06x22 - Duck Soup

[bunniefuu]

* Sometimes the world
looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need some
kind of change

* No matter what
the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

* This flame in my heart
like a long-lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dreams

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dreams

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

[THEME MUSIC]

Cousin, I'm home!

LARRY:
Push your fingers together.

Thank you, cousin.

I have never been so proud.

You've enlisted.

Balki, I haven't enlisted.

Balki, this is hunting gear.

Tomorrow, I am going
hunting with Wainwright.

Hunting? Cousin,
I didn't know you were a hunter.

I'm not. I've never been
hunting before in my life.

But how hard could it be?

You point the g*n, you pull
the trigger, you hit something.

Now, wait a minute.

the hunting of innocent animals.

Balki, it's a sport.

It's only a sport
if the animals have g*ns, too.

But you're big enough to make
your own bad decisions.

Just for the record

what poor, wide-eyed,
innocent creature

who never meant you
any harm in the world

and whose very existence
supports the delicate balance

of nature will you
be mindlessly slaughtering?

Ducks.

Ducks?

Yes...ducks.

Filthy, disgusting

Well...ducks.

I hate ducks.

Ducks have terrorized
generations of Mypiots.

Cousin, they ruin our crops

foul our wells,
and date our chickens.

We tried, cousin, we tried to
live peacefully with the ducks.

We, we talked to them,
we negotiated with them.

We threatened, we even set out
a tangy orange sauce

to let them know
we meant business.

But nothing worked.

In the end we had no choice

but to do battle
with the ducks.

Oh, cousin,
let me go with you. Let me...

Let me hunt, let me hunt
these dreadful creatures

and eradicate them
from the face of the earth!

Filthy, disgusting,
immoral ducks!

[GROANS]

Oh!

[GROANING]

Balki!

Snap out of it!

I'm fine.

Cousin, you've got to
take me with you.

You must let me hunt the ducks!
Cousin, I've got to...

I am not letting you get
anywhere near those ducks.

Oh, no.

Filthy, disgusting,
immoral ducks!

[GROANING]

[SOBBING]

Balki!

Snap out of it!

I'm fine.

Alright.

Balki...

What is wrong with you?

Cousin, there's something
about me that...

That I've never told you.

I don't wanna know.

Well, you've gotta know.

When I was a little boy, I
found this little baby turtle.

He had, he had hurt
his little leg

and his mama leave him behind.

So I took him home,
and I nurse him back to health.

I named him Bippi.

Oh, Bippi.

One day, Bippi and I were laying
out in a field getting some sun

and all of a sudden,
out of nowhere

a duck swoop out of the sky
and grab Bippi and fly away.

And I run after them,
stumbling and calling...

"Bippi! Bippi! Bippi!"

And Bippi looked down
longingly at me and cried out...

Cousin...

Let me go with you
and hunt the enemy duck.

Let me do it for Bippi!

Balki...

I'm sorry about...

Bippi.

[SOBBING]

But I can't let you go.

They have shotguns on Mypos?

Well, of course we do!
Don't be ridiculous!

But to hunt the dreaded duck

we needed a more accurate
w*apon...

A more deadly w*apon.

So we developed
the ultimate w*apon.

The ducks have been
known to migrate.

Cousin, wait 'til you see this.
You're going to want one.

Balki, I don't want to see
the ultimate w*apon.

This trip is
very important to me.

You can't come.

Here it is.

The deadly, bonk-a-duck!

[ULULATING]

Pretty impressive, huh?

Balki, that is just
a sling with a rock.

You can't hit anything
with that.

[SCOFFS]

That's what that duck said.

Now...

You see that soda can
sitting on that bus bench

about 50 yards away?

Yes, I see it.

that can with a rock
in this silly sling?

No, Mr. Ye-of-Little-Face.

I expect you to believe that
I'm going to hit that soda can

make it spin in the air,
bounce off that tree

and land in the trash can.

without your arms again?

Stand over there.

[ULULATING]

[CAN CLANKING]

Oh, my lord! You hit it!

And?
It's spinning in the air!

And?
Bouncing off the tree!

Into?
A trash can.

Need I say less?

Balki, you are coming
with me on this trip.

After this weekend, I'll be
Wainwright's favorite employee.

I'll get a raise!
I'll get a promotion!

And I'll get a handsome
duck head for the mantel.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Balki! Over here!

[IMITATES g*nsh*t]

[SIGHS]
I love the smell of stagnant
swamp water in the morning.

Reminds me of Mypos.

Yo, ducks!
I'm your worst nightmare!

Balki...

Is this good duck weather?

Oh, this is great duck weather.

The sky was just like
this the last time

the ducks invaded Mypos.

There were hundreds of them.

They came in low,
from the north.

They got in right under Radaros.

You mean Radar?
No, I mean Radaros.

He's a little guy
with baggy pants

who sits in a tree...

And looks up into
the sky for ducks.

On the weekends, he's a
wind sock at the airport.

Reconnaissance ducks!

[ULULATING]

No ducks! No ducks! No ducks.

Would you hold it
down over here?

Mister... Yes, sir.
Uh, sorry, uh...

Uh, Balki stepped on a...fish.

The pride of "The Chronicle"
is in our hands.

You have nothing
to worry about, sir.

Mr. Wainwright, if you can

try to take a few of the ducks
alive, we can interrogate them.

It's just a little
duck humor, sir.

Remember, k*ll as many
ducks as you can.

We're here to have fun.

Balki, what if
no ducks fly over?

Don't worry, cousin.

I have this.

[DUCK CALL]

I speak fluent Duck.

I know how to lure them, cousin.

It's an old,
but effective trick.

I'll do the duck mating call.

[DUCK CALL]

Now remember, cousin...

They'll be in a mating mood.

So whatever you do,
don't make eye contact.

Balki.
What?

It worked. I see ducks.

Where?
Off in the distance.

I hope I see the one
who got Bippi!

[ULULATING]

Wait a minute! No, cousin!

[g*nsh*t]

Well, what did you
do that for?

Well, I cannot let you
k*ll them ducks!

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

What are you doing?
What is the matter with you?

Cousin, we cannot
k*ll them ducks.

What do you mean,
we cannot k*ll them ducks?

You hate ducks.

Them ducks aren't
Myposian k*ller ducks.

Ducks is ducks.

You idiot.

I... Mr. Wainwright, it was
my fault, I told him not to...

[GRUNTS]

He was covering for me, sir.

It won't happen again, sir.

And then you'll be unhappy.

Did I tell you how dashing you
look in your hunting gear, sir?

Balki, we have
to k*ll those ducks.

Now, those ducks
are the same kind of ducks

Poor, helpless, defenseless,
little Bippi...

Whose life became
an empty shell.

Nice imagery, cousin,
but I'm not buying it.

Them ducks is just
little fluffy ducks.

Little fluffy ducks cannot
pick up a 300-pound

sea turtle and fly away.

Bippi was a 300-pound turtle?

When I watched his diet, yeah.

And a duck carried him away?

What do these ducks look like?

Oh, cousin, they are terrifying.

They have a six foot wingspan.

And their skin is this

leathery armor-like material.

They have razor-sharp claws

And the backs of their
heads come to a point...

Although they do have
a rather disarming smile.

Balki, you just described
a pterodactyl.

No, pteroductyl.

You say pterodactyl,
we say pteroductyl.

You say to-may-to,
we say to-mah-to.

My point is, let's call
the whole thing off.

[MUMBLES]

No, Balki, Balki, Balki, Balki.

Believe me, if these
were little fluffy ducks

I'd be the first one to say
we can't k*ll them.

But those ducks
were pteroductyls.

They were just too far away
for you to recognize them.

So call 'em back,
call 'em back

and knock as many of them
as you can out of the sky

and you'll see them
for the k*ller ducks

that they really are.

Boy, do we hate ducks!

disgusting, immoral ducks!

[GROANING]

You know, you're three floats
short of a parade?

Alright, alright, Balki.

Maybe these aren't
k*ller ducks.

But I have the opportunity
of a lifetime here.

We are talking about my future.

On the way here,
Mr. Wainwright called me Barry.

Do you realize how close that
is to my real first name?

my career will take off!
Please, please, please!

Please, come on,
please, Balki, please.

Balki, Balki, Balki...

[DUCK CALL]

You're calling the ducks!
Thank you! Thank you!

I'm not calling the ducks.

I'm calling to them to tell them

Now, we're going to just
sit down right here

until Mr. Wainwright,
publisher and duck m*rder*r

decides it's time to go home.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

Balki, nobody has sh*t
a duck all day.

If I can get just one duck,
"The Chronicle" will win

and Wainwright will love us.
Call a duck.

No. No.
Just one duck.

One duck that none
of the other ducks like!

Forget it, cousin.

Ooh, oh, boy!

Hey, this little bugger's
really putting up a fight.

But he's no match for me.

Yeah, yeah, I think
this baby's a keeper.

Cousin, you know this-this...
Ah!

This marsh is teeming
with Myposian delicacies.

Look, I've got snails,
slugs and grubs.

When we get home I'm gonna make
a nice three-larvae salad.

Little raspberry
vinaigrette dressing.

[DUCKS QUACKING]

Ducks!

Who needs you? [CHUCKLES]

If I get lucky here,
my whole life changes forever.

[DUCK CALL]

You did that?
That's right, I did.

[DUCK CALL]

[GRUNTING]

[DUCK CALL]

[LARRY GROANS]

[DUCK CALL]

[GROANING]

[DUCK CALL]

[GRUNTING]

Ha ha ha!

Now the duck call is under water
and you'll never get it!

Balki, the duck call is made
out of wood, it floats...

Here it is.

[DUCK CALL]

There! I've called them. Ha!

[LAUGHS]

What are you laughing at?

You just told the ducks

to migrate to Disney World.

[DUCK CALL]

[CHUCKLES]

You just told the ducks
never to come back

because this marsh
is going condo.

[DUCK CALL]

[CHUCKLES]
You lost them, cousin.

Now you're speaking in goose.

[DUCK CALL]

A-ha!
Oh, no, no!

No! No! No!

Ha! There they come!

[DUCKS QUACKING]

Cousin, no! No, I cannot
let you do this!

You can't stop me!

[LAUGHS]

Balki! Stop it!

This is dangerous!
Someone could get hurt!

Now, leave me alone!
I know what I'm doing!

[g*nsh*t]

[MAN SCREAMING]

Oh, my lord!

MR. WAINRIGHT:
Appleton, you idiot!

I just sh*t my boss in the butt.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

So, you had the opportunity
of a lifetime

and you sh*t your boss.

Good career move, Appleton.

I would've been
at "The Chronicle"

three years next month.

I'm really gonna miss you.

You can have it.
Alright, thanks.

I'm gonna turn around now,
Appleton. Don't sh**t.

[LAUGHS]

Appleton, I've reconsidered.

You're not fired.

I knew you'd realize that
I was a valuable employee

and that I make a valuable
contribution to "The Chronicle"

and-and I knew you'd find it in
your heart to forgive me, sir.

I'm not f*ring you
because the union won't let me.

That's good enough for me, sir.

Wainwright was just here,
and he left

and he said
he's not gonna fire me.

Well, that was quick.

What did you leave on his desk?

A nice dish of three
larvae salad

with a note saying
it was from you.

Oh, my lord!

[THEME MUSIC]