02x02 - What If... Peter Quill att*cked Earth's Mightiest Heroes?

Episode transcripts for the TV show "What If...?". Aired: August 11, 2021 to present.*
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Reimagining famous events from the films in the MC Universe.
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02x02 - What If... Peter Quill att*cked Earth's Mightiest Heroes?

Post by bunniefuu »

PEGGY: Commander,
do you have eyes on the target?

PILOT: Barely. It's moving fast.

PEGGY: You are free to engage.
We cannot allow it to enter U.S. airspace.

PILOT: Copy that. Weapons hot.

- Fire at will.
- [DEVICE BEEPING]

PILOT: Contact!
The object's hit. It's going down.

PEGGY: Where?

[POP SONG PLAYING]

Waiting for a star to fall

[expl*si*n]

And carry your heart into my arms

That's where you belong

[LOUD WHIRRING]

[LOUD RUMBLING]

[SIRENS BLARING]

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

OFFICER: What the...

Is that a kid?

Not just any kid, but Peter Quill.

A son of Earth and the stars
whose pain and loss

now threatens to destroy the very world
he once called home.

And the entire universe along with it.

THE WATCHER: Time.

Space.

Reality.

It's more than a linear path.

It's a prism of endless possibility,

where a single choice
can branch out into infinite realities,

creating alternate worlds
from the ones you know.

I am the Watcher.

I am your guide
through these vast new realities.

Follow me and ponder the question...

"What if?"

Six months earlier,

the Ravagers were dispatched to abduct
Peter Quill from his home world.

But young Quill's captor
couldn't bring himself to turn him over

and chose to raise him as his own.

At least, that's how the story often goes.

But in this universe,
Yondu never had his change of heart.

So he turned Peter over to his father,
the Celestial being known as Ego.

[CHUCKLES] Well, you won't be
needing these anymore, Peter.

Not when there's so much more
for you to play with.

THE WATCHER: Ego called it the Expansion,

a long-held dream to remake the universe
in his image.

And with his son now at his side,

he had all the power he needed
to bring it to fruition.

PEGGY: Orbital Intelligence
has retraced his steps

across dozens of nearby solar systems,

all destroyed,
consumed by a wave of cosmic radiation

within 24 hours of his arrival.

And I thought my kid
was a pain in the ass.

Tony has spunk.

This kid has an entire nuclear arsenal
coursing through his veins.

HOWARD: With that kind of firepower,

I don't know that there's
a person on Earth who can stop him.

Not one person working alone, but a team,

made up of the best
our little planet has to offer.

You forgetting we're
in the middle of a Cold w*r?

All that We Are the World garbage
doesn't really play outside of MTV.

This boy has already torn through
midtown Manhattan

in a matter of minutes, Howard.

At the rate he's going, our planet
won't last a day. We need help.

[SIGHS]

Okay. Who's on our roster?

Um, there's no vegetable.

[SIGHS] The potato chips
are the vegetable.

Seriously?

[SIGHS]

- And you're supposed to be a scientist?
- And you're supposed to like potato chips.

[SIGHS]

[PHONE RINGING]

HOWARD: Hank, please don't hang up.

[PHONE RINGING]

You know, for a genius, Stark,
you're pretty slow on the take.

Listen, if you don't wanna talk to me,
that's fine.

Just do one thing. Turn on the TV.

- What?
- Dad? You should see this.

REPORTER: ...Grand Central Terminal
and parts of Midtown.

The aircraft's occupant
was seen...

Send the plane.

HOWARD: One step ahead of you.

[PLANE ENGINE ROARING]

[SCOFFS] Typical.

Hey, honey. You wanna go to work with Dad?

Whoa! This is where you work?

HANK: [CHUCKLING] No, no.
Used to work, sweetie. Not anymore.

This is so cool.

Things must be real bad
if they had the balls to call us in.

Foster. Great. Now I know it's a disaster.

Always a pleasure. What's the matter?
Didn't wanna spring for a sitter?

You know damn well I don't have anyone
to leave her with, thanks to this place.

Let's save the fighting
for the b*ttlefield, shall we?

Wow. Who's the guy in the armor?

PEGGY: King T'Chaka of
the African kingdom of Wakanda.

They don't typically involve themselves
in global affairs, but...

- HOPE: Aliens?
- Yes, aliens.

Your Highness, it's a pleasure.

Your father was a great ally to us
during the w*r.

Yes, I understand he even donated
some Vibranium to your efforts.

We made a shield out of it
and lost it in the Arctic.

But other than that,
things turned out pretty well.

Hey, how'd the Commies snag an invite?

Gorbachev wanted the target contained
before he reaches Moscow.

So he sent the Winter Soldier,
the world's most deadly assassin.

[GASPS] It looks just like him, Howard.
Just like Bucky.

I'd heard the rumors.

But even if they're true,
the man we knew is long gone, Peg.

And we have bigger fish to fry.

Satellites indicate an alarming rate
of cosmic radiation

emanating from the hostile's path.

He's on the move,
heading towards Coney Island.

And if we don't get there
and take him out now,

the entire Eastern Seaboard won't be
inhabitable for the next half century.

Are we even gonna be able
to intercept him in time?

New York's a long way
from the Mojave Desert.

- Not in my ride.
- Dr. Wendy Lawson, U.S. Air Force.

She's spearheading our joint research
into the Tesseract.

That uniform doesn't
really look like air force.

It's not. It's Kree Starforce.

- What?
- Long story. I'll explain on the way.

- [ENGINE WHIRRING]
- Great. We got a Cat Man.

Space Broad, Giant Man.

Silent But Deadly. Good to see you.

- And you're gonna be the crusty guy.
- I was just saying...

Buckle up, Crusty.
This bird's kind of a kick in the pants.

[RUMBLING]

[DISTANT EXPLOSIONS]

This kid puts on quite a show.

Hmm?

ANIMATRONIC ATTENDANT:
Dunk a duck, win a prize!

Dunk a duck, win a prize!

BLACK PANTHER: From my perch,
he does not look all that threatening.

LAWSON: Looks can be deceiving,
Your Highness.

BILL: You'd think the leader
of a technological superpower

that masquerades as a Third World country
would appreciate that.

BLACK PANTHER: I see your point.

HANK: Lawson, how are we looking?

I'm at the crash site.
Moving in to secure the pod ship now.

Everybody in position?

Relax. I got the perimeter.

HANK: You've been juicing, Foster?

I seem to remember you
maxing out at 21 feet.

BILL: I made some adjustments, Hank.
I figured it's the end of the world.

Go big or go home.

BLACK PANTHER: If you two are finished
measuring your statures,

I have eyes on the target.

He appears to be enjoying himself
on this tilt-a-whirl.

LAWSON: If you can isolate the kid,

you should be able to trap him
in the photon grid.

HANK: You cover the trap.
I'll handle the boy.

BLACK PANTHER: Are you sure
you do not want any backup?

HANK: No. I'm great with kids.

- [INSECTS TRILLING]
- HANK: What's the matter, kid?

- What?
- HANK: Something bugging you?

[GASPS, YELPS]

[GRUNTS]

BILL: Okay, show time.
Panther, get ready with that tranquilizer.

HANK: Luring him to your position now.

I'll rendezvous as soon as I can.

This tech's advanced.
It's gonna take me a minute to cr*ck it.

[BULBS BREAKING]

[PANTS, YELPS]

[YELPING]

[PANTING]

[DEVICE WHIRRING]

- [LASER ZAPS]
- [GASPS]

[SIZZLES]

BLACK PANTHER: Resistance will only
make this more difficult, my young friend.

[GROWLS]

[GRUNTS, EXHALES]

Well, that went poorly.

[GRUNTING]

BILL: I got him.

[GASPS] Oh, no. No!

[GRUNTS] Whoa!

- Ha!
- [GRUNTS] Ahhh!

Little help here.

[BEEPING]

LAWSON: Pull back, k*ller.

If the Cube in that jet blows,
there won't be a planet left to save.

Hyah!

[GRUNTS]

[GASPS, GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[COUGHS, GRUNTS]

- Thanks, big guy.
- Anytime.

Whoa!

Guys. Problem child, 12 o'clock.

- [GRUNTS]
- Oh, no!

[COUGHS, GRUNTS]

BLACK PANTHER: Does anyone have a plan?

HANK: I've got a plan. Retreat.

BILL: Come on, people.

Okay, let's go.

Whoa! Aw, come on!

[THUNDERCLAPS]

ALL: Whoa!

Who the hell is that guy?

Wow. Is it really you?

If you are referring to your doom,
then yes.

Bummer. I thought you were
the dude from Van Halen.

I'm... Van what?

THOR: Jotunheim was the first to fall.
Asgard soon thereafter.

One by one, the armies of the Nine Realms
perished at that boy's hands.

Until this realm, Earth,
was all that remained.

Well, surely, if you've come all this way,
you must have a plan in mind?

The Celestial seedling.

Ego has used them to implant his essence
on planets across the universe.

I recovered Earth's on my way here
from a place called Missouri.

So that's how he's doing it.
He's consuming these planets.

The seedlings are the fuse of
Ego's Expansion, a fuse that must be lit.

By the child. That is why he is here.

So, why don't we just shove this thing
down the garbage disposal? Problem solved.

Wrong. The seedling is protected
by a veil of cosmic energy.

Only a being of Celestial origin
can penetrate it.

Well, lucky for us,
we have one in custody.

-So if you're lost and on your own
-[SINGING ALONG]

You can never surrender

And when the night is cold and dark

- [MUSIC INAUDIBLE]
- You can see... [SCATS] light

Whoa!

[HUMMING]

- [MUSIC CONTINUES]
- To fight and...

You know it.

To never surrender

To never...

Come on. [CHUCKLES]

Nope? Just me?

- [MUSIC STOPS]
- [SIGHS]

Kinda awkward.

Cool song, though. It's always been
one of my mom's favorites.

Or at least it was.

- My mom loved it too.
- That her Walkman?

Um...

It's just,
you're holding on to it pretty tight.

I know if I still had mine,
I'd probably be doing the same.

You know, you don't seem so bad,
given where you're from.

Hey, what's wrong with Missouri?

Missouri? My dad said you were an alien.

Dude, feed me a corn dog
and call me Springsteen,

because I was born in the U.S.A.

Why else do you think I'd fly


In a ship, by the way, with no tape deck.
I'm just trying to get home.

[ALARM BLARING]

Security breach
in the detainment facility.

Where are my particles? And where's Hope?
And where's my key card?

[PANTING]

Whoa!

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

And thank you, Dad.

- Whoa! That was crazy.
- [GIGGLES]

I noticed a bus stop about a mile out.
It should get you to where you need to go.

- And here. I want you to have this.
- What? No way. This was your mom's.

Look, it's a long ride to Missouri,
and she'd be glad to know I'm sharing.

Thanks, Hope.

I owe you one.

HANK: Hope! Come on.
I think they're down here.

Oh! Hope. Thank God. You okay, sweetie?
Did he hurt you?

Hurt me? Peter? He's a kid, like me, Dad.

I was just trying to help him get home.

- Home? Like his home world?
- No, like Missouri.

You guys are making a mistake.
Peter's not behind all this. It's his dad.

He says he's, like,
a weird alien space god or something.

Yeah. Great. Blame the absentee father.
I get that enough from my own son.

HANK: Sweetie, we really
need to find your friend.

Did he say anything more specific
about where he might be headed?

THOR: This is taking too long.

I will find the boy and destroy him
and the seedling myself.

Hey, Lightning Boy, we kind of have
a team thing going on here.

And I have a duty thing going on here,
Mustache Man.

To see to it that the boy
submits to Asgardian justice.

Which entails what, exactly?

Eternal flagellation, impalement,
some light maiming.

You know, standard stuff.

We can't just let you take him.
We need to study him.

BUCKY: We need to k*ll him.

[GASPS]

- He's a thr*at, even without the seedling.
- Well, what do you know? He speaks.

And who would've thought?
He's advocating m*rder.

- It's a bit on the nose, if you ask me.
- Nevertheless, his logic is sound.

So long as the boy lives,
this planet will never be safe.

And is that not what we're here to ensure?

That's right.

You're here to do the right thing.

And Peter deserves our help
as much as anyone.

You want me to tell you where he went?

Then you have to promise me
you'll help him.

You know that's what Mom would've done.

[SONG PLAYING]

EGO: Peter.

Peter.

Why can't he hear me?

Why can't I connect with my son?

COMPUTER: According to his ship's logs,
the vessel was compromised

by an enemy combatant
before sustaining catastrophic damage.

- EGO: Where?
- Earth.

Well, then I guess I'll have to finish
what he started myself.

[PULSATING]

Uh, Thunder Guy,
is it supposed to be doing this?

The seedling is awakening.
Its master nears.

[ALARM BLARING]

We've got incoming. Another alien vessel
about to make landfall, right outside.

Oh, man.

Well, guess that's the dad.
The girl was right.

[SCOFFS] Wouldn't I love to have that
printed on a T-shirt.

We have our hands full with
just one of these Celestials.

How are we gonna take on two?

There is an ancient Wakandan proverb
from the days before our tribes united.

"One only wins a two-front w*r
by getting out of your enemy's way."

- Meaning?
- If you can't fight 'em both,

let 'em fight each other.

Lawson, tell me you got eyes on that kid.

LAWSON: Picking up some cosmic radiation
that's definitely not of this world.

HOWARD: You find him,
you bring him in ready to suit up.

He may be our only hope

- of stopping dear old dad.
- [SIGHS]

You really think a child is going to be
so willing to fight his own father?

- [CHUCKLES]
- What?

You're not a parent, are you, Wendy?

[ENGINES WHIRRING]

[BILL EXHALES]

You've taken something from me.
I'd like it back.

Not so long as there is breath
in my body. [GRUNTS]

For Asgard!

[GASPS, GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

BILL: [SCOFFS] You got any breath left
in there, buddy?

Hand over the seedling
and this will all be over.

PEGGY: All this, meaning us? [SCOFFS]

Not gonna happen.
So if you've come to destroy us,

you're going to be leaving here
very disappointed.

Destroy you? No. No, no, no.
I've come to save you.

By growing and spreading.

Covering all that exists,
until every part of you is me.

[RUMBLING]

BLACK PANTHER:
You don't see that every day.

BILL: Great.

EGO: And if you will not give us back
what is ours...

We will take it from you!

Fire!

BILL: Let's dance.

Whoa!

[GRUNTS]

PEGGY: Incoming!

[METAL RINGING]

[LAUGHS]

[RUMBLING]

- BLACK PANTHER: What?
- By Odin's beard!

- BILL: Oh, I gotta go bigger.
- Take him out!

We'll hold them off for as long as we can,
but Ego's forces are coming.

You need to get
that seedling out of there.

Sounds like a job
for our resident Terminator.

Home Plate to Winter Soldier. Do you copy?

[RADIO STATIC BUZZES]

- Winter Soldier, do you copy?
- [RADIO STATIC BUZZING]

LAWSON: Okay, Hank, look.

I can use this gravitational control
to hold him down,

but I'll need you to subdue him.

We're dealing with
an 8-year-old here, Lawson.

We want him to help,
we have to make him want to.

BUCKY: The Americans
have located the target.

[KARPOV ON RADIO IN RUSSIAN]

[IN ENGLISH] Hey there, kid.
I'm Hank. Hope's dad.

She has told me a lot about you.

Everything that's happening,
it's not me, it's him.

He has this power to get inside my head.

BILL: What you got? What you...

Oh! [GRUNTS]

I can't... [SCREAMS]

Come on. Let's go. Yeah!

[GRUNTING]

BLACK PANTHER: [GRUNTS] Come on!

I thought maybe if I came back here,
I wouldn't feel so alone.

But [SIGHS] without my mom,
it doesn't even feel like home anymore.

[KARPOV ON RADIO IN RUSSIAN]

- HOWARD: [IN ENGLISH] Stand down, soldier.
- Huh?

I intercepted your handler's transmission.

It's just you and me, pal.

BUCKY: There is no me.

PEGGY: Fall back!
All units, all units, fall back!

[THOR GRUNTING]

I know how you feel, Peter.

Since we lost Hope's mom,
our home hasn't felt the same either.

And to be honest, neither have I.

The pain, the anger, the loneliness.

I know it can feel
like you're drowning in it, but I haven't,

and you don't have to either,

so long as you let the people around you
pull you out.

HOWARD: Bucky, when you see that kid,
all you see is a target.

But I see a future.
The life he can lead, the good he can do.

And I see it in you too.

BUCKY: You don't know me.

HOWARD: Steve Rogers did.

And the man he knew, the friend he loved,
would never take that sh*t.

[BILL GROANING]

We've got a big problem.

[GRUNTS]

[BLACK PANTHER GRUNTS]

Stark, are you seeing this?

Howard, you have hostiles inbound!

Peter, come back with us. Please.

- [SNIFFLES, SIGHS]
- Come join our family.

Bucky, please.

Well, kid, what do you say?

Bucky.

[BUCKY GASPS SOFTLY]

[SIGHS]

HOWARD: Hank. Lawson. Did you get the kid?

Yeah, we got him.

- HOWARD: We need him back here now.
- Roger that.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] Fifty years later,
Captain America is still saving my ass.

PEGGY OVER RADIO: Repeat,
the base has been compromised.

- Get out of there!
- [BOTH GASP]

[GASPS, GRUNTS]

No! The seedling!

If someone doesn't stop that seedling,
we are done for!

- BLACK PANTHER: I can't break free.
- [GRUNTS] No!

BILL: We're not gonna make it.

[ENERGY CRACKLING]

[BLACK PANTHER SCREAMS]

- Someone must stop it.
- [SONIC BOOM]

- [CHUCKLING] Yes!
- BILL: Oh, yeah!

- As if on cue, Wendy!
- Crusty, jump.

HANK: We got it!
I hope you're right about this, kid.

Peter. [CHUCKLES] You're alive!

And you... Well, you seem to have
fallen in with the wrong crowd.

This is my home, Dad.

This is my mom's home.
And I can't just let you destroy it.

That's the mortal in you, Peter.

In time, though, you'll come
to understand everything dies.

Except us.

How could you say that?
My mother, you said you loved her.

And that I did.

But I knew if she were to live,
the Expansion,

the reason for our existence,
would never come to pass.

So I did what I had to do,
as you must now, Peter.

You k*lled my mother?

No, no, no, no. I get it. You're upset.

[CHUCKLES] But you know you don't have
the power to destroy me, Peter.

- You're right. But you do.
- Peter...

And with this, a little bit of you
will always live inside of me.

[GRUNTS] Deep down,
I guess I've always known

you'd turn out to be a disappointment.

You are human after all.

Actually, old man,
my mom says I'm a Star-Lord.

EGO: Peter!

[PETER SCREAMING]

[EGO SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS] Yes! [LAUGHS]

Peter?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

It's a recipe, Hank.
You're not splitting the atom.

To be honest, splitting the atom
is a lot more intuitive.

This American libation
is surprisingly delicious.

What do you call it?

Uh, light beer?

- [CHUCKLES] How exotic. Another!
- [ALL LAUGHING]

- And this little chicky's name is Goose.
- [CHUCKLES]

I thought maybe you kids
might like to have her.

- Thanks, but I'm more a dog guy.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Peter, you don't say no to a free cat.
- [PETER CHUCKLES]

- Hey, any word on Silent But Deadly?
- He's in the wind.

- That mean we should lock our doors?
- I don't think so.

Something broke through
that day in Missouri.

The Winter Soldier may be out there,

but I'm pretty sure Bucky Barnes
is out there with him.

BILL: Oh, that's funny.
HOWARD: Yeah?

HANK: In Asgard.
BILL: Yeah, exactly.

T'CHAKA: Do you have similar pajamas?

- Or do you go to sleep in your armor?
- THOR: And 53 gods is good.

LAWSON: Okay, bucko.

Many, many thanks to all of you
for this fine victory banquet.

But I am afraid I must bid thee farewell.

Come on. What about dessert?
Hank burnt a pie.

The boy may have
destroyed Ego's corporeal form,

but his planet still lives.

And the universe will not know peace
until I have avenged the ones we've lost.

So, what, Thunder brother? No invite?

Perhaps you forgot, Goldilocks,

we have sort of a team thing
going on here.

Then I suggest you suit up, team.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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