01x06 - The Fake Dream

[bunniefuu]

February with her little bow!

And March, all wet. How nice!

A little basket for April,
and let's see...

And May has his back to the camera.
I wonder what happened to him.

Where's Renaldo?

I told you. He went to LA
to your Uncle Tico's house.

I can't believe you've
never heard of Trader Joe's.

Wait until you see TJ Maxx.

TJ Maxx.

I can't believe I'm standing
in front of you.

I'm just... just a big fan...
Your movie changed my life.

Yes, mine too.

And thank you in advance

for making my visions come to life.

Tico, what did you buy?
Let me see.

You got the horseradish hummus.

That makes my throat just burn.

And ginger snaps!
I love these.

Before I met Tico,
a cookie was just a cookie,

but then he said,
"Try a ginger snap."

Have you ever had one?

Ginger snap? No.

Finish it.

- It's really good.
- Good.

Follow me to the set.

Yes.

Uncle Tico, that's Bianca Nova!

How are we getting to set?
In your car?

Um, there's been a change.

But, bueno, she has
a good makeup station for you.

Good.

Life is full of unexpected wonders.

You are the devil, I am not...

Tico, will you please sit down.
You're in my sh*t.

Now, young lady, you are a stand-in.

Oh my god! Stop acting!

Now, who's this?

- Oh my goodness.
- I'm sorry.

Yes, get out of my sh*t!

Oh my god.

What... what is going on here?

Anne Hathaway?

Yes. When do we wrap?

I have a Princess Diaries party
to go to.

Anne Hathaway, please stop
talking to the makeup artist

and get off book!

I could get off book
if I had the script.

Well, who has the script?

We can't lose it, we only have one,

and don't you dare make me go
to Kinko's again.

Makeup artist,
when would be a good time

for you to start working
on Anne Hathaway?

Excuse, Ms. Nova, but I think
she's not Anne Hathaway.

Don't you think I know that?

This is my best friend
and mortal enemy,

Jacqueline Webster.

I couldn't get Anne Hathaway
to play Sara,

so I got Jacqueline to play
Anne Hathaway playing Sara.

And why couldn't Jacqueline
just play Sara?

Because they needed somebody famous
to do the late-night talk shows.

A star for the posters,
they needed a name.

Okay.

- Well, get to work, everyone!
- Yes.

What do you need, Dr. Contreras?

I treat patients with insomnia.

The body knows
when it needs to rest,

but the mind is always sending
emails, running errands,

talking on the phone,

seeing if there's time to use
the bathroom

or make love to your wife

who you've felt distant to
since the accident.

The body knows it needs rest,
but the mind is not that easy.

In order to make my patients
fall asleep,

I exhaust them mentally.

I give them reading material,
sudoku puzzles,

or I show them a picture
of a plain man with brown hair

and ask them, "Who's this?"

So their minds collapse
and they fall asleep.

But lately,

I've been having a lot of
trouble with patient number...

number...

one.

Come with me.

Given how creative you are,
I thought maybe you could...

What if we stage a fake,
mundane dream around the patient

so she thinks she's finally asleep,

stops stressing about it,
and actually falls asleep.

Great. That sounds very good.

- One last thing...
- We only accept cash.

That's fine.
What I wanted to say was...

- No vouchers. Got it?
- Yes, yes, it's not...

And no questions, suggestions,
or telling us when to show up.

I wanted to talk to you
about that kind of thing.

You were very curt in your email.

You're both very cold people.

Terrible customer service.

You need someone
with a positive attitude

who smiles and is charismatic,

someone who talks while you focus...

Thanks for the suggestion,
but we already have a friend like that

who, unfortunately, is not here.

And we miss him very much.

We're done.

Thanks for taking this gig with me.

Mark threatened to take Tati
if we don't pay him soon.

It's the most I can do right now,

considering my parents
still control my money

on account of it being their money.

I wish there was someone
positive here

to tell us everything will be fine.

That's not me.

Tati, why do you always sit
in the waiting room

when we have an important meeting?

- You can join us.
- Yeah, I know.

I had work to catch up on.

- What's she doing?
- She's playing buttons.

sh*t.

Tati, I'll see you
at home. I have a job interview.

Okay.

By the way, do you know
what dresses you'll be wearing

- for the wedding?
- We have to wear dresses?

Of course, you have to wear
a dress, Úrsula.

My wedding isn't going to be some kind
of alternative wedding.

- It will be Catholic with a capital "C".
- What kind of dress?

I don't know, one that shows
some cleavage. Hair extensions.

Something very sexy
for all my uncles to look at.

- Imagine.
- That's funny. Bye.

- Let's go, Tati.
- Okay.

It's been ten minutes.
Where the hell is my car?

Don't you know who I am?
I'm Anne Hathaway.

Cut! For the love of God,

the character's name is Sara.

But you want to convince people that
Hathaway's playing her, don't you?

So that is her fumbling her line.

Think, Bianca. Think!

Then I suppose we've got it.

All right, everyone, let's take
a quick 38-minute break.

- Beep beep.
- Beep beep.

Hello.

I'm with my cousin,
my Espooky-ass cousin,

and he is putting some makeup on me

like Marilyn Manson or whatever.

Anyway, see you. Ciao.

Listen, listen.
Now, for the next take,

when I yell "action,"

can you make her teeth fall off

and fangs grow in instantly?

I told her about all
the cool stuff that you do,

you know, like the exorcism
and the cool sea monster.

Yes, Uncle, but the thing...

I'm sorry,
the thing is that I'm afraid...

that I don't have my team here.

Please, please, please,

don't show me people
that I don't know

when I am in the middle
of a project.

Now I don't know who is who,
and I'm so confused,

I just want to jump out the window!

No, no, no. Bianca, no.
Please... the movie.

You're right. I cannot let
this boy ruin my project.

Uncle... I'm sorry, but...

Úrsula is one who makes
stuff like that happen.

You have to imagine
what she would do.

Sometimes, if I can't park a car,

I just close my eyes and I think,

"If this car could park itself,
what would it do?"

One more thing, one more thing.

how would we get the car in here?

I don't think we can get a car
in here.

Listen, boy, if we could get
Anne Hathaway,

we could get a car in here.

Now, let's see you put on lipstick.

You don't believe I have
experience doing make-up?

I believe you,
but we have to be sure.

Very good.
Could you do this thing?

Very good. I'll give you
a ten out of ten for that.

Now, I'll ask you some questions.
What did you have for breakfast?

- Coffee and cereal.
- Okay, and two weeks ago?

I don't know, coffee, cereal,
maybe some toast...

Only short-term memory.
Okay. Next question,

If you couldn't have sex
for the rest of your life,

would you be upset,
or would you say,

- "Finally, I can focus on making TV"?
- What are these questions for?

Don't worry, they're just
silly questions, not important.

Do you want to get up
on the platform?

Very good.

Could you do that thing...
like this?

- See, it's not weird, even I can do it.
- I think I should go.

No, please.
Don't make this difficult.

Look, the show must go on.

- What's your bra size?
- That's enough.

Andrés?

What are you doing?

Well, I got cold feet
and was going to run away.

Then I remembered how much of my
identity revolves around all this.

Besides, now that Renaldo is gone,

I don't have a voice telling me,
"Do what makes you happy."

So I came back.

Well, I'm going to take
your little golden ladder...

so you don't try it again.

By the way, they finally fixed
the Wi-Fi.

Well, it's not a bad movie, but...

will I think about it tomorrow?
Probably not.

I guess I didn't really like it.

Now I feel bad for making
such a big fuss about it.

A deal is a deal, demon.
I want my answers now.

Calm down.

Who left me at the orphanage?
Who am I? Where do I come from?

Now, the time has come.

The identity of the people
that left you

at the door of the orphanage...

- is no other than Mr. and Mrs. Valdez.
- Hello!

- What?
- We brought a boy.

- A strange boy.
- Very strange.

Yes, your parents had you
and then they got rid of you.

They're the ones that left you
at the orphanage.

- Then they changed their minds.
- Thanks for this beautiful baby.

This baby, he has
a completely unknown origin.

We've never seen this baby
in our lives.

We can't wait
to be his adoptive parents.

Of course, here, take him.

Thank you. God bless you.

Thank you, sister.

I... I...

I have a dark past,
everyone knows that.

I belong somewhere else.

No, you're just a guy
who lives with his parents.

When the guests arrive,

I want all the presents
to be on this table, unwrapped.

This way, we can see who gave what

and treat them accordingly
for the rest of the night.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing, just being sweet.

Okay, it'll just take some time
to get used to.

Ms. Bianca,
would you like to see the teeth?

- Yes.
- Ready and action!

No, no, that is not
how I pictured it.

Do I have to tell you my thoughts

in order for you to know
what they are?

Ms. Nova?

- What?
- I have something to tell you.

Your movie, The Woman with No Eye,

- just changed my life...
- I do not have time

to be burdened with your feelings.

I am in the middle
of a major project.

I have three pages to sh**t
in only four days.

Now please, get back to work,
Reynaldo.

Excuse me.
Actually, it's Renaldo.

No... it's Reynaldo with a "y".

My name is Renaldo.

What the hell kind of a name
is that? Please.

Tico. Tico, have you come up
with an ending yet?

So that's your idol?

I bet you didn't know she became
such a monster on set.

They don't put that in the posters.

But they should.

Look, kid...
I'm not Anne Hathaway.

- I know.
- I'm actually an old friend of Bianca's.

I worked with her back in the day.

I know her well.

Let me let you in
on a little secret.

The Bianca Nova you know,

the iconic director
that changed your life,

she was a group effort.

It took an army
to execute her brilliance.

An army of faceless little helpers
that made it happen.

You have to ask yourself:

Do you want to be a gear
in the Bianca machine?

Or do you want to go off
and make your own thing?

I think you should do
your own thing.

I will.

What are you doing?

Ms. Nova, my best friend
is just getting married,

and I am here just living
someone's else dream,

so I'm going back to doing
my own spooks with my friends.

- Thank you.
- What?

Listen, I have to quit, too,
because I need to go park cars.

I'm sorry, but you can still use
this to keep sh**ting.

So that's how it is? Everyone
is deserting Beep Beep Awoo.

That is the name of the movie.

Not me, Bianca.

You're the worst nightmare
I can possibly imagine,

but goddammit, when we're good...

- We're great.
- g*dd*mn you, Jacqueline...

Let's make some magic.

How the f*ck am I gonna get
these b*tches outta my house?

Hello. Welcome.

Would you like
to sign the guestbook?

What a dismal day for everyone.

You'll be forever trapped
in a golden cage

while we drown in our g*dd*mn debts.

This is a disaster,
but I won't remind you of that.

This is beyond me.
I was born for this.

I can't keep fighting my destiny.

Why is she doing that?

She loves you too much.
She's going to do it badly.

Move.

Listen, my love...

We want everything
to be perfect today,

but something unexpected
might happen.

So no matter what happens,

you and I must project perfection.

We're going to keep up
appearances... and smile.

It doesn't matter if there's
an earthquake

in the middle of the ceremony,
Andrés.

We're going to smile and say,

"What a beautiful earthquake,
just as we planned."

Am I being clear?

There is nothing more humiliating

than being caught
in a little mix-up, Andrés.

Can I help you? You're staring
at me and stealing my energy.

Remind me, we need to talk

about the type of people
that come over.

Tati! Tati, come!

Come!

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today
to celebrate the marriage

of Mr. Juan Carlos de Leon
and...

Hold on, I have a little gossip
that I want to fill you in on.

Or is this a bad moment?

I mean, I love gossip. Tell me.

Do you remember the day
you met Juan Carlos?

That moment which you have been
clinging to as pure and true.

Well, there's something
about that moment

you didn't see.

Hey, hey, come. Don't get wet.

My name is Juan Carlos.

It was all deliciously orchestrated

to unite Valdez Chocolates
and Juan Carlos Cookies.

I'm not gonna marry you.

- What are you doing?
- Of course not.

This marriage is between
Mr. Juan Carlos de Leon...

and Ms. Tati Fuentes.

You must be at the wrong wedding.

Tati?

Okay, you may share your vows.

Juan Carlos,

you are my angel.

I was broken and you fixed me.

It's okay. I made Tati
sign the certificate.

They are legally married now.

You're free,
and she has her wealthy prince

who can take care of our debts.

Well, you know what?
Good for her.

He'll be too embarrassed
to say anything.

...you're my best friend.

Every day, I thank
God for bringing us together.

Thank you for making me better
every day, for loving me,

and for making me
the happiest woman in the world.

I love you.

You took the words out of my mouth.

Me too, over here...

very happy with my wife...

who I will respect
until my last breath.

Well, thanks, everyone, for coming

and witnessing my marriage to...

well, to Tati.

Just as we planned.

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

- You may kiss the...
- Let the party begin!

I don't know what to take...

- My little swan.
- Enough, let's go.

Guess who's back?

Guys, I've been waiting here
for half an hour.

- I thought you'd never show up.
- What about the movie?

You were right.
The movie sucked.

And what we do is much better.

We make real horror
for those who need it.

- We missed you.
- Me too.

My dear Andrés,
how was the ceremony?

I'm so sorry I missed it,

and I didn't even bring you a gift.

Renaldo, I'm sure
I would have hated your gift.

Besides, I didn't marry Juan Carlos.

Tati did.

What?

Okay, wow.

Excuse me.

Little Andrés, don't worry.

We'll clean up this mess in private,

and you'll marry Juan Carlos.

No, actually, this is fine by me.

Do you understand
that you're endangering

the future of Valdez Chocolates?

I don't want any more chocolate.
Thank you very much.

If you want to keep being a Valdez,
you will have to...

I won't have to do anything.
In fact, I'm leaving.

I'll be graciously transitioning

from a little chocolate prince
to a little prince in exile.

I know it's a tough world out there

for a 31-year-old
with many assets to his name,

but you know what?
I have incredible friends

who will feed me, take me in,
dress me,

and remind me
to take my various pills.

They will fill the void
left by your absence.

It was a pleasure
being raised by you. Thank you.

You'll regret this.

A lot.

Dude! I'm so proud of you.

I'm also proud,
but I can't take care of you.

Úrsula, I have faith in you.

I know with hard work, effort,
and perseverance,

you'll be able to provide
for all my needs.

- Hey, are you guys coming back down?
- Wow.

Renaldo! Enchanté.

I'm so happy you made it
to the wedding!

Look at the cookie queen!

I'm a married woman now,
part of a cookie empire.

No one can fire me from this.

And now you really have a husband.

What do you mean?

Well, you called Felipe your husband

even though he was just
your boyfriend.

No, when I said I cheated
on my husband,

I meant I cheated on Juan Carlos
with Felipe.

Hold on, how did you know
you were going

to marry Juan Carlos from the start?

For most people,
time goes like this...

But for me, it goes like this...

I experience the past, present,
and future at the same time.

That's why I act this way.

I have a lot of noise in my head.

Well, that explains a lot.

Tati, it may seem like
you're a blank canvas,

but in reality, you're a black hole.

Well, get me out of here.

Let's go.

Well, my dear Espookys, what's next?

Tomorrow, we have a job making
some insomniac fall asleep.

- Okay.
- So we're going to stage a fake dream

so the patient relaxes
and falls asleep.

Cool. And have you told
the client we're going tomorrow?

Told him?
If he needs us to hold his hand

and tell him when we're coming,
I don't think...

That's okay.
I'll take care of it.

Tati, we have to cut the cake.
Where have you been? Let's go.

I was hungry earlier,
so I cut myself a piece.

Tati, what little adventure
did I get myself into?

How do you think
of such nutty things?

Come... cut herself
a piece already. Ha!

Courtesy of my husband's
cookie fortune...

this takes care of everything.

Well, now off to India.

You won't believe the things
those people will sign

for the distant hope of quick cash.

Well, I'm off to a luncheon.
It was so nice seeing you.

Some extensions, lots of makeup,

fuzzy memories...

You'll be mine next week,
Gregoria Santos number nine.

I'm still not asleep.

You're gonna turn off
the lights again?

That doesn't work, remember?

What am I doing in a car?

Why am I in the neighborhood
where I grew up?

I must be dreaming...

Okay.

Incredible.

Hell yeah...