01x08 - The Life & Times of Bashiir Hassan

[bunniefuu]

[plaintive string music playing]

[snoring]

[snoring]

[keys jingling]

[lock clicking]

[door opens]

- [music fades]
- [snoring continues]

[teen 1] Do you think dogs
have names for us?

[teen 2] Whooooa.

Is that what they're saying? Our names?

Our real names?

[dog yipping happily]

- [yipping continues]
- No, I'm good.

Thanks.

- [plaintive string music resumes]
- [Eric snoring]

[fireworks booming]

{an8}...the ten-year-old believed to possess
the last Hershey bar on Earth.

[Eric snoring]

[faint squeaking]

- [music halts]
- [snoring]

[snorts, gasps]

[Eric gasping]

I'm moving in with Mom.

[Eric] Huh?

Wait.

Your mom?

[door shuts]

Steven, you know where your mom is?

- Steven, you know where she is?
- [dramatic string music playing]

Steven!

Steven!

What day is it?

[music crescendoes, fades]

Wait, I... [sighs]

I... I don't understand.

- Your mother okayed this?
- It was her idea.

Wait, so... she's coming here?

No, I'm going to her.

How?

I don't know. The bus?

The bus?

I'm not letting you go
all the way to... [splutters]

Where the heck is she, anyway?

[grunts] Canada.

Canada?!

She's in Canada?

What's in Canada?

Is it a man?

No, forget it. Don't tell me.

I'm not letting you go
to Canada alone on a bus.

- You're still a kid.
- It's not that hard.

I thought you liked it here.

What is there to like?

I don't know.

Your house, your dad, your room? Uh...

What about that kid
who stayed over once? Uh...

The one with all the allergies?

Your whole world is here!

And now my world will be in Canada.

If that's what you really want,

I'm not gonna stop you, but I'm driving.

And I don't want to hear another word.

Fine.

I can't believe it.

You sure you want to do this?

All right.
I'll go make us some sandwiches.

[somber music playing]

[man on radio]
...citing weather as the cause.

[radio signal warbling]

[man on radio]
...further delays in the rescue of...

[static crackling]

[man on radio] ...still stranded at sea.

{an8}[gulls squawking]

[Bernard] That captain
seemed like such a nice man.

I don't understand it.

Must have been something he had to do.

[Pauline] Ah-ha!

- [Bernard] What is it?
- A Danish.

Ugh. I hate Danishes.

Well, you have to eat something,
and everything else is spoiled.

They're too sweet.

Michael, will you please
talk some sense into this man?

Come on, we'll split it.

The nerve of that chef to run off
after we've already been abandoned by...

- [woman] Oh my God! Look!
- It's the Coast Guard! We're saved!

[cheering]

[ominous music playing]

[Michael] I don't think
that's the Coast Guard.

[suspenseful music playing]

- [pirate 1 speaking Somali] Let's go!
- Round them all up!

The cruise has made them
slow and complacent.

[pirate 2] Holy sh*t, a water slide!

[fireworks booming]

[gentle ambient music playing]

[Eric] Uh, Steven?

I really want you to think
about what you're doing here, okay?

'Cause this is a big move, buster.

The moment we get into that car
and pull out, there's no going back.

All right, so... so think about
the bonds that you've built here.

- [car horn blaring]
- In our home.

'Cause once you leave here,
they'll be broken forever.

[blaring continues]

And look, I know
how it feels to be confused.

I was a kid once too.

Dad. You're taking forever.

- Oh, I thought you...
- Are you coming or not?

Yeah. Sorry.

[car engine turns over]

All right. So where are we going?

Niagara Falls.

Niagara Falls?

- [pop music plays faintly on headphones]
- Oh, um, I thought we could...

Okay.

Okay.

Well, Niagara Falls, here we come.

[somber string music playing]

Steven?

When you see your mother,
I want you to give her this, okay?

Please?

[motorcycle engines revving]

[horn honking]

- You see that?
- What?

The nuns!

They were right there.

Hey.

Steven, Steven, Steven.

Steven!

[chuckles] Talk to me.

[Steven grumbles]

- What?
- Talk to me.

About what?

I don't know, anything. Just talk to me.

You want to talk girls?

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Talk to me. Aren't you bored?

No.

Okay, well...

- Uh, what are you listening to?
- Music.

- Yeah. But, like, what type?
- You wouldn't like it.

- Oh, try me.
- Ugh!

[discordant electronic music playing]

Yeah, I don't like that.

How about we just talk?

[huffs] Now he wants to talk.

[sighs]

Look, this is hard for me too.

All this is a lot.

None of this was supposed to happen.

And being a dad on top of that? [sighs]

It's a guessing game.

Steven!

- Steven!
- What?

- Did you hear any of that?
- Of what?

Of what I just said?

No. What did you just say?

I was talking about how, you know,

life gets tough.

And I'm your dad and stuff.

It... It sounded better the first time.

You know, I almost named you Henry.

What?

I always wanted to be a Henry.

I feel like it would've
made things easier.

For the both of us.

{an8}Not that your mother isn't wonderful,
but she left us.

{an8}Ran off like a thief in the night.
You expect her not to do it again?

{an8}She's not going to.

{an8}You don't know that.

{an8}She's happy now.

{an8}She is?

Yeah. Lost, like, ten pounds,
and has a dog named Murphy Brown,

and makes large metal sculptures
in the woods.

She makes sculptures?

Of what?

I don't know. They're abstract.

With the squiggles?

Squiggles...

Well, good for her.
She's always been the creative type.

Could have made squiggles at home, but...

[sniffles]

I'm happy for her.

I would never leave you.

I want you to know that. Never.

I thought you would never
leave the couch either.

Hey, that's not fair.

Dad, this is the first time in weeks
I've seen you in pants.

What does that have to do with anything?

My pants are not the issue here.
Your mother is the issue.

- Wha... What are you looking for?
- The sandwiches.

Oh, I didn't...

We didn't have bread.

We'll stop and pick something up.

[Vivaldi's "Stabat Mater" playing]

[baroque music crescendoes, fades]

[wind whistling softly]

What do you have there?

Some chips, soda... Trail mix?

Put that back.

Dried banana chips and nuts?

Let me tell you something.

These are trash. Okay?

Impulse snacks.

Plus the blend is all wrong. Nope.

In this family, we make our own mix.

Dad, I'm not eating out of a garbage bag.

Trust me. It's clean.

There is a science to a good mix

and it has none of that crap.

A good mix starts with a good base.

I always go for the Chicago style blend.
Caramel and cheddar popcorn.

Has a little of everything,
the sweet and the savory.

Popcorn is a great base,

but it's the type of snack that wants
you to shove handfuls into your mouth,

so what you need now
is something to slow you down.

Speed bumps, something with a crunch.

Corn nuts, Combos, wafers.

That feels like a lot of stuff.

Oh, my boy.

We are not even close to being done here.

Now that we have our crunch,
we need something chewy,

like gummy bears
or anything in the gummy family.

Fish, worms, sour, et cetera.

Okay.

So now you have your chew, crunch,
and that slow mouth dissolve.

Amateurs would stop right here.

Most people would have stopped
at the garbage bag.

Steven...

I'm trying to teach you
the difference between a good mix

and a great one.

Dad, it really just looks like
you're throwing food out.

What do you think
I've been doing on the couch?

- Crying?
- Not just crying.

- Moaning?
- Okay, yeah.

But I've also been perfecting this.

Trust me.

We have the sweet, sour, and salty,

but we are forgetting
two important flavor profiles.

The bitter and the umami.

I like to go with dark cocoa
for my bitter,

and for umami, Doritos are my go-to.

Smash those up for me, son.

[crinkling]

[Eric] Come on, don't be shy.
The finer, the better.

And now we shake it up.

[grunting]

[Steven chuckles]

[Steven laughs]

{an8}[both chuckling]

{an8}[Steven] Dad, you look insane.

{an8}Trust me. This is the only way
to properly disperse the flavors.

[sighs]

Okay.

Now we give it a taste.

- This is actually pretty good.
- See?

When it comes to flavors,
nothing is ever too salty or too sweet.

It's just missing its opposite component.

And we won't get sick?

Oh, we will.

But you're young
and that's not the point of the mix.

Flavor first, then we deal with
the other stuff later.

- You know what would be good with this?
- What?

Slushies.

[chuckles]

Now you're thinking.

[slurping loudly]

{an8}- [ominous music playing]
- [a*t*matic g*nf*re]

{an8}Oh, God! We're doomed.

Even if you got a ransom for us,
what good would it be?

Money's been worthless for months.

We are not interested in money.

Then what do you want?

The life of a pirate,
it is a very harsh life.

It is a life of cruelty and pain.

- [thunder clapping]
- [a*t*matic g*nf*re]

[Bashiir] We take from others

what we have been deprived ourselves.

Before the planet,
it was wealth and valuables.

[inaudible]

[Bashiir] But now...

Now we take what has been
missing from our lives at sea.

Rest, relaxation,

fun in the sun.

[lively electronic music playing]

[Bashiir] Large drinks
with pieces of fruit on the rim.

Some of them blue.

The pirate's life,
it did not provide such things,

so now we take them.

Moments of peace and joy
from lives we never lived.

[laughing and cheering]

[Bashiir] For a pirate,
these are most precious things.

Good times.

Limbo contests.

Chocolate fountains.

A vacation.

[in Somali]
This is why we have seized your ship...

...so that we may know tranquility...

...before it is too late.

[in English] Well, if you let us go,

I'm sure all of us would be fine
with you guys enjoying the cruise, right?

- I don't see why not.
- Totally.

- You guys should totally join us.
- Too crowded.

- Sorry?
- Too many people in the wave pool.

Long lines for the water slide.

- That would not be fun at all.
- [w*apon cocks]

[in Somali] Get back! Go!

[in English] Well, it was worth a sh*t.

[suspenseful music swells, fades]

[soft guitar music playing]

Oh! Isn't it great?

God, I love the open road.

Two lanes that can take us anywhere.

Okay. If you could go anywhere
right now, where would you go?

Um... Niagara Falls?

Oh.

Yeah. Your mother.

That's the allure of the road.

Sometimes you forget
where you're even going.

Niagara Falls.

You know, I have skills
other than making snacks.

Plenty of stuff I can pass down to you.

Like, how to fold a bedsheet,
or iron a pair of slacks,

or how to change a tire,
or fry the perfect egg.

I also know how to tie a Windsor knot
and what not to say at a wedding.

And how to get out of a fight.

Um, let's see.

Uh, I can draw a pretty good duck.

And once I put a whole dresser together
without looking at the instructions.

Anyway, just...

If you ever need to know
any of that stuff, you just call me up.

Okay, Dad.

["Truckin'" by the Grateful Dead playing]

[Eric sings along] ♪ Truckin' ♪

- ♪ Like the doo-dah man ♪
- [Steven laughs]

♪ Once told me
You've got to play your hand ♪

♪ Sometimes the cards ain't worth a dime ♪

♪ If you don't lay 'em down ♪

[chuckling]

[both inhale sharply]

[both exhale, laugh]

I snuck vodka out the liquor cabinet!

That's it! Let the wind blow it away.

I've stolen out of your wallet
and forged your signature!

[both singing along] ♪ Truckin' ♪

♪ Got my chips cashed in ♪

♪ Keep truckin'
Like the doo-dah man ♪

♪ Together
More or less in line ♪

♪ Just keep truckin' on ♪

[music fades]

Are you still in love with Mom?

Yeah. She was my first.

I wasn't her first.

In case you were wondering.

I wasn't.

[lively string music playing]

It's all because I told Margaret,

and when Margaret knows anything,
she tells Stephanie.

And Stephanie is friends with Amanda,
and they always go over to Charlotte's,

and two weeks ago,
guess who happened to be there? Lucy!

And Lucy is best friends with Tiffany,
who I don't even know,

but she knows Kate from Hebrew school,

and Kate knows Hillary,
who sees Jennifer every day,

and Jennifer, the big blabbermouth,

and Louise told her
she thought I was nice.

But not nice in the way you want to kiss.

Or go steady with.

It was a whole thing.

- Which one was it you liked again?
- Louise, Dad!

Thanks for driving.

I didn't realize how far it was gonna be.

This is nothing.

And don't worry.
We'll be there before you know it.

Great. [chuckles]

[thunder rumbling]

[rain pattering]

[tinkling softly]

[high, random piano notes being played]

Should we call Carol?

We've already said goodbye, honey.

I miss her.

I miss Elena.

We'll get through this. I promise.

Sorry, your love is...

It's a beautiful thing.

Oh. Well, thank you.

- You guys looking for a fourth or...?
- [thunderclap]

[all screaming]

[grunts]

[dramatic music playing]

[both] Michael!

[Michael and Bernard] Pauline!

[ship creaking]

[Michael and Pauline] Bernard!

[wheels squealing]

[cocking]

We're taking back our ship.

[thunderclap]

There they are!

Hey! This is our ship! You need to go.

[yelling in Somali]

- What did he say?
- Three men fell overboard!

They're trying to pull them back up.

They're drowning!

[pirate in Somali] Harder!

Come on!

[rope creaking]

[dramatic music swells]

Pull!

[rope creaking]

[pirate in Somali] Again!

[pirates straining]

[panting] I've always wondered what it
would feel like to save someone's life.

Quite exhilarating!

Yes!

Pull!

[cheering]

[wave whooshing]

[in English] Take me to the bridge.

Maybe we should go the other way?

It is too fast, and we are too slow.

So what do we do?

- We go up.
- Up?

[pirate] Up.

[man screaming]

[screaming]

[Bernard grunts]

We're not gonna make it.

Oh God. [sighs]

We're not gonna make it.

It's okay.

Even if it's not, we're together.

I love you, my darlings.

I love you both so much.

[music swells, fades]

- [in Somali] Yeah! We're alive!
- [all cheering]

- [all laughing]
- [man in English] Thank God!

{an8}[insects chirping]

[soft ambient music playing]

How's your stomach?

Fine. Yours?

Not gonna lie. We're sleeping
very close to a rest area for a reason.

[chuckles] Dad, that's so gross.

[both chuckling]

Isn't this way better
than riding the bus alone?

Yeah. Way better.

Anyway, time for bed.

You ready?

Yeah.

Good night.

Good night.

- [Eric snoring]
- [music fades]

[soft piano music playing]

[Eric] Dear Brooke,
when I started writing this,

I thought about all the things
I could say to win you back.

Like how I got really ripped
and learned to fly a plane.

But none of that is true.

Brooke, you're the smartest, kindest,
and most beautiful woman I've ever known,

and the truth is
I haven't been the same without you.

But, really, that's not
what this letter is about.

Lately I've been thinking about
when you first told me you were pregnant.

I remember feeling so panicked,
I thought I was going to die.

But then we found out it was a boy,
and all that went away.

Right then,
I knew I wasn't only getting a son,

but maybe a new best friend.

So when Steven told me he was leaving,

I of course freaked out and said
a bunch of dumb things like I usually do.

Man, I've never felt so useless.

Saying goodbye to him
is going to t*rture me forever.

My son is my only joy.

He's my love, my pride, my bud.

He's the only important thing I have,

and I don't know
how I'll live without him.

We're about to get into the car now.

Maybe I'll take a few detours
and try and stretch this thing out,

so don't get mad
if we get there a little late.

But whatever you do,

please make sure you give him
the best final months of his life.

The kid deserves it.

Love, Eric.

[Eric snoring]

Hey. What's up?

sh**t. [sighs] You weren't supposed to...

I'm sorry.

What? No, it's okay.

Dad, I lied.

I don't know where Mom is.

I just knew you wanted to see her,

and you were so...

So, I...

You're not mad?

Why would I be mad?

This is the happiest day of my life.

I can't believe it!

You're not leaving!

Plus, the way you screwed up,
it's exactly how I would have done it.

I've never been prouder!

[grunting] Dad, this kinda hurts.

Please,

let me have this.

Okay.

{an8}[birdsong]

Thanks for taking us home.

Don't know what we'd have done
if you hadn't come along.

Sorry about your cruise.

Good to be back on solid ground.

So, what's next?

A road trip. [chuckles]

Across America.

[Bernard] Now, with the Grand Canyon,

you got a choice
between the North and South Rim.

I recommend the North.

Good luck.

[in Somali] Good luck.

Okay, so where do we go now?

Um...

We can literally go anywhere.
The Grand Canyon, the Alamo...

[chuckles]

How about Niagara Falls?

Really?

Let's go to Niagara Falls.

[Eric] Hell yeah!

["Truckin'" playing]

♪ Truckin' ♪

♪ Got my chips cashed in ♪

♪ Keep truckin'... ♪

Go!

[pirates cheering]

[pirate] Yes! Yes! Yes! Go!

- Grand Canyon!
- ♪ More or less in line ♪

♪ Just keep truckin' on ♪

♪ Arrows of neon and flashing marquees
Out on Main Street ♪

♪ Chicago, New York, Detroit
And it's all on the same street ♪

♪ Your typical city involved
In a typical daydream... ♪