04x02 - Vicious Tiberius

[bunniefuu]

I'll tell you this...

Handling a bad situation

Can be very stressful.

Watching josh deal

With a bad situation

Can be very hysterical.

Like the time I donated

Blood.

Like the time he donated

Blood at school.

Oh!

So this attractive nurse

Sticks a needle in my arm,

Right?

This insanely hot nurse

Shoves a needle in josh's arm...

Oh, but no one told me that

It was the nurse's first day on

The job.

It was her first day being a

Nurse.

So as soon as my blood starts

Coming out...

And when she sees the first

Drop of josh's blood...

She faints.

She passes out.

And when she fell down, the

Tube slipped off the needle, and

My blood started just spurting

All over the room.

Spurting!

Josh's arm was spewing blood

Like a garden hose.

Oh, yeah, so after I lose

Like a quart of blood, I passed

Out.

Then he fainted.

I was so unconscious.

I got blood all over my blue

Sweater.

Yeah, good times.

Look at this sweater!

Look at it!

[Rock music playing]

You know, another interesting

Piece of trivia about mark twain

Is that before he was an author,

He worked for a company that

Manufactured chewing gum.

So I guess you could call him a

Chew chew twain.

Why don't people ever laugh at

My jokes?

[Bell rings]

Ok, don't forget to hand in your

Essays before you leave.

Here's my essay,

Mrs. Hayfer.

Oh, how nice.

I'm sucker for translucent

Lavender.

Mmm, well, who isn't?

Drake.

Yes, ma'am?

You were supposed to hand in

An essay on current events.

Yeah, which I did.

No, this is today's newspaper

With your name written on top...

In crayon.

Well, you can't get more

Current than today's paper,

Right, josh?

Oh, please, leave me out of

This.

You know what this means,

Drake?

An "f"?

Oh, that is one question you

Always get right.

And guess what else?

What?

I hate you.

I know.

[Cell phone rings]

Uh, stay.

Hello?

Yes, marta, what is it?

Oh, I see.

No, I'm not angry.

It's fine.

I said I'm not angry!

Good-bye!

Is everything ok?

No, my housekeeper just

Canceled for the weekend.

I'm going away, and now I have

No one to watch my house.

Really?

Oh, don't do it.

Well, I'll do it.

So he does it.

Josh, that's very sweet, but

I have a dog and lots of plants.

You don't want to go--

Whoa, whoa, I'm great with

Dogs and plants.

When I was little, I had a

Poodle and a fern.

I named them both jerry.

Of course, you did.

Well, I am stuck.

If you really don't mind--

Ahh, I'm all over it.

Well, thank you, josh.

And as for you, drake...

I spent years in post graduate

School to become a teacher.

I've won national teaching

Awards.

I'd appreciate it if you would

Show me and my assignments due

Respect.

You know you got a little

Booger right there?

If you want to get it, that's--

Oh! Oh!

He's not worth it!

He's not worth it!

I'll let go!

♪ I never thought

That it'd be so simple, but

I found a way,

I found a way,

If you open up your mind-- ♪

♪ See what's inside

♪ It's gonna take some time

To realign-- ♪

♪ Ooh

♪ But if you look inside

I'm sure you'll find-- ♪

♪ Ohh

♪ Over your shoulder,

You know that I told you

I'll always be picking you up

When you're down,

So just turn around,

Ooh-ooh-ooh, oooooooh ♪

[Rock music playing]

All right, could you move it

A little bit to the left?

Hey, pop.

Oh, hey.

What's that thing?

Oh, it's an elliptical

Machine.

For who?

For me.

I'm going to start working out.

Ok, ok, ok.

I'd like to know what's so funny

About me working out.

Oh, nothing.

You see, it's just the thought

Of you actually working out.

Well, I bought it because I'm

Competing in channel 's annual

K fun run.

Again?

But doesn't that other weather

Man always b*at you?

What's his name, uh--

Uh, bruce winchell.

I told you never to mention

His name in this house.

And for the record, I'm going to

Win this year.

Bruce winchell's not running?

[Cranking]

He's running.

I'm just going to run faster.

[Laughter]

[Cranking]

I'm going to grab a

Mocha cola.

Oh, hey, car keys.

Where you headed?

Oh, I promised my teacher

That I would take care of her

House while she's out of town.

So I'm just going to feed her

Dog and water her plants and

Stuff.

Oh, good.

On your way home, would you pick

Megan up from oboe practice?

I'm going to be here all night

Working out.

Ha!

It's not funny!

I'll pick up megan.

Thank you.

I'll see you in an hour.

Ok.

Hey, I'm going to ride with

You.

Why?

Well, 'cause I want to help

You do stuff for mrs. Hayfer.

Ok, the cheerleaders practice

Outside on saturdays and it's on

The way.

So let's drive by slowly.

No, all right?

We're not going to gawk at

Cheerleaders.

Lori mcneil and karen

Franklin are going to be there.

Don't they hate each other?

Yes, they do.

Think there might be a slap

Fight?

If we're lucky.

We'll drive by the

Cheerleaders.

[Rock music playing]

Why is it so much fun to

Watch cheerleaders fight?

Don't question it,

Just love it.

True that.

Hey, mrs. Hayfer has

A pretty nice place.

Ehh, I've seen nicer.

All right, she said she was

Going to leave me a note, which

Should be right... Here.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, no snooping.

I'm not snooping.

I'm rifling through her drawers

To see what lies within.

Well, I'm in charge.

And I don't want you rifling

Through mrs. Hayfer's drawers.

Tah!

Oh, grow up.

Wow!

This girl's seriously hot.

Miss new jersey .

That's mrs. Hayfer.

That's mrs. Hayfer?

There's a new jersey?

Yeah, they just opened it.

Now just stay put while I water

The plants.

[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"]search for the stars.[/Span]

Will you put that back?

I want to see what it is.

All right, fine.

Just make sure you leave

Everything the way it was.

Yeah, yeah.

Noise, noise.

So how about those turnpikes?

No way!

What is it?

It's mrs. Hayfer on [span tts:fontstyle="italic"]search[/span]

[Span tts:fontstyle="italic"]for the stars,[/span]like,

From a million years ago.

Get out of here.

Yeah, she's doing stand-up

Comedy.

So who here is from new

Jersey? No? Well,

We've got this diner there.

And there's this really old

Waitress and she has a name tag

That said ethel lincoln. And I

Said, "oh, are you a descendant

Of abraham lincoln's?"

And she said, "descendant?

I'm his mother." Am I right?

It wasn't funny.

Well, so I have a cat.

[Crash and glass breaking]

Ok, who threw the chair?

Hey, she has a booger in her

Nose there, too.

Oh, look, a dog.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, his name is tiberius.

Yeah, I'm supposed to feed him

And give him his ear medicine,

Which is... Right here.

Will you hold his ear while put

The drops in?

I don't want to touch a dog's

Infected ear. Gross!

Gross?

On the way here you ate a peanut

Off of the car floor.

It was honey roasted.

Hold the ear.

Fine.

Ok, hi, tiberius.

This is my brother, drake.

And he's just going to hold your

Ear while I put--

[Growls and barks]

Aah!

Man, did you see those teeth?

Do you see the stain?

What's this dog's problem?

Its problem is it wants

To eat us and we're in here.

Mrs. Hayfer asks you to watch

Her house, but doesn't mention

Her dog is homicidal.

It's not on the list.

It stopped.

Yeah.

Maybe he went into another

Room. Go outside and check.

You check.

No!

I'm scared.

Oh, and I'm in here 'cause I

Love hanging with you by a

Toilet.

Come on.

All right.

Ahh.

You just turn it.

You just turn it. I know how to work a knob.

I know how to work a knob.

Do you see him?

No, I think he's gone.

Ok, now let's just walk out--

Aah!

Oh, my god!

Oh, how are we going to get

Out of here?

We got to get help.

Oh, I'll call dad.

Oh, great.

Oh, great!

[Telephone ringing]

♪ I'm on a highway

To nowhere,

Trying to get by

Without you,

I don't know how

It took you so long, you ♪

Well?

No answer.

You probably dialed the wrong

Number. Let me see it.

I think I know our own

Number.

Dude, just let me try--

Dude, just let me try-- [both mumble and grunt]

[Both mumble and grunt]

Nice!

It's your fault. Go get it.

I'm not putting my hand

In there. That's where

Mrs. Hayfer pees.

Probably doesn't even work

Anymore.

Yeah, well, let's see.

[Toilet flushes]

It still works.

I knew the toilet still

Worked, drake. I meant my phone.

Oh, well, that's gone.

Well, give me your phone.

Oh, all right.

Um...

What?

Ahh!

I set it down out there

When I put the dvd in.

Nice!

Well, look, hey, the dog

Hasn't barked in for a while, so

He's probably in another room.

So?

So run out there, grab my

Phone, and come back before

Tiberius kills you.

But you're faster than me, so

It's less dangerous if you go.

Ok, fine.

Open the door on .

Ok.

Ok. Ok, , , .

Ok, , , .

You hit the door.

Yeah, why didn't you open it?

You didn't say go.

I said on .

Yeah, , , , go.

Fine, on go.

, , , Go.

Aah!

Aah!

I got it!

Oh!

Hi, there, tiberius.

Lay down.

No? Ok.

Aah!

Oh!

Head trauma.

What happened?

Tiberius tried to snack on my

Face, that's what happened.

Well, did you get the cell

Phone?

Yeah.

Yes!

But I dropped it.

Oh, man!

No, wait, wait, wait.

[Growls]

[Crunch]

You were so scared, you couldn't

Hold on to the cell phone?

You wet your pants.

This is true.

This is true. [Growls and barks]

[Growls and barks]

[Rock music playing]

You realize we've been stuck

In here for over an hour, don't

You?

Yes, and don't whine to me.

You're the one who just had to

Go sucking up to mrs. Hayfer.

[Italian accent] ooh,

I'm josh, and I'd just love

To help you take care of your

House, mrs. Hayfer.

Ok, so when did i, like,

Become italian?

You got my point.

What, you really think I want

To spend my saturday night

Locked in my english teacher's

Bathroom with you?

Oh, come on.

This is probably the most

Exciting saturday night you've

Had in years.

Oh, you know what?

So!

I mean, you really shouldn't

Be going through mrs. Hayfer's

Medicine cabinet.

Yeah, yeah, there's lots of

Stuff I shouldn't do.

Topical ointment?

Apply twice daily to relieve

Itching. Ew!

Hello, anybody home?

Who's that?

It sounds like megan.

Drake? Josh?

That is megan.

How did she know we--

Oh, no!

She's outside with tiberius.

No, he'll eat her alive!

Come on.

Dude!

Well, just 'cause she gets

Eaten doesn't mean we have to.

That's our little sister out

There. Now we gotta

Go help her.

Oh, all right.

Come on.

[Loud whisper] megan!

Run!

I don't want to run.

[Loud whisper] but he's

Vicious.

Yeah, he's real vicious.

Ooh, down, boy.

Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary.

You're so scary.

I don't get it.

Well, he's all calm.

Evil dog, evil girl.

Makes perfect sense.

Where have you two been?

You were supposed to pick me up

Hours ago.

How'd you know we were here?

Dad said you were stopping

Here and then picking me up,

Which you didn't.

We couldn't.

Yeah, we were trapped here by

This demon dog.

What are you talking about?

When you're not around, he

Goes all berserk and tries to

k*ll us.

Really?

Yeah.

See ya.

[Growls and barks]

Aah!

Whoa!

Oh! Ahh!

[No audio]

[Rock music playing]

Dude, you've been doing that

For a half hour.

If you have to pee, pee already.

I can't go with you in here.

Why not?

I get stage fright.

We talked about this.

You just bend your knees, wiggle

Your hips, and think about

Waterfalls.

All right, close your eyes.

Hello, anyone home?

[Zips pants]

Now who's here?

Hello, animal control.

Animal control?

Go, go, go.

Hey.

Hi.

You boys have a canine issue?

Yeah, how'd you know?

Yeah, we got a call from one

Of the neighbors.

Said she had heard loud barking

And girls screaming all night

Long.

Are you the screaming girls?

Maybe.

Sort of.

Ok, where's the dog?

We're not sure.

But you should put on some

Protective padding or something.

Yeah, this dog is big and way

Out of control.

Look, boys, I've been doing

This years.

Don't worry about me.

I can handle any dog situation

That could possibly--

[Dog barks and growls]

Aah!

[Screaming]

[Dog barking]

Aah!

Oh!

Aah!

Aah! There's my--aah!

[Rock music playing]

So...

You've been an animal control

Guy for years, huh?

Trained to handle any kind of

Dog situation, have you?

I've never seen a dog like

This one.

I've never seen anything this

Scary, and I fought in 'nam.

'Nam?

You know, vietnam.

Where's that, new jersey?

What's wrong with him?

You know, we're not sure.

Look, do you want to spend

The rest of our saturday night

Insulting me or you want to

Figure a way out of here?

Well, I mean, you're the

Animal control guy.

Why don't you go out there

And control that beast?

No, uh-uh, I'm not going out

There and let that monster chew

My butt off.

I'm going to sit right here on

This toilet, thank you very

Much.

Well, fine.

We're getting out of here

Right now.

Good luck, hamburger meat.

Hey, hand me that bar of soap

Over there.

What, you've never seen a man

Whittling on a toilet?

Actually, no.

No, we haven't.

Right, so how do we get out

Of here?

Ok, I think that if we run

Out and split up, just run in

Different directions, we'll be

Able to confuse him.

And we'll get to the door,

Before he can k*ll us.

Want to go for it?

I don't know.

It's kind of risky.

Hey, young man, feel this

Lump on my shoulder and you tell

Me if it should be removed.

Yeah, let's do it.

Ok.

On , ready?

All right.

, , .

[Both screaming]

[Both screaming] [dog barking]

[Dog barking]

Whoa!

Ahh!

[Crash]

Uh!

Aah!

Josh! Help!

Josh!

I'm dangling and rotating.

Oh!

Josh, help!

Drake, hold on!

Woo!

Josh!

Josh, where'd you go?

I'm in the kitchen!

Oh, this is no time for

Snacking.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Look, tiberius, meat.

Come on.

Uh!

[Barks and growls]

Ha ha!

Sucka!

Ok, drake, come down.

Oh!

Ok, that's more like it.

[Indistinct chatter]

He's gone?

He's gone!

Oh, hug me, brother!

Aah!

[Growls and barks]

[Both scream]

Uh!

[Indistinct screams]

[Thump]

[Rock music playing]

Ooh!

Ow!

And we are home!

Oh, I love this home.

Oh, me, too, bro.

Ha!

That was insane.

I've never been so scared in

My life.

I know, right?

Oh, we better tell dad what

Happened.

Yeah.

Dad!

Hey, walter!

Pop!

I wonder where he went.

[Rock music playing]

Hello!

Drake!

Josh!

Josh! Hello, who's that?

Hello, who's that?

'Sup?

Hello.

Hello. I made a duck.

I made a duck.

Drake!

Drake! Josh!

Josh!

Hey.

Oh!

Nice doggie!

Whoa, pooch!

Oh! Oh! Whoa!

No, no, nice doggie.

Oh!

Ahh!

[Rock music playing]

So why do they call it new

Jersey, if they've never even

Had a plain old jersey?

I don't know.

I wasn't at the meeting.

Hey, turn it to channel .

I'm going to go grab a drink.

[Indistinct talking on tv]

Hmm.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Ahh!

Ahh!

So is there an old hampshire?

Right.

[Banging]

[Bell rings]

Mmm.

Mmm. [Buzzing]