you meet?

Well, I'd been gut-stabbed,

and he just so happened upon the ship

I was bleeding out on.

- Nice.

- Yes. Ed saved my life, actually.

Well, actually, um, I was

planning on k*lling him myself.

- ANNE: Mm.

- BLACKBEARD: Burning his face off,

taking his identity, the whole lot.

But he decided I wasn't

going to doggie heaven.

More like I relented.

And for a short time

after that, at least,

we sailed the seas happily.

Until he completely boned it.

(WHISPERS) Can we not do this now?

(WHISPERS) Can do it anytime I like.

- (CUCKOO CLOCK CHIRPS)

- f*ckin' clock.

Bollocks! I gotta go check on dinner.

- (GOAT BLEATS)

- What happened to your beard?

I liked it when it was longer better.

Well, I got the crazy

notion to shave it off.

- Immediately regretted it.

- ANNE BONNY: Mary!

Come and help me. This rabbit is f*cked!

- (CLANKING IN KITCHEN)

- MARY: Coming!

f*ckin' have to do

everything around here.

f*ckin' k*ll the rabbit,

f*ckin' cook the rabbit.

f*ck's sake.

For what it's worth, I like your beard.

The length.

(CLANKING)

(SOFTLY) Thank you.

(INHALES) Um,

Buttons was saying

something about a, a gravy bowl,

and you're half-dead or something.

- MARY: You really screwed it up this time.

- I'm fine.

And maybe don't listen

to a man who's becoming a bird.

- MARY: Don't touch me!

- ANNE: Oh, I do as I please.

- (GROANING)

- (SLICING)

- There ya go, how's that?

- (ITEMS BREAKING)

What the hell?

Sorry. Sorry. Dinner's gonna be a minute.

Uh, someone forgot to take

the intestines out of the rabbit.

Nobody minds a bit

of sh*t on their rabbit.

- Top up?

- BLACKBEARD: Yeah.

Ooh. Uh, you've, you've got a thing.

- Huh?

- On your In your back.

You got something sticking

outta your shoulder.

Oh. f*ck me. (CHUCKLES)

Do you want a hand with that?

No. Annie put it in there,

Annie can take it out.

(FLIRTATIOUS) Aw,

you want me to take it out now, do you?

(FLIRTATIOUS) Aw, is there a f*ckin' echo

in the room, is there?

- (LAUGHS) Get over here.

- Ooh.

- Flick it.

- Ow!

- Yeah. Flick it.

- Ooh!

- ANNE: How's that? How's that?

- MARY: Ow. Ooh!

- ANNE: How's that?

- (MARY MOANS)

ANNE: Six inches of silver

- in your scapula.

- Um

- ANNE: Ooh, it's inside.

- Oh.

ANNE: How lovely and deep that is.

We could leave if you want some

- MARY: Oh! Oh.

- privacy.

Alright, you lot. Just this way.

Oh, you gotta close your eyes

- 'cause it's a surprise.

- Oh, yeah, right.

We're not too much

into surprises these days.

Fair enough.

Anyway, brace yourselves.

(INHALES) Ta-da!

- (SCREAMING)

- f*ck!

Guys, it's called a pine-ata.

Yeah. Y-You So, you

just pull this string and then

And then ya try to hit it with a stick!

(SCREAMS)

- Time for blindfolding.

- (SCREAMS) Stay the f*ck away from me!

You won't want to stay the

f*ck away from this cake!

(BATTLE CRIES)

- God's sake, take it away!

- (ALL SCREAMING)

STEDE: There's quite

a bit of rabbit poop,

but I think we can salvage it.

You're sensitive, aren't you?

Hm? You appreciate things.

You have taste.

Eddie was crazy to let you go.

(INHALES) I'm not sure either of us

have let go, exactly.

(COUGHING)

Real smooth. (COUGHING)

Slowing down, old man.

So (EXHALES) what was

up with all the stabbing?

Just something we do.

Keeps things fresh.

- (CHICKENS CLUCKING)

- Stede stabbed me once.

- (SCREAMING)

- (GROANS)

- (LAUGHING)

- Had to make him do it.

(INHALES) He's so fragile.

- You've got a type.

- Type?

- (MARY LAUGHS)

- No, I don't.

Artsy outsider was always your thing.

- Bullshit.

- You're caught up in this whirlpool,

- just like me and Annie.

- (SPITS, COUGHS)

I just didn't belong

back with my old life.

Mary and the kids.

And that was the second

time you left your wife,

- was it?

- (SOFTLY) Ex-wife.

It feels funny to say that.

You're a heartbreaker, Stede.

Oh, I, I don't know about that.

I mean I may have

wounded a heart or two.

Coy boy. Wound this.

- Oh, they're gonna be so jealous.

- Um, I'm Look,

- I-I honestly I-I

- Mm.

Nah. Knock off. Pile of junk Ooh!

STEDE: Buttons! U-Uh, you're still here?

(IN DEEP VOICE) Eureka.

- Um, th-this is not what it looks like.

- (ANNE GROANS)

I-I had a sore back

and she's, she's, uh

- (ANNE GROANING)

- medically trained?

(STOMACH GURGLING)

- Are you alright?

- I don't feel good.

(GROANING)

(GROANS) Aw, look, she poisoned me.

- What?

- (ANNE RETCHES)

(RETCHING)

One half of this room has some

serious emotional problems.

- And it's not us.

- Well, it's not us!

Right, so, is everybody else's

arms and various limbs getting tired?

- ROACH: Mm-hmm.

- Yep.

Alright, look. Look, look, look.

I think there's actually an

easier way to resolve this.

Yes? Right. So, you all think

that we're plottin' against you?

Which, in hindsight,

m-maybe was inaccurate.

- I don't know. You tell me.

- Okay. So, can we all agree

to just, to just not jump the other crew

and-and solve this as f*ckin' adults?

You're saying this is like

a space that is safe?

- BLACK PETE: Yeah.

- Yeah, babe.

- WEE JOHN: I love that.

- A safe space.

(ALL AGREEING)

A lot has gone unsaid.

I think now is a great time to discuss

- lingering issues. Mm?

- Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Um, can we talk about the, the

f*cked up sleeping arrangements?

- Because, ugh!

- WEE JOHN: Excuse me.

Do you even have a name, new guy?

Yeah, "f*ck You" is her name.

Hey, stupid name for a person.

You know my name is Archie.

(ALL SHOUTING)

(LEGS CLATTERING)

Ah! It's done!

Maybe next time he'll think twice about

not doing his f*cking j (GRUNTS)

- (ALL EXCLAIM)

- (IZZY GROANING)

f*ck off, twats! Leave me alone.

I'm already gone.

You're born alone, you die alone.

You're born alone, you die alone.

Yeah, he's definitely

more disturbed than any of us.

- (ALL AGREEING)

- IZZY: You're born alone, die alone

Rabbit's delicious, hon.

- So tender.

- Mm.

So glad you love it, my darling.

- Mm.

- Oh, and I got the gift you left me

in my glass, earlier.

How's the rabbit, guys?

It's lovely.

- I can barely taste the sh*t.

- BUTTONS: Mm!

I can tell this rabbit was

actually quite intelligent, huh?

From the texture.

So, Stede what's it

like being back at sea?

- It's really nice. Yeah.

- MARY: Mm.

I-I missed it.

Yeah, you must have.

'Cause you left your wife twice.

Wait, what?

You left me for Mary.

Look, I-I was going

to tell you. It's just

- Ed.

- One second. (CLEARS THROAT)

(MARY LAUGHS)

(WHISPERS) I told you in confidence.

Ed?

Ed

can I please explain?

Please, take the blanket off.

BLACKBEARD: f*ck off. Go away.

You can't blame me for

not telling you about Mary.

Yes, I can. I'm blaming you right now.

- I'm blaming the f*ck outta you.

- Well, it's not fair.

You hardly gave me a

chance to say anything.

Fair?! Know what's not fair?

You ditching me without

a note or anything,

then expecting me to just

melt back into your arms

soon as you pop your f*ckin' head up.

I never expected that.

I never expected a headbutt either,

- but I received one.

- Ugh, God. Yeah, throw that back

- in my face now, too.

- I will actually

- because it bloody well hurt!

- Nice. Nice one. Good!

I'm glad it f*ckin' hurt!

It was supposed to hurt!

That's the point of headbutts!

- Alright.

- Ugh, I'm such a f*ckin' idiot.

(SIGHS) I trusted you.

(SNIFFLES) I trusted us. (SCOFFS)

But I was just a whim.

Yeah, just a whim to you.

Another plaything like your, your

fancy toy unicorn boat and your wife.

I was a whim to you Yeah.

You were gonna burn

my face off, remember?

I got over that pretty quick, didn't I?

(SIGHS) We were moving so fast.

We're both whim-proned.

And two people prone to whims

shouldn't just run off to China.

I was all in, mate.

- I was all in.

- (SIGHS) I panicked.

Then you shaved your beard off, for me,

- and

- Again with the beard.

I'm sorry if my horrible,

naked chin disgusts you

- so much.

- I love your chin.

Naked or otherwise.

- Ed.

- Don't.

- I love

- No, don't.

You don't get to say that to me.

- I love everything about you.

- (BLACKBEARD GROANS)

You don't have to say it back to me.

(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm not about to.

I love being near you.

It's nice. It feels good.

Breathing the same air.

- (LAUGHTER)

- (CLANKING)

"Breathing the same"

Oh, my God, it was so f*cking earnest.

Oh, it worked. Have you

guys even had sex yet?

- (SCOFFS) That is private.

- That's none of your business.

- Oh, I called it! I f*cking called it!

- You f*cking called it!

MARY: You've not even

given each other a handy?

A little tickle?

Excuse me. Our private lives

are our private lives, alright?

- What are you talking about?

- ANNE: I'll tell you what, though, Ed.

I think he might like the ladies

'cause he gave me a proper tonguing

- in the kitchen.

- MARY: Ooh!

No, she kissed me

right before she threw up.

- Oh! You bloody devil.

- (LAUGHS) I know.

- I'm sorry, love.

- I know exactly what's happening here.

I know what's goin' on. It's a game.

This is just a sick game for them,

and now we're part of it.

I would've expected as much from

Anne here, who's a f*cking psycho!

- Hey!

- STEDE: Come on!

- Ya steal people's faces.

- That's right.

And you, Mary, what

the f*ck happened to you?

We moved to a swamp

to sell f*cking antiques

to f*ckin' no one.

We get our fun where we can!

What?!

We can leave any time.

It's you who is scared that

you're too old to go back to pirating.

- I never f*ckin' said

- Yes, she did!

- Bitch!

- Don't you say that f*cking word!

Bitch, please. Why don't

you go and dust some

- end tables or something?

- (ANNE SCREAMS)

- (CUCKOO CLOCK CHIRPS)

- (MARY YELLS)

(CLOCK STOPS)

Been wanting to do that

for f*ckin' years.

- Nice. Really healthy.

- Well done, Mary.

I bet Anne really loved

that ugly piece of sh*t clock.

Oh. Are you a united front now?

You lightweights.

You f*ckin' 14-year-old boys.

(PANTING) Me and Annie,

we're what an adult

relationship looks like.

- (STEDE SNORTS)

- Adult? The f*ck you talkin' about?

Really? I mean, she stabbed you,

you poisoned her, and

then she jumped on my face.

Just you watch.

You're hot for each other now,

but eventually, your charms'll lose

impact and become annoyances.

The mystery? Gone.

The magic? In the wind.

Fun and games are all that's left.

The only distraction to the last

unknown in your relationship:

which of you will slump over first?

(FLAMES CRACKLING)

There. I torched it all.

- (FIRE CRACKLING)

- ANNE: We're free.

You didn't Y-You

Even the little posh tables

and that big cupboard thingy?

Yeah, the armoire.

Everything must go.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

You are so f*cking hot right now.

I know.

Yeah. Your house is on fire!

♪♪

- Oh, sh*t. Come on.

- See you, guys.

- Hold it.

- I am holding it.

Uh, um, sorry, and

twist it a bit, please?

- (JIM GROANS)

- Yeah, that's the one.

- Ooh, yeah, yeah.

- Ah. Alright.

Well, that's quite lovely, innit?

Yeah. Gold paint's a nice touch.

I thought it'd be overkill, but.

Yeah, but will it be load-bearing?

'Cause (SCOFFS) that

would be embarrassin'.

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

And you? What's your excuse?

I mean, what even are you?

- (KNOCKING AT DOOR)

- f*ck off.

- (KNOCKING AT DOOR)

- f*ck off!

- (GLASS BREAKS)

- You are harassing a cr*pple!

f*cking twats! (PANTING)

(SNIFFLES)

(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRYING)

(SNIFFLES)

f*cking cocksuckers.

(RECITING INCANTATION)

Goddess, devour me.

Balmy water. Balmy water.

Slick my bones. Spoiled boiled eggs.

Wa-ka-ka-ka. Wa-ka-ka-ka. Wa-ka-ka-ka.

Lotta your friends are

troubled, aren't they?

Yeah. Ya know, they're all pirates.

True.

(FIRE ROARING)

What are you gonna do tonight?

Tonight? I don't know.

I was gonna stay with them,

but I don't know.

Maybe I'll just crash

in the trees or somethin'.

- Well, I mean

- Well, I was thinking if you wanted to,

- I mean, I could ask

- Well, no, you shouldn't have to

- Sorry, you go.

- Oh, no, you go. No, sorry.

- Nah, you. No, you.

- Um, okay. (INHALES)

I was just gonna say I

could put it to the crew,

and if you wanted to stay

one more night on the ship,

ya know, extenuating

circumstances and all that.

- (SOFTLY) Yes.

- What's that?

Uh, it might be nice.

(EXCITEDLY) Great!

(ANIMALS SCATTER)

- Yeah.

- (NONCHALANTLY) I mean, yeah. Wait there.

- The sea is my love.

- Jesus Christ.

You're still here. I forgot about you.

But there is a cruel limit

to the passion I can share

with Her Majesty in this current form.

No offense, man, but, uh, I just

need you to not be weird right now.

To love the sea as she must be loved,

- requires change.

- Oh, my God.

That's what I learned

down in the old gravy basket.

Here, hold that.

♪♪

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

♪♪

(CHANTS INDISTINCTLY)

Earth, wind, and fire,

reassemble upon Her Majesty.

I wanna go higher.

Okay.

(SIGHS)

Buttons, people don't change,

not into birds or otherwise.

- (RUSTLING)

- Buttons?

Buttons? Hey.

Enough f*ckin' around, mate.

You're not a f*cking bird.

(BIRD CAWS)

("SEABIRD" BY ALESSI BROTHERS PLAYING)

There's a road I know I must go ♪

f*ck yeah, brother.

Fly.

Oh, Ed.

- Ooh.

- Hey, um, can you come with?

It's getting a bit dark,

and I-I can't, actually

I can't find my way back to the ship.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, comin'.

(BLACKBEARD PANTING)

Hey! Buttons turned into a seagull!

- What?

- Yeah, he flew off.

♪♪

I don't listen to the news no more ♪

Like an unwound clock,

you just don't seem to care ♪

This world isn't big enough

to keep me away from you ♪

Oh, from you ♪

- Seabird, seabird, fly home ♪

- (SEAGULL CAWING)

Seabird, seabird, fly home ♪

Like a lonely seabird ♪

You've been away from land too long ♪

Oh, too long ♪

Suddenly, you're with me ♪

Turn and you're not there ♪

Like a ghost, you haunt me ♪

You find warmth in a one-night bed ♪

Sunsets, full moons

don't turn you on ♪

Like an untied dog,

you just had to run ♪

Like a lonely seabird ♪

You've been away from land too long ♪

Oh, no, too long ♪

Sail on, seabird ♪

Seabird, seabird ♪

I won't be eatin'

this way when I'm a bird.

- You won't, will you?

- BUTTONS: No.

Pescatarian, he calls it.

(MARY CHUCKLES, INHALES)

So there's another Mary?

(EXHALES) You ask me,

it's like a non-stop

knockin' shop on that ship.