14x04 - Running Down a Gene

[bunniefuu]

[GENE GROANING]

[HUMMING]

[GASPS]

Good morning, family.

Someone's in a good mood.

Gene, you got a real
spring in your sneaker.

- And a stench in his bench.
- Thank you.

So, you know how I signed up

for the Ultimate Online
Songwriting Showdown?

Online songwriting contest.

That's probably how
the Beatles got started.

Mm-hmm. Well, last night in my dream,

I wrote the perfect song
from beginning to end,

and I'm gonna submit it.

- Wow. Really?
- Yeah.

Turns out my subconscious
is super helpful.

- And I'm assuming also super tan.
- That's great.

- How does the song go?
- Yeah. Give us a taste.

[VOCALIZING]

Uh... oh, my god, I can't remember!

Wait. [VOCALIZES]

No, that's not it. sh**t.

Didn't you have that other
song you were working on?

The one about zebras
wearing bras or something?

"Brazebras"? Ah, I don't
like that one anymore.

It's too mainstream.

You also had that one
about what it would be like

if tater tots had legs.

Oh, yeah, so provocative.

No, I want to submit the
song I wrote in my dream.

It was amazing, but... [GRUNTS]

What was it? I can't remember.

Well, what was the rest
of your dream about?

Maybe if you walk yourself through it,

- you'll get your song back?
- Okay. I was on a bus

with a few other people.
It was the kind of bus

with a bathroom on it.

- [LINDA] Ooh, fancy.
- [GENE] And it was

sort of, like, a boat-bus.

It was driving on top of the ocean.

And it docked at this
cool little island,

and there was a beach
volleyball game going on

and suddenly I was in the game.

And I was not good at it,

but I think I showed a lot of hustle.

And then I saw a robot,

but it was also Ms. Merkin, somehow.

- [LOUISE] Makes sense.
- [GENE] And then robot Ms. Merkin

points to, like, a lighthouse type thing

and tells me to go to the top.

And then I climb this big staircase.

And then, when I get to the top,

I see my keyboard, but it's bigger

and sparkly. And then

I sit down and I write the best song

I've ever written in my entire life.

And... [GROANS] Aah!

I can't remember it!

There's always tater tots with legs.

"Hot Tot to Trot" isn't good enough.

I want them to hear
my song and say, "wow,

"this song will probably
save the world someday

"by stopping all the wars
and curing all diseases.

Even the common cold.
And most of lupus."

Totally reasonable expectation.

Come on, Gene, think.

Stop looking at me, eggs.
I'll get to you in a minute.

Well, honey, I'm sorry
you forgot your song,

but I'm glad you got
some sleep last night.

'Cause I sure didn't.

- The cricket?
- Yeah, the cricket.

- I put my pillow over my head.
- Did you kids hear it?

- No. - Maybe.
- Sometimes.

The damn thing is hiding

somewhere in our apartment.

You're quiet now, cricket,

but I know what you're planning.

You're gonna sneak out
later and chirp all night.

I kind of like it.

But it doesn't wake me up, so, yeah.

Mom, are you sure you're not
just hearing your nose whistle?

That's going on at the same time.

It's a different pitch.

Cricket, if you're
listening to me right now,

you're not cute, you're not cool

and you don't have any friends here,

so you should just leave.

But still believe in yourself.

[GENE] Ugh. What was the
song? Was it something about

the world, maybe? Or...

Roller blades? Aah! Brain,

why are you keeping this song from me?

I thought we were bros.

Brains, right? Wait,
what are we talking about?

I'm trying to remember the song
I wrote in my dream last night

and I can't, and it's the worst
thing to happen to anyone ever.

You also said that when
mac and cheese Monday

moved to Wednesday.

Ah, I still don't know
what they were thinking.

Gene, maybe there's a way
to have the same dream again?

Like, what if tonight you
do all the exact same stuff

- you did yesterday before bed?
- Interesting.

Some things you did last night
I don't ever want to smell again.

- Maybe don't redo that.
- Whatever it takes.

I once dreamt I was wearing flip flops,

and I never wear flip flops.

Wow. You are wild in your dreams.

I know. I couldn't get
back to sleep after.

- [CRICKET CHIRPING]
- Ugh, damn cricket.

You keep saying that. Maybe you
could just think it next time?

Gene, explain to me again why
you wanted last night's lasagna.

I told you, I need to recreate

exactly what I did last night

so I can have the same exact dream

and remember the amazing song I wrote.

Is that... does that work?

Well, that's what Rudy said.

If you have any other ideas,
Father, feel free to share them.

I... I will.

Finished. Now, I'm gonna change

into last night's pajamas...

aka my only pajamas...

and brush my teeth
with Tina's toothbrush

because that's what I
accidentally did last night.

- Wait, what?
- Good night, everyone.

It's : P.M., Gene.

I need all the time I can get.

This is a real "you don't
snooze, you lose" situation.

- [CRICKET CHIRPS]
- There's the cricket again.

- You hear him, right?
- [LOUISE] A little.

I kind of hear something.

I guess I'm glad my ears are old.

Ugh. I would pay a million dollars

for someone to find that
cricket and get it out of here.

Really? Tina and I could
find that cricket for you.

- We could?
- Yeah.

- But not k*ll it, right?
- No, no.

We'll trap it, give it
a new name, new identity,

a fresh start somewhere else.

So, is a million, like,
a jumping-off point

and we negotiate from there?

If this is for real,
I'll give you a dollar.

- Twenty dollars.
- Ten, because I'm desperate.

And you'll split it.
That's my final offer.

- Deal.
- Yay.

Flipping my blanket over
so the tag tickles my face

and annoys me, just like last night.

And knocking over my water glass

with just a little water in it

and cleaning it up with
the underwear on the floor.

And now I'll climb into bed.

Come on, Gene, fall asleep.

Fall asleep, fall asleep, fall asleep.

How is this not working?

Fall asleep, fall asleep.

Fall asleep. Fall asleep.

Fall asleep.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mmm.

No. Not salami. Song.

Salami. Salami. Salami. Salami.

[YAWNS] It's morning?

No!

Mr. Ambrose, where would
I find a book about dreams?

Why are you looking for that?

Because I wrote the
perfect song in my dream

and I can't remember any of it.

Well, we don't have
anything like that, sir.

[WHISPERS] Meet me in periodicals.

- Lucid dreaming.
- What?

Lucid dreaming is having
control over your dreams

- and what happens in them.
- You can do that?

[WHISPERS] Follow me to
the reference section.

- Yes, I can do that.
- What do you lucid dream about?

I do revenge stuff on
people who were mean to me

in high school, some
fantasy and science fiction,

some adult stuff I can't tell you about.

It's hard to have the exact same
dream twice, but it's doable.

So I could learn how
to lucid dream, too?

You could.

[WHISPERS] Come with me to the classics.

Why do we have to have this meeting

in so many different spots?

Are we trying to shake
a tail or something?

No, I just have to
re-shelve all these books.

Oh. So, is there a book
about lucid dreaming?

No, because we don't
have any good books.

- Internet?
- Internet.

- Can I use a computer?
- The computers here?

Sure, if you want to get
hand, foot, and mouth disease.

Worth it. I'm gonna lucid
dream my way to a Grammy.

Or at least to the top of the pops.

- Thank you, Mr. Ambrose.
- Shh! [WHISPERS] We never spoke.

Why is this stuff all over the hallway?

Is this a new, terrible
way of recycling?

These are cricket traps,
dad. Really good ones.

Yeah, breadcrumbs and sugar
covered with newspaper.

It said online that crickets
are attracted to the food

but then they can't get out
from under the newspaper.

And also they have something
to read while they wait for us

to take them outside.

Or, if the cricket
prefers a nice bottle,

it can try to get this food in
here and then it gets trapped.

But why are there so many
traps? It's just one cricket.

Whatever it takes, Bob.

This cricket's a psychopath
and I want him out.

Yeah, dad, we put traps everywhere...

the hallway, kitchen,
bedrooms, bathrooms...

this cricket's messed with the
wrong frickin' cricket hunters!

- Hell yeah.
- Okay.

We're pretty amped,
we drank a lot of soda

so we could use the bottles for traps.

Um, so there's bread and sugar

on the floor under these
pieces of newspaper?

Yup.

So, we're getting rid of the
cricket but gaining a ton of ants?

Ants don't make noise.
I'm fine with ants.

Okay, ready for bed, and
I'm off to lucid dream

my way to songwriting success.

- What about dinner?
- Already had it.

Mom made me the sleepy beepy special,

a Turkey sandwich, a
big glass of warm milk.

I did some wind-down
yoga, had my pre-bed pee

and now I'm off to Dreamsachusetts.

How do you control your dreams?

I mean, I'm not not interested.

It's a lot of waking yourself up

and writing down what you just dreamt.

I'm not exactly sure how it works.

I like everything except
the waking yourself up

and the writing stuff down parts.

- Well, good night, family.
- Good early evening.

And no more sounds
whatsoever in the apartment.

Thank you so much.

Got my notebook, got my pencil,

now let's get lucid goose-id.

[GROANING]

♪ ♪

[GASPS] It's the boat-bus from my dream.

Wait! Wait for me, dreamy
boat-bus. I'm coming!

Wait!

Oh, my god, oh, my
god. It started to work.

I wrote my dreams down in this notebook

and then I started to lucid dream.

I saw the boat-bus from the dream

where I wrote my song and I
made myself chase after it.

Mr. Ambrose is a genius.

- Wow, that's great, Gene.
- Yeah, my little dream catcher.

Nothing. No crickets in any traps.

- Don't like hearing that.
- No cricket yet, Mother.

Keep that $ safe and warm.

Ten. I said ten.

Oh, I just assumed there'd be a gratuity

- or a performance bonus of some kind?
- Ten.

Okay, okay, the contest deadline
is the day after tomorrow.

So, trying not to stress
out, but that means

I only have two nights
to remember my song

or else I won't have anything to submit.

Just to say, all the time and work

you're putting into
remembering your dream,

you probably could have
written a new song by now.

Dad, I wrote the perfect song.

If you made the perfect burger
but you couldn't remember it

and your dad said, "oh,
just make another one,"

what would you do?

- How mad would you be?
- I wouldn't be mad.

I would think he's pretty
smart and that's good advice.

If I win this contest and
then I get a record deal,

on the liner notes I'm gonna
write, "No thanks to Dad."

That should be the name of your album.

- Ooh.
- [BOB GRUNTS]

Hey, hey, hey. Hold that bus.

Oh, my god. I'm controlling this.

The bus is waiting for me.

I'm on the bus.

I'm on the bus. What?

Airplane? No!

- Peanuts or pretzels?
- Ooh, pretzels, please.

Okay, back on the boat-bus.

And it's still a boat-bus. Going good.

♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round. ♪

Mom? You're not supposed to be here.

- Well, what about them?
- ♪ Round and round. ♪

Yes, the island. I
made it to the island.

Volleyball. [GRUNTS]

Giant cricket? No.

[GROANS]

- [CRICKET CHIRPING]
- Where is it coming from? There?

- Or there?
- I can't tell.

It's throwing its voice.

Wh-what's going on?

Why are you guys out here?

We were checking our traps

and now we're listening to the cricket

mocking us, I assume.

You're all up, too?

Nobody can sleep 'cause
of that damn cricket.

No, we're checking traps.

Uh, I'm out here because I have to pee.

- Oh, now I have to pee.
- Me too. Kind of.

Well, now I have to
go, too. I call first.

- Second.
- Third.

- Great. That's great.
- [CRICKET CHIRPS]

[GRUNTS]

Volleyball hit. Okay,
that went over there.

But this is good. Oh.

Go up to the tippy
top of the lighthouse.

Okay, I will, robot Ms. Merkin.

- What?
- What?

Darn it.

[GROANS]

And I'm opening the lighthouse door...

Yes, staircase. [LAUGHS]
I'm so much better

at climbing stairs in my
dream than in real life.

[GASPS]

My keyboard. It's so beautiful.

Okay, here we go. Oh, my god.

What? What's happening?

Don't turn into mush, Casio.

That's not good for music playing.

[GROANS]

[WHIMPERS]

No!

Ugh.

Aah!

Ugh, I'm so close.

Why is my brain holding
me back? Doesn't it care

about the ultimate online
songwriting showdown?

- [CRICKET CHIRPS]
- I'm not talking to you, cricket!

Ugh. I lucid-dreamed all the way back

to where I played the
song, but then nothing.

I hit a brick wall, literally.

I think at one point the keyboard

turned into a brick wall.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. Eat your eggs.

I promise they won't turn into
bricks or flowers or whatever.

I don't think. It's a new recipe.

The songwriting contest
deadline is tomorrow

at midnight. I need to get
back into my dream asap.

Can I skip school and go back to sleep?

- No. - No.
- Ugh.

You people don't get it.

Your priorities are all out of whack.

Well, speaking of not getting it...

Louise, Tina, you
didn't get the cricket.

And I didn't get any sleep.

I'm telling you, Lin, lay on your side,

pillow over the ear.

It's like your head is in a sandwich

and you won't hear a thing.

I don't want to live like that, Bob.

Sleeping in a pillow sandwich.

Sorry, girls, I think I
got to call an exterminator.

- [LOUISE] What?
- [TINA] No. - Yep.

Either that or we move.

Mom, give us one more chance.

- We'll catch him.
- Yeah.

This cricket... he's
smart. Possibly brilliant.

We underestimated him before

but we won't make that mistake again.

I'm actually glad he's
so clever, so crafty.

- He's raising our game.
- He is? That's nice.

Mom, obviously, we'll
have to charge more.

This cricket is probably
genetically engineered.

Maybe he escaped from a lab.

Anyway, should we say an
extra ten bucks for hazard pay?

Same money. Catch it
today or exterminator.

Fine. We're gonna stick
it to that cricket.

But not in a bad way. [WEAK CHUCKLE]

We're still friendly cricket hunters.

Helpers, you might say.

It's getting late. You-you
guys should go to school.

- You just want us to leave.
- That's partly true.

How am I supposed to go to school

when my entire career
in music is on the line?

Even successful musicians

went to sixth grade, Gene.

That's a myth.

- Mr. Ambrose.
- It's lunch. Why are you here?

And don't say you want
to tell me your dream.

What I'd like to do
is sing you my dream,

but I can't because
I get all un-lucidy.

Something isn't working
and I don't know what it is.

Listen, it takes practice.

What do you want me to say?

Not that. I need to get to

the end of the dream tonight.

Ugh. Please. Eating.

Librarians need a lunch
break, too, you know?

[WHISPERS] Or several lunch breaks.

- Don't tell anyone.
- [GENE] Ugh.

This might be an awkward time to ask,

but you don't happen to have
any books about crickets, do you?

Catching them, specifically?

- Or driving them away, nicely.
- Crickets?

Yes, please. Smart crickets.

I don't know if the
section is divided that way,

but this is a smart
cricket we're dealing with.

[SIGHS] You, things
take time. Try and relax.

- I can't relax.
- Well, you have to!

That's not relaxing to hear!

And you two... insects
and other invertebrates.

- Don't call us that.
- Behind you.

- Next to reptiles.
- Oh, yeah, there it is.

But which one do you
think is the best...

I'm eating my lunch!

Let me finish my ziti!

- [STUDENT] Shh.
- You don't "shh!" I "shh!"

[CRICKET CHIRPS]

Um, why does the apartment
smell weirdly good?

We're smoking out the cricket, dad.

We did more research and
found out that crickets

hate the smell of lemons,
cinnamon, and peppermint.

We didn't have
peppermint, so we're using

the breath mints from mom's purse.

Well, I didn't think there could be

any more food on the floor, but I guess

I was wrong to not think that.

Yes, you were. So, the cricket

will get grossed out by mom's mints...

- Hey.
- And come out of hiding,

and then he'll get seduced
by one of our many traps.

- Many, many traps.
- I'm off to bed.

Yup, your new thing where
you go to bed at dusk.

Uh-huh. The deadline for
the contest is tomorrow,

so no pressure.

Just all riding on this.

You know, you're putting
a lot on this contest

that you found on the Internet.

A panel of industry experts
are going to evaluate my work

and tell me if I have "it"
or not. I need to know.

Also, it's sponsored by that company

that makes the water bottles
with the shoulder straps.

Mm-hmm. Yup.

[GRUNTS]

Here we go.

[CHORDS PLAYING]

Yes. It's working.

[VOCALIZES]

♪ Saturday is when
the week is done ♪

♪ and you want to have some fun ♪

♪ Saturday is the day
that comes before Sunday ♪

♪ but it's still full of sun ♪

♪ and you heat your
buns in the sun ♪

♪ you heat your buns ♪

♪ in the sun ♪

♪ you heat your buns in the ♪

♪ su-u-u-u-u-u-u-u... ♪

♪ un. ♪

That was good.

- Yeah. Good.
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Y-Yes.

And it's factual.

Saturday does come before Sunday.

- Yes, it does. - Mm-hmm. Mm.
- Yup, yup.

Oh, my god, my song stinks.

No...

My dream lied to me!

This song isn't good at all. Ugh!

My subconscious is a total b-hole!

[GROANS] My so-called
perfect song is awful.

It's not bad. That much.

Yeah, I mean, it had a b*at. I think.

It just has not-great lyrics
and a not-great melody,

but aside from that, it was pretty good.

Ugh. I'm just gonna e-mail the contest

and tell them I'm withdrawing
because the song I wrote

that I thought was amazing
is actually terrible.

Do you need to e-mail them?

I think they'll want to
know what's going on with me.

Gene, you kind of wrote
that song in your sleep.

Yes. Your point?

Well, a lot of times, if
something comes too easily,

it's usually not as good
as you think it might be.

- [GROANS]
- [BOB] Uh, I'm just saying,

in my experience,

to make something great,
you have to work at it.

How do you know? Oh, right,
the burger thing you do.

Yeah. I mean, you know, on a good day.

[SIGHS] I think

I'm just gonna go to my
room and moan in private.

- Aw.
- [MOANS]

- Do you want your keyboard?
- [GRUNTS] Okay.

At least you aren't
covered in sparkles and lies.

- Aw.
- So, little cricket update.

You mean the cricket
that the exterminator's

coming tomorrow to get rid of?

No, the cricket that we're
closing in on and we guarantee

will be trapped tonight
because we have this.

The most beautiful
cricket anyone's ever seen.

Mr. Chirpy sees her, falls
in love, jumps in the bottle.

Kisses it and probably assumes
it's gonna come to life.

Or, if she's not his type, she
also makes a great best friend.

- She's a good listener.
- This plan can't possibly work.

You would say that if you weren't

as desperate as we
are. And maybe nobody's

- been stupid enough to try this.
- Until us.

Good luck. She's pretty
but she also looks dumb.

Why, 'cause her eyes are
crossed? That was an accident.

♪ ♪

[GENE] ♪ I chased after a dream ♪

♪ it all seemed so simple ♪

♪ but get close to a star ♪

♪ and you can't see it twinkle ♪

♪ some dreams are you wanting ♪

♪ but not doing ♪

♪ or making ♪

♪ the feeling is haunting ♪

♪ but remember ♪

♪ when waking ♪

♪ chase the dream in real life ♪

♪ don't go back to sleep ♪

♪ the dream's ♪

♪ like a night-light ♪

♪ it's only there to help you see ♪

♪ or for when you have to pee... ♪

Lookee, lookee, we caught a crickee.

I can't believe it. You did it.

So the girl cricket worked?

Eh, in a way.

We caught him in a different trap,

but we'd like to think that
she gave him a little FOMO.

And we did put her in with
him now and, I don't know,

it seems like maybe
there's some chemistry.

Look at you, you little menace.

I'd ask you what you
have to say for yourself,

but I don't want to hear
another peep from you, ever.

All right, mom. Time to settle the bill.

You earned it. Here you
go, five dollars each.

- Now, let's clean up these traps.
- Yes. Please.

And get the cricket
out of here already.

And put him in the restaurant?
We do this all again tomorrow?

- No.
- No.

[GENE] ♪ I chased the dream ♪

♪ like a ship lost at sea ♪

♪ should've chased
the thing in my dream ♪

♪ the thing that is me ♪

♪ I chased the dream ♪

♪ like they say ♪

♪ you're supposed to ♪

♪ but chase the thing in the dream ♪

♪ that your heart
wants to show you. ♪

Well?

- Gene, it's...
- It's amazing

and all the radio stations on the planet

are gonna want to play
it and I'm gonna be rich!

Sorry, what were you guys gonna say?

[CHUCKLING] I-I'm glad you
believe in yourself again.

And, yes, it really is a good song.

It really is. Like, really.

Not like when we were saying it before.

I like both songs, but
this one a little...

- A lot better.
- So, did you send it in to the contest?

No way. I'm not wasting my song on that.

- Wait, what?
- You know how those contests work.

They make you sign away
the rights to everything.

And this song is gonna
be the first single

from my debut platinum double album

The Best of Gene Belcher.

- Okay, good plan.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, look, mint on the floor.

What? Can't be from us. We cleaned.

Yeah, and we were so thorough.

- [BOB GRUNTS]
- Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I earned this floor mint.

[LINDA] You sure did, honey.

♪ Tater tots with legs ♪

♪ Hot tot to trot ♪

♪ Tater tots with legs ♪

♪ Hot tot to trot ♪

♪ Tater tots with legs ♪

♪ Hot tot to trot ♪

♪ Zebras wearing bras ♪

♪ Zebras, zebras ♪

♪ Zebras wearing bras ♪

♪ Zebras, zebras ♪

♪ Zebras wearing bras ♪

♪ Zebras, zebras ♪

♪ Salami, salami ♪

♪ Salami, salami ♪

♪ Salami, salami ♪

♪ Salami. ♪