01x23 - One Quiet Day

[bunniefuu]

♪

Dude, what you stocking?

A sonic whirling as*ault,

lashing the ear with its wailing

teenage angst driven fury.

Whoa, is that good?

Who knows, I'm too scared to

listen to it.

Hey, Wyatt, what's the name

of that new album that you were

playing last night?

Back Off My Chow by Dogtoy.

Oh, right, thanks.

No tacos allowed in the store,

Jude.

What taco!

Nice, very nice!

[Sighing]

Dude, are you all right?

Of course I am, why wouldn't

I be?

Every time that Serena chick

shows up, you do something

stupid!

I do not!

I found it!

[Gasping]

Like that.

All right, so I really like

her, I mean, y'know we've gone

out for coffee a couple times,

then there was Valentine's day,

but she's a year older than me.

Dude, what are you waiting

for?

Go and ask her out again.

I don't know, maybe those

were just, like, pity dates!

Not even dates, more like pity

coffee.

I think she's way out of my

league!

Dude, you're wigging out.

You just gotta show her you can

be mature and refined too.

This, coming from a guy who

threw up in his girlfriend's

mouth!

♪

♪ Life begins after school

♪ That's when we bend

all the rules ♪

♪ Time to hang

with all my friends ♪

♪ We like to be together

in a place where we belong ♪

♪ I'm sixteen

♪ Starting to find my way

♪ Got a new job

♪ Gonna start at

the mall today ♪

♪ Thank God I'm on my own

for the first time ♪

♪ I'm sixteen

♪ Life is sweet

♪ When you're growing up

so fast ♪

♪ You got to make the good

times last ♪

♪

♪ I'm sixteen, sixteen

♪ Got to make the good times

last ♪

No way, duh!

I am so there, are you crazy?

It's only the opportunity of a

lifetime!

Later!

Hey, I have the best news!

You are looking at the soon to

be newest greeter goddess at

Albatross and Finch!

Nice, so they hired you!

Oh, no, not yet, you have to

through a very vigorous

interview process.

It starts today.

Aren't the staff there a bit

stuck up?

Sure, but wouldn't you be?

It's like the best job in the

mall.

Really, well, as long as

you're still schlepping lemons,

slide me a large swirly!

You only get those when you

get fired or dumped.

I got fired from Engrave

This, 'cause my spelling sucks!

Did you know there was a T in

Christmas?

Um... yeah.

Maybe I should come try out

too, now that I'm out of a job,

again.

No offense, but I don't think

you're Albatross and Finch

material.

Says who?

The greeter gods are like a

secret society, they almost

never let in outside members,

only legacies.

Okay, what's a legacy and why

aren't I one?

It means the jobs are handed

down, from generation to

generation, based on the

presumption that coolness is in

the genes.

That's it?

Well, look no further, people,

ain't nothing but coolness in

these jeans!

[Sighing]

Okay, fine, come if you want

to.

See you out front in an hour.

[Sizzling]

Oh, yeah!

What's up?

Hey, on your break?

No, just bored.

[Sighing]

Me too!

Hey, wanna mess with Coach

Halder?

Definitely!

So, what's it gonna be,

sport?

Well, the lather is quite

nice to the touch, but then the

plastic one is cheaper.

Well, you've got five seconds

left on the clock to make that

call!

Step up to the plate mister,

throw the pass, take it!

[Screaming]

[Laughing]

That was the funniest thing I

have ever seen!

Did you hear him scream?

Oh, yeah, like a little girl!

Got any more ideas?

What, are you kidding?

Okay, I'm gonna need a fishing

pole, a dollar bill, and some

pound line.

Ladies.

Hey, Jonesy, Wyatt wants to

ask Serena out, but he's scared,

'cause she's way too mature for

him!

Dude, just take control of

the situation!

Show her you're a man!

You don't get it, every time

I try to talk to her, I--

Turn into a wuss?

Something like that.

All right, I've had enough of

this.

Yo, Serena, could you come over

here for a minute?

[Squirming]

Hey, what are you doing?

Here she comes.

Don't blow it.

Did you call me, Wyatt?

I... uh...

Is something wrong Wyatt?

I... wanted to talk to you

because... I... I really like

you.

Aw, man, he blew it!

Totally choked.

I like you too, Wyatt.

Really, well... now that

we've gone out a few times, I

just wondered... uh...

Go in for the k*ll!

Do it, dude!

I was wondering if you'd

consider... maybe... uh...

being...

Being...?

Boyfriend and girlfriend!

With me!

Wyatt, I really like you,

but...

[Groaning]

I'm kind of older than you.

Only by a year.

I'm practically in college.

I only have eight credits left

to go!

I'm going to college too, one

day.

I just think I'm out of my

high school boy phase.

I need a more mature guy who can

understand my needs, y'know?

I'm sorry, can we just be

friends?

Sure, no problem.

Well, that sucked.

Crashed and b*rned, huh,

dude?

That would sum it up, yeah.

Dude, that was pathetic!

Would you maybe consider wah,

wah, wah!

You've gotta sell what you've

got!

Yeah, dude, you've gotta good

package.

I think you mean I've got the

whole package.

[Sighing]

What's the use?

Well, if you're giving up on

this hottie, I feel it's my duty

to take my shottie.

The poet laureate speaks!

Hey, babe!

Yes?

I understand a mature woman

like yourself would seek someone

more refined, but you have so

much to offer a young guy such

as myself!

Oh, really?

Think of it, you could help

nurture an unformed soul.

Oh, nurturing, yes, that's

what I wanted to do Saturday

night!

Why would you want some over

the hill frat boy when you could

have an adoring, young stud on

your arm who's at your beck and

call every Saturday night?

Look away, dude, just look

away.

I can't believe I'm saying

this, but you're actually making

sense!

Think of us as eager little

puppies: we're easily trainable!

That's true!

So, are we on tonight,

shorty?

Wyatt, I've changed my mind

about us.

Meet me after our shift and

we'll give it a sh*t, okay?

Oh, yeah, who's the man, huh?

Cool, dude, she wasn't my

type, anyway.

Yeah, I think she digs smart

guys.

Hey!

Finally!

Where have you been?

Scoring Wyatt a date, then

the hot dog stand.

Ready?

Oops, gotcha!

[Sighing]

This is so huge!

By tomorrow, I could be just

like them!

What, bored?

No, beautiful, and popular!

These clothes look like

someone else already wore them!

Yeah, that's the idea!

They're vintage wash!

Well, excuse me, just seems

kinda dumb!

Shh!

If I wanted used clothes--

Would you shut up?

Let's just get to the auditions!

Let's just get to the

auditions!

Your abs are ripped, dude!

You're up.

This is it!

Hey, good luck, dude!

I hope he takes rejection well.

Okay, I've been working on my

facial expressions: the bored

smirk.

The aloof stare...

Whoa, I felt that one!

Totally, and how 'bout: the

hoodies are in the back sneer...

I don't get what the big deal

is, I mean it's just a store.

[Gasping]

He suffered a concussion

recently, skiing in Whistler.

[Sighing]

Okay, that was creepy!

Ow!

Do not blow this for me!

Hey, I've got a few

expressions up my sleeve,

sweetheart.

Check out my I'm hotter than you

stare...

It looks more like you have

to go to the bathroom!

Yeah, I kinda do!

[Ticking]

Nice going, I could've gotten

in here with your help, you

know.

It was a foolproof plan!

How was I supposed to know he

was so cheap, he'd follow a

dollar bill right into a

climbing wall?

Yeah, well I'm going to be on

probation for the rest of my

life.

Huh, I wonder how they remove

a fish hook from a nose anyway?

No, you don't understand!

I'm a people person!

A people person!

Please, have a little

dignity, sir.

Gee, thanks!

Okay, I so want to work here!

Yeah, we got that.

Why?

If you had to work retail,

Albatross and Finch is, like,

the only socially acceptable

store.

The ' spring catalogue changed

my life!

[Whispering]

I have all the required facial

expressions!

Don't ask me 'cause I don't

care!

Hmm, you look fat in anything.

I could go to the back and

check, but... I wont.

So, how 'bout you?

Just got fired, didn't have

anything better to do.

Murmuring

Hey, is this gonna take much

longer?

[Whispering]

That's it, wait outside.

What was that!

Argh, I just hope they don't

hold you against me!

Okay, I'm gonna call out the

names of our new greeter gods.

If you don't hear your name, it

basically means you're not cool

enough.

Oh!

Jonesy!

[Gasping]

What?

Who, me... why?

Well, you have that detached

self involved egotism that

Albatross and Finch stands for.

Thanks... I guess?

Welcome to our crew!

Okay, that's it!

That's it?

No, wait, I love this place!

I live for this place!

Can I at least come on the

annual ski trip?

I can't watch.

She really wanted this job.

Everyone wants this job,

c'mon, let's get you into

training.

No, wait, I belong here, I

do!

I feel your pain, sister,

I feel your pain.

[Sobbing]

So, how do I impress her?

I mean, she's mature and I'm

just... not.

Don't sweat it.

Yeah, of the six of us, you're,

like, the third most mature.

Wait, who's more mature than

me?

Well, Nikki... except for

today.

Thank you.

And me.

You are not more mature!

Am so!

Are not!

Am so!

Nikki, tell him I'm more mature!

Gee, you both make such

convincing arguments.

Okay, I need some

relationship advice.

Hmm, Caitlin reads all those

magazines, maybe she can help

you.

Yes, that's good!

C'mon!

I hear you, bro, but you're

not a loser!

Take a couple of deep breaths!

There, now don't you feel

better?

Guys, I think he's finally

lost it!

I still think you're cool!

Uh, Jude, what are you doing?

Caitlin locked herself inside

the lemon and she won't come

out.

Caitlin, are you okay?

CAITLIN: Go away!

[Sobbing]

What's the matter?

CAITLIN: Jonesy got hired at

Albatross and Finch and I

didn't!

It's so unfair, he'll be going

on cargo encounter weekends,

folding seminars in Banff,

parties at cabins on the lake,

and I won't!

Oh, don't cry, Caitlin!

I've heard those parties aren't

even that fun!

CAITLIN: Have you seen the

catalogues?

Jude, show them!

[Sobbing]

It does look kinda cool,

'cept for people who work at a

clothing store, they sure don't

pack many clothes.

Caitlin, please come out.

People are starting to stare.

Oh, what, and you've never

talked to big, giant fruit

before?

Oh, my!

CAITLIN: I'm not coming out!

Okay, I know you're bummed,

but I need your help with a

relationship problem.

I'm desperate!

[Creaking]

CAITLIN: What kind of

relationship problem?

She's an older woman and I

need to learn to act mature.

CAITLIN: And I'm the only

person in the whole world who

could help you?

Look who I have to choose

from!

Hey!

[Gasping]

Ooh!

I guess I could help then.

Oh, thank you!

Uh, you might want to fix

yourself up a bit.

Oh, I'm hideous, aren't I?

No!

Totally babealicious!

Really?

Okay, thanks guys.

Why are we hiding in these

bushes?

To watch how mature couples

behave in their natural habitat.

Observe.

The mature man never holds

hands, he puts his arm

protectively around his partner

in a mating stance that says I'm

mature and ready to commit to

this woman.

Arm around her waist.

Got it.

[Screaming]

[Crashing]

[Laughing]

Dude!

Note that the mature male is

more calm and confident.

Not prone to displays of plumage

or loud outbursts.

The mature male seems a bit

boring.

Not to the mature female!

See how she rewards him with

signs of her affection?

Huh!

This is getting boring!

They haven't talked in half an

hour!

Mature couples are

comfortable with silence.

What did you notice about the

mature male's order?

Uh, it arrived promptly?

No, the mature male orders

mature food: no French fries, a

salad, the more strange the

salad the more mature it is.

So, a green salad?

Not that mature!

Sun dried tomato and goat

cheese?

Mature!

The mature male pays the bill

and doesn't complain about it.

Being mature is expensive,

then.

Do you want Serena to go for

you or not?

Okay, okay!

Where did they go?

I don't know!

Ahem!

You're freaking us out.

WYATT AND CAITLIN: Sorry.

I gotta go, Serena's about to

come off shift.

I've given you all the tools

you need, you're ready.

Thanks, Caitlin!

Wish me luck!

Luck!

Gosh, I'm good!

So, did helping Wyatt take

your mind off of Albatross and

Finch?

[Sobbing]

Nice.

[Giggling]

Oh, yeah, this job rocks!

Those pants are so cool!

Pulverized low slung camping

shorts, sizes through ,

back of the store.

Thanks, dude!

I am so good at this!

Yo, new guy, it's our policy

to ignore customers outright.

How will they find what

they're looking for?

That's not our problem!

This place is so stupid!

Then again!

[Laughing]

Is something wrong, Wyatt?

No, why?

You haven't said a word since

we met at the record store!

I'm comfortable with silence.

Okay, then.

Can I take your order?

Do you have a goat cheese

salad?

Goat's cheese?

Uh... I'll have a green

salad.

Right, and to drink?

Can I have a margarita?

Can I see some I.D.?

Uh...

Virgin margarita, coming

right up.

For you?

A hot dog and fries, please.

You got it, honey.

One hot dog and fries, and a

salad for the fancy boy!

MOVIE CHARACTER: Dude, we

have never rocked a party like

we rocked a party tonight!

Music, tunes, and babes!

Just so you know, I wanted to

take you to see that new

political documentary.

Oh, that's cool.

[Laughing]

Hey, there!

You've gotta help me, man!

I'm with Serena and I can't do

anything right!

Dude--

MOVIE CHARACTER: Ten kegs,

seniors in a pool, what

could go wrong?

Is that Jerry and Pete Get

Busted?

I love that movie!

That's my point!

Caitlin tried to show me how to

act mature, but it's not

working!

MOVIE CHARACTER: Dude, I just

got puked on!

[Laughing]

I bet she's so sorry she went

out with me right now.

[Laughing]

This is just like the

seniors' party last year,

remember?

Wyatt?

Dude, girls don't know what

girls want!

That sounds so ridiculous

that I'm tempted to believe you.

Believe it.

All women, young and old, want a

man to tell them what they want

to hear.

Quick, give me one of your

best lines.

[Whispering]

I can't say that!

Gotta go, good luck, buddy!

Jonesy, Jonesy!

Wyatt, are you okay?

Baby... uh, you may be older

than me, but I'm the Discovery

Channel and you've just got

cable!

[Laughing]

What's with you today?

Dude, if you're gonna use

cheesy lines like that, can you

at least take it outside?

Oh, man, I must be desperate

to impress you if I'm stooping

to use Jonesy's lines!

You mean that's why you've

been putting on this act all

night?

Well, you're so mature, and

together, and beautiful, I

really wanted this date to work

out!

You know, I like your lines

a lot better, Wyatt.

So... what now?

I have a great idea!

Come on!

What are you doing?

Nothing, just buying some--

Hey, only the greeter girls

get to purchase this combination

of tube top and cargo skirt!

Hmm...

CAITLIN: But!

I can't believe this!

Was she trying to buy our

uniform?

Yeah, how sad is that?

We don't let just anybody dress

like us!

[Sighing]

CAITLIN: Please, please,

please!

That's it, I've had enough of

these greeter snobs for one day!

Time to shake this place up a

bit!

We're beautiful!

We are the chosen ones, we're--

Okay, what is that--

[Grunting]

Nobody makes fun of my girl!

[Laughing]

What are you doing?

Just acting like the guys in

your catalogue, bro, trying to

support the team!

[Gasping]

Dude, you are so fired.

And you are way too lame for

us to hang out with!

[Cheering]

C'mon, Caitlin, let's blow this

chicken coop!

[Cheering]

CAITLIN: Um, you could put

your cargos back on now.

And then he mooned the entire

store!

Cool!

Once again, you've managed to

sneak up and impress me, and you

did it by mooning people!

Go figure!

Hey, when you've got a

rearview this good, you can't

hide it forever!

And then you go and blow it

again!

Hey, guys!

Hey, dude!

Hey, guys!

We just rode the vomit comet

times!

It was such a blast!

I felt like a little kid again!

Again, huh?

Nice try, junior!

Hey, you're only one year

older!

A year and a half!

Missed me!

[Laughing]

Yeah, you better run!

Real mature, dude.

♪