01x01 - Who Do You Think You Are?

[bunniefuu]

CROWS CAW
WIND BLOWS
WIND WHISTLES
WATER DRIPS
DOOR CREAKS
LABOURED BREATHING

It won't be long now.

She had a tremendous innings.

At least she's comfortable.

Yeah, there are worse ways to go.



- Well, this is it.



- You're telling me!

- You can say that again.



- Quiet.

Shh.

I think it's happening.

Stand by.

Shh.

THEY GASP I think she's going.

Oh, I do hope she stays.

Tenner says she stays.

Deal.

I can't see anything.

Can you lift me up a bit? Argh! Oh, not this again.

Who are you? I am the ghost of your great

-grandmother.

We are those poor spirits who dwell on, compelled for reasons unknown Ah, she's gone.



- Lucky cow.



- Good on her, actually.

What's going on? All I can see is shoes.



- You owe me ten.



- Oh, no, no.



- If you listened to what I actually said

- Oh, don't start.

Guys, if you please! Perhaps one of us should say a few words.

Yes, I'll do it.

HE CLEARS HIS THROA Bagsie her room.



- Oh, she's only just d*ed.



- Honestly.

Well, I'll wait until they've taken her away, of course.

She was the last Button of Button House.

The final Button d*ed today.

Though, where she goes, we cannot say.

Oh, he's off again.

It seems but only yesterday Hey, come on.

Don't go without me.

Oh, stupid body.

Her life, twas like a play.

But with no children of her own, who then will come to call this home? Well, it's bigger than the place we're renting.



- And slightly over budget, but

- Does it have a garden? No, but the downstairs flat's got one you can look at.



- Yeah?

- Oh.



- PHONE RINGS

- Sorry, one second.

Hello, Clasey Hughes Estate.



- Nice view of the street.



- Yeah.

BOTH: "Buddy's Fish 'n' Pizza.

" Well, we do like both those things.

Hmm.



- It's rubbish, isn't it? It's so bad.



- Yep.

It's awful.

And I hate it.



- Sorry.



- Nah, fair enough.

I wouldn't want to live here either.

PHONE RINGS

- Hello?

- Hello, is that Alison Cooper?

- Speaking.



- I'm calling about a house.

We're only looking at flats.

We can't afford to buy a house.

This one's not for sale.

Then why are you calling? God, I hate estate agents.

Apart from the good ones like you.

PHONE RINGS Yep? Sorry, I think we've got off on the wrong foot.

I'm a solicitor at Worthing, Cole and Simons, and I'm calling to inform you that you have in fact inherited a house.

Hello? Hello? That's you in the corner there.

So, she was like my step

-great auntie? There's no real term for what you are, but she sadly had no direct relatives and so you're the only one.

I feel like I'm in the head master's office.

I put a p*ssy willow in Daniel Bellingham's ear, and he tried to get it out and just pushed it further in.

He had to go to the doctors.

It wasn't A&E or anything, it was just He's fine now.

He's a pastry chef.

These look nice.

That's potpourri.



- Was she old?

- She was 99.

Oh, so close.

And there she is.

Lady Heather Button.

The Buttons go back a long way.

Lady? Does that mean I'm a lady? OK, I know I'm a lady, but, like, a lady lady? Like, Lady Gaga.

No, no It's not this house, is it? As a matter of fact, it is.



- Button House.



- No.

Now, obviously, it can take several years to find a buyer and close the sale luxury hotel chains, that sort of thing.

I mean, she lived on her own

- What if we keep it?

- Yes.

That is a great idea.

The house is in a state of some disrepair.

We were looking for a bit of a project anyway and I retiled the bit behind the sink in our last flat, so

- The splashback?

- Is it? I'm not sure this falls into the category of DIY.

You should at least have a survey done before I just feel like it would be better to keep it in the family.

I think, actually, that's what she would have wanted.



- Aunt Helen.



- Heather.

And if it can make money for some hotel chain, then why not make it work for us? We could give up our jobs.

We could do this full time.



- OK, yes.



- Can we keep it? If we want to? Well, it is your house.

Sorry.

Look what the cat's dragged in.

Down here.

You're warm.

Getting warmer.

You're boiling.

No.

Cold Getting cold.

Down here! You deaf Well, I've got the ears, haven't I? Er Little guy

- Pawn.



- Prawn go dooka, dooka.



- But that's

- Checkmate.

Fine.

Best of 20.

Come on.

Ideally, you want it about five potatoes high.

This one's going to have mud on it, but you don't have mud on it.

This is the tip.

We insert the tip into the split.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER Then repeat the process until you be done.

Right, lovely talk of the day from Mary today.

I think I can safely say if we had any wicker, or indeed we could touch anything, we could all make a pretty rad

-looking basket.

Maybe next week, please, we'd all be very interested to hear about the trial.

The witch trial

- Too soon?

- When you're ready.

So, tomorrow is food club! When Kitty will be telling us all about the first time

- she ate an egg.



- I actually didn't like it.

All right, Kitty.

Well, save it for tomorrow, please.

Give us something look forward to.

And then on Wednesday, Julian has volunteered to make a speech.

Yes, my by

-election victory speech.

'91.

Very inspiring, very long and a few smutty jokes to keep it light.

Oh, God.

Spare me.

Right, that's it.

Pat, sit down.

Right, AOB? Any other business? Well, I have got something, actually.

Now, ever since I moved rooms, I've been woken every night by you, Fanny, screaming like a mad person.

Well, I don't think I do! FANNY SCREAMS I always thought that was an owl.

An owl? Do you know what an owl sounds like? Well, no, I don't think so.

It has got to stop! Look, this is my house and I shall do what I like.

It was mine first.

No, that's the land, not the house.

HE MIMICS HER Well, I wish you would all hush.

I cannot do my work with all this agitation.

Work? You haven't done a day's work in your life, or death.

He's an artist.



- He's ahead of his time.



- Oh, he can't still be ahead of his time, Kitty.

Guys, please! Why don't you just go back to your old room in the east wing? I don't see why I should.

I wanted the garden view.

Now, as ranking officer The garden view comes with the screaming woman.

You get used to it after 100 years.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER Let's be serious here.

Don't you get involved.

Argh! It's simple.

You swap rooms.

You go up top, you come ground floor and no jumpy.

Right.

Well, that would suit me, I think.

Yeah, that could work.



- Not just a pretty face.



- Well, quite.

Hmm.

HE CLEARS HIS THROA Ah.

Splendid.

CLOCK CHIMES Fanny? What is it, Fanny? George? SHE SCREAMS Oh, for heaven's sake.

Throw yourself out of your own damned window.

I always get the timing wrong on that.

Hang on, hang on.

I think this is it.

Oh, my God.

My heart.

It's so strange.

I feel like I know the place already.

This track, every tree.

It's like I've been here my whole life.

Like it's home.



- This is the wrong one.



- Yeah.



- This really is beyond the pale.



- Oh, has it happened again? You went in my room, you said, "George", and then threw yourself out of the window.

Well, look, I don't even realise I'm doing it.

Perhaps there's something deeply buried reason why you feel like you have to re

-enact Maybe try jumping out of the window before bed, get it out of the way.

No, it's not so much the jumping, it's the screaming that's annoying.

Yes, that's a compromise.

Keep the jumping, but do it silently.

Staying hush whilst falling from a height? Tush and flops.

Look, perhaps I scream because

- and I've never told anyone this, but

- It's quite all right.

We shan't pry.



- It's just that the night that I actually

- No, look, no screaming.

That's all I ask.

Is that reasonable? Good.

Oh! Argh! Eeh! Box.

Move.

Wheel.



- Motor car.



- Car! Wow.

It's like a blooming spaceship.

Poor creatures must be lost.

MUSIC: Kids In America by Kim Wilde It's Kim Wilde.

Let me pluck out my eyes for never will I see such beauty again.

Yes, he'd make a very fine soldier.

HE CLEARS HIS THROA

- Wow.



- Shall we, Lady Alison? ALISON GASPS Oh, my This is 100% the most incredible moment of my life, apart from my wedding.



- And it's all ours.



- What did that girl just say? She must be related to you.

Like a niece, a great, great, great No, no, no, no.

She's no niece of mine.

Look at her.

She's exposing her knees and she's got a tattoo.

So, this is the library.



- Does that mean we have to start reading books?

- Philistine.

It'll be nice to have some new faces around.

There's enough faces already.

We have to fix up all the plasterwork.

But need fix architrave.

Oh, yeah.



- We could do every room in a different style.



- Great idea.

Over my dead body!

- Wait

- I know.

Ye olde worlde.

1950s.

THEY GROAN

- Club Tropicana.



- That's fun.



- Wow.



- Unbelievable.

Well, they seem really nice.

Let's give them a chance.

Look at that.



- What is that?

- Is that a lake? I hate it when that happens.

It's a lake.

Well, there's only two of them.

Still plenty of room for us.

This is going to make one incredible hotel.

THEY GASP What is hotel? Well, a hotel is

- k*ll them.



- I quite agree.

If we all approve the use of force to enable them to, you know, not live any more.



- Out of the question.

That's completely immoral.



- And it's wrong.

And if we do k*ll them, we could be stuck with them forever.

Would that so bad? She's married, Thomas.

Look at them.

Why must I always be spurned?

- Couldn't we all just live in the gatehouse?

- I'd rather k*ll them.



- k*ll them.



- Hear, hear.

But that's a crime.



- CLOCK CHIMES

- We'll hang.

FANNY SCREAMS Dammit, Fanny! We could always try haunting? We're ghosts.

THEY MURMUR Your tea, m'lady.

Thank you, Jeeves.



- Taste all right?

- Why? I couldn't get any water in the kitchen and I couldn't find the other kitchen, so I ended up using the garden tap, and then there's no electric in the kitchen, so I found a plug that works in the library.

I don't know if the water's drinkable, but I boiled it twice.



- PIGEONS COO

- I love the sound of the country.



- It's in the room.



- Oh, yeah.

It must be nesting somewhere.

Right, what's first? The pipes? Electrics?

- Probably get the bird out the room.



- Yeah.

Come on, then, pigeon.

Gah! Now, then.

Let's have a look at some of the skills at our disposal, shall we? Now, we all know that Robin can do that thing with the lights.



- Will you please, Robin?

- Oh, yeah.

Heugh!

- THEY CHUCKLE

- Very good.

Yes, Mary.

When I pass through the livings, they smells burnings.

Excellent.

None of those are plural, but Tis a most noxious stink.

When I was alive Oh, here he goes.

It was rumoured a little plague girl could often be heard singing in the pantry.

Ring a ring o' roses A pocketful of posies A

-tishoo A

-tishoo We all fall down.

People find it scary apparently.

I can't think why.

Finally, we're all aware of Julian's extraordinary powers.

Oh, please.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER No, no.

All right, all right, all right.

Just I need a little bit OK, here we go.

Right.

Shh, shh.

Hold on.

Ah! Argh! Here we go.



- Extraordinary!

- I've only tried it on cups, but, you know.

Excellent.

Well, with my leadership and your skills Ah.

I believe we have everything we need to scare them out of their wits.

ALISON SCREAMS The water's gone cold.

It's so cold.

Mike.



- Thomas?

- What? I wasn't looking, and anyway, I couldn't see anything.

All right, mate.

Is she coming out?

- Yes, I think she is.



- She's coming out! Stand to, everybody.

Prepare for action.

Good luck, everyone.

And remember, as long as you do your best

- Finished?

- Yes.

Hot water's stopped.

Go for Robin.

ROBIN CRIES OU Man down.

Right, cue Jemima.

Ring a ring o' roses LOUD MUSIC BLASTS Yes! Got the speakers hooked up.

Well, that's the main thing.

Yes, please, Mary.



- I think your toast is burning.



- Dammit!

- All on you now, Julian.



- Come on, Julian!

- Push it!

- Come on!

- Come on, Julian!

- Push it!

- Come on, Julian!

- Come on, push it!

- Come on!

- Push it! VASE SCRAPES AGAINST TABLE Dammit! It's much bigger than a cup, so Ah! Haunting's hard, isn't it? So, how did it go? Guys? Right, well, I think the boiler is in there? LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS After you.

Oh.

Sing something, make this less scary.

Don't be scared Don't be scared I'm not scared OK, you're making it worse.

There's another switch here.

I can fix this.

What? Are you joking?

- Who are they?

- I don't know.

I'll look it up on YouTube.

Mike, not everything can be learned from a YouTube tutorial.

You'd be surprised.

I found a guide on how to tame an eagle.



- Yeah, but that's not What, an actual eagle?

- Why would you need to know that?

- I don't know.



- Cool, though.



- So cool.

Um Oi, don't fiddle with that.

Do you even know what that does? Yeah, it's a thing for the thingy bob.

It's the valve for the filling loop.

GHOSTS: Hey! Woo!

- Fixed it.



- No, you haven't.

It's just the pilot light.



- Do you think we need a new one?

- What? Get rid of old Betsy? No, no.

Let's see what the surveyor says next week.

OK.



- Ready?

- What for?

- I'm ready.



- Ready.

GHOSTS: Aw.



- I wasn't ready.



- Well, that was nice, anyway.

Yeah, come back soo Oh, they can't hear me, can they? They're not warming up down here.

How's yours? Give me a sec.

PIGEON COOS There you are.

Hello.

We'll be overrun with people taunting us with their life.

No, we'll just try again.

If at first you don't succeed Precisely.

That's right.

We must prepare another charge.

Hit them when they're vulnerable.

We may have lost the battle, but the w*r is far from over.

SOMEONE SCREAMS

- Fanny's early.



- I'm right here.

What? It's Kim Wilde! Alison! Alison! Alison.

Alison.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Alison, can you hear me? Alison, I'm here.

Can you hear me? Yeah? Stay with me.

Keep your eyes open.

Alison, I'm here.

B

-b

-b

-b L

-l

-l

-l Let me be absolutely clear.

Did you push her? Now, the thing you have to understand is this I'm sorry, but it's rather a yes or no question.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER I took a decision to Pushy or no pushy? Robin, let me ask you this.

You know, what was the context? Answer the question, damn your eyes! Thomas, I'm trying to answer the question, if you'll let me finish.

Now, look here.

A sacrifice was made for the greater good.

We wanted her out of the house, didn't we? This has either k*lled her or scared her off.

You don't just do that to someone.

What kind of coward would push a lady out of the window? Now, steady on, Fanny.

No, I won't, because I was pushed.

You hear me? I was pushed.

And I have never told a soul.

It was my husband, George.



- I caught him upon the groundskeeper

- Good lord.

With the butler on him.



- Like a sandwich?

- A man

-wich.



- It's actually known as a Moroccan tea party.



- Guys! Clearly, he didn't trust me with his sordid little secret, so he just did away with me.

But he was wrong, wasn't he? He was very wrong.

Because I have kept it, haven't I? THEY MURMUR Until now.

Until now.

I mean, I did know that.



- I watched all of that.



- So did I.



- I wish I had watched it.



- Well, Fanny.

That must have been a terrible burden to bear for all those years.

Perhaps now that you've shared it, you'll be free of your nightly terrors.

Oh, do you suppose so? I'm sure of it.

FANNY SCREAMS Fanny! You see, Pat, what did I tell you? That's where talking gets you.



- Nowhere!

- It was silly of me to suggest it really.



- Lesson learnt.

What shall we do?

- I don't know.

I'm not going to spend eternity listening to that racket at the same time every night.



- It's worth a try.



- Ah.

Hah! JULIAN GRUNTS CLOCK CHIMES FANNY SCREAMS Much better.



- Morning.



- Morning.



- Good morning.



- Good day.

Finally.

Things can get back to normal around here.

TOILET FLUSHES Shift over.

Can't I lie down? I'm so tired.



- Poor you.



- It's all right for you.

You've been asleep for two weeks.



- It's called a coma.



- Induced coma.

Oh.



- You all right?

- Yeah.

I'm glad you didn't die.

Well, technically, I did for a bit.

Did I dream that house? I feel like I dreamt it all.

Oh.

Have you had the survey back? No.

No, not yet.

Hmm.

Now, have her face the right way, you want the end with the milk there, not the end for looking and chewing out of.

You want to take this finger and this finger, gently but quickly, and that releases a big squirt of the stuff.



- Good Lord.



- Chuck some of the muck out.

So, you can check then if the milk be smooth and white, not beige and lumpy.

Oh, my goodness.

They're coming back! What? Right, so you know how I said the survey hadn't come back? Oh, God.

What did it say? How does she seem? Is she OK? I don't know, they're not getting out of the carriage.

Well, there's good news and bad news.

OK, OK, OK.

Well

- Give me the good news

- The bad news is that the repairs are extensive, like, big structural stuff, plumbing, electrics, can't even begin to renovate this place without a huge amount of cash to do those things.



- OK.

Yeah

- So, the good news is I took out a loan!

- What?

- Yeah.

I took out a loan.

Some loans.

Paid some deposits.

Why didn't you tell me? Because I didn't want you to worry.

This is your dream, right? I'm going to do everything I can to make it come true.

CAR HORN BEEPS Oh, they're already here.

Come on, then.



- Hey.



- All right, mate.



- How you doing?

- Terry.

So, we're going to inspect the site, make it safe.

Everyone has to wear one of these for now.

Insurance reasons mainly, but, well, you just should.



- Cool.



- Cracking on, then.

Exciting, isn't it? Why don't you go and have a lie down and I'll grab your bags, yeah? You should be wearing a hard hat.

Button House reduced to a tawdry boarding house.

What will become of us? Oh, she spoke to me, she spoke to me, she saw me,

- she spoke to me.



- What? What the devil are you talking about? Oh, there you are.

I thought you were getting some rest.

No turning back now.



- What if we made a mistake?

- What? What if this was a bad idea and we should have just sold it? Don't say that.

This is a great idea.

It's going to take a lot of work, but we can do it.



- Mike.



- You're terrified, and I get it.

Mike.

I get it.

I'm scared too.

This house and what we're doing, it's a huge challenge and who knows what we're going to have to deal with on the way? But, in the end, we've got each other.

It's just us in this big old house.

There's nothing to be scared of, is there?

ALISON GASPS