01x04 - Whatever

[bunniefuu]

- [alarm ringing]
- [Lucas Lee gasps]

[exhales]

[classical music playing]

[exhales]

[grunts]

[music continues, intensifies]

[narrator] Glendale, California.

- [music halts]
- [lights switch on]

[footsteps echoing]

Hmm.

Hmm.

Ah.

[dramatic swell]

- ♪ Whatever ♪
- [grunts]

["United States of Whatever"
by Liam Lynch playing]

♪ I went down to the beach and saw Kiki ♪

♪ She was all like, "Ehh"
And I'm like, whatever ♪

[grunts]

♪ Then this chick comes up to me
And she's all like ♪

♪ "Hey, aren't you that dude?"
And I'm like, yeah, whatever ♪

[grunts]

♪ So later, I'm at the pool hall
And this girl comes up ♪

♪ And she's all like, "Aww"
And I'm like, yeah, whatever ♪

[grunting]

[twirling]

♪ 'Cause this is my
United States of Whatever ♪

[Lucas Lee grunts]

♪ And this is my
United States of Whatever ♪

[chuckles]

♪ And this is my
United States of Whatever ♪

- Huh?
- [women] Lucas!

♪ And then it's 3 a.m.
I'm on the corner wearing my leather ♪

♪ And this dude comes up and he's like
"Hey, punk!" I'm like, yeah, whatever ♪

[cheering]

Lucas.

♪ Then I'm throwing dice in the alley
Officer Leroy comes up ♪

♪ He's like, "Hey, I thought I told you"
And I'm like, yeah, whatever ♪

[Lucas Lee] Mmm.

- One, two...
- [shrieks]

♪ Then up comes Zafo
I'm like, "Yo, Zafo. What's up?" ♪

♪ He's like, "Nothin'"
And I'm like, "That's cool" ♪

[chuckles]

♪ 'Cause this is my
United States of Whatever ♪

[grunts]

♪ And this is my
United States of Whatever ♪

- [drivers yell]
- [tires screech]

- [drivers clamoring]
- [horns honking]

[cheering, laughter]

[gulping]

- [phone ringing]
- Hmm?

[Lucas Lee] That's my agent, fellas.

So what'd I do right this time?

I've got bad news and bad news.

Let's start with the bad.

Very well.

Lucas, between your string
of box-office bombs

and reports
of your toxic skater boi behavior,

this town's on the verge of saying,
"See you later, boi."

- You are one mistake away from movie jail!
- [grunts]

Good thing I've got
a get-out-of-jail-free card...

- this smile!
- [chimes]

Ugh. You realize I can't see you, right?
We're on the phone, yeah?

Lucas, you need to get your act together.

My act is acting.

You want goody-two-shoes,
buy 'em at a shoe store.

Well, that's just the sort of thing that's
made you nigh unemployable, isn't it?

We've got one offer for a lead role.
I suggest you take it!

It's probably going to be
the last one for a while!

Your flight to Toronto
departs in four hours.

And remember, you must be professional
at every opportunity,

or the stardom you love so much
will slip through your grasp.

- [dramatic swell]
- [line ends]

[echoing] The stardom you love so much
will slip through your grasp.

The stardom you love so much
will slip through your grasp.

The stardom you love so much
will slip through your grasp.

[scoffs] Whatever.

♪ 'Cause this is my
United States of Whatever ♪

[all] Uh...

♪ And this is my
United States of Whatever ♪

[song ends]

["Bloom" by Necry Talkie playing]

[song ends]

[squelches]

[mellow music playing]

[gloves snap]

[slathering]

[knob squeaks]

[squelching]

[slathering]

- [meows]
- [squelching]

- [water splashing]
- [drain gurgles]

- [mirror squeaks]
- [music halts]

[rollerblading]

[upbeat music playing]

While we appreciate your passion,

no one visits the set of a Lucas Lee movie
without explicit permission.

Lucas Lee is here?

Of course he's here.
What do you think our job is?

Oh man!

Do you think we could have a selfie?

[upbeat music continues]

[Ramona grunts]

[music halts]

Hmm?

[Ramona] Young Neil?

Ramona! Love the new hair.

Have a seat.
They're about to roll the camera.

Not like a bowling ball.
The camera doesn't roll at all.

You learn a lot on a movie set.

Why does the set look
exactly like The Rockit?

The director thinks sets
are more authentic than locations.

They don't consult me on those decisions.
I'm just the writer.

- Of this movie?
- Uh-huh.

You wrote a movie?

Yes.

You wrote a Lucas Lee movie.

[First A.D.] Bring in first team!

- [indistinct chatter]
- [man] Let's go.

[dramatic swell]

[dramatic music building]

[grunts, exhales angrily]

[glass shatters]

[Ramona] Hey, Young Neil.

Why is Envy Adams dressed like me?

She's playing Ramona Flowers.

Uh, okay.

Young Neil, what's the title
of this movie?

- [First A.D.] Quiet on the set!
- [both] Hmm?

[slate girl] Scott Pilgrim's
Precious Little Life.

Scene 12, take 1.

- [board claps]
- [director] Action!

So are you a fan of Sex Bob-omb?

No, I'm kind of seeing
someone in the band.

That's crazy! I am, too!

So, um, I just want to make sure
I understand what's happening here.

Um, we're both dating Scott
at the same time and don't know it?

[director] Cut!
Yes, our lead character is flawed.

You wrote an entire script
about a world where Scott Pilgrim

won the fight with Matthew Patel?

Basically.

Do you know where I can find Lucas Lee?

[dramatic swell]

Wait.

Who is he playing in this?

[whoosh]

[upbeat music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

Did you know in the U.S.
these are called Mario Karts?

- That can't be true.
- [nuns giggle]

How would you know that?

- I'm from the U.S.
- [g*nshots]

Oh. Well, they're definitely
called that in Japan.

Pretty sure that's not true either.

- [bicycle bell rings]
- Hmm. Agree to disagree.

There's Lucas Lee's trailer.

Thanks for the tour.

Anytime.

I know my way around the studio.
[chuckles]

- [loud crash]
- [smoke hisses]

- I don't know where I am!
- Hmm.

[whirs]

- [woman giggles] Oh!
- [Lucas Lee chuckling]

Shh, shh, shh. Someone's outside.

[clears throat] Who is it?
I'm working on my lines.

- [woman giggles]
- It's Ramona.

Flowers.

- [glass shatters]
- [bowl clanking]

[Lucas Lee chuckles]

[seductive music plays]

Oh my god!

Ramona Flowers.

Been a while.

Freshman year, high school.

We need to talk.

- I'm not sure we do.
- [woman whispers] No.

About Scott Pilgrim.

I'm Scott Pilgrim.

- [woman giggles]
- No, the real Scott Pilgrim.

You saying I'm a fake Scott Pilgrim?

No, the Scott Pilgrim
your character is based on.

Hmm. I didn't know this was a biopic.

[Ramona] No, it's more like...

Wait, do you even know
what this movie is about?

Have you read the script?

I read the title.

Maybe you should read a little more.

Well, as not fun as it's been
to catch up, I'm needed on set.

We're about to sh**t my first scene.
Gotta give the people what they want.

Crank that Lucas Lee charm to 11.

- [woman] I think you're a 12.
- [Lucas Lee] Let's make out.

[sighs]

[straight Wallace] Damn girl!
What are you doing later? [chuckles]

- [enchanted sparkle]
- [romantic music playing]

Are you hitting on me?

Maybe I am, and maybe I am.

[enchanted sparkling]

Ugh, gross. [echoing]

[straight Wallace] Oh my Lord!

[giggles]

[indistinct chatter]

Ramona Flowers.

Didn't expect to see you here.

Seeking fame?

[Ramona] Not my style.

[Wallace] Ah.

Still on the search for my old roommate,
what's-his-name.

Any progress?

Minimal.

But hopefully that's about to change.
What brings you here?

I heard they hired
a notorious heterosexual to play me.

Needed to see this debacle up close.

[director] Action!

[gasps]

I had a dream about that girl again.

[sighs] I didn't care
the first time you told me.

I care even less now.

[sighs]

- [director] Cut! Let's go again.
- [straight Wallace sighs] Hmm.

Hey, how was that?
Uh, gay enough? Any notes?

Uh, yeah. How about you build
a time machine, go back in time,

and never audition for this part
in the first place.

Am I being heckled?

[director] Who has the nerve to share
his opinions on the set of my film?

Me. I have the nerve.

- [director] You? What's your name?
- [loud snap]

I'm Wallace Wells.

[inspiring music playing]

[director] Method, wow!
Bold, confident, impressive.

I love it!

[sharp sting]

What's happening right now?

- Ah! Have you acted before?
- [sharp sting]

I considered it.
But I was worried I'd be too good at it.

Wonderful! The part's yours.

What about the other guy?

He's already been escorted off set.

- What?
- [buzzes]

Everybody, take five

while we get our new Wallace
to hair and makeup.

[First A.D.] You heard him,
everybody! Take five, people.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, Young Neil.

How'd you know exactly what Scott and I
said in bed that morning?

The creative process is a mystery.

Congrats on skipping
all the traditional steps

to becoming a major movie star.

Hey, if Lucas Lee can do it, why not?

Speaking of which,

I hear Mr. Lee is already
balls deep in a sweaty affair

with someone on the production.

You catch any gossip
on who the lucky lady might be?

Not the mystery I'm trying to solve.
And on that note, wish me luck.

[Wallace] Hey,
you could always wish upon a star.

- The star being me.
- [chimes, sparkles]

- [seagulls squawking]
- [mellow music playing]

[knocks]

It's Ramona.

[Lucas Lee] Uh, I'm reading the script.
I'm busy. Come back later.

I'm not falling for that.
I know you have a girl in there.

Can we just get this over with?

[Lucas Lee sighs] Fine. It's open.

- [romantic music plays, distorts]
- [Ramona] Oh.

No girl.

[Lucas Lee sighs]
Did you know I'm in this?

Yeah. You're the lead.

[Lucas Lee]
No, there's a Lucas Lee character,

and Scott tricks him
into grinding to death.

I'd never fall for that.
What kind of idiot would write this?

- [engine whirring]
- [upbeat music playing]

- [tires screech]
- Ah!

[clanking]

[chimes, pops]

Who put that garbage can there?

[chiming, whirring]

Wow, that's a fast garbage can!

So this movie is what would've happened

if Scott won the fight
against Matthew Patel?

[Ramona] Yeah.

Scott defeats all your exes,

and the two of you
live happily ever after.

Young Neil may not be the brightest,
but he has a vivid imagination.

The ending is unrealistic.

The Ramona Flowers I know
would be on to the next one.

That was a long time ago.

Feels like yesterday.

Why are you here?

Scott's not dead.

Someone wants us to think he is.

Who?

Why?

[Ramona]
That's what I'm trying to find out.

Is there anyone from my past
who would do something this messed up?

You think I'd kidnap some Canadian loser
and fake his death?

You willfully chose to join
a league of evil exes.

- I need to know how evil you really are.
- Ha!

We're not really evil. It's just branding.

[Ramona] I know your reputation.

You're a quintessential Hollywood bad boy.

You can't judge me.

You're on a quest to find a guy
who was dating a high schooler.

I'd never do anything that stupid.

- If I did, my career would be over.
- [bloops]

- Um, Lucas.
- Hmm?

[harp glissando]

- [dramatic swell]
- My God!

[remote chimes]

[anchor] This just in.

The actor playing Scott Pilgrim is dating
an actress playing a high schooler.

[laughs] That's actually hilarious!

You're dating a 17-year-old?

[Lucas Lee] She's 31 in real life!

- [rumbling]
- [camera shutters clicking]

An earthquake in Toronto?

[Lucas Lee] No, something worse.

- [paparazzi grunts]
- [camera shutter clicks]

Paparazzi!

[Lucas Lee grunts]

- [paparazzi grunting]
- [camera shutter clicking]

[Ramona groans]

[tense music playing]

- [paparazzi grunts]
- [Lucas Lee grunts]

- [loud rumble]
- [Lucas Lee grunts]

[paparazzi yell]

- [whirs, chimes]
- [Lucas Lee groans]

[Lucas Lee] Leave her alone!

Go! I'll cover you.

Lucas! [grunts]

[whirs]

[grunts]

[paparazzi grunts]

- [Lucas Lee groans]
- [camera shutter clicks, chimes]

[whooshing]

We have you surrounded, actor scum!
Show yourself!

[rumbling, crackling]

- [loud expl*si*n]
- [paparazzi grunt, cough]

[dramatic sting]

[dramatic music building]

- Whatever.
- [tense swell]

[announcer] Lucas Lee
versus the paparazzi.

- [bell dings]
- Fight!

- ["Police Truck" by Dead Kennedys playing]
- [Lucas Lee grunts]

[grunts]

[paparazzi grunting]

[grunts]

♪ Tonight's the night
That we got the truck ♪

♪ We're going downtown
Gonna b*at up drunks ♪

[paparazzi grunting]

- [Lucas Lee grunting]
- [chiming]

[grunts]

[grunts, groans]

[paparazzi grunting, yelling]

[Lucas Lee panting]

- [shrieks]
- [yelling]

[Lucas Lee grunts]

[bones rattling]

[grunts]

- [whooshes]
- [paparazzi grunts]

[grunting]

[laughs]

- Huh?
- [paparazzi shriek]

[paparazzi grunting]

- [Lucas Lee grunts]
- [twirling]

[sharp swell]

[crunches, whooshes]

[Lucas Lee grunts]

[whooshing]

[grunts]

[whooshes]

- [sharp swell]
- [grunts]

[grunting]

[whooshing]

[grunts]

- [grunts]
- [dramatic swell]

- [paparazzi yells]
- [twirling]

- [paparazzi grunt]
- [chimes]

[coins jingling]

[paparazzi roaring]

- [Lucas Lee grunts]
- [twirling]

[whooshing]

[whizzing]

- [paparazzi] Huh?
- [camera shutters clicking]

[paparazzi yelling]

[chiming]

[coins jingle]

Huh?

[paparazzi grunt]

[clanks]

[whooshing]

- [thuds]
- [whooshing]

[grunts]

["Police Truck" continues playing]

[all yelling]

[loud expl*si*n]

- [board cracks]
- [grunts]

- [gasps]
- [whooshing]

[grunts]

[loud rumble]

[coins jingle]

[chiming]

[ethereal music playing]

[grunts]

- [grunts]
- [dings]

[chimes, rings]

[dreamy music playing]

[agent] The stardom you love so much
will slip through your grasp.

[Lucas Lee gasps]

[echoing] The stardom you love so much
will slip through your grasp.

The stardom you love so much
will slip through your grasp.

Need an assist?

Why would you help me?

What do you mean? I always helped you.

[tender music playing]

[Lucas Lee] Yeah.

Until you left me
with nothing but a broken heart.

And a broken board.

That was the day I decided
who I was gonna be.

The best skater,
the highest paid actor, the biggest star.

That day made me who I am.

So I guess, in a way,
I have to thank you, Ramona.

[Ramona] That's really nice and all,
but we're out of time.

- Hmm.
- Are you gonna let me help you or not?

[paparazzi] Lucas Lee,
we know you're in there!

[paparazzi groan]

[indistinct chatter, grumbles]

[all] Huh?

[all gasp]

[upbeat music plays]

[music fades]

[bag jingles]

All clear.

[Lucas Lee] I just got off the phone
with my agent.

I'm off the movie.
And she's dumping me as a client.

Oof.

[Lucas Lee] Well, there goes my career.

It's like I'm a show
that's no longer on the air.

- I'm a, uh...
- Hmm?

Damn. I wish there was a word for it.

Maybe this will all blow over.

Nah, they're already testing
new actors to play Scott.

By tomorrow morning,

someone else will be cast in the role
of the guy you like more than me.

And I'll be back to being nobody.

That was your cue to say something, like,
"You were never nobody, Lucas."

Well, you were definitely nobody,
but I still made out with you.

[Lucas Lee] Hey, I'll take it.

- [whooshes, whirs]
- [grunts, exhales]

Still think I kidnapped
the real Scott Pilgrim?

No.

I don't see you as a kidnapping guy.

Or a portal guy.

Good. Because I didn't.

That was the night
of the Teen Sorcerer 4 premiere in L.A.

I got blitzed
and puked on Winifred Hailey.

You can find the photos online.

Guess someone else
took your stupid boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend.

Whoever did this kept that train
from leaving the station.

Take care of yourself, Lucas.

[laughs] Whatever.

[pensive music playing]

- [kid yells]
- [twirling]

[Lucas Lee laughs]

[bag rustles]

- [mysterious music plays]
- Hmm?

[whirring, whooshing]

[swells, pops]

[munching, growling]

Vegan powers.

Vegan portals?

[pensive music playing]

Yes, hello.

I'm Todd Ingram.

I'm vegan, and I'm here to audition
for the part of Scott Pilgrim.

Scott Pilgrim?

You mean the lead role in this picture?

Well, good luck.

Watch out, guys. Vegan coming through.

[dramatic music playing]

[music builds, halts]

["Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash playing]

♪ Love is a burning thing ♪

♪ And it makes a fiery ring ♪

♪ Bound by wild desire ♪

♪ I fell into a ring of fire ♪

♪ I fell into a burning ring of fire ♪

♪ I went down, down, down
And the flames went higher ♪

♪ And it burns, burns, burns ♪

♪ The ring of fire, the ring of fire ♪

♪ I fell into a burning ring of fire ♪

♪ I went down, down, down
And the flames went higher ♪

♪ And it burns, burns, burns ♪

♪ The ring of fire, the ring of fire ♪

♪ The taste of love is sweet... ♪

[song fades]