01x12 - Mr. Nice Guy

[bunniefuu]

♪

[Wailing]

♪

This next rap goes out to my

peeps in the DVD section.

It's Widescreen with their

latest groove, "Hogging the

Remote."

♪

[Slurping]

Ugh!

Ah!

You're like a horde of

locusts.

Aren't you supposed to be at

work?

I'm on a break.

The Staple Hut is a pretty

stressful place to work.

Oh, I'm sure.

I kid you not.

The customers there are very

demanding.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

You've got one sweet job with

honeys like this walking around.

I don't know.

I mean, Serena doesn't even

know I exist.

Bud, listen, if you get

thrown off one horse, you've

gotta get right back on another

and start swimming.

Ladies, Wyatt here has had his

eye on you since you walked into

the store, and I must say he has

one sweet little eye.

Really?

Oh, yes.

And why don't the four of us

grab a movie and dessert

tonight?

On you?

Sure.

Okay!

I'm Britney, like Spears, only

not.

Uh huh, I'm listening.

No way!

I'm Jonesy, this is Wyatt.

Hi.

Bring your cute little butts

to the Gigantoplex lobby at

: .

Sure!

Cool, later!

See ya.

Bye bye.

Set 'em up with my looks,

knock 'em down with my charm.

I can't go out tonight.

JONESY: You've gotta stop

being such a wuss.

Meet me here at closing.

Okay.

And try to grow somecojones

by then.

♪

♪ Life begins after school

♪ That's when we bend

all the rules ♪

♪ Time to hang

with all my friends ♪

♪ We like to be together

in a place where we belong ♪

♪ I'm sixteen

♪ Starting to find my way

♪ Got a new job

♪ Gonna start at

the mall today ♪

♪ Thank God I'm on my own

for the first time ♪

♪ I'm sixteen

♪ Life is sweet

♪ When you're growing up

so fast ♪

♪ You got to make the good

times last ♪

♪

♪ I'm sixteen, I'm sixteen

♪ Got to make the good

times last ♪

♪

I hear Jonesy and Wyatt have

a hot double date tonight.

Wish I had a date.

Don't worry, Jude.

You can hang with us!

'Kay, so why are you always

reading these, anyway?

Other than the pictures of hot

babes.

These magazines are like the

bibles of girlhood.

JEN: Are you serious?

They're just a bunch of beauty

tips that we already know and

outfits we can't afford.

Um, no.

They teach us how to be stylish,

modern women.

[Sniffing]

Chick magazines smell nice.

[Burping]

Eww!

Sorry.

You know, you could stand to

get more in touch with your

feminine side.

No thanks.

I'm perfectly happy being %

pure dude.

It might help you get more

girls.

Really?

Where do I sign up?

[Chortling]

Oh, great.

Teen Magazinehas one more

disciple.

WYATT: I don't know why I

agreed to come.

It was all Jonesy's idea.

Relax, Wyatt.

It's just a date.

You're not disarming a nuclear

warhead.

And hey, if they said yes, they

must not think you're all that

ugly.

Hey!

Finally.

Could I get some service now,

please?

Sorry, break time.

Ugh!

[Exhaling]

[Sniffing]

Ooh.

[Coughing]

GINA: Cool.

BRITNEY: I'm listening.

WYATT: They're here.

They're coming this way.

Okay, okay!

Relax!

They aren't flesh-eating

zombies.

It's just a couple of chicks.

You don't have to talk to

zombies.

Man, you are hopeless.

Leave the talking to me.

Learn from the master.

No!

He didn't say that!

No, he didn't!

No, he did not!

I don't believe you.

Welcome ladies, to the best

evening of your young lives.

I didn't catch your name

this afternoon.

Shut up!

Oh, no, not you.

You did not!

You are so bad!

What'd she do?

Gina, I'm talking.

Okay, I've gotta go.

Some dudes are taking us to a

movie.

Later!

Sorry, duty calls.

You ladies ready?

Let's go!

I'm Gina, by the way.

Hey.

I took the liberty of buying

the tickets.

We're going to seeMonk of the

Green Dragonat : .

Uh, are you sure the girls

want to see that?

Of course they do.

Lots of fights and ninjas and

stuff.

[Shouting ninja noises]

I wanted to see that new

Gwyneth Paltrow movie,Kissing a

Moody, Dangerous Man.

Or that Kate Hudson movie,

My Boyfriend Needs Some Work.

Maybe we should exchange the

tickets.

No way!

Those movies bite.

And speaking of biting, shall

we head over to the snack bar?

They have these awesome new

nachos and cheese.

Are they low-carb?

Sure, if you eat one bite.

Six, seven, seven-fifty,

seven-sixty.

JONESY: You girls are lucky I

could fit you into my schedule

this evening.

I have a lot of responsibilities

in my current retail venture.

Don't you work at the Staple

Hut?

I thought you worked at the

Shoe Pit.

Ew, you shop there?

As if!

And didn't you work at the

Party Line?

BRITNEY: And the Denim Hole?

GINA: And Belts, Belts,

Belts?

He gets fired a lot.

Yeah, but I've been at this

job for three days now and

haven't been fired.

Oh, my gosh!

Where?

Paula saw Shawn with another

girl.

Hold on a sec', 'kay?

What did you see?

What's the idea of making me

look dumb in front of the girls?

You don't need my help.

Don't you think you're being a

bit obnoxious?

Buddy, chicks like a dude who

can take charge.

It's been that way since the

caveman days.

If you say so.

I know so.

You'll see.

After tonight, you'll never

question the Jonesmeister again.

Let's get some snacks.

Are you sure you don't want any

popcorn?

It's extremely salty and covered

in that substitute butter

product.

No thanks.

It's so bad for you.

How can it be bad when it

feels so right?

[Chomping]

You know, Jonesy's not the

only one to wear his popcorn.

The Aztecs and the Incas used it

to adorn their ceremonial

headdresses.

Fascinating, Professor

Egghead.

Really?

They wore popcorn?

That is so weird.

Where'd you learn that?

I don't know.

I must have read it somewhere.

[Yawning]

I like a guy who reads.

Me too!

I mean, I like reading books and

stuff.

Whatever has words in it, I-- I

read it.

[Shushing]

MOVIE:Satsuma Province in

the Empire of Japan.

A time of famine and w*r.

A time of samurai.

This is the time of the Monk

of the Green Dragon!

♪

Yow!

What a good opening!

[Chuckling]

[Shushing]

How come nobody talks in

this movie?

[Shushing]

Who is that guy?

[Shushing]

When are we gonna see some

ninja fights?

[Everyone shushing]

[Inhaling]

[Shushing]

♪

What a sad ending!

It was so incredibly--

Moving?

I know!

I saw Paula trying to call

through, and I didn't even

answer.

It was incredible.

What did you think, Jonesy?

[Snoring]

JONESY: That was so lame.

I feel like asking for my money

back.

You slept through the best

part.

But it was in black and

white.

How cheap is that?

It's meant to point up the

bleakness of the life of

peasantry in imperial Japan.

I still say for twelve bucks

you should get colour.

Gee, Wyatt.

You sure know a lot about

filmmaking.

Well, this girl I dated once

loved going to the movies.

In fact, she told me she didn't

want to go out with me anymore

right here.

GIRLS: Aww!

Did you date long?

Only for a couple of days,

but it still hurt.

Huh?

Do you want to talk about it?

Hey, wait up!

WYATT: I really felt for the

main character, you know?

I mean, I understand his

loneliness.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I've never really been

lonely, but I can totally

relate.

Hey, how about the way those

kooky Japanese people eat with

those big toothpicks?

They're called chopsticks.

Duh.

Don't you ever eat sushi?

Raw fish?

Hm, let me think.

No.

Ooh!

It's cold in here.

Here, take my coat.

Thank you!

Brr.

[Slurping]

See, when I do this, it

means I'm open to what you have

to say.

And if I touch your arm lightly,

it means I like you.

So, how is this helping me

get in touch with my feminine

side?

A girl needs to know how to

communicate things through body

language.

If you can become fluent in

this language, you'll know

exactly what a girl is thinking.

Whoa!

'Kay, teach me more!

I liked when the dude kicked

the short guy and broke his

elbow.

That was cool.

It bent the wrong way.

We had a great time.

Maybe we could meet tomorrow?

I'd love to hear more about--

That book he was talking

about?

Me too!

Sure.

I'll meet you here for coffee

at : ?

GINA: Great.

I can tell you all about my

hockey season.

I kicked butt last year.

Yawn.

Don't bother.

See you tomorrow, Wyatt.

Bye Britney.

Gina.

JONESY: Thanks a lot.

NIKKI: Okay, I must not be a

girl because none of this

matters to me at all.

"Must haves for summer"?

Ugh, says who?

Thank you!

If anyone ever learnt anything

remotely useful from these

magazines, I'll drink a cup of

lemon juice straight up.

Is that a bet?

Yeah, that's a bet!

You'll see how well they

work.

Jude knows female body language

now.

I'm bilingual.

There you go, Jude.

A virgin pina colada lemon

slush for the student.

Dudette, it's almost too

beautiful to eat, but I must

eat it, for that is my destiny.

JONESY: You totally torpedoed

me with those girls.

WYATT: Trust me, you didn't

need my help.

JONESY: You made me look like

an idiot.

I treated them like they

were people, not just

mini-skirts.

You should try it.

Yeah, right.

"Oh, look at me!"

"Look at me!"

"I'm Mr. Sensitive!"

Excuse me while I take this

Kn*fe out of my back.

WYATT: I can't believe you

said that!

I'm going to work.

Whoa.

That was close.

Well, that's a shame.

Oof!

So was that.

What was that all about?

Wyatt totally hosed me.

I got us a date with two hot

chicks and he pulled the

sensitive, smart-guy routine,

now they think I'm a dork.

NIKKI: Maybe it's because you

are a dork.

Thanks a lot.

He didn't have to crank it up

so much.

It's not just a routine,

Wyatt really is just a nice guy.

Yeah, and girls like honesty.

No way!

Girls want a guy who's got an

edge, a guy with attitude.

Watch this.

Hey, baby, you look tired.

I think what you need is a

little vitamin J, and I'm a

lifetime supply!

b*at it, loser!

Okay, that body language

said "Get out of my face, jerk!"

Right!

A-plus!

It can't be true!

What's happening?

You have a great personality.

It just needs a little tweaking.

We can rebuild him, right, guys?

JUDE: We have the technology.

We can try.

What the heck, he can't get

worse.

We'll make him sweeter,

kinder, more sensitive!

Get ready to down a glass of

lemon juice, Jen!

Somehow, I'm just not that

worried.

Oh, whatever!

I can do this.

Wyatt will not be the only nice

guy in this town!

Jonesy, any good makeover

starts from within.

She knows the lingo.

He doesn't stand a chance.

And I know just how to do

that.

The greatest invention ever in

the history of womankind: the

magazine quiz!

"Rate your man," "How to be a

better boyfriend," "Rock her

world," "Are you a selfish pig?"

Those are chick quizzes.

Do they really work?

Duh!

Without them, I never would have

known I was a "sl*ve to fashion"

and a "high-maintenance menace."

You're going to take all of

these tests so we can determine

what work has to be done here.

[Groaning]

NIKKI: Whew!

Congratulations!

You are officially...

A "not-so-Mr.-Nice-Guy" and a

"love life leper," your "selfish

knob" goes up to , and you're

an ugly creep who smells bad.

You threw that last one in

yourself!

[Chuckling]

Guilty.

Oh, this is worse than I

thought.

We're gonna have to use drastic

measures.

One of us will have to be a

pretend date for Jonesy to

practise on.

Nuh-uh!

No way.

This was your stupid idea.

I'd rather watch someone eat

my hand.

Oh, come on, you guys!

Someone has to be our test girl.

[Slurping]

I can feel you looking at me,

but I'm hoping that if I ignore

you, you'll go away.

Bad strategy.

JONESY: This is so

humiliating.

JUDE: Dude, at least you're

not the one in a tennis dress.

[Giggling]

Sorry, it was all I could

find.

It'll be good practice for

you, Jude.

Remember your feminine side?

Now, for the next level of

boyfriend training.

Judy is your date.

You have to be polite,

gentlemanly, and accommodate her

every need.

Oh, man, don't do that!

I'm just getting into the

mood.

Why not start with a little

compliment?

It's always nice for a girl to

feel she's attractive.

Are you kidding me?

[Jude crying]

Oh, no!

You've made her cry.

Can it, Jude!

It's "Judy"!

And that's no way to talk to a

girl.

[Falsetto:] Yeah.

[Groaning]

I gotta get some new friends.

Try again.

You look really-- pretty

today, Judy.

Have you done something

different to your hair?

That's so sweet of you to

notice, dude.

Ahh!

Oof!

Is that more like it?

WYATT: This is a great novel

if you're into past lives and

reincarnation.

Really got me thinking.

Wow!

I wish I could buy it, but I

forgot my wallet.

Me too.

Why don't I buy you each a

copy?

Oh, thanks Wyatt!

And while we're here, there's

this other book on Kabbalah

that I wanted to grab.

Oh, me too!

Oh.

Are you Jewish?

No, but Madonna says it's,

like, really good for your soul.

Yeah.

Oh, and you get to wear a

really cute red bracelet.

Ooh!

Come on, let's find it!

JONESY: Would you care for

another onion ring, sweetheart?

Why, no, Jonesy.

I'm stuffed.

You dropped your napkin.

Oh, dear.

Thanks.

[Belching]

Ugh!

How charming.

I thought it couldn't be

done.

What control!

I think he's ready for his

final test.

You must get a girl's phone

number using your new nice

persona.

Here are your props.

Poetry and Alanis Morisette?

This is chick stuff!

[Dinging]

Right.

Quick review.

You are walking towards a

closed door with a girl.

What do you do?

I open the door for the girl.

[Dinging]

At the movies with a girl,

you always go to which movie?

The one with the hot guy in

it.

[Dinging]

A girl asks you if she looks

fat.

You say?

"You, no."

[Dinging]

NIKKI: By George, I think

he's got it.

There's a girl.

Using what we've taught you, get

her phone number.

No probs.

Who's George?

Never mind.

Hang on, he's coming back

already.

I got her digits.

That was quick!

CAITLIN: One glass of pure

lemon juice!

Drink it up, sister!

I told you they worked.

You would have been proud.

I said, "I've just been reading

this book of poetry and I

thought you might have some

insight, because you're like a

poem yourself."

[Laughing]

She totally bought that line!

[Crunching]

Ow!

Oh, I think you might want

to hold on to that for a bit.

Okay, bad call.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm

off to kick Wyatt's butt at his

own game.

If he does, it's going to be

all my fault, isn't it?

GINA: Thanks for buying us

coffees again.

Yeah, you're such a nice guy!

JONESY: Excuse me.

May I join you?

Jonesy?

JONESY: Thanks.

I was just at a poetry reading

in the food court.

Very inspiring.

[Spluttering]

I didn't know you were into

poetry.

Oh, sure.

But I want to know more about

you two ladies.

Gina, that's a great colour on

you, it really brings out your

eyes.

Wow!

Thanks, Jonesy.

Britney, should we go--

freshen up?

Totally!

Oh, thank you!

What's wrong with you?

You thought you had the

market cornered, but I'm in the

game now, and I'm all over this

nice guy garbage.

Those girls'll be eating out of

my hand in no time.

It's not a competition,

Jonesy.

Oh, yes it is, my friend.

And just remember, when I'm

leaving you in my dust, that

you started it.

BRITNEY: Shut up!

Ladies, how about taking a

walk and getting to know each

other a little bit better?

Okay.

Sure!

Oh, but we have some shopping

to do, if you guys don't mind.

Not at all.

Just let me pay for your

coffees.

Already did it!

Keener.

Say, who loves golden retriever

puppies?

[Squealing]

Me!

These pants are so now.

And I have to try these

T-shirts!

You don't mind, do you?

Not at all.

Oh, you just shop your

little hearts out.

Could you just hold my purse?

Hey, Casanova, great purse!

So how's the nice guy strategy

going?

There had better be a kiss

at the end of all this, and it

had better involve tongue and

lots of it.

At least you didn't get peed

on by a puppy.

JONESY: And bring us four

cappuccinos, please.

You're, like, so generous.

And so nice.

And so going to score.

This isn't over yet.

For you!

Oh, it's so cute!

Thanks!

Just a little something to

remember me by.

Humph!

Amateur.

Gina, I'd really like to take

our relationship to the next

step.

You know, as-- [Gulping]-- your

boyfriend.

Boyfriend?

Jonesy, I think you've

misunderstood my feelings for

you.

We like you guys as friends.

BOTH: Friends?

Yeah, I thought you knew

that.

And I thought you guys were

gay.

Not gay!

Not gay!

Hold on, you just said I was a

nice guy!

That's kinda the problem.

You're too nice.

We're more into dark, moody

guys, who don't treat us well.

Someone we can change.

I held your purse like a

girly man.

Sorry.

[Slurping]

Would you excuse us for a

minute?

This is so wrong!

They thought I was gay!

I'm so not gay!

I dropped a fortune on them

and they used me.

I missed work at the Staple

Hut for this stupid date.

"Too nice" my butt.

Hmm.

It's too bad they don't have any

money with them.

[Chuckling]

A darn shame.

♪

♪

Did you see the look on her

face?

It was awesome!

WYATT: Huh?

What the--?

Don't ask.

So, how'd it go?

Let's just say no more Mr.

Nice Guy.

Got any more of those magazines?

Do you want to take another

quiz?

No way, those quizzes suck.

But there are a lot of hot

babes.

Models, I like those chicks.

Jude!

Dude!

What?

Your feminine side wouldn't

say that.

Yeah, you know, I think I'm

happy with my dude side after

all.

This wig itches and my tennis

undies are riding up my butt.

Fine, live in ignorance.

Looks like I won't be

drinking any lemon juice today.

Yes!

So what happened to your

dates?

Oh, I think they might be

busy for a while.

Hurry up!

We're outta snail forks!

[Laughing]

Nice.

I guess nothing that you

learned in training stuck, huh?

You know, I did learn

something.

I should try to be a little

more like Wyatt, and Wyatt

should learn to be a little

more like me.

Then, maybe, just maybe, the

world would be a better place.

BOTH: Yeah, right!

MAN: There you are.

You missed your shift, bucko.

You're fired!

[Laughing]

They're so immature!

Surprise, surprise.

Ugh, men!

♪