01x02 - A League of Their Own

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic music playing]

[high-pitched ring]

[Matthew distorted] I won?

I won!

Huh? [grunts]

What are you doing? I won.

That means you and I
are free to get back together.

Right?

Those are the rules of the league!

[people whispering]

- Hey! Where are you going?
- [whirring]

[woman giggles]

- [groans]
- [sad chime]

Guys, did anyone get that fight on video?

You guys leaving? Is there an after-party?

What's going on?

- [Knives moans]
- [chimes]

[moans] Huh?

Where did everybody go?

[pants] Is the show over?

There was no show.
The bass player was punched to death.

Did you say "punched to death"?

As in to... to... death? [gasps]

[man] Yes, those are the words I said.

- No!
- [dramatic music plays, fades]

["Bloom" by Necry Talkie playing]

[song ends]

[squelches]

[sloshing]

[glove snaps]

[slathering]

[knob squeaks]

[squelching]

[slathering]

- [meows]
- [squelching]

- [water splashing]
- [drain gurgling]

[mirror squeaks]

[grunts, exhales]

[church organ music playing]

Hmm. Ramona Flowers.
The girl of, or from, Scott's dreams.

Wallace. How are you?

Well, I always liked wearing black.

This is as good an excuse as any.

Love the new hair.

[Ramona sighs]

I can't believe he's gone.

It's not a surprise, really.

He was always
taking on high-level enemies.

Yeah, but he always won.

Nobody wins forever.

The house does.

Hmm?

Like casinos.

I'm gonna sit next to someone else.

[gasps] Hey, you're the girl
that got Scott k*lled, right?

It's good to meet you.

- Uh, Ramona.
- Young Neil.

[sighs]

I guess now I'll never know if we sucked.

Which is kind of nice.

I just wish it were
under different circumstances.

I miss you, pal.

[organ music continues]

[Knives sobbing]

- [continues sobbing]
- [door closes]

[Knives gasps]

You!

Hmm?

Uh...

What are you doing here?
You k*lled Scott Pilgrim!

Did she say k*lled?

This is juicy.

I don't know if that's fair.

Fair? You're responsible.
You're the one to blame.

It's your fault!

This has got to be the most
dramatic funeral I've ever been to.

It doesn't get more dramatic.

- [boing]
- [narrator] Or does it?

[boing]

[upbeat music playing faintly]

[whooshing]

- [upbeat music amplifies]
- [grunting]

- [camera shutters clicking rapidly]
- [woman sighs]

- [enchanted sparkle]
- [camera shutters continue]

[sighs]

[ethereal music playing]

- [music halts abruptly]
- Showtime!

Envy Adams!

[dramatic sting]

No way! It's the real deal!

- [dramatic music playing]
- [sighs]

- Woo! Envy!
- [all cheering]

Icon! Queen! Mommy!

[dramatic music continues]

[whooshing]

[camera shutters clicking rapidly]

- [music fades]
- [dramatic sting]

Envy Adams is amazing!

She's the lead singer
of my favorite band of all time!

Whoo!

[gasps] The Clash at Demonhead?
I thought we were your favorite band.

Oh... [chuckles awkwardly]

Well, they're my favorite real band.

Sex Bob-omb is my favorite band
that isn't real.

[Stephen sighs]

I'd like to thank you all
for coming out to see me.

- [cheering]
- We love you, Envy! [laughs]

As you all know, I briefly dated
Scott Pilgrim in my pre-celebrity life.

We didn't all know!

And even though he was the least important
chapter of the book of my life,

and even though I don't remember much
about our relationship at all,

I thought I'd sing a song in his memory.

- [tender music playing]
- ♪ I will remember you ♪

- ♪ Will you remember me? ♪
- [crying]

Scott dated her?

Crazy, right?

Can you imagine having an ex who became
a huge celebrity after you broke up?

[Ramona groans]

- ♪ Weep not for the memories ♪
- [crying]

[crowd cheering]

[upbeat music playing]

♪ I'm so tired, but I can't sleep ♪

♪ I'm standing on the edge ♪

- ♪ Of something much too deep ♪
- [screaming]

♪ It's funny how we feel so much
But we can't say a word ♪

♪ We are screaming inside
But we can't be heard ♪

♪ I will remember you ♪

♪ Will you remember me? ♪

♪ Don't let your life pass you by ♪

♪ Weep not for the memory ♪

Huh?

"Dear Evil Ex."

"All seven of you are cordially invited
to a very special evening."

[muttering]

What?

Did I just get invited to my own lair?

♪ Weep not for the memory ♪

[people cheering]

[fan 1] Envy, I love you!

- [fan 2] Envy! Sign my neck!
- [fan 3] Step on my corpse!

[sighs]

[footsteps echoing]

[gentle music playing]

I'm sorry, Scott.

[sighs]

[narrator] New York City, America.

[horns honk]

[skateboard rattling]

Mr. Lee, I'm a... I'm a huge fan.

[Mr. Lee] Tell me something I don't know.

[elevator dings]

[uneasy music playing]

[elevator dings]

[uneasy music continues]

- Todd.
- Lucas.

Heard you started dipping your toes
in the waters of the acting game.

I've had a few auditions.

Maybe you should stick to the rivers
and the lakes that you're used to.

Let the pros do the pro things.

Vegans have perfect photographic memories.
I could memorize an entire script...

- [snaps]
- ...just like that.

I don't even read the scripts anymore.

I just say the first thing
that pops into my head.

It's called "being in the moment."

[Roxie] Is that why half your lines
in your last movie were "Let's party!"

Don't know. Didn't watch it.

Drink, sir?

Let's party.

[uneasy music continues]

Sick lair, bro.

Why'd you bring us here, Gideon?

[whoosh]

I didn't. The person behind this event
remains a mystery.

[suspenseful sting]

[Roxie] Who invited the robot?

[whoosh]

[Matthew] No one did.

[footsteps echoing]

For it is I who did the inviting.
Matthew Patel!

The robot's with us.

The first one we ever built.
We call him Robot-01.

We gendered him, too. Male.

He's our special little guy.

This party was curated.

[grunts]

- No plus ones!
- [electric crackling]

- [gasps]
- [robot clanks]

- [both grunt]
- [growls]

I see none of you took my request
for cocktail attire seriously. [groans]

I don't even know what that is.

I thought it meant there'd be drinks.

I was right.

No matter.

I brought you all here

because I've realized
there's a fatal flaw in our league.

A failure of leadership.

Are you questioning my methods?

I'm not questioning them.
I'm answering them.

Uh...

I, Matthew Patel, defeated Ramona's
new boyfriend and got nothing for it!

Ramona has a new boyfriend?

Sounds like she had a new boyfriend.

Correct.

His name was Scott Pilgrim,
and I punched him into the next life.

[Roxie] Scott Pilgrim?

The random Canadian guy whose funeral
was inexplicably attended by Envy Adams?

She performed a song.
It was all over the news.

That's right. My girlfriend, Envy Adams.

[Roxie] Ugh!

We all know you're dating Envy Adams.
Act like you've been here before.

Listen to me, all of you.

If we win, we don't get Ramona.

I flawlessly defeated
her precious little Scott,

and she still turned me down!

- [all gasp]
- [Todd] Gasp.

Ha!

You're the lowest-ranked evil ex.

Why do you think you'd get the girl?

You were fighting him so I'd get the girl.

Wait, that's your plan?

And the rest of us get nothing?

Nothing? Sounds like a bad deal.

I think this league needs a new direction
and a new evil ex in charge.

You really think
I'd just hand the league over?

No. I think I'll fight you for it.

[thunder rumbles]

You versus me. Winner takes all.

I'm Gideon Graves.

I own two record labels, a movie studio,


You're a D-plus theater student
with delusional Broadway dreams.

This is a joke. You're not worth my time.

[Roxie] Sounds like somebody's scared.

What did you just say?

[all] She said,
"It sounds like somebody's scared."

That's what I thought she said,
but that's not me.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Nothing's ever scared me!
My nickname in school was "Fearless."

I wore "No fear" shirts every day!

Sounds to me like
those shirts were a lie, bro.

They weren't a lie!

Then it's time for G-Man
to put his fists where his mouth is.

[mechanical whirring]

[whooshing]

[dramatic music playing]

You just made
the biggest mistake of your life.

"Winner takes all"?

That's what you propose?

You think you stand a chance
against my power?

Fine. These are my terms.

If you win, you can take it all.

The league, my empire, everything.

But if you lose, which you will,
I take your life.

I accept those terms.

Then it's time for you to be reunited
with Scott Pilgrim

in hell.

[upbeat music playing]

[rattling]

[grunts]

[music turns dramatic]

[grunts]

[announcer] Gideon Graves
versus Matthew Patel.

- [tense swell]
- [Gideon chuckles]

- Fight!
- [bell rings]

- [both grunting]
- [tense music playing]

[grunting continues]

- [groans]
- [both grunting]

[Gideon groans]

[grunts, groans]

You're messing with a CEO, pal.

No, we are.

- [upbeat music playing]
- [rattling]

Come on, girls.

[ethereal swell]

- [girls] Fireball!
- [Gideon grunts]

[tense music playing]

[Gideon panting]

[grunts]

[yells]

- [grunts]
- [whistle blows]

[girls] Oh no! Lord Matthew!

[music halts]

- Huh?
- Go, go, Matthew! Go!

- [zapping]
- [announcer] Let's get in the game!

Oh, I'm just getting started.

[groans]

Fly, girls! Full-court press!

[rippling swell]

[upbeat music playing]

[whirring]

- [announcer] Look out!
- [panting]

- [announcer continues indistinctly]
- [Gideon yells]

- [announcer speaks indistinctly]
- [Matthew panting]

Slam dunk!

- [Gideon yells]
- [crackling]

[girls] He's on fire!

[laughs]

Still think I'm a loser?

- [Gideon] I do.
- [ethereal ringing]

[mechanical whir]

[panting] Time to take this fight
to the next level.

[dramatic music playing]

- [ethereal swell]
- [girls laugh]

- [Gideon grunts]
- [girls scream]

- [screams]
- [gasps]

[dramatic music continues]

[both grunting]

[Matthew yells]

[coughs, grunts] Patel!

Damn it! Matthew, come on out...

- [dramatic music playing]
- [chimes]

- [Matthew] Surprise att*ck!
- [girls] Surprise att*ck!

[Gideon grunts]

- Now, girls!
- [girls grunt]

[Gideon grunts]

[Matthew grunts]

Again!

[Gideon grunts]

[groans]

You're a D-plus fighter too!

How did he... [grunts]

[grunts]

- [dramatic music continues]
- [Matthew grunts]

[Matthew yells]

- [all grunting]
- [dogs bark]

- [group gasps]
- [girls groan]

[grunts] Damn! End of the line.

- [girls] Oh no!
- [grunts]

[dramatic music continues]

[Gideon panting, grunts]

[yells, grunts]

[all straining, grunting]

[girls scream]

- [Gideon sighs]
- [Matthew grunts]

[whooshing]

[dramatic music playing]

[both grunt]

Die! [grunts]

- [Matthew grunts]
- [Gideon gasps]

[dramatic music continues]

[growls, grunting]

[both grunting]

[Gideon yells]

- [music halts abruptly]
- [panting]

[music continues]

You're mine!

[both grunting]

[Gideon yells]

[Gideon groans]

[Gideon whimpering]

This is what we in the business call
a reversal of fortune.

It's over.

[dramatic music playing]

[straining, grunts]

What are you waiting for, Matt?
Finish him.

[Roxie yawns]

- I gotta stop eating meat.
- Hmm.

- [pensive music playing]
- Huh?

- [scoffs] Finally!
- Hmm.

[Gideon straining]

[clears throat] If I could, uh, just have
your signature right here, Mr. Graves.

What... What's this?

The result of this fight
is legally binding.

Everything of yours
now belongs to Mr. Patel.

[laughs] Hey!

My empire?

My league?

My lair?

My home?

My... My underwear?

Those were the terms.

[pensive music continues]

Fine.

Do it! Put me out of my misery!

[Matthew] No.
I want to put you into your misery.

[ethereal swell]

This is my league now.
I'm the main character.

Here's to the new boss.

"O Captain! My Captain!"

[men] Mm-hmm.

[pants] Betrayed!

By all of you!

- Lucas Lee?
- [Lucas Lee scoffs]

Todd?

Hmm.

Twin?

Other twin?

[Gideon panting]

Et tu, Roxanne?

[Roxie] Et tu? Eat me.

Wait, Roxie.
I never properly appreciated you before.

You have something the other exes don't.

And that's why you should join me.
We could be a league of two.

[Roxie] I don't need a league
to get a girl.

Have a nice life, loser.

[Gideon crying, sniffles]

- [somber music playing]
- [continues crying]

[footsteps approaching]

[Ramona sighs]

[cat meows]

[enchanted swell]

[tender music playing]

Hmm.

[timer winds]

[timer ticking]

You look like you're dying.
Let me get you a blanket.

[chuckles]

- Sparks.
- Uh-huh.

[exhales, sighs]

[tender music continues]

[music halts abruptly]

[rapid whooshing]

- [Scott echoing in the distance] Ramona.
- Huh?

[Scott] Ramona.

Scott?

[pensive music playing]

- [Ramona gasps, breathing heavily]
- [ethereal music playing]

- [music halts abruptly]
- [gasps]

He's alive!

["What's a Girl to Do"
by Cristina playing]

♪ My life is in a turmoil
My thighs are black and blue ♪

♪ My sheets are stained, so is my brain
What's a girl to do? ♪

♪ Oh, what's a girl to do? ♪

♪ I passed out with a novel
Or a needle in my hand ♪

♪ I passed out with a ragdoll
And I passed out with a man ♪

♪ I say my three Hail Marys
I barely paint my face ♪

♪ My friends decay around me
And I view them with distaste ♪

♪ My life is in a turmoil
My thighs are black and blue ♪

♪ My sheets are stained, so is my brain
What's a girl to do? ♪

♪ Oh, what's a girl to do? ♪

[song fades]