05x02 - Home

[bunniefuu]

BABY STARTS CRYING

I got it. Oh!

THUD

HE GROANS

BABY KEEPS CRYING

I'm coming.

WHISPERING AND COOING

What the...?

Oh, my...

I can see you! You're Pat!

And you're the Captain!
BOTH: Mike.

You look just like your photos!

And that's what you look like.

Hi. I'm Robin.

I think someone needs a change,
Michael.

Oh, here.

It's OK. Daddy's here.

IN DEEP VOICE: You haven't even got
any nappies, Daddy.

Oh!

BABY CRIES

I've got it.

HE SIGHS

What I'm saying is,
you're not ready to be a dad.

Oh!

th-century, Chinese, hand-painted,

with these lovely, exotic motifs.

I can't stop looking at it.

Me neither.

..this wonderful ormolu base.
Mmm.

Well, it's one of our favourite
pieces.
That not baby.

That fish. He have gills.

If you had to
put a number on it...

Oh, at least , ...

..if it weren't cracked at the base.

Sadly, that rather puts it
in the hundreds.

But I presume
you wouldn't want to part

with your favourite piece.

No! No.

So, is it worth a lot?

Oh, well,
it's Wedgwood, bone china...

It's not really... Er, sorry.

That's just for the tea.

I meant the vase. Ah, yes.

That's also worthless.
How do they get the camera in there?

Well, cameras are
very small nowadays.

I imagine they just pop one on
the end of a tube and then...

Well, I...
I suspect... I suspect...

It's an ultrasound!

Margot had one.

Oh, right. What's that, then?

Well, it's, er...

Er...

I don't know, actually.
I wasn't there.

It's sound waves,
directed into the womb

to show the shape
of the baby in there.

Oh, right, so...

So, like sonar? Yes!

Huh! Oh, I don't know.

Why can't people wait
for their child to be born

before they take
photographs of it? Hmm?

Oh.

Are congratulations in order?

Mmm. Yeah. Yeah, thanks.

Well, I see why you're looking
to sell a few things, then.

Yeah.

Expensive things, kids.

I mean, cots, car seats,
buggies, toys...

And they grow out of
their shoes every two weeks!

Then, of course, there's
childcare costs soon after...

I wish I could give you
a more positive appraisal,

I really do,

but your most valuable ceramic
is damaged.

The taxidermy
is not a genuine Gerrard.

One of your portraits
is fire-damaged.

And to say that restoration
is shoddy...

Well, I wouldn't say it's that...
No, no. Trust me. It's awful.

Shockingly bad.

Criminal.

Anyway, I'll send you
a full inventory,

but, honestly,
I wouldn't get too excited.

We understand.
Thank you for your time.

Oh, good luck with the little one.

OK. Thanks.

Thanks again.

Right. What did he say?

Cots, car seats,
buggies, toys...

Maybe my sister will give us
some of Nancy's old stuff.

SHE SIGHS

Oh, my gosh, what's the matter?

Oh, no. God, no, Kitty, no.
It's, um...

It's the pregnancy. I thought you
were happy about the baby.

No, it's... It's a symptom.

Like, um... Like...
Like morning sickness.

I just... I keep tearing up
over stupid things.

I cried about hair this morning.

BOTH CHUCKLE

What are the other symptoms?
Er...

Apart from being overly emotional...
I'm forgetful.

I can't concentrate on anything.

Oh, and then there's
the food aversions.

What? What's that?

I can't eat things
that I used to be able to eat.

Oh, my... It's all right.

It's all a natural part of
pregnancy.

I'm...pregnant...

Alison! Thomas.

I'm not going anywhere.

Um... I'm not going anywhere.

I want to be part
of the child's life.

I'll stick by you
and the wee bairn.

"The wee bairn"?

It's Scottish.
It means little baby.

Yeah, I know what it means. I just
don't know why you're saying it.

I'm Scottish. What?

IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: Oh, aye.

As Scottish as the bonny heather.
Oh.

IN NORMAL ACCENT: Anyway, I just
wanted you to know

that you and the bairn are the most
important thing now.

Nothing else matters.

Thank you. And while I've got you,
have you heard anything

from the publishers?
I haven't. Sorry.

Not even Random House?

Methuen?

Macmillan?

Pan Macmillan?

Penguin?
Faber & Faber?

Oh, give the poor woman
a break, Thomas! She wants to help.

Face it, you couldn't even
get published in the local rag! Ha!

THOMAS GASPS

I can hardly apply
for a journalistic post

when I've been dead
for years!

Hey, there's a poetry corner,
and anyone can submit.

Yeah. It says the deadline
is the th.

Then I shall submit
a masterpiece by the th.

What's today?

The th.

Fine. Good. Excellent.

" words on the theme of home."

Hmm.

Good luck. Hmm.

words, eh?

I could fill a book
writing about Yorkshire.

Oh, here he goes! The rolling dales,
puddings and pies.

And the people...

Well...best folk on Earth.

Any excuse to bang on
about Yorkshire.

And why not?
God's Own Country, mate.

You lived in Reading!
I had to move for the bank.

Exactly! You had to move for
employment,

which was all too scarce
in the North...

Well, now... ..a fact you
conveniently seem to ignore.

It's only cos your lot
shut everything down

or sold it to your mates!
Oh, yeah, you want a go?

I'll go! Steady, now. Steady.

I'll show you! Steady now!

ALISON SIGHS

She's having another baby,

so we can't have the baby
stuff. Can you believe that?

Did you say congratulations?

I'll text her.

Could you get me some water? Yeah.

How much are buggies, anyway?

Oh, my...! Look at that.
If I didn't already feel sick,

that would make me feel sick.

I sold our last car
for less than that.

This is actually starting
to worry me now.

I mean, I know we've had
our cash flow issues,

but this is...

How can we have all this land
and nothing to sell?

Yeah, it's fine,

if you don't mind walking three
miles to the local post office.

Oh, well, you would say that,
wouldn't you,

with your London shoes
and your London hair!

Beats your Carlisle combover!
Ooh!

Yeah. Excuse me. I just need
to lie down for a bit...

Yeah, I was here first.
..because I'm pregnant.

PAT: He's never tried
stew and dumplings!

Ghosts can't get pregnant.
Trust me.

Well, I am, so...

PAT: Blue collar...

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Oh!

ARGUMENT CONTINUES

Thank you.

PAT: ..Canterbury, or whatever it
is!

See? Now that the gatehouse
is gone,

if we just move the driveway,

that's a huge plot. You're a genius.

It must be worth loads,
and it's got no value to us.

It's just a bit of land. Hmm.

Do you think
we can just sell it?

I'll call the solicitor.

Just a bit of land? Oh, no.

It may be worthless
to you, Alison,

but may I remind you,
you're not the only people

who live on this estate. I didn't...

And I imagine the others
will have a thing or two to say

about your plan to carve up

and sell off the only home
they have! Hmm!

Home. Home. Home...

Where do I start?

When I roam...

Wheresoe'er I roam...

..nowhere is quite like home.

Rubbish! Excrement!

Thomas! They're selling off the
land,

right from under our noses!

They're scheming it
as we speak!

Damn their eyes!

My thoughts exactly.

It's just such a broad theme,
home.

Home as in home county.
Home as in your house.

It's nigh on impossible
to know where to begin.

Did you hear me, Thorne?

I said they're selling the land!

The whole stretch, right from
the west border to the lane.

Oh, well, is that a good bit?

"Is it a good bit"?
I never really go there.

Have you never stood
to regard our home

from its farthest corner?

The long grass shimmers
in the sunlight

as the wind combs through the fields
like gentle waves...

BIRDSONG

..in a great calm sea of green.

Would you really want our home
to be without it? Hmm?

Thomas?

Well, perhaps the others
will appreciate the gravity

of this gross betrayal! Hmm!

The long grass shimmers
in the sunlight

as the wind combs
through the fields

like gentle waves
in a great calm sea of green.

Perfect stuff!

Huddersfield Town! Chelsea FC!

Chelsea? Who are they?

Attention, everybody!

I have just heard
directly from Alison

that she and Michael
are planning to sell the land.

Yes!

To Lord knows who!

Lord Knowswho?

From the west border all the
way to the lane. That's right!

Carving up
and cashing in on our home!

Who Lord Knowswho?

Sorry, what land is that?

From the west border to the lane.

It's not my favourite bit.
Don't really go there.

Oh, er, I go for my morning
walk through there.

Well, you still can.

Oh, yes, I suppose you're right.

The afterlife is not bound
by freehold agreements.

LAUGHTER

Good one, Cap!
It doesn't concern you

that they're handing over a piece of
this historic estate?

Well, they need money for baby.

Robin's right.

And I can tell you that the
urge to provide for your baby

is incredibly strong.

It's called nesting.

Isn't that right, Robin?

Oh, I don't know. I suppose.

Well, you're no use!

They'll probably fetch a pretty
penny. Good location, you see.

Land is very valuable...down here.
Oh!

You think it's all about
numbers, do you?

Well, there are some things you
can't put a price on, sonny Jim!

A way of life.
Playing with a straight bat.

Ah, yes, well, I certainly agree
when it comes to values...

JULIAN: Don't side with him!

Congratulations.

Thank you. Thanks.

Boy or girl, do you know?

No, we don't yet.
But I don't think we will.

I mean we will, obviously,
eventually.

Yeah. We just don't want any
spoilers. Yeah. Er... Mm-hm-hm.

Yeah.

If it's a girl,
there's St Gilda's.

Excellent secondary down the road.

OK. If it's a boy?

I don't actually know. Hmm.

Anyway, you wanted
to talk about a land sale?

Yeah. Well, we...
We didn't know how it works,

but, basically, since
the gatehouse burnt down,

we've got this whole stretch
of land

that we're not doing anything with.

Yes, the loss of the gatehouse
does make it all rather...neat.

No, what? That's not...

It was a genuine accident.

Oh, yes, of course.

Anyway, the headline is,
yes, you can sell the land.

Great. Yes!

But it's greenbelt land,
so it can't be built up.

You wouldn't be able to sell it
to a housing developer,

so it does rather limit
your options.

Oh, well...what else is there?
That's a good question.

Park? Parks don't make
that much money.

Jurassic Park did.
The park or the film?

Well, the film made loads.

The park would have if
the dinosaurs hadn't escaped.

I am not sure that's one of your
options.

OK. Yes. Er, OK. What else
doesn't need a building?

Um... Cemetery!

Are you kidding?

Go-karting? Could be.

Look, why don't I put you in
touch with a land sales agent

and you can take it from there?

OK. Yeah.

All right. Yeah. Lovely.

Plans for the rest of the day?
Oh, just going to go...

Go and look at pushchairs and
car seats while we're in town.

Oh. Yeah.

Wensleydale! Oh...

Ooh, yes, that is nice,
but, hello, what's this coming?

Cheddar, anyone?

Ooh!
Ah, that's very good.

Oh!

PAT: Yeah. No, I'll admit
I do like a bit of cheddar.

Harder. OK.

Ow!

Softer! Sorry!

Oh!

Big Ben! Oh, yes.

Blackpool Tower! Oh, marvellous.

Could you get me
a glass of water?

Well, I'm dead, so...

Any time I need anything,
you're dead!

Sorry. I am trying to help!

No, I'm sorry. It's not me.
It's the hormones.

Oh, my gosh! I felt the baby kick.

ALL: Really?

Yes! Captain, come and feel.

Well, I... I...

Quickly! All right.

Can't do any harm, I suppose.
Can you feel that?

Yes...?

The Stones!

The Beatles! Agh!

Les Dawson. Jim Davidson! Uhh!

What is this ruckus?
I'm trying to work!

Jane Austen!

Emily Bronte! Eh, Thomas?

What?

They've got themselves into
something of a territorial dispute

over the merits of North and South.

Thomas is with me. Aren't you,
Thomas?

Hardly. I'm Scottish.

ALL: What?

No, you're not, are you?
I most certainly am.

Balderdash! Haud yer wheesht!

IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: I'm as Scottish
as shortbread in a tartan tin, sir!

IN NORMAL VOICE:
Now, if you'll excuse me...

Vimto!

I'll take this stuff upstairs.

My goodness! When is it due?

He's been stress-shopping.

Did you want me
to take down your poem?

Can you just give me a minute?
I just need to sit down.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That's fine.

I've a few finishing touches
to apply, anyway, so...

It's just that it needs to be
submitted online by pm...

Five?! Hmm.

No...problem at all.

Not a very problem...

All right. ..to do that.

HE GASPS

TEDDY SQUEAKS

Ooh.

SQUEAK

Whoa!

BELL TOLLS

Right...

Fanny?

I say! Fanny?

Fanny?

BIRDSONG

JULIAN: St Paul's Cathedral.
York Minster.

I don't know what you're doing,

but can you do it somewhere else?
I need some quiet.

Oh, totally. Me too.
Yes, of course, Alison.

Right. Come along. Let's take
this outside. Come on.

Coronation Street.
Howard's Way.

Howard's what?

SHE SIGHS

Why is this...?

HE GRUMBLES

What are you doing?

Why don't they do stairgates
big enough?

Because most people
don't live in mansions.

Discrimination!

What have we got in the, um...

..fridge?

Off we go.

KITTY: If it's a girl, I'm thinking
Hope, Destiny,

Glitter or Sparkle.

And if it boy?

Clive. Hmm.

Wait a minute.

If ghosts can have babies,
I'd have, like...

..a lot of babies.
And I don't, so...

Well, then...

You stay how you die. Hmm.

So I must have been pregnant
all along.

I'm just forever pregnant!

So...this...

..for ever?

Looks like it. Yeah.

Yeah, no, I can't help you
with that.

I give you seat, I rub
your feet, but that's it!

I'm a lone wolf.

I got to follow my own path,
baby.

It's just you and me now, Rainbow.

BIRDSONG

WIND BLOWS GENTLY

Ah, Fanny!

What a surprise.

I see you've come
to bask in the majesty

of your treasured estate.

Something like that.

Yes, it is lovely.
Makes you think.

What does it make you think,
specifically?

Well, it's changed
over the years.

Yes. But how?

If you were to put it into words?

Oh, I don't know!

PAT: Fred Trueman! David Gower!
Yorkshire pudding! Cornish pasties!

Eccles cake! Chelsea buns!
Oh, this is making me hungry.

BOTH: Fish and chips!

As if you southern softies... I'm
not giving you them,

you northern monkey! Now, then. Now,
then. Then, now. Now, then. Now!

I have sampled the finest cod
from Whitby

and a particularly memorable
place on Brighton beach,

where I had a haddock.

So you're both right.

BOTH: Hmm.

Why spend all this energy
on your differences, hmm?

To what end?

Now, I want to tell you
about a chap in my regiment.

Name of Dixon.

He was from Salford.

Transferred to us
just before w*r broke out.

Yes, he was different,

but he was just as prepared to
fight as the rest of the boys,

and they treated him
no differently.

North and South, we all stood
shoulder to shoulder

in the face of a common enemy.

Now, was it Salford
or...Salisbury?

No, actually, it was Salisbury.

Bu-bu-bu-bu...! No, no,
but the point still stands.

Why focus on what divides us

when the fact is, we have the most
important thing of all in common -

we are all British.

What is British?

It's the soil we stand on, man!

Our history.

These British Isles.

Well, it wasn't always
an island, for a start.

I mean...I walked here.

You know,
when I first come here,

we didn't even have names
for places.

We have no map.

No-one draw line
on a picture and say,

"This my bit, that your bit."

No-one said, "Oh, this is
the king. They're in charge."

Or, "This is my flag.
It's better than your flag."

These are all just...

..stories we tell...

..when really...

...it all just...man...

..another man.

My goodness, Robin.

Wow.
Certainly makes a good point. Yes.

Why should we fight each other

when we're just people,
in the end?

Even the Germans.

ROBIN: Yeah. Although if other tribe
come too close,

we s*ab them with spears.

Oh, flipping heck.
Oh, that's lovely.

Now that I think about it,
Julian,

I love me Watney's.

And that were brewed in London.

So, fair play.

And I had some pretty
good times up in the North. Oh!

Grouse sh**ting on the moors.
Ho-ho!

Lovely birds up there.

And the grouse weren't bad either!

BOTH LAUGH

Ha! Ha-ha!

Ah, yes, of course.

The trees, they're...beautiful,
aren't they?

Aren't they? Yes.

I used to walk Dante along there.

Hmm. How about the gate?

Its ironwork?

Yes. Jenkins polished it every
Sunday.

Or the walled garden,
with its flowers and statues?

And, I mean, the house itself!

The way it stands there!

You must have so much to say
about it all, this home.

Do you know?

I'm not sure those things really do
add up to a home at all.

All of my memories
are about the people.

George, Dante...

And, of course, my new family.

HAPPY CHATTER

Flowers die, the trees fall.

The house can change
brick by brick

until nothing of the original
remains.

Everything changes.

So, home is not
the walls or the gardens.

Home is the souls
within those walls.

..within those walls.

Home is the memories

made on this spot.

Home is not a place.

Home is a feeling.

Wow, Thomas.

I think
that's your best poem yet.

One more revision?

We need to get this away
in the next minute.

It's just a couple of words.

I just had a call from that sales
agent. Yeah?

Golf. He says there's a golf
consortium who've been looking

in this area for somewhere to build
a golf course,

and he thinks our land
could be the answer.

Yes! It could be great.

Yeah, well,
let's see what they say.

By the way, baby name-wise, we need
to make a decision for this form.

Hmm? For a Junior ISA.
Did you have a favourite?

I mean, if we put something
gender-neutral,

we could get the paperwork
done.

Are you...? I'll just put Billy.
Yeah.

And then if they don't like it
when they're older,

they can just change it, can't they?

Mike, we're not naming our baby
now for the sake of a form.

It's not just a form.
It's for a university fund.

Mike, we're not giving birth
to an undergraduate.

It is currently the size
of a Brussels sprout.

Yeah, but, we...

Mike... Mike, I know you're
worried about being a good dad,

and I love you for that.

But you're not a dad yet.

You're a husband
to a pregnant wife.

And if you really want to show
how much you care,

you can stop planning our Brussels
sprout's higher education

and plan our dinner.

OK. Yeah? What do you want to eat?
Nothing with Brussels sprouts.

We don't have any Brussels sprouts.
Good.

Is mine the size of a Brussels
sprout?

Your what? My baby.

Your what? I'm pregnant, Alison.

I've got all the symptoms
you mentioned.

I get emotional
at the tiniest things.

Talk about food aversions!

I haven't eaten a thing for ages.

I even get sore boobs,
like you said the other day.

Oh, Kitty, I think... Robin said
that ghosts can't get pregnant,

so I must have been pregnant
before I d*ed.

Kitty... Just promise me that if
yours is a girl, you won't name it

Sparkle, Destiny
or Destiny Diamonds,

because those are taken.

OK, Kitty, I don't...
I don't think you're pregnant.

I'm sorry.

You're emotional because
you're an emotional person,

and you haven't eaten
because...you can't.

And your boobs probably hurt

because you've been wearing
a corset for nearly years.

Well, those might be coincidences.

Yeah. OK. Well, OK.

Who...?
Who would the father be?

Um...

Because we did talk about this. You
remember?

To get pregnant, you need to...

What?

And everyone who has children
has done that?

Hmm...mostly.

You all right? Yes, thank you.

ALISON: It got published!

"Home is the memories
made on this spot.

"Home is not a place.

"Home is a feeling."

I must admit, I'm surprised.

"By Stephanie Button"!

Credit where it's due.

Beautiful, Fanny. Thank you.

You should do more.
Oh, no, not for me.

Right. Come along.
Time for drama club.

Yes!
Yes, today, stage combat!

You can sell the land, Alison,

with my blessing.

It'll still be home.

Thank you. Come along, Fanny. Looks
like it might become a golf course.

FANNY: Oh!

THOMAS: Golf? Invented in Scotland.
What?

JULIAN: The best courses are in
Kent.

CAPTAIN GROANS

PAT: Birkdale. Hoylake.
JULIAN: Royal St George's.

Now, steady on, steady, steady...

ARGUMENT CONTINUES