14x10 - The Nightmare 2 Days Before Christmas

[bunniefuu]

[LINDA] Okay, I'm putting
in a load of laundry,

so everybody smell yourself.

Are your pajamas okay or are they funky?

- [SNIFFS] Mine are okay.
- [GENE AND LOUISE SNIFF]

Mine are better than Tina's.

Mine kind of smell
like soup, so I'm good.

Okay then, I'm gonna do
it. You know the drill.

Nothing else on but the TV, right?

- [KIDS] Yes.
- Wait. Is the tree off?

- [KIDS] Yes.
- Bob, I'm starting the washer.

No toaster, no microwave,

- Okay?
- What?

- Did he say "yup?"
- [KIDS] Uh-huh.

Lin? Linda?

Did you say you're
starting a wash? I hope not

- 'cause I'm making toast.
- I couldn't hear you.

- Are you in the kitchen?
- No. I'm in the bathroom,

- but I'm making toast.
- [LINDA] You're "making it go"?

Good for you. I'm proud of you.

- [KIDS GASPING]
- That's not good.

- Oh, crap.
- No! No!

Off TV bad!

The whole sub-panel’s fried.

This wiring is a disaster.

None of this is up to code.

You're lucky just the panel blew.

Your whole house could
have been a Christmas roast.

- Aw.
- Not in a good way.

Ah.
- Ah, well, uh, as the landlord here,

I should tell you that
this all feels very judgy.

What's "code," really?
Just a way to be judgy.

- Who did this work?
- Well, uh, this was a collaboration

over the years with...
involving many different talents.

Who can say who did what?

- Is this dried blood?
- Uh, it's ketchup.

Uh, our handyman does repairs down here

and says he works
better when he's eating.

- He doesn't.
- Hm. - Oh.

- Mm-hmm.
- I can fix it,

but you won't have power
for three or four days.

What?! But Christmas is in two days!

I know. And I'm excited to be here.

We can't have no power for Christmas!

Your landlord should
put you up somewhere.

What, me? Why is it always
the landlord's problem?

Ugh, fine.

Let's go and let him do his
precious up-to-code work.

Should the sign just
say, "electricity's out.

See you when we see you"?
That-that sounds wrong.

Well, you're in luck. I
can put you up at the lodge.

- The lodge?
- Yes. My family's old hunting lodge.

We don't use it much. It's
a bit, uh, hunty lodgey.

My father bought it when we
were kids so he'd have a place

- to do his falconry.
- Falcon crest?

- Falconry. It's a-it's a...
- Oh.

It's-it's a kind of hunting
with trained falcons.

He wasn't any good at it
and they usually flew away,

but we just kept
buying him more falcons.

It was nice, actually, because
he was hard to shop for.

Can you excuse us a sec?

Are we gonna spend Christmas
in Mr. Fischoeder's lodge?

Not be in our house? For Christmas?

It sounds sad and terrible.

I know, but power is good?

Why did Mr. Fischoeder have
to call a real electrician?

Teddy could have gotten
us through Christmas.

- Teddy did this.
- Don't blame him

just 'cause he doesn't
know what he's doing.

[GROANS] Can we bring
our Christmas stuff?

And the tree? Make it
feel more like home?

Sure. Wait. The tree? How?

We-we already decorated it.

- I need the tree, Bob.
- Uh, okay, okay.

- I need it.
- I got it.

[CLEARS THROAT] Well,
you seem very excited.

And I was thinking of
not standing here anymore.

So, can I call the caretaker

and tell him not to drive
up to the lodge tonight?

- The caretaker?
- Yes, old Mr. McCormick.

You'd be doing me a favor, really,

if you'd spend a few nights there.

I wouldn't have to pay that crank

to lick the pipes or
whatever it is he does

to keep the heat and water running.

- Lick the pipes?
- I don't know.

It's an old house, but we
pay old crotchety McCormick

to go up there, and if
you good folks go up,

you can lick the pipes and, uh,
I could save the five dollars.

Look at the tree, poor thing.

Is there any way we
can play it some music

or a podcast or something?

- I don't think so.
- Okay, never mind.

We got the cooking stuff,
we got the stockings.

Oh, I forgot the deodorant.

Eh, that's okay. Maybe,
Santa'll bring some.

- Yeah.
- Wait. Oh, crap!

How will Santa know that we're
going to a different house?

Is there paperwork we have
to fill out or something?

He knows, honey. They
track our phones, I think.

- That sounds right.
- Yeah.

Okay, uh, so do we know that for sure?

- Do we know that for sure?!
- Louise, it'll be fine.

We have to go. I want to try

and make it up the mountain before dark.

[LINDA] Okay. Everyone,
say, "bye, house."

[ALL] Bye, house.

[GASPS] Uh, you, too, restaurant! Phew.

That was close. We
almost had to go back.

[BOB] Oh, god. I'm not sure

the tires can handle this.
They're-they're pretty bald.

Look who's talking.

Yeah, aren't we supposed
to have chains or something?

Like cool chains that
connect to our wallets?

[BOB] Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god.

[LOUISE] This is like a nightmare.
-[BOB] I know.

I-I'm very scared, but I'm being brave.

- No, dad. The Santa thing.
- Oh.

I had very reasonable stuff on my list,

and I was exactly a
reasonable amount of good,

so I was expecting to
run the table this year.

I was gonna get the whole
list. The whole list!

No screaming unless we're
tumbling off the cliff, please.

Louise, honey, calm down.

We'd all rather be home
for Christmas in the place

where we've spent every Christmas

since you kids were born, but
we're not, and that's fine.

- It's fine.
- Guys, there's no way

Santa's gonna be able to find us.

Do your phones even work up here?

I'm pretty sure Santa's
got, um, sleigh-dar.

Hit him up on LinkedIn.

[BOB] Oh, I don't like that.

We gonna make it, or is this the end?

Could go either way.

Dad, you said you wanted
to get there before dark.

- Yup.
- But it's dark.

- Yup.
- So we really got to hurry.

- [BOB WHIMPERS]
- Dad's voice keeps getting higher.

Kids, no talking to your father.

Close your eyes. Try to rest.

And if we end up
upside down in a ravine,

go ahead and eat your father and me.

[GENE] I call mom's legs!

- [LOUISE] Whoa. - [GENE] Whoa.
- [TINA] Whoa.

- [BOB] Thank god we made it.
- [LINDA SIGHS]

[BOB] I did that. I did it.

[LINDA] Good driving,
Bobby. Pretty much.

All right, everyone grab
something and bring it

into Mr. Fischoeder's old, dark,
not-too-scary, mountain mansion.

It's kind of cool looking.
And... we're alive.

I'm still just so happy about that.

Once we turn on some
lights and start a fire

and bring in the decorations,
I bet it'll be really nice.

Yeah, I've had a box of ornaments

on my lap for 90 miles.

- They'd better earn their keep.
- You're right, kids.

We'll Christmas the
hell out of this place.

But, uh, let's do all the
decorating stuff tomorrow,

- right?
- Oh, yeah.

Tonight, I'm only unpacking

the Rudolph the red
wine reindeer glasses

and pouring us a glass of... Oh, my god!

- What?
- Where's the tree?!

- Oh my god.
- Where's the tree?!

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

The tree must have fallen
off on the drive up here.

Oh, I knew we should have put
the tree on my lap somehow.

Or at least that thing
where you hold onto it

with one arm out the window.

Like dad did with my old
mattress before it blew off.

We should have had a
professional come tie it on.

Like a surgeon, a-a tree
surgeon or something.

Instead of us burger people.

- We did our best.
- That doesn't sound like us.

It was the road. That
bumpy, snowy, evil road.

Uh, okay, okay. So it's... it fell off.

We'll just drive back down and get it.

- Oh, no, no. No.
- Yes, Bob. The tree!

Linda, it-it's a
miracle that we're here.

We shouldn't have driven on that road

in this car with these
tires, and it's snowing.

Every moment, the road is getting worse.

We-we can't drive back to town.

Oh! Bobby, I can't stand
thinking about our tree

outside in the cold all alone.

It's fine. That's how a
tree spends its entire life.

- Well, that's just awful.
- I know.

- Awful.
- Yup. Come on, let-let's go inside.

[WHINES]

Uh, I'll, uh, I'll put this down

and, uh, feel for a light switch.

Well, your father's gone.
He's never coming back.

I'd take out my phone if I
had one and use it as a light,

- but, you know.
- Tina not now.

- You won't let me get a phone...
- Shushies.

- Aah! - Aah!
- Bad falcon!

This is kinda nice.

Looks like they updated
the kitchen at some point.

A guy could maybe cook
a Christmas meal in here?

-[GENE] Guy Fieri?
- [LOUISE] Chimney. Okay, check.

That's one thing going
for us, Santa-wise.

And we can have all
our shareholder meetings

at this totally normal-sized table,

- so that's good.
- Um, that's terrifying.

It's, uh, very falcony.

Why is it so big?

Oh, god, I'll have to look at it

while I'm cooking, too.

Uh, I bet we'll all get used to it,

and then we won't even
notice it anymore. Maybe?

Yeah, like dad's dead tooth.

- Or his dead toenail.
- They're not dead,

they're just struggling.

Well, should we figure
out where they put the beds

in this winter wonderland?

I call the room with
the fewest dead animals.

- What the heck is that?
- There's a little plaque.

It says "indoor funicular

by the Argyle Elevator and
Mechanical Amusements Company."

I loved their first album, but then

Stevie Nicks left the band.

- Should we ride it?
- Let's see if we can

figure out how to work it. Oh.

Top or bottom.

- That's the eternal question.
- Okay.

Ready? Here-here we go.

Everyone hold on to
something so you don't

fall when it takes off.

[MACHINE HUMMING]

- Are we moving?
- No, it hasn't started yet.

Or wait. Has it?

Should we just get out
and take the stairs?

[GENE] Gross.

I call top bunk!

Oh. No one else is sleeping in here?

Hey, I'm in the Elmer Fudd suite.

FYI, I might have scary
dreams tonight. No reason.

Is everyone else's bed
the size of our kitchen?

What? No. These beds are small.

- Did you say yours is big?
- Uh, no. Good night.

[BOB] Why would anyone

put that painting in a dining room?

- It'd look ridiculous in the bathroom?
- [SIGHS]

You know what should go
right there? The tree.

It could look out the
window if it wants.

- And think about what it's done.
- God, there's weird stuff

on Mr. Fischoeder's caretaker's list.

"b*at the rugs with the drapes

"while the curtains watch,
get mail from mailbox,

"burn mail, brush teeth on bear head.

Never break eye contact." Hm.

Dad, stop talking about the list.

The only list that matters is Santa's.

Here's a thought. What if he finds you

by the smell of the cookies?

- Oh, my god, the cookies.
- Yeah, I know. I'm smart.

I forgot the flour for the cookies.

What? So no tree and no cookies?

We need to pull this together, people.

Maybe Mr. Fischoeder has flour?

I hope so, but I'm worried that

if it is there it might be very old.

Or cocaine. Also, Louise,

I-I think I can still
make cookies for Santa

- without flour.
- Do you think Santa's gluten-free, Dad?

- I...
- Do you think Santa's gluten-free, dad?!

- Uh...
- Do you?!

I think Santa's mostly gluten.

No flour, no cocaine, but how about rum?

Ugh! This is a disaster.

Look, we can at least
solve the tree problem.

We're surrounded by Christmas trees.

Let's just chop one down.

A different tree? A stranger tree?

That we just met in
the forest somewhere?

- I-I guess we could do that.
- But our tree.

That we brought home.
That knows us and loves us.

Mom, a tree in the hand is
better than one in a ditch.

Oh, my god, poor tree in
a ditch. Ugh, okay, fine.

Fine, we can go look.

Well, the good news is
that axe seems pretty heavy,

so there's no way dad has
the upper body strength

to go full Shining on us.

Yeah. Half Shining at
most. No offense, dad.

I think I could Shining
all of you if I had to.

Although I'm tired because I didn't

get enough sleep last
night on that little bed.

Oh, yeah, those beds are so tiny.

- Uh, how-how about this one?
- Eh.

- Or this one's nice.
- Meh.

- Okay. How about this guy, huh?
- Eh...

It's just, none of these trees
have what our tree has...

That effortless charm and wit.

That perfect bushiness, but
without being cocky about it.

It was a little cocky.

Okay, fine.

Do it. That one.

So, I guess I just start

chopping at the trunky part?

No technical terms. Dumb it down for us.

All right, maybe like, uh...

Wait. Do trees die
when you cut them down?

- Yeah, Tina.
- Right.

- [LOUISE] Uh...
- [TINA GROANING]

- [GENE WHIMPERING]
- [LINDA] Eh...

- Forget it, forget it.
- Yeah.

- Stop, stop, stop. - Phew.
- Oh, thank god.

Bob, I want to go down and

- look for our tree.
- [BOB GROANS]

The sun is out. The road is clear.

And we need flour.
You stay with the kids.

I'll just zip down to that little market

at the bottom of the mountain

and be back quicker
than you can lick a pipe.

Oh, right, we haven't
licked the pipes yet.

- This is a good plan.
- But, Lin,

we don't even know where it fell off.

Sure we do. Somewhere between here

and the bottom of the mountain.

She's hot on its trail.

Even if you find the tree,

how-how will you get it in the car?

I'll use my superhuman
Christmas magic mom strength.

Yeah. Or she'll just
close the door on it

and drag it alongside the car

like she does with her purse sometimes.

And her skirts.

And if that doesn't
work, I'll come get you

and we'll both do it.

I'm gonna save Christmas. Oh, wait.

I don't have my keys. Or my wallet.

And I better go inside and pee first.

Uh, let's all go in.

But maybe Mr. Axe stays outside?

Oh, yeah. Mr. Axe is
gonna go back in the shed

with his friend Mr. Machete.

And I think I saw a hand grenade,

so nobody go in there.

[LINDA] Don't worry,
tree, I'm coming for you.

Dang it, I wish I gave you a flare g*n.

Okay, I got to stay positive.

Can't give up. Christmas miracle time.

Here we go. I'm gonna find you.

Oh, crap, I'm at the
bottom of the mountain.

[ALL GRUNTING]

Louise, you don't seem that into this.

You're not aiming for my
glasses like you usually do.

Yeah, I know, sorry. It's
just, look at that big field.

I guess we're calling
anything a field these days.

You think if we spelled
something out with fire,

Santa could see it from
his satellite or whatever?

- Come on.
- Oh, yeah, that could work.

But maybe not fire,
because it's fire. Um,

- what about sticks?
- And stones?

No, wait... our bones.

At least I got the stupid flour.

Oh, tree, I give up.
I'm never gonna find you.

Oh, my god, there you are!

Our tree. It's our tree!

I never gave up on you.
Whoa. Okay, don't die.

Don't die. Don't die.

I can't wait to tell Bob I
found our tree. And he thought

I couldn't do it.

I'll only say "I told
you so," like, four times.

Maybe five. Why isn't it ringing?

Oh, no bars.

It's kind of steep,
but it's safe, right?

Safe-ish. Whoa.

Whoa! Whoa. Whoa...

Okay, okay.

Oh, boy.

Okay, here we go. Here we go.

This is better. This is better.

Oh, and butt's getting pretty wet.

Butt's getting wet. [SHOUTING]

Whoa. [SHOUTING]

[GRUNTS]

And that's how you do that.

Hey, Lin, uh, I haven't heard from you.

Uh, hope you're okay and, uh,

not, uh, running out of gas somewhere

or being torn apart by
anything in the woods.

Not-not that you would get torn apart.

You're-you're a strong
person. I definitely would.

Between the two of us, I
would be the one to get torn...

Forget it. Call me.

[LOUISE] [SIGHS] Boy,
this is taking a long time.

Do you think "BEL" kind
of gets the point across?

[GENE] As long as he doesn't
think it's Bell Biv Devoe.

- [TINA] Or Harry Belafonte.
- [GENE] Or Mr. Belvedere.

Oh, god. Okay, okay.
We got to finish it.

But we're running out of big branches.

We could use mom and
dad's clothes. Or Gene?

I am good at lying down.

[GROANING]

Aah! Whoa.

No! Oh, come on.

Why does dragging a Christmas tree

up a snowy mountain have to be so hard?

Okay, I don't love that.

Oh, sun's gone.

Ooh, that is cold. That is very cold.

Can you die of cold? No, right?

That's only in the movies.

[BOB] [GRUNTS] get up there.

Oh... [GRUNTS] Come on.

What are you doing?

Uh, I'm trying to make
it so that I don't have to

look at this painting anymore.

- [GRUNTS]
- You did it. Good job.

Thanks. I-I'm just
glad it finally w... mm.

- Oh, sorry.
- Yeah. What are you doing?

We're looking for stuff to spell out

a giant message to Santa.

You don't love the clothes
you brought with you, right?

I don't love them, but I
want to keep them inside.

Like your feelings.

Can't you just use branches

since we're in the woods?

We found some, but it's snowy,

and they're deep down,

and our tiny hands got cold.

So we're actually gonna
need this. Thank you.

- No, no, no, I need that.
- I need this.

- No.
- I need this!

- Louise.
- Fine.

[GRUNTS] Uh... uh-oh.

So you took care of that.

Uh, it turns out I'm not good at...

- No, Louise, no, no.
- What?

- No. Put it down.
- Okay...

- What about...
- Put it down.

Ugh! Do you hate presents?

Aah! I'm all right.

Ah, ha, ha, Tina! You beautiful beast.

Dad, are these allowed outside?

- Any objections?
- Mm.

Gene, come grab these spelling sticks.

If I wanted to carry skis,

I would have gone with
Ken to Breckenridge.

[PANTING] Oh, please.

Please let me make it to the car.

Oh, I can't wait to put that heater on.

I love that heater so much.

Almost there.

So tired. Body giving out.

Spirit giving out.

Bladder holding on. Mostly.

Hang on, tree.

I'm gonna put ornaments all over you.

Whoa... !

Oh! Oh, thank god.

Thank god... No! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh! [SHOUTING]

Oh!

No... !

- [BIRD SCREECHES]
- Oh, hush.

Hey, Lin, uh, me again.
Please don't be dead.

That's my one request.

Oh, and flour. But mostly don't be dead

because I don't know how
I'd go on without you.

And also, you're better at
wrapping presents than me.

- Okay, goodbye.
- Dad, go to the window.

Look out-look out the window.
Go, go, go to the window, dad.

Okay. "Belcher." Looks good.

I hope you're excited to bring all that

back in the house later.

That sounds like a
caretaker's responsibility.

So, okay, I'm gonna take a walk,

mostly to, uh, you know,
get some air, enjoy nature.

But also to see if
your mom crashed the car

and is freezing to death somewhere.

- [KIDS] Oh.
- She has been gone a while.

I just assumed she and
the tree ran off together

and she'd send for the
children once they're settled.

Honestly, guys, it's a
long sh*t Mom would be able

to find the tree. I'm sorry.

But i-I'm gonna see if I can find her.

But Mom is in a car. You are on your...

No offense... very slow legs.

Well, I-I need to do something.

Your-your mom might be stuck.

Is this partly to get
away from the painting?

No. A little. I really don't like it.

It'll be okay. I'll be back soon.

Uh, with your mom. Who's fine.

And the car. Both in one piece.

Hopefully. Totally alive. Both of them.

Uh, well, not the ca... It's fine.

[GRUNTING]

Whoa! Oh, okay.

Okay, we got a problem.

Oh! I don't know how to tell you this.

I'm not gonna be able
to bring you up, tree.

[SNIFFLES] Huh.

I could tell you that
I'm gonna go get Bob

and a rope, and we'll be back for you,

but here's the thing.

I don't think that's a good idea.

I love you, tree, but
if I come back with Bob

and we both die, the
kids'll be all alone,

and I don't think they'll
put themselves to bed

at a reasonable hour. You know?

And I'm kind of missing
Christmas Eve over here.

I know I picked you out
of all the other trees,

and you were the one, you really were.

[SNIFFLES] But I got to
leave you here, my sweet baby.

Mama's got to go.

Here.

I know you like ornaments.

Eh. Eh. [SNIFFLES]

There. [SNIFFLES]

You look beautiful. Okay.

Okay, I got to go now.

Nope, nope, you can't
come. You can't come.

I'm sorry. Sorry.

I'm sorry. Get off!

Get off! I'm sorry.

You look beautiful.

[GRUNTING]

Is that Linda?

Bob? Bob!

- Linda!
- What are you doing out here?

Uh, looking for you.

I left you a bunch of messages.

I didn't have any bars.

Were you looking for
the tree this whole time?

I found it.

- You did?
- Yeah.

We, uh, we got ourselves
into a little situation.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You have
a stick in your hair.

And snow in my pants
and in my underwear.

Everything's numb down
there. I'm not peeing, am I?

I-I don't think so. Uh,
but where-where's the tree?

Ugh. The tree didn't make it, Bob.

- Oh.
- Yep, yep.

She's gone. She's gone.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Lin.
- Yeah.

- [BOB] Did you get the flour?
- Yes, I got the flour.

Geez, have some respect
for the dead, huh?

Look who got flour.

- Mom! - Mom!
- Momala!

My Genie beanie. Aw.

My teeny Tina. And my squeezy Louisey.

- Dad's back, too.
- Good to see you, man.

I should have been here,

spending the day with my babies.

And I couldn't bring
home our Christmas tree.

- I'm really sorry.
- That's okay.

- We made one.
- [GASPS]

Oh, it's the best Christmas tree ever.

[LOUISE] Yeah, 'cause where's
Santa gonna put the presents, right?

I mean, we assumed you
were gonna get the tree,

but just in case, Tina said
we should make a backup.

What?

I love it. Mwah, mwah, mwah.

Sorry I've been such a crumb bum

about coming here. I just want to be

wherever you guys are.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah,

mwah, mwah, mwah. Christmas!

So you dug down in the snow
and found more branches?

God no. We borrowed some
from the Santa signal

and then we just filled in
with some perfectly okay things

from the house that you
said were fine to take.

-[LINDA] Oh, you used the towels.
-[TINA] All of them.

- We weren't gonna bathe, right?
- Why start now?

- [BOB] Mm.
- And we made dad something, too.

- [BOB] You covered it?
- [GENE] We used wrapping paper

and the cheap tape mom
buys, so we may have to

re-stick it a few times.

That looks so much better.

It's like they're excited
about opening that present.

Which is probably a dead bunny.

Okay, I'm gonna go dig
the snow out of my butt,

and then let's bake some cookies!

I bet Mrs. Claus says
the same thing every year.

[LOUISE] All right, the
ball's in your court, Santa.

The full list!

[SANTA] ♪ Gluten, ho, ho, ho! ♪

♪ There's no disputin'
I love gluten ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Gluten, ho, ho, ho! ♪

♪ You're darn tootin' I love gluten ♪

♪ Ho, ho! ♪

♪ You got celiac? ♪

♪ Well, I got your back ♪

♪ but if I have that snack att*ck ♪

♪ gimme that gluten, ho, ho, ho! ♪

♪ There's no disputin'
I love gluten ♪

♪ Ho, ho, ho! ♪

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Where's my cookies? I earned 'em.