04x25 - Dennis and the Homing Pigeons

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Dennis the Menace". Aired: October 4, 1959 – July 7, 1963.*
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Follows the Mitchell family – Henry, Alice, and their only child, Dennis, an energetic, trouble-prone, mischievous, but well-meaning boy, who often tangles first with his peace-and-quiet-loving neighbor, George Wilson, a retired salesman, and later with George's brother John, a writer.
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04x25 - Dennis and the Homing Pigeons

Post by bunniefuu »

-Boy, that old Mulligan

house sure is spooky,

isn't it, Tommy?

-Yeah, I'll say.

Dad said Old Man Mulligan

disappeared one night,

and no one ever saw him again.

You reckon his

ghost is in there?

-Heck, I don't

believe in ghosts.

-Me either.

Did you ever see one?

-Well, I thought I did once.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

I woke up hungry one

night and went downstairs

to raid the icebox.

And right at the

foot of the stairs

I saw something tall and

white coming right at me.

-Gosh, what was it?

-It was my dad.

He'd been raiding

the icebox too.

[theme music]

-Boy, those pigeons

sure can eat.

-Yeah.

That's all they ever do.

Jeepers.

Look at that.

You're not a lady,

are you, lady?

-You guessed it, kid.

-And that's not a baby, is it?

-I was years ago.

-Gee, how come you're

dressed up like that?

-Oh, we're being initiated

into a fraternity

over at the college.

-Do you have to do it?

-We do if we want to be members.

-Let's go, Mom.

We've got to keep moving.

-Boy, that's a fine way

for college men to act.

-Yeah.

And our folks think

we play silly games.

Tommy?

I just had an idea

about these pigeons.

-What?

-Remember the ones we read

about in our history class?

They carried messages way

back during the first big w*r

when we were

fighting the kaiser.

-Do you think these

could carry messages?

-Why not?

They're pigeons, aren't they?

-Hey, that's a keen idea.

We could fetch a couple

of them and send messages

to each other.

-But before we catch

them, we've got

to find out if they

belong to anybody.

-That's right.

They're not our pigeons.

-Well, they ought to be.

They've got so much of

our popcorn in them.

-Well, it's nice to hear

from you again, Mr. Mathews.

How are things on Wall Street?

-Oh, fine, fine.

I called to give you that tip

on the market I promised you,

the stock that's going

sky-high right now.

-Wonderful, wonderful.

-Now, listen carefully.

I'm on my way to catch

a plane to Europe,

and I want you to have

this before I leave.

Now, the stock to buy is

Consolidated Development

and Research Industries.

-Ah.

Consolidated Research and

Industrial Development.

-No.

The name of the stock is

Consolidated Development

and Research Industries.

Now, be sure you don't get

it confused with Amalgamated

Research and Development

Research Consolidated.

-Oh.

Uh, the one I want is

Industrial Research

and Development Amalgamated.

-You're not listening, Wilson.

You'd better write this down.

-Oh.

Very-- very well, Mr. Mathews.

Now let me have that again.

Consolidated Development

and Research Industries.

Yeah.

Uh, may I share this tip with

my neighbor, Henry Mitchell?

-Well, do whatever you like.

The important thing

is to buy quickly.

Otherwise, it'll go up so

fast, you'll get left behind.

-I'll get on it right away.

And thank you very

much, Mr. Mathews.

Have a nice trip.

-Thank you.

-Goodbye.

Wait 'til Henry

Mitchell hears this.

Our fortunes are made.

-I'm sure glad you

came by, Sgt. Mooney.

You can help us.

-Why, you got somebody

you want arrested,

like maybe your school teacher?

[chuckling]

-No.

We want to know who

these pigeons belong to.

-Those moochers?

They don't belong to anybody.

They're public pests.

Why?

-Well, we just wondered

if they had a home.

-Oh, not them.

During the day, they hang around

the park, begging for handouts.

At night, they roost in

the old Mulligan house.

-Boy, they sure

picked a scary roost.

-Whatever happened to Old

Man Mulligan, Sgt. Mooney?

-Well, nobody

really knows, Tommy.

He was a strange sort of duck.

Used to own a little circus.

-Yeah, Dad told me about him.

-Then the big circuses

put him out of business.

He shut himself up

in the old house,

and that's the last

anybody ever saw of him.

-I wouldn't roost there

even if I was a pigeon.

-Well, I've got to be on my way.

Keep out of trouble, boys.

-Bye, Sgt. Mooney.

It's OK, Tommy.

Nobody owns the

pigeons, so we can

start our own message service.

-How are we going to

catch the pigeons?

-I know.

We'll put some popcorn on the

ground, put a box over it,

and raise it up with a stick

that has a string on it.

-But to risk all our savings--

-Alice, this isn't a risk.

It-- uh, let me show you here.

Now, look.

Suppose you buy one share

of stock-- just one,

mind you-- at $ .

You will hold it for a week,

and it's worth $ or $ .

-Well, you see, Alice?

I've already made

$ or-- or $ .

-But that's just the beginning.

If you buy shares of stock

and wait 'til it's worth $ ,

then you're really making money.

-Say, that's great.

This could run

into the thousands.

-As long as Mr. Wilson doesn't

break his pencil point.

-Now put him in here

with mine, Tommy.

There we go.

Boy, that was easy.

-Yeah.

The only hard part was

keeping the others out.

-Now all we need is a pencil and

paper to write our messages on.

You got any?

TOMMY (OFFSCREEN): Say--

-Hey, I know where we can get

some paper-- from Mrs. Wilson.

Mr. Wilson's a writer.

He's got all kinds of paper.

You watch the pigeons.

-And what size paper

do you need, dear?

-Sort of small, Mrs. Wilson.

-Oh.

Well, I think I

have just the thing.

Here's a scratch pad.

And here's a pencil.

You can keep them.

Mr. Wilson has

more than he needs.

-Gee, thanks.

Tell Mr. Wilson any

time he wants a favor,

I'll do one for him.

-All right.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-There we are, Henry.

At a conservative

estimate, that's

how much money we could make.

-Wow, we'll be on easy street.

-I brought some more

coffee, Mr. Wilson.

Or do we millionaires

only drink champagne?

[chuckling]

-Thank you, Alice.

I'll have some coffee.

Then I'll get home and see if

Eloise is back from shopping.

She doesn't know

the great news yet.

Well, here's to the

stock that will put us

in the highest

bracket, Consolidated

Industry and

Research Development.

-I thought you said

it was Consolidated

Research and

Industrial Development.

-Yeah, well,

something like that.

-Look, gosh, we ought

to know for sure.

-Now, don't worry, Henry.

I have the name safely written

down on a pad on my desk.

-I got him!

I got him!

Now we'll write our messages.

I'll do mine first.

Hey.

There's something already

written on this page.

-Well, tear it up

and use the next one.

-No.

I'll write on the

back of this one.

That's what Mr. Wilson would do.

He's always telling

me not to waste stuff.

Now we each take a pigeon

home, tie a message on him,

and then turn him loose, right?

-Right.

Then we'll meet up

back here in the park

and pick up the messages.

-Gee, I thought they'd deliver

them right to our houses.

-We'll train them

to do that later.

Now write your message.

-You-- you-- you gave

that pad to Dennis?

-Why are you getting so excited?

It was only a cheap scratch pad.

-That cheap scratch

pad had something

of vital importance

written on it.

-Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry,

dear, I didn't know.

-We'll, I'll have to get it

back from him right away.

-That note looks good and tight.

MR. WILSON (OFFSCREEN): Dennis!

-I'm back here, Mr. Wilson.

OK, boy, you're just about ready

to make your first delivery.

-Dennis.

-Hi, Mr. Wilson.

See this pigeon?

-Never mind the pigeon.

Never mind.

Do you have that writing

pad my wife gave you?

-Yes, sir, I've got it.

-Thank heaven.

Where is it?

-It's in my pocket.

-Oh.

Well, let that silly bird

go and give it to me.

-OK.

-H-- hurry.

Hurry.

There we are.

Uh, I-- I made a note

on the first page.

I can't find it.

-Oh, I tore it off and

wrote a message to Tommy

on the other side.

-All right, give that to me.

-Oh, I can't, Mr. Wilson.

It's on that pigeon

that just flew away.

-On that pigeon?

Oh, great Christopher!

-I sure didn't mean to cause

all this trouble, Mr. Wilson.

-Well, why didn't you try to

spot yours when it landed?

Now, which one of the two birds

with the paper tied to them

is yours?

-The gray and blue one.

-Well, they're both

gray and blue, son.

-Yes, sir.

But mine has more gray,

and Tommy's has more blue.

Right, Tommy?

-I think so.

-Oh.

Well, I'll pop the net over it.

Quiet, now.

MOONEY (OFFSCREEN): Wilson!

What goes on here?

-Oh, bother.

-Oh, catching yourself

some dinner, eh, Wilson?

-Nothing of the kind.

-Things must be

pretty tough when

you have to go

shopping with a net.

-I was not shopping.

-Oh, I don't blame you, Wilson.

Pigeon stew can be very tasty.

-Mooney, will you make an

effort not to be so stupid?

I was not after

pigeons for food.

-Well, if you say so, Wilson.

What's your recipe

for pigeon stew?

-Well, you boil the pigeon

with some potatoes-- oh, stop.

[chuckling]

-It's not the way

it looks, Sergeant.

Accidentally, Dennis

tied something

we want onto one of the

legs of the pigeons.

We were just trying

to get it back.

-That's right, Sgt. Mooney.

-Well, I hope that

satisfies you.

-Sure, Wilson, that explains it.

I have only one thing to ask.

-Yes?

-Invite me over when

you fix the pigeon stew.

I love it.

[laughing]

-Is pigeon stew really

good, Mr. Wilson?

-Delicious.

Now let's get back to work.

-Not that one, Mr. Wilson.

The other one's mine.

-Got him.

Got him.

Got him.

There we go.

Now we'll know

what stock to buy.

And just in time, too.

The market closes

in half an hour.

Here we are.

Easy.

Easy.

Now let's get that note.

Here.

Where is it?

Here we go.

Here it is.

Oh, our fortunes are made.

Here we are at last.

Now.

Dear Dennis, how are you?

I am fine.

Your friend, Tommy.

What?

-Uh-oh.

-Uh-oh, me too.

-Dennis, you made me

catch the wrong bird.

-Gee, I'm sorry, Mr. Wilson.

I guess mine has more blue

and Tommy's has more gray.

-Oh, this is terrible.

-Well, where is the other one?

Where is it?

Where did he go?

Where-- there goes

thousands of dollars,

flying into the

wild blue yonder.

-Mr. Wilson?

Mr. Wilson?

-They haven't come back yet.

-Well, it looks like those

confounded pigeons will never

come back to the park.

-Well, what rotten luck.

-You scared the

living daylights out

of them with that

net, Mr. Wilson.

-Dennis, never mind.

-Well, what are we

going to do, Henry?

We've got to get it back.

-Well, it's too late to

buy the stock today anyway.

The market's closed by now.

-Probably doubled

its price already.

If we don't buy it first thing

in the morning, we'll miss out.

Mathews said it

would go up fast.

-Hey, Mr. Wilson, I know how

we can catch that pigeon.

Tonight, while he's asleep.

-Oh, Dennis, please don't

bother us with-- asleep?

-Yes, sir.

Sgt. Mooney told us where

they roost at night, out

in the old Mulligan house.

-Say, John, that's an idea.

We could sneak out after dark

and pick out the right pigeon.

-And slap this net over

him before he wakes up.

Yes, sir, we'll do it.

-Gee, that's swell, Mr. Wilson.

I'd love to see you

and Dad get rich.

-Boy, am I glad to

get this stuff off.

What a stupid night.

-What are you beefing about?

I had to push you

around all day.

What's that?

-Oh, more instructions.

It says, lowly pledges,

you are ordered

to go at once to the

old Mulligan house

and stay there until midnight.

-In that spooky old place?

-If you leave there

before midnight,

a curse will be upon you.

Signed, Big Brother.

-Aw, nuts to that.

Let's go to a movie.

What do you say?

-Yeah, what the heck?

Let somebody else stay in that

creepy old Mulligan house.

-We'll hide out in the

movie, come back after : ,

and say we went to

the Mulligan house.

-Boy, you're going to be a

smart fraternity brother.

-Now, do be careful in that

rickety old house, all of you.

-Yes, you could take a bad fall

in the dark out there, John.

-Now just relax.

All we have to do is

move around quietly

so we don't wake them, find

the right bird, and grab it.

-Get out of here.

Those crummy pigeons.

-You know, this

ought to be a ball.

We're going to scare the

pants off of those pledges.

-By the time those guys get

out of here, they'll be wrecks.

This is the outfit

I want to get into.

Me King Kong.

-Hey.

You know, he looks like a

gorilla even without the suit,

don't he?

-Aw, get out of here.

[footsteps]

-Hey, what was that?

Shh.

Shh.

Listen.

Listen.

Hey, that's the guys.

Come on, let's get set.

-Boy, it sure is spooky in here.

-I'll say it is.

Hey, look at this.

-Mulligan Circus.

I'll bet the old boy

was proud of that.

-Wow.

Look at that.

-Shh.

Let's keep our voices

down, shall we?

Yah!

Bongo.

The world's most

horrible gorilla.

-Why, he sure is

a beaut, isn't he?

-I'd hate to run

into him in the dark.

-Yeah, look at those fangs.

-Shh.

Listen.

-What is it?

What is it?

[birds cooing]

-It's the pigeons.

You hear them?

Sounds like they're

all over the place.

-Well, there's only

one way to handle this.

We'll divide up and we'll

search this house from attic

to basement.

-That's right, boys.

And if you find the bird

with the note on him,

don't touch him.

Don't scare him.

-Oh, no, good heavens.

Just call me, and I'll

come with the net.

There's a lot of money

riding on that bird.

-OK.

Come on, Tommy.

Let's start with the upstairs.

-Now, Henry, I-- uh, you go that

way, and I'll look back here.

Henry, what's the matter?

-Oh, nothing.

I was just thinking it is

kind of spooky in here.

It almost makes you believe

what you hear about it.

-Now, Henry, don't let your

imagination run off with you.

Remember, cherchez la pigeon.

[thunder booming]

[pigeon cooing]

[thunder rumbling]

[birds cooing]

-Well, it isn't any of them.

[terrified stammering]

-Whoa.

John?

John, John, here.

-What is it, Henry?

What is it?

-There's a skeleton.

-What?

-He's hanging.

-Oh, now, Henry, I told you

not to let your imagination

run away with you.

-Don't tell me what I saw.

Come on, I'll show you.

-Oh, now, wait--

-Boy, there sure are a

lot of pigeons in there.

But none of them's got

Mr. Wilson's note on them.

-Hey Dennis, look what I found.

A plastic skull, just like

they sell in the trick shop.

-Let me see it.

-Well, I guess they used to use

this in Mr. Mulligan's circus.

[thunder rumbling]

-But John, I could have sworn I

saw him in there, plain as day.

-Now Henry, you're just jumpy.

-But John, he was--

-Henry, Henry.

-Hey, there's some more pigeons.

-What's this?

What?

What is it?

Yah!

-How'd your work go?

The guy was panicked.

-Oh, man, you should

have heard him yelp.

It was a riot.

-Which pledge was it?

-I don't know.

You can't see much of

anything with this head on.

Hey, where's Chet?

-He went up there with

the newspaper bit.

Come on, give me a hand.

-We found a lot of pigeons.

-Yeah, but not the right one.

-Well, I'd better go

on upstairs in case

the boys missed anything.

-Me and Tommy will look

in the back of the house.

-All right.

I'll check this room here.

[thunder rumbling]

[birds cooing]

[birds cooing]

-Henry!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

What?

Henry.

Henry.

Oh, am I glad to see you.

Oh, come here, look.

Look, Henry.

Right here.

[slicing sounds]

-John, come on, get

hold of yourself.

-This headless

man bit was a wow.

I couldn't see the

guy's face, but I

know it must have turned green.

-Oh, Muscles will

finish them both off

with that gorilla suit of his.

[door creaking]

-Somebody's coming.

-Yeah, who the heck can that be?

Hey.

-I told you I heard

somebody talking, Tommy.

-Now, what are you

kids doing here?

-What are you doing here?

-Yeah.

Why are you dressed

up like that?

It's not Halloween.

-Well, this is a

fraternity deal, kids.

See, we're initiating

two guys upstairs.

-My dad and Mr. Wilson?

-Who?

Your dad and-- we'd better get

this thing straightened out,

Chet.

-Right.

-I know exactly how you feel.

I-- I could have sworn

I saw a skeleton hanging

in that other room.

-Well, we'd better

not say anything

to the boys about this.

-All right.

-They'll think we're

off our rockers.

[thunder rumbling]

-Let's not waste any more time.

We've got to find that pigeon.

-I'll go on back upstairs, John.

-Uh-oh.

Uh.

-What's the matter?

-It's-- it's amazing, Henry,

how strong one's imagination can

get.

I've been looking at that

poster of the gorilla there,

and suddenly I imagined

I saw a real gorilla.

-John?

I imagine I see a real

gorilla too, right behind you.

-(TERRIFIED) Very

fascinating, Henry.

We've conjured up

such a strong picture

that I imagined I saw it move.

Well, there's one sure way to

prove that it's an illusion.

This-- this butterfly net

will go right through it.

[screaming]

-Look out!

-There's a gorilla in there.

Come on, let's get out.

-It's not a real gorilla, Dad.

Just fraternity stuff.

-What?

-We're-- we're-- sorry to

have frightened you, sir,

but we thought you were pledges.

We're initiating a

couple of guys this week,

but it just looks like

they didn't show up.

-Oh, for Pete's sake.

-You mean we've been

scaring the wrong guys?

Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

-He sure looks like

one, doesn't he?

MR. WILSON (OFFSCREEN): Henry!

-Jeepers, that's Mr. Wilson.

-He's in the room

across the hall.

-In here!

[thunder rumbling]

-John?

John?

Where are you, John?

-Henry, Henry, in here.

It's pulling my hair.

Get it off.

Get it off!

-It's him, Dad.

That's the one.

See the note?

-Our little

million-dollar pigeon.

-What?

We're rich.

We're rich.

Ha, ha!

-Alice, we're home.

We got it.

We got our pigeon.

ALICE (OFFSCREEN): Wonderful.

I'll be down in a minute.

-Well, we did it the hard

way, Henry, but we did it.

-Dad, that wasn't hard work.

That was fun.

-How much money are you

going to make, Mr. Wilson?

-Lots, lots.

Oh, and Henry,

first thing tomorrow

morning, we'll go down and

buy Consolidated Development

and Research Industries.

We'll make a fortune.

-How much do you think

it went up today?

-Well, why don't you look in

the evening paper and see?

-That's an idea.

All right.

-Henry, what's the

name of that stock

you two were going to buy?

-Um.

Uh, Consolidated Development

and Research Industries.

-Oh.

-What's the matter?

-Look at tonight's paper.

-Consolidated Development and

Research in sudden collapse.

-What?

I don't believe it.

Stockholders wiped out

in surprise bankruptcy.

Losses in millions.

Great Christopher.

-You mean if we had

bought that stock, we'd--

-We would have been

wiped out, every cent.

-Jeepers.

-Holy smoke.

-Boys, you sure saved our lives.

-We did?

-Boys, do you understand

what you've done?

-I think so, Mr. Wilson.

You mean me and Tommy

and those little pigeons

kept you and Dad from

being two big pigeons.

Right?

[chuckling]

[laughter]

[theme music]
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