36x09 - Paul Rudd/Paul McCartney

[bunniefuu]

the following is an address

From the president of the united

States.

good evening.

In the next few days, the u.S.

House of representatives and the

Senate will be voting on a vital

Piece of legislation.

It is a tax package worked out

By this white house and

Republican congressional

Leaders.

And it is absolutely essential

That it pass.

Both to extend unemployment

Benefits to those out of work

And to prevent a massive tax

Increase on the american middle

Class.

At a time when the economy can

Least afford it.

Now, I know that many of you are

Unhappy with parts of this

Proposal.

Especially that includes tax

Cuts for those making over

$250,000 a year.

But the simple fact is, this

White house had no choice.

Republican leaders insisted on

Tax cuts for the wealthy, and as

As I said in my press conference

Monday, they had decided to hold

Us hostage.

Literally.

They held us hostage in all for

About three days.

Bound, bagged, blindfolded in a

Dark room somewhere outside

Washington.

It was a terrifying experience.

Hard to put into words.

I don't think I'll ever get over

It, really.

And here's something else.

The stockholm syndrome where

Hostages come to identify and

Agree with their captors, that's

A real phenomenon.

It really is.

I learned that for myself when

On the fourth day I suddenly

Decided that I kind of agreed

With the republican philosophy

Of trickle-down economics.

That's why, to me, the tax cuts

For the wealthy aren't a big

Problem.

They're the best part of the

Bill.

You watch.

I predict the rich will use that

Extra money to go out and create

Jobs.

Millions and millions of jobs.

It's like rush said on his show

The other day.

I never got hired by a poor

Person.

So if house speaker nancy pelosi

Or as I now like to call her,

San francisco nancy, would just

Stop her obstructionist tactics

And let this bill come to a

Vote, we can get our economy

Moving again.

Now, san francisco nancy and her

Democrat pals need to understand

That six weeks ago the american

People went to the polls and

Overwhelmingly rejected their

San francisco values and their

Class warfare politics.

One more thing.

I would be remiss were I to

Appear before you tonight and

Not express my extreme

Disappointment, perhaps outrage

Is a better word, at the unjust

Treatment accorded bristol palin

Recently on "dancing with the

Stars."

The judges' decision was a

Travesty.

And I join the first lady as

Well as her fellow mama

Grizzlies in condemning it.

Well, that's all for tonight.

I will see you next week in

Tampa, florida, when I join

Glenn beck and bill o'reilly as

Part of our bold fresh tour.

Now, in closing, let me reassure

You that however long it takes,

This nation's current troubles

Will pass.

Because you americans never have

And never will give up.

I say you americans because even

Though I always thought I was

Born here -- uh, lately I've

Begun to have my doubts.

Thank you and live from new

York, it's Saturday night!

[ cheers and applause ]

announcer: It's "Saturday

Night live"!

With --

Fred armisen

Abby elliott

Bill hader

Seth meyers

Bobby moynihan

Andy samberg

Jason sudeikis

Kenan thompson

Kr

Kristen wiig

Featuring vanessa bayer

Paul brittain

Taran killam

Nasim pedrad

Jay pharoah

Musical guest paul mccartney.

And your host, paul rudd!

Ladies and gentlemen, paul rudd!

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you so much.

It is so great to be hosting

"Saturday night live" for the

Second time.

The first time I was nervous.

But I must have done something

Right, because this time when I

Walked into the studio, there

Were all these people lined up

Freezing cold chanting

"paul!

Paul!

Paul!"

[ laughter ]

All for me!

Paul rudd!

And those fans, they're intense.

One lady was out there, she was

Crying just because she was like

In my presence.

[ laughter ]

Can you imagine?

Then someone yelled out,

"yesterday."

Which, I guess, is a reference

To the npr interview I gave

Yesterday.

[ laughter ]

I didn't think anybody was

Listening to that.

To be honest, some of those

Fans know a little too much

About me.

Like one guy screamed "her

Majesty," which is my nickname

On movie sets among the crew.

[ laughter ]

I don't know how they found that

Out.

Internet, I guess.

Most of all, they were just

Screaming my name, "paul, paul,

Paul!"

It was incredible.

[ cheers and applause ]

How are you?

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you.

really, I mean, to be here

With you -- oh.

Oh.

They were cheering -- yeah, they

Were cheering for you.

well, I was cheering for you.

I loved "role models."

oh, that's so nice.

Wow.

Thank you so much.

No disrespect.

I'm just glad we cleared up this

Whole paul bit.

yo, yo, yo, feature player

Paul brittain is in the mother

Freaking house!

[ cheers and applause ]

Yeah.

oh.

Sorry.

he seemed nice.

he's new.

Anyway, we've got a great show.

all sorts of pauls are here.

[ cheers and applause ]

stick around, we'll be right

Back!

[ cheers and applause ]

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So show your cat what fine

Dining is all about.

Feline culinary creations.

For the love of your cat.

[ applause ]

I'm kind of nervous to meet

The whole family.

don't worry.

Holidays with my family are

Great.

who is that out there?

just a couple of christmas

Elves.

oh, austin.

Oh, you're here.

I can't believe it.

Look at my man.

He's all grown up.

I don't have my glasses on.

Is that george clooney?

dad.

what a great guy.

I'm so proud of you.

mom, I'd like you to meet my

Girlfriend, amanda.

amanda, we're so glad you

Could spend the holidays with

Us.

welcome.

I remember when I first brought

My first girlfriend home for

Christmas.

She was mighty nervous.

how did it go?

I married her.

oh, that's me.

numb nuts roasting on an open

Fire.

hey, duane.

This is amanda.

you're a step up.

His last steady girl was a

Blow-up doll.

easy, bro.

just kidding.

Feliz navidad.

Mmm.

[ laughter ]

wow.

a very pricey wreath there,

Duane.

I earned some extra dough

Breaking down boxes.

a hard worker.

I learned from you.

[ laughter ]

hey, mom, do you have any

More gum?

oh, no, but here, honey, take

My piece.

[ laughter ]

[ audience ohs ]

[ laughter ]

thanks.

Babe, you want some gum?

I don't like gum.

hey, everybody.

who's that?

not a family christmas

Without our relatives from

Romania.

uncle, get over here.

How you doing?

[ kissing noises ]

and now we kiss like romanian

Vogelcheck.

come here, I missed you.

uncle vlad and my aunt

Traveled all the way from a tiny

Village thousands of miles just

To be with us.

oh, my gosh.

[ doorbell rings ]

I'll get it.

welcome, stranger.

hello.

I'm sorry to bother you, but my

Sleigh -- my car broke down.

May I use your telephone?

of course.

During the holidays, our home is

Open to all.

thank you.

I know what!

Let's do the traditional

Vogelcheck christmas dance!

yeah!

what's the dance?

oh, you'll be able to follow

Along.

♪

♪ a one and a two ♪

[ kissing sounds ]

♪

okay.

Okay.

Um, you know what, austin?

I think my family might be

Missing me.

Maybe I should go.

but, babe, duane's friends

Are coming over.

oh, hold on, hold on.

Stop right there.

I know what's going on.

You saw all this kissing, and

You got uncomfortable.

I'll tell you a little story.

Vlad and elena here have been

Married for 60 years.

They have survived communism, a

World w*r and the justified

Stoning of their daughter,

Lishka.

[ light laughter ]

But every day before vlad goes

Out into the field, he and elena

Hug and kiss.

It means I love you.

And we do.

We're vogelchecks.

and I think I'm going to

Spend the holidays right here

With the vogelczehecks.

everyone's welcome.

Even that guy using the phone.

Where is he?

he's gone!

Look, there's more presents

Under the tree.

ho, ho, ho, merry christmas!

you mean that was --

Santa!

[ laughter ]

[ audience ohs ]

merry christmas to all.

♪

[ applause ]

ho, ho, ho, happy holidays

From the vogelchecks!

and now it's time to play --

all: What's that name?

and here's your host,

Vince white!

[ applause ]

hello.

Hello, hello, hello.

And welcome to "what's that

Name?"

The rules are simple.

We show you a person, you tell

Us their name.

Our contestants today are jake

A cfo at smith and price.

And carolyn, a senior partner at

Chapman real estate.

The first question goes to jake.

He's subway's number one

Spokesman.

What's that name?

jared fogle.

[ ding ]

20 bucks for you.

[ light laughter ]

Carolyn, you're up.

He's the second lead in the film

"saving silverman."

What's that name?

oh, I know this.

Steve zahn.

[ ding ]

$20 for you.

Now it's time to up the ante.

Jake, this next one is for

$10,000.

[ laughter ]

And here to read the clue is the

Man himself.

♪

I've been your doorman for

Four years.

[ laughter ]

I open the door for you every

Day.

I've always got a joke and a

Smile.

What's my name?

hey, man.

[ laughter ]

How's it hanging?

low and lazy.

What's my name?

I know your whole family.

Your son ozzie loves outer

Space.

What's my name?

[ laughter ]

carl?

[ buzzer ]

audience, what's that name?

all: Norman!

norman the doorman.

oh, I'm so sorry.

Say hi to the wife for me.

I'm sorry, what's that?

Say hi to my wife?

yeah, okay, I'll take the bus

Out to forest hills cemetery and

Tell her that you say hello.

♪

my god, what the hell kind of

Show is this?

it's "what's that name?"

[ laughter ]

Carolyn, you're up.

And we've got another walk-on

Clue.

♪

for ten years I clean your

Office every day.

What's my name?

oh, it's you.

Do you have any fun plans for

The holidays?

yes.

Cleaning your office!

What's my name?

[ laughter ]

you don't seem to know her

Name.

I think it's something like

Eeyore?

that is cartoon donkey.

[ laughter ]

eedore.

[ buzzer ]

what's that name?

all: Mary!

[ laughter ]

but steve zahn you know.

♪

I just wish those people wore

Name tags.

"those people"?

I just want to say, I think

What you're doing here is pretty

Lousy.

well, I think you're lousy.

[ laughter ]

do you know your cameraman's

Name?

middle one's charlie.

what about the other two?

I'm not a contestant.

[ laughter ]

what are their names?

if I told you, if I were a

Contestant, but I'm not.

You are.

And here's your next clue.

♪

who the hell are they?

eight of your summer interns.

They worked for you for free for

Four months.

If you can tell me any of their

Names, I'll give you $1 million.

[ laughter ]

I, uh -- oh, geez.

I don't --

I don't know.

I'm just going to say a name.

Josh.

[ ding ]

there are three joshes.

[ laughter ]

That means you win $3 million.

oh, wow!

plus you've got the

Opportunity to go double or

Nothing in our bonus round.

What do you say?

well, I guess I'm on a hot

Streak.

Let's go

Double or nothing.

fantastic.

Here to read the bonus clue is

The man himself.

[ laughter ]

what's my name?

oh, god, no.

I wasn't paying attention

Before.

[ laughter ]

Josh?

[ buzzer ]

what's that name?

all: Norman!

norman the doorman.

Rhymes, even.

yeah.

Right.

So easy.

well, jake, that puts you

Back to zero.

That's our show.

But stay tuned for a new game

Show called "what's in your

Internet history?"

Yikes!

[ laughter ]

[ cheers and applause ]

♪

♪ stumble out of bed

And I stumbled in the kitchen

Stumbled in the bathroom

Stumbled in the living room ♪

♪ stumbled out the door

And past my car ♪

♪ stumbling ♪

♪ stumbled into work

And I stumbled through

The office ♪

♪ stumbled in the gym

And I stumbled

Through my workout ♪

♪ stumbled down the street

And to a bar

Stumbling ♪

♪ stumble through the bar

Past mario batali

Stumble through a swirl

Record sing song ♪

♪ stumbled right in step

With my good old friends

It seems this stumble's

Never gonna end ♪

♪ stumble past a guy

Putting on his first lipstick

Stumble past a girl with a

Fist full of bisquick ♪

♪ stumble past three gents

[ laughter ]

Stumble past the elevator

Stumble past the elevator ♪

♪ stumble past the elevator

Stumble past the elevator

Stumble down a nasty

Flight of stairs ♪

♪ walking in slow motion

Walking in slow motion

Walking in slow motion

Walking in slow motion ♪

tiny harmonica solo.

♪

♪ stumble

Through a --

With a hobo acting regal ♪

♪ past a bunch of mimes

And a painter with an easel

And a one man band ♪

♪ playing checkers

With a teacher

That concludes our

Stumbling adventure here ♪

♪ stumbling ♪

[ cheers and applause ]

hello, I'm diane foster,

Vice president of customer

Relations at mastercard.

This week, supporters of the

Wikileaks organization att*cked

Our website.

Assure our customers

That we are doing --

hello again.

It's me, julian assange.

I've taken over your airwaves

From inside a british prison.

How did I get a camera into a

British prison?

Maybe you weren't listening.

I'm julian assange.

This Monday I was arrested,

Proving that for those who

Terrorize the United States,

There is nowhere to hide.

America will find you and they

Will punish you.

Unless, of course, your name is

O*ama b*n L*den.

I was not arrested for terrorism

But rather to be questioned on

Two r*pe charges.

It's long been interpol's job to

Hunt down those accused of

Sexual misdeeds.

Who can forget ben

Roethlisberger, double standard,

Anyone?

Yeah.

Now on to business.

If I'm not released immediately,

Supporters of the wikileaks are

Prepared to att*ck the following

Websites.

Amazon.

If I am falsely imprisoned one

More day, anyone purchasing mark

Twa

Twain's new autobiography, must

Instead send the book "everyone

Poops."

Awkward.

Orbitz.

Two more days, any holiday

Flight will have a connection at

The cleveland international

Airport.

Also, all special requests will

Be locked at middle seat kosher

Meal.

[ laughter ]

Day three.

Facebook.

You know that one profile

Picture that makes you look

Thin?

It's gone.

On the fourth day, we will move

On to the facebook game

Farmville and leave it alone.

The people you barely remember

From high school will continue

To bother you with requests to

Water their stupid crops.

Hooray.

Day five.

Netflix.

Have you seen the fourth season

Of "hanging with mr. Cooper"?

You're about to.

[ laughter ]

First on your queue.

Angry birds.

If I'm held for six days, the

Birds in angry birds will no

Longer be angry.

What are you playing?

Good-natured birds.

How is it?

It stinks.

And if I'm incarcerated for one

Whole week, we start messing

With p*rn sites, the free ones.

Ooh, got your attention now, do

I?

There you have it.

Hope to see you on the outside.

In conclusion, I want to remind

You that no matter how I die,

Even if there's a su1c1de note,

It was m*rder.

It was m*rder.
Cheers.

you're watching

"sexually speaking."

With dr. Linda marie choice.

Dr. Linda has been married seven

Times and specializes in sexual

And reproductive health.

And now, with her personal

Approach to sexual issues,

Please welcome dr. Linda marie

Choice.

dr. Linda's sick.

I'm her producer, roger brush.

Dr. Linda's daughter called and

Said she's got a stomach thing.

I don't want to get too graphic,

But she's got clear water coming

Out of her butt.

[ laughter ]

I said please don't come in.

I'll just take it from here.

Let's go to the audience.

this is pamela shimpley.

She has a question about her and

Her husband's love-making.

hi, I have an issue with my

Husband.

I love him so much, but he's,

Well, small.

you know, I can't hear you,

Honey.

Be loud.

he has a small penis.

say it again.

he has a small penis.

small v-necks?

[ laughter ]

Can anybody hear?

You know, you've got to eat that

Microphone.

his penis, it's thin like a

Chicken bone.

oh.

I see what you're saying.

How about this.

You know, when he does it, just

Say, "ooh, ooh, baby, that's the

Best I ever had."

no, that's not the problem.

you know, I don't know what

To tell you, sweetheart.

I'm up here sweating,

Trying to help you out, and

You're bad-mouthing your husband

Behind his back.

no, I'm not.

He's right there.

[ laughter ]

you're the one with the

Skinny ding-a-ling?

I don't know what to tell you.

You know,

Soak it in saltwater and see if

It pumps up.

I'm not the expert.

All right, who's next?

this is tyler bands.

He has a really interesting

Question.

my partner and I have been

Together for four years.

How do we keep our sex life

Exciting?

have you tried tickling her?

it's a he.

it's a what?

it's a he.

what?

You know, I can't hear you.

It sounds like you said "it's a

He."

I did.

Your girlfriend is a he?

I have a boyfriend.

well, how did that happen?

what should we do?

I don't know.

You know, just look at your

Boyfriend and say, you and I

Both know this is weird.

And, you know, close your eyes

And do it and get it over with

And hope for the best.

what?

Where's dr. Linda?

She really helps people.

She tells them to touch each

Other's faces and be honest with

One another.

Stuff like that.

dr. Linda is sick today.

you want dr. Linda up here

Peeing out of her ass?

I don't.

Let's get to the next person.

Who do we got?

this is jenna lynn austin.

She has a great question and she

Needs your help.

yeah, my boyfriend seems more

Concerned with his own needs in

Bed than mine.

and?

[ laughter ]

What are you looking at?

I said "and?"

I don't see the problem.

Who's next?

this is stacy England.

hi.

I want to have sex with my

Boyfriend, but he wants to wait.

why does he want to wait?

Lose some weight or something?

Make him a meal and say I'm

Sorry about my thighs, but this

Is as good as it gets.

what?

I'm not overweight.

Dr. Linda would never say that.

I know.

I know.

why are you taking her side?

I'm trying to help you out and

You're being a real diva.

Listen, I've got problems of my

Own.

My sister just asked me if she

Could borrow $15,000.

I don't know that I have it.

I mean, I have it, but I want

It.

Okay.

So who's next?

no one wants to go.

all right.

Good.

When we come back, nurse keller

Shows us how to find the "g"

Spot.

Oh, great.

♪

[ cheers and applause ]

ladies and gentlemen, paul

Mccartney.

[ cheers and applause ]

♪

♪

♪ jet

Jet

Jet

I can almost remember ♪

♪ their funny faces

That time you told them

That you were going to

Be marrying soon ♪

♪ and jet, I thought the

Only lonely face

Was on the moon jet ♪

♪ jet

Jet

Was your father as old

As the sergeant major ♪

♪ well how come he told

You that you're hardly

Old enough yet

And jet, I thought ♪

♪ the major was

A lady suffragette jet

Jet ♪

♪ ah mater, want jet

To always love me

Ah mater, want jet

To always love me ♪

♪ ah mater

Much later ♪

♪

♪ jet ♪

♪

♪ and jet, I thought the

Major was a

Lady suffragette

Jet ♪

♪ jet

Ah mater, want jet

To always love me

Ah mater, want jet ♪

♪ to always love me

Ah mater

Much later ♪

♪

♪ jet

With the wind in your hair

Of a thousand laces

Climb on the back and ♪

♪ we'll go for a ride

In the sky

And jet, I thought that

The major was a ♪

♪ lady suffragette

Jet

Jet

And jet, you know I ♪

♪ thought you was a

Lady suffragette

Jet

And a lady ♪

♪ oh, yeah

Yeah, yeah ♪

Yeah, yeah ♪

♪

[ cheers and applause ]

"weekend update" with

Seth meyers.

good evening, I'm seth meyers

And here are tonight's top

Stories.

Many democrats were upset this

Week with president obama,

Saying that he failed to

Negotiate with the republicans

On extending the bush-era tax

Cuts.

And that he

Caved in on raising taxes on the

Rich.

Man, if other democrats think

You caved, you really caved.

That's like the chess club

President calling you a nerd.

when democrats this week

Rejected obama's compromise

Plan, the white house took a

Page from the music industry, if

You're not selling like you used

To, break out the greatest hits.

wikileaks' founder julian

Assange was arrested on Monday,

And now all americans can sleep

Easy knowing they have nothing

More to fear from the bad man

Who wanted them to read.

in an interview this week

With barbara walters, oprah

Winfrey denies she is a lesbian

Saying, I'm not even kind of a

Lesbian.

Said walters, "I haven't even

Asked you a question yet."

new jersey's first bear hunt

In five years started Monday.

So be on your guard, mob wives.

it was reported that a

Number of professional athletes

Are now seeking to copyright

Their personal slogans including

The new york jets' durrell

Revis' revis island, strahan's

Stomp you out, I love me some,

And brett favre's say hello to

My little friend.

a man in kentucky has been

Sentenced to 33 months in prison

For threatening president obama

In a poem called "the sn*per."

And I would guess that poetry is

The absolute worst answer you

Can give to the question, "what

Are you in for?"

a car carrying prince

Charles and his wife, camilla,

Was att*cked Thursday in london

By angry student protesters who

Were upset over a hike in

University tuition fees.

Anarles and

Camilla were saying, it's time

For a "weekend update audio

Caption."

And here to help me perform it,

Paul mccartney.

Welcome to "weekend update,"

Paul.

Are you ready?

I am.

okay, so I will be the voice

Of prince charles.

You will be camilla.

great.

okay.

And can you do an english

Accent?

I can try.

okay.

and action!

oh, no!

oh, goodness me!

oh, ne'er do wells!

ruffians!

oh, camilla!

oh, charles, do something!

oh!

No matter what happens, I love

You camilla!

and I love you!

oh, I love you!

I love you!

I love you!

I love you!

I love you!

and scene.

[ cheers and applause ]

So how do you think that went?

probably the best thing I've

Ever worked on.

paul mccartney, everyone!

it was announced that after

70 years, the syndicated

Newspaper comic strip "brenda

Star" will end.

Now they'll have room for the

Edgy new strip "ziggy nights."

a new report suggests that

Men who grew up in the country

Have larger penises than men who

Grow up in the city.

I don't know if that's true, but

I reckon it could be.

a&e this week canceled david

Hasselhoff's new series after

Just two episodes.

It's hard to say how he'll take

The news, but I'm going to

Guess, lying down?

it's christmastime in new

York, which means millions will

Be heading to the city to

Celebrate.

Here with tips on what new york

Can offer is our correspondent,

Stefan.

stefan, how have you been?

the same.

lots of people are heading

Here for a great new york

Christmas.

Do you have any tips on what

They can see and do?

yes.

If you're here from ohio or

Whatever, look no further.

New york's hottest club is

Ounce.

Located in the middle of the

East river.

This place has everything.

Cholos, puke people, a sheepdog

That looks like bruce valanche.

An entire room of puppets doing

Karate.

I'm sorry, why are puppets

Doing karate?

because it's that thing when

Someone calls miss piggy fat and

She goes, hi-yah!

stefan, when I said, you

Know, fun things for the

Holidays, I meant things that

Were a little more normal.

mm-hmm.

can you think of anything

That might be a little more sort

Of like classic new york

Holiday?

yes, yes, yes.

If you want your christmas in

New york to be classic, look no

Further.

New york's hottest club is

Oonce.

This lower, lower east side is

The creation of club owner

Tranderson cooper.

And it finally answers the

Question, "do I have to?"

Lll this place has everything.

Schizos, kite enthusiasts,

And that's not all.

Look who just came in.

It's blingo.

sorry, blingo?

black ringo.

oh.

I don't know how to say this,

But I was brought up to respect

People from all walks of life.

And I am glad that you have a

World you feel comfortable in.

dungeon culture, yes.

but look, buddy.

You know, I'm kind of an

Old-fashioned guy, born and

Raised in new hampshire.

seth meyers.

I just wanted to help folks,

You know.

I wand th

I want them to find some got,

Old-fashioned

Christmas cheer.

Now, can you help us with that?

yes.

okay, good.

if you're old or into

Fashion, I've got a place for

You.

New york's hottest holiday club

Is blitzen.

And right now they're having

Their 12 days of christmas dance

Party.

oh, 12 days of christmas.

That sounds nice.

because it has everything.

♪ 12 jacked albinos,

10 pierce-eared babies

9 asian balkis ♪

♪ 8 gay aladdins

7 psychos swearting

6 puerto rican screeches ♪

of course.

We all knew that.

♪ 5 homeless elmos ♪

4 coke coked-up frogs

3 french hens

Taylor negron

And a human parking cone ♪

soliai it on me, my man.

What's your question?

the question was what's a

Human parking cone?

yes, it's that thing of when

When two jacked midgets paint

Themselves orange and you have

To parallel park between them.

[ laughter and applause ]

oh, that thing.

It's that thing.

That's the thing it is.

Stefan, don't you ever just want

To have a normal christmas?

well, I would but no one ever

Invited stefon to normal

Christmas!

aw.

well, stefon, would you

Like to come to new hampshire

With me?

he asked me!

stefon, everybody.

im on top!

for "weekend update," I'm

Seth meyers.

a new york city marketing

Group is trying to rebrand the

Area of manhattan below canal

Street as can-do which would be

An improvement from its current

Nickname, fish stink m*rder

Town.

a woman in England called

Police this week to report that

Her snowman had been stolen from

Her front yard.

Oh, sure, the police are happy

To get involved when a white

Person goes missing.

a 2-year-old girl in

Pennsylvania had to be rescued

By firefighters after she

Crawled inside a toy crane

Vending machine in a mall and

Became stuck.

They were able to get her out

Safely, but it took, like, $9 in

Quarters.

for "weekend update," I'm

Seth meyers.

Good night!

thank you.

And welcome, everyone, to our

First booker t. High school end

Of the year holiday jam.

I think as rudolph says, this is

Going to be off the hook.

So, uh, that's -- I'm

Mr. Griggs, the math teacher and

Holiday jam coordinator.

We've got lots of fun activities

For you here in the gym like pop

A sh*t, dodge ball and a holiday

Dance party in our library

Annex.

I don't think many of you

Celebrate hanukkah, but if you

Do, we've got the rapping rabbi

Dr. Dreidel stopping by.

And if you celebrate kwanzaa,

I've read several books on that.

And I still don't know what it

Is.

Oh, it looks like we have a

Quick message from our

Principal, daniel frey.

[ heavy breathing ]

attention, teachers and

Students.

We have a problem

In our cafeteria.

You know, running around in the

Lunchroom.

Apparently made a big mess

From b hall to d hall.

Please, pick up your babies.

This is a high school, not a day

Care center.

Thank you teachers and students

For your time

For that very important

Announcement.

[ laughter and applause ]

okay.

I just want to remind everyone

That we still have a few holiday

Cookies left.

Unfortunately, someone set the

Cafeteria holiday display on

Fire, and we had to put it out

With a ho, ho, hose.

That's a little joke.

But seriously, our cafeteria was

On fire.

Oh, here's principal frey.

[ heavy breathing ]

attention, teachers and

Students.

I have another important

Announcement to make.

It has come to my attention

That the costumes that were

Rented for last night's holiday

Show are infected with scabies.

If you are an elf and you are

Itchy, please report to the

Nurse.

Several elves have been taken

To the hospital.

Let us have a moment of silence

For the flesh of the infected.

[ light laughter ]

okay.

A moment of silence, everyone.

[ heavy breathing ]

lord jesus.

[ heavy breathing ]

I don't know, baby.

I don't know.

Thank you very much for holding

For that important announcement.

Continue playing.

okay.

We've had some setbacks here,

But I know we can do this.

And I'm here to just give you a

Boost of self-esteem.

Or in this case, elf-esteem.

Oh, here's our gym teacher

Mr. King.

hey.

Hey!

Shut up!

Shut the hell up!

This white man has been working

For months to put this thing

Together.

And this is what you do?

don't worry.

no, no!

This white man put this silly

Little carnival together for

You.

You should give him some

Respect.

Now shut the hell up and have

Some fun.

[ laughter and applause ]

thank you.

Thank you, mr. King.

I appreciate that.

Oh, here's principal frey.

attention, all teachers and

Students.

We've had an unfortunate

Incident to our mascot the

Booker t. Trojan horse.

Apparently one of you jive tom

Turkeys thought it'd

Be funny to feed it a bucket of

Dr. Pepper in several viagra

Tablets.

The horse is currently in the

Parking lot trying to fornicate

With a nissan centra.

And ms. Williams is trapped

Inside.

We have called in a special

Veterinarian.

Who is familiar with horse

Erections?

Let us please have a moment of

Silence for ms. Williams for a

Safe tactical escape.

[ heavy breathing ]

Oh, my lord jesus.

[ heavy breathing ]

She's gonna get r*ped by a

Horse.

I've seen a lot of people down

Like that.

Oh, jesus.

Oh, lord bless the horny pony.

Thank you.

Thank you for holding for that

Important moment of silence.

And bless the horny pony once

Again.

She's going to be k*lled.

He's going to break the

Windshield with his thing.

I know he is.

Oh, lord jesus.

[ cheers and applause ]

this holiday season at

Madison square garden, there's

Only one show, one skater that

Families everywhere are flocking

To see.

[ cheers ]

Meryl streep on ice.

stop it!

she mastered the stage, the

Screen, and now meryl streep

Takes to the rink.

like it's anything.

I'm just having fun.

I skated twice in my life!

it was unbelievable.

better than "sophie's

Choice."

all of a sudden she was out

There.

I didn't even know she could

Skate.

I don't know why I'm getting

Emotional.

[ chanting ]

meryl!

Meryl!

Meryl!

Meryl!

sorry.

umm -- the bitch can skate.

[ laughter ]

it's meryl streep like you've

Never seen her before.

I just get on the ice and go!

"meryl streep on ice."

Choreography by nancy meyers.

all: We love meryl!

[ applause ]

once again, paul mccartney.

[ cheers and applause ]

♪

♪

♪ stuck inside these

Four walls

Sent inside forever

Never seeing no one ♪

♪ nice again like you

Mama you

Mama you ♪

♪

♪

♪ if I ever get

Out of here

Thought of giving

It all away ♪

♪ to a registered charity

All I need is a pint a day

If I ever get out of here

If we ever get out of here ♪

♪

♪ well, the rain exploded

With a mighty crash

As we fell into the sun

And the first one said ♪

♪ to the second one there

I hope you're having fun

Band on the run

Band on the run ♪

♪ and the jailer man

And sailor sam

Were searching everyone

For the band on the run ♪

♪ for the band on the run

Band on the run

Band on the run

Well, the undertaker ♪

♪ drew a heavy sigh

Seeing no one else had come

And a bell was ringing

In the village square ♪

♪ for the rabbits on the run

Band on the run

Band on the run

And the jailer man ♪

♪ and sailor sam

Were searching everyone

For the band on the run

Band on the run ♪

♪

♪ band on the run

Band on the run

Band on the run, yeah

The band on the run ♪

♪ well, the night was

Falling as the desert world

Began to settle down

In the town they're ♪

♪ searching for

You everywhere

But we never will be found

Oh, no ♪

♪ band on the run

Band on the run

And the county judge

Who held a grudge ♪

♪ will search for evermore

For the band on the run

For the band on the run

Band on the run ♪

♪ band on the run ♪

[ cheers and applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

Hey, mike underball.

I'm the director.

really nice to meet you, mr.

Underball.

mr. Underball was my dad.

Call me mike.

So glad you're doing this

Benefit show.

Broadway cares is an amazing

Cause.

I'm happy to help.

you know how it works.

Everyone's performing their

Favorite songs from a broadway

Musical.

You're doing "willkommen"?

the emcee.

I do have one question.

Is it possible for me to do it

In the spotlight?

jeff, we're going to need a

Spotlight on this one.

Is that okay?

you really want my opinion?

let's just do it, buddy.

Okay.

Here we go.

Music!

♪ willkommen ♪

♪ bienvenu ♪

♪ stranger ♪

can we stop for a second?

jeff, you've got to follow

Him.

sorry about that.

My mind must be elsewhere.

I saw "tangled" again this week.

I'm still thinking through it.

Seems like an animated

Inception.

no problem, jeff.

You're the best.

when I move from my first

Position, just follow me.

Otherwise people won't be able

To see me.

oh, is that how light works?

yes.

no, mike, this is great.

I love this.

This is great.

Thomas edison is telling us how

Light works.

just follow him with the

Spot.

you're the boss.

I didn't upset him, did I?

he's fine.

From the top.

♪ willkommen ♪

♪ bienvenue

Welcome

Fremde

Etranger ♪

♪ stranger ♪

[ muttering ]

I'm sorry, stop.

Could we stop, stop, please,

Please.

what's going on, paul?

he's moving the spot all

Around.

It's ridiculous.

hey mike, you know what's

Ridiculous?

Paul rudd playing the emcee from

"cabaret."

yeah!

I'm serious.

I thought emcee

Stood for master of ceremony,

Not mediocre caca.

caca is with a "k," jeff.

no, no.

Caca is spelled with an "r."

R-u-d-d.

that's funny.

That's your last name.

I know.

you're going to run into joel

Gray at the gym and he's going

To hop up on a box and punch you

In the nuts.

yes!

If you're going to go there,

Please keep it out of the

Gutter.

if you're going to go there?

be the change you want to see

In the world.

think gandhi.

you got it, buddy.

I'll humor him.

Nice catch.

You're right, I slipped.

all right.

Here, you know what?

I'm going to make it easy.

I'm not going to move.

I'm going to stay put.

yeah, you should have stayed

At home.

[ laughter ]

music.

♪

♪ willkommen

Bienvenue

Welcome

Fremde ♪

♪ etranger stranger ♪

Oh, come on.

Look at this.

jeff, what are we thinking

Here?

you know,

I thought I'd draw attention to

The guy's crotch because he's

Singing like such a big p*ssy.

yeah.

I'm out of here.

now what are we going to do?

I'll show you what we're

Going to do.

Hit me with that spotlight!

♪

♪ willkommen

Bienvenue

Welcome

Fremde ♪

once again, paul mccartney.

[ cheers and applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

♪

[ cheers and applause ]

♪ I read the news today

Oh, boy

About a lucky man

Who made the grade ♪

♪ and though the news

Was rather sad

Well I just had to laugh

I saw the photograph ♪

♪ he blew his mind out

In a car

He didn't notice that

The lights had changed ♪

♪ a crowd of people

Stood and stared

They'd seen his face before

Nobody was really sure ♪

♪ if he was from

The house of lords

I saw a film today

Oh, boy ♪

♪ the english army

Had just won the w*r

A crowd of people turned away

But I just had to look ♪

♪ having read the book

I'd love to turn you

On ♪

♪

♪

♪ woke up, fell out of bed

Dragged a comb across my head

Found my way downstairs

And drank a cup ♪

♪ and looking up

I noticed I was late

Found my coat

And grabbed my hat ♪

♪ made the bus in seconds flat

Found my way upstairs

And had a smoke

And somebody spoke ♪

♪ and I went into a dream ♪

♪

♪

♪ all we are saying

Is give peace a chance

All we are saying

Is give peace a chance ♪

♪ everybody's talking

About it ♪

♪ all we are saying

Is give peace a chance

All we are saying

Is give peace a chance ♪

♪ all we are saying

Is give peace a chance

♪ everybody sing it ♪

All we are saying

Is give peace a chance ♪

♪give peace a chance

♪ all over the world ♪

♪ all we are saying

Is give peace a chance

All we are saying

Is give peace a chance ♪

♪ give peace give peace

♪ all we are saying

Is give peace a chance ♪

[ cheers and applause ]

well, this won't be topped.

Thank you so much.

Thank you very much to the cast,

The crew and paul mccartney.

[ cheers and applause ]

one more?

One more?

[ cheers and applause ]

♪

♪

♪ get back ♪

♪ get back ♪

♪ get back to where you once

Belonged ♪

♪ get back ♪

♪ get back ♪

♪ get back to where you once

Belonged ♪

♪ get back ♪

♪ get back ♪

♪ get back ♪

♪ get back to where you once

Belonged ♪

♪ get back ♪

♪ get back ♪

♪ get back to where you once

Belonged ♪

Belonged ♪
♪ oh get back ♪

♪ get back ♪