02x03 - Bling My Barn/Udderado

[bunniefuu]

I'm just heading to the fields, duke.

I'll be back.

[Engine rumbling]

Clear!

[Rocking square dance music]

All right!

♪

Ratabunga.

♪ From the haystacks

♪ Up to the hilltops

♪ We're going dancing...

Whoo-hoo!

Ow. Ow.

Okay. Ow. Ow!

♪ Do-si-do your partner now

♪ There's a party till the morning light ♪

♪ Do-si-do

♪ And don't you know

♪ It's just the way we animals roll ♪

[Motorcycle revving]

Ha-ha!

Well, I said, "I don't think so,"

And she said, "I do think so,"

And I said, "no," and she said, "yes,"

And I said, "fo shizzle," and she said--

Guys, guys, after three to five business days,

My new blinking wheelie sneakers have arrived.

Ooh. Wow.

You're a cow, dummy. What do you need sneakers for?

Ah, perhaps you weren't listening.

They blink!

Behold!

Ah, that don't look like sneakers.

Nuclear atom smasher. What's that?

Yeah, who's professor otis van fistlegruber?

Dieses ist nicht atom smasher.

Dieses ist leuchtensneaker.

Oh.

I'll bet pressing these buttons will solve the mystery.

Please don't. Bad idea.

Guys, I appreciate your concern,

But the button is big and shiny and looks like candy, so--

[Together] no!

Wants to press it...

Whoops. That's a big pile of not good.

[expl*si*n]

Ha-ha.

Atom smasher go boom.

Good one, sir isaac moron.

You blew up the barn.

[Upset mutterings]

Look, we can blame someone other than me later.

Right now we have to fix the barn.

Dude, we better hurry.

The farmer's coming back in two days

From stand-up comedy camp.

Women be shopping, right?

You fellows know what I'm talking about.

Remember, grab anything that can help us rebuild a barn.

I found paste.

I found some tape.

[Screams in pain]

And I found a stapler.

Hi.

Would you keep it down?

I'm trying to watch my show.

Ah, bessy, I think we have

More important things to do than watch this stupid--

Are you a lovable barn-dwelling family

Whose barn was horribly destroyed

But you can't pay for repairs?

Yes!

Just submit a tape of your family to bling my barn,

And you might win a complete barn makeover.

Wow! Awesome!

Guys, this is perfect. You know what we got to do?

Press all the buttons on an atom smasher?

No, that show's giving a free barn makeover

To some deserving family.

We'll disguise ourselves as a human family,

Make an audition tape, and win that makeover.

That could work. Now we're talking.

I'll be the stern but adoring non-cow father.

And I'll be the daring female aviator

Who circumnavigates the globe.

No, you're the mom.

Right. The mom.

Freddy, peck, pip, you can be our . Adorable children.

[Together] I call daughter.

No, me. No, me.

No, me. No, me.

No, me! Can I have my own bedroom?

Well, good luck. Let me know how it works out.

And pig will be the baby.

[Together] aww!

Forget it.

I'm not wearing some humiliating disguise

For one of your crazy schemes.

Pip, slideshow.

Pig as snotty boy. Pig as rich guy.

Pig as lovable british nanny.

Again. I won't do it again.

All right, fine, piggy pooper.

We'll do it without you.

Guys, it's time to family up.

[Stapler clicks]

[Moans]

Sis, I stapled myself again.

Great barrier reef,

This barn's been completely snocker-doodled.

Well, how-do?

I didn't hear you pull up. Come on in.

Bob notacow's the name.

My hands are black and weird.

Terrance hammertoe from bling my barn.

We got your tape, but I'm here to see

If your family deserves that blinging.

You bet we deserve that blinging.

But why listen to my words when you can see for yourself?

Honey, kids, company!

Hi, I'm trish notacow.

I'm a mother and a homemaker,

And my zesty lemon squares are the best on the block.

They sure are, and I've got the gut to prove it.

Ah! Those are extra guts.

Kids!

My name's skip. I like little league.

My name's sally. I'm at that awkward age.

I'm bobby joe. I'm waiting for my growth spurt.

Aren't they the bestest?

[Together] no, you're the best, dad.

That's enough talking.

As you can see, we're an extremely charming family.

Crikey, you got that right.

You could charm the toenails off a pollywoggle.

Great, then let's get blinging.

I was thinking we would take--

Unfortunately, you're also the ugliest family

I've ever seen.

That's not good. Cover your ears, kids.

He is right.

Now, if you had an adorable chubby baby,

I might be able to give you a pass, but you don't.

G'day, mates.

Wait! Don't leave.

You haven't met everyone in the family yet.

I'll be right back.

Pig, we need a baby. Fast!

No, no, no, otis.

I told you. I won't go "baby."

But, pig, you're already pink, chubby,

And like wallowing in your own filth.

You barely have to do anything.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm. My mind's made up. Sorry.

Is it so made up that you wouldn't do it

If I promised to take you to the unicorn aquarium?

Where unicorns frolic in a magical marine setting?

Get me my diapey.

[Moans in pain]

Look who I found taking a nap.

Goo goo. Ga ga ga.

[Coughs]

Sweet shrimp on the barbie!

That's the pinkest baby I've ever seen.

Look at the cheeks on that one.

He'll bring in a gobbledy flack of ratings.

Congratulations, notacows.

You're our flippity family!

We did it! Whoo-hoo!

Salem, jimbo, summon the crew.

We've got a barn to bling.

Terrance, you sure you don't want to go

With this other family instead?

They're really flappity great.

Do they have a floppity pink baby?

Ah, no.

Then cork your gobbledy flip-flap,

And get to nobbley work!

Other family? Let's see who we b*at out.

[Weeps] I got to tell otis.

I told you my lemon squares were good.

I made 'em with my friend bessy's milk.

Ha ha!

Always with the jokes, this one.

She's got the old notacow sense of humor, that's for sure.

Dad, sissy's eating skip again.

Bobby joe, no one likes a tattletale.

Sissy, disgorge your brother right now.

What brother?

Don't make me go in there.

Oh, okay.

When's supper?

Ha ha ha. Kids.

They're % water.

Anyway, I was thinking we could put

The bowling alley there and--

Goo-goo, goo-goo, goo-goo, da-da.

Not now, nameless baby.

Daddy's busy.

Mama. [Wails]

Baby, please.

Okay, folks. We're ready to start.

Everybody take your places!

I want a camera on that baby at all times.

Hold on a tigger. Where's the baby?

Baby?

Uh, he's crawling around here someplace.

Where's the baby?

He was here a second ago.

I bet sissy ate him.

Did not. Did to.

Did not. Did to.

I want to go to boarding school.

Well, we're not starting without him.

He's the floppity star!

[Chuckles] you know babies,

Always wandering off.

Listen, yank.

No wallaby, no chum buggery loo.

You got two ticks of the dillywanger,

Or you're up the ticklewick!

You are extremely australian.

You got minutes to find that baby!

And, baby, find him I will.

Come on, notacows.

Baby, daddy's getting impatient.

Uh, occupied.

Baby. Where are you?

Come out, come out.

I have a colorful scrunchie for you.

Yoo-hoo.

Otis. There he is.

Try and catch me!

After him!

[Playful saxophone music]

♪

Row!

Whoa-oh-oh!

Wait!

[All scream]

[All scream]

[Traps clanging]

Got you!

Pig, what's the big idea running out like that?

Yeah, don't you know we have a house to bling?

You got some 'splaining to do.

I'm sorry, guys, but I need to show you something,

And you wouldn't listen.

Look.

Who the cud are they?

That is the family we b*at out for the barn blinging.

Your wing's fine now, noble endangered creature.

Now fly. Fly!

Honey, good news.

I just cured four more diseases.

Yay, mom! Way to go, mom!

Bobby, you want to go

Donate our tonsils to the needy with me?

Can't, sis.

I'm helping the dalai lama with his math homework.

Oh.

I love you all so much.

Who needs walls and a ceiling when you have love?

Group hug.

Oh, scoot in, kids.

It's like a love sandwich.

Always room for one more.

Wow, they are clearly % more deserving than we are.

They deserve a new barn more than we do.

+ Golly, pig.

Sorry we didn't listen. Yeah, sorry.

Our bad. Sorry.

I guess it took the simple wisdom of a pig

Creepily disguised as a baby

To show us the error of our ways.

Come on, guys.

Let's go do the right thing.

Right. Let's go.

Let's do it.

[Grunts]

When the didgeridoo are those crickety gollywaggers

Bobbing up with the wicky weegle?

Crikey, even I don't know what I'm saying.

We're back.

There's my little ratings magnet.

Now, let's get a sh*t of-- wait!

Sorry, hammertoe, but we're dropping out of the contest.

Dropping out?

There's no backflapping

Once the dingo's out of the jackabarra.

No floppity way! Oh, really?

What if I do this?

[Squeals]

Agh!

It's a disgusting pig baby.

Let's boozle it over to the other family

Quick as fizzlickers.

Crikey! Let's get out of here!

Ah, otis, I'm glad the other family's

Going to get a barn and everything,

But what are we going to do?

There. Good as new.

Where'd you get all the building material?

Oh, I just borrowed some spare parts

From the farmer's house.

He'll never even notice they're missing.

Farmer's back from comedy camp.

[Humming, whistling]

Good thing I learned how to laugh about life

At comedy camp.

[Laughs]

Oh, it's not working.

[Indistinct mutterings]

All right, people.

That's enough premeeting muttering.

This emergency barnyard meeting is now in session.

Honk! Honk!

Jerk.

Strike that from the record.

Allow me.

Otis, what is this all about?

Nothing. Everything's fine.

Except the farmer was arrested

And hauled off the jail this morning.

What? Are you kidding me?

It's a long, complicated story.

Maybe next time you'll think twice

Before you moon a cop while wearing a viking helmet.

But I don't even own a viking helmet.

Yeah, yeah. Tell it to the judge.

[Siren rings]

Otis, what do we do?

We can't let the farmer rot in jail.

He's not going to rot in jail.

We just have to raise $, to bail him out.

What? Ten grand!

, U.s. Dollars?

Guys, guys. I have an idea.

Does it involve magic elves or fairy unicorns?

Maybe. Forget it, then.

Yeah! Waste of my time.

Wait, wait, wait. Hear me out.

They just opened a new fairy unicorn theme park

Up the road.

They're raking in the bucks.

Guys, guys. I think pig's onto something.

To the road!

"Fairy unicorn land:

The happiest place in the vicinity."

Look at all the cars. The must be making a fortune.

If we turn the barnyard into a theme park,

We could raise the farmer's bail money in no time.

Yes. I want to be a unicorn wrangler!

Pig, there already is a unicorn theme park.

Hey, how about viking world?

Otis, you have that viking helmet.

You could--

♪ I can't hear you.

Hey, I know.

How about we do a wild west show?

Hey, that's not bad.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

To the barn again!

[Horn honks]

Wow, this is so cool.

Wow, I hope we see a real cowboy.

Man, this is exciting.

Welcome to sheriff otis' wild west world.

That'll be $.

The name's sheriff otis. That'll be $.

Here, kid. Have a tumbleweed.

Only $.

Yippee ki-yay!

Stay in school, kids.

Oh, advice. $.

There's gold in them there hills.

Hills, nothing.

There's gold in these here pants.

Get along, little doggies.

We're not doggies.

We're purebred longhorned raising steer.

Whatever.

I'll whatever you.

Duke's even more annoying in this century.

Behold. I am the unicorn wizard.

Pig, no.

We're supposed to be a wild west show.

Be gone, swamp elf.

Isn't this wonderful?

It's like a magical window into our nation's past.

Couldn't have put it better myself.

That'll be $.

Wow, otis. This is going pretty good.

I know.

We'll have the farmer's bail money in no time.

Oh, hey, did you hire someone to play the bad guy?

Every wild west show needs a bad guy.

Already done.

I found a snake who's big in local theater.

Great. Now help me count this money.

Well, looky here.

A wild west theme park just a-swimming in moola.

And I aims me to plunder it too.

Or my name ain't whipcrack mcgee!

Jerk.

[Saloon piano music]

♪

I want to tell everyone.

Whoo-hoo.

All right. All right. Settle down.

We've got some great entertainment for you tonight

Here at the okay saloon.

For an additional $ cover charge per person.

Please have your money ready.

Thank you. Thank you. You could do better.

Okay. Thank you now. All right. Thank you.

And you, sir, thank you.

And now, the moment you've been waiting for.

Just back from her triumphant tour

Entertaining the crowned heads of europe,

The one, the only, lilly von duke!

[Cheers and applause]

[Together] yuck!

Maestro.

♪ They call me the rose of paris ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm dainty and eat lots of brie ♪

♪ All the men want to date me

♪ The women, they hate me

♪ I just belt them and say, "c'est la vie"♪

Graceful dance break.

[Audience booing]

Hey, otis. How am I doing?

It's going very badly.

Second verse.

♪ There once was a dog from nantucket ♪

Hey! I'm singing up here.

A little respect for the artist, please.

Freddy, peck, do something.

We need a distraction.

There's gold in, um, that there light fixture.

There's gold in this here tile grout.

[Coughs]

We've seen it already.

Let's go.

I want to go to the fairy unicorn park.

[Gasps]

[Glass breaks]

Yes, this is all well and good,

But where's the authentic wild west bad guy?

Yeah, I want to see a bad guy.

I want to see bad guys.

[Chanting] bad guy! Bad guy!

Pip, where's your snake friend?

The crowd's turning ugly.

I don't know. He should be here by now.

[Whip cracks]

The villain's here. Everyone outside.

That'll be $.

[Horse whinnies, chuffs]

Reach for the sky!

One wrong move, and I'll sign my name on your hides.

[Cheers and applause]

Wow, he's good. What a great costume.

Uh, otis. That's not the--

Where's the sheriff of this here town?

I think he wants me to improv.

[Clears throat]

You best run off, varmint,

Lessen you want to tussle with sheriff otis.

Come again?

Love the voice, but sit up straight.

Your posture's terrible.

You heard me, hombre.

I'm the law in this town, so you best vamoose quick like.

Savvy?

I'm warning you.

Really? You're warning me?

I'm so frightened. You're dangerous.

Seltzer in your face!

Ow! [Sputters]

Why, you little--

Whoops. Got your nose.

I got your wild west nose right here.

Hey, give me that back!

This is an ugly nose.

Ah, wait till I get my hands--you cheat!

Oh, will you--

Ow!

I'll take this. My whip!

[Whispers] you're doing great.

I'm completely belittling you.

And tell all your friends

There's a new sheriff in town.

This ain't over.

I'll be back at high noon to have my revenge.

Or my name ain't--

Yeah, yeah. Whipstick mcwhipstick.

That's fantastic. See you in a few bells.

Happy trails.

Yah!

[Horse neighs]

[Tourists cheer]

Thank you. Thank you.

Yes, you're right. Thank you.

Otis, there's something you need to know.

Pip, your friend was awesome.

You'd never know he was a snake.

How did he have arms?

That wasn't my friend. That was a real villain.

What? Come on.

Like I'm really going to believe--

Yippee ki-yay, everyone.

What they hey?

Black bart in the house.

Y'all give me your money, or I'm going to go desperado

On all of you.

Oh, my gosh. It's dusty in here.

Ah, otis. What's going on?

I'll tell you what's going on.

Whipcrack mcgee's coming back here at high noon

To rearrange my body parts

In an amusing yet painful fashion!

This sounds like a job for the unicorn wizard!

Sim salabim tangleoo!

We got to get everybody out of here

Before someone gets hurt, and by someone, I mean me!

Well, show's over, folks. Thanks for coming.

Now lose our address and don't come back ever.

Bye-bye!

What? We're not going anywhere.

Yeah, we wouldn't miss this for the world.

[Chanting] showdown! Showdown!

Milk me. Milk me. Milk me.

Okay, is everybody clear on the plan?

When whip cr*ck gets here, abby will lasso him,

Then pip and freddy and peck will pelt him with eggs.

Then the sheep use history books to prove to him

That actual old west villains have no business existing.

That'll work, right? Right?

Otis, otis. It's cool.

We got your back, man.

[Clock chimes]

Later!

[Snoring]

Say your prayers, sheriff.

Look. Mr. Mcgee.

We obviously got off on the wrong foot.

You seem like a decent enough guy,

Despite your odor and unforgivable oral hygiene,

So why don't we just sit down like adults

And have some tea and--

Get him!

Yee-haw!

[Whip cracks]

Ow.

Fire!

Eat tractor, buddy.

Crash!

Anyone else?

No. We're good.

Carry on. Let us know what happens.

Now, then, sheriff. Where were we?

Um, making up?

[Laughs maniacally]

[Horse neighs]

Huh?

Rainbow unicorns, charge!

Drop the whip, mcgee.

[Laughing]

Go.

[Unicorns snarling]

Ow! Get 'em off!

Okay, you win! I give up!

[Horse neighs]

[Cheers and applause]

Pig, that was awesome!

How can I ever thank you?

Oh, don't thank me, otis.

Thank the horse actors from the fairy unicorn park.

I'd like you to meet rocco. Hey.

Big louie. How you doing?

Rico. Yo.

And crazy eye. What's up?

Well, I'll tell you one thing.

You fellows just earned yourselves free passes

To sheriff otis' wild west theme park!

Yeah, about that.

My friends and I don't appreciate your muscling in

On our business.

Kapeesh?

Did I say theme park?

There's no theme park. I hate theme parks.

Ha ha ha ha. Don't hurt my face.

They're unicorns.

I want to pet a fairy unicorn.

I want to ride a bare unicorn.

Hey, folks, hop on,

And we'll take you to a wondrous land

Of magic and rainbows and food.

Otis, great news.

b*ating whipcrack mcgee put us over the top

For the farmer's bail money.

Yes!

Otis, isn't it wonderful?

It sure is.

And we owe it all to that pink-snouted

Champion of justice: the lone porker!

Hi-ho, big louie!

Away!