05x01 - The Tragedy of the Commons

[bunniefuu]

♪ I've seen all good people
turn their heads each day ♪

♪ So satisfied I'm on my way ♪

♪ I've seen all good people
turn their heads each day ♪

♪ So satisfied I'm on my way ♪

♪ Take a straight and stronger course ♪

♪ To the corner of your life ♪

♪ Make the white queen run so fast ♪

♪ She hasn't got time ♪

♪ To make you a wife ♪

♪ 'Cause it's time, it's time in time ♪

♪ With your time and its news ♪

♪ Is captured ♪

♪ For the queen to use... ♪

[PEOPLE SHOUTING]

[MAN] Keep your hands off of me!

- [GAVEL BANGING]
- Come on, Scotty.

Now, if anybody tries to stop us,

you just bite 'em on the ankle, okay?

No one's listening to me!

[GRUNTS]

♪ 'Cause it's time,
it's time in time... ♪

- Oh, God!
- Hey, hey, hey!

♪ Is captured... ♪

Oh!

Oh, oh! No!

- No, no! No! It was a human error!
- [SCOTTY] Wait.

I can ex... Not deliberate!
Human error. Oh, God!

Scotty, wait, Scotty.

- Mom!
- Scotty! Don't worry, okay?

- Where's my daughter?
- [SCOTTY] Mom!

Scotty!

Oh... Oh, it's okay, hon.

Don't worry, the police
are just helping Mommy.

["I'VE SEEN ALL GOOD
PEOPLE" BY YES PLAYING]

Mom!

No, I...

- Mom!
- Scotty!

- [HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]
- [SIRENS WAILING]

[WOMAN ON BULLHORN] Scandia
Middle School meeting is now over!

[CONTINUING INDISTINCTLY]

The meeting is over.

♪ I've seen all good people
turn their heads each day ♪

♪ So satisfied I'm on my way ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I've seen all good people
turn their heads each day ♪

♪ So satisfied I'm on my way ♪

♪ I've seen all good people
turn their heads each day ♪

♪ So satisfied I'm on my way ♪

♪ I've seen all good people
turn their heads each day ♪

♪ So satisfied... ♪

[WOMAN] Freedom!

♪ I've seen all good people... ♪

sh**t.

♪ Each day so satisfied ♪

♪ I'm on my way... ♪

I tell ya. [SCOFFS]

♪ I've seen all good people
turn their heads each day ♪

♪ So satisfied... ♪

[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

Ma'am, I'm sorry,
could, um... could you...

I'm worried about my daughter,

who just saw her mama
carted away in handcuffs.

Well, you should have thought about that

- before you tased the officer.
- Should have thought,

"Oh, boy, I hope my daughter

don't see her mama
carted away in handcuffs"?

[SIREN WAILING]

What's the world coming
to is all I'm saying.

Neighbor against neighbor.

That... I agree with you there.

We were just trying, me
and my girl, to get out.

School board meeting, my A-S-S.

And then Mr. Abernathy,
the math teacher,

he came at me like something
from a zombie movie.

Which, don't come at a mama
lion when she's got her cub.

You know what I mean?

But the officer... that...

He was just wrong place, wrong time.

Well, here's what I know.

It's a beautiful day.

And you know what they
call a herd a lions?

A pride.

So think about that.

[TURN SIGNAL CLICKING]

♪ If you have friends ♪

♪ In Gloryland ♪

♪ Who left because of pain ♪

Makeup bag.

♪ Thank God up there ♪

♪ They'll die no more... ♪

Can I at least fix my h...

♪ They'll suffer ♪

♪ Not again ♪

♪ Then weep not, friends... ♪

My prints, do they...

♪ I'm going... ♪

Is there a national
database you put those in?

Why? You some kind of fugitive?

♪ We'll die no more... ♪

No. I just...

- don't want this to turn into a big deal.
- Okay.

♪ Be made up there ♪

♪ No graves ♪

♪ On that bright shore. ♪

Oh, geez, hon. Looks like you
had a heck of a time of it.

Last school board meeting I ever do.

- Here.
- Okay.

Oh, gosh, they put
those cuffs on so tight.

Ya.

- Here.
- Okay.

How come you look so nice?

Oh, going to Mom's for the,
uh, Christmas card deal.

- Tonight?
- Yeah.

Scotty's there already.

Went with Jerome, her major domo.

[DOT SNIFFLES]

Well, hon, look at me.

I've been in the hoosegow.

I got lice, possibly.

Yeah, well, believe you me,

I asked if we could move
it, but you know Mom.

Well, I got your frock
and hair stuff in the car.

I just scooped all
your makeup into a bag.

Except the bronzer, on account of

- you said it gives you hives.
- Mm.

Look, we're in this rental today.

[CAR ALARM CHIRPS]

Lots... and lots of leg room.

- Okay, then.
- Yep. Here you go.

- Thank you.
- All right.

Is Scotty...

Was she upset?

You know...

nothing some SpongeBob and her Game Boy

- couldn't fix.
- Hm.

It was mayhem, hon, I tell ya.

Lucky I had the Taser.

Although, on second thought,

maybe better if I hadn't
been so freewheeling with it.

So they give you a summons or what?

Full-on arrest scenario.

Fingerprints, perp photo.

- Geez.
- Mm. [SHORT CHUCKLE]

You're lucky they didn't
ask to look up my hidey hole.

[LAUGHS]

Well,

Mom said she's putting
Danish Graves on it, so...

You told your mom?

I mean, yeah. I...

What else am I suppo...

She's the one with all the connections.

The lawyers, judges.

When they called, the police said you

shocked a cop, so...

On accident, to be fair.

Yeah. Well,

Danish says the boys
in blue get real miffed

when you rough 'em up, so,

not sure how easy he
can make this go away.

You might have to do
some community service.

Mm. You mean, on top of
the hours a week I spend

raising money for the PTA,

the Girl Scouts and the new library?

Ya.

I can't believe you told your mom.

♪ ♪

Go ahead.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON COMMS]

Checking now.

- Is it Christmas already?
- No, ma'am.

First comes Halloween,
then Thanksgiving.

This is just for the card.

Over the mountain and
through the... loop.

Ah.

That's close enough, huh?

You sure you don't want to wear a dress?

Oh, sh**t.

- Suit's more dress-up.
- Oh, that's true.

Think I salvaged it.

[GASPS] You look great, hon.

- Thanks.
- Doesn't she, Dad?

Oh... my.

Splendid.

Okay, we're ready here, if
you want to alert Mrs. Lyon.

- [DOT] Hey, come here.
- [SCOTTY] Dad did it backwards?

[DOT] Um, hey, hon, you got any nuts?

I'm starving.

There's a dinner
after. Maybe not for us.

- Oh.
- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

I'm here.

- You're ruining my entrance.
- What?

- You're...
- Oh. Uh... Uh...

I'm here.

Mrs. Lyon, I set you up
here in front of the tree.

I hope that's acceptable.

Where's my granddaughter?

- I'm here, Nana.
- Where?

- Right here.
- Hmm.

How progressive.

Let's put the
cross-dresser in the center.

Wayne, you and your outlaw
wife can sit on the bench.

Wink and I will flank.

All right.

And shall I...

Family only.

[SCOFFS]

Jerome.

["SLEIGH RIDE" BY JACK JONES PLAYING]

What the heck?

It's about strength,

a projection of our values as a family.

♪ Come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together... ♪

Make a choice, dear.

♪ Outside the snow is falling ♪

♪ And friends are calling "Yoo hoo"... ♪

[PHOTOGRAPHER] Perfect.

Okay.

Yeah, everybody look in the lens.

And give me that Christmas spirit.

♪ In a wonderland of snow ♪

♪ Giddyap, giddyap,
giddyap, it's grand... ♪

[LORRAINE] Wayne, you
remember the attorney general.

Of course.

Voted for you twice.

That-that's some election humor.

[MICK] Not funny, is
it, that sort of talk,

what with our nation under siege?

[CLEARS THROAT] No
politics at the table.

I was just telling Mick about this mess

your wife got herself into.

- Wait. I thought...
- Hmm?

We talked about off-lining
this conversation until...

- Mommy zapped a police.
- [DOT] Oh.

We don't need to talk
about that now, do we? No.

Well, like I was telling
your mother-in-law here,

I'll look into it.

[DANISH] Objection. I-I just want

to be clear that nothing
said at this table

over any course, including dessert,

- should be considered an admission of...
- [WHINING]

[WAYNE] Well, what-whatever
happened, you know, I...

I don't have to tell
you, I was worried sick

when I heard.

[THIGPEN] 'Course, assaulting
an officer, that's...

Allegedly.

It was an accident.

I'm sorry?

I'm just saying that...

Never mind.

What were you doing
there in the first place?

I mean, it was a school board meeting.

- I'm on the committee for the new library.
- Mm.

We're trying to raise money to
expand thrillers and mysteries.

- Mm.
- Lee Child and the like.

Can't you just give money
like a normal person?

Come on now, Ma. We-we don't have, uh...

I mean, I-I make a good wage, but...

You have a trust.

Just talk to Danish.

Nothing frivolous, of course,

which... thrillers... mm.

May want to think that
through a little more.

Or here's a thought.

Write your own pulp fiction

now that you're an outlaw.

Oh. [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHTER]

[WINK] You know, Rommel
wasn't a tall man.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[DOT] Did you brush your teeth?

- [EXHALES LOUDLY]
- Mm.

- [LAUGHS]
- Okay.

- Mama?
- Yeah.

Are you going to jail?

You mean again? No.

We're gonna get that sorted out,

and I am gonna be here when
you wake up in the morning,

like always.

Can we have Bisquick?

Silver dollar, just like you like 'em.

- You ready?
- Yeah.

Okay. Pirates. Arr!

"Scurvy swabs."

You want to take a tumble?

Oh, hon, I'm...

You don't want that tonight.

It was a heck of a day.

I had to sponge my pits

in your mom's commode
like a French lady.

Yeah. Well, maybe I like that.

Caged heat.

I'm flattered, believe me.

But if you try to touch me right now,

I'm gonna have to tase you, too.

Message received.

Will it bother you if
I watch Blue Bloods?

Knock yourself out.

[PEOPLE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TABLET]

["HEY JOE" BY CHARLOTTE
GAINSBOURG PLAYING]

♪ Hey, Joe ♪

♪ Where you goin' ♪

♪ With that g*n in your hand? ♪

[MUSIC PLAYING ON TABLET]

- Well, look at you.
- Promised her pancakes.

Oh. None for me, hon.

I have the new models coming in.

Want to be at the showroom to greet 'em.

- Oh.
- Scotty, the dad bus is leaving.

Oh, I can take her.

You know, I was thinking maybe

stay away from school for a few days.

- But...
- Just... just let things cool down, huh?

Come on, kid.

- [SNAPS FINGERS]
- Grab your gear.

- She hasn't had her Bisquick yet.
- Oh.

Stop for doughnuts
on the way, how about?

- Doughnuts?
- Doughn... [LAUGHS] See?

[LAUGHS]

I'll be home late.

- Okay.
- All right.

- Here.
- All right. Oh, thanks.

I'll keep your plate
in the warmer for you.

- All right.
- Bye, squirt.

Bye.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[MAN ON TV] Come on, have a seat.

- Let's get started.
- [CHEERING]

Thank you. Wow.

A Tuesday crowd that
sounds like a Friday crowd.

- I love it, yeah.
- [CHEERING]

Hmm.

Ladies and gentlemen, please say hello

to my good friend. It's
Shea Wells over there.

- Hello, Shea.
- Hey.

[MAN] Kendall is off,
uh, she's continuing

- to recuperate
- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

from her knee surgery, uh, so, yeah.

She's, like, best dog mom in the world.

I was telling her, like,
"Your dogs are gonna be so sad

- when you go back to work."
- [MAN] Oh, so sad.

- [SHEA] They're spoiled right now.
- They're gonna be

used to her being home and
taking care of 'em, and, yeah.

Dexter likes it. You
know, when they say,

uh, dogs start look like their owners

after a little while?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[SHEA] Well, speaking of dogs,

today, in studio, we are very lucky

to have highly-regarded
animal psychologist...

- ♪
♪
- [TV CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

♪ ♪

[CHATTER CONTINUING ON TV]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[PANTING]

I'm sweating in this thing.

[FLOORBOARDS CREAKING]

♪ ♪

[DOOR CREAKS]

[SIGHS]

Enough of this f*cking thing.

Where is this bitch?

[WHISTLES]

[SCREAMING]

[GRUNTS]

[GASPS]

[GROANS]

[MAN WHIMPERING IN DISTANCE]

[TV CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

Ooh. [PANTING]

Is she dead?

- [GRUNTS]
- [GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

- [DOT] Oh.
- Oh.

Oh.

[PANTING]

[GASPS] Oh.

Lady...

he said alive.

But he didn't say nothing about

"with all her teeth."

You feel me?

[GRUNTS]

I'm sure she just lost
track of time, slugger.

Hey, pal, can you see if I
left my briefcase in the car?

[CHILDREN SHOUTING IN DISTANCE]

- [SCOTTY] You want it?
- No! I... I...

You just-just stay there, okay?

[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]

Hon?

Oh, geez.

Mr. Lyon?

I threw up in the downstairs commode.

I'm saying that so
when-when you see that there,

that's-that's me.

Your message said you came
home and the front door was...

Was wide open, yeah,
and there's... blood.

I mean, you'll see, and...

And no Dot. She...
You-you think she's o...

- Gonna need you to stay out here, Mr. Lyon.
- Okay.

- Forensic truck should be pulling in shortly.
- Yeah.

- Tell 'em I'm having a look around the place
- Oh.

- and to come on in.
- I... Yeah,

I-I sent Scotty to the neighbor's, so...

That was good thinking.

- Did you try your wife's cell?
- Yeah, first thing.

It's on the kitchen counter, so...

I just... If anything
happened to her, I...

Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

I'm gonna check the premises now.

[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]

Oh! There's some kind of a burnt hat,

maybe, upstairs.

♪ ♪

What the heck?

[DANISH] Well, I think we have
to assume this is a kidnapping.

- So she's alive?
- [LORRAINE] For now.

[WHIMPERS]

Are you crying?

- No.
- Well, I'd expect a ransom demand

somewhere in the next ,

- probably for some real cheese.
- Oh.

You know, with-with Scotty's
school and the new fleet,

I-I don't really have that money.

Wayne. I'm the deep pockets here.

Though why they think I'd break the bank

for some low-rent skirt
my son knocked up...

[WAYNE] Hey, that...

Mom, that's-that's my
wife you're talking about.

Don't be a baby. You're
at the grownup table.

How much could we pull
together, cash, if we had to?

Well, money's not the problem.

The company's cash-rich right now,

what with the market volatility.

And heck, you got kidnap insurance.

- Oh.
- Uh, doesn't she?

Foreign and domestic.

We're, uh, checking
to make sure it applies

to the daughter-in-law.

No, the real issue now is process.

Do we bring the FBI in

or a private hostage negotiation team?

[LORRAINE] I want to
keep this thing quiet.

We already got enough worthless
public servants running around

thinking they own the place.

♪ ♪

[LOUD CLACK]

[CLACK]

[KEYS JINGLE]

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- [KEYS CLATTER]

- I'm home.
- [CLACK]

♪ ♪

[CLACK]

[CLACK]

[CLACK]

Well, hon, turning in.

Got to get up early on
account I'm working a big case.

Kidnapping, we think.

Forensics came back two
different blood types,

not the victim.

- Huh.
- Yeah.

Slicing right again.

I think I'm dropping my shoulder.

Did you put in for the regional?

Twenty-five hundred bucks.

No kidding.

I know.

Well, hon, I don't got to tell you...

- I know.
- Sears sent a final notice,

and the mortgage...

I said I know.

Please don't get defensive.

Just got out of our skis is all,

- what with the simulator.
- I told you,

I need it for the winter months.

Of course.

I'm not saying it's superfluous.

Just... maybe think about
making up a few shifts

- at the Red Apple again.
- [CLICKS TONGUE]

Or we talked about,

maybe you go back to radiology school,

you know, as a backup.

I don't need a backup.

You got your dream job,

and I'm... I'm so close.

You know, I came in
second at Hilton Head.

Well, like I said, got to get up early.

Proud of you.

Thanks. You coming?

In a minute. Just a few more drives.

[CLACK]

[MAN MOANS]

[MOANS, SHUDDERS]

Shh. Shut the f*ck up already.

My face. Oh...

It's still there. Stop whining.

Is it cloudy in here?

My eye.

[CHUCKLES] I'm afraid to look.

Got two eyes.

Could you take me to a veterinarian?

What?

You know, like in the movies.

'Cause they're also a
doctor, just for animals.

[DOT] You need to go the hospital.

Burns like that,

you're gonna get infected.

Maybe even go to the brain.

- Shut up.
- I need my brain.

Not from where the driver sits.

♪ ♪

What's going on?

Where did you get the truck?

Stole it, like you
said, over in St. Cloud.

Stole from who?

You got me. Some guy's driveway.

[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

- Christ.
- What do we do?

- Shut up.
- What do we do?

Shut up.

[SIREN CHIRPS]

[SIREN CHIRPS]

[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

There's a . in the glove box.

And you... don't get any funny...

Geez.

- Hey...
- Oh, my God.

Are you okay, ma'am?

[DOT PANTING]

sh*t! Oh...

[GRUNTS]

Officer down! I repeat, officer down!

[DISPATCHER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Christ on a stick.

[GRUNTING SOFTLY]

Come on.

[WITT ON RADIO] This is

Deputy Witt Farr. I'm on the lam,

evading pursuit.

Two sh**t in a, uh,

a dark-green F .

[DISPATCHER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[WITT PANTING]

Hey. Hey, hey. Hey. Wait, wait, wait,

- no.
- [ENTRY BELL DINGS]

Oh...

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[GRUNTING]

[g*nshots CONTINUING IN DISTANCE]

[WITT GROANING]

[ENTRY BELL DINGS]

Son, get down before you lose your head.

[PANTING]

- You got a back door?
- No.

Oh.

What about, uh, a first aid kit?

Oh...

[DOT GRUNTS]

- Come on!
- [WITT] I got you.

- [EXCLAIMS]
- It's okay, it's okay.

It's okay.

Let me help.

[GROANS]

Just stay calm. Backup'll be here soon.

Fix your leg. I'll check the doors.

Clerk said no back door.

There's a bathroom back there.

It'll have a window.

Right, yeah. Yeah, good thinking.

[DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE]

[GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

Mm...

You gonna make it?

Yeah, I'll get us there.

I'll get us there. Oh.

Oh.

[GRUNTS]

[GLASS SHATTERS IN DISTANCE]

[GLASS TINKLING IN DISTANCE]

[QUIETLY PANTING]

[MAN WHIMPERING]

[GROANS]

Oh, God.

[PANTING]

Oh...

[MAN GROANING, GRUNTING]

[GROANS] Hey. Hey,

you got any weaponry back there?

Uh, shotgun? Lead pipe?

Got a air horn.

- A what?
- An air horn? It's, like,

air in a can, and you push the button

- and you...
- [CLATTERING, BOTTLE CLINKS]

[MAN PANTING SOFTLY]

[MAN WHIMPERING]

[g*nshots]

[GRUNTS]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[SHELLS CLINKING IN DISTANCE]

[AIR HORN BLARES]

[g*n CLICKS EMPTY]

[PANTING]

[GRUNTS]

Oh!

sh**t.

[WITT] Losing a lot of blood here.

Must have hit an artery.

[GRUNTS]

I'm guessing there was
a perp in the commode?

Put this in here. Yeah? Okay?

[GROANS]

Okay.

Now I'm gonna twist it.

- Yeah?
- [MOANING]

Okay. [GRUNTS] It's okay. Come on.

- Can you hold it? Yeah.
- Yeah.

Where'd you learn to do all this?

It's not my first getaway.

[GROANS]

Oh, sorry.

Can you at least tell me your name?

Okay. You're gonna be okay.

Where's the second fella?

By the front door.

Breathing?

♪ ♪

[SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE]

The cavalry's here.

Come by me so they don't, uh...

[GROANS]

[GRUNTING] Ooh.

Gonna put you in for a
medal when this is over.

Oh.

Some kind of commendation, you know?

Uh...

civilian bravery or
some such. [CHUCKLES]

[SHARP INHALE, PANTING]

♪ ♪

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[CRICKETS CONTINUE CHIRPING OUTSIDE]

We're gonna get her back.

♪ ♪

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SOFT CLATTERING]

[SOFT CLATTERING CONTINUES]

Oh. Hiya, hon.

Just making sure Scotty...

Well, she didn't get
her Bisquick yesterday.

Oh, hon.

Oh, geez, you're bleeding.

I am?

Oh, would you look at that.

Well, I just feel like the silliest.

We-Well, what the heck happened?

Some kind of break-in?

The-the... the blood and, like,

the hair?

Oh, hon, are... are you okay?

Stop being so ridiculous.

I just must have

cut myself is all, earlier.

And, well,

you know, yesterday was
a tough pill to swallow,

so I thought I could go somewhere,

clear my head.

But, uh, I'm... Wh-Wh...

Two types of blood they found.

- Yep.
- Ya, O-O-negative and, um...

Well, I forgot the
other one, but not yours.

A-And the deal with the,
uh, the... the ski mask

- all scorched and stuff?
- Ya.

Uh, I had some of the winter things out,

prepping for the seasonal changeover.

- Ya?
- And I guess I must have put 'em

too close to the curlers, and it, uh...

Oh...

You must think I'm some kind of fool.

Oh, no. No, of course...

of course not, I just...

Uh... Wh-Wh...

What-what are you saying?
'Cause the cops were here.

Uh, that-that Indian
lady, and she said, uh...

"abducted by force" is
what she... And-and then

I'm at my mom's figuring
out a ransom strategy...

You told your mom?

Yeah, hon, there was...

You were abducted.

Stop saying that.

I had a bad day.

I needed some time to clear my head.

Did I leave the house a mess?

Well, sh**t. [SHORT CHUCKLE]

I know you think I'm this
kinda perfect woman...

wife, mother...

but you know, even I
got a breaking point.

[SNIFFLES]

Now, you want to set
the table for breakfast?

Got to make sure Scotty gets
her vitamins and minerals

for school. Most
important meal of the day.

[SOFT CHUCKLE]

♪ ♪

[MAN] Now I get it.

[ROOSTER CROWS]

[ROARS]