01x07 - The Super Bowl: God's Gift to Bookies

[bunniefuu]

DANNY: Guys, guys, I
want to make a toast.

To the worst Super Bowl
in the history of the game

and my biggest payday ever.

- RAY: Hear! Hear!
- Woo-hoo!

Nine to nothing. The MVP was
the f*cking field goal kicker.

- The favorite didn't cover.
- Total went under?

- Coin toss was tails.
- And every square bet fell flat on its ass.

Damn it, we got to toast again.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Ha.

- I have a question.
- $3.8 million.

Oh, get thee in my mouth.

Right? My boner could flip the table.

[LAUGHTER]

Hey, guys.

- Wow, hey.
- SANDRA: Hi.

Sorry we're late. Stopped
to do a little shopping.

Clearly.

Everyone, allow me to
introduce my girlfriend Yvette.

Yvette, this is Lorraine,
Ray, Sandra and Danny.

- Hi.
- [RUSSIAN ACCENT]: Hello.

Hello, let me help you, please.

- You look nice, Hector.
- Thank you.

HECTOR: Yeah, in the immortal
words of Billy Gibbons,

every girl's crazy about
a sharp-dressed man.

Oh, champagne. What are we celebrating?

[EXHALES] I-I got my biopsy results.

Benign.

- Good health is everything.
- [CHUCKLES]

Hey, you guys see Super Bowl yesterday?

Nah, just a little bit of it, yeah.

Yeah, I was in church
thanking the big guy.

I went to Super Bowl party.

I had the zero-zero square
at halftime, won $50.

- Oh, big money.
- Oh.

That's fun. Where'd you two meet?

- At the dog park.
- Oh, what kind of dog do you have?

How far you want to go with bullshit?

I was doing this for you.

I'm okay to be whore.

All right.

Full disclosure, this lovely lady
is only my girlfriend till tomorrow.

At noon.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Okay, let's, uh, let's order.

Okay.

♪ ♪

[SIGHS]

God bless America.

- Amen.
- I got a question.

How are we ever gonna
survive legalized gambling?

[LAUGHTER]

Wow.

[SIGHS]

Well, it does require some thinking.

- We got to put it to work.
- I'm listening.

We could open a chain
of massage parlors.

- No.
- No, hey,

let me finish.

It's a 100% cash business.

And what goes on behind closed doors

is between the masseuse
and the customer.

Do you go to those places?

Would it help at all if I told you

I went with an owner of an NFL team?

- It's a dirty business.
- And what we do is clean?

Our customers have free
will, they choose to bet.

Those girls... it's this
or they're back on the boat.

You're only making it hotter.

Okay, let's table the massage
parlors for the moment.

We don't participate
in human trafficking.

No, we don't. Shame on you, Rayfield.

[SIGHING]: Okay.

We got to figure out
a place to park this

while we explore our options.

Where do we stand on titty bars?

Tabling, Hector, tabling.

♪ I'm the truth, I'm the
truth, I'm the truth ♪

♪ You can go on, let it loose ♪

♪ Let it loose, I'm the truth... ♪

DANNY: How much you
think you're gonna need

- for that place in Brentwood?
- Oh, you mean Grandma's love nest?

I'm looking at a one-year
lease, 30 grand a month,

so, 360.

Got big plans for your cut?

Well, I don't want to
seem like I'm showboating,

but, uh, Anthony needs braces,

Sandra wants to buy a f*cking horse,

and there's something
askew with my prostate,

- so, uh, set phasers on fun.
- [CHUCKLES]

Are you gonna use, um, what's-his-name?

The urologist who drops six
figures a year on Nebraska?

Oh, Dr. Cornhusker? Nah.

I prefer an Ivy League finger up my ass.

Perfect world?

- Jewish finger.
- Ah.

A quarter gets you six
minutes? You believe this?

- Use my card.
- When'd you get a credit card?

- DANNY: It's Anthony's.
- RAY: He's 11.

He's also the legal owner of my home.

Please don't tell him.

- Let me give you fellas a hand.
- No, no, no.

- Down! Put it down!
- Whoa, whoa.

- What you got in here?
- Put the f*cking thing down, buddy!

Okay, okay. I'm just
trying to be neighborly.

Thank you.

Here you go. For your trouble.

A hundred dollars?

Delores, this guy's giving out hundies!

Ooh! Get me one!

- sh*t!
- Must be in the bags.

[CLAMORING]

- Those guys?
- Yeah, keep going. Yeah, go get 'em!

- Did we lose 'em?
- Think so.

Jesus, like a zombie movie.

Careful, that's not a nice thing to say.

Oh, you started it with
"Here's for your troubles."

I was just trying to help him out.

You want to help out homeless
people? Try paying taxes.

What the f*ck?

[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

Greg, what's going on?

We were robbed. And it's Gregory.

Did they get into the
safety deposit boxes?

No, no. Just a couple
of twitchy meth heads

grabbed some marked
bills and a dye pack.

Probably high as a kite and
covered in purple ink by now.

Well, that's a relief.

Because of all the legal documents

- and keepsakes you store with us?
- Exactly, Gregory.

What the f*ck are you
two pricks doing here?

This is our bank. What
are you doing here?

I-I took my in-laws to
see Disney on Ice. Hey.

Eh, brownie points with
the wife. Well played.

What's in the bags?

Laundry.

You take your laundry to the bank?

Yeah.

Care to show me?

No.

- Do you know these clowns?
- I do.

- What do you think's in the bags?
- Um...

[g*nshots IN DISTANCE]

[ANXIOUS CHATTER]

You are the luckiest
m*therf*ckers in the world.

Lloyd, Denise! Wait in my car!

- Jesus.
- Yeah.

Probably shouldn't be standing
here with all that dirty money.

Right.

[CLAMORING]

What do you say we just buy a new car?

SANDRA: Unbelievable. You guys
are lucky you got out of there.

Just so you know, they're
not homeless anymore.

They're unhoused.

Ray, you're the woke half
of our little enterprise.

You want to take this?

When we refused to
hand out any more money,

one of them dropped a
deuce on the roof of my car.

- Kinda knocked the ACLU right out of me.
- [SCOFFS]

- Where's Anthony?
- He's spending the night at a friend's.

- He's got a friend?
- Yeah, he's got a friend.

- Don't get snippy. That's news.
- Well...

[SIGHS] So, what's
the plan with all this?

We got to find somewhere safe for it.

How about we put it in a storage unit?

- No. No way.
- Why not?

I kept a lot of stuff from my
playing career in one of those.

You know, helmets, jerseys, shoes.

- Rats got to it.
- Rats eat money?

They ate a football
and a pair of cleats.

So, why don't we just
put it under the bed?

- The bed.
- Yeah.

I'm not even gonna dignify
that with a response.

It's where I kept your Christmas
present for three months.

- You never found it.
- The Tony Lamas?

Gonna dignify it now?

All right, bed's an option.

Well, if you're thinking about
the bed, why not my place?

Two words: da hood.

- Well, that's r*cist.
- Is it?

Okay, let's stash $3.8 million

on the corner of Malcolm
X Avenue and MLK Boulevard.

Fine.

But it's an option, like the bed.

Well, how about we
bury it in the backyard?

What, are we pirates now?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on, hang on.

That's not the worst idea in the world.

You got a shovel?

- I don't know.
- What do you mean you don't know?

- How could you not know?
- I got a yard guy.

Comes once a week, takes out
the garbage, does everything.

When you move into Brentwood,
I'll give you his number.

You're moving to Brentwood?

Yeah. So we need shovels and we need...

- When were you planning on telling me?
- I just did.

I'm sorry, but I thought we
had the kind of relationship

that would merit a little foreshadowing.

- Foreshadowing?
- A heads-up, m*therf*cker.

You know I'm only moving for my grandma.

Who I'd love to meet one day,

assuming you're not ashamed of me.

- Sandra...
- RAY: I'm not ashamed of you,

I'm just organizing my life.

- Are you hearing this bullshit?
- I am.

Well, don't you assholes
have some shovels to buy?

- Yep, yep, come on, assh*le.
- Shovel.

[EXHALES]

So, we're okay leaving
the money with you?

Oh, my...

Of course. Of course we are.

Um, okay, I'll pick up some
Chinese food on the way,

- save you from cooking?
- [SIGHS]

Right. Let's go.

I mean...

RAY: You do realize you just told
your wife you don't trust her?

[SCOFFS] It's not about trust.

It's about reality.

You take any woman, I mean any woman,

and you show her a bag with
just under $4 million in it?

And then you show her a picture

of the guy she's been
f*cking for 15 years?

She's taking the bag.

And you, "organizing your life"?

What?

I got a lot of responsibilities
and I'm just trying to simplify.

By sleeping with a woman who has
an ice pick in her pocketbook?

- Very funny.
- I've seen it.

It's got electrical tape
wrapped around the handle

so it doesn't slip when it's wet.

I got half a mind to take this
money and leave the country.

You split it, I'll go with you.

I was kidding.

- I wasn't.
- [SANDRA LAUGHS]

But, man, the sh*t that comes
out of his mouth sometimes.

- Don't take it personal.
- How could I not take it personal?

Because you're married to a
guy who grew up in foster care.

- That's some damaged goods.
- Well, what about you?

- You came up the same way.
- I'm better than him.

[LAUGHS]

Still, I can't help
picturing him standing here,

holding his shiny, new shovel,
wondering where his money went.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

So, tell me about this
microdosing thing you're doing.

You're interested? I thought
you were more of a Cabernet,

Ambien kind of gal.

- Maybe that's what I wanted you to think.
- Oh?

I get to know you better, I'll
tell you about kicking heroin.

- Really?
- High school's different for everybody.

Huh.

So, what's the deal
with these mushrooms?

Instead of telling you,
why don't I show you?

- Now?
- Anthony's not here.

Those knuckleheads will be
up all night digging a hole.

You'll walk me through it?

Why don't we walk together?

- You talk to Hector?
- Nah.

He's probably still having
the girlfriend experience.

[SCOFFS]

All through the dinner, I
was trying to look at her

- without getting caught.
- Me, too.

- Ice pick, buddy, ice pick.
- [LAUGHS]

So what are we thinking? Two shovels,

a plastic tub.

Something to wrap the
cash so it stays dry.

What, like aluminum foil?

We're not baking a potato. Saran Wrap.

What, are we making a sandwich?

[GRUNTS] Jesus.

Dirt usually this hard?

It's winter, so yeah.

Kind of hurts.

You were in jail for four
years. You never dug a hole?

Okay, to be clear, jail's for pussies.

I was in prison.

Sure, you were public enemy number one.

Never done hard labor?

Nope.

I did laundry.

Started in loading,
graduated to mending rips,

- sewing buttons, what have you.
- Mm-hmm. Let me see your hands.

It's like veal.

You've never done
manual labor, have you?

Always been the brains
behind the outfit.

Move away.

[GRUNTS]

- Am I gonna throw up?
- Nah, that's peyote.

Psilocybin's real gentle.

What about Mario and Luigi over there?

- Should we tell them what we're doing?
- [SCOFFS]

Three-to-one they don't even notice.

- Hundred gets me three?
- Yeah.

Done.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Hmm.

It's like cement.

I'm telling you.

[PANTING, GASPS]

You know, I saw somewhere

where gravediggers
heat up the cold ground

- to make it easier.
- That's not a bad idea.

Brains behind the outfit.

Well, we're gonna need
some twigs, for kindling.

You feel it?

Not really.

I would like to say something.

Yeah?

I'm glad you're my sister-in-law.

- Oh, it's working.
- No, it's not the drug.

I really am. I...

You remind me of my sister.

I didn't know you had
a sister. Where is she?

Oh, Rebecca d*ed a long time ago.

- Car accident.
- Oh, no.

Yeah. It was awful.

Did you call her Becky?

[LAUGHS]: I did.

She hated it.

God, I was so mean to her.

You?

Yeah. I was the pretty one,

so I was always stealing her boyfriends.

You think you're prettier than me?

No, I was prettier than Becky.

Yeah, but you said I
reminded you of her.

Not in that way.

- Well, in what way?
- I...

I had tits, she didn't.

I have tits.

- Eh.
- What's "meh"?

Lorraine, you're a beautiful woman.

Don't make this about you.

The accident your sister
was in, who was driving?

Why would you ask that?

It was you, wasn't it?

You're the reason I'm dead.

- You're not Becky.
- Answer me.

I was driving, yes,
but it was just because

- you were too drunk.
- You k*lled me?

You thought it would be
funny to grab the wheel

- and play chicken with a telephone pole.
- You were my big sister.

You were supposed to look after me!

- You were actually two years older than me.
- I don't care!

Oh, sure, Becky, just walk
away like you always do.

[SHOUTS]

Nice job. You must've been a Boy Scout.

No, but I was molested.

- You serious?
- Yeah, older woman.

But back then, it
wasn't considered a crime

as much as it was a,
uh, learning opportunity.

[PHONE RINGING]

What's up, Hector? Where you been?

- Danny, I've been kidnapped!
- What?

Yvette and her Russian
f*ckin' friends... [GRUNTS]

It might be somebody else.
They're wearing masks.

- Are you serious?
- Very.

Well, what do they want with you?

I may have bragged to
Yvette about our big score.

You told the hooker?

I thought we had a connection.

- What's going on?
- Uh...

Hector's, uh, girlfriend
experience took a turn.

What's the ask?

Well, here's the good
news. They only want half.

One-nine?

Leaves us with one-nine.

Tell them to go f*ck themselves.

Sounds like a nyet.

You can't let them k*ll him.

Nobody's k*lling anybody.

It's all a negotiation.

[PHONE RINGING]

What'd I tell you?

- Go.
- They say they're gonna

cut me up into little pieces
and feed me to their pigs.

Pigs? Who's got pigs in Los Angeles?

- Zoning issue.
- Danny, please. You got to do something.

I'm getting a call. I'll call you back.

He's gonna call back.

You can't keep stalling.
What's our number?

I'm thinking ten grand.

The ask is one-nine, and you're
gonna counter with ten grand?

- Twelve?
- Danny.

Twelve-five. That's a good
day's work for an average criminal.

And you're willing to
bet Hector's life on this?

[EXHALES]

I know I'm gonna sound
like one of these assholes

that bets with us, but I'm
really feeling this one.

I'm sorry.

What are you sorry about?

I'm a board-certified
psychedelic therapist,

and I haven't been doing my job.

You're not certified for anything.

More importantly...

Becky forgives you.

What?

She came to me.

She told me the accident was her fault.

[EXHALES]

Don't f*ck with me, Lorraine.

I'm not f*cking with you.

And she said guys didn't like
you because you were pretty.

They liked you because you
sucked cock like it cured cancer.

RAY [DISTANT]: Okay.
Okay, okay, okay, okay!

- Do you have a fire extinguisher?
- What the f*ck?

RAY: How could you not know?

- Do you have a hose?
- SANDRA: Pretty.

Biblical.

The green thing that looks like a snake.

Yeah, no, we got a h... We got a hose.

The gardener uses it.

Yeah, yeah, go find it. Where is it?

- I don't know.
- Oh, my God. Just go find it.

- O-Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, sh*t.

- Oh, here-here it is. I got it.
- Hurry up. Hurry up.

- f*cking dirty back here.
- What are you doing?

Uh, it's tangled around a f*cking rock!

Okay.

RAY: Come on.

Use your thumb!

- What?
- Put the thumb on top of the hose!

- What the f*ck are you talking about?
- To tighten up the spray!

- I don't know what the f*ck you mean.
- Give it to me.

Can you believe that's my life partner?

DANNY: Okay.

- Okay. Okay, yeah.
- Yeah.

Wow, that's clever.

That's... well...

You done with the hole?

Yeah, Lorraine, we're
done with the hole.

What's gonna happen with Hector?

- I'm waiting on another call.
- And what if you don't get one?

I love the guy, but... problem solved.

Hey. You don't mean that.

Oh, you see right through me.

I'm just acting tough
because my heart's breaking.

And by the way, thanks to you two

for keeping your sh*t
together through all this.

Oh.

- What's that?
- I'll tell you

when your face stops melting.

- [POUNDING ON DOOR]
- Ugh, now what?

f*ck. f*ck.

- Oh, thank God.
- Tell me about it.

- They let you go?
- I escaped.

How'd you do that?

They left me alone in a
room long enough so I could

cut the duct tape on the
edge of a metal workbench.

And the best part, the commie
bastards left the back door unlocked.

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

RAY: Oh, f*ck me.

- He led them to us.
- Yep.

No, I escaped.

Look.

That could be Amazon, FedEx.

- How many are there?
- I don't know. Eight, nine?

- Armed?
- Heavily.

- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- [HEAVY THUD]

Well, what's it say?

"Bring all the money out or die."

- Oh, my God.
- [PHONE RINGING]

That's not a lot of wiggle room.

Oh, hey, Anthony. How's it going?

- You want to come home?
- [MOUTHS]

Well, I'm sorry
Justin's being mean to you,

but y-you're just gonna have
to figure out a way to get along.

Well, pick up a fork and s*ab him back.

I-I got to go. Stay where you are.

Uh... Mommy loves you.

- Oh, my God.
- LORRAINE: D.

What are you gonna do?

Who you calling?

My favorite cop.

Carl. Danny Colavito.

How would the Police Athletic League

like to make a million dollars
in small, unmarked bills?

[SIRENS WAILING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

I would recommend we all get down.

g*n!

Brains of the outfit.

[CAT MEOWING]

♪ ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I love Jimmy Luxury. ♪

It's your favorite bookmaker.

[CLEARS THROAT] Call me back.