05x04 - En Francais

[bunniefuu]

Thick pea soup,
spreadable turkey paste,

one tin of corned beef,
two cubes of meat broth,

five boiled sweets, one...

Ooh, actually, have we got
any boiled sweets?

I think I'm craving pear drops.

You're joking? I only just got back

from getting you
that watermelon.

I thought I fancied it.
What do you want?

A square of chocolate,
four dry biscuits...

BOTH: ..and a packet of oatmeal.

It's a ration pack.
It's always a ration pack.

Well, it would keep you going
for hours,

more if you ration it.

You'd ration a ration pack?
Yeah.

KITTY: I'm so bored of Food Club.

It's always the same -
egg atop a cutlet.

Bum and chips.

Ooh.
Liquid lunch.

Heyyy!

Go on, then. How much
was a pint in your day?

Oh, for the plebs - £ . .

Commons members' bar -
pence, sir.

What? Oh, God, I like the
sound of that members' bar.

Yeah, you should do.
You paid for it.

CHUCKLING

Sorry, are we still playing
Food Club,

or shall I just whip out
the Cock Soc?

Oh, Cocktail Society!

ROBIN: No, no, no, no.
FANNY: Not that again.

How about a nice round of
Grandmother Went To The Shop?

Boring!

ALL GROAN

This not boring.

First , years were boring.

He's right.
Yeah.

It's going to be
a very long eternity

if we're already bored
of everything.

Oh, what are we going to do?

Bored of everything! Ah!

PAT: Guys, it's fine.

We just need to think
of some fun new pastimes

to while away the...

Oh, I've got one.

You commit a m*rder.

BOTH: Happens.

The judge throws the book at you.

A life sentence? Death sentence.

GASPS

The gallows await.

What...

..would be your last meal?

ALL: Well, that's just Food Club!

Je voudrais un cafe noir, s'il vous
plait.

Et un croissant pour ma soeur.

OK. For the last time, you don't
need to learn French.

She's bringing an interpreter.

Yeah, but she'll like
that I've made an effort.

She'll think it's...
..trezz bien.

All right, listen to me.

The only reason they'd send
the head of the company,

the big cheese... Grand fromage.
Stop it!

...is so that she can sign off
on the plot, which means

that this golf course deal
is in the bag.

As long as we don't come
across as insane.

OK? So there's no need
for grand gestures

or the hard sell
or to speak French.

We just need to seem like
nice, normal people

you want to do business with.

Oh, speaking of business...

No.
No, no. Hear me out.

So if this land deal goes
through...

Mm.

..then we get some money.
That's it.

It's a one-time thing. But...

..what if there was a way to
keep some incoming income...

..coming in?

Yeah! Now you're interested.
I'm not. I'm absolutely not.

It was something you said,
actually.

Well, you said Julian said.

A members' bar. Hmm?

Look, with the gatehouse gone,

we've got the old breakfast room
and office doing nothing,

so why not lease it
to the golf club

as a members' bar, which we run?

Then the income from that
pays for us to live

in the rest of the house.

OK. That is actually
not a bad idea.

Right? It's a win-win.

But now is not the time to be
throwing in curveballs.

OK? We just need
to get the deal on the table

signed and sealed,

and then we can talk about
this bar idea tomorrow.

But she's coming today,

and this might be my last chance
to pitch this tete-a-tete.

Please. Please,
I am begging you

as your loving, full-of-baby wife,

no curveballs, no French,
no pitching mad ideas.

Not today. OK?

INHALES

Je ne comprends pas.

Oy.

Je n'aime pas
la musique moderne.

Ou habites-tu, mademoiselle?

Well, we could at least try it.

We talked about this.

Sitting in silence
is not a pastime.

Ou est la gare,
s'il vous plait?

Je pense que la gare
principale est proche d'ici,

dans le village a cote, je crois,

mais tu devrais
demander a ta femme.

FOOTSTEPS DEPART

What?

You speak French.

Bah, oui, je me defends.

So I said to him,

"Give me one good reason why I
should not run you through."

To which he replied,

"I shall give you two!

"One, because I know you to
be a patient man.

"And as for the second...

.."I shall tell you tomorrow."

LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY

BOTH LAUGH

HEAVENLY MUSIC

Onward, Rohr.

Ever onward!

Will...

MELANCHOLY MUSIC

DOOR OPENS

Bone Hall. Quoi?

Too grand to sit idle.

rooms. acres.

A home befitting the
bloodline. Ha!

My gift to the bride and groom.
What say you?

She said it looks so perfect
she could not wait to explore.

Ha! You hear that, Humphrey?

Je n'aime pas ca ici.

Je ferai retraite a ma chambre
a la maison.

Je ne veux pas rester ici.

What'd you say?

I said, "You're a dark horse."

Un noir cheval.

Oh!

Un cheval sombre.

Yeah.

Hey! You speak your second language
better than your first.

LAUGHS

I had a good teacher.

Right, where were we?

Staring into the abyss
of eternity.

Is there a way to watch This Morning
from the very beginning?

The abyss deepens.

No, it should be
something active,

some sort of game.

Or we could put on a show.

There are shows on television.

No, it should be a game.

No, let's put on a show.
Television.

Game.
Show.

Television! Game.

Show.
Television.

Game. Show.

Television.
Game!

Show!

WHIMPERS

..et une si belle campagne.

And a very, very beautiful
countryside.

Oh, yeah.
Well, we're very lucky.

Oui, nous avons
beaucoup de chance.

Oh, this is my husband, Mike.

Et voici mon mari, Mike.

Mike. Sabine.
Hello. Hi.

Bonjour.

Bonjour. Bonjour. Hello.

Bonjour. Hello.

Oh, and bonjour to you.

Et bonjour a vous. Hein?

No, that was...
That was for you.

Non, non, c'etait pour vous.
Oui, bonjour?

Yes, hello.
No, for you, that one.

OK. So shall we go and see
this golf course, then?

On va regarder le terrain de golf?

Ah, oui.

Est-ce que je peux
laisser ca la-bas?

SABINE: Donc, d'abord il faut...

Why are you being so weird?
I'm not being weird.

He's being weird.
He repeats everything.

That's his job. And can you
stop speaking French?

Why?
Because that's also his job.

And you promised.

No, I didn't.
Well, promise now.

What's in the bag?
Promise and I'll tell you.

Tell me and I'll promise. Don't you
play that game with me.

Well, just show me that...

Are we...? Yeah. Yeah. Coming.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Bizarre.

PAT HUMS THE TUNE
TO BLANKETY BLANK

# Blankety blank
Blankety blank

# Boom-boom

# Blankety blank
Blankety blank!

# Boom-boom! #

And joining us
on the panel tonight...

# Blankety blank... #

Stephanie Button,
Katherine Higham,

Humphrey Bowen,

Thomas Thorne,

Robin...Robin

and the rest of Humphrey Bowen.

PAT IMITATES DRUM ROLL

# Blankety blank! #

Hello and welcome
to Blank Or Blanks.

PAT: Blankety Blank!
Boom-boom.

Robin!
No. Yeah.

A missing-word game, apparently,

requiring of two antagonists

who will now
identify themselves.

Patrick, your name and rank,
please.

Hello. I'm Pat Butcher,
originally from Huddersfield,

and in my spare time I lead
an adventure youth group.

Very good.
And Pat's enemy tonight is...

CLEARS THROAT: Julian Fawcett,

former politician (disgraced),

and in my spare time

I like wine, women and song.

Although I'm not so bothered
about the song.

LAUGHTER

Very good. Very good.

On to round one.

CLEARS THROAT

No-one was harmed
during the training exercise

because the Lee-Enfield r*fles
were all loaded with...

..blanks.

Right... No.

No? No.

The missing word can't
actually be the word blank.

You say, "blank", to show
where the missing word is

and then we have to guess
what it might be.

And perhaps, you know,

make the questions
a little bit more fun,

you know, and maybe a bit saucy.

Oh, yeah.

Saucy?
Yeah.

You know, like...

Aunt Jenny's cakes
were the pride of the county.

Everyone loved her floury baps.

But the stars of the show were
her cream-covered blanks.

Oh, good one, Pat. No! No, no,
no. I mean, that's just bordering...

No, no. I will not debase myself
with cheap double entendre.

Fanny. Come on, Fanny.

Come on.

Hey, I know.

How about a bit of Bully?

Is that a sentence?

A bit of Bullseye.

It's like a TV quiz show
with darts.

I used to love it
back in the day.

I'm a big fan of the arrows.

This was before.

No, it wouldn't work.
How do we pick up the darts?

Oh, let's hear your idea, then.

Or are we just going
to spend eternity

twiddling our thumbs?

Oh! What was the one we
saw where you got points

for getting less points?

I think it was called Less Points.

No, you need points
or what's the point?

If I'm playing, I want the best
answer on the board.

Oh! I know what we could try.

HUMPHREY'S HEAD:
It was her, wasn't it?

Eh?
Your French teacher.

It was my wife.

What if it was?

Knew it. How long was this going on,
eh?

Don't know. How long you
live at the house?

All that time?

Did you ever think how that
would make me feel?

No.

Unbelievable!

I can't even look at you
right now.

BIRDSONG

CHUCKLING

KNOCK ON DOOR

Ah. Afternoon.

I wonder if I might have a
word with my wife, please.

Of course, my lord.

Depuis quand
est-ce qu'il m'ecoute?

HUSHED CHATTER

Oui?
Ah, Sophie. My... Hello.

My father is having a banquet.

Well, not a banquet as such,

but a...a social thing
that's important

for his standing in the...
Pardon?

Well, for his standing.

And he's asked
if we could be there,

you know, show our faces.

Lentement.

So I was thinking
downstairs at three.

It should be fun.
Well, it might be.

Well, not fun as such,
but certainly...bearable.

I believe
there'll be drinks and nibbles.

SIGHS

BOTH SIGH

Homme.
INDISTINCT CHATTER

Homme.

Homme. Ah.

SABINE: Et la frontiere, elle est
juste derriere cette haie?

And the border is just
beyond the hedge, yes?

Yeah, that's where our land
joins with our neighbour's,

who I believe you've met?
Mr Beg-Chetwynde?

Oui, Monsieur
Beg-Chetwynde.

Oh, yes, Mr Beg-Chetwynde.

BOTH: Yeah...
Oui, oui.

Oui. Yes.

Yeah. Oui.

Oui? Yes?

Yes. Oui.

Act normal.
Stop saying yes.

Tell him to stop saying yes.

Je trouve ca bizarre.

This would be a lot easier
if he wasn't here.

Peut-etre c'est normal ici.

Oui, it's a good - bien -
space - espace.

GARION CONTINUES TRANSLATING

But perhaps a long journee
from le clubhouse...

Right, I can't concentrate
if you're going to keep...

CONTINUES TRANSLATING
Don't tell her that. Stop it.

Stop it. Mike!

You'd be a long way
from refreshments out here.

Vous serez loin
des "refreshments"...

Ah! Which is why...

Which is why any decent golfer
learns to think ahead.

C'est pourquoi un bon golfeur
y reflechit en avance.

And what finer spot
for a nice cup...

..of English tea?

C'est un bon endroit pour boire
une tasse de the a l'anglaise.

Ah, du the. Parfait.
Please, allow me.

For you.

And there you go.

Got to keep hydrated.

All that talking.

CONTINUES POURING TEA

There we go.

OK. Round two, then.

Fingers on buzzers.

We asked three and a bit people

to name something
that could k*ll you.

IMITATING BUZZER

Your secretary.

Sorry, Julian. You have to
buzz before you...

Your secretary? How would your
secretary k*ll...?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah!

I'm sorry, Julian.
You have to buzz first. OK?

So, Kitty, could you please
name something

that might k*ll you?

A cloud.
Right.

Would a cloud k*ll you?

Yes, if you fell from it.

Right. Just, you know,

maybe thinking for a moment
about people you know.

And are there any other
causes of death

that might be more likely
to be on the board?

Yes. Sorry. How silly of me.

Kicked by a horse.

Kicked by a horse. OK. Yeah.

Kitty's saying,
"Kicked by a horse."

And our survey says...

No! Nuh, nah!

I'm sorry, Kitty.
It's not up there.

But that's what k*lled my cousin.

That's a fact.

That's as may be, but that's not
what the rules of the game are.

Well, then it's a stupid game,
and I'm not playing.

Oh, well, then
we're back to square one.

Unless...

Facts.

Cold, hard facts.

More tea?

Encore de the?

Non, merci.

And would your interpreter
like more tea?

Um...
Yeah. Rude not to.

Very British.

Oh. Mm.

Yes. Yes.

Alors... C'est tout.
Oui, oui, oui.

QUIZ SHOW THEME

And your chosen
specialist subject is?

Allied tanks
and amphibious landing craft,

to .

Well, this isn't going to work,
is it?

What? Don't know anything
about that.

Well, you lot wanted
something more factual.

Well, I could provide
some questions.

I know a fair deal
about the subject.

Well, that completely
defeats the object.

Clearly, the issue here
is the topic.

We need something
more widely known.

A subject seared into
the popular imagination.

Name?

Thomas Angus Thorne.

And your chosen
specialist subject is?

th-century Romantic poets.

Oh, come off it!

It wasn't, um, you know,
with Sophie.

I know. It's just...

years of marriage,
we barely shared a meal,

while you two were BFFs.

Booffs?

Best friends forever.

Not forever.

I did try, you know,

in my marriage.

Tu parles...

..mais tu n'ecoutes pas.

What?

You talk, you not listen.

Oh, so now you're a better
listener than me, huh?

I could only listen.

I was dead.

COUGHING

BOTH CHUCKLE

SHE COUGHS

BREATHES UNSTEADILY

GROANS SOFTLY

HEAVENLY MUSIC

Just wanted to say how very sorry

I and indeed the entire household
was...were

to hear of the passing of your dear
and devoted nursemaid

after all this time... Oh.

Yeah.
So you've seen everything.

That brings us back to the...

Oh! Back door's open.

It's probably easier
to just cut through.

GARION SPEAKS FRENCH

Hmm. Look at this!

Wow.

What's in...here?

Oh, look.

Le cocktails.

Why not? Parfait spot for it. Hmm?

Les cocktails.
C'est l'endroit parfait, non?

LOUDLY POURS WINE

Um...
You all right, Garion?

Um...

It must be all the tea, huh?

Oh.

Oh.
No worries.

We'll show you to the toilet.
Yeah.

Yeah. OK, fine.
Yeah. This way.

Now, Sabine,
while we have une moment...

Merci.

...allow me to introdu-ire you
to a petite idea of moi.

"Si notre vie est moins
qu'une journee."

BANGING AND CLATTERING

SHOUTING

Well, go!

SOLDIER: Harder!

GRUNTING

LOUD BANGING

HUMPHREY SHOUTS

I might say I did that.
I would.

CREAKING

Hmm.

See, this is why I won't have
swords in the house.

Yeah...
INDISTINCT CHATTER

Bad day?

HUMPHREY SCREAMS

Do you miss her?

I miss a lot of people.

But more come along.

I am also nodding.

Oh.

Would you teach me
a bit of French?

I mean, I picked up a little, but...

Would you listen?

I'll try.

OK.

So...

Je m'appelle Ro...bin.
Je m'appelle...

I'm just saying,
Mastermind could still work.

We just need to ditch
the specialist subject round

and then each pitch in with
a couple of easy questions

all about our own eras
and interests.

And then I think between us,

we'd have a pretty rad
general knowledge round.

But I won't know anything
about events that happened

when you were alive.
I'd been dead for decades.

Oh, yes. Hmm.

So it might work

if we asked questions
to someone from now.

Yeah. So it's just...
It's just this way.

Oh! Merci!

Merci. Thank you.

Alison, can we borrow you
for two minutes?

Literally two minutes.
I'm actually quite busy, Pat.

GARION URINATES LOUDLY

OK,
that is a full-on horse wee.

So, trust me, we've got time.
Please.

Two minutes.

Quoi?

OK. OK. Got it. Quick as you can.

JULIAN: Right. Two minutes
on general knowledge,

and your time starts...

..now! What type of aircraft
flew alongside

the famous Spitfire
in the Battle of Britain?

Alison?

Danny DeVito.

Egg. Eggs.

Cheddar Gorge.

?

The metric system.

A toenail?

Um... Bananarama.

Que se passe-t-il avec ces gens?

A wedge of lime?

Um...

And ma femme and moi...
could run it all for you.

Vous. Pour vous.

Ca a l'air de pouvoir marcher.

Is bonne idee. Good?

Oh, OK. Yeah.

With no passes,
Alison Cooper,

you scored points,

which, in the absence
of any other player,

I suppose makes you our champion.

Oh, bravo.

Well, thanks, guys.
Pop my prize in the post.

Oh, yeah.

Oh! Will there be prizes?

Oh, yes. You get a trophy.
A big glass one.

And on Blankety Blank, you
get a chequebook and pen,

and you could win all sorts
on Bully.

Yeah.

You could win a caravan
or a speedboat

or just a lovely hamper.

Oh, all right!

And what would one get
in this hamper?

Well, that would depend.

Garion?

Et voila.

Sometimes known as
the Envy Martini,

but today let's just call it
the Perfect Green.

Ah! Je comprends!
Comme au golf!

Golf, yeah.

BOTH LAUGH

Sante! Ah.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah, I can picture it now.

Le golfers stood at le bar.

GAGGING

Ordering their Parfait Vert.

Drinking in the tres jolie...

CHOKING

Oh, my God!
Sabine, what is it?

What?
Allergie aux noix.

Allergy to what?

Mm...
Oh, nuts.

Oh, the hazelnut liqueur!

Oh, no.

Mes medicaments...

Oh, this is a good
learning moment.

Je vous en prie!
Mes medicaments!

Oh, I don't know.
It's a bit advanced.

ROBIN: You got this.

Oh, my God. What did you do?

She's allergic to nuts.
Call an ambulance!

Mes medicaments!

M-Medicine? Oui.

Dans la poche
de mon sac a main!

What's she saying?
I don't know.

I started learning French
this morning.

Qu'est-ce que c'est la poche?

Oh, Garion.

Poche? Pocket?

Tres bien.
Mais ou est la poche?

C'est quoi, un sac a main?

Robin, you speak French?

Un moment, s'il vous plait.
Tell me what she's saying.

Sac a main. Robin!

Main sac... Handbag. The medicine's
in the pocket of her handbag!

Oui! The medicine's in the pocket
of her handbag.

OK. OK. Tres bien!

Good. Well done.

I found it.

SABINE GROANS

Well done.

Thank you.

Don't thank me.

Merci, Sophie.

Merci. Merci beaucoup.

And she said...
Yeah. We've got it.

You're welcome.

I'm sorry again about the...

CHUCKLES: Je vous contacterai.

She said she will...
Be in touch, yeah.

Yes. Thank you.

Merci.

We'll see you.

Thanks, Robin.
Pas de probleme.

See? She loves us.
She does.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

I think a little drink
might be in order.

Maybe a cocktail in the bar.

Well, yeah, it'll have to be
a lime and soda for me, sadly,

though I could m*rder
a White Russian.

JULIAN: Well done, Pat.

I wasn't sure about
this whole game show thing,

but d'you know what, it's been
a really welcome change.

Now, in my dream Bullseye hamper,

I would have
some thick pea soup,

spreadable turkey paste,

a tin of corned beef,

two cubes of meat broth...