05x02 - Trials and Tribulations

[bunniefuu]

[HOOFBEATS APPROACHING]

ROY: I was sheriff of
this county when I was .

Hard to believe.

Grandfather was a sheriff. Father, too.

Ranchers all.

Working the land through
times flush and fallow.

There's a natural order to things.

We know it in our bones.

Jesus was a man, not some bearded lady.

And just as water flows downhill,

a husband is head of his household.

Under him, the woman abides.

She holds her virtue close

until that matrimonial
threshold is crossed,

and then she opens to him,

as the flower opens to the sun.

And in exchange,

the man shelters and
protects his female,

as the sword has its sheath.

Okay, but what I'm saying is, you...

[GRUNTS]

No. He only raises his hand to her

when she forgets her
place and acts the man.

And-and then only for instruction,

never taking any pleasure or
satisfaction from the task.

Whereas you, son,

seem to have played
a Tommy Lee drum solo

all over your missus's facade.

- This... I fell is all.
- Hey, quiet now.

Sheriff's talking.

Come here. Take comfort, dear.

Daughter, these hard times are over.

All right?

I'll see to your husband's
instruction myself.

What 'struction?

[GRUNTING]

[CHOKING]

Now, be honest.

Do you ever question
your man's supremacy

when he speaks?

Just when he drinks or
with the crank, you know?

I try to stay out of the way, but...

[CHOKING]

Don't hurt him.

- We got three boys who need a daddy.
- Okay.

Okay. Okay.

[GASPING]

[COUGHING]

Yeah.

Thank you. You got any
of that huckleberry pie?

- WAITRESS: Sure.
- That's great.

Lookit, d*ck cheese, I
know you... [SCREAMING]

Quiet.

[STOPS SCREAMING]

Go home. Fix a meal.

Pray on it before you
take the first bite.

Forgiveness. Tend to his burns.

Try to be deferential.

Cater to his needs as
a man with your mouth

in order to sow harmony.

I'll come by in the morning,
see if the lesson stuck.

Go on.

Go.

[JOSH GRUNTS]

[PANTING]

They missed her.

[HORSE NEIGHS]

- [RANCHER CLICKS TONGUE]
- ROY: What happened?

MUNCH: You send a man to do a
job without all the information,

how can the job be done?

GATOR: Yeah, what are you?

The Riddler?

You say the woman is a woman, a...

How do you... ?

Housewife.

Never do you mention she
is, for real, a tiger.

GATOR: You're saying you
couldn't handle some girl?

pounds soaking wet?

Huh?

It was on the wire this morning.

This half-wit sh*t up a
filling station outside Beulah.

m*rder*d the clerk.

k*lled a state trooper.

Put a hole in the leg of another.

[CHUCKLES]

And this ret*rd's partner
with a cracked skull

and his face half
b*rned off in the morgue.

You say housewife, so I bring one guy.

You say tiger...

that's a different guy.

Cost you three times.

Did they take her? The police?

Fled on foot.

Possibly home.

Possibly to the wind.

- [LAUGHING]
- Could you find her?

She could be found.

Where people go, the thoughts they have,

these are known to me.

Instincts.

Who flees, who fights.

It's a question of price.

The job it was, not the job you said.

Pain and suffering.

A man, missing an appendage,

self-sewing his own skin.

Scarred for life, he's told.

And then this new ask.

Hunting a tiger.

And it forces the man to ask:

why you want the tiger?

She's my wife.

Don't tell him sh*t.

I already said I can handle this.

We know where she lives now. Her alias.

She made vows to me.

A pledge.

In sickness and in health.

Consider it a debt unpaid,
leaving me in limbo.

Husband yes or husband no.

See, she hid from me nine, ten years.

Interest accrued.

Until the debt could no
longer be paid with money.

Then, one day, there she is,
fingerprints in the system.

Now the limbo can end,

the debt can be collected.

Tell me something, friend.

If a man is pure,

his actions are only ever good.

You believe that?

I'm a nihilist.

What the f*ck does that mean?

I believe in nothing.

You believe in money.

Yeah?

Well, thanks for your help.

Go on with Gator. He'll get you paid.

Dad.

Original plus pain and suffering.

Yeah, of course.

Take it out of the rainy day fund.

Fixing place.

Fixing place. Right.

Come on, numbnuts.

A man is grateful.

I'm not saying sorry,
but you understand.

I had to rough you up
a little back there.

You coming up snake eyes and all.

With her being such
a tiny bird, which...

[SNICKERS]

You know...

they used to be dinosaurs.

Hundreds okay?

Surprise, shitbird.

[g*nsh*t]

- [SCREAMS]
- [GRUNTS]

- [CRUNCH]
- [SCREAMING]

[HIGH-PITCHED RINGING]

[g*nsh*t]

- What's going on, Roy?
- Go on, get back to the house now.

[COUGHING]

DOT: Like we said, this is
all just a misunderstanding.

Had a bad day is all.

A bad day?

DOT: Yeah.

Left the house a mess.

Last I checked, weren't a crime.

No, ma'am.

I'm a recidivist on that count myself.

Laundry especially.

Oh, laundry. [CHUCKLES]

But what I'm concerned
about is the blood.

Told you, I cut my
feet up on some glass.

You did.

And I see the wounds.

But what I'm dealing with is the fact

that the blood on your entry floor

is different than the blood
type we have on record for you.

Records?

Those...

You know, I heard a man went
into the hospital in St. Paul

fer a kidney transplant,

he ended up with someone else's brain.

- No way.
- Yeah.

INDIRA: Well, I'm not sure...

That don't sound accurate.

What I'm saying is,
hospitals make mistakes.

Then there's the hair DNA from
the balaclava in your boudoir.

Told you, I bought that secondhand.

You know, it's my fault. [CHUCKLES]

You know, I came home,
front door was wide open, uh,

all the... blood.

Uh, I-I'm not ashamed to say I panicked.

But, you know, Dot's home,

and, uh, that's all that matters.

So, uh, whatever the...

You know, she's my
wife. And I believe her.

So, if there's a form or
something I can sign to...

you know, drop the charges...

That's not how this works.

- I got to...
- Hmm?

It's almost time for pickup.

I told Scotty we could go
to DQ after school, so...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well, okay, then.

Thanks for your time.

Mm-hmm.

We're reviewing traffic
cameras in the neighborhood,

so if I have any more questions...

No.

She's...

Wayne, she's not listening to me.

Uh, Danish Graves is our attorney,

so if you need to contact us again,

which you shouldn't, uh...

Okay, then.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

DANISH: So, it's a puzzler.

Spoke to Wayne.

Dot's back.

She's what now?

Yeah, came home on her own.

A little bruised.

Bloody feet.

She escaped?

Well, that's the conundrum.

Says she wasn't taken.

Says it was just a driving
around type scenario.

Getting her head straight.

Bullshit.

You saw the police report.

Something's fishy here.

Agreed.

I smell a rat.

You think...

Well, what do you think?

A play, maybe.

Extortion, but she got cold feet.

Kidnapped herself, you're thinking?

I mean, what do we know
about this girl, really?

Well, I did the background
check when they got engaged.

Well, you said yourself, not much there.

Pretty thin, for sure.

Just the birth certificate,

a few school records,
previous addresses.

Well, it's too good to
be true, now I'm thinking.

So, what do we... ?

Tell you what we don't want...
police digging their noses

into other people's business.

Asking questions that can't be answered.

Then what?

[SIGHS]

Possibly this thing goes federal.

You know, wrong person
makes a phone call.

You don't think Wayne's...

Who knows what to think?

He's got the dealership,

a decent roof over their head,

but maybe she's pushing him for more.

Putting ideas in his head.

Eh... I don't know.

So we separate 'em, like the cops.

You brace him. I go at her.

Get to the bottom of things.

If this deal's for real

and they got a notion
to take what's mine,

we need to nip it in the bud.

Keep things in-house.

Ah, geez.

Everything was going
along just fine, too.

And now, what do you...

This... enemy within situation.

She made promises. To me.

My son.

To have and to hold.

For richer and poorer.

And that's a debt we're gonna collect.

["WORKING MAN" BY RUSH PLAYING]

♪ Well, I get up at seven, yeah ♪

♪ And I go to work at nine ♪

♪ I got no time for livin' ♪

♪ Yes, I'm working all the time ♪

♪ It seems to me ♪

♪ I could live my life ♪

♪ A lot better than I think I am ♪

♪ I guess that's why they call me ♪

♪ They call me the workin' man ♪

♪ They call me the workin' man ♪

♪ I guess that's what I am ♪

♪ They call me the workin' man ♪

♪ I guess that's what I am. ♪

[GROANING]

You gonna make it there, sunshine?

[SIGHS] Fucker got the drop on me.

Tell me her name again?

Uh, goes by Dorothy Lyon now.

Lives in a suburb
outside the Twin Cities.

Married, you said?

Going on ten years.

Husband owns a car
dealership, some kind of...

uh, Korean model.

Koreans make cars?

I guess.

- [SPITS]
- Anyway, she's got a daughter

named Scotty. She's about nine.

GUARD [ON RADIO]: Roy, we got FBI here.

Let's send 'em up.

What do you want me to... ?

Ah, don't worry about it.

Hard day at the office.

Like the sign says, he's
a hard man for hard times.

And by "he" I mean me.

Agent "Ja-Queen."

It's Joaquin.

This is Agent Meyer.

We're new in the Fargo office.

We thought we'd come by,

see why you aren't
enforcing any of our laws.

What laws?

JOAQUIN: Oh, you know,
g*n laws, drug laws.

Any of the half-dozen
other American laws

passed and ratified by the
United States government

that you don't seem to recognize.

Well, Agent Ja-Queen,
I think you'll find

that there is no one
on God's green earth

who is a greater enforcer
of the laws of this land

than Roy Tillman.

Why do I feel like there's a "but" here?

But...

... what you need to know is
that I amthe law of the land.

Elected by the residents of this county

to interpret and
enforce the Constitution

given unto us by Almighty God.

JOAQUIN: Mm-hmm.

Freedom.

Amen.

You know, I hear that
word a lot out here.

I'm curious...

what you think it means.

Agent, if you don't
know what freedom is,

I don't think me saying
the words out loud

is gonna teach you.

Why don't you go and do your chores?

Seriously?

Do you want a towel, or... ?

Does my discussing matters of state

in moist repose bother you?

[SIGHS]

Jesus.

Now, what is it you wanted to discuss?

JOAQUIN: Well, like I
said, we're new in town.

We thought we'd come
open a collegial dialogue.

Maybe let you know we're
looking into the practices

- of your office.
- Very unorthodox practices.

Possibly illegal.

Illegal according to who?

Maybe you weren't paying attention,

but I am the law around here.

MEYER: So you said.

Removable only by the
governor or my constituents,

who love me, by the way,

because I say what I
want and I do as I please.

And I know the difference
between right and wrong.

Don't you mean legal and illegal?

[CHUCKLES]

Well...

did you know that in
North Dakota it is illegal

for a charitable group to hold

more than two poker games a year?

And similarly, it is illegal

to keep an elk in a sandbox
in your own backyard.

I sh*t you not.

Now, if you were to own a tavern

and serve beer and
pretzels at the same time,

I could arrest you.

And in Waverly...

the law forbids horses
from sleeping in bathtubs.

You beginning to get the drift here?

I'm a sheriff of the
American Constitution.

Bound by duty, blood, and tradition

to enforce what is right and
to prosecute what is wrong.

And the law, my friends...

... has very little to do with it.

So, Ja-Queen, Mrs. Ja-Queen,

if you'll excuse me,

I have some justice to administer.

You can see yourself out.

[MEYER CLEARS THROAT]

What do you say next time
we get an extra Blizzard

and hold it upside down
to see how long it takes

for the stuffing to come out, huh?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Your tea selection is atrocious.

How did you get in here?

Hey, Nana.

Are you wearing lipstick?

That's ketchup. We had curly fries.

[LORRAINE CHUCKLES]

Like I said, how come you're in my home?

Of course I have a key.

It's my son's house.

Still, sorry if-if we startled you.

Imagine intruders
breaking into your house

twice in one week.

Oh, wait.

That didn't happen.

What do you want?

Jerome, could you see my
granddaughter to her room?

Maybe she wants to show you her dolls.

I don't have dolls, Nana. I like ninjas.

Is that some kind of cat?

You're silly.

Come on, young Skywalker.

I'll show you how a
true samurai fights, hmm?

Whoa. [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

Well, I guess with you
when it rains it pours.

That...

[CHUCKLES]

I mean, this is all just
a bunch of silliness.

Honestly, I'm embarrassed
by all the fuss.

Signs of a break-in, I'm told.

Evidence you fought
back, which good for you.

I'd have skinned 'em where they stood.

Please.

More like Mama had a tantrum

and it all got blowed out of proportion.

Honestly, like a
snowball rolling downhill.

Well, either you got a screw loose,

or somebody came for
you and you got away...

and now you're lying about it.

Mom.

No.

I'm not your mom.

You're married to my son,
mother to my granddaughter.

I wanted a girl with papers,

but my Wayne always liked a sassy thing

with a tight caboose, so here you are.

Haven't you ever had one of those days?

So what if I do got a screw loose?

Stress and the like.

I'm holding up my end of the deal.

We're man and wife,

him and me,

and he loves me.

There are ways we could change that.

The holy bond.

Revocation of the trust.

And cut you both out of the will,

see if that moves the marker.

What are you saying?

I'm saying I don't trust you.

You're up to something.

And I won't have you
dragging my son down.

So...

best you make excuses,

you go back to wherever it
is you were before you met.

If you go easy, I could
even see my way to...

staking you for the first... two years.

[QUIETLY]: Listen, bitch.

I've climbed through six kinds
of hell to get where I am.

And no Ivy League royal
wannabe is gonna run me off

just because she doesn't
like the way I smell.

If you want to tussle with me...

... you better sleep with both eyes open.

Because nobody takes
what's mine and lives.

Anyhoo...

thanks for stopping by.

Dinner Sunday?

I'll bring my blue salad.

Jerome.

We're leaving.

Always nice to see you, dear.

Maybe think about getting
some iron into your diet.

You look like a corpse.

♪ ♪

SCOTTY: Mom?

Ooh.

I'm hungry.

What?

You just had DQ.

It didn't take.

Oh. What's going on down there?

A wedgie.

[LAUGHS]

Tell you what.

How about we make a vegetable medley

with carrot sticks and
the bell peppers you like?

And then you can help Mom do
some kind of craft project.

What kind of craft project?

You're gonna have to go
downstairs to find out.

Come on.

["PARANOID" BY GRAND
FUNK RAILROAD PLAYING]

Ah! Bye-bye.

Nice done.

[WHOOSHING]

Awesome.

- Ooh.
- ♪ Did you ever have ♪

♪ That feeling in your life ♪

♪ That someone was watching you? ♪

♪ He don't have no
reason, that's right ♪

♪ But still he's there watching you ♪

♪ Someone is waiting
just outside the door ♪

♪ To take you away ♪

♪ Everybody knows just
what he's there for ♪

♪ To take you away ♪

- You ready?
- SCOTTY: Yeah.

♪ But who wasn't there ♪

- [GASPS]
- ♪ That you should look out for? ♪

- Whoa.
- ♪ Who wasn't there that you should look out for? ♪

♪ Get back inside your
wall and shut the door ♪

♪ Get back inside your
wall and shut the ♪

♪ Door... ♪

Keep your hands off the ball chain, huh?

Mama doesn't want you
getting smooshed like a bug.

Can we do my room next?

Oh, yeah.

Let's go.

Race you.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

WOMAN [OVER P.A.]: Don't forget our
special % off winter deal on...

Great deal, heck of a deal.

Oh, sure, yeah, I got those
VIN numbers right here.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Actually, Phil, I'll
have to call you back.

All right.

Finally saw the light
on that Porsche, did you?

- What are you, uh... ?
- [LINE RINGING]

- What are you... ?
- I got some business to discuss, Wayne.

Ah.

LORRAINE: Is he on?

Mom?

Got a problem here, kid.
Need your help with it.

Of course, yeah.

Is it that landscaper again?

No, it's not the landscaper, moron.

It's your wife.

Now hold on. [CHUCKLES] That's, uh...

This whole kidnapping that
ain't a kidnapping thing,

well, there's something
fishy about that.

Full low tide, if you ask me.

Like the dog's breath.

Now, we talked about this, uh...

She had a bad day.

Son.

I talked to the police.

They got hard evidence
your wife was abducted.

Not to mention,

I just learned they think
they got one of the guys

on a slab over in North Dakota.

Broke his skull in the
commode of a filling station.

- G... geez.
- Yeah, officer on the scene said

there was a female
present who matches Dot.

Get your head out of your ass, kid.

She's making a play here, your missus.

In cahoots with the kidnappers maybe,

or maybe just seizing the opportunity.

I'm not sure what or why.

But any way you tell the story,

it ends with me writing a check.

Oh, come on now, Ma, n-not
everything's about money.

Slap him.

I'm... sorry?

You heard me.

My son needs a slap

and I'm not there to give it to him.

So, as my attorney, I authorize you

to knock his f*cking block off.

[CHUCKLES]

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Wait a minute... Aah!

Ow.

Listen to me, boy.

You're back at the
kiddie table on this one.

- That's official.
- [WHIMPERS]

Now shut your hole
and listen to me talk.

Trooper?

Saved.

From what?

Concord grape, I think.

Hmm.

[GROANING]: How... may I help you?

Sure, well, I'm, uh, Deputy Olmstead,

Scandia Police Department
over in Minnesota.

I wanted to ask you some questions

about events that transpired last night.

You and everybody else.

Well, sir, I think I might
have a piece of your puzzle.

To wit, the identity of the
missing female you assisted.

If I'm right, which I think I am.

Color me intrigued.

Taken from her home yesterday
afternoon by two men, we think.

We found blood from one.

Looks like she b*rned the
other fella's face pretty bad.

Sounds like my girl. [CHUCKLES]

Rambo, basically.

Or, uh, the other
fella from the TV, uh...

- MacGyver.
- Well, I got a picture.

Mm.

[KNOCKING]

What do you know?

It's a party.

INDIRA: Indira Olmstead,
Scandia Police Department.

Ah. City girl.

Well, we prefer "women" these days.

But the rest is accurate.

How can we help you, stranger?

Sheriff's Deputy, Stark County.

Sounds like you had a mix-up in
my neck of the woods last night,

which we run a pretty tight ship, so...

I take it personal when bad men appear.

This job will grind you down,
you take it too personal.

What can I say? I like being
on the right side of a gunfight.

Heard you say you had
a picture of the perps?

- Uh, victim. Female.
- GATOR: Right.

Saw something about,
uh, a woman got taken.

Or escaped or something?

We think these fellas
grabbed her up in Minnesota.

Taking her to points west when
the trooper pulled them over.

She k*lled one, the
recidivist Donald Ireland,

I think they said.
The other one got away.

Sounds like a real Comanche,
this female you're hunting.

Like I said, I got a photo. Excuse me.

GATOR: So, what, she some
kind of criminal, also?

INDIRA: Not exactly.

Had a mix-up at her
daughter's school this week.

Tased an officer by accident.

How's that happen?

Heat of the moment, I'm guessing.

Used to be a saying:

"Minnesota nice." But I was there.

Nothing nice about Minnesota that day.

Oops. What'd I do?

- What did you... ?
- I must've, I don't know, I pressed something.

Darn it, you deleted
the victim, her photo.

Yeah, me and technology
don't see eye to eye.

Especially now.

This wrist-breaker... ah.

INDIRA: No, it-it's my fault.

I'm not sure what I was
thinking just bringing the one.

Well, I sure hope you find her.

If it was her, saved my life, I think.

Oh, no, she's home. A
little worse for wear

but intact.

Strangest thing, though.

Despite all evidence,

she's claiming it never happened.

Never... what now?

Says nobody broke in.

Says she wasn't taken.

Just went for a wander for ten hours

and then came home and cooked breakfast.

GATOR: Cry for attention, sounds like.

Drama queen trying to
make her husband sick.

Who said she has a husband?

GATOR: No, I mean, I'm assuming.

Description said s in
the police report, so...

Well, all I know is, the
woman I met broke loose

like somebody who knows
how small the cage can get.

Wish you had that picture.

Like to meet that
woman again, thank her.

For what? Far as I can tell,

she's the one got you
sh*t in the first place.

Oh, the job got me sh*t.

She was just...

trying to get free.

But you know what they say.

Protect and serve.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, I'm down with "protect," but...

I ain't in the service industry.

I'm in the kicking ass
and taking names business.

You two have a nice day.

[BLOWS NOSE]

[ENGINE STARTS]

Consider that bitch flummoxed.

[HAMMERING]

- [HAMMERING CONTINUES]
- [WATER RUNNING]

[WATER SHUTS OFF]

What the heck?

DOT: Hiya, hon.

What the heck?

Made some shepherd's pie.

WAYNE: Scotty.

What you doing there?

For security. Mom said.

- Yeah.
- WAYNE: Oh.

Hon...

Yeah?

Why is there a sledgehammer
over the front door?

Well, we talked about an alarm system,

but you said we couldn't
afford a good one, so we...

Well, what the heck is... ?

Oh, no, hon, I wouldn't
touch that. It's electrified.

It's what?

It's plugged into the wall.

Anyone tries to bust in,

well, they'll get a righteous shock.

Hon, c-can we talk? I...

Wait, how, I'm just gonna...

How about you go upstairs and, uh,

watch some cartoons on your Samsung?

- [DOT CHUCKLES]
- Yeah? [CHUCKLES]

- Yeah.
- Let me get my apron off at least.

Uh, Mom came by the lot today.

Er, well, her man did.

Uh, she called in.

Yeah, she...

I saw her, too.

But don't worry.

I think we came to an understanding.

She said that, or... ?

- No.
- Oh.

But women understand each other.

Well, hon, I don't think you do...

u-understand each other.

She... She's litigating
against you, see.

She, uh...

Well, she thinks you
made this whole thing up.

I... I mean, the whole
thing sounds... loony.

But she-she thinks you're
some kind of con woman.

Uh, playing us for our money.

Uh, in league with the kidnappers.

I just...

Told you, there were
no kidnappers, just...

Drove around to-to clear your head.

But-but, hon, the-the...

The-the car was here the whole time.

Walking, I said, or I-I...

Listen, I believe you.

I'm not the one you got to... I just...

And she said she can get
the cops out of the equation.

You know, her friend the
attorney general, but, hon...

You know, from-from where she's
sitting the-the whole thing

don't make a lot of sense.

But it makes sense to us.

That's what matters, right?

Yeah, maybe.

But, hon... wh-why-why is
there a, a-a sledgehammer

in the vestibule?

A-And how come Scotty's
making a zombie k*ller?

Well, like she said. Security.

From what?

Hon...

No, I-I'm just trying to, you know...

No. You can't. You-you weren't there.

At the school board.

Neighbor against neighbor.

Society's breaking down here.

The social structure.

What side you're on, whether
you're for or against,

I-I'm just saying... [SIGHS]

We need to wake up here.

Protect ourselves, in case...

In case what?

In case...

ruffians at the door.

Or Mr. Abernathy
decides he wants revenge.

Or a thousand other maybes.

Uh, who?

Scotty's math teacher.

The fella I tased before the cop.

Y-You tased the math teacher?

Well...

I got a bad feeling, hon.

- Yeah.
- People do.

It's not just me.

And I'm, I-I'm not saying
that we should build a bunker.

Or stockpile long g*ns.

A few common sense...

Hon, y-y-y-you got electric
wire on the windows.

A few practical solutions.

Unless you're ready to step up

and go state of the art, really
sink some capital into it.

I-I... Should we, I don't know,
sh-sh-sh-should we get a g*n?

See? Oh. Now you're thinking.

A g*n is a great idea.
We should get a shotgun.

- Oh.
- And maybe a p*stol for the bedroom.

- Ah.
- And maybe we could replace my Taser, too.

And, I don't know,
maybe some kind of net.

- Just in case they, uh...
- A net?

- Huh?
- Huh?

All I'm saying is-is,

now we're speaking the same language.

Oh, you're such a gentle guy.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I know how hard this is.

I-I just want to play floor hockey

in my socks with Scotty again
and watch Real Housewives.

I know.

And we can and we will.

Hey. We just got to take
care of a few things first.

[WAYNE SIGHS]

All I ever wanted was...

Y-You're my dream come true.

And you're mine.

Come on, mister.

Before your daughter's
brain turns to sludge.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

Hey, Scotty.

["THIS IS HALLOWEEN"
BY DANNY ELFMAN PLAYING]

Let's eat!

♪ Boys and girls of every age ♪

♪ Wouldn't you like to
see something strange? ♪

♪ Come with us and you will see ♪

♪ This, our town of Halloween ♪

♪ This is Halloween, this is Halloween ♪

♪ Pumpkins scream in the dead of night ♪

Pull in here. I got to take a piss.

♪ This is Halloween,
everybody make a scene ♪

♪ Trick or treat till the
neighbors gonna die of fright ♪

♪ It's our town, everybody scream ♪

♪ In this town of Halloween ♪

♪ I am the one hiding under your bed ♪

♪ Teeth ground sharp
and eyes glowing red ♪

♪ I am the one hiding
under your stairs ♪

♪ Fingers like snakes
and spiders in my hair ♪

♪ This is Halloween, this is Halloween ♪

♪ Halloween, Halloween
Halloween, Halloween. ♪

- Want a pop?
- No, I'm fine.

- [GROANS]
- Whoa.

[SCOFFS]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[CLICKS]

[GRUNTS]

[GURGLES]

I got us some jerky.

Spicy kind.

You better keep those windows down.

f*ck, that's hot.

[GROANS] Where is this guy?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

[GATOR PANTING]

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

MAN: Now I get it.

[ROOSTER CROWS]

[ROARS]