03x02 - Peruvian Puff Pepper

[bunniefuu]

Drake: Sometimes, When You Plan.

To Do One Thing, Something

Totally Different Happens.

Josh: Once I Planned To Ride My.

Bike To The Mall.

I Hit A Bus.

Drake: Oh, And There Was This.

One Time I Planned A Surprise

Birthday Party For Josh...

Josh: And I'll Never Forget The.

Surprise Party Drake Planned

For My Birthday.

Drake: When He Walked In,

We'll All Yelled "Surprise."

Josh: I Just Wasn't Expecting.

To Be Surprised By All Those

People In Our Room.

Drake: Josh Was So Shocked, He.

Threw A Punch And Nailed Our

Aunt Barbara Right In The Jaw.

Josh: I Punched My Aunt Barbara.

But It Was An Accident!

Drake: When She
Woke Up, She Was.

So Mad, She Took The Present

She'd Bought For Josh And Ran

Over It In Our Driveway.

Josh: Then She Ran Over My New.

Cell Phone... With Her Truck.

Drake: The Whole Thing
Was Pretty Hysterical.

Josh: The Whole Thing Was.

Pretty Disturbing.

Drake: The Point Is...

Josh: The Point Is...

Drake: Whenever
You Plan Something...

Josh: If You're
Gonna Punch Your.

Aunt In The Face...

Drake: Don't Be Surprised When.

Things Take An Unexpected Twist.

Josh: She Might Just Run Over.

Your New Cell Phone.

Drake: Yep. Josh: Yeah.

Josh: Time To Make Some Salsa!

Radio Host: Welcome
To, "How To."

"Make Salsa" With
I, Horatio Hidalgo.

Josh: Hola.

Horatio: First, You Must Take.

Time To Appreciate Your

Ingredients, As If
They Were A Fine Woman.

Josh: Sorry, Ma'am.

Horatio: Now Begin Cutting Your.

Tomatoes Into Small Chunks.

I Call This "Chunking"
The Tomato.

Tomato. Josh:
Chunkin' The Tomato.

Drake, With Accent: But First...

You Must Smell Your Tomato.

Josh: Smell My Tomato?

Drake: Inhale The Aroma By.

Pressing It To Your
Nose With Great Force.

Josh: Cute. Very, Very Cute.

Drake: Gracias, Mi Hermano.

Josh: Look, I Don't Have Time.

For Your Jokes.

I Got A Lotta Salsa To Make.

Drake: For What?

Josh: This Year's
Big Salsa Fest.

Drake: Whatever.

Josh: Hey, Wait. If You Want,

You Can Be My Salsa Partner.

Drake: Wow! Really? I Can?!

That's... Not Gonna Happen.

Josh: Fine.

But If You Don't Help Me, Then

You Won't Win A Forty-Five Inch

High-Def Yatsabishi
Plasma Screen Tv.

Drake: A Yatsabishi
Plasma Screen Tv?!

Josh: Mmm-Hmm.

Drake: Like, A Big
One, For Our Room?!

Josh: Mmm-Hmm.

Drake: Just For
Winning A Stupid.

Salsa Contest?!

Josh: Mmmmm-Hmmmmm!!!

Drake: Would Ya Stop Humming?

We Got Salsa To Make!

Josh: Then Start
Chunkin' The Tomatoes!

Tomatoes! Drake: I'm Chunkin'!

Should I Get The First-Aid Kit?

Josh: Mmm-Hmmm.

Drake: ♪ I Never Thought

That It'd Be So Simple,
But I Found A Way,

I Found A Way, And...

If You Open Up Your Mind ♪

Chorus: ♪ See What's Inside

Drake: ♪ It's Gonna Take Some

Time To Realize, But
If You Look Inside,

I'm Sure You'll Find,

Over Your Shoulder, You'll Know

That I Told You I'll Always Be.

Picking You Up When You're
Down, So Just Turn Around ♪

♪ Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh

Megan: Why Are You
Guys Making Salsa?

Josh: So We Can Win This Year's.

Big Salsa Fest.

Drake: And Take Home A High-Def.

Plasma Screen Tv.

Megan: You Mean
One Of Those Big.

Flat Screens That
Goes On The Wall?!

Drake: That's Right.

Megan: Can I Be On
Your Salsa Team?!

Drake And Josh: Nooooo.

Megan: Why Can't I?

Drake: Well, Because...

When We Win, That Tv's Gonna

Go Into Our Room.

Megan: Why Can't We Put It In.

The Living Room So
Everyone Can Watch It?

Josh: Look, Megan, This Is Our.

Thing. Why Don't You Enter A

Cookie-Baking
Contest Or Somethin'.

Drake: Yes. Run Along Now.

Megan: Fine. I'll Go.

'Cuz I've Got Things To Do.

Josh: What Things?
Megan: Things.

Josh: What Do You Think She.

Meant By "Things" To Do?

Drake: Ah, She's Just
Trying To Scare Us.

Josh: What If She's In Our Room,

Doin' Something?

Drake: What Could She
Be Doing In Our Room?

Drake: Megan!!! Josh:
Get Out Of Our Room!!!

Drake: Megan! Josh:
What Are You Doin'?!

Drake: You See Her Anywhere?

Josh: No. But That's When She's.

Most Dangerous.

Walter: Which Of These Ties...

Drake And Josh: Aah!

Walter: Aah! [Thud]

Josh: Great, We Just Gave.

Dad A Heart att*ck.

Drake: Yeah. Well,
Back To The Salsa.

Well, Back To The Salsa.
[Running Footsteps]

Drake: I Think We Have Some.

Lemon Juice In The Fridge.

Josh: No, We Gotta Use Fresh.

Lemons From The Tree In The

Back... What's Up
With The Salsa?

Drake: It's Bubbling.

Josh: You're Not Supposed.

To Cook Salsa, Drake.

Did You Turn The Stove On?

Drake: Oh, Yeah.
Like I Know How.

To Work A Stove.

Josh: That's Weird. It's Off.

Drake: Then Why's It Bubbling?

Josh: If I Knew Why It Was.

Bubbling, Would I Be Wondering

Why It's Bubbling?!

Drake: Bubbling.

That's A Funny Word.

Bubbling... Bubbling.

Bubbling. [expl*si*n]

Audrey: What Was That?
Megan: I Don't Know.

Audrey: Oh... My... Kitchen.

Walter: What Happened In Here?!

[Overlapping Stammers]

Josh: T-T-The Salsa...
Drake: Exploded!

Josh: Yeah.

Walter: Well, We Can See That.

Audrey: Look At This Place!

Drake: It Wasn't Our Fault!

Walter: Oh, Really?

Audrey: Then Whose Fault Was
It? Josh: I Dunno! [Stammering]

Josh And Drake: Megan.

Audrey: Oh, Now You Guys're.

Gonna Try To Blame This On Your

Little Sister?

Walter: You Two Oughta Be.

Ashamed Of Yourselves.

Look How Sweet She Is,
Playing With Her Dolls.

Audrey: Now Clean This Up.

Josh: Man, I Am So Angry.

Drake: You Know Megan Did This.

Josh: Yeah. I Hate How Mom And.

Dad Think She's Soooo Sweet.

She's A Demon, That's
What She Is. A Demon!

Drake: Yeah, She Is.

Hey, What If We Give Mom And Dad

Proof About Megan?

Josh: What Kind Of Proof?

Drake: I Dunno.

But If We Search Her Room, I Bet

We Find Some Evidence.

Josh: Unh-Uh! All Right? She'll.

Catch Us And Then We'll Get

"Tazed" Or Somethin'.

Drake: No, C'mon!

We'll Go Tomorrow After School

While She's At Oboe Practice.

She Won't Catch Us.

Don't You Wanna Prove To Mom And

Dad She's A Demon?! Josh:
Okay. Yeah, Let's Do It.

Josh: Okay. Yeah, Let's
Do It. Josh: Will Ya Stop It?!

Drake: Let's Do This.

Josh: Wait!

Drake: What?

Josh: I'm Afraid. I've Never.

Been In Megan's Room Before.

Have You?

Drake: Once. When She Was Five.

Josh: And...?

Drake: She Pushed Me Out The.

Window And Told Mom I Fell.

Josh: I'm Outta Here.

Drake: She's At Oboe
Practice! Now, C'mon!

Josh: Okay, Now... Look.

Around, Find Some Evidence That

Proves She's A Demon, And Then

Let's Get Outta Here.

Drake: Yeah. This
Place Gives Me.

The Skeeves.

Josh: See Anything?

Drake: No. Look Under The Bed.

Josh: Ok. Anything Over There?

Drake: Josh, Josh, Come Here.

Josh: What?

Drake: Check Out
This Family Picture.

Josh: What About It?

Drake: I Look Goooood.

Josh: Will You Please
Stay Focused?!

See Anything Yet?

Check In The Closet.

Anything In There?

Drake: Man, There's Nothin'

In Here. It Just Looks Like A

Normal Little Girl's Room.

[Soft Beeping]
Josh: Oh, Ya Think?!

Holy Cheese! Look
At All That Equipment!

Josh: So This Is How She Always.

Knows What We're Doing.

What Do You Think This
Button Does? [Sizzling]

Josh: So That's Why
That's Been Happening!

I Thought It Was Puberty.

Drake: C'mon! Let's
Just Get This Back Up.

Josh: Right.

So What Do We Do Now?

Drake: When Mom And Dad Get.

Home, We Show 'Em This Stuff,

Then They'll See
How Megan Really Is.

Josh: Yeah, 'Cuz Now
We Got Evidence, Baby.

Evidence, Baby. C'mon,
Let's Get Outta Here!

C'mon, Let's Get Outta
Here! Put... It... Down.

Audrey: Hello.
Walter: We're Home.

Drake: They're Home!

Josh: Good! I Can't Wait To.

Expose Megan For The Evil Little

Troll She Is! Come On.

Mom! Dad! Come With Us!

Walter: What's Going On?!

Drake: You Think
Megan's A Sweet.

Little Angel?

Josh: Prepare To Think
Differently! Let's Go!

Megan: Oh, Hi.

Look, Mommy, I
Knitted You A Sweater.

Audrey: Awwwww.

Drake: Oh, Don't Act
All Innocent, Megan.

Josh: Yeah, Your Prankster Ways.

Are About To Be Exposed.

Megan: What Do You Mean?

Josh: This Is What I
Mean! Drake: Do It, Josh!

Megan: Mommy, They
Knocked My Poster Down!

Audrey: Aw, It's Okay, Sweetie.

Walter: Care To Explain?

Josh: Uh... Okay, Okay,

There Were Monitors Right There

And Dials... Oh! And
A Little Buzzer That

Hurt My Bottom.

Drake: It Was All Right Here!

There Was A Radar Thing...

Josh: And Buttons And Lights!

Megan: Why Are Drake And Josh.

Talking So Crazy?

I'm Scared!

Walter: Drake, Josh...
In Living Room. Now.

Megan: Why Do People
Have To Be Bad?

Audrey: Honey, You Just Go Back.

To Your Knitting,
Ok? Audrey: I'll Try.

Walter: Calling You Gentlemen.

Like You're Actual Gentlemen.

You're Boys! You
Behave Like Children!

Children! Audrey:
Poor Little Monkeys.

[Josh Grunts]

Josh: Who Knew
Tomatoes Were So Heavy?!

Y'know, You Coulda Helped Me.

Drake: Hey, I Got The Cilantro.

Audrey: Hey, Boys.

Listen, I Think It Was Really

Great Of You Guys To Let Megan

Help You With Your Salsa.

Josh: Hah?

Drake: She's Not Helping Us.

Josh: Yeah, We Told Her No.

Audrey: Well, That's Weird.

'Cuz She's Upstairs In Her Room

With A Bunch Of
Salsa Ingredients.

Megan: Whassup, Boobs?

Josh: Okay, What Are You Doing?

Megan: Makin' Salsa.

Drake: Why?

Megan: 'Cuz I Wanna Win The.

Plasma Screen Tv.

You Guys Wouldn't Let Me On

Your Team, So I'm Gonna
Enter My Own Salsa.

Wanna Taste?

Josh: Yeah. I Do.

Megan: Too Bad. Get Out.

Drake: Okay, Go Ahead.

Enter The Contest.

We Don't Care.

Megan: Good.

Josh: Good! Let's
Get Outta Here.

You Know What? You Just

Remember One Thing, Little Girl.

I've Been Makin' Salsa For Five

Years. So If You Even Think
You're Gonna b*at Drake And I...

Josh: So Whaddaya Think?

Drake: Awesome.

This Is The Best Salsa Ever.

Josh: We Done Good,
Brothah! Knuckle Touch.

[Doorbell Rings]

Who's That?

Drake: I Dunno.

Megan: Just Sit Down, I Got It.

Man: Hi.

Are You Miss Megan Parker?

Megan: Yeah. You Pharnsworth?

Pharnsworth: Indeed.

So, I Brought The
Peruv... Megan: Shhhhh.

Megan: Shhhhh. Let's
Talk In The Kitchen.

Drake: Hey, Who Is That Guy?
Megan: None Of Your Bees Guts.

Okay, Let's See What Ya
Got! Pharnsworth: Very Well...

Megan: [Gasps] Oh, My God...

The Peruvian Puff Pepper.

Pharnsworth: Yes, And These Are.

Among The Finest Specimens In

The World. The "Pinnacle Of"

"Peppers," If You Will. Ha Ha...

I'm A Botanist.

Megan: Really.

So How Much For The Peppers?

Pharnsworth: Fifty.

Megan: Dollars?!

Pharnsworth: Young Lady, These
Are The Rarest Peppers Known To.

Mankind. I'm Afraid It's Fifty

Dollars Or No Deal.

Megan: Forty.

Pharnsworth: Deal.

Thank You.

So, What Are You Making?

Megan: Salsa... For A Contest.

Pharnsworth: Well, If You Put.

These Peppers In Your Salsa,

You'll Win For Sure.

Megan: I Know.

Pharnsworth: I'd Better Go.

Got A Big Date Tonight.

Megan: Dinner With Your
Mom? Pharnsworth: Yes.

Josh: Thank You.
Enjoy The Movie.

So, What Does It Say
About The Pepper?

Drake: Let's See...

It Says, "The
Peruvian Puff Pepper."

Grown Only In The Northwestern

Mountains Of Peru, This

Extremely Rare Pepper Is Highly

Desirable For Its Exotic

"Sweet Taste And Spicy Heat."

Josh: So How Do We Buy Some?

Drake: Can't. Says Here,

"They're Only Available
In South Ah M'reeka."

What?

Josh: South America!!!

Drake: Ahhhhhhh.

Josh: Stupid Puff Peppers. We.

Can't Let Megan Win That Plasma

Screen! What Are We Gonna Do?

Drake: I'll Tell Ya
What We're Gonna Do.

We're Gonna Steal
Megan's Puff Peppers.

Josh: We Can't Do That!

Drake: Gimme One Reason.

Josh: It's Mean.

Drake: Josh, Think Back.

Can You Think Of A Couple Of

"Mean" Things Megan's Done To Us

In The Past Couple Of Years?

Megan: Boo! Josh: Aah!

Josh: Aah! What
The... What The...

Drake: Well...?

Josh: Let's Steal
Her Puff Peppers.

Drake: There's The Bag! Get It.

Josh: No!

What If It's Rigged To
Explode?! Drake: Get The Bag!

[Whimpers]

Drake: Just Grab It!
[Josh Shrieks Softly]

[Josh Shrieks
Softly] Megan: Get Up!

Josh: Megan!!! What's
The Matter With You?!

Megan: I Want My
Peruvian Puff Peppers.

Josh: Peruvian Puff Peppers?

Drake: Is That A Band?

I'm Afraid I'm Not Familiar With

Their Work.

Josh: And I'm Afraid I'm Gonna.

Have To Ask You To Leave.

Ooh! Ooh!

Megan: I Want My Puff Peppers.

And I Want Them Now!
Drake: Knock It Off!

Woman: Mmmm... Very Good Salsa.

Very Good Salsa.
Megan: Thank You.

Man: Ohhh... This Is Excellent.

Superb.

Josh: We Try. Man:
Well, You Succeed.

Man: All Right, If I Can Please.

Have Your Attention...

I See All Judges Have

Finished Scoring Their Salsas,

And Now The Time Has Come To

Announce The Winner
Of This Year's Competition.

And The Winner For Best

Traditional Salsa, Who Will

Also Take Home This Beautiful

Forty-Five Inch Yatsabishi

Plasma Screen Television Is...

The Team Of Drake
Parker And Josh Nichols!

Josh: Yes! That's Right!

Man: Come On Up Here, Boys!

Congratulations.

Josh: Thank You Very Much.

Megan: Hey! What's Your Secret?

Crowd: Yeah!

Man: We'd All Love To Know.

Drake: Go Ahead. We Already Won.

Josh: All Right.

Well, There Are Many Secrets To

Making Our Fine Salsa, But The

Most Important Is The

Utilization Of The Rare
Peruvian Puff Pepper.

Man: The Peruvian Puff Pepper?

Josh: Yeah. Drake: Why,
Is There A Problem?

Man: I Know, I Know!

I'm Very Sorry, But The

Peruvian Puff Pepper Has Been

Illegal In The United States

Ever Since It Was Proven To

Cause Kidney Failure
And/Or Chapped Lips.

Boys, I'm Afraid We're Going To

Have To Disqualify Your Salsa.

Megan: Awwww.

Man: Which Means...

Our Grand Prize Goes To Our

Second Place Finalist...
Miss Megan Parker!

Megan: Thank You!
How Great Is This Day?!

Josh: Okay, Megan...

Drake: You Set
Us Up, Didn't You?

Megan: What, You Think I.

Purposely Got The Peruvian Puff

Peppers Knowing You'd Steal Them

And Use Them In Your Own Salsa,

Just So I Could Point It Out To

The Judges, Get You

Disqualified, And Then Walk Away

With The Yatsabishi Plasma

Screen Tv For Myself?

C'mon. I'm Not That Smart.

[Knock On Door]

Audrey: Hi, Baby.

Walter: Hey, Megan.

Megan: Oh, Hi!

Audrey: How Do Ya Like Your New.

Plasma Screen?

Megan: Love It.

Walter: Whatcha Watchin'?

Megan: Oh, Just A Show That.

Teaches Kids How We Can All Work

Together To Help
Our Environment.

Audrey: How Sweet.

Walter: Well, We Don't
Wanna Interrupt.

Megan: Where's Drake And Josh?

Audrey: They're Re-Painting The.

Walls Because Of All That Salsa

They Splattered Everywhere.

Megan: Well, It's Nice That.

They're Finally Taking

Responsibility
For Their Actions.

Audrey: Yeah.

Walter: True.

Audrey: 'Night, Baby.
Megan: Good Night.

[Overlapping Arguing]

Drake: I Never Do Anything,

And You Always Get Me Into

Trouble. We Wouldn't Be In This

Mess If You Weren't
Making Your Salsa...

Josh: Oh, Making My Salsa!

Megan: My Favorite
Show... Boob And Boober.

Josh: Come On!
Come On! [Yelling]

Drake: Let's See How It Is With.

A Little More Cayenne Pepper...

Okay, Here, Taste.

Josh: No. That's A
Lot Of Cayenne.

Drake: So?

Josh: You Know I Have
A Spastic Tongue!

Drake: How Many Spastic Parts.

Can One Person Have?

Josh: Seven.