02x11 - Free Schmoozy/Man's Best Fiend

[bunniefuu]

- I'm just heading to the fields, duke.

I'll be back.

- Clear!

[Lively hoedown music]

- All right!

♪

- Rat-a-bamba!

- ♪ From the haystacks up to the hilltops ♪

♪ We going dancing

- Whoo-hoo! - Oh, yeah!

- Ow, ow! Okay, ow.

Ow!

- ♪ Do si do your partner now ♪

♪

♪ Gonna party till the morning light ♪

♪

♪ Do si do and don't you know ♪

♪ It's just the way we animals roll ♪

[Motor roaring]

- Ha ha!

- Oh, man, I love the county fair.

It's the only place to get a decent deep-fried cheese banana.

- And I like the henna tattoo booth.

- Dude, could you have gotten more tattoos?

- I did.

- Hey, fellas, look, a real, live water show.

Can we go? Can we go?

Can we go, please, please, please?

- What? No way.

I want to ride the hurl-a-wheel.

- Oh, come on, otis.

We can see the show first.

It takes you at least two hours to digest cheese bananas.

- It's true.

- Oh, darn your bovine logic.

To the relatively boring thing abby wants to do.

Excuse us.

- So sorry. - Pardon, excuse me.

- We're not animals. - Oh.

- Is this lap taken?

- Welcome, folks, to the astonishing,

Nonrefundable experience of a lifetime.

Give it up for the star of our show,

Schmoozy!

- [Squeals]

- Ah!

Mad salmon!

- Otis, that's not a mad salmon.

That's a c*ptive sperm whale.

- c*ptive? That's just wrong.

- Behold as I put this demon of the deep through his paces.

Juggle.

Good. Have a chum ball.

[Flies buzzing]

- Otis, he makes that poor whale

Live in that tiny little t*nk.

- And even I wouldn't eat chum balls.

- You're right, guys.

This is a travesty, a disgrace,

A distravegrace!

- You know that's not a word, right?

- What are you, the word police?

- sh**t hoops.

Play jazz clarinet.

[Playing jazzy tune]

♪

[Playing out of tune]

[All gasp]

- Bad schmoozy!

I'm sorry, folks.

I got to correct him when he makes a mistake.

- That is so cruel and degrading.

- It's decruelegrading.

- Now you're getting it.

- Otis, we got to do something

To help that poor critter.

- Abby's right, guys.

We got to free schmoozy. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Hey, I take it back.

These chum balls aren't bad.

- $, $, Only $?

You sorry sack of blubber.

No dinner for you.

Next time, be more entertaining.

- Hello, my good human.

I'd like to audition for your water show.

- What in the name of refried beans are you supposed to be?

- I'm a shark with basic language skills,

And i...

♪ Got to dance

- Not bad.

I could use some new talent in--

Hey, wait a minute.

Sharks don't got no feets.

- He's onto us.

Go to plan "b."

- My dramatic monologue?

- No, bite his butt.

- Ow!

Whoo!

Hey, hey!

Ow!

- We took care of him, otis.

- And I think we nailed the audition.

- That's weird. Let's roll!

[Engine revving]

[People screaming]

Here you are, schmoozy, the deep end of lake deep lake.

Now swim!

Swim, you majestic creature and don't look back!

Splat!

Huh, thought he could've cleared that.

Well, let's push him in.

[All grunting]

[Squeaking and moaning]

- How come he doesn't speak human like us?

- He's probably not very bright.

Let freddy talk to him.

- Well, I did take beginner's whale in high school,

But I don't remember much.

[Clears throat]

[Trumpeting sounds]

[Squealing and clicking]

- Wow, freddy, what did he say to you?

- He said he wants to shampoo my tuesday.

- Fellas, I'm real proud of all of us,

For today, we have helped a fellow critter in need.

We took a bold stand and let the whole word know

That this noble whale is our bro--

- Was that supposed to happen?

- Sweet cud, that thing just swallowed abby!

- What do we do?

- Step back and try not to look delicious.

- We got to find a boat

So we can catch that whale and save abby.

Who knows what horrible stomach acids are digesting her

Even as we speak?

- Otis, help!

Where are you?

It's dark and smells horrible.

- It's despair you be smellin'.

- Yah!

Who are you?

- I'm the only friend you've got now.

Welcome to hoboken's hindquarters.

The name's captain tom.

I was swallowed back in aught-six,

And I been trapped here ever since.

- You mean, there's no way out?

- The only way out is through the blowhole.

But it's a dark and sticky road.

- Well, I don't care.

Come on, let's get out of here.

- But you just got here, and I'm so lonely.

Tell you what.

I'll show you the blowhole

If you plays me a game of pinochle first.

- Pinochle, are you crazy?

- [Cackling maniacally]

What was the question?

- Batten down the poop deck.

Swab the main sail.

Mr. Pip, how's the weather?

- Mostly sunny with a % chance of whale.

- And by neptune's knee britches,

I'll have that whale.

Mr. Pig, have you prepared the bait?

- Aye-aye, otis.

Chum ball's at the ready.

- Chumtastic.

Mr. Peck, where's mr. Freddy?

- Oh, he's studying up

On his sperm whale language tapes.

- Where is the local library?

[Squealing]

- [Trumpeting sounds]

Oh, darn it.

I'm overstressing my diphthongs.

- If you can't catch him,

Maybe freddy can reason with the big lug.

- There's no reasoning with that salt encrusted sea spawn.

He wants to put shampoo on a day of the week!

Now, let's shove off onto the briny swells.

- Come again?

- Make the boat go?

- Ah. - Boat away.

- By the way, I'm not a talking cow.

- And I'm not a whistling mudpuppy.

Renege! My deal!

[Cackling]

- Okay, pig, I'll hold her steady.

You got the chum ball?

- I got it right here.

- Good, now be careful.

That chum ball may be

Our one and only hope of saving abby.

- Oh, you should have said that part first.

- What?

Why do you eat everything?

- Don't panic.

I think I have some pretzels in my drink--

- Pig!

Curse you, schmoozy!

[Sobbing]

- First abby, now pig.

He's picking us off one by one.

- Not while I command this boat.

Tack hard to starboard. - What?

- Just turn the boat in this direction.

- This one? - Yeah, this way.

- Oh, hey, this is great. - Yeah, it's nice, huh?

- Yeah. - The rudder's titanium.

- Oh! Ow! Oh! Whoa!

- Pig!

- Abby, help me.

I was just swallowed by a whale.

- I know.

Pig, this is tom, a crazy sea captain.

He'll show us the way out if we play cards with him.

- What?

This is no time for cards.

Our lives are in horrible-- hey, is that pinochle?

Oh, ho, deal me in.

- [Cackling]

Happy to, big fella, happy to.

- Peck, we got to save our friends.

- I'll do whatever it takes, otis.

- Great, take this box of highly unstable dynamite.

When I give the word, fling it into the lake.

The blast may draw the beast to the surface.

- You got it.

Wait, what?

- Whale ho!

- Raise the mizzenmast!

Hoist the yardarm, and other boat words!

[Loud crash]

- [Screams]

Oh, man.

- Pip!

- Otis, otis!

I figured out what the whale's been saying.

He's saying, "chase me."

- "Chase me"?

He must think this is some sort of game.

How do you say, "please give our friends back" in whale?

- Oh, that's easy.

It's--

- Would you stop eating my friends?

At least your still safe, peck.

- Yeah, knock wood.

Knock! Knock!

Boom!

- Okay, that was kind of our fault,

But this general predicament

Can still be largely attributable to you!

Schmoozy!

- Pinochle, you swabbies!

Ha! Let's go again.

- What? - Oh, man.

- You want to see the blowhole or don't you?

- It can't end like this.

Do you hear me, schmoozy?

I won't let it end like this!

- [Squeaking]

- Stop playing around!

Wait a minute, playing.

Freddy, was right.

He's been playing this whole time.

Hey, big fella, want to have some fun?

Let's make funny faces.

♪ Doo doo-doo doo doo doo

- ♪ Doo doo-doo doo-doo

- Good, now do this.

Pbbth!

- Pbbth!

- Oh, for crying out loud, we've been playing for hours.

Take us to the blowhole.

- Yeah.

- Come on. - Right now.

- Yeah, about that.

I don't really know where the blowhole is.

- [Sighs] - oh.

- What? - Ah, man.

- I know. Sorry.

- Oh, okay, here's a good one.

He's doing it.

That's right, blow, you scurvy sea cow.

Blow!

- Whoa!

- What's happening?

- Whoa!

- It's a nor'easter!

- Ah!

- Whoa!

Thunk!

Pop!

- [Screams]

- I did it!

They're safe.

Whoa, hey, hey, big fella.

Down, boy. Good boy.

Nice sperm whale.

- There's otis.

- Thank goodness he's safe.

- [Grunts]

- Whoa!

Whale pain!

Oh, hey, guys.

- Wow, freddy and that whale

Have been talking for a long time.

- [Squealing]

- Really?

I know, I know, I feel the--

Oh, my, that's priceless.

- What did he say? - No idea.

- You know, captain, you're welcome to stay at the barnyard

Until you get your life together.

- No, having been on the outside here

For several seconds now,

I can see the world's changed since I was swallered.

There's only one place I belong,

If schmoozy will have me.

- Bye, crazy person. - See ya!

- You're a total nutcase.

- Take care.

I'll always remember you.

Let's email.

My screen name is--

[Gurgling]

- Well, now, that was quite an adventure.

- Sure was.

- Still, I can't help but feel

We've forgotten something.

[Peck screaming]

- What did I miss?

- Okay, show your greeting cards.

- I got a pair of get well soons and a happy secretary's day.

- Ha! Full house.

Birthday, anniversary, sympathy, friendship,

And happy bar mitzvah, step nephew.

Come to papa.

- [Barking]

- Hey, guys, check it out.

I got a new ball.

- Yeah, a ball.

- Great, it's a ball.

- Whoopy doo.

- All right, come on, who wants to play?

Who wants to play? Come on.

- Sorry. - I got to wash my hair.

- I'm late for something.

- Oh, jeez, doesn't anybody around here

Like to play ball?

- You know, ball's more of a dog game.

Why don't you ask everett?

- Good idea.

Hey, everett, think fast.

- Duke, you need a doggy friend with working bones.

- Yeah, I know, but it's not like I can just tell the farmer,

"I want a doggy buddy."

- Or can you?

[Doorbell ringing]

[Knocks on door]

- Hola, señor.

I am the pet whisperer.

- What?

- I said I'm the pet whisperer!

- Oh, you mean the man from the tv who understands dog talk?

- Exactamente.

I was on a soul-searching walkabout

When I sensed your dog was in great distress.

- Duke?

Oh, well, he's fine.

- If I may.

- Whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper.

- [Howling]

- Ah, si.

Oh, my.

So lonely.

What a gripping tale.

Okay, less dog noise.

He say he is very lonely

And wishes for a doggy friend to have the frolic

And the playing and the games and such.

- Really?

I had no idea.

I'll go to the animal shelter right now.

- Oh, oh, uh, he also say the barn animals,

They would enjoy a flat screen tv and a cable hookup.

- Oh, we don't have time for that.

My best friend needs a doggy pal.

So here I go!

- Otis, it worked.

How can I ever thank you?

- Well, you could stop sniffing my butt.

- Or can i?

- Farmer's back.

- Ooh, I wonder what kind of dog he got?

- Hey, maybe it's a labradoodle.

- Or a cockaterrier.

- Or a kanga-gator.

- Uh, those don't exist.

- Oh, don't they?

Mervis!

You're right; they don't.

- The important thing is,

Duke's gonna have a new friend.

- And it's all thanks to me.

- [Barking]

- Meet your new pal, duke.

You boys have fun.

- Hey, how you doin', fella?

I'm duke.

Come on out and say hi.

- Well, duncan, we meet again.

[Screams]

- Oh, no, guys, it's baxter.

You remember baxter.

Baxter was that awful mutt

Who switched places with duke in the vet

And then tried to steal his life here at the barnyard.

- Otis, we know.

It was just a couple weeks ago.

- Yeah, who are you, professor exposition?

- ♪ Professor exposition

♪ Explainer of things

♪ He's clarifying plot points

♪ To explain away confusion

No, I am not he.

- Then my search continues.

- What's wrong, derek?

You don't look happy to see me.

- The name's duke,

And you've got five seconds

To take a hike, baxter, before I make you take it.

- Yeah, maybe you should b*at it, life stealer.

- Yeah, you got a lot of nerve coming back here.

- Yeah. - Some nerve.

- Identity thief.

- Fellas, fellas, you got me all wrong.

Hey, the farmer picked me completely of his own free will.

True story.

Hey, guys, who wants whipped cream?

[Panting]

- Uh...

I'll take that one.

- He chose me out of thousands, dorak.

- It's duke.

- Duke, jeremy,

Names aren't important.

What matters is, I've changed.

I'm out of the identity stealing game.

- Thanks, but I'll find someone else to play ball with.

- Wait!

Did you say ball?

I love ball!

- You do?

- You kiddin' me?

I'm all about ball.

I love it more than life itself.

- Well, any dog that likes ball can't be all bad.

- Sure, it's all good.

So what do you say?

Jeeter? Skip? Alvin? Betty?

Samanthacharistem?

Can I stay?

- Uh, duke, I guess it's up to you.

- Ah, what the heck.

- All right, up top.

Don't leave me hangin'.

Whoa!

Too slow for the dog show.

Now, let's get our ball on!

Go long!

- Oh, look at them.

They're adorable together.

- Makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Though that could be the caterpillar I swallowed.

- It's been two days since the giant pink monster ate me.

Is this really happening,

Or is it all some sort of terrible nightmare?

- Whew!

I haven't played that much ball in ages.

Good times.

- Sure, we're super tight best buds now.

Hey, dirk, go long!

- No!

Oh, baxter, we never play ball in the house.

Farmer's rules.

- Oh, any rules against smashing lamps?

Crash!

[Whistling]

The farmer!

- [Gasps]

Bad duke!

Bad duke.

- Ooh, you're in trouble.

Boom!

- You're not the dog I thought you were, duke.

From now on, you stay in the barn.

- Duke, what happened?

- That little mutt baxter framed me

So he could have the house to himself.

- What?

- He did what to who for why?

- Actually, it's true.

I played you like a cheap squeak toy,

And there's nothing you can do about it.

- Nothing? Really? Oh, I don't know.

I'm sure if we put our heads together, we'd--get him!

- Yeah, get him!

- Yeah!

- Oh, yes, chase me.

I love chase almost as much as I love ball.

Oh, wait, that's right.

I hate ball.

[Barking]

- Bad animals!

Chasing a poor innocent puppy.

Shame on you.

[Chuckles]

Oh, kisses for daddy.

- I can't believe that guy.

- I know.

Those should be my kisses for daddy.

Did I just say that out loud?

- Don't worry, duke, we'll get rid of baxter somehow.

- Nah, forget it, otis.

We got to do what the farmer says.

I'll just move into the barn with you.

- Sure, it's not so bad, really.

- Yeah, you'll be among friends.

- Our home is your home. - The more, the merrier.

- And I won't be any trouble.

You'll hardly know I'm there.

[Howling]

- Duke, could you keep it down?

- Sorry, guys, howling clears my sinuses.

- Ugh.

- Ooh, someone scratch my back.

The farmer always scratches my back.

Nobody?

All right, I got it. I got it.

Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.

There it is, baby.

Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah.

Well, back to my sinuses.

[Howls]

Yeah, that's better.

[Howling]

- Is there any way to keep him quiet?

- Way ahead of you.

- Freddy.

Come on, guys, duke's just off his routine.

I'm sure in no time at all--

- Ooh, I got another itch.

Oh, yeah, there it is.

Hey, I'm fitting right in here, aren't i?

[Telephone rings]

- 'Sup?

It's for you, duke.

- Me?

This is duke. - Hi, deke.

How's the barn?

Not that I care.

- Baxter, you little-- - me?

Well, I'm having a swell time with the farmer.

Thanks for asking.

We just finished watching casablancaon tv.

- Casablanca?

That's our movie.

- And afterwards, he taught me

How to balance a dog treat on my nose.

- That's our trick.

- Oh, by the by,

I'm sleeping in his bed now.

Yeah, I guess you could say I'm his new best friend.

Oops, got to go.

Time for my tummy wub.

- I'll show that baxter.

I don't need the farmer.

I got all the friends I need right here.

So, who wants to deworm me?

- Barn meeting.

Guys, we can't let baxter get away with this.

We need to get him out of that house

And duke back in for all our sakes.

- But, otis, baxter set me up good.

The farmer will never take me back.

- Oh, I think he would

If you save him from a man-eating bear.

- Oh, I like where this is going.

- Well, I don't.

- Relax, it won't be a real bear.

It'll be me in a bear costume.

Now, the farmer takes baxter out every afternoon for his walk.

- Oh, I love that plan.

- I haven't said it yet.

- Now, I'm confused.

- Okay, baxter, you lead the way.

- [Barking]

- [Laughs]

What a cute little dickens.

- [Growls]

- A bear!

Get him, boy, get him!

Huh, what?

Don't! Stop!

What are you doing?

Bad dog! No!

- Look at otis.

What a ham.

Well, I guess it's showtime.

[Barking]

Chomp!

- Duke, you saved my life.

I never should have kicked you out, boy.

Can you forgive me?

- [Barks]

[Whimpering]

- And as for you.

Throw me to a bear.

Bad dog!

You're going back to the shelter to find a new home.

- This isn't over, derwood.

I'll be back, you'll see.

And then we'll-- yah!

- They're gone, otis.

You can get up now.

Otis?

- Rar, rar, rar!

Rar, rar!

Hey, duke, where's the farmer?

- Oh, he just took baxter back to--

Hold up.

If you're there, then who's that?

- Round two, sheep dog.

- Wait, I can explain.

You see, that other dog stole my identity in a previous episode

And recently returned to try it again.

- Who are you, professor exposition?

- ♪ Professor exposition

♪ Explainer of things

♪ He's clarifying plot points

♪ To explain away confusion

- Who?

- You okay there, duke?

Hey, my master loves me again.

I am feeling no pain.

Well, maybe a little pain.

Actually, it's quite intense.

Now, I'm blacking out.

And I'm out.

[Barking]

- Now, there's a sight that warms your heart.

- Kisses for daddy.

[Slurping sounds]

- And there's a sight that makes your heart puke.

- Yeah, shut the window.

- Can't unsee that.

- Gross. - Yuck.