35x04 - Thirst Trap: A Corporate Love Story

[bunniefuu]

I'm just gonna attach
this lapel mic, sir.

[GRUNTS]

So, you want me to talk about
Persephone Odair? That's easy.

She was a brilliant entrepreneur
who wanted to save the world.

How I wish that was
her only shortcoming.

My company, Lifeboat,
can take an ocean of salt water

and transform it into
clean drinking water,

cheaply and efficiently with a machine

only the size of a can of oats.

[AUDIENCE] [GASPS] Oats!

Now, the doubters
call this goal "impossible,"

but I prefer to say: "I'm possible."

[APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪

_

[NARRATOR] This story is about
a little girl who had a dream.

But it begins with another little girl

who allowed us to use the footage

from when she interviewed
the first little girl

who is no longer a little girl.

I'm so excited to be interviewing

Persephone Odair, CEO of Lifeboat.

So, Persephone,

you were the most be-badged
girl scout of all time

and then followed in the
footsteps of Bill Gates

by dropping out of Harvard early.

The earliest ever.

Our car didn't even slow down
on freshmen move-in day.

So inspirational.

What was the "aha moment"
that gave you the idea

to start Lifeboat?

Great question.

And, Lisa,
great questions are the jackhammers,

which demo the walls
built by distrupto-phobes

to create the open
floorplan of innovation.

I've always thought
that about questions.

[PERSEPHONE] Lisa,
my grandfather was a World w*r II sailor

whose ship was torpedoed.

He was stranded on a lifeboat, Lisa,

surrounded by water but
not a drop to drink.

Don't tell me he d*ed.

Worse. He gave up.

And then he d*ed, of quitting

and super-duper dehydration.

But I will never give up

until I've raised enough capital
to make Lifeboat a reality.

[CHUCKLING] So if you
know any billionaires...

Well, the only one
in our town is Mr. Burns,

and he's awful.

Once, he clear-cut a forest

because he thought a squirrel
was looking at him funny.

♪ ♪

Montgomery Burns. Mm.

Interesting idea, Lisa.

No, I didn't say it to be an idea!

He's terrible.

Whatever you do, don't go to him.

[NARRATOR] But the woman who once tried

to clone Sheryl Sandberg
for a school project

would not be deterred.

Welcome to Orlando. Quick heads-up.

We may have to cut this panel short

due to our third once-in-a-million-year

hurricane this season.

- [WIND WHISTLING]
- Put this on my reel!

- Terrible luck.
- No fault of anyone's.

Mr. Burns, climate change
has left the earth in peril.

Who sent you? John Muir?
Friedrich Engels?

Mike Doonesbury?

I'm getting word that this
hurricane is meeting up

with the everglades super fire.

Montgomery, I'm the founder
of a desalination company.

Our world is running out of water,

and we need a hero to rescue us.

And I believe that
that hero is your money.

[WIND HOWLING]

We sell chemicals that
can put out that fire.

Granted, those chemicals
turn alligators into godzillas,

but we're working on a
b*mb that can fix that.

Sorry, miss. Desalination is a snooze.

But I do want in on the Godzilla b*mb.

[NARRATOR] Persephone was not
shy about hounding Mr. Burns,

and he wasn't shy about hounding her.

[BARKING, SNARLING]

Some fish just swim with the tide.

I'm the kind of relentless fish

that falls down ten times
before it runs up the mountain.

On ocean shoes.

[WHIRRING]

Eh. Fine, you've got five minutes.

Who are these goateed wastrels?

A documentary crew.

Only the most paradigm-shifting
start-up CEOs have them.

Mr. Burns, I see your life
as a beautiful business opera

and investing in Lifeboat
as the climactic aria

that will put you in the
same pantheon as Getty,

Vanderbilt, the Spanx Lady.

Desalination is an expensive
and inefficient industry

begging to be disrupted.

Success is a decision.

Dare to choose it, sir.

- Dare to.
- Of course.

Like how I chose to be born rich.

Together we can disrupt big salt water.

You mean... the ocean?

Exactly, or should I say...

[BOTH] Excellent.

Not only am I pledging
much of my personal wealth

to Lifeboat, but I'm giving
the company cooling tower A

to use as its headquarters.

Cooling tower A was
Mr. Burns' favorite tower.

He always said it held so
many precious memories.

In addition, all workers in sector -G

are immediately fired...

Hey, that's me! Screw you, pig!

...and are rehired at higher
tech industry salaries.

Bless you, pig!

[NARRATOR] Burns brought
his wealthiest friends

into Persephone's fold.

When I invest, I look
at the business's key fundamental:

Am I under the delusion that
I have a sh*t with the CEO?

[GIGGLING]

[NARRATOR] Burns and
Persephone were soon

running the new company side by side,

overseeing a start-up culture

- where everyone had a creative title.
- _

Persephone Odair,
founder and status quo demolitionist.

Montgomery Burns,
chief change alchemist.

Waylon Smithers, purposefulness warlock.

Carl Carlson, braindump magician.

Lenny Leonard, storytelling ninja.

Homer Simpson, "compet-ticy" rockstar.

[DIRECTOR] Competency?

Say it again.

If anyone can transform Burns,

it's a visionary like Persephone.

Like, if you work at Lifeboat,
you have to use

these metal drinking straws.

It's so easy to clean after every use.

[GRUNTING]

I'm just... [GROANS]

Why does it have to bend?

[STRAINING]

- _
- ♪ This is my fight song ♪

♪ Take back my life song ♪

♪ Prove I'm all right song. ♪

[GRUNTING]

- [CHEERING]
- My fellow Lifeboaters!

I'm so excited to have you
on this journey with me.

Imagine a world with an endless
supply of drinkable water.

A world where every hotel
towel can be used once

and then dropped on the floor.

Oh, there are a lot of changes.

Unlike when this was a nuclear plant,

security's super tight now,

and we have to sign stringent NDAs.

And I am bad at keeping secrets.

Like how I'm not supposed
to talk about Lenny's crush

- on his Italian tutor.
- Homer.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[NARRATOR] Lifeboat was soaring,

but no one could've
predicted what shocking turn

was in store for the company.

Um, is this one of those documentaries

where I'm not supposed
to look at the camera?

Or is it like The Office,
where I always look at it

and do a big take so the audience knows

when to laugh?

In richness and wealth,
for richer and richer,

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

_

I'm still pinching myself.

I'm married to Montgomery Burns.

Nuclear industry legend.

Chief s'more toaster
at the Bohemian Grove.

The first man with no blood type.

What a joy to wake up in the morning,

turn my head on the pillow

and see her bedroom
door through the glass

of my hyperbaric chamber.

[NARRATOR] Soon, Persephone and
Burns were the new it power couple.

_

_

_

And the press couldn't
get enough of this may...

last-minute-of-December romance.

It's so refreshing to see a young person

with the world at her feet

who also sees the glory
that is Montgomery Burns.

[SLURPING]

[SLURPING CONTINUES]

[NARRATOR] Now it was up to Persephone

to create a working prototype of

her amazing desalination technology.

The water in front of you comes from

the functional prototype of

the Lifeboat desalination machine.

So everyone please raise a glass

to milestone this
history-defining moment.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

Oh, no, you can't drink it now. No.

Our competitors could steal
the proprietary aquatech

in your urine.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

And just in case any of our
patented evaporated mist

made it into your bladders,

we've arranged to have
you all catheterized.

[OVERLAPPING EXCITED CHATTER]

[WHIRRING]

So Lifeboat was just following
the tech industry playbook:

Fake it till you make it.

Or as I call it, "lie-po until you ipo."

But the employees were already
dreaming of cashing out.

Tech salaries are the greatest.

This week,
I gave Marge stock options

to go grocery shopping.

It didn't work at all.

I had to put all the
food back on the shelves.

[NARRATOR] Meanwhile,
the newly minted tech workers

were adapting to a much
different corporate culture.

At the new company,
people were so secretive

they actually moved the post-it
notes with their passwords

off their monitor.

Workers were getting fired every day.

That tattoo is the intellectual
property of the company.

[BUZZING]

The whole company got so paranoid.

Because of those NDAs he signed,

Homer couldn't even
tell me how his day was.

I can neither confirm
nor deny I had a day.

Well, it was strange
they wouldn't let me

look inside the machines,
since my title was

chief engineer of inside the machine.

And whenever a reporter came by,

it seemed like they were
trying to cover something up.

Well, still better
than working for Zuckerberg!

They were hiding something,
and it was really freaking me out.

So I emailed Persephone.

And the next day, Carl was gone.

_

_

[NARRATOR] Despite the red
flags flying from this Lifeboat,

there continued to be believers.

Persephone dominates my vision board.

Sure, she married Mr. Burns,

but as CEO, a woman had all the power.

That's what made the
Internet trolls so mad.

[NARRATOR] All the online
negativity stirred up

the finger-tempted anger of
a different kind of troll.

Hmm.

♪ This is my fight song ♪

♪ take back my life song... ♪

I wanted to give my wife... wow, wife,

still getting used to saying that...

a little something
special for her birthday.

A Twitter gift card?

No. I bought you Twitter.

The whole company. It was a bargain.

The previous owner had to sell it

after his self-driving Mars rocket

crashed into the
international space station.

Oh! Mm.

Mr. Burns, you deleted

all negative tweets about Persephone.

Is that evidence that
you're in a kind of cult

and won't hear any
criticism of your leader?

Yes, I am in a cult.

It's called a marriage. [LAUGHS]

My wife is the head of it,
and my job is to support her.

Now, maybe you're the cult
leader in your marriage, Andrew,

but I know Pilar,
and I suspect she'd disagree.

[LAUGHTER]

[NARRATOR] But Lifeboat was
rocked by a fresh scandal,

when an anonymous whistleblower
bravely came forward

with damning new information.

[DISTORTED VOICE] My best
friend Carl was abducted

because he was about to go public

with a story that would
destroy this company.

People need to know the truth.

The Lifeboat machine doesn't work.

[NARRATOR] The whistle was
blown and the damage was done.

_

_

_

_

_

Ma'am, ma'am, the whistleblower claims

the only person who has seen

the inside of your desalination machine

has disappeared.

Isn't that suspicious?

Why do you doubt a female CEO

but believe the silhouette of a man

sitting in the dark?

News flash! Women have faces now.

[NARRATOR] At this moment,

allegations that its core technology

does not work are threatening
Lifeboat's very survival.

- [THUNDER RUMBLES]
- Is this the beginning of the end

for this once-promising start-up?

[FEMALE NARRATOR] And the answer is...

absolutely not.

Lifeboat will save humanity

and become the world's
most profitable company.

Join us next time for Lifeboat Afloat,

Persephone's total vindication.

[Burns] This documentary series
is now a Burnsco production.

Montgomery Burns wasn't happy

with the documentary

about his wife's start-up,
so he bought the company

that made it,
but that didn't stop others

from telling the story,
because the business of

business documentaries is big business.

_

We've unearthed even more
never-before-seen footage

of the Beatles, including six hours

of them discussing drinking water.

The thing about water,
you can't make tea without it.

What if you made tea out of coffee?

What if you made coffee out of tea?

Uh, fellas,
maybe we should play some music.

[SIPS] Why do they call it H O?

I bet no reason at all.

[NARRATOR] Just weeks ago,
Lifeboat stopped payment

on their stadium naming rights.

Despite the glut of
Lifeboat documentaries,

the definitive version was made
by a storyteller so compelling,

he made hours on the
national parks feel like .

- ♪ ♪
- _

_

[PETER COYOTE] The mysterious
whistleblower alleged that

Persephone's desalination
machine was fraudulent.

[DISTORTED VOICE] The
Lifeboat machine doesn't work.

[PETER COYOTE] Unfortunately for him,

Mr. Burns' legal team
had acquired the raw footage

of the whistleblower's
damning interview.

[DISTORTED VOICE] The
machine doesn't work.

Hey, I ordered this sub toasted.

This is only lightly toasted.

[NORMAL VOICE] Is this how
you treat a whistleblower?

Uh-oh.

[PETER COYOTE] Mr. Burns
and Persephone now knew

the identity of the man
who betrayed them.

And the hiring of lawyers
to destroy Homer Simpson

proved to be quite the aphrodisiac.

[BOTH MOANING]

[PETER COYOTE] Lifeboat
lawyers were relentless

- in trying to subpoena Homer...
- [SCREAMS]

...and sue him for breaking his NDA.

[LISA] My dad got an anonymous message

saying there was
something he had to see,

so I went with him.

What I saw changed

the one thing I thought
could never be changed...

my mind.

_

[GASPS] Carl. You sent the message.

You've been working
in the lab all along?

If I didn't do their dirty work,

they'd tell the world my dark secret.

I've been to Jimmy Buffet concerts!

I'm a parrot-head.

"Cheeseburger in paradise"!

[LISA] So, what are they making you do?

I'm putting something
in the Lifeboat machines

called "jab-a-tose."

Well, if I may frink-splain.

In ,

a very popular diet soda called Jab

was discontinued because of
the overpowering sweetness

of its artificial flavor.

Lifeboat bought up thousands
of cases of unsold Jab sodas

because jab-a-tose was so strong

it could completely
mask the taste of salt.

Oh, my God.
This machine doesn't take out the salt.

It masks it with sweetness!

That's the jab-a-tose.

Ocean water enters the machine,

and when it comes out, it tastes normal

but still has more salt
than all the glasses

in Margaritaville.

Oh, my God. Lifeboat is built on a lie,

and Persephone is a fraud.

But her merch is...

[SNIFFLES] solid.

[PETER COYOTE] Action was needed,

and island time was running out.

The fateful demo day had arrived

for Lifeboat to finally
prove its concept

at Springfield elementary.

The school's drinking
water had been replaced

with Lifeboat liquid...

jab-a-tose-infused salt water.

Lifeboat employees had
drunk the Kool-aid,

and now it was being
served up to the children.

Mr. Burns!

The Lifeboat water isn't safe.

It's just super sweetened ocean brine.

Nonsense. My wife is a beautiful genius,

who succeeds at everything she touches.

And everything she says
makes perfect sense.

The wheel of tomorrow is an aqua-circle.

Let's make it rain.

- [CHEERING]
- Buddy, buddy, buddy.

What you're feeling towards
that lady is fresh love,

not married love.

But we are married.

Yes, but the married love
hasn't kicked in yet.

When it does,
you'll see your spouse's flaws

in K HDTV you can never turn off.

What are you driving at?

I think you need to look at
your wife with marriage eyes.

Water is the original crypto.

Every drop is encoded on
the biological blockchain,

and we are the aquanauts
of the potable future.

This is Wet . !

I don't understand a
thing she's ever said.

Now you're married.

And since you're seeing
things clearly...

Oh, dear. Those children
are going to drink poison.

And the bad news is...

I'm going to be liable.

[ECHOING] Liable!

[GASPING]

[PETER COYOTE] That is
what would have happened

had Homer not turned the valve off.

Sorry, we only put that
in there for the trailer.

Do you know how hard it is
to get people to watch

a documentary that's not
about a small-town m*rder?

Please, honey, come clean.

Your miracle invention
is nothing but claptrap.

If you can just admit that,
maybe we have a chance.

Babe, the underlying imaginary
technology still works.

[PETER COYOTE] And in that moment,

this unlikely and super
gross love affair d*ed.

Yes, I was besotted,
blind to her machinations.

She cost me billions.

It wasn't that she was evil,
I love evil.

It's that she still insists she's good.

[PETER COYOTE] Lifeboat
had finally hit the reef,

drowning its investors and employees

in poisoned water and
counterparty risk lawsuits.

But to this day, Persephone has refused

to admit any failure.

Testing showed your de-salinator
did absolutely nothing,

your company is bankrupt,
and in the divorce,

Mr. Burns somehow got
your high school friends.

What happens from here?

Well, Christiane Amanpour, as you say,

things have never looked
better for the company.

I didn't say that.

The reality is,

- you're in jail.
- [HEAVY DOOR CLOSES]

Christiane, have I ever told you about

my grandfather's
experience on a lifeboat?

Even that was a lie.

Her grandfather wasn't in the w*r,

and he didn't die on a lifeboat.

He's a CPA whose hobby is
fixing British spellings

on Wikipedia.

[SIGHS] Not only did I miss out

on once-in-a-lifetime start-up riches,

but I lost the most
amazing woman I ever met.

I think, in a few more months
she might've even slept with me.

It's great to meet you in person

after seeing so much footage
of you in our documentary

The man who sold horse meat sandwiches.

Anything else to add?

Just this.

Don't feel sorry for me.

Time to rebuild and reconquer.

If I know one thing about myself,

Montgomery Burns always bounces back.

♪ This is my fight song ♪

♪ Take back my life song ♪

- [CRYING]
- ♪ Prove I'm all right song ♪

♪ My power's turned on ♪

♪ Starting right
now I'll be strong ♪

♪ I'll play my fight song. ♪

We also have over hours of
them talking about umbrellas.

Maybe that could be a documentary, too.

I once brought an
umbrella into the shower.

- How did you get clean?
- I didn't,

but at least I didn't have
to take off my clothes.

As soon as I open my umbrella,
it stops raining.

You need a sunroof on it.

What about a giant umbrella
you keep in the trunk?

Sounds like you're talking
about an "umbrellaphant."

Can we get back to work?

Wait. I like the sound of that.

Get back.

I saw an umbrellaphant at the circus.

He was working for peanuts.

Shh!